Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ Slipping on Heart Shards ❯ If He Had Known Then ( Chapter 1 )

She wasn't supposed to be there. She wasn't supposed to be dressed up, either. He had never seen her appear that comfortable in a dress. She wasn't supposed to be that calm, that poised.

 

She was supposed to be a wreck. She was supposed to look like she had just been through hell, like she couldn't put herself back together ever again. She was supposed to look exactly like he felt.

 

Instead she looked beautiful, not that she wasn't beforehand. Her natural curly, brown hair fell in gorgeous waves and curls over her shoulder. Her skin, with that faint yellow tint, was glowing softly as the sun's light washed over her face. Her mouth was set in a soft smile, not the normal innocent one she normally wore, flashing white teeth and exuding youth. This smile was more reserved, like she was keeping a secret from him and waiting to see how hard he would try to figure out what it was.

 

And all of a sudden, he found himself pulled into his mind's mass of memories.

 

*

 

It didn't seem that long ago that they were sitting in a friend's apartment, playfully flirting back and forth with one another. She was wearing that smile, that secretive, playful smile that got him wondering what secret she was teasing him with. They continued flirting as he kept teasing her, poking her with his questions.

 

“What's got you so feisty?” he would ask after she teased him.

 

She would just look at him, flash that little smile, and reply, “You'll have to find out yourself.”

 

She confused him for a while with that, building and building his curiosity until he thought he would burst. Finally, he just pinned her down and tickled and teased her until she told him.

 

It was nothing completely significant, and he didn't realize until later that it wasn't the secret she was happy about, but rather her way of showing him she felt insecure at that moment. That his teasing and flirting made her feel wanted, and in turn made her feel better about herself. It was confusing to him, her little quirks, and it took him a long time to realize what they were. Looking back, they seemed painfully obvious, but hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

 

*

 

He couldn't see the dress she was wearing, covered by that robe she was had to wear, so he kept his gaze running over her. Sliding his eyes downward, he saw her shoes and knew exactly what dress was underneath that robe.

 

It was a beautiful dress, one she had fallen in love with when she first tried it on. She had sworn that day they went shopping that it was the first time she'd seen it, but he knew better. He had seen her eyeing it for a long time, every time they would walk past the dress shop. When he would ask her what she was looking at, she would just smile and shake her head, telling him it was nothing.

 

It looked beautiful on her, though, just as he always imagined it would. It fit her perfectly, accenting the soft curves she had, making her torso look longer than it really was. He could remember her playfully complaining how she would never find shoes to match. He bit back a chuckle as he remembered when they did find those matching heels.

 

*

 

Just a short while after the secret incident, they were walking through a mall, waiting for their movie to start. It wasn't the first time they had just gone to the theaters, picked a movie, then walked around the mall until the movie started.

 

Secretly, he enjoyed it, watching her window shop and seeing her reactions to what she saw.

 

That particular day, she was almost looking for something to spend money on. She'd had a rough week and told him that she deserved to buy herself something, as a treat to herself.

As they were walking, she glanced into one of the shoe stores and saw these stilettos. It was no surprise seeing that she absolutely loved heels. She didn't wear them much, but that was alright. It kept the rare occasions that she did special. He could remember how she had laughed at his confused expression when she explained that to him, but he understood it now.

 

She abruptly turned into the store, her fingers still laced with his. Not prepared for the abrupt turn, he accidentally smashed her toe with his boot. He grimaced at her wince. It always happened. He should've known she would be wearing flip-flops - she always did. Whenever he wore these boots, it was inevitable that he would break off at least one of her toenails. All that pain he caused her, on just her feet alone. It was a miracle she didn't put at least five feet between them when they walked together.

 

She quickly caught herself from falling and continued on into the store. He always did expect this from her. She was easily swayed by heels, the smell of good coffee, and journals. The poor girl had so many journals, he honestly wondered what she had planned to use them for. He had asked her that once as he was helping her pack, and she just merely shrugged and smiled, “I don't know.”

 

In the store, she quickly headed toward the shoes. The employee latched onto her immediately, sensing a sale, and quickly whisked off to the back room to get her size, leaving them alone in the store. She tore her gaze away from the stiletto to look down at her foot - the one he practically killed. Grimacing, she bent down and felt her foot, making sure the nail was still attached. It was, thankfully.

 

“I'm sorry,” he murmured.

 

“You should be,” she replied, then smiled at him and reached up to plant a sweet kiss on his cheek. “It's okay. I should know by now not to wear flip-flops around you.”

 

“Here you are,” the salesman said as he emerged from the back room. “Size eight and a half.”

 

She took the shoebox and sat down at one of the benches in the store. Sliding out of her flip-flop, she fit her right foot into the heel. Satisfied, she put on the other, stood up, and walked over to one of the many mirrors on the wall.

 

He loved watching her walk in heels. When she wore regular shoes, she had a comfortable, casual feel, but once she put on any type of heel, that changed. She exuded more of an elegance. Sure, she was a little off, but that's normal for a girl who lives in flip-flops. However, as she stood there, she just looked a little more sophisticated in her shorts and T-shirt. It might be from the fact that the heels forced her into a straighter posture, or how the heels automatically elongated her already long, beautiful legs - he didn't know. She didn't have bad posture to begin with, but she always made sure she looks as comfortable as she felt.

 

After staring at the reflection of her feet for a moment, turning to see from all angles, she turned to him.

 

“What do you think?” she asked.

 

He hated it when she asked him this question. When he told her the truth in public, she wanted to kill him…but her blush was usually worth it.

 

“Honestly?” he asked.

 

She nodded. Of course she nodded. She's forgotten the last time.

 

Glancing at the salesman and realizing he'd be able to handle it, he told her.

 

“They'd probably be the only thing that stayed on after I got my hands on you.”

 

The salesman laughed. She flushed, trying to glare at him, but failed. And she just looked too damn cute. She turned away, back to the mirror.

 

Grinning at the salesman, he stood up and walked up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and resting his head on her shoulder. “They look really good,” he whispered.

 

She blushed even more, which he didn't think was possible. Letting out a sigh, she walked back to the bench and took off the heels. Putting them back in the box and sliding back into her flip-flops, she brought them to the counter.

 

“Could I interest you in this purse that matches your shoes?” The salesman pointed to a purse and he saw her eyes light up.

 

“Let me see it,” she replied.

 

He got the purse down and handed it to her. She opened it, checked out all the compartments, and tried it on her shoulder. Then, he watched her bite back a grimace as she looked at the price.

 

“She wants it,” he injected before she could turn it down.

 

She turned to him, fire in her eyes, about to reprimand him before he caught her mouth in a kiss, distracting her as he pulled out his wallet and handed the salesman his credit card. He didn't pull back until after the card had been swiped, and even then, it took a few seconds for her to snap out of the daze the kiss had put her in. The salesman had checked his ID and gave him back the card by the time she realized what happened.

 

“Ryan, what are you doing?” she almost shrieked.

 

He gave her the most innocent look he could muster. “What?”

 

“Honey,” the salesman injected, handing him a pen and the credit slip to sign, “if he's willing to spend the money, smile and make it worth his time.”

 

She just looked back and forth between the two of them before letting out another sigh.

 

“What, am I not allowed to dote upon my girlfriend?” he asked, handing the piece of paper back to the man and grabbing the bag with her shoes and purse. “I can't treat you whenever I want to?”

 

She just glared up at him, knowing that he knew he had caught her. He kissed her on her forehead, wrapped his arm around her shoulders, and walked out of the store.

 

Turning and putting himself in front of her, he took both of her hands and looked her in the eyes, coaxing out the beautiful smile that was lurking just below. And he got it. He gave her another kiss, this one a little more slower and softer, before glancing at his watch. “Come on. Movie's about to start.”

 

*

 

That was one of the last times they had hung out that fall. He remembered so clearly. They were down in Miami, two weeks before school started for either of them. They had gotten down there with her family to help move her into her apartment the day before and got all of her stuff in the room. Today, her parents went off to find her mother's old stomping grounds while they explored the area around the university together.

 

Pain stabbed through him as he remembered what he was planning at that point. She was clueless. Long distance relationships weren't new to her, and she'd already proven time and time again that she could do it. However, he didn't want to. He was too worried about his education to want to go through that work. He'd known driving down there with her that they would only be “official” for maybe a month more. He was going to ask to just be friends in due time.

 

And he had. Oh, how he thought it hurt him then. It was over the phone. They were talking one night - she was rambling away about some new book they had gotten in at work. He could still remember laughing at how carefree and childish she could be at the age of twenty, and still surprise him with words so mature and true, he thought she was reading them straight from a book.

 

That conversation, though, was one he'll never forget. She was crushed. They'd been apart for about a month and a half. It was odd because she read him so well, even over the phone. They'd learned so much about each other that first month of just talking, it scared him. It was becoming too personal, too emotional. No one had gotten to know him that well and he couldn't take it. So, slowly, in that last half of a month, he started pulling away; putting up small walls here and there until she finally started noticing. The relationship became a little rocky. They had more fights because he would pull away and she wouldn't let go. She told him she was going to fight for their relationship. As she said on more than one occasion, she “cared too much to let him go that easily.”

 

He couldn't even remember how they got on the subject, but they were suddenly talking about how he wanted to take the relationship back a step, become closer friends and then see where the relationship went. She was silent for a few moments, collecting her thoughts. He didn't even let her get her thoughts said, but just told her that he needed to take some time to get his life together and see where his life was headed. Then, she asked him if this would involve seeing other people - if he would expect to be allowed to date other girls while seeing where their relationship went. And then he made the stupidest mistake he'd ever made in his life:

 

He said yes.

 

He said that's what he expected to do, that he wasn't happy with the current relationship, and it wasn't working for him. That he didn't know her as he thought he should and wanted to take it even slower than they had been. And it was at this time that she said one of the things that he didn't really listen to at first, but remembered so clearly now.

 

*

 

“So you expect me to sit by and watch as you date other girls, while seeing where we go?” she asked him, tension seeping through her voice.

 

“Well, you wouldn't be the only one,” he shot back. “I'd have to watch you date other guys.”

 

She laughed, coldly. “You honestly think I could do that?”

 

He just sat there in silence, not knowing what to say. He wanted with every fiber of his being to be able to say that he thought she could, that he believed she could, that he knew she would. But he knew, he knew better than he knew anything else that she wouldn't.

 

“Ryan, if you aren't willing to wait with me, then I'm not willing to wait for you.”

 

*

 

He didn't realize what he did until months after it happened. Winter break was very strange, as they both had gone home to their families. They had the same circle of friends and saw each other more than either wanted to. It was hard to see her, broken heart laid out on her sleeve. He refused to believe that he was affected that much. He knew what he had done, and it was the right thing. It had gotten too hard for him to be away from her physically that long and not look for some physical relief.

 

Spring break came around, and he saw her again. She'd started losing weight before winter break, but seeing her in a bathing suit proved it that March. He could still remember how his blood boiled when he saw her.

 

But he had managed to convince himself that it was just a physical attraction, that there was nothing else there. He was better off unattached, focused solely on his schoolwork. He was graduating that year, the earliest that summer, the latest that winter. He needed to get those classes finished with and have time for his internships, and a long distance relationship would only prove to hurt that. He couldn't afford to have anything hold him down and chance him to miss such opportunities that would impact the rest of his life.

 

Oh, if only he had known then what he knew now.