Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ The Striplings ❯ Essie ( Chapter 2 )

Chapter 2

Essie

 

1

 

Not many things dampen my spirits, but visiting my mother always does. On any other day, I can put on a smile in almost any situation. Today, I want to vomit. Though it is my car, Troy drives because he knows how hard it is for me to do this. It amazes me that after all this time, after all the crap mom has put us through that we are here. Hours of my time have been spent trying to convince myself to give up and throw in the towel. As soon as I make the decision to not come or skip a visit, severe guilt sets in. Somehow I have convinced myself, that if I give up on mom, she'll have no reason to stay clean.

 

During the hour and a half drive to the women's detention facility, I spend most of the trip thinking about my mother's downward spiral. Four years ago, Troy and I found out about my mother's “addiction”. Dad had finally convinced her to go to re-hab. After years of threatening to take us and leave her, he finally did it, but that didn't last long. Mom's latest binge had taken us deep into debt. I wasn't sure how much it was, because dad wouldn't tell.

 

He took us to his parent's house where we stayed for two weeks. It took her two weeks to decide she wanted her family, or maybe she just had run out of money for her habit. For whatever reason, we came home and she went into to treatment.

 

At the time, my mother used heroine. Part of her treatment was to start taking a dose of methadone every day. Some addicts, who can't handle quitting cold turkey, are offered this medically legal opiate that satisfies the withdrawal symptoms without giving a “high”. Throughout my mother's entire treatment, she never got off methadone. From what I have heard in group therapy, it's not uncommon for a person to continue using methadone for the rest of their lives. I prayed that would not be my mom.

 

One of the hardest things was to actually look at her. She was never beautiful, but a lot like me. Pale, brown hair, browns, eyes and pretty much a plain jane. I'm definitely seen as a plain person, but on the tall side at 5'7”. That's why Mitch and I fit so well, most girls think of him as average looking. There is nothing distinct or exciting about my looks; my brother inherited any attractive genes in the family, most from my dad. Except for height, he's only about an inch taller than me. It probably happened that way because boys usually take after the dad and girls after the mom. Now my mom had dry stringy hair, decaying teeth, spotty skin, and cold eyes.

 

In the beginning, my brother and I unconditionally supported our mother. We just wanted her to get better. My mother, however, just wanted to keep a steady source of income for her drugs. My thoughts were interrupted by Troy's voice.

 

“Don't you think we should just skip the after party?” I turned to face him with a very confused expression on my face. What in the world was he going on about and what had led him to believe I was listening?

 

“You're not listening, are you?” He wasn't mad, we are rarely angry at each other. We used to fight like cats and dogs, but that all stopped when mom went away the first time.

 

“Really, what made you think I was in the first place?” I said in my quirky upbeat voice.

 

“I don't know. At least you're smiling. I know you don't mean to, but you're being depressie Essie right now.” That was his little nick name for my infrequent down moods.

 

“Did you ever think you're just as depressed as me and just hiding it?” I countered to him.

 

“It would take a lot to depress me right now.” His faced opened in to a huge smile.

 

“Yeah, yeah, wonderful Sam Porter. You need to get a grip brother. You're going to freak him out.” I still couldn't believe Sam Porter was gay. Well, now that I had seen him drooling over my brother, I could believe it.

 

“Have you told him I know yet?” No, he hadn't, but I wanted him to squirm for calling me depressing.

 

“He's very uncomfortable with the idea of anyone knowing. Even though you're my sister, that won't be enough. After all, he'd never tell the twins. It doesn't help that you're dating one of his best friends too. He'll be convinced that Mitch would find out.”

 

“I would never tell anyone Troy,” my voice a little hurt.

 

“I know you wouldn't, but Troy doesn't know you. He just thinks of you as Mitch's chic. It's going to take time for him to grasp our loyalty to each other.” When Troy said things like that, it almost filled up the gaping hole my mother had torn out of my heart.

 

“You know, you're the only one I really love,” I said and then laughed. “It's pretty pathetic I haven't found someone else that I care about as much.”

 

“You will,” Troy said matter-of-fact like. A slight chill ran through me. Troy was in love with Porter. That could be the only reason for his optimism. Both of us were true pessimists, knowing all too well the dark corners life had already had in store for us.

 

This was a whole new catastrophe to worry about. When Troy came home from track practice a month ago and said he thought Sam Porter was gay, I was ecstatic that there was someone out there for my brother to be himself with. I wanted him to have all of the things that Mitch and I had, even if it was on a limited basis. But the very last thing I wanted Troy to do was fall in love with Sam Porter. What the hell had Porter done or said that had made my brother so…happy?

 

Despite what Troy said about wanting to keep everything absolutely secret, he would have come out if Porter was willing. Troy hated the fact that they had to keep girlfriends just to be around each other. He thought it was cruel to lead Kelsey on, even if she was too stupid to realize his real interests. Not Porter though, he didn't care about Lola's feelings and at the time, I didn't think he cared too much for my brother's either. But Troy had assured me that Porter was very serious about their relationship. Apparently, he had plenty of evidence. Whatever the evidence, I didn't need the details. It's not because he's gay. I'm not turned off or repulsed by gay or lesbian sex. Even if my brother was having sex with Kelsey, I wouldn't want to know. He's my brother, and that's just gross. Although I didn't want to know my brother in that way, over the years I had learned we both appeared to have the same genes for sex drive. My brother's being that of an average teen male and mine just in complete overdrive for a teen girl.

 

Troy hadn't started talking again, so I assumed he thought I was pondering my own happiness. Of course, I was deliberating on his, but sometimes I just had to let Troy think inside his own world.

 

By the time we made it home, it was dark outside. Dad was awake and in the shower. Troy had mentioned that Porter would be coming over tonight and I was to `find something to do', which I didn't mind. He had been covering for Mitch and me for years, so the least I could do was return the favor. This was also the reason why I stopped giving him rides to school and started leaving a half hour early.

 

About a half hour later, there was a knock at the door. We had been watching Family Guy, but I was up getting a pop. When the knock came, I was right by the door, so I opened it. Porter stood there, giddy as a school girl. God it made me a little sick. Could this person really be capable of loving my brother? Every time he was around, his face was void of emotion. I turned quickly, without so much as a hi, and went back to my seat, still in a crappy mood.

 

I watched as Porter walked into the living room, I just couldn't help it. His eyes dashed over to my dad just before he looked at Troy. I could see the spark in his eyes as they fell on him, though his face remained the same. For a moment, I thought it could be possible. Finally, he decided to sit by me.

 

My dad came and sat down with us and I found myself wondering what he would think if he knew the truth. He really liked Porter and thought it was nice that he gave Troy rides home from school, not knowing they unnecessarily rode to school together as well. Our dad knew I left school early to work; Troy had practice too, so Troy just took the bus instead of having Dad wake up and come get him. During the school year, Troy chose not work, but to focus on track. I chose to work as much as possible which had made it possible for me to afford a car. I had literally fallen over laughing when he told me about the day Porter parked outside our house before school, because he thought that's where Troy took the bus in the morning. For one of the top students in Troy's class, which Troy mentioned often, Porter could be such a dope. He was best friends with Mitch, yet didn't know I was Troy's sister. If he had, he could have guessed I took him to school. Not that Porter would have paid attention to me or any other girl for that matter.

 

My bad mood still wasn't picking up which put me in a bad way when my phone rang. I recognized the ring instantly, Mitch. Round four, here we go. Mitch and I were going rounds about tomorrow. He was set on spending the night drinking with a brief appearance at the dance. Reluctantly I answered.

 

“This better be you apologizing and telling me you have changed plans.” This was probably not the best way to start, but I was staying firm this time.

 

“Awwwe, don't be that way babe.” My face was instantly livid. He was drinking right now. Mitch, of all people, knows my mood after seeing my mom and he knows calling me drunk is just suicide. As if I already didn't know from the looks on everyone's faces that I was yelling, my dad mumbled something to me about getting out. I charged out of the room.

 

“Where are you?” I asked, half shouting, after I closed my bedroom door.

 

“I'm with Robert, kinda like a college visit. I'm trying to cheer him up. I'll be here next year too you know babe. Won't you miss me? Tell me how much you're gonna miss me.” For the love of god, what an idiot. When Mitch was like this, I focused on the things I loved about him, a list growing shorter with each day. Right now I was so enraged even that wouldn't help.

 

“How about I come get you and give you a ride home?” I was livid, but I thought I still loved this idiot and I didn't want him getting in trouble. Okay, I didn't want my drunken boyfriend sleeping with some college slut.

 

“Only if you promise to show me how much you're gonna miss me.” His voice was all gooey and lovey.

 

“Sure. You know it.” I clicked the end button on my phone and immediately speed dialed Kevin, Mitch's brother.

 

“Hello,” said a deep voice. For a second I didn't realize it was Kevin. I had been doing that a lot lately. Kevin was a sophomore, but going through lots of physical changes that I couldn't help but notice.

 

“It's me.” Yeah, that's how much I called him, hence why he is number six on my speed dial. From the sound of my voice, he knew why I was calling.

 

“Where?” He was definitely upset. I must have been interrupting something important. Maybe he was with a girl. Maybe I shouldn't have called.

 

“Morris.” Better just to get it out quickly. Morris was the name of the city that housed the closest college to Creston Hills. It was a public college, so it was the most attended college of our town's graduates. Although it was the closest, it was still a 90 minute drive.

 

“Give me twenty minutes.” The line went dead. I wanted to get gas and eat before we left, so I grabbed a couple things I could fit into my purse and darted out of my room. I didn't want my dad to be suspicious, so I put on my best smile and headed towards the living room.

 

Twenty minutes later, I was pulling into the Bailey's driveway. Kevin was waiting and not alone. His companion did not look happy. She glared at me as Kevin jogged over to my car. He jumped into the car and I sped out, not wanting to lose any time.

 

“I stopped at McDonalds and got a bunch of stuff. Help yourself.” Kevin rummaged through the bag and took out two double cheeseburgers and a fry. “Oh and there's some pops in the back I got at the gas station.” The least I could do was feed him if I was going to make him give up his Friday night. Once he was finished eating, I thought I would get the obvious out of the way.

 

“Was that…”

 

“Yes.” His answer cut me off before I could even finish the question.

 

“So, her and Robert are. . .”

“I don't know. We're not really serious. She doesn't talk about him.” Wow. This was surely unknown to Robert. Mitch would have told me if they had broken up. Robert had been dating Stacy Moore for a little more than a year. I had been under the impression that they were very serious. Stacy was a junior and Robert was a freshman in college. He came home frequently to see her, or so I thought.

 

“I thought they were in a solid relationship” He sat there for a minute, thinking I guess, then said,

 

“You don't know Stacy very well do you?” I shook my head. “She's not the kind of girl to be solo. She likes having a guy around all the time to worship her.”

 

“Are you worshiping her?” I detected a little tone in my voice and I wondered what that was all about. Rarely did I have harsh words for someone, especially Kevin. I risked a look at him. When I started dating Mitch, Kevin was in 7th grade and just a scrawny kid. He definitely wasn't a scrawny kid any more. Quickly I told myself I just cared about Kevin because I had been friends with him for so long. Really, I didn't want to see him with a girl like Stacy, especially if this was how she treated her boyfriends. If he was dating anyone that was single, I wouldn't care.

 

“You really aren't in a position to ask.” My ears heard the words first, because my eyes were too busy looking at other parts of him. I'd been catching myself doing that a lot lately. To my dismay, he had not missed the tone in my voice and I sure wasn't missing it in his. Immediately I became defensive.

 

“Look Kevin, you didn't have to come. I'm sure you were planning on a wonderful night with Stacy, but you should have just said no instead of being a dick.” Who was I mad at again? Was it Mitch for going off to a college campus to party or Kevin for..for…what? What the hell was going on? Why was I yelling at Kevin? Now all of the sudden I was feeling waves of anger. It must be left over from seeing my mother today.

 

“I don't give a shit about Stacy Moore,” he nearly shouted at me. That completely stunned me into silence. “We're both in theater and see each other every day. She comes over sometimes. That's it Essie.” There was a long silence, while I debated on whether or not to explain myself. I chose not to.

 

“You're a good brother. I hate that I have to bother you so much with Mitch, but he's…” I trailed off. What could I say to validate Mitch's behavior?

 

“I didn't come to help Mitch. For all I care, Mitch deserves to get nailed for the shit he's been pulling all summer and still doing now. I thought once school started, he'd cool it. But, if anything, he's getting worse.” So true were his words. Why was it so hard for me to see?

 

“I know.” It came out as just a whisper. My eyes were starting to quiver under the threat of tears. Something had to happen fast. I quickly changed the subject. “You deserve better than Stacy Moore.”

 

“I already told you, she's no one special.”

 

“But there could be someone you cared about. You're so smart. You're always talking about things that I really don't understand. You can write an essay without using grammar or spell check. You're talented in theater and you're even a freaking jock! Aside from all of that, you're…” The first thing I thought of was definitely not something a person in relationship should be thinking, so I said, “nice to look at.” There was definitely a smile on my face as I wrapped up my list. Kevin was very still, so still I didn't want to say another word. He was thinking about something. It seemed like he was trying to make a decision.

 

“Do you really mean that? Everything you just said?” He was turned in his seat now, facing me. It was hard to really look at him because I was driving. But I eyed the road one more time and swung my head around to look at him.

 

“Every word.” I'd found my happy voice and kept my smile firmly in place. That seemed to satisfy him and I was glad. Somehow everything had become very awkward. What had I just told him? I did mean everything I said, but I wasn't quite aware of when I began to think those things. Kevin reclined his chair and closed his eyes. While keeping one eye on the road I looked at Kevin, really looked. He didn't look like Mitch. Mitch was tall and thick, not fat, but muscular. Kevin was shorter and lankier. Over the last year he had really filled out, but he was still small compared to Mitch. Mitch had always had very short brown hair, almost to the scalp. Kevin wore his longer, how I wished Mitch would grow his, and it was lighter, sandy colored.

 

`Stop,' I mentally yelled at myself. Definitely a good time to get my hormones under control. I must be really mad at Mitch to be doing this right now. God, how stupid was I being. I just told Kevin how wonderful he was, even though he was. He really was. I'd called him at least a dozen times over the summer to help me with Mitch. Most of the time, it was to get him into house without waking up their parents, but he did other things. Like now, he came with me, no questions asked.

 

“What?” His question snapped me out of la la land. Apparently, I was still looking at him, drooling might be a better word.

 

“What?” Playing dumb is sometimes the best policy.

 

“Nothing.” He catches me staring and doesn't call me out on it. What a nice…'Stop!' Morris was not close enough. I saw an exit sign for the campus and called Mitch. After about ten minutes, I was able to extract the name of a frat house they were at.

 

We ended up parking a few blocks away. The streets were filled with students. Most of them inebriated to at least some degree. All of the sudden I was feeling extremely uncomfortable. I reached for Kevin as we walked, not wanting to get intermingled with the college crowd. In a graceful gesture, Kevin had lowered my arm so that he could just take my hand. That was fine by me. I felt less vulnerable being around drunken college guys if I at least looked like I was with someone.

 

Once we entered the house, I leaned in closer to Kevin and linked my arm around his back. His arm slid around me and he led me through the house. To say that I was uncomfortable with public intoxication would be an understatement. Ever since we took those classes with mom and I was inducted into the `addiction hall of shame', I hated being in any situation with people under the influence. Thank god Kevin came with me. I realize that next year it's going to be me at some college, but I would never be at a place like this. We went from room to room, asking people if they knew Robert or Mitch.

 

There was one more room to check before we headed to the yard, the last room in the hallway. The door was slightly ajar, so we could tell we were walking in on a group, not a `couple'. I unlatched from Kevin in case Mitch happened to be in here. The door gave easily with a gentle push, but I had to stop before it was completely open. There was more than just drinking going on in this room. All of the sudden I thought I was going to be sick. My breath immediately caught in my throat and my heart skipped a beat. Kevin saw almost the same instant as me and pulled me into him and out of the room quickly. I kept my eyes closed as he led me out to the back of the house. As soon as we were outside, I pulled away from Kevin and headed to the side of house. At least my heaves would not attract too much attention. I wasn't the only one losing their dinner, but for a much different reason. Ever since I've known about my mom, I just can't stomach people using drugs. Even when there is a scene in a movie, I have to close my eyes.

 

It took me a moment to notice, but Kevin had stayed by my side, holding my hair away from my face. For the next few minutes, he bared my weight against him without movement or words.

 

Kevin called Mitch again and Robert answered. A tense look crossed his face and finished the conversation away from me. Mitch was passed out in one of the rooms upstairs. We decided to drive up to the house, then Kevin and Robert would load up Mitch.

 

On the way back to the car, I still was feeling shaky. Kevin had had to let me go when he made the phone call and I was debating whether it was okay to return to his side. Before I could make a decision, he had his arm around my shoulder again and I eagerly wrapped both of my arms around him. It felt so nice to be near him like this. I came up with excuses the entire way to car for why it was okay for me to be clinging to my boyfriend's brother.

 

But eventually, I gave up trying to find excuses. I was here because my boyfriend went off to party at a college without telling me until it was too late to stop him. Now I was up here bringing his drunk ass home again. Why do I keep this up? My thoughts broke off when we reached the car.

 

I tossed Kevin the keys being in no mood or condition to drive. When I opened my eyes, Mitch was passed out behind me and Kevin was still outside with Robert. I had no idea what the hold up was, but I wanted to get home now. Honking the horn seemed to get their attention, causing Robert to walk away first. Damn Stacy Moore. After we had been driving about a half hour, I realized Kevin didn't have a license yet. Just as I was about to ask him if he at least had a permit, he started in.

 

“This was stupid Essie. Coming up here, for this jerk. He would have slept it off in whatever place he was in and Robert would have given him a ride home tomorrow.” Of course it couldn't just be an easy night of forgetting everything that just happened.

 

“Who knows what he would have done if we had left him there.” There was little in my voice that sounded as if I really cared anymore.

 

“Who knows what he already did do Essie!” We both knew what he was trying to say. This caused me to start crying. Apparently Kevin knew something I didn't.

 

 

“No. No Essie. I have no idea. He only ever talks about you. Just get some perspective on this situation. Why are you still putting up with his shit?” Good question.

 

“I don't want to throw away the years we've spent together. I do love some part of him still.” This is was my mantra I had been telling myself all summer. He snorted. “What?”

 

“Nothing. Get some sleep.” His hand rubbed against mine to show me he wasn't made anymore. Instead of letting it slide off of mine, I turned my fingers and locked them into his. He didn't let go. Suddenly the events of the night hit me and I was drifting.

 

 

2

 

When I awoke, it was raining and we were turning off the interstate, out hands still locked. The change in car speed must have woken me.

 

“I called Chase, he's going to meet us at the house and help me get Mitch in.” That would have required him to let go of my hand, which meant he replaced our hands together. Very delicately, I traced my fingers around his. Several things started to happen to me at the same time. My heart raced, breathing slowed, and most obvious to Kevin, my hands were shaking. How could I ever look at Kevin the same after tonight? I didn't want to look at him the same.

 

“Essie, don't.” He pulled his hand away from me, which at this point had made its way to my side of the car.

 

“Don't what Kevin?”

 

“Despite everything I said tonight, Mitch is my brother.” Were my emotions so easy to read? Did he feel anything for me?

 

“I know,” I whispered back to him.

 

“Chase is here.” I hadn't even noticed we stopped. “After I get him in, wait here.” I obeyed and watched them from the car as each of them took an arm and carried Mitch into the house. I slid over to the driver's seat. A moment later, Kevin was back in the car, soaking wet. His shirt was glued to his body and I could see all the lines and muscles I'd been missing.

 

“Essie.” His voice was soft and sweet. My eyes refused to leave what lay beneath those soaking clothes. Anyone who really knows me knows I'm a very physical person, and right now my physical person wanted one thing. “Essie,” he repeated, but I still didn't care. “Please stop what you're doing, brother or not, you're driving me insane!”

 

“I'm just looking at you Kevin. Do you really want me to stop?” Finally I was looking at him. He looked terrified, so terrified that I came snapping back into reality. The reality was that this was my boyfriend's brother. Would I ever betray Troy for a guy? Well no, so how could I think Kevin would. “Kevin, I'm really sorry.” I jerked the door handle and welcomed the cool rain on my much overheated body. Somehow I had to find my brain. Breaking up with Mitch was one thing, but seducing his brother was really low. But it wasn't just his body I liked, he was so. . .everything.

 

“How do I know you won't go back to him tomorrow?” Kevin had come around the car so that he was standing next to me, both of us now soaked. I turned my head up to look at him. He was actually considering this.

 

“Does it matter? He's your brother.” His eyes stayed fixed on mine, waiting for me to answer his question.

 

“I need to know exactly what you're thinking Essie. Are you mad at him and want revenge? Are you bored with him? I need to understand why tonight you're suddenly interested in me.” The rain was making it hard for me to think of an explanation that he would understand. I motioned for him to get back into the car with me. Could I just tell him the truth? Would he believe it, I hardly did. Once we were both in the car, I started talking.

 

“I don't want revenge and I've never been bored of Mitch. In fact, I've never wanted another person the entire time Mitch and I have been together. But tonight I just want you. I don't know why I feel like this suddenly. Maybe it's been building for awhile and I just ignored it. The truth is, all night all I saw, all I felt was you. Even after Mitch was in the car, I only saw you.” Kevin didn't look scared anymore as he laid his hands around my face.

 

“Essie listen to me, my brother loves you. On the way home I did a lot of thinking, and all that stuff I said in the car was just me being mad at him for the way he treated you tonight. He loves you and if you really made him, he'd quit drinking for you. You guys will get through this year and go away to college and live happily ever after.” Oh. Kevin wasn't interested in me. In the car he acted like any sixteen year old boy, not like he. . really cared. I needed to wrap this up and go home.

 

“Kevin, I know you don't want to see Mitch get hurt, but tomorrow, after the dance, I'm breaking up with him. Tonight I realized I don't want to be with Mitch anymore. Even if you don't want me, I still don't want him.”

 

“Essie, it is taking every bit of self control that I physically have to not pull you over to my side and do all of the things I've been fantasizing about for the past two years. You need to think seriously, you don't want to break up with Mitch.” Okay, there is only so much my hormones can take before I go completely insane. My hips pivoted across the center console and I was now directly on top of him. Once my hips connected with his thighs, my left hand reached for the seat lever and we were both reclining. I'd had a bit of experience with my car. He was the one having trouble breathing now, but he still managed to keep his hands off me.

 

“Essie Mitch won't forgive me. He'll never forgive me if I do this. Please Essie.”

 

“Kevin, if you really want me to stop I will. Do you really want me to stop?” I asked him for the second time tonight, but this time I whispered into his ear, layering each word with my heavy breathing. My words worked and he completely snapped, turning into a Kevin I had never seen before, losing every bit of self control.

 

 

Most people think Troy and I are incredibly lucky to have no parental supervision during the nighttime hours. These are the same people that curse the parents who double and triple check to make sure their children haven't snuck out. Those kids have parents who love them more than they love themselves. These parents know that their wellbeing and happiness is tied completely to their child. Thinking about this puts a bad taste in my mouth.

 

I've always been jealous of the kids whose parents showed up for the band concert, the big game, or opening night of the play. If my parents came, it was because I dragged them away from whatever else they had going that night that they actually wanted to do. I couldn't fathom missing my child's band concert, no matter how many I had seen. Why was I born to parents incapable of putting a child ahead of their every need, not just some needs, all?

 

In exchange for having second class parents, I get to stroll into my house at 3:00AM and not worry about getting grounded or yelled at. I don't have to explain where I was or who I was with. My mind is free to replay every moment that conspired in the car with Kevin. Just thinking his name sends tingles down my spine. With my fingers wrapping around the cold metal of my door knob, a smile creeps across my face at the mere thought of his name. Within moments of opening the door, my artificial high plummets to the ground as I stare into my brother's eyes.

 

“When he came back,” Troy's voice broke off without even looking up. It was a struggle just for him to get the words out. “When he finally realized he was making a mistake.” Again he broke off, his swollen eyes surveying the room around him without any real purpose to them. “I wanted to be the first thing he saw. Then he would know it was okay.” Troy spoke those words with finality. As if he had resolved ages ago that Porter would not come back. Perhaps he had been sitting there waiting for me.

 

“Is it over then?” I made my voice as soft and caring as I could. It was hard because my insides were still reeling from my evening with Kevin. He didn't look at me, just stared straight ahead to the door.

 

“I don't know,” he whispered. “We had a fight, couples fight but. . .” His eyes were a little blank as if he were going through the exact sequence of events during their fight. “He's feeling very betrayed and wants to use it as an excuse to. . .” This time when Troy stopped, he dropped his head down between his knees.

 

“Does he want to see other people?” I couldn't imagine there were any other boys in school that were gay. Well that's just stupid. Of course there were, how the heck would I know who was gay.

 

“Technically he's already dating someone else.” These words were bitter and full of envy.

 

“He doesn't care about her. You know he cares about you, he's just not ready for people to know. What do you think his family would say if they found out about you two?” I really didn't truly believe in the words I was saying, but all I cared about was easing the pain Troy was in. For too long I had to watch my frustrated brother look for someone who he could be his true self with. It would be unbearable to watch him lose this after only such a short time, even if Porter is a prick.

 

“I think he does care about her. No matter what he says or even what he tells himself. He wants her in some weird sick way. He'd never tell me, but I see a longing in him. To make sure he's making the right choice. As if any of this is a choice.” There were no more tears or lovers cries. Anger was the dominant emotion running through Troy now. And just like that, Troy was finished. He stood up without so much as a glance to me and walked down the hallway. A moment later I heard the door slam.

 

Seeing my brother's despair seemed to let all the air out of my sails. Somehow I drug myself over to couch and slumped into its worn cushions. Was this what Mitch was going to go through tomorrow after we broke up? Who would he turn to? Kevin. Oh god, how sick would that be. Kevin knew, he tried to tell me, but after what happened between us, I was not letting him go.

 

 

 

3

 

Now that I was a senior, getting ready for a dance was more like a chore than a treasured experience. Being that I was not part of the Homecoming royalty, I really had no reason to look exceptionally nice. So I opted out of getting my hair professionally done. It was, however, a necessity to have a new dress. Luckily I had already purchased a nice cornflower blue satin dress, with silver lining. Needless to say, I needed only a little longer than my brother to get ready. When I stepped out of the bathroom he was waiting, leaning against the hallway closet just outside of the bathroom.

 

“You look nice.” He smiled briefly, but I could tell he had much greater things weighing on his mind.

 

“Is it just you and Kelsey, or is it a group thing?” Evidently he was still going to Homecoming because he was dressed to kill, so I felt pretty confident asking this question.

 

“Originally that was the plan, but I'm having enough trouble keeping it together. I know I'll have to see them at the dance, but I can't stomach any close contact. So it's just us.”

 

“Why are you still going?”

 

“I may not want the same things Kelsey wants, but I'm not a monster. I won't stand her up like that. I can keep it together for one night. Monday I'll let her down easy.” He must be feeling better because he continued to appear very relaxed. My eyes continued to take in my brothers appearance and I couldn't help but feeling a pang in my heart. Troy may not be as handsome as Malcolm, but he definitely had a sexy appeal. Then the terrible thoughts crept into my head, even though I knew they were bad. If he wasn't gay, would it be easier to find someone? Then he wouldn't have to pin all his hopes on a closet case. Would he still be interested in Porter if there was more to choose from? So many girls would die, maybe not literally, for a chance with him. Stop it! I told myself. Would I ever be able to look at my brother objectively? I sighed and Troy looked as though he was going to ask `what', but there was a knock at the door.

 

Troy turned and in a few moments, did I mention we have a small house, he was answering the door. There was a pair of silver high heels staring me in the face that I couldn't put off wearing a second longer. In mid reach I froze at the sound of an unexpected voice. It wasn't Kelsey and it most certainly wasn't Mitch. It was Kevin.

 

Within moments, Troy was in front of me again, a little smirk on his face. Kevin was standing behind him. Troy paused for just a moment to mouth the words `why didn't you tell me?' before continuing down to his room. Was it really that obvious? Within seconds my question was answered. Kevin was flushed red and near hyperventilating. Quickly I observed he was just a half step away from me in the small bathroom.

 

“You look beautiful.” His left arm stretched and pulled me into him. I let him. Part of me didn't want to get into the whole ethics thing again and the other part of me was thinking how absolutely gorgeous he looked.

 

Kissing him brought back the memory of all those things we did last night. Kevin's lips were eerily similar to Mitch's and it felt like we'd been kissing each other for years, not hours. In a quick moment, Kevin pulled away.

 

“They're waiting for us.” He turned around to grab my other shoe.

 

“Who? What? You're riding with us?” Eventually my brain was able to catch up. “Why”

 

“Mitch wants a DD and he thinks you might get pissed and leave him.” A week ago it would have been completely feasible that Kevin and his date would ride with us, but not now. What else could we do to drive the stake a little further into Mitch's heart? It was going to be hard to hide this from him. Now I knew why Kevin was so nervous when he first walked in.

 

“How could you agree? It's so inappropriate.” My cheeks burned and I knew my face was bright with anger. “And you're in here kissing me, while he's. . . What is he doing?” He was reluctant. You would think he would want to make his brother look as bad as possible, but I guess the instinct to cover for him was strong. I crossed my arms and leaned away from him.

 

“It's nothing. He was on the phone, so I said I'd get you. Though by now he may be wondering what we're doing.” His voice turned dark and his eyes grew sad. “Remind me why I'm doing this Essie.” As he finished the words, his arms back around me, pulled me in. I let myself mold against, allowing his body to feel all my curves. Those soft lips met mine roughly and we were one. We might have continued on like that for ten minutes if Troy had not deliberately cleared his throat. Kevin released me, but did not turn around.

 

“Kelsey sent a text. She's pulling up.” Time to face the music I suppose. This was going to be my last night with as a couple with Mitch.

 

It was a typical high school dance. Mitch and I didn't even touch the dance floor. Most of our time was spent away from each other, talking to friends in my case and I didn't want to know in his. The lowest points were when I had to watch Kevin with his date. Silly as it was to feel jealous, I wanted to be in his arms, not her. Second to that was watching my brother watch Porter and Lola. She laughed and bounced around the gym. Porter smiled when she looked at him and then tensed as soon as he didn't. He looked nervous. Not once did I catch Porter looking at Troy which was a bad sign. The only interesting event was seeing Stacy Moore with Robert Michaels. Evidently they were still together. I was afraid to look at Kevin in case there was a sign of jealousy on him. Within an hour, Mitch began hinting that he wanted to go. By two hours he was flat out saying it.

 

I went to find Kevin and found him talking to Chase and his date, who at first I thought was a girl from another school. She could have been a model she was so beautiful and perfectly built. Then I realized who it was. Rose Ortega was dating Chase. What the hell was going on? My curiosity got the better of me and I searched for Jose. Can't miss that gorgeous specimen anywhere. He stood in the shadows with the rest of the Reygas, a look to kill on his face.

 

“Kevin, Mitch wants to leave, are you guys ready?”

 

“Yeah.” Chase and Kevin exchanged a few words and then he and his date were following me back to Mitch.

 

Mitch and I lead the way to the car with Kevin and his date close behind. Once we were to the car, Mitch turned on me and took me in his arms. Within moments I was against the car and his hands were everywhere on me. Okay, so normally this would be fine, remember what I said about me being very physical. Plus we'd been together for years!

 

“You look so hot babe. Maybe Kevin can drop us off at your house and you can drive us to the party later.” He'd kept his voice low, but Kevin had heard. I was almost certain he was not completely sober. This had to end, not just because Kevin was ready to bound across the parking a lot and wail on his brother, but because it was high time I found someone that was not so likely to turn into my own mother in ten years.

 

Mitch could feel my lack of response and pulled slightly away. “What, you're always the one jumping me.” I think I heard Kevin smirk. “Why are you being so cold?” I gave him a slight shove and he backed down. Turning to the side, so I didn't have watch him as I said the words, I began.

 

“I can't watch you keep doing this.”

 

“Doing what?”

 

“I don't want to be with someone who likes to get drunk as frequently as you. I really don't want to be with anyone who likes to get drunk period.” That was the hard part. Mistakenly I looked at his face.

 

“Just like that, we're done? You're just going to walk away from me?” My body froze and my heart felt like it had been stabbed. So many thoughts were racing through my head at the same time. He still loved me. I had betrayed him. Kevin was right. I'm a terrible person. I gathered my courage and remembered my lines.

 

“How can you even think of doing the things that cause me so much pain? You of all people should remember how my mother broke my heart.” Every word was true, but I didn't want to have to use it. Kevin's date was trying to pull him away to give us privacy, but he was frozen.

 

“Just because your mother turned out to be junkie, doesn't mean I should have to give up a basic part of being a teenager.” He was calm, still trying to persuade me, but he had gone too far. I wanted to call him a traitor and liar and spit in his face, but I harnessed all the emotion raging through me and spoke one last declarative sentence.

 

“I made my choice a long time ago and it looks like you just made yours.” This time I stared right into his eyes as I spoke. Although this was supposed to be a planned break up, my heart gave a shudder as I realized the depth of my words. My hand was already on the door and I slid into the backseat. There was only one set of footsteps walking away, the other two were scrambling to get into the car. No one said a word all the way to my house.

 

My emotions were pulling me in so many directions I couldn't hold a thought. Somehow I managed to leave the door unlocked for Kevin before I made my way to my room. The heels were the first thing to go before I slid under the covers. Ten minutes later I heard the front door open and close, the sound of footsteps in the hallway followed. Then Kevin was next to me and I was safe. He just held me without speaking and I was glad not to have to think. We both drifted off.

 

A couple hours later I awoke to screams coming from somewhere in the house. They weren't screams of terror, but of anger. Troy was yelling, but at who. I hadn't caught what Troy had said because I was still coming out of my sleep. But the next words I definitely heard and I no longer had to guess who was standing in my living room with Troy.

 

“How could you?! How could you with Lola?!” Troy's shrieks rang loud and clear and I felt my stomach drop.

 

4

 

“Shit.” My voice was just a whisper. Automatically my brain was reeling through explanations that I could tell Kevin. What would he do if he knew? Mitch was Porter's friend. It would only take a few more minutes, seconds before he would figure out what they were arguing about. Before I had time to say anything, something crashed against the wall.

 

“Stay here. Do not come out of this room.” There was not time to even check to see if what I said had registered with Kevin. About two seconds after the crash I was out of my room and running down the hallway.

 

Porter was standing in the middle of the room, in front of the door. His arms were opened in a gestured that begged for understanding. What shocked me most was that he was only partially dressed. My brother had even less on. As I looked up to take in his face, his eyes met mine. I could see the questioning and terror in them. But I could also see the great shame and pain. Suddenly I remembered why I had run out and looked for the source of the crash.

 

Behind Porter, a glass that had collided with the front door was now in a hundred pieces on the floor. Finally, I forced myself to look at the one face I didn't want to see. Troy was about three feet away from Porter, but turned sideways so he wasn't looking at him. Head down and shoulders slumped in, it was clear my brother was just as broken as the glass. I could feel the changes in my body as I entered the fight or flight mode. Adrenaline was pumping through me.

 

“What did you do?” I annunciated every word through grinded teeth. Porter made no movement to suggest he would breathe a word of anything to me. Could he still believe I didn't know? Suddenly Troy was speaking.

 

“I told you what would happen if you slept with her,” his voice dropped as he said the word `her'. I had never believed Porter would do it. He was gay, what the hell! Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a slight shuddering from Troy's sleeve. His body was trembling ever so slightly. Porter made a move to reach for him.

 

“Get out Porter! Leave my brother alone!” He spared me no more than a disgusted glance and was directly in front of Troy a moment later. Troy didn't move as Porter lightly took his hands.

 

“Troy, what do you want from me? I told you it was a mistake. That's why I came to be with you tonight. Do you want me to break up with her? Tomorrow, I'll do it. I don't care what people think not anymore. Please forgive me, I have to be with you.” When Troy didn't respond, Porter was encouraged, but I knew my brother and nothing would sway him.

 

“No matter how close I get to Lola, I still think of you and wish she was you. I'm sorry I had to hurt you to realize what I wanted, what I needed to be whole.”

 

“Porter, you need to leave.” I hadn't meant to speak, to interrupt, but I couldn't watch it anymore. Troy was too weak or broken to put up any sort of fight. I couldn't let my brother give in.

 

“What are you still doing here Essie! This is between me and Troy. I don't even know why he told you.” There must have been something threatening in his voice because Kevin appeared from nowhere. He must have been listening in the hallway.

 

The moment Porter spotted Kevin was truly priceless. His pale face turned even whiter if such a thing were possible. He let his hands fall from Troy's and took a step back. Despite the fact that he looked like a zombie, Troy didn't miss this reaction. Slowly his head snapped up out of his trance. I was behind Troy, so I only saw Porter's reaction to the look on Troy's face.

 

Without any inhibition, Porter stepped into Troy and kissed him. Let me say, knowing and seeing are two different things. I knew the things my brother had done with Porter, but to see it, made it real. Kevin winced as the two connected, but didn't move or say a word.

 

The kiss ended and Troy pulled just a fraction of an inch away from Porter.

 

“We should talk in my room.” With Troy leading the way, they left the room. As soon as they were out of ear shot, Kevin started.

 

“Holy shit! Did you know about this?” It must have taken everything for Kevin to sit through that little episode because he was exploding with shock right now.

 

“Promise me you won't tell. Please. I know Porter's a jerk, but my brother.” He cut me off with a wave of his hand and scooped me up in his arms.

 

“Do you really think I would do that to someone? Even if I wasn't crazy about you, I wouldn't, couldn't do that to my worst enemy.”

 

“You're so…Good.” He smiled and kissed me on the forehead.

 

“Not really. I'm here with you. I can't stay away from you even though I know it's going to kill Mitch.” This seemed to be a nice time to pitch my idea.

 

“Maybe we shouldn't tell him. At least not until he's had time to find someone else.” Kevin let out a big sigh and moved to sit on the couch. “Do you think I can just keep coming over for holidays and family game night, but just sitting with a different brother?” I paused to let that thought sink in. “Everyone just needs time.” His head shot up when I said that last part.

 

“Do you need time? Is that what this is about?” This was going the wrong way. I sat on the couch next to him and took his hand in mine.

 

“No! It's about Mitch. Put yourself in his shoes. No matter what it is, you come out ahead. You have better grades. You play baseball better than he plays basketball. Your charismatic and he's, well you know how he is. He really loves you and accepts that you're just the better one. But you're the last person he would want to lose me to. Especially so soon.” Kevin wasn't responding which was making me really nervous. I circled my arm around him so I could snuggle next to him. If he was still willing to do this with me, then maybe he wouldn't go stomping out.

 

“So what, we just act single at school and see each other in private? Essie I don't know if I can do that with you. How can I hide how I feel when the feelings are this strong?”

 

“Well,” Just then a door slammed and Porter was walking across the living room toward the door, fully dressed. He was trying to hide his face from us as he went for the door, but before he could turn the knob he paused. Apparently, he couldn't leave without some sort of reassurance from Kevin. Without turning he spoke, his voice still shaky.

 

“I'm sorry about what I said to you Essie. You've always been nice to me and apparently you've always known. Mitch really loves you, and what you're doing to him is wrong. Kevin.” He paused as if he was looking for the exact right words. “Under any other circumstances, I'd be the first to tell Mitch and then I would help him when he kicked your ass. But I know you won't say anything about tonight, so I will never tell him.” Neither Kevin nor I spoke until the door was closed.

 

“Do you really want it that,” he gestured between the door and the hallway, “relationship? Sneaking around and hiding.” Porter's words didn't seem to bother him. At least he was smart enough not to take advice from a two timing bastard. Abruptly, he stood up and began pacing in our small living room. “Eventually, guys are going to flirt and ask you out. What will you do?”

 

“Even if I don't date anyone for the rest of the year, people will understand. And then next year, I'll be at college and we can be a real couple there.”

 

“When do we get to be a real couple here? When do I get to have my girlfriend over for holidays?” How long would it take? I'd been laboring on the here and now without thinking to the future. How long would it take for all to be forgotten? Kevin still had two years of high school and I wouldn't be around. Surely we needed an agreement by the end of the year.

 

“This summer. When school is out and everything has blown over. Mitch will be going away, so it won't be so hard. Maybe by then he'll have someone else.” He was giving me a serious look, doubt in his eyes. “I promise we can be a real couple then.” Using my full weight, I stopped his pacing and locked him in my grasp. My head lifted slightly and I waited for his concession. I didn't have to wait long.

 

“As if I really have a choice. I can't let you go, I want you too much.” There was so much more than one meaning in his voice and my heart and body were equally jump started by it. Then, there was a beeping sound from Kevin's phone. He looked down, “911, Kevin. I told him to leave the Ortega girl alone. Idiot. I've got to go get him.” He swooped down to kiss me without waiting for a reply from me. Then he rushed out. When the door closed, Troy's opened and I could hear him coming down the hallway.

 

Troy came and sat on the couch. I flopped next to him, wrapping my arm around his shoulders. In an instant his arms copied mine and we were locked. His head was pressed into my shoulder and his body let go. Everything he had held in all night was pouring out. Maybe Porter was more than just a convenient relationship. What if Porter was really everything my brother needed?

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“No. But I can't forgive him, not yet, maybe never.” Despite everything I knew he would forgive him. I could hear it in his voice. Someday, he would take Porter back; probably always take Porter back, if Porter was willing to never give up.