Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ Thoughtful Misconceptions ❯ Closed Door ( Chapter 1 )

Erin leaned back, pulling her black hair into a ponytail, resting her hands behind her head. The bright October sun felt good, warming her face. She felt content for once, her homework spread out in front of her mostly complete.

A low growl of frustration interrupted her meditation. She opened one eye, smirking at the offender. “What's your issue?”

Ian looked up from his textbook. “This freaking assignment.” He grounded out through clenched teeth.

Erin leaned forward looking over the problem. She pointed to Ian's sloppy handwriting. “X equals 10.”

Ian met her eyes with an angry glare. “Oh, yeah?”

Erin smiled back. “Yeah.”

Ian stared at it for a minute and then growled again, taking his frustration out with his eraser. “All right, I can obviously see that now.” He was dangerously close to ripping through the notebook paper. “You don't have to be so smug about it.”

Erin laughed. “What? You're smug about everything you're better than me at.”

He slammed his book shut, throwing it in his backpack dramatically. “That's different. It seems bitchy when you do it.”

“Yeah and it makes you seem like an ass.” Erin threw back at him. Ian just stared at her, nonplussed. “You could let me help you.”

Ian snorted.

“I would help you. Seriously.”

Ian stared at her distrustfully, “Really?”

“I mean, it's been like four years since I've take Algebra but I'm sure I can remember most of it.” She said, trying to hide her smile.

“Wench.” Ian said under his breath as stomped away toward the river. She stayed sitting on the park bench not wanting to antagonize him further. His comment was a little asinine but she knew he was mostly kidding. She sighed as she watched him throw rocks into the river.

Ian's frustration came from the fact that he really wanted to excel at school and he still struggled with some things. He was smart. Erin wasn't often friends with people who weren't but he wasn't exceptional. It didn't bother her at all, obviously, but Ian worked so hard and often the things he struggled with were the things that came naturally to Erin. He was stubborn and athletic, which meant his goal of wanting to be physical trainer made a lot of sense for him but Erin just innately understood that he also wanted to be the guy who was good at math or someone who could write well. It wasn't a natural skill and much of his good grades in high school were based more on Erin's help than his actual skills.

Erin watched Ian thinking of how silly it was that he cared about something so much that meant very little to her. In so many ways, college was just a way to pass the time. She had taken a few years off and realized pretty quickly that if she ever wanted to make above minimum wage, she had to have a piece of paper stating so. So she went.

Ian grew bored of skipping rocks pretty quickly and sat at the rivers edge, slipping his shoes off and sticking his feet in the water. Erin smiled. He was such a nature baby. He rarely kept his shoes on longer than he had to. A couple of girls took up the tables near where Erin sat. She recognized a few of them from high school but they were likely a few years behind and she didn't know any of their names. They were watching Ian closely with giggles and nudges to each other. Erin was sure they knew who he was. In high school, Ian was not exactly a jock but he was involved in sports. You couldn't call him a jock because he never hung out with them beyond what normal sports participation required but everyone knew him. He was a natural athlete and good looking but he tended to spend all his time with the weird theatre girl which made him kind of weird. Erin grinned to herself, thinking about how she likely was the one who ruined Ian's reputation and figured that Ian didn't mind.

Eventually, a pretty brunette separated from the group and said something to Ian that Erin couldn't hear. He shrugged at her. She said something back still smiling. Ian turned and answered her, indicating to Erin sitting on the park bench. The girl glanced at Erin and walked away, still smiling but looking a little hurt. She was greeted with squeals and laughter when she went back to her own picnic table.

Erin smiled and waved at the group of girls. No one waved back and Erin laughed to herself. Ian and her were not a couple. Everyone thought they were, partly because Ian was too nice to tell that girl he wasn't interested and used their relationship as a buffer. They had been friends since they were very young children. Her life revolved around Ian in so many ways so people just assumed. It never really bothered her. She had no interest in having any other relationship.

“Hey, Erin,” Came a voice from behind her. She smiled at the culprit and patted the park bench next to her.

“Hey, Marcus.”

Marcus sat next to her setting his lunch down. “Where's Ian?”

Erin indicated toward the water carelessly. “Pouting down by the water somewhere.”

Marcus laughed out loud. “Were you being mean again?”

Erin clutched her hands in mock innocence. “What do you mean `again'?” She shrugged. “Ok, maybe a little.”

Marcus unwrapped his sandwich, shrugging as well. “Yeah, well, sometimes he deserves it.”

“Maybe.” She reached out, grabbing a cucumber that had fallen out of Marcus's sandwich and into the wrapper. “What are you doing here anyway?”

He tried to knock her hand away. “Pure coincidence actually. I wanted to enjoy the sunshine and thought I'd eat lunch here instead of cooped up in my house.”

Erin raised an eyebrow, disbelievingly. “And there's no way it could be because a pretty girl we both know tends to have her lunch in the park on Saturdays.” She said sarcastically, triumphantly eating the cucumber.

Marcus had the good grace to blush. “No, of course not.”

“Uh huh.”

“Really.”

Marcus frowned. “Erin, give me more credit than that. If I had a thing for said pretty girl, you know I would just ask her out.” He took another bite of his sandwich. “I go out with plenty of girls.”

Erin tried to reach for another rogue vegetable but Marcus knocked her hand away. “Or you are afraid that she will turn you down.”

“Girls don't turn me down.” Marcus answered grinning.

Ian laughed derisively as he joined them on the park bench. Ian made a grab for Marcus's chips. “Sabrina's just smarter and prettier than those other girls so you're afraid she'll see right through your `I pretend to be cool' exterior.”

Marcus grabbed his chips back. “All right, guys, seriously! Stop eating my food.” He stood and moved to another picnic table. “And stop commenting on my love life.”

“Or lack thereof.” Ian remarked dryly.

Erin laughed. “Awe, did we hurt the baby's feelings?”

Marcus took a big bite of his sandwich. “Shut up.” He said through his full mouth.

Erin shook her head, still chuckling. “So are you going to audition for that musical with me?” She asked Marcus.

Marcus nodded, finally swallowing his large bite. “I think so. I haven't been in a play in a while but high school choir wasn't that long ago.”

Being that it was almost 5 years ago; it did feel like a long time. “Longer than you think.” So many of her former classmates were getting married and having kids and Erin was still lazily going to school unsure of what she really wanted to do when she `grew up'. Time was getting away from her. “Either way though, it's community theatre. I think you'll be just fine.”

Ian leaned against Erin subtly as if sensing her momentary melancholy. “Either way, you guys have fun and I will be sitting on my balcony that night drinking a beer.”

“You mean `our balcony'. And you better clean up after yourself. I'm tired of coming home to towers of beer cans and ashtrays filled to the brim.”

Ian snorted. “The ashtrays aren't me.”

“I know they're not but you still invite the chain smoking neighbor down and neither of you throw away those disgusting trays.” Erin said, voice rising.

“You know you're awfully judgmental for someone who used to smoke.” Ian said peevishly.

Erin growled in frustration, pulling a lock of Ian's hair. “I'm not being judgmental, ass. The balcony is where I relax in the morning and when I have to navigate through the leaning towers of PBR and smell the remnants of last night's cigarettes, it makes me want to go into your room and make you eat the ash tray.” Her voice getting louder with every word. “You know I can't handle work when I don't get my quiet time.”

“All right, all right, calm down and quit being a drama queen.” Ian answered extracting his long hair from Erin's tight grip. Ian glanced at his cell phone. “Eh, I have to go anyway.”

“Where do you have to be?” Marcus asked.

“None of your business.” Ian answered immediately.

“It's just a question.”

“Yeah, and that's my answer.”

Marcus rolled his eyes. “Fine. Be secretive.”

Ian ruffled Erin's hair affectionately. “When are you going to be home tonight?”

Erin shrugged. “Probably before you. After this, I'm headed to my mom's and then I'll be home.”

“K.” Ian said heading to his car. “Bye, Marcus.” He opened his door and then turned back to add, “Sorry, Marcus, looks like Sabrina didn't show.” He yelled laughing.

Erin cackled when Marcus's face turned red. “Oh, Marcus. You're all grown up and you still don't have the guts to ask out a girl.”

Marcus sighed. “Says the girl who doesn't talk about her feelings to anyone, including the person she has them for.”

“Please, everyone knows my feelings. I don't keep much to myself.”

Marcus barked out a laugh. “That's only true if you don't like the person. You're kind of a bitch.”

“True.” Erin shrugged. She'd heard it before.

“But what about Ian? I'm assuming you haven't told him how you feel about him?”

Erin paused, mulling over Marcus's insinuation. Marcus was making the assumption that she was in love with Ian and was afraid to tell him because to be honest, Ian wasn't exactly the best at describing his feelings either. His attempts at comfort were gruff but genuine and few and far between. They had a past. They had an unrelenting loyalty to each other. They even lived together. They shared everything but they had only ever been best friends. “Why do you think you're the expert on how I feel about him?”

Marcus looked at her surprised. “I guess I just thought after what happened, things would change between you guys and then when it didn't, I guess I thought it was because one of you refused to talk about it.”

“Neither of us refused.” Erin shrugged. “It just never got brought up again.”

“How the hell is that possible?”

“I don't know. It was after everything happened with Heather and he was so open and so needy. It just happened and the next day, I got up and made breakfast and we talked about his break up.” She sighed. It sounded so simple. In some ways it was. It was easy to wake up next to Ian. It wasn't out of the ordinary for them to sleep next to each other; occasionally falling asleep in each other's rooms. It was another matter to wake up with the memory of intimacy still spinning through her brain. She almost panicked a little when she woke feeling more of Ian's skin than she ever had. She had slipped out of bed right away, grabbing her tank top and shorts to slip on but also grabbing a robe she rarely wore. There was something about having shared what they had that made her feel more vulnerable. She didn't want to feel vulnerable. And something about seeing Ian for the first time since he fell asleep next to her holding her like a life line that made her feel like she needed a shield.

“And you never talked about it?” Marcus asked disbelieving. “And it's never happened again?”

Erin frowned. “Not sure that's any of your business.”

Marcus crossed his arms, “Seriously?”

Erin smiled a little. “No, it hasn't.” She looked down, not meeting Marcus's eyes. “I'm not sure it should have in the first place.”

“Is Erin having regrets?” Marcus asked a little mockingly.

Erin met his eyes defiantly, “No.” She didn't think she regretted it. She loved Ian. It was just really hard to open up to a man the way that she did. Even if that man was the one person she trusted more than anything in the world. He would never do anything to purposefully hurt her but she still had this feeling that she gave too much of herself away. Like there wasn't a way for her to ever get it back, no matter how badly she wanted it.

Marcus reached forward and squeezed her hand. “I'm not here to judge, Erin.”

“Pssh, like you could.” She said teasingly. “If anyone here should be regretting some of their relationship choices, it should probably be you.”

Marcus looked at her in mock hurt. “Hardly. At least I don't live with any of my past discretions.”

Erin laughed and lightly punched his shoulders. “So what's with you and Sabrina anyway?”

“Changing the subject?”

“Maybe.” She laughed.

“You guys are so mean to me. If I really wanted to ask Sabrina out, I would.”

“So why don't you?” Erin asked, piling her books into her bag.

“Why don't you what?” A soft voice asked, interrupting their conversation.

Erin grinned, “Yeah, Marcus, why don't you explain to Sabrina what we were just talking about.”

Marcus almost blushed. “Nothing.”

“No, seriously.” Sabrina said joining them on the park bench with a smile.

Marcus paused for a moment. “Erin wants me to audition for that play and I wasn't sure if I really wanted to.”

Sabrina looked genuinely concerned. “Oh, you should. It'll be so fun for you guys to do together.”

Erin mouthed the word `Coward' to Marcus behind Sabrina's back and Marcus just grinned at her. Erin picked up her backpack slinging it around her shoulders. “I'm out of here you guys. My mom is making dinner and I promised I'd be there early to hang out with her.” Erin saluted a goodbye and headed toward the parking lot.

Erin just could not understand the shyness that Marcus portrayed around Sabrina. He flirted with a lot of girls but he actually seemed to like her. Erin still hadn't completely nailed down why he hadn't actually asked her out. He's never hesitated to ask a woman out.

Erin pulled into her mom's driveway. On her way, she had stopped by a convenience store to grab a bottle of wine to bring to her mom's. Her mom usually had a bottle or two stashed but it was always good to be prepared. The yard was exactly the same as it was 15 years ago when she would spend the morning sitting on the front porch struggling to write the best poetry a ten year old girl could write. Her mom had already put her Halloween decorations up and it was only the first day of the month.

She let herself in the unlocked door, smelling the pungent scent of Thai food. Her mom's house had changed over the years but it still seemed almost the same. It was amazing how homesick she suddenly felt when the familiar warmth of her childhood home engulfed her. “I'm home.” She yelled toward the kitchen direction, assuming that's where her mother was hanging out.

“Hi, Sissy.” Her mom said, taking the wine from her and giving her a one handed hug. Her mom was pretty and still young looking. They looked alike especially in coloring. Her mother's skin was a little bit darker but they both had the same jet black hair. “Food is almost ready.”

“Good, I'm starving.” She sat at the breakfast bar. “I kept trying to steal Marcus's food and he was getting mad about it for some reason.”

Her mom chuckled. “I would assume so. So how's everybody doing? Catch me up.”

Erin smiled. Her mom loved keeping up with the latest news. She didn't realize how much she missed her mom until she saw her again. “Well, Marcus started his teaching job this year and I think he's enjoying himself. Sabrina just started her last year of college and is obviously doing well.” She ticked her friends off on her fingers. “And Ian, I think, is finally starting to act like a human being again since his break up with Heather.” She paused. “Oh, and Marcus is trying out for the musical with me.”

“Oh, good. He's always been so talented.” Her mom commented being overly fond of Marcus' charms. Erin resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Her mom sighed pouring two glasses of wine. “Poor Ian. He was really in love with that Heather girl, wasn't he?”

Erin shrugged, uncomfortable. “I guess.” She had a hard time articulating why she didn't like to talk about Heather. She supposed that part of it was jealously. Ian had fallen really hard for Heather and whether her and Ian's feelings were platonic or not, she had felt really neglected when they had met. She still hadn't reconciled all her feelings about it.

~*~*~*~***~*~*~

She left her mom's a few hours later feeling a little buzzed but really good. Spending time with her mom always left her feeling recharged. Since she didn't have many close friends and even less close female friends, there was something about getting some one on one girl time that made her feel better.

She slipped into her still dark apartment, carrying the second bottle of wine that she had picked up just in case. Pouring herself another glass, she changed into comfortable sweats and plopped down in front of the TV. She found a rerun and decided to watch that, not think, and drink her wine.

It had been a weird day. Her thoughts were on Ian more than once and she couldn't shake her thoughts about it. Marcus's assumption about her love for Ian really threw her for a loop. It was so hard for her to be intimate with anyone, including the one person in her life she trusted most.

Ian came stomping in, interrupting her thoughts. He smelled like beer as soon as he came in. Erin became a little guarded. It wasn't like Ian didn't drink but he tended to be cheap and drink at home with her. It was weird for him to come home after drinking somewhere else.

“Hey, Ian.” She said from the living room since he was still stomping around the kitchen. She heard the tell tale sound of a beer cap being popped off a glass bottle. He stomped in, glancing at her, nodding, and then sitting down on the couch next to her.

“Want to talk about it?” Erin asked.

“No.” Ian snapped.

Erin shrugged. “Ok.”

He glanced at her before turning back to the TV. “I ran into Heather today.” He said without a lot of emotion.

“Did you?” Erin asked, also without emotion not wanting to rile Ian.

“Yeah.”

“Did you talk to her?”

“For a while, yeah.” Ian said almost sheepishly.

Erin felt her temper flare. “Are you kidding me?” She turned to him fully but he wouldn't meet her eye. “What the hell did you two have to talk about?”

Ian met her glare. “Just stuff. Why does it matter to you?”

“Why does it matter to me?” She asked incredulously. “Why does it matter to me?”

Ian continued to meet her glare.

“It matter to me, you idiot, because I'm the one who picks up the pieces. If you've forgotten that Heather cheated on you then let me remind you that she did. For a long time. How can you even look at her without punching her in her two timing face?”

Ian slammed his beer down. “You think I would forget that?” He stood, striding away from her. “Thank you, Erin, I love when you're in a mood to go for blood. That sort of shit is exactly what I want to hear from you right now.” He picked his beer back up, taking a large gulp. “I came home to be with you but apparently you're in judgmental bitch mode and I don't feel like dealing with it tonight.” With that Ian stomped away from her, slamming his bedroom door shut.

Erin stared after him. Her usual reaction would have been to follow after him in anger, turning a spat into a volatile argument. She just fell so tired. They hadn't really fought since they had slept together a few months ago. She felt like they were walking on eggshells with each other in some ways. And tonight, she could have just reached out to him and talked to him. Instead she got angry and defensive, and pushed him away. She sighed. She didn't like this. Something didn't feel right and she missed her best friend. He'd been so different since he broke up with Heather and it made her so angry that someone was able to affect him that much.

She sighed and stood up, knocking gently on his door. “Ian?”

“What?” Came a muffled, angry voice.

“Can I come in?”

She heard Ian sigh loudly. “Fine but don't come in here just to berate me. I'm not interested in listening to it.”

She came in and sat on the bed next to him. “I'm sorry.”

Ian looked at her surprised. “Did you just apologize to me?”

Erin smiled a little. “Yes.” She reached out and touched his long hair. “I don't want to fight with you. I'm finally starting to feel like we are getting back to normal and I don't want to rock the boat.”

Ian turned so his head was in her lap and she could play with his hair easily. “We've always been normal. It's everyone else who's messed up.”

Erin chuckled at that, brushing his soft hair away from his face. “Ever since you and Heather broke up, I feel like you've been distant from me.” She paused. It was almost causing her physical pain to admit how insecure she was feeling about Ian. “I've been wondering if it's because of what happened. That you regretted it and that's why you've been pulling away from me.”

Ian grabbed her hand tightly, stopping her ministrations. He met her eyes, his gaze intense and very blue. “How can you say that?”

Erin shrugged again. She didn't trust herself to speak. She hated feeling so unsure.

“Erin,” He said sitting up still staring into her eyes. “Whatever thoughts you may have about there being regrets, they need to stop right now. I have never ever regretted anything in my life that you are a part of.” He reached out and brushed her hair out of her face, an oddly gentle and reassuring gesture. “Have you really been feeling that way?”

Erin leaned back a little, subtly so Ian wouldn't notice that she was out of his reach. “I'm not really sure how I was feeling. I didn't say anything because I wasn't even sure what I was thinking about it.”

Ian stared at her looking a little hurt. He had noticed her pull back, as if she didn't trust him. “Please don't ever think that. Ever. You are my best friend. You are the person that I look to for everything. Don't ever doubt that.”

Erin smiled, letting herself believe him. There was still a little part of her that was a little mistrustful of him. She had been really hurt when Heather had come into the picture. It didn't last forever but it still hurt. But she could either believe that he really meant what he said or she would have to assume her best friend was a liar. And she wanted to believe him.

“It's all right.” She said a bit more cheerfully, not wanting to continue the discussion. She could talk to Ian about anything except for this. He would never understand how she felt, no matter how much he wanted to. “Do you want to talk about Heather?”

Ian eyed her warily, not sure if she really was fine or just wanted to evade talking about sex. It wasn't that she was a prude but she closed him off the few times he tried to bring it up, albeit he didn't bring it up well. He didn't know how to communicate what he wanted to say, what he felt any better. “I don't know. It was weird. I felt like I should still have feelings for her or at least be angry with her. And in some ways I was. But in other ways, I felt like I just didn't care what she had to say.” He paused, allowing Erin to scoot closer, leaning her shoulder against his. “She's still with that guy she cheated on me with. And I'm sort of angry but sort of sad. So I went and drank beer until it turned into drunkenness and took a cab home.”

Erin nodded.

“I feel like there should be some great epiphany but it was just frustrating.”

“Maybe you're just finally getting over her.” Erin says, taking the last sip of wine. “It's all right for you to do that.”

“Eh, you know how much I like grudges.”

She laughed. “I do know.” She stood up with her wine glass, “Want another beer?” Ian nodded, looking thoughtful. She went to the kitchen to refill her Cabernet and to grab Ian a beer from the fridge. As she shut the fridge door, she jumped. Ian stood really close to her, looking at her intently again. The same brilliant stare he had when he was trying to convince her that he would never use her. “Ian, what are you…”

He interrupted her by kissing her on the mouth gently. He pulled back and she looked back at him surprised. He smiled a little self consciously but leaned forward again, kissing her deeper. She sighed into him, melding into his arms. His mouth was gentle but demanding and she allowed herself to give into it. She wrapped her arms around his neck, moving her body as close to his as possible and he responded with a sound that was almost a groan and pushed her against the fridge.

She didn't think and just allowed herself to be lost in Ian's kiss. She had never really kissed him like this before. It felt good. He grabbed her legs picking her up against him, stilling kissing her and carried her to his bed. Releasing her mouth only to set her down and move on top of her as aggressively as he had been when pushed her against the fridge. He moved his hand slowly up her stomach, slipping below her loose fitting shirt causing goose bumps to form and making her shiver.

“Ian,” She said softly, barely above a whisper touching his hand through her shirt.

He paused, his lips on her collar bone, not saying anything. She sighed knowing with his silence, he was listening. “I'm not sure if I'm there.” She said shakily. She couldn't tell if she was shaking because she was worried about his reaction or if she was terrified of her own need.

He met her eyes again. They were such a beautiful light blue. “It's all right.” He said gently. He rolled off of her coming to his side and resting his head on his right arm. He faced her squarely. “Can we talk about it?”

Erin felt her chest tighten at the thought. “No, I'd rather not.”

Ian looked frustrated with her. “All that and you don't want to talk about it?”

She shook her head. “Can we just leave things where they are right now?” She sounded timid to her own ears. “I just need some time, ok?”

Ian nodded. “Would you stay in here with me tonight?”

Erin smiled finally. “Yes, I can do that.” She lay down next to Ian, still feeling shaky. She was so confused. Part of her had this need for Ian. When he had lain on top of her, she remembered that night they spent together. It was so real and so safe. There was a purely primal part of her that craved his touch and the feel of him but at the same time, there was a part of her that was terrified of it. She closed her eyes tightly. She just needed time to sort out what she wanted. She knew physically that she would love to be with Ian again but something in her head tried to shut down he had reached his hands under her shirt. She had felt the same way the first time but Ian's need for her had been so much stronger than her fear of him.

Ian watched her sleeping form, her back to him. He reached out and played with a strand of her silky black hair. She was keeping something from him. When he was with Heather, she had acted differently but at the time, he pegged it to her being jealous of Heather. Now he wasn't so sure. That night they slept together, it had almost been like she cracked open a darkened doorway for him to peek in but now she has shut that door firmly determined to keep him out.