Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ Confessions of a Troubled Teen ❯ She Types... ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

She sighed as the song continued to play on her computer. Well, it wasn't really her computer. It was her mother's. She had just finished chatting with a friend of hers -- if you call on-line associates that -- and already she was feeling lonesome. This friend of hers hadn't heard from her in about a year or two. When they did talk, they usually just typed whatever came to mind. At least, that's what she remembered. Her memory was crap and she knew it. She had only talked to him by chance, having seen him on her friends list.


How many times had she been told not to trust people over the internet? Enough to get the point. Yet she'd still found herself chatting online more than she would in real life. The people she talked to could be anyone. Litterally anyone. But she didn't really care, it seemed. She would still pour her heart out to them before she would her own mother and step-father-ish person. (He wasn't legally her step-father, but he treated her like his own.) They could be fifty year old farts jerking off to every word she wrote, yet she'd still tell them about problems that her own mother had no clue of.


Why? Why would she talk to people who most likely didn't give a crap? Why did she talk to people she may never meet? Why even bother when you could easily loose them as soon as you lost your internet connection?


Well, that was partly the reason why she did talk to these people. Even if they could, they would never bother to really meet her. She knew that they would rather just stay as chat buddies.... some of them, anyway. She rarely felt anything like a real friendship towards some of them. There were a few, and those were the ones who really got her laughing when they typed something funny.


She often thought that feeling so close to distant people was foolish. 'They'd never meet you, never be there to hug you and tell you it's okay.... they may even avoid you if they did get the chance to meet the real you.'


She had a boyfriend over the internet. They lost each other when she lost her Instant message program. They hadn't talked for about three or four years now. She shouldn't still be thinking about him. He was just.... a guy! On a computer! He could've just thought they were role playing the whole thing anyway! For crying out loud, it started out as a fucking roleplay!!!!!

'So then why do I still feel sad?'

She sighed heavily. She had never been good at inter-personal relationships. Almost fearing them, she often avoided them unless she had little other choice. There were prettier, nicer, skinnier girls all around, why would anyone bother to befriend her?

Then she remembered what someone had told her, about six months ago.

"Your personality is just.... Amazing!"

'Amazing, huh?'

How often did someone ever say that too her? Once, maybe twice. There was only one person who called her her best friend, too. Now they were a good couple hundred miles apart. In the pervious state, she had many friends there. Not all of them were desirable, but they were friends nonetheless. Hell, she could've had a real boyfriend if she weren't such a dumbass!

'I wonder how he's doing,' she thought. Inwardly smiling, she remembered the face of the older boy she appropreately named "Kitsune". She liked foxes. She liked dogs, too, but Kitsune suited him better. He as an odd one. A unique charm, cute (in the rocker kind of way), and shared simular interests with her.

'Yet you were too afraid of becoming something more, so you pushed him away... by hitting him on the head with your binder. Fuckin' dumb bitch.'

'I'm not good enough for him,' she argued with herself. 'He's too kind. Too smart. Too.... everything! I had -- have -- nothing to offer him worth mentioning. Besides, he could easily get a girlfriend.... and did! Dose! It's not like he really wanted to be with me anyway...'

She stopped herself, thinking about what another one of her friends (at the time Kitsune's girlfriend) had told her.

'He'd date you if you'd stop hitting his head!!!! Stop it! And go out with him!!!!!'

'He could do so much better than me.'

'You're a fucking whimp aren't you!?'

Tears prickled her eyes as she continued her inward battle. She always thought about what would happen if they were together. Would they be happy? Would they stay together? Would it be love?

Always with the 'what if's, never taking action.

'You always think there's something better for the people around you... and there probably is... but you'll never know if you don't go for it! LOOK AT YOURSELF!!!! You've sickened yourself. You're not taking care of yourself, you're not bothering to get out of bed before one in the afternoon.... You're a pathetic girl! You're right. They do deserve better.'

The temple of her head started pounding. She was starting to get another headache. It was a quarter past tweleve and she wasn't in bed. Neither was her mother, who was watching a movie at the moment.

Her mother and step-dad-ish person were having complications with their relationship, and she could do nothing about it. The problem itself would be no biggie if it weren't for the people it involved. Her mother was the type to start an argument and forget about it the next day. Her Step-dad-ish person was the one who liked to solve problems and make sure they didn't happen again. She, herself, was one who wanted to solve a problem that involved the people she cared about.

Unfortunetly, this wasn't going to be solved any time soon. The Dad-ish person was mentally worn out, looking to her for comfert she had little experience in giving. All he wanted was a hug and a shoulder to lean on, and she couldn't even do that right.

Her mother had gone off to bed. She was alone now, free to cry as many tears as she wanted. After all that happened, she was surprised she hadn't yet.

They had moved from the place so often called "The Valley of the Sun" so the place called "The land of enchantment".... Or "The Shit House," she had heard her grandmother call it. The place really was beautiful to her, having not seen it for five years. It was the lack of friends she could do without. Of course, she being desperate, she made friends quickly. She just as quickly lost a few, keeping the ones who put up with her enough to want to hang around her.

'They were nice,' she thought. But she hadn't moved here to make new friends.

Her grandmother had breast cancer. When they moved in with Grandmother, she wasn't the welcoming woman she had remembered. She saw bitterness where there should've been sweetness. She would always look at her dissaprovingly, as if she did something wrong. It was only till later did her mother say that Grandmother thought she was gay.

No, she wasn't gay. She was fairly certain she might be bi. Might be, because she had had a crush on some girls from elementry and middle school, but hadn't tried to befriend them. This, of course, isn't the point at the moment.

Grandmother, it seemed, didn't like gays. Dispite this, she, herself, dosen't like men. Now in here eyes, when she saw her grandmother, she seemed cruel, only being kind when it would benifit her in some way. She and her little brother had to put up with her alone when Dad-ish and Mother decided they had enough. They left the two children with their Grandmother untill they found a place they could afford to stay in. She hated that house. She had so many memories of being alone, not a friend in the world. She had never even been outside enough to realize that there was a world. The only sorce of comfert she had back then was now dead, the two loyal dogs replaced with a yapping rat-creature.

That wasn't a dog. No. Dogs eventually stopped barking when they recognized you and your scent. This thing was no replacement for Weaser and Spanky, the German Shepard and Chuahua that had died around chrismas of 2003 or 2004. They were both good dogs. Good dogs! Why did they had to be gone to leave her with a noisey, annoying lil' SHIT of a creature!!! WHY!?

The tears she had held back so far suddenly came down in salty waterfalls. Weaser had died around christmas time, Spanky soon afterwards. She could remember, when she was younger and would visit Granmother for a weekend or so, Weaser was the first to greet her. Tail wagging, licking her face, always happy to see her come back when she had been gone for any amount of time. And Spanky, although he barked alot too, knew when to quiet down. He'd often come up to her and lay next to her on the couch. Weaser, too. They were her, and her brother's, only concrete support in that house.

And they had been replaced by some.... Ugh! She didn't think that it desevered to be described any better than the way Dad-ish person had.

A Rat-Thing.

She wipped the tears and snot from her face. Damnit, she hated crying. She hated feeling so pathetic. It just made her cry more. She hated feeling like this. Shaky, scared that the others would see her, and overall worthless because she couldn't hold them back for another few seconds. She always ended up crying for long periods of time. She'd continue to cry inwardly when the tears had long sence stopped.

They finally moved a little after her sixteenth birthday. Although she got no cake, no car, no money or anything like that.... She really didn't care. As long as they were out of that house, away from her and the Rat-Thing.

She stopped herself again, realizing what she was thinking. She suddenly felt dirty... A sin in and of itself. She had no right to think of her Grandmother like that. She didn't have to take care of her and her brother when they were little. She could've had Mother move, make her get another home, make her live on her own while she whent to school. She should be grateful! Happy even!

Yet she couldn't seem to force herself too. It had been so easy before. She could always make up excuses, like 'She didn't mean that' or 'I just misunderstood her.' Why couldn't she do that now? .....

When they moved into the studio appartment, the stress on the two adults slowly built up. The hotel was too far for them to just walk back from school. Where would they go after the bus dropped them off? Certainitly not to Grandma's house. Could they wait at the park?

She, of course, had suggested it. It still being fall time, it was not the most comfertable of arrangments, but she wasn't going back to that house unless she had to. Luckily, her friend let her stay at her place for a while, at least untill her mother came by to pick them up.

This lasted for a few months.

Then they moved into the house. Five bedroom, two and a half bath, two story.... She loved it. They just didn't have things like electrcity and water right off the bat. They had to get camping things to keep from near freezing to death. (Could you freeze to death in 30 to 40 degree tempatures?) They didn't have running water for a while. No gas, either. It was hard, but she knew that it would all turn good. Within about a week or two, they had the essensials and then some. They still aren't completely furnished. They needed at least one more bed for Chi-kun, her brother.

She didn't need one. She could wait for her bed.

The young woman growled at herself, becoming quite frustrated at the hiccups she had gotten a few minutes ago. Yeah, now that all that had passed, they only needed to worry about a few things now:

Getting money to pay off her book and lab fees (mostly her own fault).

Getting money to pay for online classes.

Being stable enough to not have to pay for bills through loans.

She smiled, somehow thinking back to the people online. She wondered how they were. Were they all asleep? Of course they were, it's almost half past one now! Stupid girl. Were they even giving her sudden IMing a second thought....

She doubted it, but would be happy if they were. She cared about them, as stupid as it was. They were like a family she didn't really have. Caring, kind, diverse and excepting of her, dispite her looks, beliefs or sexual preferences.

'Would that be the same once they meet? if they meet?'

She could remember telling her 'boyfriend' that one day, they would meet. How stupid of her to say that.

She needed to get all this out somehow. it was going to explode if she didn't do something about it soon. Should she start a blog? A MySpace? Yeah right....

What was she decent at?

Her somewhat large lips twitched into a smile, if only for a moment. She grabbed the mouse, clicked on the icon of a notepad, and started typing the following.

"April 1st, 2007"

She paused. How would she continue from there? She needed something. Anything. A light breath escaped her lips. Seeming content, she continued to type...

"She sighed...."

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TBR: Pretty serious, ne? Completely original! No friends helpped write this, no one but me writting it. Me. Allll me. Anyway, please review!

I may even decide to make another chapter.