Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ The Winged Warrior ❯ What We Used to Be ( Chapter 10 )

Her body felt heavy when it hit the soft sheets on her bed, the tall woman had only the intent of wrapping herself up and staying warm that winter night waiting for her warrior to come through and talk with her. The burden of stress over his well-being lifted from her shoulders made the world hard to focus on, just as soon as her haggard head hit the pillow she slid from the world of the conscious. Her dreams were no longer plagued with imaginary battle fields or torture chambers but were rather unmemorable. Though, reality was silent. The world was dark for the most part when her eyes opened again. The full moon did come creeping through her window beyond the snow covered branches. His coat was folded at the window. Part of her bed was folded downward, and a warm hand brushed the hair from her face. In that dark room, all she could see were his illuminated eyes like the shimmer of a golden coin in the moonlight.

She smiled at him for a moment. “How long have you been here?” He shrugged with his crooked grin on his face. He shifted down to the floor where she crawled and started to kiss his cheek over and over again. He just beamed as she hugged onto one of his arms that he rested up on her bed. “Seriously, how long have you been here?”

“A couple minutes…” He admitted. “I didn’t want to wake you up.” The sloppy haired boy looked back at her and found a soft kiss upon his lips. It made everything flutter around in his head and stomach. Her slender hands moved the hair from his face and re-analyzed his facial features like an old book that was once read thousands of times. “You need to sleep.” He shifted around and held her face for a few seconds running his thumbs just below the bags under her eyes. He knew that there were caused by stress from his disappearance for so long. “I’m sorry.” He spoke in barely a whisper; he leaned forward a bit and left another kiss on her lips. “I never mean to go and get captured… I’d stop fighting but… I’m a warrior.”

“So you’re going to risk getting captured by the enemy again- getting killed even, because you’re a warrior?” She let go of him and sat up so they were looking eye to eye. “You know what you’re doing too- you’re making people worry about you and your running off to war even when people beg you not to River.”

“Alex.”

“No, I’m going to keep talking! It makes me worry about you River- there are people dead from that confrontation in September. Dead, River, and the numbers are still rising from the wounded that aren’t doing so well. “She frowned. “Are you even listening?”

“I’m always listening Alex, I’m just not smart enough to follow advice.”

“This. Is. Not. Advice.” She said as though every word were a sentence. He just stopped talking and focused his eyes on her. The eyes seemed to dim, the moonlight no longer made the golden coins shimmer. “I can’t stop you from being you, River, I know this- I’ve had to learn that I can’t stop you from running off and trying to get yourself killed..”

“I’m not trying to get myself kill-”

“Every time you walk onto that battlefield, you are tempting death.” She replied before he could finish. He scowled to one side. “Do you even know what you’re fighting for? And don’t say me, River, don’t say me.” He was silent. “Are you going to answer me?”

“Are you going to interrupt me mid-sentence?”

“No- Sorry, I got too enthusiastic about my cause.” She rubbed her head. It felt like she’d been trying to head butt him- only to find that his head really had been made of concrete. She took in a deep breath and then looked to him. He was gathering his thoughts- trying to lay down his words like slabs on an elaborate walking path. His eyes said he knew- his mind was working and though she was certain he knew an answer, he wasn’t saying it right away. Alex waited for his response.

“In 1846, my great-great-great-great grandfather, Tenshi Musha founded the Tenshi Buke clan with his best friend, Enzeru Buke. They built this city from the dirt up- the manor itself was crafted by Tenshi and his five sons, Maxiumillion, River, Enzeru, Tyson, and my great-great-great grandfather, Eric.” River took in a deep breath. “In 1850, after the birth of his son, River, Tenshi was talking about expansion for our people. Enzeru was in agreement with him- but one key factor differed. Enzeru had become power hungry and knew for a fact that we as a people with wings and powers could capture and take the masses of humanity. Tenshi disagreed and Enzeru said he was a traitor- he said that if he would not do it then he would. Tenshi did not willingly give up the throne as he knew what Enzeru would do- it turned to violence and the clan splintered. After the murder of multiple members of the Musha family, Enzeru had tempted Tenshi into war. At the time, people were very enthusiastic about it and they were plunged into battle…” River sighed. “We haven’t stopped fighting since.”

“That doesn’t sound right; we’ve been fighting for-.”

“Over one hundred years.” River nodded. “Exit strategy after exit strategy have been tried for our withdrawal- but each time we are thwarted- but then again, we’ve done the same to them time after time. “ River heaved, “There was only one man that ever got us so close we could almost taste victory- and that was River Musha the second, my great grandfather.” His words caught her almost in a story like manner.

It left enough room for her to question. “What happened?” She asked a bit, resting her head on his arm. “Why didn’t he finish what he started- I mean surely if we were that close then there had to be a delivering blow that we didn’t take…” She watched River’s face as it twisted a bit uncomfortable. “They killed him didn’t they?”

“Not him. Ironically, my great-grandfather and I have the same taste in women.” He joked lightly. “He married a blond blue eyed girl… named Alexandra.” He took in a deep breath. “On September 10, 1953, a battle struck south of the capital. “ River narrowed his eyes at the wall in an attempt to find his words for this situation that was obviously very grave. “Had she not shown up that day, our history may be very different.” He frowned. “She came to save him- and she did. There were two successors to the Buke line at the time- Enzeru the fourth- and Engel the first.” Almost as if it had been his own wife that had died in those battles, River seemed to shake. “Engel kept River engaged in hand-to-hand. Enzeru had the gun that day- a rifle, strong but not enough to pierce all the way through a body.” His word began to quiver a bit. “She jumped in front of a bullet for him.” He watched the floor talking in deep breaths as he spoke again. “He would have never known if his daughter hadn’t screamed...” River groaned a bit more after this statement. “My great-aunt was then shot by Enzeru and killed as well. My grandfather, Arnon, said that his father never recovered but that was the only time he ever really saw his father go ballistic. My great-grandfather killed Enzeru and wounded Engel to the point of being restrained to a wheelchair. My grandfather was about nineteen at the time, and just lost his mother and his twin; his father was mentally unstable and he had to take the throne. He tried for years to get a final knock out strategy from his father but nothing ever came.”

“You see!” Alex pointed out. “You see what happens!” She almost cried out but he just looked at her with a bit of a distant eye. “There is more to this story…” she confirmed relaxing back into bed and listening to him speak again.

“These two men… Tenshi and River… they had blue wings… and so did their wives.” Rive twirled his thumbs around. “The people look at me and say that I’m the third, I’m Tenshi and the old River and I can end this war.” He said softly. “That’s why I can’t stop fighting ,Alex.” He sighed. “They think that’s who I am, and I want to be just like they think I am.” He said softly.

“And that’s also why you don’t want me behind you on the battle field?”

River was silent for a moment, but it was true. He grimaced a bit. “Alex, you’re going to do what you’re going to do… we’re not bound to the past.” He ran his powerful hand back through his long hair. He just felt aggravated at the slightest thing. She didn’t understand him and he wasn’t helping her understand him and he didn’t know how he could.

“but that’s why you don’t want me behind you on the field?”

“Yes.” He spoke exhausted by the question. “Yes, it’s why I want you to stay in the village.” His mouth curled downward and let his eyes drift away from her. “I worry about history repeating itself…”

“But you want it to repeat itself so you can deliver the knockout blow?”

“Is it wrong to have delusions of grandeur?” He let out his bellowing laugh and then he let his head slide and rest against hers for the moment being. “I’m sorry; I know my logic is warped.”

“That’s an understatement.” She replied softly. “What are you going to do when it’s all over?” There was over a hundred years of people who knew nothing but war and knew nothing but how to react when a siren called them out of their homes at any hour of the day. There were generations that buried young men and people who never knew peace. River just stared at her for a long time. His mind was built for war- he was built to be a soldier. Just as so many others had been, it was hard to believe that only about a year or so ago, and they were far away from this. It drew a person in and trapped them in the web of fighting and war. “Be Lord of the Tenshi clan?” She tried to help him.

“I guess so.” He blinked a bit rubbing the back of his head. It was painfully obvious that he really had no idea what he was going to do after his time as a soldier ran out. It was another boy that was lost to the ages of war. She still didn’t quite know if he’d been like this before or if this was a new development, but from the outside looking in, for a moment, she felt bad for him. She hoped that they’d be able to pull him away from that after he came home from that last fight- but she prayed for the last fight more. She wanted this war done, she wanted it just to end and the troops to come home and raise children that never knew war that didn’t have to know war but knew how to celebrate the soldier that did.

She sort of smiled at him for a moment. “I may make you promise me something…”

“Oh lord.” He rolled his head to one side- away from her, and then he brought it back. “What?”

“Promise me that you won’t fight for the rest of the winter- and I mean calendar winter, not snowfall.”

“You drive a hard bargain.” He cringed a bit. She put a hand on his shoulder and gave him the biggest puppy eyes that she could muster. “No Fair.” He looked away. “What will it accomplish for me not to fight?”

“It’ll make me happy.” She said softly, “it’ll make your mom and your sister happy too.”

“Deal.” He said quickly as though he meant to say it when she mentioned her happiness. “Expect me to become your shadow again.”

“River, after the last few months, honestly, I couldn’t be more thrilled to hear that.” Swiftly she planted a kiss on his cheek. He just grumbled a bit and nuzzled his face back into hers. “You’re a good man, and you’ve done your service to your community.” He didn’t agree but he kept his peace none the less. She took in a deep breath and rested her head on his shoulder. “What’s happened to us River?”

“Hm?” He looked to her almost confused. “Nothing’s happened to us… we’re the same people as we always were.” He said it more rigid. He wasn’t going to budge on this and the fight seemed like it was ready to be on. He was tempting her with it almost. He wanted her to take this bait and finally she saw it.

“We’re always fighting when you’re home… about the stupidest things. “ She rubbed her head. “What have you done to me? I cried about you!” He smirked to one side almost cocky. “This isn’t me… and that isn’t you.” She shoved him for his arrogant smile. “You’re not the River I know, my Friend River, you’re someone entirely different.”

“I’m not different; I’m still the same guy.” He defended himself, standing with his fists at his sides. Not to be intimidated, Alex got up as well. “I’m still me, Alex…” He took her hand and made her just touch his face. “You see, still River Musha.”

“You are not the River Musha I fell in love with.” Alex drew her hand away. “Your face is the same, your look is the same but you are not the same.” She tried to playfully shove his chest and his hands shot up grabbing her hands- his face twisted into anger. “You see.”

“You should know goddamn better then to keep shoving a guy that just came back from being captured!” he piped angrily. “You have absolutely no idea what they did to me there!” She took a step back. His body seemed different from that lovable oaf that he used to be- it was cold, almost mechanical and cruel… it was something she didn’t want to touch almost- something that was better to look at than feel and try to absorb. This wasn’t her River… and she was tired of being… pathetic!

“Well then maybe you shouldn’t be hopping around houses at night! What are you, an idiot! If you’re that messed up maybe you should be at a hospital!” She really shoved him this time. He didn’t budge- he felt like a bolder that had just placed its self in the middle of her room. Those shimmering coins were like fire now- she could see them again, but not in the way she wanted to- not in the soft way that his eyes used to look. “What are you gonna do? Hit me- again?” She knew she was pushing it- but she felt a piece of her comeback finally. The part of her that was once tough- the one that didn’t rely on him all the time when she knew he wasn’t going to be there.

His jaw seemed to tremble for a moment- she thought for a second she broke through the thick skull in front of her but it was only the muscle vibrating in the adrenaline rush of anger. He gritted his teeth together and grunted once out of pure frustration. His eyes flashed blue for a second and then she stepped back again. He turned and put his hand on the window frame. “I have to think.” He half snarled. He put his foot on the window seat getting ready to climb out.

“Oh, of course, you have to think, because you obvious couldn’t have a thought in your head from September to NOW!” She yelled, at least it was getting off her chest. At least it wasn’t burrowing inside her waiting to just slap him one day.

“WHAT ARE WE THEN ALEX?!” He snapped back at her, she almost jumped at the harshness of his voice. “Do you even give a damn if I love you or not, do I even love you?! I don’t know!” His face was turning red as blood as the nagging burned over. “You don’t want me to fight; I can’t accept that you want to help me. I’m losing my mind because of the things that that fucking battle field has done to my head and when I come home I got a blond bitching at me for going out and seeing those things in the first place!” He held his head for a second. “What are we to you?!” She just stared at him in slight fear of what he’d really become. “STAND UP TO ME DAMMIT I DIDN’T FALL IN LOVE WITH A WHINY FUCKING PANSY!” She just stared with her mouth open. “Quit it! Stop just standing there like a deer in the headlights, say something!”

“For the love of god, SHUT UP!” She returned. “It’s all about what I’ve done wrong isn’t it?” She stepped up and stood strong. If there was going to be a turning point in her life, it was going to be tonight. “What are we to me?” She repeated. “We’re nothing, nothing at all, because; after all, how can you be anything with one party absent!”

“You’re right.” He finally said with a small scowl. “We are different.” He went back to the window. “And I don’t know if I like it.” He took off his necklace getting ready to take off out the window without another word… thinking that it would be his infamous last words of this relationship. As far as he was concerned as of right now, they were over. A clean cut that had to be hacked at many times to break through was not made between them.

“The only reason you’re saying that is so you can go out and fight!” Alex returned. “You don’t care about me or anyone else, you just care about showing that you’re stronger then Engel... as creepy and as malicious as he is… at least he’s a better gentleman than you.”

“Then why don’t you go and marry him instead of wasting my time?” His voice was cold and calculated. He leaped out the window and flew back towards the manor. She shut and locked the window. If he wanted to apologize, he could wait until the morning- outside even! He had a lot of nerve coming here and thinking that he would get away with all of that. She went to bed angry, turning her back to the window- she couldn’t believe that she’d sobbed over him! What was wrong with her? That wasn’t her and it wasn’t going to be her again, not even if he came back with a rose in his mouth and a box of chocolates. Maybe it would be good to knock him down a peg- he may have been the prince of the Tenshi clan, and he may have been the heir to the throne- but he was not her everything- not by a long shot. This would probably cause Sam to smack her forehead later on, but at the time, Alex didn’t care. She finally took her life back, how invigorating. She did wonder for a moment, what he’d gone off to do after this, but she didn’t focus all that much- as she didn’t care.

He’d gone off to the one place that he could think alone. The roof of the manor was covered with snow but his wings had cleared the area in which he now sat perched where he could watch the entire village without a single building blocked by another impairing his view. The snowy white roof tops were glaring at him as he perched there and watched the world go by. Exams were going to take him and rip him apart- not that there was a single teacher that probably dared to make him take them. He watched a single snow flake fall, in front of him while his train of thought was pulled away from life. He watched its fragile form land upon his knuckles and slowly turned to nothing but a droplet against his warm flesh. It was almost like symbolism of his world, delicate but roughed edged like a snow flake and easily melted away.

He let the droplet run down his hand and then fall onto the tiles of the roof disappearing onto the dark shingles under the night air. He left his wings out- they caught the softest of winds on this dead night. He could hear the agonized screams again that escaped his body. The sensitive injuries were on the back of his wings- it didn’t hinder his flight ability but it wasn’t the most attractive to see the large burn marks on charred feathers. The sound of the door slamming below gave him a start- it sounded like the guards coming in for the daily testing. He automatically started to take in quick breaths, they’d started to use gases on him- he never knew when he would be tortures with the unruly substances. As he realized how the night air was blowing under his rapidly taking throat, he slowed his breath… he was home and he was safe again. Safe for today- and hopefully safe for tomorrow…. He wanted to stay here and not fight for a long time. He wanted to sleep for a thousand years and just feel like no one could harm him again. He wanted a mental and emotional barrier to erect between him and those who could hurt him.

He couldn’t hide forever. He wanted to though, just for a little while longer at least. His brain was fried. His life was on the downward spiral and nothing was accessing correctly. He was supposed to be the prince of the Tenshi clan, he was supposed to have the girl, and he was supposed to be invincible. He wasn’t meant to be this mass of cold nothingness… He wasn’t supposed to be this disgusting ball of depressing crap. In a moment, he made up his mind. This wasn’t the life he intended to live for himself- and this wasn’t the lifestyle he wanted to show to anyone else. He didn’t want to impose his arrogance or spread his anxiety.

He stood on the shingles and spread his wings; he watched his silhouette expand on the ground like an angel spreading his wings. He was no angel. He knew that already- he knew he was no mortal but he wasn’t an angel. He was caught in-between as he’d always been. His body had its faults and its invincible edges. His body did- but his mind was an elaborate working of where he was and who he was today. If there were a thing he wished more than anything in the world, he’d wish for his mind to be at peace so he could figure out the matters of his heart. Did he love Alex?

Why was that the hard question of his life? Did he love her or did he not love her? That should be one that he could answer off the top of his mind without a thought. He was so mad at her right now. She’d compared him to a man that even the devil couldn’t stand. She’d taken all that they had and in five seconds spit on it and thrown it in the street. Shouldn’t the response be easy? He watched his breath visible in front of his face for a little while searching for the answer in the smoke like air.

Undeniably, as angry as he was at her, he couldn’t say he didn’t love her. He couldn’t say he didn’t care about her. Though, he rested his mouth in his hand. She’d made her point very clear today. “I don’t bark up un achievable trees.” He commented into the empty night. A wind seemed to knock him in the back as a warning to make a move or be guided away. “I don’t.” He repeated and a whiff of vanilla went under his nose. He tightened his fists, she was wrong. He cared about more people than she realized. It wasn’t just about him… if it was about him… wouldn’t it make more sense for him to sit back and watch other men go off to die for their kingdom…

He was tired of fighting her. She was tired of fighting him. They were two bull headed people that kept knocking horns… and he knew his were more political influential. This had to stop. They were going to tear each other apart before they had anything settled. He headed down the building- brick by brick. He slid in his window without a sound; the dog on his bed looked up at him with a tilted head and then relaxed back down. “What do I do, Buddy?” River asked jumping on the bed with his dog. “Neither of us are wrong..” River sighed and watched the shadows dance along the wall. He changed into his pajamas and examined his body. There were large patches where burns had been and the flesh was now growing back, there were small bandages over subtle cuts. He ran a hand along his arm counting the bumps from bruising and cuts that almost scarred. Buddy just rested his head down and fell asleep. “Yeah… I’ll sleep on it… good idea.” River rolled over and stared at the ceiling… he couldn’t close his eyes without hearing screams of fellow prisoners of war.

They kept him alive because he was the prince of the Tenshi clan and more valuable than the others… He took beating for a hundred men who were paraded in front of him and were going to be killed on his word. He was beaten again and again. They were beginning to trick him- every time he said no they’d beat him and kill the warrior quickly and fairly painlessly… when he said yes; they’d torture the warrior to death…. His body was too tired to fight with his haggard mind- and soon his eyes closed.

BOOM!

The last explosion was the last time he saw even a glimpse of his brother. There were many hands on him like ants swarming sugar or a dying animal that they could tear apart for nutrients. He felt himself ushered along with punches and slaps even kicks. He felt cigarette butts against his back singeing his flesh and forcing him forward. He felt the back of his head grabbed and then- SLAM. His forehead broke into a metal table without a single restraint. A curt laugh came from the corner of the room, his eyes rolled up. Blood was dripping in front of his eyes and pooling in the curve under his now forcefully alert eyes. “Do it again.” The voice raveled out without a moment’s hesitation. He felt his head lifted up again and he tried to jerk his arms forward to stop the blow but a clank came from behind him- they’d handcuffed him! BANG! He watched the blood start to leak onto the table around his head that was being forced down by the force behind him.

The voice in front of him twisted into a new illusion “Show our guest the Buke clan’s hospitality.” All he felt was pain- thousands of blows fists, claws, feet, teeth, and even a few slaps- the crack of a whip and the sting of the narrow rope against his back. He was back on that table again- only his body felt half dead now… nothing even wanted to move… there was deeper red blood on the table- a deeper blow it seemed but he couldn’t remember what they’d done to him. “I think he’s ready…” The man smirked, his arms crossed across his sturdy chest. Engel… always Engel, it would always be him- no doubt about it. “We should talk, my good man..” Engel moved the hair from his face. He remembered jerking but his body barely moved. “This is just for self satisfaction...” He saw the eyes start to glow- but they faded to black… his eyes rolled down to watch his hands seem to turn into nothing but shadows and in a moment, those hands were on his head.

It felt like a deep relieving sleep… but then a dream start to distort and appear. He’d gotten free from the Buke village and finally, with blood dripping down to the ground, he’d returned to the Tenshi Buke Village. Buildings were toppled… there were buildings on fire… but the manor stood still. There were still things standing but not many. So he headed there, hoping to find out what was going on and then from there, he could be the hero again. He opened the large French door s and immediately regretted this decision. A maid or butler had come to the door first- before his family and someone had killed them on the door step. “Mom! Dad! Will! Rain! CAIN!” he yelled in looking at the defaced figure. He kept running and he found them… each individ- he couldn’t even describe it. His heart rate went up, his shock and his fear went up- the entire royal family was massacred- brutally, brutally massacred. “Who did this to you?” He gripped the shirt of the young Cain… “who did this…” he looked up and all that was standing there was a mirror and though he felt so much anger and so much pain… when he looked, his reflection was grinning. Wild dark red hair with the darkest blue hollow holes that he’d ever seen in his life, it was him though… it was him. “No…” he got up… blood was on his hands. “This is a lie!” he bolted out of the house and looked around the streets… there were people dead on the streets…. People half hanging out their windows. The statue of Tenshi in the park was beheaded, the tomb of his great grandfather leveled, it looked like ground zero for a second but there was a shimmer of hope… the Oceana house was still standing and still had light on- he saw a shadow moving on the inside… he knew that it was at least well there… so he bolted to it. His foot slipped in a puddle of indefinable liquid on the ground but he got up and kept running towards the house like a mad man. What was going on at home? This wasn’t real, this was a dream...

As he rounded the corner- the place was built again. Its new resurrection seemed- peculiar. He looked around in utter confusion before he heard the canons going off in the distance. This was odd, completely and utterly odd. Oh well, there was a fight on the horizon. He snatched for his necklace- no necklace- oh that was good. He leaped- and fell on his face. He blinked a bit; he looked back… no wings? Okay, okay… well… He brought his fist down on a rock- he heard his hand crack but no break… This was some fluke- he just needed to get into the battle. So he started towards it with eager eyes. His eyes didn’t stay eager. He was denied access to the battle field. “What?” he blinked a bit looking at all of them, “what are you doing? I need to get out there.” The guardsmen just scoffed at him. “I’m River Jafar Musha, don’t look at me like that!” They just laughed at him. “Get out of the way!”

“or what?” one of them asked amused by his display, “you’ll beat us up?” River threw a left hook only to be thrown to the ground and pinned. “What are you going to do? You’re nothing but a lame duck.” River just glared up at them and got the foot off the center of his back. His mind started to spit insults hotly towards the guards but none erupted to his lips.

“I need to be out there.”

“THE BUKES SURRENDERED”

“What?” River looked over. The group was raising his brother onto their shoulders; Blaze wasn’t dressed in a military uniform- he was dressed in his diplomat suit…

“The WAR IS OVER!”

That wasn’t possible… he hadn’t been there…

“REJOICE!”

What was going on here? He looked around and then he saw Alex. She was rushing towards him- or at least he thought it was him. “Thank god.” He turned to look to her. “Do you-”and like that, she went right by him. “What?” he blinked as though confused. She stopped with one of the nicest kids in school- an utter nerd, but the nicest guy anyone could know, and she kissed him. He was celebrating with her. “What!” River repeated louder. The world was celebrating around him... He was insignificant here. He couldn’t even get a word out- but; thankfully, there was Rain. “Rain” He took a hold of her elbow. “What’s going on here?”

“River!” she piped in shock, almost as if he was a ghost or something. “Oh, um...” she looked really nervous like he would snap on her or something. “Jack hold on, I need to take him back to the home.” She looked to her boyfriend who River could distinguish in real life as well. “I don’t know why they let him out.”

“What?” River looked to her with a quizzical expression on his face. He glanced to his wrist as she grabbed it- The Tenshi Clan Asylum for the Clinically Insane?! “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” he broke from his sister. “What is this?” He pointed to his wrist. “Rain, what’s going on?”

“River, that’s your name tag, I’m going to take you back home so that Chester and Greg can make sure that you’re well taken care of... you know why you’re there, hun..”

“Rain, I’m not crazy.”

“River, we need to go.”

“I’m not CRAZY!” He took a step back. “I’m not some lame duck! I’m River Jafar Musha, I have blue wings and super strength! What’s happened to me!” Everyone was staring now, the warriors with their wings out and the rejoicing people. “What’s going on?”

“River, you don’t have any powers… you’ve never had powers…”

“No…”

“River …”

“No.”
“River, come on.”

“NO!” With that he broke away from her and the rest of the crowd- guards tackled him to the ground. “GET OFF OF ME! I’M NOT CRAZY! I’M NOT CRAZY! I KNOW WHAT I AM! I KNOW WHAT I AM!!!”

“RIVER!” the sound of the voice jolted him from the nightmare that had consumed him to the point of believing that it was truly reality. There was Rain standing over him for a moment, they looked at each other; for a moment, she looked as scared as he did. “River, are you okay?” She held his face for a second as his chest started its rapid motion. “What happened, River? What’s going on?”

“River?” He heard Blaze; they were all there before too long.

“Get away from me.” He said simply. He started to feel like a trapped animal. “Please get away from me.” He tried to jerk his face away from his sister’s hands but there was no luck. She held on, staring him in the eye as if trying to figure out what was wrong with him. “Let me go!” He yelled. Rain just stepped back; he felt his nose wrinkled up in anger and; somewhat, fear. He felt like that abused animal that just couldn’t take it anymore. He was a political machine; he was a warrior; he was NOTHING. He was just a shiny toy; he was nothing if he had no powers… he was nothing without his wings and he was nothing without Alex. He twisted his neck around until it was aligned again. “I have to think.”

“River, it’s four in the morning”

“I have to think!” He returned as he opened the window. He grabbed the necklace on his neck like it was a life line. “I can’t stay here… I can’t be a caged bird!” He shoved the window open. She tried to grab his arm to slow him down, but he just slipped through her grip and leapt through tearing his necklace off and just soaring for as long as he could. He perched on an old log at the bottom of a hill just south of the village, in the barrier. He moved layer of snow after layer of snow. On that log, years and year ago, a young boy carved a freed bird- two in fact, one with an R in the center and the other with an A. A love sick boy with nothing but the future looking forward to was sitting at his spot- and he was again today. He put his icy fingers on it and for a moment, he saw that young illusion of the boy after he’d knocked that tree down, when his strength was young and under developed. The illusion of a t-shirt and jean clad boy was rather inappropriate for winter but it had been summer then… he looked so happy too. His face was young and filled with color- innocence. That was before the war; that was before Edmund took him-those a memories came to him while they threw him against the wall of that dark cell.

He tried to look up to the same wavy haired girl but all he saw was the darkness of the early morning before dawn. At the time, that wavy haired girl was part of the dream. The dream of becoming the war hero and then relaxing his life through his reign as lord; marrying her; having an heir, son or daughter; and handing off the throne leaving the instructions to keep the name Musha on the royal plaque. What a stupid dream.

They waited for the sun to rise and the world to be lit up to go look for him. They called Alex, she knew where he was but she wouldn’t talk to him. Rain went out alone into that field. He would talk to her if no one else. After all, he’d been all right until the others showed up. She almost had him under control until the room became too much for him. “River?” She spoke.

“Rain, I am a self centered maniac.” He said quite honestly. “I wreck things up, and I don’t care what I leave in the path. I’m going to kill Engel, and if I die in the process, I don’t care; I don’t care how it’ll affect anyone back home.” He folded his hands in his lap. “This war could end peacefully... if I wasn’t the head warrior that everyone cheers for… I’m a war hawk… I’m not going to give up the fight to compromise.” His words were cold and calculated, as if he saw truth in the clouds. “That cover it?”

“No River, you’re not like that.” Rain interjected. “You’re saying that as though you don’t have a single positive attribute to you.. Sure you’re an arrogant jerk sometimes, but that’s not all you are…” Rain took a seat by him and then looked at the carving. “You gave up carving when Edmund brought you back…” she commented lightly. Rain didn’t like conflict, he could see that. She was the good girl, she was the healer that rather be put out of business than work every day. “You can be really funny, and really considerate… and nice and-.”

“But I’m still all the things I said I was aren’t I?” She hesitantly shook her head. “Please don’t lie to me.” She frowned. “I don’t know who I’ve become, but I really don’t like it. I’m not a child anymore... I think it’s time I stop acting like I am one.” In a brisk movement, he was on his feet. “I have to go talk to Alex.” He said simply. He started to walk in the direction of her house. Rain blinked and then got up and followed after him.

“What? Are you kidding me? She wouldn’t even come out here to talk to you. Why are you trying to go start a fight?” Rain tried to get in front of him, but his longer legs kept him at the unfair advantage. “River, you’re not doing the smart thing.”

“Me and the smart thing don’t get along, I tend to follow the fools path, it’s much more interesting.” River smiled his crooked grin again. “So I’m going to go talk to Alex, and apologize for the way I’ve been acting and see what she wants to do, because I don’t think we have a stand anywhere in what our relationship used to seem like it was.” He got ahead of her with a little jog.

“No fair ya tall jerk!” She called in a tease.

“I love you sis!” He laughed as he went along. That path was so familiar and all he could think about was the dream and the morning he’d dealt with. He hadn’t thought of the words to say, it was best just to let them come naturally instead of sounding like some bull he’d written seven hours before to impress her with how smart he was and how flirty he could be in a hundred words or less. She didn’t need to know he was smart. She didn’t need to know he was a flirt. It didn’t matter that he could write something poetic that could make her cry. It mattered what he had to say to her after how he’d been treating her… and in the back of his mind, he hoped she didn’t forgive him for his rotten behavior because she didn’t deserve to be treated like that even though he was doing it. He wouldn’t have let someone else walk all over her like that so why was he doing it himself? He felt like sticking his foot in his mouth as he knocked on the door. She answered it and just stared at him. He felt his lips dry and for a moment, she almost shut the door but he opened his mouth to say something so she kept it open. The silence became utterly dreadful. There was no warmth there, just an empty cavern of words he couldn’t find to say.

“All right… look… I can’t give you some sort of sonnet saying I’m sorry. Cause I don’t even know if I am- don’t shut that door, I still have to talk to you.” He held his hand up before she could slam it in his face. “It’s not that I’m not sorry about how I’ve been treating you and how I’ve been acting, but I can’t apologize to you for going out and fighting… I know why I do it, and it’s not rational, and it’s stupid but I do it anyway and it’s not for you. It’s for me. I get it, I’m a selfish jerk, and I have been progressively becoming more of the selfish jerk and less of the guy you used to know.” He shifted a bit nervously. “I don’t expect to have some big cinematic scene where I run in and tell you how much I love you and how stupid I’ve been for acting like such a horse rear with my head just as far up mine as it could go… I have too much ‘pride’ for that.” He spoke randomly. “That’s not even what I wanted to say... Look I didn’t write this down. I’m trying; please don’t shut the door yet.” Alex just rolled her eyes and glared at him.

“You’re letting in a draft… hurry up.” She said almost as cold as the wind outside.

“No matter how icy blue your eyes may be, Alex, being cold hearted doesn’t suit you.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I’m sorry I bothered, I’m sorry, I admitted it, I’ve changed… and I’ve been terrible ever since I did change… shut the door at your own discre-” that’s when the door was slammed in his face. “I expected that.” He sighed and just nodded. “I’ll go now.” He turned on his heel and started off. “The whinying stops, I admit my problems, and now she’s going to stay mad at me… okay, I do deserve this.” He nodded keeping it very logical and very even in his mind. He wasn’t going to go off the deep end like he very well could have at this moment. He wasn’t going to go run off and pick a fight just because he got angry with her. In fact, he wasn’t even going to let this pass his mind again. He wasn’t going to stop trying to be with her, but he wasn’t going to be the pleading, begging lover boy… it seemed that they needed to transition back into what they used to be when they were… human… well not quite like that. There were things that he couldn’t change about being a winged warrior- for example, eventually; he would have to rejoin the war effort. In the mean time, there must have been something to do at home- something productive- that would help someone. He did still have his hero complex. Perhaps, after Christmas, he could volunteer at different shelters. No one volunteered after Christmas- it was always the holidays and then the volunteers ran short at least, that’s what Rain always said. He wasn’t sure though.

“River,” He stopped and looked back. Alex was standing in her coat. “I’m not going to let this be easy for you. I’m not going to give up, but things are going to change again.”

“I wouldn’t expect any less of you.” He smiled just a bit, with his signature Musha crooked smile. “So you forgive me then?” he asked unsure of where exactly she stood on that. Her response- well- he probably should have expected it…

“Hell NO!” She replied sharply. “I’ll admit I’ve been whiny, but you had no right to say what you said to me- okay neither of us did.” She corrected herself when she saw his eyebrow cock upward almost as if he was about to spike back this curve ball once it went up. “Don’t even try it, Musha.”

“Been a long time since you called me just ‘Musha’,” He chuckled a little bit, looking to his feet and shifting them a bit before glancing back up at her with his ever charming smile on. “You know it would be just like us to fight about a fight that we’ve already had.”

“Only you would say something like that.” She rolled he eyes and shook her head.

“I know… but that’s why you love me right?” River asked hopefully. She just smiled at him, but did not indicate yes or no. “uh.. Alex?” He looked a bit frightened by that, but not in anymore than a little caught off guard stint.

“I see you later, River.” She said as she turned her back to him triumphantly. He’d just created the bane of his own existence- he’d given her new leverage over him. She started to walk back toward her house still not saying a word.

“Uh… but you do love me right?”

“Good-bye River,”

“o.. okay.. I love you, Alex.”

“Good-bye,” She smiled at him as she turned in the door way to shut the door.

“Good-bye…” his voice trailed off at the end, as his face looked like someone had just hit him with something comical, like a rubber chicken or something of that nature. He frowned as his mind started to toy with the idea that he’d messed up enough for her to really not love him which was why she wouldn’t tell him. Then it toyed with her play with him- and then his frown faded into an easy smile…

The Alex Oceana that he fell in love with was back.