Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ Monologue 1 ❯ Monologue 1 ( Chapter 1 )

I've always been sure of myself. It has always been something I have prided myself on. The fact that I can believe in myself, when so few people can trust their intuition and senses , makes me feel a little bit superior to most people. I'd like to always been this way. To be unsure of yourself puts you in a dangerous place, one I hope to never visit, for to me, it would be equivalent to spending hours in the company of someone who makes me feel low, ashamed, and stupid.

 

I feel like that now however. I'm not even sure why. Nothing has happened to me that I can see as sparking a sour depression and a bout of second-guessing myself. Today was beautiful actually. Full of soft sunshine and being surrounded by people who make me laugh and compliment me in such a way that makes me never want to leave their presence. I go to do everything I wanted today, and the day is not yet over. I am going somewhere I want to be tonight. I am going to be in the company of the boy I love more then I could ever express into words. One of my many best friends will be there, and she is one of the most helpful, selfless people I know. And another friend who, even though he makes me flare with righteous indignation, never fails to make me laugh until my sides are sore.

 

Yet I feel sad. I described a character in one of my stories feeling this unwelcome, totally unexplainable emotion before. She said “It feels like my stomach has been ripped out and a gust of wind is swirling around the empty pit, turning my twisted emotions around and around”. I feel like that now. And the only reason I can think of as to why is the notion that I am unsure of myself.

 

For months I have believed one thing, and I remained firm in this decision, hardly ever wavering from my original hypothesis. I was completely sure, and completely unwilling to budge even though I had numerous people telling me that I might be mistaken. I know it sounds strange, but I am rarely wrong. Now however, I feel like I have wronged someone, and that I should make amends. This person has feelings, as I have ignored for so long and believed them to be a one sided, completely simple creature who could not possibly have a life as trying as mine. I was wrong. And you do not understand how long it has taken me to admit that, and how much it hurts to believe it.

 

I am scared though, I must confess. I should not feel these emotions for this person, for they have yet to actually prove themselves by my standards. Yet, this person has truly made my heart bleed, my breath catch, and my eyes twitch. I care for this person like I never believed I would. I always knew, in the back of my mind and I refused to let it surface, that there was some remarkable explanation for this person, their life, and their more then a little frustrating personality.

 

I've learned more about this person, in a short period of time, than I could ever hope to learn from a book, friend, or family member. Everything I thought was true, yet everything was wrong also. I'll never understand what has really happened, what changed, what grew, what progressed in me that allowed me to believe and be open to learning from someone I tried to block out for so long. I always thought that what I might learn from this person was going to be insightful, yet nothing helpful. Instead, I have learned bliss, happiness, and a little bit of carelessness. It hasn't been directly that I have learned these things. It's from being around this person. From realizing what, who, this person really is, and why I felt the need to create distance.

 

There is a creature living in my head. Its proper name is self-preservation, but I have nicknamed it Maureen. Maureen screamed every time I thought about this person. She told me never to let my guard down; she told me I would get hurt. She was right. I am hurt. I am hurting more fully now then I have ever hurt before. Something I once loved is being dangled before my eyes. Bring blue eyes with freshly dyed hair took the name Devon, and lived beside me for several wonderful years. She was my happiness, my soul, my everything. She was snatched. She is gone, and I have never hoped to see her again. I see flashes of her sometimes. She is in my dreams, she haunts my mind, she breaths on me at night. She is present in people. She has spoken to me and warned me, tried over and over to keep me safe. I am convinced that she never really left. I am convinced she was looking for a way to reach me, but I needed to find it for myself.

 

I think I may have found it at last. The blue eyes and dyed hair has come back to me. It took awhile to find and I still have not uncovered all of it, but I do believe it is there, and I don't know what to do. Would you chase after someone you love, and haunt someone who was completely clueless but who would eventually be able to bring you back everything you lost, if you had to disregard the supposed facts you've been living your life by and believing for so long?