Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ Monologue 3 ❯ Monologue 3 ( Chapter 1 )

Quite seriously, I never thought things could change in the blink of an eye. I mean, I know that's what they tell us about life, and to always be careful and thankful for what we have, but what about living in the moment? To take full advantage of your opportunities. For all we know, they won't be there tomorrow. I've always tried to live my life by some sort of code, usually something tapped into my head by my parents, my pears, and other such people who, I believe, don't actually care about my well being, because if they did there are some other things they would have been better off doing for me instead of wasting their breath telling me not to do things they knew I was going to do anyway. For instance, getting me help when I asked for it. Instead it was my threatening to hurt other students in school as well as myself that finally got me into, at least a type, of therapy.

 

But life can change in the blink of an eye. Some stupid decision, which is the opposite of what you might think I am talking about, leads to the complete loss of a feeling, time, person, and thrilling adventure you would have given a few toes to see through to the end. Opportunities get snatched quite quickly, just because you used your mouth in the wrong way, at the wrong spot, at the wrong time. You could wake up one morning, thinking your day would be fine, but then something comes bursting through the door to ruin your day. Intoxication of the mind, senses, and body bring pleasure, joy, and pain to all who are connected to it, yet we all have experienced that blissful feeling of being completely uncaring.

 

That's what we are. Uncaring people who think of ourselves first and choose not to help others and to make conscious decisions that could benefit two instead of benefiting one. But no, who really stops about that while they eat their crust free sandwich? Does anyone really care that someone thought of them when they but the crusts off that sandwich? How sweet that must be, to have some care about you enough to actually listen to you when you tell them you don't like a particular thing. Not only that, but they alter their work or routine to make you happy. What an amazing feeling that must be, I'm sure. Unfortunately, I am not receiving such selflessness from any direction in my life right now, and neither are you, if you're reading this, I am also sure.

 

Stupid. That's all I can think of to say when it comes to me, others, and just about every single thing on this earth. Completely ridiculous. Do I have a right to feel this way? Do you? Do they? In most cases, I don't think so. Its no one else's right to question some one else's decision unless it directly affects them. Other than that, you should be thankful for what you have, for who you are. Would you rather have a gay friend, or a friend dying of leukemia? Same as a child. Which would you prefer mom? Dad? Are you that ashamed of me? Are you embarrassed by how I act? Who my friends are? The clothes I like? The lipstick I wear?

 

I was raised to me a unique individuality. I was always allowed to freely express myself as I was thrown down the stairs and had spiked heel boots flung at my head. I make, at the very least, an attempt not to complain about my childhood. It has made me who I am today, and I am lucky that every bit of my life, even my friends lives, are known to those who need to trust me. I can confidently say that the real me is well knows. I am lucky my parents let me be who I am. It's more than I can say for you. For them.

 

Life changing is the only way progress can be made. Do you see that? What would you be doing right now if you had never taken that chance? Never stepped outside your comfort zone and took that chance that changed your life for better or worse, forevermore. Are you angry? I would be. I'd like to do it over. For myself and for you. To change one tiny piece or detail of these situations so as to rig them in the favors of those who they will effect. Whether it's me, or you. I'd do it. I'd go back in time and alter the world for you if I could just see you happy again. T hurts me more than I can say, for reasons completely bottled in my twisted mind. Or maybe not. Maybe you already know but choose to ignore. What bliss you must feel. I am jealous.

 

Can you see how hurt I am? I know she would be able to. I think you do somehow. I know your situation, and you know at least half of my own. I assume you can feel a fraction of the pain I am in. I can not be sympathetic to you however. I envy you at this moment because you are loved, wanted, desired, cared for, and have not been flung aside like worthless baggage. Take a minute to think about it. Have you ever been jealous of me? Maybe of my acceptance? But it is half illusion don't you know?

 

I'm angry, hurt, tired and stretched. I don't know how much longer I will be able to deal with this bullshit which is being constantly piled over and over. I can think of a hundred things to say, yet I have nothing to say. No sound comes from my throat to defend myself, to help myself. But nothing comes from your either. Do you not want help? How sad. My anger is practically eating me away, like the bacteria do when you decompose. Chewing and munching away at my insides, causing a burning salty pain that leaks from my eyes and cleanses my face. The sting makes me tired. All I want is to put my head down and sleep. To dream think dreams full of happiness and reincarnated ghosts of my past, who will place their arms about me and tell me that everything will be okay. And for the first time in nearly three years, I may believe someone cares.