Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ Tough Old Birds ❯ Not Gregory! ( Chapter 1 )

Chapter 1: “Not Gregory!”

 

 

 

A tall, gangly, elderly woman was bent over a jar of blackberry preserves with mute fascination. She picked up the jar and cradled it like a newborn infant, stroking the label and cooing softly. She looked up searchingly.

"Chinny? Chinny!" Her thick round glasses slid down her nose as she hollered.

A very short, boxy, oriental woman wearing a patterned bathrobe and an olive-green peacoat bustled out of the adjoining aisle, pushing her metal grocery carriage like a war vehicle. She couldn't see over the handlebar of the carriage, and she was forced to peer through the caging. She squinted her already slit-like black eyes and patted her silver hair self-consciously, looking at her taller companion expectantly.

"What in the name of hell is the matter now?" She demanded.

"Chinny, can we buy this jam? It's real lovely."

"No. Put it back, we already have jam."

"Is it blackberry? 'Cause this one is blackberry, see?"

"Gilligan, if you don't put that jam back this instant, I'll box your ears so hard you won't know what hit you."

"But you can't reach my ears, Chinny."

The shorter woman's face screwed up in fury, and her eyes disappeared entirely among wrinkles. She squared her shoulders like a boxing champion, and turned up her nose, revealing dark, fiery eyes.

"Gilligan, how many times do I have to say this? My name is not Chinny, you simpering fool, it is Chi-Chi. Do you understand?"

Gilligan took no notice of the Chi-Chi's obvious seething, and smiled adoringly at the jam. She looked back up at Chi-Chi with a whimper, her lower lip trembling slightly.

"Chinny, can we please get this jam? It's so lonely, I think it needs me!"

Chi-Chi looked positively savage with anger, but she had an undeniable soft spot for the younger woman. She pursed her lips in hesitation, peering around the aisle for something less expensive to spark Gilligan's interest with. Finding nothing, she gave a dramatic sigh.

"Oh for Christ's sake, just put it in the cart."

Gilligan flashed a blinding white smile and trotted over to the grocery carriage, tenderly placing the jam in the bottom and tucking it behind a roll of paper towels so it wouldn't roll. Chi-Chi, as a way of restoring her dignity, reapplied her bright fuchsia lipstick, puckering like a goldfish and smacking her lips together in front of a tiny yellow pocket mirror; making sure to take her time. Satisfied, she turned to a patiently waiting Gilligan and gave a terse nod.

 

They paid for their items and left the grocery store, Chi-Chi storming ahead in blinding red penny loafers and Gilligan dutifully being up the rear, bags in hand.

 

Later that same day, Gilligan had been sitting on the carpet, reading “Stellaluna” and sniffling quietly, when Chi-Chi came trudging into the room with a disconcerted expression.

 

“Get up, we're going for a walk.”

 

Gilligan looked up with glistening eyes and gave a thunderous sniffle.

 

“Can't I finish Stellaluna? It's at the saddest part, Chinny! You shan't make me put it down now!”

 

“Put the damn book down, Gilligan, you've read it a hundred times. We're going for a walk. Now. I need the fresh air.” And a cigarette.

 

Gilligan gave one last pleading look, cast around for her Kleenex box, and stood slowly. She wiped her eyes, and when she looked up again, you would never know she had been sad. Suddenly, she smiled brightly and her eyes took on the sparkle of a mad woman.

 

“Chinny, can we bring the wagon?” She cried. “Can we bring Gregory? Can we, can we, please! Oh, we must bring Gregory! He'll be so lonesome otherwise!”

 

Chi-Chi looked nauseous for a moment, then snorted humorlessly and walked away.

 

At the park, one could really appreciate the lovely Thursday they were having. It's interesting, really, because Thursdays are very rarely lovely. Some people might say that Thursday is the worse day, see how it rhymes? It makes perfect sense. Everyone knows that Thursday is the worse day.

 

Au contraire, this particular Thursday was sunny and warm, an afternoon right out of the Hundred Acre Wood. There were no sounds but the sounds of nature: songbirds chattering and twittering away in the trees, a breeze rippling through the shrubbery, the quarrels of two voles in the grass.

 

A shrill holler instantly destroyed the peace.

 

“Gilligan, get back here, damn you!”

 

Anyone strolling through Warrington Park on a rather pleasant Thursday afternoon in the small city of Mayfair would be having serious reservations about Thursday. A tall, lanky older woman with glasses dressed in an outlandish velvet dress was sprinting merrily down the sidewalk, dragging a shiny red Radio Flyer wagon behind her, and laughing hysterically. Inside her wagon a yellow stuffed elephant sat propped up in a fleece blanket, bouncing dangerously as the wagon sped along. Not far behind, a much older, shorter Asian woman wearing a sky-blue bathrobe and a pair of enormous Magnum boots was in hot pursuit, and screaming ferociously as she stumbled along.

 

“Gilligan Valerie Ross! Come back here with that stupid wagon, this instant!” Chi-Chi bellowed. “I'm warning you, you cretin! I'll make you pay for next month's rent!”

 

“Shan't!” Gilligan twittered over her shoulder, still racing down the pathway. She smiled contently at the thought of her good friend Gregory, having such a thrill riding in her red wagon. He must be having a lovely time! They must have gone half a mile down through the park, she thought pleasantly. And now that she realized it, she was completely out of breath, and despite her childish personality, she wasn't young anymore. Slowing to a springy trot and then a stop, she pulled her wagon towards a wooden park bench and promptly collapsed, taking noisy gulps of air. She regained her breath quickly, and peered down the parkway to check Chi-Chi's progress. She looked positively ill from running so far, and her generous belly heaved up and down under her bathrobe as she jogged towards Gilligan; a ghastly expression on her beet-red face. She still had a ways to come, so Gilligan relaxed on her bench.

 

Suddenly, she was hit with a rush of guilt; she hadn't even checked on Gregory! He may have been frightened from the excitement of wagon riding! Maybe the blanket had blown over his eyes! She gave a quick glance down at her wagon, and gasped at the lumpy blanket inside. He was wrapped up like a dumpling! She tenderly pulled back a fold of fleece to untuck him, and nearly choked in horror at what she saw. The “dumpling” was Gregory's pink cushion. Gregory was gone!

 

Chi-Chi was slowing rapidly as she jogged down the parkway. Her forehead glistened with sweat, and her painful, ragged breaths were loud enough that they had a picnicking couple looking up in alarm. Her thighs felt like they were on fire, and her knees were starting to shake. Damn arthritis, she thought angrily. In desperation, she made a final lunge towards a young oak close to the path, leaning heavily on the tree and trying to calm her heaving chest.

 

Five minutes later, Chi-Chi's breathing had steadied to a semi-normal rate, and she stood up to go fetch Gilligan. Her legs were aching from her short run, and she was so stiff she worried that she might fall over trying to walk. Carefully extending a leg, she took a shaky step and nearly collapsed. Perhaps she should rest awhile longer? But Gilligan couldn't be left unsupervised! Who knows what kind of nastiness she would get herself into! Suddenly, all thoughts were cut off as a high-pitched wail penetrated the surrounding undergrowth. Oh shit. Gilligan, you idiot.

 

Poor Gilligan was in a state of devastation, and the stares of bewildered passerby didn't faze her the slightest. She sat on the park bench, clutching Gregory's bedding like a lifeline and emitting beastly howls. Fat tears slid down her cheeks as her wails grew louder and louder. Some of the frightened park-goers softened and looked sympathetic.

Chi-Chi quickly jogged over in record time, noticeably wincing from her aching muscles. In her usual crass manner, she attempted to console Gilligan between gasps for air.

 

“What… the hell is the matter with you?” She demanded of the bawling woman. Her voice was not as coarse as usual, for her words came out in a forced huff.

 

Gilligan only sobbed louder. Chi-Chi spent a minute regaining her breath before trying again.

 

“Gilligan, tell me what happened. Now.”

 

Gilligan calmed slightly, her piteous wails quieting to sniffles. Whimpering, she took a deep breath, blew her nose into a horrified Chi-Chi's sleeve, and let loose a garbled slew of squeaky words. Chi-Chi's worry had faded behind fury. Seething, she slowly, deliberately wiped Gilligan's snot off of her downy purple bathrobe, cleansing her fingers on a man who roller bladed by. He turned around with a questioning look. Chi-Chi ignored him entirely.

 

“What. The. Hell. Happened.” She snarled at Gilligan.

 

“Greg_Gregory… Chinny, h-he's gone!” Gilligan cried brokenly. Her vision began to blur with fresh tears.

 

Chi-Chi was livid, and couldn't help but wonder why Gregory had to go missing today, of all days. She had run out of cigarettes just this morning. Couldn't this have waited until I could get down to the White Hen? With practiced control of her emotions, she took a breath and lowered her voice to a deep growl.

 

“Gregory. Gregory…is gone.”

 

“Oh Chinny, it's awful! What will we do?”

 

“We'll… we'll buy you a new one. I'll take you to Fisher-Price tomorrow and we'll get a nice new Gregory. How does that sound?” Chi-Chi nearly choked on the trembling fake smile gracing her twisted features.

 

She knew it wasn't convincing; my God, she hadn't smiled in years, but she did not expect Gilligan to start crying again.

 

“Oh Chinny! We must get him back! We just must!” She blubbered.

 

“You're on your own, Gilligan. I'm not going anywhere. I'm tired, and hungry, and I'm going back to the apartment.”

 

“No! No! Chinny, don't leave me! Come back, Chinny! No no! Don't lee-ee-ea_” Gilligan's plea turned into wailing, and she threw herself onto the park bench in despair as Chi-Chi stalked off down Maple St., a troubled frown on her wrinkled face.

 

Gilligan stepped out confidently to meet the brisk new day; her flower-print dress and red scarf fluttering in the morning breeze. Behind her she toted her much-adored red wagon with a few necessities for the journey: a sweater, a pack of Disney themed playing cards, instant Ramen, deodorant, a box of chocolate-marshmallow Snack Packs, a fleece blanket sporting an image of Pikachu, a bag of lettuce, and a plastic parakeet that chirped three different phrases. She had put her fear behind her, and she was ready to face the world as she stepped out of the apartment building on 103 Chestnut Ave. She didn't need Chi-Chi anyways! Who wanted a grouch like that hanging about? Things had been tensely silent in the apartment, and it was good to be outside. With a toss of her silvery hair, she set out down the avenue with her wagon.

 

Back inside their apartment, Chi-Chi was in a terrifying rage. The idiot! She'll be mugged, or worse! She thinks she can go out into London with some Snack Packs and make it through the city? Who goes through this much toiling for some stupid toy, anyways?

 

Chi-Chi sighed grumpily. A child, that's who. She frowned uneasily. I suppose I'll have to go after her. She ate a quick breakfast of cold rice and pickles; grumbling throughout, packed a small bag, and; after carefully locking the apartment, stepped out into the warm London streets two hours behind Gilligan.

 

Gilligan was exhausted. It was evening, and she had made no progress. Wandering through the streets of London, she had asked dozens of shopkeepers, passerby, and children the same question.

 

“Have you seen my Gregory?” She would plead. “He's about this tall, and he's oh so soft and yellow! He's an elephant, with little blue buttons for eyes. Have you seen him? Have you seen Gregory?”

 

But she would always receive the same look of puzzlement and a sympathetic “No, I haven't.”

 

And now, seven tiring hours later, she all but collapsed in one of the brown leather booths of a small café. She looked over the minimalist menu and realized she didn't have any money. Gilligan sniffled with frustration and pulled out a Snack Pack. She took a plastic spoon from the condiments counter in the café and made quick work of the creamy chocolate dessert. She easily downed another three, and was about to doze off when the cashier; a short man with wiry brown hair, tapped her on the shoulder. He looked ferocious, but with a semblance of calm he politely asked her to leave the café.

 

Gilligan looked up blearily and sniffled again. She was about to protest when the French doors of the café swung open and hit the adjacent walls with a resounding bang. Chi-Chi, in all of her angsty, wrinkly glory stepped into the little bistro with fire in her pinprick eyes. An angry tiger would have cowered at the sight.

 

“GILLIGAN!” She roared. “Where have you been, you idiot! I've been looking all over London for you! You irresponsible, incorrigible, revoltingly stupid little_”

 

And this description would have continued for quite some time if Gilligan hadn't rushed out of her booth and swept little Chi-Chi into a bone-crushing hug.

 

“Oh Chinny, I've missed you so! I didn't think I'd ever see your lovely face again! Chinny, oh Chinny; my deary, you came after me! You did, you did!” Gilligan gushed happily as she commenced joyfully throttling Chi-Chi.

 

The unfortunate woman in question was currently gaping like a koi fish, as Gilligan had squashed the air out of her lungs; leaving her unable to breath, let alone holler loudly about her situation. The cashier looked at them in horrified bewilderment, and once Gilligan let go, leaving a purple-faced Chi-Chi to recover; he shooed them both from the café, shouting all the way.

 

Out on the street Chi-Chi identified as Crescent, the sun was setting fast and while Gilligan napped in her wagon; nestled under her fleece blanket with a package of ramen for a pillow, Chi-Chi tried to think of somewhere for them to stay the night. They were at least six miles from the apartment, and she knew Gilligan would throw a fit if she called a cab to take them back. With a dejected sigh, Chi-Chi pulled a cigarette from her coat pocket and lit up with shaky fingers. Taking a long, deep drag from her cigarette she instantly felt a whole lot better. Luckily Gilligan wasn't awake to whine about her health, and the tar in her lungs, and all of that other meaningless bull she learned from the pamphlets at the pharmacy. I'm 78 years old, what am I possibly going to miss out on? I'm just speeding up the journey, that's all. My teeth were just as yellow ten years ago anyways.

 

Sucking in long, desperate drags from the cigarette, Chi-Chi grabbed the handle of the red wagon and pulled with all her might; the muscles in her shoulders flexing and straining with the effort. She was slowly trucking Gilligan along. A quarter of an hour later, she sat down heavily on a bench in the park, dropping the wagon handle. Gilligan was still sleeping soundly, her head hanging limply over the side of the Radio Flyer. Chi-Chi took off her eyeglasses and laid them on the fleece blanket beside her. She shifted in discomfort, and then lowered her aching body into a lying position on the wooden bench. I'll just take a kip, that's all. She was asleep within seconds.

 

 

 

 

Author's Note: Hey everyone! This is my first “published” writing and I'm very excited! This is just a fun, children's-esque story with a twist: rather than two young friends out on a journey to find adventure and romance, the protagonists are well into menopause! xD I'm very happy to introduce you to the world of Tough Old Birds. Because that's what they are. And it only gets better from here! Enjoy!

 

~ Estecca <3