Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ The Boy on Page One ❯ We're all monsters ( Chapter 16 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

The Blue Demon got him. Hakuo didn't see it coming, although, he should have seen it coming. He gave his phone number to Oswald Applebeum, so that he could call him. If he ever needed to talk. If he ever just needed someone who was there; someone who has made it past the wall of the pain and suffering. Right. What a beautiful lie that is to give to someone, that you don't hurt. Which leaves you to be strong enough to help others who do hurt. But he's not over it. He still hurts. He can get on the raft to float upon it all but still lay back, head submerged, to drown.

That is what happened one windy day.

The very mentally thrashed Wally called him, just to tell him that he crossed a bridge, and that on the other side he found his dad. They played catch in the park, and bought water-ice from an ice cream truck. Oswald confessed that he had forgotten what food tasted like. He forgot what fun could be like. What all there was to miss out on when living walled up. It was wonderful that he's really doing better. That he wanted to share that with Hakuo.

Hakuo by no means is he an ambassador for recovery. He's no well of knowledge or guidance to do the right thing. He just knows when to push, pull, and leave alone. It's why he left the problem aside and just talked about random things; it's why afterwards he didn't remain in contact with him. He let the moment be what it was. It was not a raft ready to set sail, but one deflated that Wally would have to blow up for himself. And he has. Whether or not it stays plugged, and continues to float is up to Oswald.

But, it was the wrong time to receive a call from the young Applebeum. Hakuo had been touched by the blue demon that morning, for no reason in particular. Anything can set off a moment of recall. A certain sound, smell, taste, or sight. For Hakuo, it tended to be nothing at all that brought on episodes. He could just sit and watch television only to get dragged under like the storms inside his mind set an appointment with his moments of calm to just rain on them. Heavy. Violent. Typhoons swirling - not upwards, as one expects. They tug down. Down inside his ocean, where it pulled like a drain with no entrance; it's sole purpose keeping you spinning.

But to have his pain, then be reminded that he gave pain as well. It wouldn't have come as such a frightening shock when he lays in bed and just stared. Oswald Applebeum called him to tell him about his day and yesterday. He, a monster - one of Wally's monsters. Hakuo was cheerful, not with words but pleasant intones or single sounds: oh, ah, mm. Brusque. The excited teen didn't notice, his world was roses. Good. That was good. It should stay as such for as long as it can.

But when Hakuo hung up, he slipped and sank.

Down, down, sleep. Down, down, stay. Those were the words the abyss whispered in beckoning. And so he stared. No grand bold gestures like screaming away from a nightmare. No rage. Just stare. He's unable to change what happened, no matter how much anger or screaming he could do at it, the knowledge and imagery remains the same. So all he can do is look it in the eye.

Nathen moved around the apartment that morning, going through his usual routine. He doesn't know what is going through his friend's mind right now. Nathen can't see him watch as his younger self opened up his mouth to a child younger than himself. He can't see Hakuo crying there, and tasting his own salty tears and runny nose, while listening to the audio of someone else's pain that he is creating. Because he is afraid of the bigger monster standing just behind the video camera.

He can't know that his friend fought, resisted. Said: "No"- hell he's hollered it! But it'd done no good. Because Marissa Ashford had all the power. And she'd wielded it from time to time, not just on him but many of them who'd refused to do the dark deed asked of them.

Hakuo's body would jerk around, and without wanting to he would be all over some poor kid as if by choice. And she did this at such a cruelty level, those privy of it knew never to disobey again, or they would be victims to the odd puppetry again. If they wanted to be kind, they would do what was asked of them or it would get worse.

The degree which they were hurt, bad. Where adults actively chose to do those things to them. The unkind words, the beatings, the rapes, and sickening cuddle sessions where some even asked how much it would be if the kid could say certain things. As if they were some customizable merchandise! An object and nothing more.

Nathen knew none of these things as he readied to leave. He did notice, however, that his ever vigil officer-to-be wasn't in the main part of their home having his own breakfast and getting ready to report back to the academy. There's no way he could be gone, he saw his car in the lot when he opened the curtain to let in the bright day.

'Maybe he got a lift?' He crossed the room, then knocked on the cracked door. "I'm coming in," because for all he knows his friend could have had a long night and is currently laying in bed beside the reason why. One never knows. He'd gone to bed early; Gev could have come by for a tryst, and Hakuo could have weakened in his resolve and allowed it. "Hakuo?"

Nathen sees a lump in the bed and enters. Sitting down, he shook his friend believing that he's asleep. He's lying so still, how can he not be?

"You don't wanna be late. It's past hot breakfast time, but you can still eat cereal." Shaking him by the leg again, he again calls. "Hakuo?"

"I'm too upset to go." Whispered the husk for the person stuck inside.

Small drew in a breath. Panic time. He's never dealt with this sort of thing before. Depression is just an exaggeration of how sad someone feels, how many times in life has he heard - and said himself - "Gawd, am I depressed". It's never meant, just exaggeration. And for him, it's also just a commercial to sell test pills to those who don't feel like getting up from a bedraggled state. It's never been real to existence for Nathen. But this is real!

If only he could ring a bell to alert the proper people to take over. He feels like a doctor that's such a rookie going in that he doesn't even have the common sense to wash his hands first. He won't cower. His hand hovered by Hakuo's head, a comforting touch just awaiting his hairline. It soothes everybody just about 80 percent of the time. But, does Hakuo want to be touched?

"What can I do? Do you want me to call Mrs. Rhett?" He stroked his friend's hair, until Hakuo's shaking hand takes hold of it, stalling its movement. Okay. No petting.

"She's not in."

"Your mom, dad, or one of your siblings? I'd be happy to help you myself, but you have to tell me how?" Because he doesn't know.

Is it helpful to say: there, there. "I'm sorry" has always been a grimace to his friend. A speech about how strong he is? Kind of harsh, considering how Hakuo must be feeling right now. His novice to the situation was obvious in bold, capitalized letters. He just told him he'd help, once he who needs help tells him how to do so. If his friend knew how, he wouldn't be depressed.

"Your family?" He asked when his words received a nod. Fumbling with Hakuo's cell phone that was on the dresser, he says softly. "I really want to help you without help, but, I might say something dumb and make it worse," placing the phone to his ear he says. "Hello, Mrs. Krenn,"

A tired sigh came through the line, but a masculine voice replied. "This isn't Hakuo's mother, Nathen," Gev says. "Why do you have his phone?" his voice is more alert now. "What's going on?"

Hearing the swish of movement and clothing, followed by quiet conversation, he replied. "Nothing, I dialed the wrong number. What? No, you don't have to…" But Gev hung up. Dammit.

The guy already doesn't like him, now he probably sees him as incompetent to even do enough to be able to talk Hakuo down from the ledge. Is he on a ledge? Looking down at him, the panicked thought his friend looks asleep. Maybe he was having a night terror? No. People don't respond during night terrors.

"Hakuo?"

"Hmm?"

"Oh. Nothing. I thought you fell asleep."

"No."

"Can you tell me what's wrong?" He asked in all seriousness. Maybe he can spare them both the fuss of the angry Russian goth, if he can bring Hakuo back.

"Yes."

"Will you tell me?"

"I'm a monster."

Nathen Small, in all of his 22 years of living has not heard something so far from the truth. Monster? What about him is a monster?

Hakuo has killed people and that is monstrous. However, he didn't do it because he wanted to for kicks, he did it out of self defense. The people he killed deserved what they got. They'd hurt him. According to Hakuo, they planned on continuing the hurt. His own brother violated the once missing friend! Vann is lucky that he didn't do him in for that one. Molest. Invasion of privacy - and proud of it enough to share amongst like-minded sickos… Come on! That's meet-your-maker worthy stuff.

However, because Hakuo loves him, Nathen, and cares for him, Vann is still breathing. And, as far as he, Vann's brother, can judge, has become a better man. So for Hakuo to consider himself a monster… Well, don't make Nathen laugh.

"I hurt people, just as I'd been hurt." He sighed. "How can I be let off the hook for the lives I've ruined?"

"Wouldn't you say that you are being punished? Look at the anguish you're in because you were forced to do something so nasty." Kneeling, he smiled kindly at his friend. "You're not a monster, you're a survivor. You're in pain because you know how you did it. No one ever said recovery was all giggles and dance parties. It's a lot of hard work. And it sucks."

Hakuo's distant stare focused on his sharp-faced friend. He was right. That is so right. Recovery is hard, and it isn't just smiling and going "Hee hee hee" all the time. It's kicks and punches armed with the brass knuckles that are what's causing you the pain. It's guilt when you're in your happy place, but you somehow still remain happy. It's a ponder to jump. A laugh in the bath. That brief sting when you put on a band-aid as well as when you remove it, despite the injury being healed. Recovery is not easy!

Sitting up, Hakuo wipes his face, not from tears but from memories. Get off of him! Now! That's what the wipe was for. He had not been crying. He had been seething with self loathing, so there were no tears involved with that, just pain. Anguish. And anger. But, as Nathen had said: It's just another recovery stage.

Sitting upright, he looks lightly upon his friend, not smiling, just brighter in demeanor. "Thank you, Nathen."

Nathen smiled. "Glad I can help." And he is glad. He'll be greeting strangers all friendly-like for the rest of the day, that he'd done something right. Hearing a knock on the door he grimaced. Ooh, he'd forgotten about the wrong. "I accidently called Gev, and that would be him right now. Should I tell him to go?"

Hakuo shook his head.

"Okay. I'll go get the door then, wait here."

Nathen opened the front door to have it smacked out of his grasp right as he said a chipper, "Hi" to their early morning guest.

"Where is he?" Gev asked before marching in, headed for Hakuo's bedroom.

"He's in his.. And you brought company," he mutters when seeing Yakusoku in tow behind Gev.

Ludwig came in behind them, an apologetic look paired with his casual shrug. "We kinda brought ourselves, sorry. Promise is going through a thing."

Nathen nodded that he understood. And he can understand, he knows what all goes on between Hakuo and Gev - well, not all, perse. But he speculates a lot. If he was in blondie's shoes, he'd keep the goth locked up at home and save himself the heartache.

Wait a minute... "Promise?" He wondered when the oddly placed word struck him in the recall.

"It's what Yakusoku translates to."

"Oh." He commented. "Neat."

He wondered if Hakuo meant anything? It sounds like it does. Maybe he should look it up. Although, asking would be faster. Too much time in front of the screen is frying their brains as conversationalist. But, it's his drink, it's his cigarette or any burnable substance of minor or greater strength, or alcohol of any ratio. He'll never give it up.

"So, I heard your movie was a success.. Are you planning another one?" Ludwig asked, decidely going to be the guest of 'small talk' while the big cats sized each other up in the cage.

"Yeah. It'll be another horror, probably." Nathen is good at small talk. "Probably a spoof on My Ghost Story,"

"Everybody likes a good scream." Being here this early, due to keeping Yakusoku from laying into Hakuo over Gev certainly made him wanna scream. So what if Gev is into him? Hakuo isn't into him back. They have nothing to worry about.

In the bedroom.

"Are you ok?" Gev was asking, sitting on the bed beside his seated friend. He took him into his grasp, not a hug or even a hold. He's just got the touch through the wrist.

"I'm fine. I was lost, but I'm fine now." He kept his arms at his side when the concerned goth hugged him tightly. "Nathen called you by mistake. You are supposed to be my mother."

Yakusoku scoffed on the inside. He doubted it. He's probably only saying that because he and Ludwig came as well. Where is he, anyway? Hearing light conversation out in the living room, he made an inner groan. Some backup.

"Well, what was the problem?"

"It's really none of your business. I told you, I'm fine." Hakuo turned his attention now to Yakusoku, a ghost smile cast itself on his lips. "Land." He greeted.

"Krenn."

"Can you give us a minute, Gev. I wanna talk to Yakusoku,"

"Sure." He stands.

"You guys can go home, afterwards. I really am fine."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

Gev looked uncertain about leaving, not just the house but the bedroom. Last thing he wanted was a cockfight, and yet, a part of him would kinda like to see it. It'd be pretty hot. Yakusoku glared at Gev, reading his thoughts - by soul mate telepathy - because with the way Gev looked from him to Hakuo, then back again, he knew far too well what was going through that head of his.

"Out. Go warm the car, you perv."

Gev smiled innocently then left the room. He closed the door a bit, but Yakusoku shoved it closed the rest of the way.

"Why so serious, Batman?" Asked Hakuo.

"You know why, Joker.."

"Yeah. It's all you, and not me." Replied Hakuo. "Whenever someone says 'You know why' it's all head-games played on oneself because you're feeling insecure."

"If you know all that much, or believe it, then leave Gev alone."

"I'm friends with Gev, and not bothering him in the least - save aside this mishap, but that's on he and Nathen for his stress - if he even has it."

Yakuosoku balled up his fist, fast approaching the bed. Hakuo doesn't flinch at the action, nor does he ready himself for a punch, because he knows the newly formed Land won't hit him. He's upset from embarrassment, not from loss. So he isn't quite at the hitting stage. Not yet.

"You know damn well what I'm talking about." He snipped. "You and Gev. This whole… relationship you're trying to get going or to hide from Ludwig and me needs to stop." He uses his index finger to stab his points home in Hakuo's direction. "He is our husband. We love him, and he loves us. And we don't need you trying to take him away."

"I'm not trying to take him from you."

"Right. What exactly are you two always up to each Sunday then? Are you waiting around all week so you can kiss and cuddle on your days off?"

Hakuo scoffed. "Boy, you're really ticked about this aren't you?"

"Gee, what gave it away?"

Hakuo shrugged his shoulders; he tossed the covers aside. He needs to get to school. He's going to get a lashing of the tongue if he's late. Poor Nathen is already late for class because of him. He'll make it up to him later.

"You're more than welcome to join us anytime. That being said... you're really wasting your upsets for nothing. I'm not trying to take Gev away from you. I couldn't."

"You can't."

"And I won't. Calm down." He strips his clothing off then climbs into his cadet uniform, slipping into the light sweats since it's cool out.

"So… What was the issue - if you don't mind me knowing?"

"I don't mind. I'm actually really glad you're here. I can talk to you about it," Hakuo admitted as he yanked his white t-shirt over his head. "It's why I'd rather we don't fight, because one - I don't care to, and two… I need someone to talk to when the Blue Demon comes for me."

"You mean flashbacks of what happened to you as a kid?"

"And before, two years ago and to even a month or so ago." Hakuo nodded. "I got off the phone before with a guy who I was told to molest when I was a kid. And he was telling me all this stuff, and expressing to me - I, who hurt him - how he was doing his best to get well and stay well. That his father smiled with him. It then hit me, how I'm no different than those people that I hate."

"You're crazy."

"I did so much to so many other younger children. I felt like a monster." He frowned. "But, Nathen reminded me that I'm a good person, and I feel better… At least enough to get on my feet."

"I know what you mean. I'm glad to have my thoughts and feelings back all to myself, but then those memories creep up from nowhere. I feel alone, even for a second, and I'm hurting all over again." He sighs, closing his eyes to the peepshow of a nicked and damaged body that was once his, he then says like a robot rattling off facts that he doesn't feel - or rather, he doesn't want to feel. "The cabin, the asylum… What Maria did to me… It all hurts, and it's gonna keep on hurting. I can't make it stop."

Hakuo nods. It's nice to have someone understand. Just as he understands, and by that he could help Oswald, despite having been one source of his pain. "I do feel better now. And I apologize that Nathen mistakenly called you, he was supposed to have called my family. Coming here must not have been easy, considering how you feel about me." Gesturing to his attire, he says. "I have school. Where I don't feel a hundred percent, the distraction will tamp it down. So, we're done. Good morning."

With that he walked out of the bedroom for the bathroom to finish getting ready. No time for breakfast, but he'll get a bagel on the way or a donut. Cops love those. He should eat more donuts.

Nathen was glad to see Hakuo on his feet, and ready to go. He'd hate to head off to school while he's still at home hurting. "All's well. Guess I'd better go." With a wave, he grabbed his bag. "See yourselves out, and bye you guys."

In the bathroom. Hakuo finished doing the morning routine just to end up before the basin, looking in the mirror, teeth grit, and hands clutching to white knuckles on the edge of the sink. Swallow it down. School will distract the leftovers flittering around. He just has to make it there. Breathe in. Breathe out. And repeat. Okay. Time to move out.

# #

"Hakuo!"

'Dear god,' he trudged on ignoring the calls.

Toshiyuki caught up to him, jogging steadily beside him, a brimming aura of positivity. "Good morning."

"Good morning."

They fall into a silence, keeping their breaths even, as they run the day's miles. "Can I sit with you in the cafeteria again?" Asks the only other Japanese cadet in their class.

"No one's stopping you." Replied cadet Krenn.

Smiling, Toshi nods, pleased.

"Do you know who the big guy is?" Hakuo asked. He wasn't sure how he missed him, a 6'1" 197 pound guy, on the first week of academy. He found himself enchanted. So big! He's like a.. well, like a moving boulder! He's incredible!

"That's cadet Cornell." He looked thoughtful then replied. "I don't know his first name. He and I had canine training together. He sure is big, huh?"

Hakuo nods. He could just see getting to be partners with the guy. They'd be unstoppable. He'd hunt them down, pin them there, go ape, and then the gentle giant would pull him off only to scare the perp even worse than the assaulting gnat that was pulled from him. Heh heh heh.

"Cool." He said in awe.

"Yeah, he is cool."

Hakuo eyed Toshi, wondering if he had his eyes on his scouted partner?

"Lift your knees boys!" Says the ghost cadet as he cruised on by huffing and puffing.

"The guy doesn't even run out of breath, he's got some nerve." Hakuo states.

"Tell me about it!" He slows down when he sees Hakuo do so. Hunched and catching his breath for a second, he then begins walking. Arai admits quietly. "It's nice to have someone who can see things the way I do."

"I haven't done it my whole life, but I know what you mean," Hakuo says, yanking his hands through heat wilted hair that's sticking to his face. "about having someone who understands what you've been through."

"I had the worst nickname growing up…"

Hakuo glanced at him, telling him to come out with it.

"It was… Ghostboy."

Cadet Krenn gave a snort in response, a reply he's picked up from Gev.

"What?"

"I was just thinking that you had some tame bullies." He resumes jogging. "If I were gonna pick on you, I'd go endgame."

Cocking his head, he asks. "What would you say?"

Hakuo shrugged out his hand. "Something like 'Deadhead' or 'Gravetard'. If I really wanna bust your chops, I'd go after your family." He quieted to take a turn then says. "'Momsoluem', 'Mausolemom'.. the killer 'Tombwomb'."

"Umm, okay.. I ge-.."

"For your dad, I'd just say that he's so low on sperm count, he can only make ghost kids." Hakuo grinned like a fiend. "Double-burns are the best." He snickered until seeing the sad look on the young man's stately-face. "I wasn't calling you that, I was giving examples - no point to getting mad."

"I know, but, it stung."

"Why? You must know that I wasn't saying it directly to you?"

"Right. Sorry. I guess I'm still kinda sensitive to the bullying."

Hakuo nods. "I understand still being affected by things. It was my mistake. I apologize." Nudging him with his elbow, he says. "Buck up, though. Because of your uniqueness, you're gonna help a lot of people on the police force, just like your grandmother had. She wouldn't give a flip about some jerks slinging weak insults."

"Not when there are people like you who could say worse."

Hakuo grinned. "Exactly."

Toshiyuki cocked a brow at Krenn, then shaking his head in dismay, he states. "You can be really mean, you know that?"

"I've heard I'm weird, I've heard spooky. Nothing about mean."

"Well, get used to it. You'll probably hear it a lot of you keep up with that personality." He picked up his pace to bypass the rude cadet.

Baffled by the sudden exit; Hakuo wished he'd thought it sooner. Just be himself to avoid being bothered.

The cadets at the Lycoming academy went through more training of chin ups, sit ups, push ups, and arms training. The active sergeant was very impressed with Hakuo's ability to shoot. The big guy, however, wasn't doing so great. Blast! What if he fails to graduate because of that? Every aspect of you must be top notch, or they won't let you into the force.

Oh well. Perhaps it just wasn't meant to be.

For however upset cadet Arai had gotten earlier, he seemed to have gotten over it because he sat with Hakuo at lunch as he'd asked to.

"I don't hold grudges." Toshi said as he stepped around the bench before taking a seat.

Hakuo merely nodded and continued to eat his lunch. He's studying for the next exam; and getting crumbs everywhere while eating on auto-pilot.

"His name is George - I asked him." He shook the packet of ketchup before tearing it open to pour over his burger, he sucked the ripped tip once the little slip of plastic was empty, in order to extract any bit more from it before setting it down on his tray beside the cutlery. "I used to be a vegetarian, but, my doctor said it wasn't good for my body type to cut out meat." He shrugged.

"Do you ever watch ghost shows?" Hakuo asked out of the blue.

Toshi scoffed. "Fake."

"Sometimes, yeah, but other ones are real. Look at Caught on Camera… Something that serious has got to be true."

"Not the alien stuff,"

Brows raised, Hakuo asked. "Why not the alien stuff? If the spirit cadet can exist, why can't aliens?"

"I'm not saying it's not possible, I'm just saying it's pretty out there." He chews then swallowed. "We live in a world where many other worlds exist on different plains… I, and you, and others are able to see what is cloaked. There may even be a plain beyond the second one, one which we can't see those that exist there. But aliens?" He shakes his head. "Maybe an exploding satellite, a satellite sending lazer signals that get all strange and make what appears to be alien activity when it's really just light bouncing around."

Hakuo wondered if that was possible? It could be. That's really something to think about.

"You know so much about me," If he were telepathic, he would have heard Hakuo thinking that he volunteered the information. "why I joined the academy," Toshiyuki inquires. "Why did you?"

Setting down his carton of milk, Hakuo shrugged, although it looked as if he'd rolled his shoulder to get rid of a tightness. "So that when I help people, they'll take it for what it is rather than what they perceive."

"Which is?"

Hakuo gave an exhausted sigh. "That I care for them deeper than I do. It creates this awful atmosphere whenever we're around each other, sort of like feeling a crush. I only want to help, I'm not doing it because I'm in love or have taken any special interest in them just because I happened to notice they need assistance." Taking a forkful of salad with ranch avocado dressing, he ate it without tasting it.

He's still got residue from this morning bogging him down. Even when he was training the dogs, he just couldn't commit. The dog, Rocko, barely wanted to listen to his command. He just kept whining and circling him as if to make him feel better. It didn't work.

"I can't see how that could be bothersome."

"Hmm?"

"People misinterpreting your feelings."

"Oh, yeah." Hakuo picked at a plump tomato as he spoke. "The atmosphere is as insufferable as the strong will to try and be there." Circling his index finger around his scarred face, he says. "The result of those overflowing misunderstandings."

Cadet Arai had noticed the scars but he just thought Hakuo was rough and tumble. He meant to say someone's done that to him? How awful!

"With a badge, I'm just a guy doing his job."

The day ticked on, and when Hakuo exited the school, the first thing he noticed was a black and navy dressed goth waving to him in the parking lot. A grin broke out over his face, the happy virus wasn't missed by any approaching onlookers as it was so handsomely sincere.

"Shouldn't you be at work?"

"I took off early, I wanna be with you for awhile." Slipping an arm expertly around Hakuo's shoulders, he steered him to his bike.

"You do know that I drove here?" informed the mixed Asian. "I'm not leaving my car behind."

Rolling his eyes, Gev exaggerated exasperation. "Have it your way, then," he groaned. "go, get in your clunker. But follow me, okay?"

"Okay."

…..

Hakuo was surprised to see he was led out to the Susquehanna River walk. He didn't know Gev was into nature - aside from injecting or smoking it, that is. They walked along the river until they were close enough to where the source falls from; the noisy rush of liquid was like a weird applause. Gev sat, then reached out for his curious friend, tugging him down to sit on his lap within his folded legs.

They just sat their, just a couple inches apart, embraced without embracing. Just taking one another in.

"You alright now?" Asked the concerned. His words were almost eaten by the sound of water.

"I was fine earlier." Repeats the asked.

Gev scoffed. "You were trembling when I touched you, so don't give me that…" His thumb caressed Hakuo's cheek. "On a scale of feeling like shit, 'eh' being the lowest.."

"Hmm… I'd say low in the 'miserables' is pretty accurate."

Gev intoned a response by a hum, and pulling him in he nuzzled his forehead to Hakuo's cheek. "I was worried about you. From now on, I'm the only thing allowed to make you tremble."

Hakuo closed his eyes listening to the water and enjoyed the soft brush of air into his ear as Gev speaks to him. "You can't say that, it's boyfriend talk."

Gev kissed his cheek lightly. "I don't care." His lips brushed the mixed Asian's ear.

"You're breaking the rules," But he can't help responding.

If Gev wanted to give him 'good trembles' he's doing a fine job of it. He can feel the Russian's excitement building against his hip. And the warm breaths against his face swept past his lips, where they were met with for a deeper kiss than the light shades of their seemingly innocent embrace. The rustling of their clothes as they dipped their hands beyond borders mingled with the sloshing hush of travelling water.

How does Gev do it? What sort of bewitching power does he have that can create this fire inside of him? Because here he was earlier this day kicking himself for being a monster to have harmed others with the filth of sex; a preferred Asexual existence whether - anything had happened to him or not; a genuine disinterest in people because at a young age he's had his fill; but here he is taking in all of that because of Gev. And he's ok with it - except the harming others' relationships part. No one should ever be ok with something like that.

But, dammit, he feels guilty. Here he is having come from the same such ruin as the others, but he's doing this. He's getting back something he never even knew that he wanted, while they still suffer in under or over exposure of it due to trying to cope with what happened. As his therapist said: some can be okay with sexual behavior despite the taint left with them, and others can never be with anyone lest it sends them back to that dark place, further scarred and damaged.

And why does Gev want him so much? Because he's telling him "no"? Is that life's MO, to hear that word and contradict it? Wait. Stop being cynical. Gev could easily overpower him and take what he wants, but he stops every time he's asked. Don't ever lump Gev in with those people. He informed his jaded thoughts and feelings.

Hakuo moaned in low voice when his back hit the cool grass; his bent knees part along with his thighs to allow Gev in. He can't answer a single question as to why Gev does what he does to him; and as his hips met his there on the grass, he felt he really doesn't care. With the Russian's weight pressing into him, securely, safely, his hands brushing him with kindness and care, Gev's lips are incharge but hanging back, letting him decide. Their hands touch flesh below the belt and they huff and puff together until there's nothing left but the euphoria.

# #

"We didn't have sex-sex, we had grope and kissing." He says to Mrs. Rhett in the following days after his tryst with Gev by the riverside.

"How did it make you feel?"

"At the time, good. But, afterwards… I kinda felt like socking him in the crotch."

She smiled briefly vanishing it, but he saw. It was okay. It made him smile too, at the imagery. "Why did you feel that way? Did you feel violated?"

"No. I felt like… If you like me this much, why can't you just be with me?" He shrugged his shoulders.

"It sounds like Mr. London values his independence," she held up her hand. "And I know, how can he value indepence when he's married. Maybe it's because they don't ask anything of him, they don't want him to change."

"But… what?" He's confused.

"Mr. London couldn't decide between the two, so he has them both. You're asking that he has neither.. only you. You're changing his independent needs to suit your fixed ones."

"...I don't mean to."

"I know. And I'm sure he knows it, as well." With a gesture of her hand, she adds. "It's not much to you, but for him it's a lot to process. It's like switching religions, earning your citizenship, or even as simple as trying to have your taste preference go the opposite way. Meat for a Vegan, vegetables for a carnivore."

Hakuo took that in with a better understanding. But, still… He's not Yakusoku and Ludwig. He's him. And he'd like to be up there, as someone who's all Gev will ever need. Gev won't want to desire someone else, his independence is honed solely for him. Isn't such a thing possible. Can't he just be enjoyed? So he'll turn down sex a lot of the time. A lot of the time, he's just not into it. The orientation side of himself coming out, and instilling that its unmoved and unimpressed, even with Gev's bewitching power of making him want, he supposed.

"Afterwards, he kissed me so sweetly. He said: "what if we do this… Instead of being Gev London and Hakuo Krenn cheating in a marriage, we're Gev Turvuhk and Phoenix Krenn"."

"Phoenix?"

"My name's translation is White Phoenix, it's written in the Chinese characters."

"I see." Understanding the situation, she asks. "And what was your reply?"

"Why can it be that simple to make excuses, but not to just be with me?" He closed his eyes and smiled. "He felt so warm, lying there against me." Opening his eyes, he says quietly. "I'd like to experience that more than just once in awhile."

"It's not the same with Mr. Quispe?"

Hakuo shook his head. "Sunny is friendship material, not love - and I gave it everything I had to try and make him otherwise, but… naah."

"It's ok. You don't have to throw yourself around for love attempts. If you've chosen Mr. London, that's fine. But what if he never comes around?"

"Do you mean will I fly off the handle? No." And this is a hundred percent true. It's Gev's choice, he's made that clear. But he's also stated his side and what he wants. "But, I'm gonna be mad if he continues treating me like his dude-on-the-side. I'm not just a good time, I'm a good person."

Mrs. Rhett felt her heart swell then break. This poor young man, he has to learn about love at such an age, from such a starting point. As a male mistress. Something he's likely felt since that's all he's had insofar as sexual nature with other people. Men, and maybe even some women, using and abusing him for nothing more than pleasure. He must be so much more confused about it all than he can even verbalize.

"Thanks for what you said before." Hakuo says out of the blue.

"When we spoke about your nightmare of abusing Oswald Applebeum?"

Hakuo nods.

"I'm glad that I could help. Most patients don't understand that situations like that are extreme, and it isn't their fault. Being able to feel guilt over having done it is all the atonement necessary."

"Yeah." He's so glad for this woman. She really is a big help. What she and Nathen said resonated through him. He survived. It's not his fault. He can feel guilty, and be blameless. He got no pleasure out of what he'd done. Not at any point. He shouldn't feel like a monster.

He isn't a monster.

"So about Gev?" He asks before the end of their session.

He can still hear her reply as he stepped into his home. He's going to feel what he feels for him, she said. And whether he can take it is the question, because if Gev won't reply to his call... There's nothing he can do that will put him in a healthy place. He should just give up on him.

In the Green apartment.

Ludwig watched Gev and Yakusoku blast their way through a slew of zombies - extremely fast zombies, but zombies all the same. He was dying to know what Yakusoku and Hakuo talked about earlier, but he couldn't ask. It's none of his business. And his husband isn't upset, or so it seems. So it probably really is none of his business and just something between he and Hakuo. How, he's not sure. Gev was the one called, accident or otherwise. So what could they have talked about? He hoped Yakusoku didn't try to ward them away from each other. That could only lead to disaster, if movies have anything to go by. There's fighting. Always fighting. And then they split up from a lack of trust. He trusts Gev. He knows this for certain.

"Yaku, is what you and Hakuo talked about private?"

"Hmm? When? Oh, earlier." His focus is on the screen. Gev's is too.

"Don't break the chain." Gev mumbled through his focus.

Ludwig watched a number on the screen blink before it came back in solid. He'll never understand the appeal of video games.

"He was telling me about why he was upset. He said I'd understand."

"You mean about that?"

"Yeah. I can understand his depression, he was glad that I showed up."

"Really?" That was surprising, he thought for sure claws would be out. He hasn't seen Hakuo bucking for Gev, but Yakusoku seems to have. Maybe he found out he was wrong?

"Yeah. I mean, Gev couldn't help him, Nathen especially couldn't. We have that sort of understanding."

Gev, for as focues as he was on the game felt a stab hearing that. How does he not know of depression? He's suffered it, and still does. How can Yakusoku say that - especially after Ludwig's death!?

No. Don't get upset by that. Yakusoku's just speaking out of pride. He's trying to get under his skin because he thinks that he and Hakuo are keeping secrets, or creating their own little languages verbally and bodily. It's not anything meaning to be done, it's the kind of thing where if it is than it is. He shouldn't be marked for it. It isn't being cruel. He's keeping him - both of them - from being hurt. Is he wrong? This plagued him.

Which is why, when the evening crept into the night, he had to ask him. He had to know, because Yakusoku can't really think that he's the only one among them who's greatly suffered. He'll be sweet about it. Nothing confrontational or combative. Just straight forward kind talk.

"Yakusoku," because this was not the time for childish nicknames. This is grown up time, Gev and Yakusoku. "you don't really think that about me, right? When you said "Gev couldn't help him". ...Because I know depression… I've suffered with it my whole life."

Yakusoku frowned hearing this sudden conversation. Why's he so upset? Giving Gev his full attention, he awaits an explanation.

Seeing that Yakusoku didn't seem to understand, he says with a pointed note. "About my mom, my real dad, fuck… every damned thing that's happened to you and Ludwig… Don't tell me that I don't understand. I can talk anyone away from the ledge. True, I wouldn't know how exactly, I'm not good with talking for shit like this - but I'd damn sure be willing to try, and I'd succeed."

Yakusoku nods. "I know you would, but, Gev, it's different."

Pissed and getting worse, he shakes his head. He knows that it is not different. "Whatever puts it there, it's there. It isn't different, it just has a different meat-suit to exist in."

"Do you know what it's like to be in the place me and Hakuo and have been? To have our bodies treated like toys… Do you know what it feels like to be molested? What darkness runs through your head when you've been raped by a woman? A woman who claims she loves you, but beats and insults you, then turns around and scars you by doing something like that?" Gesturing with his hand moving on the bedding, he says. "We don't walk alone in depression, but we all walk in groups."

"It doesn't matter.. Groups. Who says that? Yak', I had to find out my mother was paid for. I'm the product of her being raped as a teenager. I went through life thinking my own father was the one who did it, bought her and forced a child into her. Then went ahead and had my sister after he snapped out of it. I had to know what it was like losing you twice."

Yakusoku lowered his shoulders.

"Ludwig was murdered by that shithead, and I had to suffer in losing the both of you that night."

"But, Gev, Ludwig and I are fine. We're alive, and we're here with you."

"So what? I'm just supposed to get over it?"

"No. I just mean, it's easier for you."

Ludwig walked into the bedroom, the sparks were making the lights flicker. Well, it wasn't actually that serious to effect the house, but it was serious within the humans. What on Earth were they in here talking about while he put away dinner? "What's the matter?" He asked looking between them.

"Apparently nothing. Not with me!" Gev exits the bedroom yanking the door shut.

He missed getting the desired slam from wood on wood contact, because Ludwig grabbed he door to prevent its slamming. "What is he talking about? Are you ok?"

"Yeah. We were just talking about depression, and he flipped out." Standing from the bed, he leaves the bedroom, assuming Gev was planning on leaving the apartment, but he found his embittered husband on the couch, barely comfortable with his long legs not having it for the loveseat's length. "Don't sleep out here; we're not fighting. This is just a misunderstand."

"Well it's a pretty fucked up one."

"I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to be a dick, I just meant... If your toaster is broken, you're not gonna get a guy who installs dishwashers to fix it. He's good with dishwashers, but not with small applainces. Do you see what I meant?"

Annoyingly enough. Gev sighed his frustration out in a huff. Getting up from the couch he starts for the room, but is stopped because Yakusoku grabbing him and hugging him. "I really am sorry, and I really wasn't trying to be a dick. ..Can we put this behind us? It's nothing to get worked up over."

He was making it sound like he's pissed because Hakuo chose to seek confort from Yakusoku instead of him. However; he did apologize and he does sound genuinely sorry. Returning the hug, he kissed him. "You're right. I over reacted." He doesn't mean that even a bit. He's still a bit upset. But, he's willing to forget about it, because he loves him.

Ludwig knew when that was his cue to give them privacy as they made up with each other there in the living room on the couch, while he changed into his nightclothes and went to bed.

...

Hakuo could hear his ringtone in the distance. The phone buzzed as he exited the bathroom from the shower. He was sure it was his mother checking up on him. He was too thoughtful over dinner tonight. But instead, he got a message from Gev. He read it over and over, but unlike before, there was no mistaking the words. Typed there in white on blue:

I need to talk to you. ...Something's changed. Can we meet up tomorrow?

Something's changed. This could be it!