Other Fan Fiction / Romance Fan Fiction / Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ The Adventures of Thad Gunter ❯ Activate Porno Waves! ( Chapter 6 )

THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF THAD GUNTER!!!

 

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Chapter 6: Activate Porno Waves!

 

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Isaac Thaddeus “Thad” “Dude” “Mammy” Edgar Howard Samuel Gunter III stepped out of the sliding backdoor of the van. His stuffed to the limit attaché case in his left hand, he turned around and waved at the pack of long-haired hippy environmental terrorist that sat inside.

 

Thad smiled, “Thanks for the ride, Moon Flower.”

 

Several of the doped-out, tie-dye clad would-be revolutionist waved back at their former passenger.

 

Ocean Child spoke, “You fight that evil corporate power, Thad! You do it for true love!”

 

Cow Manure added, “Yeah, don't let the Man keep you from completing your goals. Continue to fight the power, Thad!”

 

Thad politely nodded and waved again, “Oh, I assure you, I will. And good luck on your quest to release those whales back into their natural habitat.”

 

The hippies all shouted and concurred loudly, “Yeah! Free Shamuu! Back to where they belong!”

 

The van rode away down the road, the intro to Cream's “White Room” blurring from their stereo. Thad shook his head, amused, and chuckled.

“Those silly kids. There aren't any whales in Lake Erie.”

 

He dusted the hippy dirt from his pants and turned to the building in front of him. A vague sense of dramatic dread filled Thad from his ears down to his colon. His jaw quivered slightly at the subtly horrifying visage that stood before.

 

That visage was, of course, the Renn-Tech headquarters. The sun loomed behind its ominous form, casting a long shadow down on the ground, blocking out the heat. Faceless drones could be seen wandering behind its tiny windows and a soul-sucking humming noise reverberated in Thad's brain from deep within the building's structure. Odd, considering the software manufacturing front, two large smoke stacks were the building's most distinctive feature. Black smog erupted from them, pullulating the skies with what Thad could only assume was some sort of porno gas.

 

A sign stood before Thad. Its jovial print read,

 

“RENN-TECH: Secretly controlling the world since 1996.” The company motto was written beneath that, “Stay the fuck out of our business.”

 

Thad gulp deeply. His brain sent out a signal to his bladder, preparing it for immediate emptying. He did his best to prevent that. Swallowing his considerable amount of cowardice, Thad stepped forward onto the moon-like coldness of the pathway. Every step forward caused a very strange feeling to rise higher in his being. As if an eldritch evil was emitting from the building itself.

 

So great was this foreboding that Thad's footsteps quickly slowed from a consistent pace to a barely visible crawl. He was barely aware. It was as if a force was holding him back.

 

Three hours passed before Thad reached the door to the Renn-Tech facilities. Gasping, he collapses against the entrance. The woosh his body made upon contact with the ground roused the near-by sleeping security guard.

 

Pushing his cap out of his eyes, the guard looked down at Thad. He scratched the stubbles at his double chin, took a bite out of a near-by pastry, and sipped a bit of coffee, and not exactly in that order, before speaking to the apparently exhausted guy.

 

“What's up, dude?”

 

Thad, unable to lift his face from the freezing concrete, responded weakly to the posed question.

 

“It just took me three hours to get here.”

 

The security guard, his somewhat quizzical nature peaked by this statement, lean down towards Thad without actually leaving his chair.

 

“You mean the trip through the city took three hours?”

 

Thad, still weak, shook his back and forth gradually. “No. The walk from the curb to this door took three hours.”

 

Any interest the security guard had managed to sum up was immediately put to rest by this statement. He followed up this thought with,

 

“Damn. You must be some sort of retard then.”

 

Thad didn't respond.

 

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James Eaalhi knew what was coming as he marched across the company floor towards the building's lobby. As he entered the white-collar trenches, an ominous smile on his face, a quiet jittering noise was audible to his ears. It was this noise that brought a tiny level of sadistic joy to James.

 

There was no such thing as good moral at Renn-Tech. They didn't need moral. Instead of moral, they had terror. It wasn't a paycheck or the satisfaction of a job well done that drove the employees of Renn-Tech. It was the fear that if they didn't do a good job, they'd be eaten. The company didn't fire its employees, it sent them on permanent vacations to “sunny, beach-filled, blue skied areas of undisclosed location.” Nobody ever slacked off or half-assed it, even when nobody was looking. Because somebody was always looking. And even the smallest offense, like accidentally putting the blue papers in the folder with the pink papers or kicking the temperamental copying machine, was punishable by severe psychological torture and/or threat of imminent death. Nobody ever got off easy. The janitor didn't even get off easy. The number of janitors the company had been through over the years was proof of that. Nobody ever worked at Renn-Tech because they wanted to. They were either tricked, trapped, or lost a bet. People weren't hired because of their positive attitudes, people were hired on their likelihood to submit in the face of pure evil.

 

Never was the editing pool more intimidated then when their boss prowled the offices like a blood-thirty panther stalking a gimpy antelope fawn. All light chit-chat and water cooler discussion ceased dramatically. The only sounds that accompanied James Eaalhi's visits were the two sounds that accompanied him now. That sound of nervous employees doing their best to appear not only busy but studious, the sound of nervous typing. And, of course, the sound that made Eaalhi smile. The sound of shivering, panic stricken jittering. The sound of fear. Like any tyrant, it reassured James' belief in his own reign of terror. And that was one of the few things that made his cold heart warm and brought a smile to his usually rigid face.

 

Taking note of this performance, James stopped towards the center of the office complex. He cleared his throat as loudly as humanly possibly. All the nervous typing ended and another sound, the sound of one thousand eyes all peering in the same direction simultaneously, replace it.

 

Leopold Humperdinck, a lowly office drone in Cubicle 147, considered getting up and pouring Mr. Eaalhi a drink of hot joe. But then he remembered that the only thing that made Eaalhi more homicidal then less then excellent workers were kiss-asses. There was a pretty good rerun of “Win Ben Stein's Money” on that night and Leopold didn't feel the need to risk his life that day. However, he still feared that his decision to do nothing upon his boss' entrance into this zone would equally infuriate him. Basically, Leopold Humperdinck continued to fiercely play castanets with his knees, completely indecisive about his course of actions and terrified to do anything but sit there, anxious.

 

Meanwhile, James spoke in his distinct, soulless tone. Everyone's complete, undivided attention lay on him.

 

“Renn-Tech employees, first off, I want to congratulate all of you on your continued excellent performance. Secondly, should you hear screams of agony and or explosions coming from the lobby within the next, oh…”

 

James checked his watch,

 

“…four or five minutes, disregard them. I assure you, there is nothing to be concerned about here at Renn-Tech, ever.”

 

A devilish chuckle slowly crept from his lips to the ears of all present before building to the crescendo of an earth shattering evil baritone that was so filled with malevolent intent that it could actually rob the virginity from twelve year old girls and crush puppies that were unfortunate enough to be in ear shot of the already infamous chortle. (Ed. Note: Jesus Christ, that's a run-on sentence if I ever did see one.)

 

After replacing comforting images of teddy bears and snowy Christmases with horrifying stock footage of Holocaust survivors and Pauly Shore movies in the souls of all employees, James Eaalhi exited the office. Sadly, not all the friendly chitchat in the world could remove the cloud of paranoia and terror that hung over the office for the remainder of the week.

 

I mean, basically, what I'm saying is, this guy is pretty scary. You know?

 

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Thad, after eating a couple of Swish Roll-Ups from the snack machine, finally regained his composure after the horrifying walk to door.

 

He walked to the door, his stomach full and his change purse empty. (Ed. Note: Change purse? What a fag.) Unbeknownst to Thad, the security guard was jostled out of his nap by his Spidey-Sense and quickly ran to the door, pushing Thad back slightly.

 

The guard spoke, “I'm sorry sir, you can't go in there unless you're an employee.”

 

Thad, unprepared, retorted, “I can't?”

 

“Nope. Its just basic safety procedures. I mean, you could be terrorist or something.”

 

The guard stopped to think for a second, “And what are you here for anyway?”

 

Thad prepared his prepared speech, “I am here to rescue my beloved high school sweetheart, Helen Maria Rudwalnagirctekahs, from whatever diabolic plans this company is forcing here to participate in.”

 

The guard paused and thought about this statement before pushing Thad back again. “Uh, sorry guy, but I'm pretty sure that's grounds to remove you from the premises.”

 

Just then, a blood pasteurizing laugh tore through the airwaves, shattering windows and causing the guard to fill his pants with feces, or as it colloquially known, basketball sized chocolate mud babies. Thad would have shat his pants where it not for the fact that the laugh frightened his bowels into inaction.

 

The guard, hoping no one would notice the sudden stink perpetrating from his pants, quickly vacated the area and headed for the nearest bathroom. Thad, however, found it difficult to move at all.

 

The door to the lobby swooshed open and the man Thad had come to see step forward. The aura of dread that surrounded him was palatable to Thad's senses. So much so that it actually caused the load his asshole had wanted to drop for the past five minutes to be sucked back up into his upper large intestine. Thad kept his quick hand on his attaché case, ready to strike with any of the tools within, should he have too.

 

Eaalhi smiled and spoke softly, well aware of his own intimidating factors, “So, you must be Isaac Thaddeus “Thad” “Dude” “Mammy” Edgar Howard Samuel Gunter III, am I correct?”

 

Thad was dumbfounded. “Uh, yeah, that would be me. How did you know?”

 

James Eaalhi put his hand onto Thad's shoulder, causing a sense of revulsion to flood through his body. For the sake of being polite, Thad didn't pull away, shutter, vomit, or any of the other natural instincts that flooded through him. He also didn't remove his hand from his attaché.

 

The obviously evil man smiled and continue to talk, “I'm actually quite the admirer of yours, Mr. Gunter. I've seen all your movies.”

 

So is it still a compliment when the devil pays it to you? Thad wasn't sure but decided to say “Thank you,” anyway.

 

The two started to walk through the lobby and continue to discuss, “And I've been following some of your recent exploits as well. Seems you have something of a personal vendetta against my company, Thad.”

 

Thad took this time to back away, cautious, “Yeah, you could say that.”

 

James curled his lips into the completely unnatural for him position of a frown, “Now, why would you feel that way? Renn-Tech is a completely ordinary, legitimate software publishing company.”

 

Thad continued to step away, even more distrusting, “No, it's not.”

 

James smiled again, “On the contrary.”

 

Thad cut him off, courage rising up from his gut, “No! I know about your seedy underground businesses! Does the name Helen Maria Rudwalnagirctekahs mean anything to you?”

 

James stroked his chin meaningfully, “Doesn't she work at that barber shop down the street?”

 

Thad stop, thought a second before removing a photograph from his suitcase. “No! Not that Helen Maria Rudwalnagirctekahs! This one!”

 

He flaunted the innocent, smiling face to the devilish business man. Eaalhi carefully picked up the photograph and examined the form there.

 

“Why, yes. I do indeed recognize her. Yes, just last evening we had her double teamed by some midgets. She was pretty apprehensive about that at first, but we managed to, ahaha, bring her around to our way of thinking.”

 

Smiling like he just stole candy for a group of pre-schoolers, James handed the photo back to Thad.

 

It wasn't often that Thad was overcome by strong emotions. He usually kept himself in a state of general pleasantness. Even when extremely frighten, frustrated, or disgusted, it was only rare that he couldn't put some form of semblance over said feelings. But now was one of the few times when he felt like there was nothing he could do to stop unmitigated rage from overtaking his body.

 

The fear he had of this man just moments before transformed and reverted into a simple, clean, justifiable sense of right and wrong. Thad always believed in moral grayness. But this one time he knew that he was absolutely correct and the creature before him was absolutely evil.

 

He reached out, his hands shaking, and grabbed James Eaalhi by the collar. Thad clenched his teeth and spoke barely below a yell.

 

“You think you can sell off people's innocence? Like that doesn't mean anything? Do you think you have the right to enforce your own twisted sense of reality on those around you? You have no right to do such things. You have no right…”

 

Thad found him self tighten his grasp around Eaalhi's throat. This was unusual for both of them. But more so for James Eaalhi because for the first time in his life, in his long existence, he felt a singular feeling of fear, the sense of being in the presence of something that is not only your exact opposite but something that could easily outshine you. It was like matter and anti-matter bumping up against each other.

 

James Eaalhi panicked like he had never had before.

 

“Guards! Guards, get this man off of me!”

 

Just like lightening, two burly security guards, appeared out of thin air and yanked Thad away from their master. They held him back despite his furious protest. He flexed and pull and push away from them, doing his damnest to get his hands back around that man's neck.

 

Eaalhi, taken aback, brushed the stench of Thad's goodness off of his shirt before recomposing himself and speaking. Thad continued to move his feet against the ground, hoping to drag the guards along with him towards his target.

 

“Well, it would seem I underestimated you, Mr. Gunter. I thought I was more then prepared to manipulate you in the fashion I need. But it appears your will is much stronger then I had anticipated.”

 

Eaalhi stepped away from Thad before removing a cell phone from his belt clip. He flipped it open and talked into it.

 

“Ashley, summon the Porno Bots.”

 

Thad, his rage still hot but no longer in the same range of lava, a nuclear explosion, or the sun, was surprise by this exclamation.

 

“Porno bots?”

 

The floor below Thad exploded upward in a huge flash of white light. He was tossed from his spot into the wall, smashing into it with a hard thud. After falling back to what remained of the concrete tile, Thad rubbed his head and looked ahead.

 

Emerging from the newly formed hole in the ground were two machines of considerable size. Each was certainly no shorter then eight feet tall. Their heads were blocky and undefined save for two burning red eyes. Backpacks giving off a strange blue glow were worn on their backs and caused them to levitate in the air. From the elbow below, instead of arms like one would expect from a normal robot, were two large gun like objects that mildly resembled giant dildos

 

Both of the machines pointed their phallic weaponry at Thad before exclaiming in mechanical voices,

 

“ACTIVATE PORNO WAVES!”

 

Thad was admittedly flabbergasted. “Oh, shit,” he softly muttered.

 

Behind the machines, he could see James Eaalhi smiling in self-satisfied way. It was that smile that filled Thad with more dread then the sight of two threatening and well-endowed robots. Because that smile meant that he had lost. It meant that, for today, evil was triumphant.

 

The machines emitted sounds of hyperactive young women moaning sexually before waves of energy shot forth from their arms. The light washed over Thad, burned his eyes, and stung his skin. He felt his atoms shatter apart from one another and being flung across time and space. Strangely, as if dreaming, Thad believed himself to be peacefully floating over the world.

 

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After what felt like a good many years, Thad opened his eyes. He ached over every inch of his body and the hot sun beating down on his skin didn't help any.

 

Wait. Hot sun?

 

Thad sat up, groaned along the way, and looked around the general area. All he saw was miles and miles of endless, shining, scourging white sand. The only thing that broke the constant blanket of blazing whiteness was an occasional rock or plant. But for the most part, Thad was isolated alone in some great plane of nothingness.

 

He got to his feet, grunting in pain again from the extensive bruising over his body that he didn't quite understand.

 

Shit. This was a real situation he was in. He confronted his enemy only to be dashed, was suddenly lost in the middle of an inexplicable desert, and worse, of all, his attaché case was missing.

 

 

TO BE CONTINUED!!!