Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ Bad Anime ❯ Too Hot to Handle ( Chapter 4 )

Balthild, transformed into an 18-meter-long dragon, flew over the valley. Below her, the M2E2 machine gun of two Type 90 main battle tanks (MBTs) elevated to shoot her. The magically enlarged scythe's blade separated; Balthild swung the weapon, sending two wave of psychokinetic energy towards the Type 90s; the energies opened the MBT turrets like sardine cans, detonated the onboard ammunition, and transformed the Type 90s into fireballs. The dragon's head turned. "Shrieeeek!" She writhed in midair, dodging the incoming wave of psychokinetic energy.

ULTRA Zero dived towards Balthild, its Psycho Sword reaching for the dragon's heart. "Yaaaa!" Nadeshiko screamed as beams of psychokinetic energy scorched the pink robot's armor. Balthild released her scythe, which hovered beside her; this freed her talons to close upon the blade and stop it from piercing her heart. The energy conducted through the sword scorched the dragon's scales as ULTRA Zero's weight pushed Balthild towards the ground.

"Shrieeeek!" The dragon writhed away from the Psycho Sword; her wings flapped to lift her away from the pink robot. ULTRA Zero's turborockets fired to arrest its descent; then Balthild launched a pyrokinetic attack, the fireball slamming the pink robot against the ground.

BAAL and ULTRA One circled each other, firing 125 mm depleted uranium (DU) penetrators and 155 mm shells; the demon's shoulder and hip-mounted Maser Maces projected microwave energy to detonate the M982s in midair, while the tiger-striped robot turned sideways to dodge the shots from the unbalanced weapon. "Roarrrr!" BAAL slashed.

ULTRA One drew its chainknife and blocked the attack; the cutting chain pulled the Devil Sword, and the demon wielding it, closer to the tiger-striped robot. Johnny fired the left howitzer at point-blank range; the shell struck BAAL's head, making the demon somersault backwards. Johnny fired two more times, but the Maser Maces defended BAAL from the shots. "Fine." ULTRA One rocketed towards BAAL, the chainknife reaching for the demon's neck.

Four F-22 Raptor fighters escorted Peacekeeper One over the battlefield. In the CIC, Abe and Linda watched a holographic BAAL slash at a holographic ULTRA One's extended arm, which retracted to dodge the blow. The tiger-striped robot kicked at the demon's wrist, trying to knock the Devil Sword out the enemy's hands, only to retract its leg and dodge another slash. "Maybe we should have Johnny practice kendo," the way of the sword, "and get ULTRA One a Psycho Sword," the black man commented.

"Go, Johnny, go!" the redhead cheered. Then an alarm warned them that a weapons system was targeting Peacekeeper One. The holographic display showed two Type 99 air-to-air missiles (AAMs) race towards the airborne command post; it displayed the words "LASER LANCE FIRING" as the weapons shot down the missiles.

"That's not in the script," Abe noted as a holographic F-22J, a license-built Raptor in JSSDF service, appeared behind the holographic Peacekeeper One.

Two Raptors turned to engage the F-22J. "It's a friendly," one Raptor pilot radioed. "It's not acting very friendly," the second pilot replied.

"I will avenge the dishonor you brought upon me, black man! Die, die, die!"

Abe recognized the voice. "General Yamato?"

Isamu, the F-22J pilot, pushed the throttle; the fighter accelerated towards the airborne command post. Isamu armed the M61A2 and fired a burst; yellow gridlines appeared on Peacekeeper One's wing as its structural integrity field resisted the blows.

ULTRA One transformed. "The Red Legions use MiG-29Ks, right?" Johnny radioed as the tiger-striped robot rocketed towards the F-22J.

"That is correct," Beherit answered. "I do not know who is piloting that fighter."

An alarm warned Isamu that a weapons system was targeting his F-22J; his head turned to see ULTRA One in the six o'clock position. "Tsurugi!" He performed an Immelmann; the fighter climbed, did half a loop, and then half a roll to fly in the opposite direction. "You betray your noble ancestors by siding with the black man! I will punish this betrayal!" Isamu fired two AAMs; he watched Laser Lance turrets extend from the tiger-striped robot's chest, abdomen, upper and lower back to shoot down the incoming missiles. "Die, die, die!" He fired the M61A2; the tiger-striped robot rolled to dodge the shells.

"Father, noooo!" ULTRA Zero transformed and rocketed towards the F-22J. Nadeshiko watched ULTRA One draw its chainknife as it transformed, and sever the fighter's forward fuselage, including the cockpit; the rear fuselage flew towards the pink robot. "Kyaaaa!" The girl pushed the control stick; ULTRA Zero rolled out of the rear fuselage's path.

"Shriek!" Balthild flew away from the incoming rear fuselage, which crashed into the ground and transformed into a fireball.

ULTRA One carried the F-22J cockpit towards the hangar; Johnny watched Isamu draw a pistol and fire it in the tiger-striped robot's direction, the bullets embedding themselves in the cockpit canopy. "Cut," the warrant officer radioed.

"Cut," the director repeated.

***

BAD ANIME CHAPTER 4: TOO HOT TO HANDLE

By Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2007, last revised 2008.

***

Isamu, duct taped to a folding chair, tugged at his restraints. "How dare you show such disrespect towards a general?! I will kill you, Tsurugi!"

The director turned to the scriptwriter. "What are we going to do about General Yamato? He's too... impulsive... to be a good cast member."

"That scene where ULTRA One cuts the JSSDF fighter in half... can the computers replace it with BAAL?" the scriptwriter asked.

The director put his right fist in his left palm. "Yes! We'll replace the JSSDF fighter with a Red Legion fighter; then the audience will think Isamu acted to defend Peacekeeper One!"

"We'll have General Beherit capture General Yamato. Then Little Nadeshiko will attack the Red Legion base to rescue her father."

"But it'll be too late; General Beherit has tortured General Yamato to death."

"That'll make Little Nadeshiko more determined to stop the Red Legions."

"Brilliant!" the director and scriptwriter simultaneously exclaimed.

"I will kill you all!"

The director nervously turned to Isamu. "Call General Beherit."

"I will tear you to pieces, with my bare hands if necessary!"

"Now." The director watched the scriptwriter run out of the room.

*

BAAL caught the F-22J forward fuselage. "Retreat." The demon partially transformed, the left arm extended to cradle the forward fuselage.

ULTRA Zero's head turned to let Nadeshiko watch BAAL rocket away from the battlefield, followed by a squadron of Red Legion fighters. "Father! Noooo!"

ULTRA One severed a MiG-29K fighter's forward fuselage, including the cockpit; the rear fuselage flew towards the ground.

"Shriek!" 'Here we go again,' Balthild thought as she flew away from the incoming rear fuselage, which crashed and transformed into a fireball.

The tiger-striped robot carried the forward fuselage towards the airborne command post. "Command, this is Death Angel," ULTRA One's call sign. "I've captured an EPW. Request permission to bring him in for interrogation."

"Death Angel, this is Command. Permission granted," Abe replied.

*

ULTRA Zero cut a hole in the hangar roof to reveal Isamu, his jacket and shirt removed to reveal the cuts and burns on his body, in the chair.

"Father!" Nadeshiko opened the hatch.

"Mistress Nadeshiko, please wait..." Sugar watched her mistress jump onto the ground and run towards Isamu.

Nadeshiko drew a katana and cut away the duct tape; Isamu fell onto the floor, his blood painting it red. "Father, I'm here to rescue you. Father?" The girl cradled the JSSDF officer's head and checked his pulse. "Father, noooo!" She looked towards heaven; tears flowed down her cheeks.

"Cut!" The director stepped in front of the cameras. "Good job, Little Nadeshiko."

***

"What's wrong, Lieutenant Yamato?"

Nadeshiko looked up from her hamburger, which remained in its wrapper. "Mister Tsurugi?"

"You seem upset," Johnny noted.

The girl glanced at the man sitting beside Johnny-- Beherit. "How can you be so calm when your archenemy is sitting beside you?"

"I have nothing personal against General Beherit. Besides, we're not in front of the camera right now," the warrant officer stated.

"And if he tortured your father to death?"

"I'll seek an opportunity to avenge my father, but I must put the mission first. Expressing anger is like using a nuclear weapon; you must be careful, or you'll end up harming your allies or yourself."

"Wise counsel." The Red Legion leader turned to the girl. "I had nothing personal against General Yamato. I tortured him to death on the director and the scriptwriter's orders; if you bear a grudge, it should be against them."

"But..." Nadeshiko felt a weight upon her breasts. "Ehhhh?!"

Sugar, putting her head against the girl's heart, listened to Nadeshiko's heartbeat. "Your heart rate is elevated, a sign of stress. Would you like to relieve the stress by having sex with me?"

"No!"

"You make a cute couple," Beherit commented before he put a French fry in his mouth.

***

"You can fall in love with General Black."

"According to his character bio, General Black is married and has two children; I refuse to break up his family."

"How about Mister Tsurugi?"

"That's fraternizing. Besides, Johnny's dating the policewoman who interrogated him after he blew up that tentacle monster; I don't fall for subs," submissive people.

"Mister Tsurugi's never been aboard a submarine."

Steve entered the studio to see the scriptwriter and Linda talking to each other. "What's up?"

"Sergeant Zwolak!" Linda embraced the military advisor. "Help me out; I'm trying to get a bigger role in 'Frozen Ragnarök', instead of just being a cheerleader for Johnny and Nadeshiko."

'Her skin feels like rubber,' Steve thought, his face pressed against the Toon's neck. "Sure. What do you wanna do?"

"Something that'll get me more time onscreen, like..." Linda's head bowed in thought.

"How about the classic 'hot springs' scene? You can open up to Miss Yamato there."

"That's a great idea!" Linda embraced Steve again.

'I can get used to this,' the military advisor thought.

*

"Hot springs?" The words surprised the other cast members.

"Yeah! It'll be a great time to open up to each other and develop our characters!" Linda declared.

Balthild examined the maintenance crew. "It will be an excellent opportunity to recruit more beautiful people into my harem." She turned to Beherit's archenemy. "If you let your hair grow down past your shoulders, you will become a welcome addition to my harem, Sir Johnny."

"I'll pass," the warrant officer deadpanned.

*

"I'm not a damn pervert," Johnny declared.

"But you're a man at a hot springs! You must sneak up to peek at the women's side!" the scriptwriter argued.

Johnny put his right hand on his waterproof holster. "One more word and I'll send a bullet into your eye." The warrant officer watched the scriptwriter slowly raise his hands and back away.

On the women's side, Aizhan, her M25 in a waterproof bag slung across her back, was backstroking in the hot water; the visual effects crew used steam to hide her candy apple-red nipples from the camera.

Nadeshiko was talking to Linda. "Father never said he loved me... never said he was proud of me... all he did was give me orders..." Tears flowed down the girl's cheeks. "Now he's dead, and I don't know what to do!"

Linda embraced Nadeshiko. "There, there. Let it all out."

"Sob. Thank you, Colonel Love."

"Call me Linda now. We're not on duty."

"Sniff. Yes, Miss Linda."

The redhead leaned back into the water. "You know, I never got to see my father very often when he was alive. He never seemed to find the time to talk to me; I got the impression that he wanted a son instead of a daughter. When I joined the Army, I hoped that he'd say he approved of me, but then he was KIA," killed in action, "and all I have left are dreams of the time we didn't spend together."

"I'm sorry."

Linda turned to Nadeshiko. "Don't apologize for something that's not your fault."

"I'm sorry."

"Ha ha ha!" The redhead patted the girl's head. "You're so cute."

Johnny's cybernetic implants let him overhear the conversation. 'What the hell was the point of coming to a hot springs?'

"Good evening. May I join you?"

'Miss Merovingian?'

"Sure," Linda replied.

"You are very beautiful women," the dhampire complimented. A towel, wrapped around her shoulders, hid her wings.

"Thank you," Linda and Nadeshiko simultaneously said.

"I feel great pleasure in your company."

"You're too kind," the redhead added.

"Have you ever made love to another woman?" Balthild asked.

"Ehhhh?!"

"Well, I played with some girls when I was a teenager, but I was never that emotionally attached to anyone," Linda admitted.

"A pity. It is a pleasure to experience love in all of its forms," the dhampire stated.

Linda smirked at Balthild. "How much did you play around?"

"Considerably. I am bisexual, and I appreciate the differences between making love to a man, making love to a woman, and making love to both genders at once."

'I'm done.' Johnny stepped out of the hot spring, wrapped a towel around his waist, and marched into the changing room.

***

"How were the hot springs?" Beherit asked.

"A waste of time," Johnny answered.

"You did not have an opportunity to peek at the women?"

"I'm not a damn pervert." The warrant officer parked the F-150 PHEV and exited the truck, followed by his archenemy.

In the hangar, the maintenance crew was talking about how relaxing the hot springs were. "Group, attention!" Lara turned around and saluted Johnny.

"As you were." The warrant officer approached the tiger-striped robot. "What's ULTRA One's status?"

"Full fuel tanks, full complement of Excalibur, full complement of 30 mm HEI and API," high explosive incendiary and armor-piercing incendiary, "full complement of Agile; she's ready to go."

Beherit glared at BAAL's maintenance crew. "Is my mount fully fueled?"

"Yes, Master," a Middle Eastern man answered.

"Are the 125 millimeter shells loaded correctly, not backwards?"

"Yes, Master."

"Are the 30 millimeter shells loaded correctly, not backwards?"

"Yes, Master." The armorer, knowing the punishment he'd receive if he made another mistake, pressed a button; hydraulic jacks lifted the demon mask upwards to reveal BAAL's head-mounted GSh-30-2 twin-barrel cannon.

The Red Legion leader confirmed that the 30 mm HEI and armor-piercing tracer shells pointed in the correct direction. "Let us begin filming."

*

The ULTRAs led three C-17 Globemaster III transport planes over a jungle. "Target in sight," Johnny radioed as a Red Legion base and its adjacent laboratory, the surrounding trees cut down to deny attacking forces cover and concealment, appeared in front of them. The ULTRAs attacked at the surface-to-air missile (SAM) batteries and antiaircraft guns defending the base, destroying the enemy weapons systems.

Two C-17s lowered their ramps to drop a Thunderbolt Armored Gun System (AGS) and three BMD-4 airborne combat vehicles; parachutes and retrorockets slowed the armored vehicles' descent. Once the BMD-4s and the AGS were clear, Aizhan jumped out of the third C-17, followed by Linda, the armored vehicles' crews, and 18 Fallschirmjäger, German paratroopers. The Fallschirmjäger transformed into werewolves as they fell towards the ground; they opened their parachutes at low altitude so the defenders had less time to react. The BMD-4s and the AGS landed; the crews detached the parachutes and retrorockets, boarded the armored vehicles, and drove towards a base to support the werewolves.

The base defenders assumed fighting positions. "For General Grand Duke Beherit!" "For the Red Legions!" they shouted as they fired rocket-propelled grenades (RPGs) at the werewolves leading the attack.

Aizhan slashed, the chainsword cutting off an RPG detonator; the rocket buried itself in the ground behind her. The other werewolves jumped or dived out of the RPGs' paths, letting the armored vehicles' TROPHY active protection systems shoot down the incoming rockets.

Linda, sitting in the AGS turret, watched the werewolves attack the Red Legion soldiers. "I want prisoners," she radioed. Two werewolves pounced on a Red Legion soldier, grabbed his AK-74M assault rifle and broke it in half, and carried him to a BMD-4, where military intelligence officers bound his arms and legs.

A Red Legion soldier marched out of the lab; his exoskeleton gave him the strength to carry a GSh-30-1 automatic cannon, which weighed 46 kilograms. "Yaaaa!" The gunpowder in the 30 x 164 mm casings ignited at a rate of 1500 rounds per minute, propelling HEI and armor-piercing tracer shells through the armor protecting a BMD-4 engine, immobilizing the combat vehicle.

Aizhan appeared in front of the Red Legion soldier, and slashed.

The Red Legion soldier raised his left hand to catch the chainsword; sparks shot out from his armored palms. "I'm stronger..." He felt the werewolf's jaws close upon his throat. "Gurgle!"

Aizhan threw the dead Red Legion soldier through the lab doors; blood flowed down her jaws. "Ah-wooooo!" Then her radio buzzed.

"All units, fall back!" Johnny warned as the Laser Lances made a KAB-1500L glide bomb explode in midair; the fireball shielded a second bomb from ULTRA One's sensors.

The second bomb hit the lab, blowing Aizhan off her feet; the werewolf flew backwards 20 meters before slamming into a BMD-4. "Grrrr." She looked up to see the claymore transform into the demon, draw the Devil Sword, and point the weapon at her.

"Roarrrr!" The Carnotaurus fired two 155 mm shells at BAAL, which turned around and used the sword to block the shots. ULTRA One rolled to dodge the incoming 125 mm DU penetrators, drew its chainknife as it transformed, and lunged.

The demon slashed at the tiger-striped robot's arm, which retracted to dodge the blow. "Burn in hell!" Beherit's pyrokinetic powers formed a wall of fire between BAAL and ULTRA One; the wall moved towards the tiger-striped robot, which somersaulted backwards to dodge the pyrokinetic attack. The demon lunged through the wall of fire, the Devil Sword reaching for ULTRA One's cockpit.

"Yaaaa!" ULTRA Zero slashed, projecting a wave of psychokinetic energy towards BAAL. A wall of fire appeared between the demon and the pink robot; the energies annihilated each other, scorching the ground. "I will avenge my father!" Nadeshiko cried as ULTRA Zero lunged.

The Devil Sword blocked the pink robot's thrust. "Weakling." BAAL grabbed ULTRA Zero's right wrist and slammed its opponent against the ground. The demon aimed the 125 mm cannon at the pink robot, before turning to block two incoming shells.

Linda watched ULTRA One and BAAL engage in close quarters combat (CQC). "Abort, abort, abort," she radioed. The crew of the immobilized BMD-4 evacuated the combat vehicle and boarded a second BMD-4, followed by nine werewolves, two of whom climbed onto the roof. Aizhan climbed onto the first BMD-4 roof, covering the nine werewolves who boarded the combat vehicle. The AGS led the BMD-4s away from the Red Legion base, towards an airfield where the C-17s could evacuate them.

"Shrieeeek!" Balthild dived towards the Thunderbolt.

"Ah-wooooo!" Aizhan jumped into the air, her chainsword reaching for the dragon's neck. Balthild slashed; the werewolf somersaulted in midair, her chainsword cutting through the wave of psychokinetic energy.

The dragon's attack gorged the ground in front of the BMD-4s, which slowed down as they drove around the gorge. "Jesus Christ!" a driver exclaimed.

Balthild's wings flapped, lifting her beyond Aizhan's reach. The werewolf landed on the ground and fired her M25 at the dragon, who spun the scythe to block the incoming grenades. 'Maybe I should hire her to guard my harem?' Balthild thought. The dragon heard turborocket engines roar, and turned to see the ULTRAs race away from the now burning Red Legion base. "Shriek!" Balthild's wings flapped, carrying her away from the battlefield.

"Cut!" the director ordered. "Good job, everyone."

***

To be continued...