Other Fan Fiction / Romance Fan Fiction / Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ The Adventures of Thad Gunter ❯ Thad Gunter Must Die ( Chapter 16 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Psycho_Z 
This is it, the main event, the epic conclusion to the Thad saga! Questions are answered, mysteries solved, characters killed, buildings exploded, blood orgies commenced, deep existential quandaries resolved! Hell, there’s even a land shark or two! It’s everything you could possibly want! And if you don’t like the series, at least be happy that it’s now over.
Miscellaneous: Other Fan Fiction / Romance Fan Fiction / Original Stories Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Comedy / Adventure | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 03.20.2009 | Pages: 31 | Words: 30.8K | Visits: 139 | Status: Completed
This is it, the main event, the epic conclusion to the Thad saga! Questions are answered, mysteries solved, characters killed, buildings exploded, blood orgies commenced, deep existential quandaries resolved! Hell, there’s even a land shark or two! It’s everything you could possibly want! And if you don’t like the series, at least be happy that it’s now over.
Miscellaneous: Other Fan Fiction / Romance Fan Fiction / Original Stories Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Comedy / Adventure | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 03.20.2009 | Pages: 31 | Words: 30.8K | Visits: 139 | Status: Completed
THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF THAD GUNTER!!!
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Chapter 16: Thad Gunter Must Die
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Leopold Humperdinck sat at his desk in Cubicle 147, typing away. Working here at Renn-Tech could be a stressful job. Dangerous. No matter how good you are at copyright writing, you never no when, in a random rage, corporate boss James Eaalhi might press a button somewhere and the floor beneath you would rip open and you'd fall to your death into some dip, bottomless, black pit of horror. And you never know when a grotesque monstrosity might escape from the lower depths and rampage across the writing pool. If nothing else, Leopold thought, the job was considerable more perilous then your regular office position.
Nevertheless, he had been having a good day. The rerun of “Angel” that he caught while he ate his daily regiment of instant oatmeal was a real good-un. The oatmeal, which he selected randomly by putting his hand in the box and removing the first thing he grabbed, was also his favorite flavor, Apple-Cinnamon-Peyote. The traffic on the freeway was unusually sparse and he only had to pull over once to let a drive-by shooting pass. And instead of having to rewrite historical documents to remove references to Renn-Tech's secret projects, all Leopold had to do was double-check a small mountain of paperwork. A good time was being had by all.
He even found himself whistling a jovial tune as he typed away. After all, music made the day go by faster.
Just as Mr. Humperdinck was about to type in another series of randomly generated numbers, the screen went blank.
“Hmm. That's strange.”
He checked underneath his desk, always the first order of procedure. One time when his computer went blank, he looked down and found Ass chewing mindlessly on some of his sparking wires. However, this time, there was a definite lack of deformed young men munching away on his electrics. Upon glancing over his cubicle wall, Leopold noticed that every computer screen in the room had gone blank.
“Hey, anybody know what's going on?” Michelangelo Feelgood in Cubicle 133 called.
“Where'd my documents go?” Offensive Stereotype in Cubicle 99 shouted.
“This is not acceptable!” Charley the Goddamned Monstrosity We Do Not Speak Off in Cubicle 105 screamed in a high-pitch manner.
Before a small riot erupted due to the lack of mind-numbing repetitive menial office work, the computer screens came back to life. A collective sigh of relief was breathed. That is, until everyone realized that it was a pre-recorded image of their boss, James Eaalhi, on every screen around them. Then they stopped breathing calmly, or at all in some cases, and instead began to nervously chatter their teeth. Especially those who internally chuckled at James' early nineties Jeri-Curl haircut.
“Renn-Tech employees: If you are seeing this video, that means one of three things has happened. Technically, a great number of things could be happening but our Logical Endeavor Device has determined these as the three most likely occurrences. The first possibility is that I have died. Not to underestimate the fearsome opponent that is Madam Death, but I find this mildly unlikely, considering how awesome and badass I am.”
The recording of Eaalhi emphasized this point by swishing his head and sending wet hairspray flying in a number of directions and then winking behind his pair of perma-donned reflective spectacles. He then continued.
“The second most plausible event is that some god-awful and dangerous thing has escaped from Negative Sector which nobody watching this tape should even know about. So just pretend you didn't hear that last part. And in the occurrence that a genetically engineered or other-worldly summoned being is on the loose and eating people's head, I really don't care about any of your lives. So, either way, stay put and continue to work diligently, completely unaware of your approaching demise.”
Many employees shuffled, confused and disturbed. On their monitors, Eaalhi picked up an envelope, opened it and read from the paper inside.
“Finally, the most likely occurrence is that a gay man has been elected president by a Republican majority. Violence has broken out in the streets and martial law has been declared. CCN has gone off the air. Ronald Regan has undone his human skin-mask and revealed his true, Saurian identity. The Biblical apocalypse is upon us, the horsemen are tracing the air and undoing seals. The world as we know it is ending. Please riot accordingly. Thank you.”
And with that all the computers shut off once again. An unsure silence spread over the room and all was enveloped in it, including the formally confident Leopold. That silence was then shattered by an uproariously scream of joy and fear from all present. Monitors were smashed, thrown to floors, and stepped upon. Cubicle walls were pushed down. Tonner cartridges were seized like weapons and slashed into inspirational posters. (Which, at Renn-Tech, consisted of pictures of Eaalhi pointing forward, sternly, and a caption that read “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”) Office chairs were set ablaze and throw from windows. Everyone stripped and decorated themselves with swastikas and pentagrams drawn in Sharpie pen before acts of Roman debauchery broke out. Waste bins were overturned.
Still somewhat stunned, Leopold looked around and observed how instantly society broke down around him. He shrugged his shoulders and began to disrobe and smashed stuff. When in Utah, as they say… Turns out his good day wouldn't be ruined after all.
---
Was there such a thing as silent elevators? Duncan, the middle age, balding, chubby, literal technophile, secretly closeted homosexual, security guard thought to himself. Obviously not here at Renn-Tech because the elevator continued to hum mindlessly as it descended into the deep bowels of HQ.
The man glanced over nervously at the elevator's other occupant: Perry, the Porno-Bot, the machine that, until a few minutes ago, he had assumed cared a great deal for him. He recalled their first minute together, the brief exchange of glances, the getting of coffee for one another, their discussion of sports and recent action movies. Especially, he recalled the time, alone on the night shift, when Perry turned to him and softly, sweetly, romantically, asked, “HEY GUY. WANNA' BONE?” There was no turning back. True passion belonged solely to them.
But things were so unsure now. But he didn't want to give up. He cared too much about that mechanical stud muffin to just let it go, let their time together pass away like two oil freighters passing in a solar eclipse. The ice must shatter.
Twiddling his thumbs, looking at his feet, Duncan shyly questioned, “So… What'cha thinking about?”
Perry drank from his environmentally unfriendly cup of coffee, “I WAS JUST WANDERING WHY THERE ARE DUDES OUT THERE WHO ONLY DIG FAT CHICKS BUT NO CHICKS WHO ONLY DIG FAT GUYS. GENDER BIAS, MAN.”
Self-conscious, Duncan looked away. Why must Perry hurt his feelings like that? He all ready knew that he had a bruised heart. Why must he continue like that, openly lusting after other men, women, and eggplants?
Almost whispering, Duncan spoke again, trying best to some up his feelings, “Do you only dig fat dudes?”
A swivel sounded. He recognized the sound of Perry's head turning. He couldn't face him, he couldn't look over at those clear, cold, blue, laser-powered eyes. Before he could work up the courage to face that still façade of metal, his voice sounded.
“I'VE ALWAYS DUG THIS FAT DUDE.”
Duncan wished he could believe that. His heart tightened up, he could feel himself falling for that sexy hunk of steel all over again. But he couldn't, not now. He still loved Perry, but he could never be in love with him, the technically genderless robot.
Instead of looking him the eyes, running across the elevator, and wrapping his flabby, hairy arms around that machine, he instead clamped his eyes shut and tried to hold back the tears.
The elevator stopped, having reached the very bottom of the shaft. The door began to open slowly. Duncan opened his eyes, wiped away the moister, putting away those foolish, girlish thoughts and putting up a mask of professionalism. He was a forty-two year old security guard. He must act that way. But he couldn't help but glance at Perry, who had remained unmoving and unresponsive.
Both looked ahead as the elevator opened up completely. Before them was a fourteen foot tall, asparagus green, tentacle swirling, multiple eyes blinking, multiple mouths opening, squid monster. A series of torn open huge doors were visible behind it, as was the trail of blood and gore leading out of the cave. Both man and machine would have shit their pants at the utterly unexpected sight had they enough time to react.
The robot looked to the man and spoke, “I LOVE YOU.”
Duncan could only smile, sly, recognizing the move for what it was. “Liar.”
And with that the Elder Thing swung a massive tentacle at the duo, crushing the elevator flat against the shaft wall, transforming Duncan Flop into a bloody, meaty smear on the wall and Perry the Porno-Bot into a useless pile of twisted slag.
The minor supporting characters out of the way, the horror's arms shot up the shaft and began to pull its massive body up the length. As its body squeeze into the small space, its mouth drool even hastier, its hunger increased ten folds. It could smell, could feel, the lives above, the lives just waiting to be devoured.
---
Dr. Isaac Thaddeus “Thad” “Dude” “Mammy” “Hug-Me the Bear” “Broken Horn” Edgar Allen Poe Howard Philips Lovecraft Sam Leroy Jackson Gunter III, Jr., PhD., DDS. ran as quickly as possible down the winding, impossible long hallways of the Renn-Tech building. His eyes scanned over the map he held before him and, following the illustration, he took a left.
Right before slamming directly into a wall.
Flat on his ass, looking up at the ceiling, Thad could do nothing but sigh. He looked to the map again and, this time, rotated it 180 degrees.
“Fooey.”
As Thad pulled himself back up to his feet, he realized that his map reading skills had improved none at all over the past few months. His lack of atlas understanding could easily be blamed for his sudden lack of directional skills but Thad's mind was truthfully elsewhere.
Fictional? Everything? The whole world, as he knew it, fictional? And he was the lead character? His mind was still reeling. How could that even be possible? How could a mind, singular as minds are, imagine an entire world that was as real to him as apple pie? Just the idea that reality might not be reality was a little overwhelming. Did that mean that none of it mattered? That his whole life was just a preordained puppet show?
Honest to God, Thad, you're just jumping from existential crisis to existential crisis these days. What's tomorrow's deep, psychological despair going to be about? Having trouble reconciling the existence of a kind, loving Christian God with an awful uncaring violent world? Who do you think you are, Ingmar Bergman? Jesus, cut back, would ya'?
Yes, that's correct. No time. Ponder the universe and all its strangeness later.
Instead, Thad turned his eyes back to the map which he barely understood. Finding Eaalhi and getting out of the Renn-Tech building, those were his top priorities at the moment. And those were certainly uphill climbs in their own right. Honestly, glancing at the map and his surroundings, he wasn't even sure where he was. He knew he took an elevator ride a while back, and that was pretty long, but instead of taking him back to the top, he was dropped out here, wherever the hell here might be.
He paused once again, looked around the white, pristine hallway, glance back at the map, and even took a minute to consider the Para-Deity Communiqué Apparatus, still tucked under his left arm.
Certain in his beliefs, Thad spoke out to no one in particular. “I am totally fucking lost.”
---
James Eaalhi stood proud, even when sandwiched into a medium elevator with at least twenty other people, including a few robots. Granted, the squeezing of people into the boxy area, akin to a full tube of toothpaste, made it difficult to do anything but stand. But still, James exuded an evil, twisted sense of pride, even with a Porno-Bot's dildo-hand jabbing him in the lower ribs.
He moved his neck a whole quarter-inch, as much as possible in the enclosed area, and pondered about his shaft-mates. The diminutive Ashley Renn stood by his feet, compressed against the elevator door, apparently enjoying the sensation. Poor poor Ashley, it wasn't fair the things that poor child had been through. And the others, the most stable and focused of the Renn-Tech security guards, all decked out in SWAT armor, shields, batons, side arms, high-tech laser beams, and good old fashion machine guns. And then, the handful of Porno-Bots that remained functional.
“Men,” he spoke loudly over the grinding noise of the descending elevator, “let it be known that you are the finest employees Renn-Tech has to offer. You have been assembled very specifically for this mission.”
One of the men, wedged into the front left corner of the space, his arms over his head, spoke up,
“But, sir, what exactly is our mission? You assembled us without informing us first.”
Eaalhi grimaced slightly at the pestering. The poor bastards. It wouldn't be long before the Elder Thing escaped the Pit and unleashed its hungry rage on whatever sad jackass got in its way. James wasn't exactly leading the group to the slaughter, but their gory, overblown, described in florid detail demise, was all but guaranteed.
But before that happened, he was determined to accomplish one thing.
“Your mission, my comrades, is to exterminate the man known as Thad Gunter.”
The riot gear armed guard spoke up again, “Oh, okay. That's cool. Are we getting overtime for this?”
The rest of the group piped up, throwing their voices into the question.
“Yeah we better! There are unions, you know!”
“Or maybe vacation time. Would that be a fair trade?”
“And holiday pay too! It's Boxing Day in Canada, you know!”
“I HAVE SOAPS I COULD BE WATCHING, YOU KNOW. THIS BETTER SHOW UP ON MY PAYCHECK.”
James grumbled, suddenly loosing all pity for the ragtag team of ass hats. “Yes, I assure you. You will all receive payment for your services.”
The group was silent for a minute. A long, agonizing minute passed without a word leaving anyone's lips.
“So… How much overtime are we talking here?”
“Yeah! How much?”
“INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW.”
If space permitted, James would have face palmed right about now. When did his employees become so damn uppity?
Ass suckled on the elevator door, blissfully unaware.
---
After giving the map a second good look, Thad finally grasped some sort of understanding of his surroundings. Apparently, he was in Sector Nine, ominously entitled “Occult Studies,” which was reason enough for Thad not to open any of the doorways he saw. Lord knows what kind of Alistair Crowley style debauchery went on around these parts. After studying the Key more closely, the paper brought him safely to his current location, in front of another elevator.
Thad waited patiently and hummed a pleasant tune, the map folded and his arms behind his back, the Apparatus on his head for lack of a better place to put it. Just to make sure, he reached out and touched his thumb to the “up” arrow one more time. Obviously the shaft was all ready in use but he was just a wee bit impatient. Especially since the monstrous cries he had been hearing from time to time kept drawling closer. That sort of thing would make anybody nervous.
The numbers atop the elevator flicked down from an eight to a nine. Thad whooped, surprised and excited to get out of this ominous place. The movement jostled the helmet down over his eyes again. Sigh.
A click and a pleasant beep was heard. Thad pushed the helmet back up his forehead and looked on, anxious, half-way expecting a flood of blood to spool out. The doors parted. Spilling out of the confines of the crane was a mass of bodies, people, and automatons. Well, at least it wasn't blood.
The group wrangled, unknotted, on the floor. Eaalhi, at the bottom of the dog pile, groaned, displeased with his less then glamorous current situation. The others cursed, kicked, moved about, trying to right themselves. A random machine gun fired off.
“Oh shit, did I hit anything?”
“Nope, I don't think so.”
“Okay, cool. I was worried there for a minute.”
His rage rising to the surface for once, Eaalhi screamed out, “Will you jackanapes get the FUCK off of me?”
“SURE THING BOSS.”
The ragtag group stumbled to their feet, or in some cases, used their deviance powered backpacks to hover upright. After much disorganized bumbling, the tiny army assembled itself behind Eaalhi, who stood upright, hands behind his back, before them. The militia pointed their guns and lasers, switched their dildo cannons from `erotic' to `deadly,' and took aim at Thad. And then proceed to do nothing at all.
Thad was in the same boat. He froze, startled by the clown car-esque act of unfolding so many people from such a small place, but mostly he stood still for fear that, if he moved, he'd stain his pants with some lemonade and chocolate surprise. Hey, have a bunch of guys and robots pointing guns and dick-shaped laser cannons at you, and see what your reaction is.
The same nosy, young, forthright Renn-Tech officer spoke up once again, pushing the glass shield of his riot helmet away from his face.
“Mr. Eaalhi, isn't Thad Gunter the guy that you need for your master plan to rule over the known galaxy to be a success?”
Rage bubbling to the surface, it took all James had not to backhand the mouthy little bitch right then and there. He pointed, Lewis Black-style, at Thad, quivering, barely containing his ire.
“Fuck the plan! I want this motherfucker Swiss cheesed!”
“Oh yeah, right.” And with that, a downpour of death was unleashed in the hallway.
Thad's brain kicked into gear. Acting on pure instinct, as usual, he found himself speeding away around the corner. Had he acted any slower, he wouldn't be running at all. The only thing running would be his internal fluids all over the floor as his deep-fried, extra-crispy body fell to the ground.
A mighty wave of bullets and plasma fire scorched the air and slammed into the opposite wall, quickly reducing it to rubble. Thad, against his own better judgment, looked back at the destruction. Gulping, he continued to move, only too aware that he would end up like that wall unless he stayed ahead of the crowd.
“Go! Go! GO!” Screamed Eaalhi, no longer containing his anger, at his lazy soldiers. The group stumbled forward, more then a few falling by the moving crowd. Scrambling to their feet, they rushed down the hall, shooting randomly at anything that moved, successfully killing a cockroach and few stray dust particles.
----
“Well, yeah, but it's not like you can just mess around with Barbatos. I mean, master of animals and all that.”
“Tell me about it. After he possessed me, all I did was watch fucking Animal Planet all day. Swear to Baal, if I ever have to see Jeff Corwin again, I'll just switch to fucking Catholicism.”
The two men, dressed in black and red robes, continued to chatter as they exited the dusty library and stepped into the pristine hallway.
“And what about that Orobas fellow?”
“Oh, Jesus, he never shuts up, does he?”
“Why are demons so damn chatty anyway?”
“Seriously. Hell must be a boring-ass place. Seems like they spend eternity just waiting around, hoping someone will summon them, just so they'll have somebody to talk to.”
“It's all pretty pathetic, isn't it?”
The younger dark scholar shrugged his shoulders through his heavy cloth robe, “Well, you know, you do what you have to. I'm telling you, as soon as I get my degree in Demonic Consultation, I'm getting the fuck out of here and heading over to SoCal.”
“What's in SoCal?”
He smiled, “Parties, man. Babes. Don't you know chicks dig the Satanism bag? Gnarly stuff, I'm telling ya'. Hot goth chicks will be on my dick like it was made of gold. But, like, dark spooky gold. Dark spooky dick gold.”
“I thought all goth chicks were fat?”
“Oh, hot ones exist. My internet chatrooms wouldn't lie to me.”
The older, dark expert peaked his ears up, pushing his fancy hood back, “Hey, you hear that?”
A clicking, and a huffing, and an exhausted breathing. Both men looked ahead and spotted a handsome, raven haired fellow in a slightly tattered suit, kicking up his legs and arms, running abnormally fast for someone dressed like that. Upon approaching the boys, he screamed, terrified and stammered to a spot, falling to the ground, rolling forward, and then righting himself, braking sharply and suddenly.
He rested his palms on his knees and gasped, starved for breath.
“You okay, mister?” The frat boy exorcist spoke.
Thad did his best to answer. “Death march …*gasp*… Laser beams …*cough*…”
He reared his hands back, impersonating intimating gestures,
“Porno-Bots! …*huff-huff-huff*… Better run!”
The two witchcraft experts looked at Thad, cock-eyed.
“Porno-Bots?”
“Are those robots that act in porn or robots that created porn?”
Finally having some sort of grasp on his lungs, Thad put out his hands, gingerly stepping around the two, and walking over to the still opened door. He hid behind the thin piece of wood and fiber-glass, sticking his head out at the two apprentices.
“Just stay there and find out, all right?” He then ducked into the room and closed the door behind him.
Still confused, the two devil fans just looked on, before shaking it off and continuing their trek through the hall.
“You see the weirdest shit around this place.”
“Seriously.”
Stepping around the corner, the two continuing twittering with their mouths,
“So, you Tivo'd last night's “Two and a Half Men,” right?”
“Fuck yeah! Never miss it, motherfucker! You know I love me some Charlie Sheen.”
And, suddenly, as if the divine forces were punishing him for such a statement, a stray laser beam exploded through the young man's head, leaving a large, smoldering cauterized burrow. His eyes rolled back, and before crumbling to the ground, the older robed figure got a look at the wound, seeing the wall on the other side of the hall through the black, weeping hole.
Before he even had a chance to react, the running, shooting, shouting, crowd of armed guards smashed into him. The feet trampled down on his supple form, snapping bones, squishing vulnerable flesh, imprinting boot heels into foreheads. The occasional bullet or laser blast tearing into his skin didn't help things any either.
After the dust had settled, James Eaalhi, accompanied by Ass Renn, stepped over the writhing lump of bleeding humanity, who reached out, hopelessly, to the cold faces.
“Kill… Me… Please.” He coughed blood between agonized moans.
James could do nothing by sigh at the sight, “Honestly, Ashley, sometimes I wonder why I ever got into this business.”
He tsk-tsk-tsked and walked away. The mangled body continued to cry out for sweet death, his groans falling on deaf ears. Well, on Ass' ears, who might as well be deaf.
Turning the corner, Eaalhi was faced with his grabastic military, standing still, looking around confused.
“Um, boss,” the irritatingly observant guard spoke up, “I think we lost him.”
Indigent, but not surprised, Eaalhi still seethed, “Lost him? How the hell did you loose him? He's on our territory!”
Holding back a scream, pulling at his perfectly coifed hair, James stomped around, like a disciplined three-year old, “Monkeys!”
He ran up to the lead guard and grabbed the high tech laser blaster away from him, “Give me that goddamn thing!”
He blasted a hole in the wall before screaming out, “Thaddeus, you belligerent turd!” He pulled the trigger again, burning another perfectly round hall in the near-by partition.
“I've got your Helen, you know that? You won't believe the god awful things we've done to her!” He chuckled and cocked a smile, “You won't believe the things I'VE done to her! She's quite the good little slut, do you know that? Gets on all fours and barks just like a dog, just begging for the tube sausage treatment. She craves the cock, like a drug! There are days we're we actually have to get her to slow down, she wants it so bad!”
From somewhere near-by, Thad shouted, “That doesn't matter anymore.”
His brow perked, his hands gripped the blaster tighter, and he searched the hall, whispering, “Where are you now, you irksome bowel movement?”
“What's happened to Helen, it's not my fault. It's not anybody's fault. But I can't change her. I can't make her change. I can't make anybody change. That's something you've failed to grasp, Eaalhi. You can't force anybody's fate.”
Following the sound, ever so carefully, James touched his feet softly to the floor, ear to the wall, approaching the desired location.
“Things change and I've come to accept that.” Thad continued, “What Helen and I had is in the past. I can cherish that, without her current situation getting in the way.”
A smile spread across the company's head's face as he reached the door. Pulling it open, he held down the device's trigger, releasing a torrent of hot, stinging, atomizing pure energy. Each zap sang delightfully, singeing the very air.
After a solid minute of blasting away, he paused and looked inside the room. A nervous fit tugged at the lower right hand corner of his mouth. All that he saw was a pile of blazing old books.
That was all he saw, that is, before the door slammed back into his face. Falling backwards, stunned, Thad swiftly reached and grabbed the machine away from Eaalhi's clutches.
Pointing the muzzle at its former owner, our hero spoke up, “Seriously, Jay, I'm not that dumb.”
Grabbing his noise, grumbling, Eaalhi screamed out to his men, “Perforate him!”
Twenty death-dealing machinations turned in one direction. Thad looked on, his knees shaking, suddenly not so heroic anymore. He forced his eyelids shut, expecting the worse.
He dove to the floor, the only course of action he could think off. Guns cocked, lasers powered up, Porno-energy moaned ecstatically.
“STOP!” Eaalhi screamed out.
Once again, the Renn-Tech employee cried out in frustration, “Gee, boss, make up your mind, would ya'?”
Surprised by the sound, Thad opened his eyes and glanced around. His answer came quickly.
Dragging his bad leg behind him, a few occultist's teeth jammed into his palm, Ass Renn wobbled down the hall towards his uncle.
“Don't shoot yet!” James spoke again, standing up, running to his beloved cousin.
And then, several things happened very quickly. The hallway's walls quivered. The floor shook. A monstrous bellow tore the air in two. The floorboards exploded upwards, raining debris down on all present. Everyone's line of vision was soon filled by a shape both green and enormous.
The Elder Thing, all of its eyes blinking, all of its mouths drooling, its many tentacles whipping around, appeared from out the hole in the floor. Directly behind Ass.
All eyes where on the boy and the monster. A loll hung in the air. (But not a LOL. That would be different.)
Groaning, confused, Ass slowly turned around and looked the beast right in one of its eyes.
“Elleo.” He mumbled.
The thing bellowed, throwing its greasy spit all over Ass' distorted body. Smiling dumbly, he extended his bleeding hand in welcome.
The Elder Thing said hello by smacking him on the bottom of the chin with a huge, thumping limb. The boy flew up into the ceiling, laid out flat against the ceiling tiles, his bones cracking and straightening.
Falling down into the place where once a deformed youngster stood, was a suddenly straightened, somewhat healthy looking eleven year old young man. Ashley felt around his person, confused and pleasantly surprised.
His lips moved and for the first time in forever, clear concise words left. Ass spoke with a soft, pleasant, choir boy voice.
“Uncle Jamie, look at me, I'm fixed!” He smiled, hugely, overjoyed.
The Kodak moment ended with a beam of concentrated light searing across the hall, and splitting Ass' wig. Blood trickled down the bridge of his noise and into his mouth. Licking his lips, the suddenly normal boy made a confused noise.
“Uncle Jamie… What just happened?”
Thad's, Eaalhi's, even the Elder Thing's eyes turned and looked ahead at the group of armed enforcers. Standing proudly ahead of them was the mouthy, question-filled young guard, a smoking laser gun in his mitts.
He smiled, damn satisfied with himself, and motioned to his teammates, “Damn good shooting, if I do say so myself. Don't you boys think so?”
He observed the slack-jawed looks of stupid-awe that nearly everyone in the hall shared.
“What? You guys don't agree?”
“What? You guys don't agree?”
Breaking the silence, Ass reached up and explored the split in his skull. His fingers dug into his pink, squishy brain. Suddenly he was the same old Ass we all know and love, chuckling, inebriated by the sensation.
“Hehehehe… That feels good.”
Deciding it had been sitting around like a bum long enough, the Elder Thing sprang forth, it's main mouth expanding, bringing the rotating maw of doom down on Ass' body, split head and all. Within seconds, the formally deformed of body but still clearly deformed of mind young person was reduced to a collection of irreconcilable bits of bloody bones and meat, his form splattering all over the walls and floor. And some of it made it into the monster's mouth too.
Thoroughly startled by the sudden appearance of the big scary monsters, Thad could only do one thing. And, shockingly, that one thing wasn't shit in his pants in total fear. Instead, he pointed and yelled, “What the hell is that thing?!”
James, apparently unaffected by the death of the only human being on Earth he actually cared about, shouted a response to Thad's inquiry.
“Don't you recognize an eldritch horror when you see one?”
And to punctuate, James shoved Thad down to the floor and ran off in the opposite direction, pushing the guards and Porno-Bots out of his way as he fled like a cowardly little girl.
Looking up from the floor, Thad got an eyeful of the Elder Thing speeding towards him. Showing he is made of equally stern stuff, screaming bloody murder like a violated Catholic school girl, he rolled on his side, through the ajar door, back into the safety of the occult library.
Glancing out the door, he saw the huge green mass scuttle by, as if it was some sort of impious Lovecraftian locomotive. Hugging he knees, Thad shrank into the corner of the room.
Out in the hallway, the Elder Thing went to work on the throng of defenders. Bullets and beams cut into its slithery flesh, doing nothing but infuriating it further. Tentacles lashed around, slashing flesh and spilling blood. An ivory claw came down on a helpless guard's neck, severing his head, which flew into the air like a beach ball, a venerable gore geyser erupting from his stump. A throat was torn open with a smaller squid-bit following down the tear. Pulling back, the esophagus, stomach, and a portion of small intestine unspooled from the opening. Another tentacle coiled around the head of Anonymous Guard #345, squeezing, crushing him at temple-level. His brain cannon-shot from the splintered skull and helmet, splattering upon contact with the ceiling. A leathery stump punched through a robot's chest, pulling vital servos and circuitry from his body, oil and lubricant dripping from the innards. A random human got the same treatment, only a slightly messier whole ribcage came out instead, a complete set of heart and lungs and other wet stuff dropping to the floor from the bone container. Both man and machine fell, twitching and screaming in agony.
Another slimy appendage swung around, cutting three décolletages at once. Fire hose amounts of blood fountained onto the wall and ceiling. A Porno-Bot had its arm severed before having said armed stabbed back down onto its head. A claw shot forth, stabbing through some poor bastard's torso, before lifting him up and out of the way, tossed aside like an empty Styrofoam cup. The Elder Thing Sally-Forthed, its tentacles spinning lawn mower blade style, obliterating a duo of enemies. Their bodies popped, viscera and machinery exploding everywhere. Blood layered onto the lights above, casting a sickening brown-red coloration over the hallway.
Jumping back, emaciated jackal style, the Mouthy Security Guard fired repeatedly, landing a laser beam directly into one of the monster's eyes. He raised a fist, crying to the five men and two automatons behind him.
“Come on maggots, you want to live forever?!”
“Sure do!” A solider cried back before deserting his post. Agreement followed from the Porno-Bots, “FUCK THIS SHIT!” A consensus reached, the seven of them fled as bravely as possible.
“Seriously?” The guard mouthed, disappointed. He turned back to the beast wheel-barreling down on him. The laser gun clicked, its energy cells depleted. Cursing, he threw his helmet down, tore away his bulletproof vest away, and raised the blaster like a spear.
Screaming a war cry at the top of his lungs, “One man army!” he ran forward at the fiend.
Directly into its mouth. The gates of teeth closed around him, fiercely masticating. Heading after the cowardly corp., the creature vomited a tidal wave of gnawed red stained bones, making room in its endless pit of a stomach for more fresh fish.
---
The colophony of horror faded in Thad's ears. He took a chance, and poked his head out the door. And then immediately yanked his head back into the room. He knew the rules. Curious people got decapitated and eaten by otherworldly terrors.
Safe in the room, his fingers explored his head. Yep, still there. Wiping the flop-sweat from his forehead, checking the Para-Deity Communiqué Apparatus still dangling from his belt, he decided to take a closer look. Gingerly stepping outside, he gasped.
Apparently someone had decided to remake “Cannibal Holocaust” right there in the Renn-Tech hallways. Very wasn't a millimeter of space that wasn't dripping or oozing or smeared with something. Thad had seen some messed up shit on his journey but… Damn.
He stepped forward, cautiously, only too aware that at any minute, a ghastly tentacle could peek around the corner and shave his spleen. The thick nasty fluids that covered the floor stuck to the bottom of Thad's shoes, making any sneaking pretty much impossible. He groaned as another layer of congealing redness came off his heels. Ugh. He had been in downtown porno theaters with floors that were cleaner then this.
He could only imagine the kind of awful things that had gone on to create this sort of mess. Images swirled in his head to match the dire the sounds he endured from his hiding place. Yeah, he endured… Compared to the relatively innocent men and robots out here who got to experience how an avocado feels as it becomes guacamole. Planting his foot down in a small puddle of god-only-knows what, Thad thought for a moment, trying to consider what it must feel like to be torn asunder by some alien horror, to face down death in such a real, sloppy manner. Sure, he had brushed up against grisly extinction before but the possibility of something and the fact of it are two very different ideas. Imaginary pain rose though his body as he tried to put himself in the boots of men.
WHACK! Suddenly, a very real pain smacked Thad heavily over the back of the head. Stumbling forward from the impact, he glanced behind. Standing there, approaching an Oscar the Grouch level of pissed-off-ness, was James Eaalhi. He gripped a thick book of considerable dusty age like a baseball bat, preparing to take another swing at Thad.
He snarled, “I'll grind your bones to make my bread, Thad Gunter! And I'll gladly butter that toast on both sides!”
He swung again. Thad sidestepped him, barely missing the full force of the blow, feeling only the hardback cover wiz by him.
“How the hell did you get back here?”
“Secret passageways, bitch. I would've thought that you'd have that figured out by now.”
Another swipe, this one made contact. Eaalhi clocked him on the bottom of the jaw, forcing his both rows of teeth into each other and severing the tip of his tongue just a little.
“Not so tough without the element of surprise, are you?” He followed through with a conk to the top of the head, falling Thad to the sliminess below.
Cackling filled his ears. Eaalhi looked down at him, condescending, his reflective lens sliding down the bridge of his noise.
“Feels real good to see you kneeling before me, you self-righteous ass-tack.” He shook the impressive volume. “You know with this thing, I can conjure all sorts of worlds. Between this and the technology I have, I could've opened a black pit down to hell right under your feet whenever I wanted. It would've been easy to frag you.”
Thad's gears were beginning to turn. Madman with a Necronomicon and a serious superiority complex on one end of him and a flesh-ending squid god on the other. “Rock and a hard place” didn't quite satisfy. He had been in scraps before and had always managed to wrangle out of them, usually through some crazy cockamamie scheme. What to do?
Biting his lower lip, his hand shot forth, grabbed Eaalhi's nut-sack, and twisted. James shrieked and plummeted like a bag of horses holding hammers. Thad shot up and scurried, bat-out-of-hell-ing it down these hallways for the second time that day.
However, his brisk waltzing was cut into this time. Quickly, he came up on the huge ass hole in the floor, still reeking with Elder Thing stench. He stomped on the brakes, careening to a stop just in time, just mere inches from the pit. The Apparatus clanked at his belt, the sound matching with his shaky kneecaps.
“Whoo.” Breathing a sigh of relief, he dare not look down there.
And thus the WHACK-ing came again, accompanied by the flapping of pages in mid-throw. Spinning his arms for balance, it was just the push Thad neither needed or wanted to take him over that all-too-literal edge. He'd have to look down now.
Maybe not. That stinky ol' survival instinct came out again. He seized the edge of the fissure, holding onto dear life with two sweaty palms. He could see the damned tome, random pages flipped open, lying at eyelevel. Eaalhi, still chuckling, stepped up and retrieved the cursed volume.
“Oh, Thad. I didn't think it was like you to play beneath the belt like that. Isn't that against your cherished chivalry?”
Pushing some courage up from his gut, Thad shouted, “Never said I was chivalrous, Eaalhi.”
“Maybe. Either way, you hold onto things of the past. Expired concepts, pathetic faith, needless sentimentality. Is it any wonder you were so easy to manipulate? Christ, you're practically a Baptist. I have no need for such things. Why should I believe in something bigger, wither it be love or God? It's all beneath me. I believe in myself. And that's bigger, better, and stronger then anything else around.”
Muscles straining, he tried to lift himself over the ridge of the hole again, unsuccessful.
“Even bigger then your Elder Thing back there?”
He shrugged his shoulders, “Eh. The C'thuluian parathion has its uses. We're all fictional, anyway.” He leaned down to talk face to face. “You know that, don't you?”
Thad's fingers were slipping. “Yeah, I read about that. Turns out I'm the hero of this tale. Do you know that?”
Eaalhi grinned, “It's a new century, Thad. The good guys don't always win, as in life, as in fiction. Besides, you're a coward, and when was the last time you felt like a hero anyway? Your fear, your doubts, broadcasts like a cheap radio.”
He pointed into the crack, “You know what's down there, Thad? Assuming you fall all the way through the Secret Offices, you'll land in what we around here whimsically call the Horrible Beasties Holding Zoo. You know what's down there?”
Thad, his shoulders slack and his arms following suit, craned his neck around and looked down to the far bottom of the cravas. He saw A soft layer of sand, not threatening in and of itself, but poking through the grains were three circling, rust-brown dorsal fins.
Gulping, Thad whispered in fear words that Eaalhi all too happily parroted, “Land sharks.”
Standing straight, James fingers tapped onto the book's face. His grin was gone now, replaced with sour contempt. He said nothing and instead acted.
He brought the spine of the manuscript down harshly on Thad's phalanges. Both screamed, one in dread and pain, the other in triumphant rage. Thad's grip was no more and the harsh mistress of gravity held him in sway.
The stale air rushed pass his face, his eyes closed, his ears alert to the sounds around. Buzzing wind, hungry growls from land sharks below, maniacal laughter above, the snacking of the Elder Thing even further away, the clattering of the Apparatus at his…
His eyes snapped open. Snatching the helmet from his belt loop, he slammed it onto his head, and pressed every bottom he could find. He hoped to God that the Apparatus worked without that fancy chair, that the seat only expanded its power for something bigger. Because it was pretty much his last shot at this point.
Optical orbs clamped shut again, chompers gritted, the hungry panting of the land sharks below growing louder in his auditory alleyways. A weird sensation crept up over his skin, but was that just from the falling or had this scheme pulled through?
Mid-air, he turned around and, through pure accident, opened his peepers, getting an eyeful of hungry land sharks, jaws wide open, ready to tear him apart for a late lunch.
---
Eaalhi stood over head, his opponent plummeting towards a trio of famished cartilaginous fishes. It was single-handedly the happiest moment of his entire life.
And, then, right before his very eyes, Thad vanished in thin air, enveloped by a blue light. James fists shook, his knees gave way, and a scream vibrated up from the depths of his lungs.
“THHHAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDD!”
---
For all of a minute, Thad felt displaced. It was a hard sensation to describe. Try to imagine being in a bunch of different places at one but at the same time, being nowhere. Being lifted up and put away somewhere distant but also suddenly becoming aware of a vast web of knowledge, life-changing knowledge, simple but seemingly obscure truths about the universe at large.
Thad was up high, he realized. He felt as if floating, lifted upwards by a cool, calming draft, holding close to something warm, mother's bosom, a safe place…
Just as suddenly, he was dropped down. His feet gave. Were the Land Sharks still snapping at his feet? Was that sensation of lift, of above-ness, was it all just the flash before your eyes? Was Big Bad Date Rapist Reality just around the corner, ready to roofie Thad's punch?
He would have opened his eyes to see just where he was falling, but he didn't have any eyes to open. The wind whipped up past his face, he could feel the ground coming up towards him, and yet it wasn't possible for him to look down at the approaching earth. His consciousness had been yanked free of his body…
Wait, what about the closing door in chapter three…? I think that's a plot hole, mister!
---
Thad's ass was unexpectedly cushioned. His eyes, back in their head where they fucking well belong, darted around. To his left, a small bed covered in red sheets spotted with white, fading crusty stains. A number of pillows based on popular Japanese cartoon characters sat atop the divan. Shelves filled with action figures, comic books, unpublished screenplays, and disturbing pornography sat along one side of the room. White paint peeled off the bulwark, revealing hideous Australian themed wall paper. The door and windows where covered by browning particle board, grey nails barely protruding from each edge. Directly ahead was the cheapest, easiest to assemble computer desk college dropouts could buy with their mom's money. And even then the damn thing had been put together wrong.
And then Thad saw him. Crumbled up in a ball beneath the desk, a leather chair much like Thad's knocked on its side beside him, was a pathetic little creature. Naked, shivering, hairy, sweating, gut hanging over his barely notable privates, C-cup man tits, concave shovel ass, surprisingly toned legs… The young man, he couldn't be any older then seventeen, hugged his knees to his considerable belly, looked up at Thad with clear blue eyes, tears rolling down his red-flushed cheeks.
“Hey, you look familiar.” Thad remembered his dream, the Paul Hogan butterfly, the Nerd Shack, The Au… Oh my god.
“You're god.” Thad stood from his seat and started across the room. The trembling fatso reacted, pushing himself further under the computer desk, whimpering in beaten puppy fear.
He glanced up at the computer monitor and the words there. A one hundred and seven page Word document, typed in eleven sized Times New Roman print, because eleven looks tidier. Thad agreed and realized then that those thoughts had been put into his head by…
He looked down at the ball of pasty flesh beneath him, a yellow puddle of warm liquid forming under the fatty rolls. Scrolling through the pages, he caught quick glimpses of familiar events, all spelt out in the run-on-sentence, metaphor riddled, always-telling-and-never-showing style, included with confused tenses, shaky grammar, and occasionally the wrong words being used… And then Thad's sight floated up to the corner of the screen, to the document name.
His name. “Thad Gunter.”
Crouching, he looked under the black space of the desk. “Sir, you've got some big questions to answer.”
The Author's lower lip quivered and he whispered out a gruff reply, “If it's about the opening door in chapter three, I'm done talking about that.”
Indigent fury shot up from Thad's loins. He reached and grabbed the guy's ankle. Kicking and screaming like a newborn, he pulled the disturbed dramatist from his secluded hideaway.
“No Mommy, you can't make me fucking do my math homework! LEAVE ME ALONE WHORE! I'LL DO WHATEVER I WANT! YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! BUY ME TOYS! I HATE CLOTHES! I WANT TOYS!”
His rant deflated into infantile wailing, a high-pitch shriek. Thad's covered his ears while the naked boy randomly lashed out with every limb. Jesus, he looked like somebody dropped a ball of pizza dough and rolled it around a barber shop floor. The fat jiggled intensely.
“All right, I'm bored now.” Like a stern husband, Thad raised his hand, flattened out his palm, and delivered a mighty smack across the screaming man-child's face. His jiggling and intense warbling continued.
“Why the hell am I putting up with this BITCH! It's not like she's FUCKING me! She won't suck my dick and I'M ANGRY ABOUT IT!”
Jeez, still going, huh? Before another high-pitch scream could fracture his ear drums, Thad rounded back and delivered a hearty blow directly to the Author's considerable stomach. He oof-ed, his eyes bulging out for all of a second. He heaved, caught his breath and continued screaming nonsense.
“Mrs. Taylor, Steven Warner stole my Pokemon cards!”
“My God,” Thad swore under his breath. What was it going to take to get a straight answer out of this guy?
Like a wind up ass-kicking machine, Thad slowly wheeled his leg back and aimed his shoe before battering the poor son-of-a-bitch right in the balls. He stopped screaming, ranting, and swearing. The noise was caught in the middle of his throat. He cupped his traumatized testes.
Thad observed him, hands on his hips, eyes narrowed, watching with a mixture of contempt and curiosity. After the obvious pain had subsided, the boy righted the office chair and then pulled himself into it, grumbling the whole time like a retirement home resident who hadn't gotten his Jello yet.
“All right, all right, I'm done.”
Thad slammed his hand down onto the armrests of the chair and stared into the Author's eyes at his level.
“Hey man, is this a comedy serial or a place to release your self-loathing? Bring the funny! What the hell is wrong with you? If people wanted to know about your deep-rooted psychological issues, they'd read your blog.”
The Author pulled back, scorned, “More people read my blog then this mammoth thing.”
Thad rolled his eyes, constantly reaching new levels of fed-up-ness, “Christ, keep it in your pants, Ensign Emo.”
Grinning smugly, he motioned to his nakedness, “As you can clearly see, I'm not wearing any pants.”
Stars suddenly replaced his field of vision, his head reeling back from the five-fingered blast.
“PLARGH! You hit hard!”
Massaging his pained forehead, he groaned, “Next time, you're “Burn Notice” Bruce Campbell instead of “Maniac Cop” Bruce Campbell.”
Thad relished the opportunity to unleash a stern finger-wagging, “You owe me an explanation, Creator of My Universe.”
Still trying to rub the strain from his head, he quipped out another response, “Meaning of life? Don't ask.”
Thad prepared another fist while The Author all too willingly resumed cowering. Must be his thing or something.
“Why would you create Eaalhi and intentionally want to destroy your world?” Thad demanded to know.
The Author rolled his eyes and blew a small raspberry, tossing spittle into the air near Thad's face.
“Uh-duh, does “elements of drama” mean anything to you? Conflict is essential!”
That was that. Thad stop preparing another fist and proceeded to use it. The Author's head jerked back, his eyes rolling around in his head like billiard balls. He sneered through the pain and clenched teeth.
“Maybe I just want to destroy my toys?”
Nope, doesn't satisfy. Punch. Pain-y-pain-pain.
Gripping a sputtering nose, The Author attempted another answer, “It would be boring otherwise.”
Spinning Dragon uppercut to the bottom of the chin! Fal-con POWCH!
Streams of tears rolling down his face, blood tricking from his proboscis, the Author yelled back at Thad's continued abuse, pathetically, weakly.
“I'm a real fucked up kid and Eaalhi represents my self-destructive streak but mostly please stop hitting me!”
Thad marched away, realizing that was as straight an answer as he was going to get from this fat, lazy, little God. Peering up at the boarded-over window, he couldn't help but crack a smile. What a crazy ass world he lived in. No wonder his existence was so bat-nuts bonkers. Look at the creator! Dude's a fucking nutter butter bar.
The amusement was short-lived. If Eaalhi truly was some sort of Freudian representation of the Author's self-sabotaging tendencies, what were his chances of surviving this ordeal? With a person this obviously disturbed working the levers behind the curtain, what was going to prevent evil from succeeding? Or, at the very least, the tentacle monster from eating everyone?
Putting on his best, serious male model face, Thad returned to the whimpering young ward, whose red raw fingertips hovered over the keyboard, threateningly.
“Listen, am I going to make it through this?”
The Author glared over his shoulder, scowling a mighty scowl indeed. “Not if you keep hitting me.”
The serious face became even more serious, resembling a perturbed mother now, “I need to count on you. I know now that I can't do this on my own.”
The Author, scratching the dried blood from his upper lips, sighed and motioned to the computer, “Well, if certain nosey fictional characters with a tendency to punch people would leave me alone, I'd be more than happy to work on your problem.”
Thad had to talk on his level. Time to up the smarm.
“Seriously, don't squander your potential. Don't let your doubts - and I know they're huge, I've been there - but don't let them get you down.”
Putting his slender, girl-like fingers to good use, the boy pointed at the computer again. “You know, some people would consider me working on this instead of my sociology homework a waste of potential.”
Thad initiated eye-rolling mode, “Jeez, man, its sociology. It's not like it's a real science anyway. Bullshit your way through it.”
“See, you only agree with me because I wrote you.”
Stepping back, the heroic guy cleared his throat. Wow, it didn't take much to turn that frown upside down, now did it?
“So, uh, could you maybe do some favors for me while I'm up here?”
Turning back to his keyboard, the Author groaned, exasperated. “Oh, swell my balls, why don't you? Christ, you fictional characters are demanding.”
Thad, biting his lower lip in a gruff manner, motioned to the kid's face before slamming a closed fist into the open palm of his left hand.
Grumbling, The Author typed away, “Jesus Jones! Fine, consider it done.”
“But, wait, how do you know what I'm asking you to do?”
He huffed and puffed, pointing again to his head, as if motioning to an imagery crown there, “Hey, motherfucking Creator of the Universe here! I know fucking everything about you!”
Thad gulped, ashamed, “You mean, even the…?”
The Author smiled devilishly, in a slightly Silloc-like manner, “Oh yeeeaaah. Especially that.”
The typing started up again. Holding his arms across his chest, suddenly shy and defensive, Thad diverted his eyes to other areas of the room, murmuring out a question weakly.
“So, uh, how do I get out of here?”
The typing stopped like a scratching record. The Author, tugging his hair wildly, screamed, “FUCK! Flaming gay Jehovah on a pogo stick! Twinkle your toes and click your heels together.”
Figuring it best not to interrupt him again, lest Thad discover some sort of sentient swamp weed growing out of his urethra the next day, he decided to wing it. He slapped the Para-Deity Communiqué Apparatus on his head, randomly jabbed at some buttons and, uh, twinkled his toes and clicked his heels together.
---
Elmore, loyal Renn-Tech security guard, fell to the hallway floor, splashing in the puddle of blood. Overtaken in agony, he moved his arms, crawling back, looking on in horror at his lower body. Or, that is, where his lower body should have been, instead of the dragging guts and spine he saw. So obsessed with his sudden lack of anything below the waist, Elmore almost didn't notice the Lovecraftian Elder Thing pouncing on him. Almost, anyway. He didn't note much of the monster's details, but that huge razor filled mouth was pretty hard to ignore, even by recently bitten-in-half people. The spine slurping commenced.
Munching happily on its prey, the Thing paused as it swallowed. Damn, that one was still alive. He hated it when his food kicked and screamed on the way down, gave `em indigestion.
Belching in satisfaction, the creature rubbed its stated-for-the-moment belly with glee. The beast looked over the domain with a non-occupied eye, at the destruction and havoc it had just finished. It reflected on the tasty morsels he happily slaughtered and gulped up. It recalled how the soldiers where chased into this dead end, with the words “HAHA! U R BONED!” scrawled on the walls in large, foreboding black print.
First, it bunched up a tentacle, forming it into a pointed cone shape, before using the new angle to drill a guy's lower abdomen open. Following, a Porno-Bot was seized and tossed into the ceiling, its parts shattering and flying all over the place. Attention was then turned to a cowering fucker pressing himself against the wall. Tricky Elder Thing that it was, the creature sent out two small limps, punched through the bottom of the man's feet (Which the monster found rather ironic), and pulled his entire skeleton from his body. Thoroughly de-boned (again, ironic, considering the inscription on the wall.), the guard deflated like a balloon, his body squishing into its self, life fluids pooling beneath his boots.
Afterwards, only three remained. One of the annoying things shot a burning ray of light into the Elder Thing's eye. Pissed now, tentacles reached out to the shooter, grabbed him by his neck, and bent him backwards, his spine cracking pleasantly, before forcing his head, face-first, right up his own ass. His little arms flapped senselessly for a while before he finally expired, ass-stink embedded into his mind for the remainder of his life.
Hungry from all the carnage, the deadly critter lunched on the first thing it saw, which in this case was the only functioning Porno-Bot left in Renn-Tech proper. However, the android's taste was far from pleasant and its twitching form was spat out with great force, colliding with the last security guard. Upon impact, the fleeing coward was sour creamed into a fine, smooth pace.
But all of that was in the past now and all those mangled corpses were tastily snacked and stored away in the creature's digestive track. And now, the moment of thought come and gone, its great hunger stirred once again. Its eyes and arms frantically searched for more meat while its mouth could do nothing but salivated in famished woe.
But what it found wasn't meat. Instead, pulled forth by his inferred vision, the Thing happily grabbed at a small, square object of slight weight and design. Yes, it could smell skin and blood wrapped up and inside the pages, but an odd power, tangible even to the simple-minded squid-being, radiated from the book. Yes, book, that was the word.
The tome safely tucked away in a not in use chamber, the Elder Thing's senses alerted it in another direction. Yes, the crowds of people above would be far easier prey and certainly a smorgasbord to behold. But, defying all simple logic, he instead pulled itself towards a crumb on a floor below, a small collection of a few living things.
Dropping into the hole it came in through, the Elder Thing started out towards its desired after-lunch snack.
---
Sigh. Eaalhi smacked his lips, disappointed once again. Leaning over the bay door, he looked in at the high impact, extra-large teleportation chamber before him. His eyes scanned over the few objects within, the select items Eaalhi considered important and worth saving: a few rare occult texts, a collection of private journals and unique blueprints, that photo album of when him, Ashley, and mom all went to Canadian Disney World together… He really did hate to abandon the Renn-Tech building. He especially hated having to uproot his entire empire and relocate. The Manipulator, the Porno-Bot factory, the Elastic Anus Sauce, all things that were impossible to take along and all things he'd have to rebuild in the future. What a shame, second tries where never as fresh or interesting as the originals.
If he let the Elder Thing into the Real World, there was suppose to be more awesome world domination and less, you know, head eating. If he wanted to see that, he could just go up to sector six. His plans for world domination had failed spectacularly and Thad was, as far as he knew, still alive. It had been a long time since Eaalhi had encountered such intense levels of defeat. Oh well, he thought as he turned away from the chamber. Time to burn down and start over again. No need to dwell on the past. Such petty nostalgia was beneath him.
He stepped forward, looked up at the large, reinforced steel door, the secret control panel before the chamber, before his eyes came to rest on the trio of young woman sitting on a bench in the far corner. Well, perhaps, rest wasn't the correct word. He paid direct attention to their plastic surgery enhanced lingerie covered (Again, covered probably wasn't the right word) bodies. Their smooth skin, high perky bouncy breast, thin toned legs, slick tight tummies… Eaalhi was hardly a lascivious fellow but he wasn't one to deny natural instincts. The three beauties were the best Renn-Tech had to offer and the most successful of their industry actresses. Their erotica-vibes alone could power twenty Porno-Bots.
The redhead, dressed in a similarly colored sleek-cut bra and panties, painted her toenails. Glancing up from the work, she returned her employer's roaming eyes.
Speaking nasally, “Gee, Mr. Eaalhi, where exactly are we going on this trip?”
“Prague, Cindy, to the Renn-Tech Reserves, a bunker my partners from the World Crime Syndicate have prepared just in case of an emergency, such as this.”
The second girl, a black-haired tanned Hispanic hottie, dressed in a see-through blue nighty and matching thong, spoke up.
“What exactly is the nature of this emergency?”
“Well, Caliente, the exact details are classified. Let's just say a huge, many tentacles green monster is on the loose and will eat the heads of anything that gets in its way.”
The lovely Latino pursed her lips, “Oh. I guess that's a good reason to evacuate.”
Finally, the last of the girls said something. She was a simply pretty blond and wore a white fluffy cotton robe around her. As she sat up, her bare legs unfolded from the futon. Her head titled her at James.
A slight gritty reality broke through her Christian Valley High cheerleader voice, “This emergency wouldn't happen to have anything to do with the fruitcake that hassled me in my dressing room yesterday, would it?”
Eaalhi smiled at her words, “You are far more observant then I would have normally given you credit for, Miss Rudwalnagirctekahs. Yes, all of this is Thad's fault.”
The words forced another bitter taste into Eaalhi's mouth as he walked to the control panel. Ignoring the actresses' chattering behind him, he tapped his fingers over the touch-screen keyboard, typing in a covert key number. The control panel opened up, it's exterior splitting in two, while a large red button emerged from its insides. James couldn't stifle another sigh from rising in him as he read over the word inscribed around the button.
“SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE” rounded over its top while “IN CASE OF LOVECRAFTIAN HORROR” cornered around the bottom. Though few things gave him joy like pressing big red buttons, it was with a heavy heart that Eaalhi placed his palm down on the smooth surface.
Sighing once more, deeply disheartened, he pressed down. Sirens went off throughout the entire Renn-Tech building. Lights flashed, ringers rung, toilets flushed. A pre-prepared recorded message of Eaalhi speaking ushered from every available corner.
“Self destruct sequence activated. Renn-Tech HQ implosion occurring in twenty minutes.”
A timer appeared on the control panel, counting down by the seconds, threateningly. All of his work, all for nigh. The end was here.
Eaalhi shook it off and instead turned to face the girls and, more importantly, their enticing breasts, legs, asses, so on… Ah yes, now he remembered why they were coming with him. Stepping forward, he motioned to the teleportation chamber.
“Come along ladies. Daddy Eaalhi needs some cheering up. Besides, you've all got deep-throating skills to practice, I'm sure.”
Only then did he noticed that the girls weren't actually looking at him but pass him.
“Hey,” Cindy Smexxx extended her finger in the gesture commonly known as pointing, “There's a guy behind you.”
James spun around on his heel, his face contorting into the best possible nonverbal way to communicate “What the fuck?”
Standing before James Eaalhi, a strange moisture glimmering off of his as impeccable as always suit, was none other than Isaac Thaddeus “Thad” Gunter III, clenching his fist, his face showing stone determination.
Stuff happened. Eaalhi brushed his befuddlement aside and stared down Thad, employing his wide range of sinister abilities. And then, those sinister abilities totally failed him. Before he knew it, Thad had pulled his arm back and extended his fist, flat into Eaalhi's nose. In that brief interlude of seconds, the Renn-Tech company president was suddenly on his ass, blood gushing from his suddenly bent at an angle sniffer.
He glared up at this enemy, both hands pressed down on his shattered snout, a futile attempt to stop the flow of sticky sweat blood-stuff. Once again, he concentrated, hoping to call up some of that spooky joo-joo and reduced Thad from the image of a brave eighties action movie hero to the sniveling, cowardly comic relief. From James Bond to Felix Lieter, Bruce Willis to Reginald ValJohnson.
And yet, nothing continued to happen. Thad simply stared down at him, brave and singularly strong. And there Eaalhi was, cowering before him, limp-wristed and yellow-bellied. Something had happened, something had changed. It was then that Eaalhi spotted the Para-Deity Communiqué Apparatus, still slung around Thad's belt.
Both reached the conclusion at the same time but Thad spoke it first, whispering lowly, condescendingly. “You've been rewritten.”
“You… You son of a bitch. You changed the rules.”
“That's the only way to beat somebody like you, somebody who doesn't play by the rules to begin with.”
Thad leaned to face level with his downed nemesis, “And I have beaten you, Eaalhi. Make no mistake, you've lost.”
James growled, angrily, shook himself up from the ground. “Who the hell do you think you are? The game isn't over yet, Gunter! I've got one more…”
Thad reached out and poked a finger directly into the break of Eaalhi's nose, rendering him a whimpering bed-wetter once again.
“Yeah, that's what I thought.”
The threatening voice of the formerly fearsome James Eaalhi sounded over the sound system of the room, once again. “Renn-Tech HQ implosion occurring in nineteen minutes.”
Thad looked away from the squirming Eaalhi up and over to the three actresses. And there, among them, he saw her again. His Helen, as lovely as he remembered her… He stepped over Eaalhi, still nursing his smashed sneezer.
Thad spoke, retching words right from the bottom of his heart, “Helen, I know you don't remember me and I know everything we shared, it's all in the past now. But, I just want you to know, that my heart is always going to hold a small place for you. You we're the first girl I ever loved and you never really forget how that felt.”
The blond girl cocked her head at him and smiled, just the littlest bit. “Honey, those are sweet word, but I've got something to tell ya'. I'm not Helen.”
Thad's jaw, chiseled chin and all, dropped like a bag of overweight Oprah worshippers. Confusion set in immediately.
“Say wha'?”
Eaalhi, still writhing on the floor, thumbs pressed against nostrils, spoke through clenched teeth.
“Helen Maria Rudwalnagirctekahs is a teacher at a primary school in Maine. This is her twin sister, Stephanie Chandra Rudwalnagirctekahs.”
Stephanie smiled, proud of herself, “You might know me better by my stage name, Stephanie Screw. I won an AVN for `Giant Black Cocks in Tiny White Slots 26.'”
Still reeling from the revelation, Thad rubbed his forehead in confusion, “I'm, uh, not familiar with that one.”
“You should really seek it out! Definitely the high point of the `Giant Black Cocks in Tiny White Slots” saga. After that, it all went downhill. Shoddy production values, you know?”
The other two girls nodded in agreement, chattering conscious among themselves.
Trying to see through the fog of perplexity, Thad continued, “Twin sister, huh? Helen never mentioned you.”
Stephanie Chandra rolled her eyes, sighing, “That doesn't surprise me any. I was the black sheep of the family, Mom hated me. Ran away when I was fourteen to break into the industry. As long back as I can remember, I wanted to be an adult entertainment superstar…” She trailed off into a nostalgia-filled mist.
Still struggling to put all the pieces together, Thad confronted Eaalhi, who had now pulled himself up from his spot on the floor.
“A school teacher, huh? Are you telling me that, this whole time, that you never had Helen? That, throughout all of this, you tricked me with a very convenient twin sister? You could never actually corrupt Helen's spirit, could never actually bend her innocent mind to your twisted will?”
Eaalhi sighed, vehemently soured, “I suppose I could have, if I really wanted to. But, you know,” He pointed to Stephanie, “She's a really good actress.”
Stephanie blushed, “Aw, you. Now, I'm no better a screamer then these two.”
Cindy and Caliente smiled back at her, “Don't be so modest, Stephanie. You're obviously the best at gobbling cock around here.”
Putting her hand to her cheek (The one on her face), she answered, “Well, now I don't like to brag.”
The count down continued, “Renn-Tech HQ implosion occurring in eighteen minutes.” As if that wasn't ominous enough, the reinforced door to the room shuttered, bending inwards. An emerald, oily feeler, sensitive goose bumps covering the flesh, broke into the room, swishing through the air. From behind the barrier, an indefinable roar quickened the eardrums of all present.
Everyone within silently mouthed a collective statement of “Oh shit!” The five scrambled for the teleportation chamber, each one recognizing it for what it was. The porno queens filed through the door, shrieking in fear, arms flailing in horror, united together in feminine panic. Once inside, they hugged each other's semi-nude bodies, each secretly hoping that the other would be eaten first.
As Thad ran towards the compartment, an arm clamped around his neck, suddenly strangling his airway. He choked, pulled back against another man's chest.
The two spun around, Thad's eyes directed towards the front, as another squid-limb sleazed into the room, prying open the door. Eaalhi's harsh breath heated Thad's neck.
“No no, Gunter. No escape for you. These ships are going down together.” He laughed, criminal victory brimming in his voice.
“Only the captain goes down with the ship,” Thad reached back and grabbed Eaalhi's kaput beak, further twisting the gnarled cartilage. The villain snarled in distress while Thad rammed an elbow into his ribs. He then grabbed the villains arm and pulled, using his own weight against him, flipping him over shoulder
As Eaalhi slammed down on his back, two thoughts crossed his mind. First, he wondered when Thad had taken a Judo class. His second notion, he voiced. “That was a piss-poor excuse for a one-liner.”
“Sorry, best I could come up with.” Thad sniped back as he slammed the door of the teleportation chamber shut, locking it tight.
Thad's fingers tapped over the operation panel of the machine. He looked over at the frightened women and the pile of loose stuff, hoping to God that all of them wouldn't get Cronenberg-ed together into some sort of awful monstrosity during the process.
“Get us the hell out of here!” Stephanie screamed.
As he continued to explore the buttons, trying to figure out how the damn thing worked, he shot back, “No, no, not yet. There's still someone I have to save.”
The girls continued to scream, “What?”
“I can't take us out of the building yet. I can't leave her behind.”
Before they had any more time to protest, Thad pinpointed the location, he hoped, and slammed down on the activation button.
Eaalhi ran to the bay door, peered inside, just in time to see Thad, the actresses, and all his stuff de-atomize, transforming into blue particles of lights before shooting up towards the roof of the chamber and fading away. James pounded his fist against the glass, screaming in impotent rage.
“It was supposed to be me! Damn you, Thad Gunter! Damn you!”
A crush. Eaalhi turned around, palms still pressed to the glass. The door, for all its fortifications, was flung off its hedges, tossed aside like so much tissue paper. Filling the entire doorway, the Elder Thing, tentacles gyrating wildly, slithered into the room, towards Eaalhi.
A tree trunk thick limb coiled around his body, hefting him high, bringing him face to face with a great yellow eye. James shivered, staring into that abyss.
“Now, Mr. Elder Thing, hear me out, let me explain myself.”
The creature wasn't interested in his petty defenses. It brought James Trevor Eaalhi to the lips of one of its great many mouths. It pressed his head between the rows of serrated incisors. Eaalhi saw no need to hold back now. He kicked his arms and legs against the beast's strength, he screamed his head off, the cries echoing all the way down the monster's throat. But then those teeth clamped down, sliding easily through the flesh and bone, crunching Eaalhi's skull like a peanut shell. He didn't scream after that. The tentacle ratcheted back, tearing head from neck, tendons overextending and snapping.
The Elder Thing held the body there, watching the crimson liquid spurt and spill from the now suddenly very roomy neck. A sign of interest almost flickered across its reptilian eyes. But the sign was short lived. The creature shoved Eaalhi's still twitching corpse into its bottomless gullet, crunching, chewing, and then swallowing him down. That much was over.
Now, there was more to do, more lives left to swallow, more carnage to create. Blood splattered against the speakers, Eaalhi's voice calmly filling the room again.
“Renn-Tech HQ implosion occurring in seventeen minutes.” The countdown to doom continued…
---
Once again, Thad was faced with a floor racing up towards him. As he pulled his face from the grey Renn-Tech carpeting, he had a thought. Why the hell did the teleportation always have to drop him? What the hell was wrong with bringing people to on their feet?
He looked over his shoulder. The three girls also shook their heads and peeled themselves from the floor, the pile of books on top and around them.
“Is that what teleportation feels like?” Cindy Smexxx, rubbing her head, asked.
“Yeah, it takes some getting use to.” Thad stood up, brushing his suit off. “Listen, you girls stay here. I'll be back as soon as possible.”
Stephanie shook an indigent finger at him, “Fuck you, Thad. We're not staying here, waiting to become squid-monster feed. You'll just have to deal with us following you.”
The other two girls followed her lead, snapping their bodies around, pointing their fingers in his face like the best of synchronized dancers. “Yeah, deal with us!” they spoke in unison.
“Okay, jeez.” He headed down the hall, the tapping of their footsteps behind him, “You know I always assumed porn stars would be a little more subservient.”
“Pig.” Caliente shouted back, her heavy accent showing.
Thad's eyes roamed the hallway, looking up at the identical walls. Ah, gee, forgot about that. He yanked the map from his jacket pocket. He pulled at the paper, attempting to unfold the pages of the multi-folded sheet. Goddamn it, why did they have to make these things so complicated to fold?
“Hey, what are we looking for, exactly?” Caliente asked again.
Still struggling with the map, Thad answered, “We're looking for the hospital ward.”
“Well shit,” Stephanie speaking, “Why didn't you just say something? We know our way around this section as well as we know the circumcision scars on John McHugecock's dick.” She grabbed the back of his shirt collar, pulling him in reverse, choking him just a tiniest bit.
Thad followed her lead, the three scantily clad women running before him, two of them balancing amazingly on those ridiculous transparent plastic high heels. His eyes traced up from their shoes, up their legs, to… Oh man. Shame.
“You know, Thad, you'd get things done a lot quicker if you just asked a few, reasonable questions. You're kind of an asshole, that way, you know?” Stephanie continued leading the group.
Cindy and Caliente look at one another and nodded, agreeing.
Thad could only look at his feet, trying to hide his weak-willed Japanese man nosebleed. (Author's Note: Anime nerds will get that joke.)
Eaalhi's voice suddenly appeared in Thad's ear, making him jump just the tiniest bit in fear. “Renn-Tech HQ implosion occurring in sixteen minutes.” Oh shit. It was never-ending, wasn't it?
“And, conveniently, here we are.” Helen's sister stopped and motioned to the hallway full of doors.
Thad ran ahead to each, peering inside, calling out, “Rachel! Are you here? Rachel!”
Empty beds and treys were all he saw. Abandoned meals halfway eaten, TVs still buzzing mindlessly. She wasn't here, somebody had already evacuated the health-care sector.
Or so he thought. He slammed on the breaks, his shoe-souls scratching against the floor, upon coming to the last door in the hall. Within the room, the body of the comatose Rachel Merchawitz, still hooked up to her IV, wrists still bandaged, was being lifted up by a well-meaning Nurse Droid, its cap still secure atop its orb.
“Rachel!” Thad shouted before heading into the room. The Nurse Droid spun around, a single red optical lens staring him down. A collection of robot arms, each topped with scalpels, surgical scissors, forceps, or syringes, extended from the machine center. It charged at him.
Thad, after squealing properly like an infantile female, jumped back and forth, amazingly dodging each strike with Michael Jackson agility and just narrowly avoiding becoming a live vivisection test subject. He jumped down, slid across the linoleum on his belly, below the robot, its spindly arms flinching above him. Thad break danced back to his feet only to have to duck again, narrowly avoiding a surgical slice to the cranium, instead only gaining a spiffy new, if very brief, haircut.
“Renn-Tech HQ implosion occurring in fifteen minutes.”
Desperate times called for desperate measures. Pointing urgently behind the `bot, Thad shouted out, “Hey, look! An orphan with tuberculosis!”
The Nurse Droid spun around, dropping its various implements of doctoral cutting, cooing calmly, ready to nurse. Thad made quick movements, snatched an out-of-use IV pole from the bedside, and plunged the shaft down into the center of the machine's white cap. It screeched, rough gears and servos grinding to a sudden halt, it's the arms tightening and then falling limp. Oil squirted from the hole, staining the white fabric atop, as the machination drooped to the floor, its floating abilities terminated along with the rest of its functions. Thad twisted the dowel, just to make sure he wouldn't turn around and immediately get stabbed with a speculum. Peering down at the twitching thing, a tinge of sympathy couldn't help but stir in Thad.
“Uh, sorry about that, robot. I know you were just doing your job.”
There was little time for sympathy, especially for robots. He turned to Rachel, sleeping, almost peacefully. He reached out, gingerly, held her shoulders, jostled ever so slightly. She remained unaffected. He moved his hand a little to the right, flattening out his palm, and patted her cheek, to little outcome. Thad gulped, knowing he'd get a punch to the gut later for this. Out of all the women he least wanted to slap, Rachel would definitely make it into the top ten, under Power Girl but ranking slightly above Joan Crawford. Never the less, he reeled back and slapped her forcefully against the face, smacking her like the best of spousal abusers. (Which is kind of an oxymoronic statement.)
Like a corpse's erection, Rachel shot up straight, stunned into activity. Instinctually, her tiny fingers curled into a fearsome fist and were then rammed into Thad's spleen. He doubled over. She hits a lot harder then you'd think, okay?
Rachel, her hand still resting `tween Thad's folds, blinked, confused, and continued to blink for a few minutes.
“Um, did I do that for a reason?”
Filled with pain, Thad groaned out an answer, “You mean you don't remember me slapping you?”
“You slapped me? You douche-weasel!”
The fist removed itself from Thad's gut, rearranged itself and then delivered a smooth blow to his left cheek. Rubbing the red spot, Thad could only blow a puff of breath.
“Glad to have you back, Rach. Good to see your nerves weren't damaged.”
Rachel held up her wrist, eyeing the fresh bandages there. “What the hell did I do to myself?”
“You don't remember that either?”
Rachel patted her head, “Everything's kind of blurry. Did I get drugged up with something?”
“Uh, yeah, probably, listen…” Thad's anxieties were only increased when another announcement broke over the intercom.
The tone in the pre-recorded Eaalhi's voice seemed to rise in excitement, “Renn-Tech HQ implosion occurring in fourteen minutes!”
She paused and pointed to the heavens, “Is that important?”
Thad carefully jiggered the IV from her arm before hefting the girl onto his shoulder, a white pair of panties exposed through the opened hospital gown.
Surprised by either his own strength or her general lightness, Thad made an all-encompassing statement, “Wow, you're in good shape.”
Rachel beat against his back, “Thad, I don't appreciate being man-handled like this. And what the hell's going on?”
Thad rushed to the door, “Sorry, no time to explain.” He capped that statement by gracefully conking Rachel's head on the passing doorframe.
“ARGH! You dunce-capper!” Another fist was balled and another blow struck against Thad's person. He took it in stride, too focused on getting the hell out of the soon to be exploding building.
Bobbing along with his running motions, Rachel noticed the other females in her presence. In particular she noticed their outfits.
“Casual Friday, huh?”
Stephanie matched her sarcasm with matter-of-fact-ness. “Actually, we dress like this all the time.”
Huffing and puffing for breath, Thad pointed behind himself to the others, “Uh, Rachel, meet Cindy, Stephanie, and… I'm sorry, what was you're name?”
The token ethic member spoke up, “Caliente.”
Rachel was quick to be glib, “Like Caliente Pockets?”
“Sure.”
Thad turned a corner taking extra effort not to bump anybody on any walls, “Stephanie is Helen's sister.”
Rachel now rested her head in her hand, getting as relaxed as possible considering the circumstances, “Really? Thad's never mentioned you.”
“Yeah, he wouldn't. But it explains a lot, doesn't it?”
“Sure does. So,” She motioned to their skimpy wares, “You three are porn stars?”
Cindy scoffed, “We prefer adult entertainer.”
“Uh-huh. So, how's the pay?”
Stephanie played ball, “Not bad once you get pass the shame. And the stretching. And the bleaching. And the choking. And the bleeding. And the…”
“Hmm. Okay, you know what? Never mind.”
Once again, “Renn-Tech HQ implosion occurring in ten minutes!” Shit, either time was speeding up or Eaalhi was skipping numbers.
She knocked gently on Thad's head, “Hey, coach, any idea where we're going?”
“It should be right around here. You know, Rachel, you're pretty calm considering the whole building's about to blow up.”
“Holy shit, the building's about to blow up? That explains the announcements.”
Stephanie yelled ahead, “Are you sure you know where you're going?”
As Thad came to a stop, he yelled back. “Am now.”
Right where he left it, in-between “Terror Management” and the supply closet. The inscription on the open door read in bold print, “Company Head Office: Current Resident: James Eaalhi.”
There going to have to change the name on the door, now, Thad thought as he stepped inside. He carefully put Rachel down and went to rummaging through Eaalhi's desk.
“You know,” Stephanie stepped through the passageway, “Thad, this might be a bad time to steal the boss' pens.”
Pulling a drawl open and aside, a number of papers, pencils, and bootleg “Digimon” DVDs fell to the floor. Thad looked around the vacated space.
“Eaalhi has a private elevator, I know he does.”
“A private elevator? Oh gee, I'm not sure if that's possible, Thad.” Cindy logically stated, “The walls probably aren't thick enough.”
Normally, Thad wouldn't have had the courage to stick a hand into anything that once belonged to James Eaalhi. But he knew what he was looking for, he knew because he asked it to be put there.
A button was found and pressed. A bookcase slide aside, revealing a fancy elevator door with a fine Mahogany finish.
“Oh,” Cindy gasped, “Logic be damned I guess.”
As the group of five quickly filed into the lift, Stephanie peaked out her curiosity, “How did you know that this was here?”
“I know the guy who built it. Explain later.”
Thad's fingers quickly found the proper keys. Positive Sector, ground floor. That's what he wanted. He hit it, the doors slammed shut and the whole thing ascended at a speed far beyond the capabilities of a regular elevator. Time must be going quicker as well, for another voice entered the room,
“Renn-Tech HQ implosion in nine minutes! Single digits, people!” The recording did everything but laugh. Even from beyond the grave, Eaalhi mocked Thad's efforts.
The elevator winded, far more efficient and smooth then any of the other's Thad had noticed in the building. He watched the lights flick on and off, passing floors and reaching new ones. The Negative Sector drifted by, the elevator bringing them back to the surface.
An awkward silence fell over the room. What does one talk about, exactly, when running full sail in the opposite direction from utter doom?
“So, uh,” Stephanie coughed, “You knew my sister, huh?”
“Uh, yeah.” Thad coughed back, “We dated.”
“Really?”
“Yeah-huh.”
More silence. Rachel sneezed, and then there was silence again. Cindy hummed a merry little tune. The elevator continued to whine, just under everybody's sense.
“Wow, this elevator is fast.” The Spanish girl said.
“Uh-huh, “Yep,” “Sure is.” Everyone followed.
And with that the elevator jerked violently to a stop. Thad was airborne for a second before stumbling to the floor, jolted by the sudden end.
“What the hell was that?” Rachel cried, rubbing her back.
As if answering her, a god awful roar echoed up from beneath them. An ooze-dripping grabber punched through the floor, the steel tearing open like a tin can. The squid-bit flapped around, twitching, lashing at anything that moved.
Which, it just so happened, was everybody in the elevator. The general reaction to a monster arm breaking into the room is for everyone to get as far away it as possible. Thad admitted, in his mind, as awful as the looming threat of head-digestion-by-C'thulu-lite was, it was slightly more preferable to the stilled elevator conversation.
The elevator jostled to and throe, pulled and pushed by the Elder Thing's strength. Rachel and Stephanie clung to Thad's side, the one screaming, the other burying her face in his shoulders, Thad wasn't sure which. His attention was focused elsewhere.
He had entered survival mode again, desperately scanning over the whole box, locating and analyzing every possible exit. The front doors surely wouldn't be much help as they were in mid-ride when they stopped. And nobody wanted to go back down, to face the monster as well as be caught in the bowels of Renn-Tech when the whole thing went up like Chinese New Year. No no no, instead, he spotted the hatch at the top of vertical transport vehicle.
“Quick, girls, follow me!”
Acting like the best of high school doorway slappers, Thad leapt across, over the furiously fapping phalange, his fingers extended, grabbed the small steel ring, and, upon coming down on the other side of the cage, had successfully opened the square doggie door within the ceiling.
“Wow,” turning to Cindy and Caliente, “those basketball lessons really paid off.”
Not needing any further hints, Stephanie hefted Rachel up on her shoulders and she crawled up through the passageway. Proving her girl-scout credentials, Rachel extended her hand down and help pulled the blond up after her. Thad, making sure to maneuver around the still angry tentacle, went up next, with Cindy and Caliente following behind.
Standing atop the cage, the group looked around, noticing a distinct lack of cables in the shaft.
“It must be one of those compressed air elevators,” Rachel yelled over the whining in the lift way and the monster's screaming below them.
The compartment tremored again, the monster pushing more and more to get to them. From outside, just barely, hauntingly, audible, another warning from Eaalhi filtered through the air.
“Implosion in eight!” He cackled, enjoying his postmortem revenge a little too much.
“Ladder!” Thad drew their attention to the ascending, parallel bars protruding from one side of the shaft.
Stephanie and Rachel launched ahead, pushing Thad to the side, as if they were eager `tweens fighting for shotgun in Grandma's mini-van. After dusting off his pride, Thad climbed up as well, the other two less important characters jumping behind.
Time was tight, though. Light could be seen peaking out at the tap of the shaft, not far away at all. Under normal circumstances, it would be a brisk, easy climb. But you try doing anything with a giant, flesh eating deep-sea beast snapping at your heels.
Speaking of heels, Caliente was about to find out you shouldn't climb ladders in them. Her fetishist footwear slipped and fell from her foot, unhinging her grip on the ladder. She now dangled precariously by one hand.
Her heels clatter to the lift below, the sound reverberating up to Thad's ears. He looked down, now attracted even further by her panicked screams. Signaled by the noise, the elevator cage tore apart. The Elder Thing's tentacles exploded out through the top, flooding the cramped space.
Cindy screamed back, “Caliente!” and reached out a hand for her sister-in-spirit. But it was too late. The monster pulled her down, tore her body asunder, a blood bath spraying upwards. Her hand, still death-gripped to the ladder bar, continued to dangle.
Cindy screeched once more, her face now splattered with her friend's insides. Her eyes, shut tight, stung from the hurled hemoglobin. Blindly, she went ahead, feeling her way up the ladder. (Usually people were feeling her up, but I digress…)
The monster's tentacles, unspooling from the elevator like a literal can of worms, redirected themselves. They latched around the rim of the exploded car, squeezing its body up through the space, octopus style.
The remaining four scuttled up the bars, the elevator door at the opposite end of the shaft, well within their reach. The thin line of light shone out into Stephanie's eyes, as if mocking the group's attempt to escape. Further honing home the mocking was another urgent message, delivered all too flippantly.
“SEVEN MINUTES UNTIL IMPLOSION!” Eaalhi's voice sang out over the area, Michael Bolton style.
“Hey, how the hell are we going to get out of here?” Stephanie screamed.
Rachel glancing down at the quickly approaching Elder Thing screamed back at her, “Better think of something quick or we're squid bait!”
Thad couldn't be so articulate. Upon looking down at the encroaching maw of flailing teeth and tentacles, he could only scream in as high a pitch as manageable, amplified by the echo-friendly environment of the elevator shaft.
Cindy, eyes still plastered over with ketchup shade gore, could only shake her head back and forth in confusion, “What am I missing?”
Sliding up the slick surface like a curling stone, the Elder Thing, claws, teeth, and all, bared down on them, ready to feast…
---
“HULA!”
Leopold Humperdinck yelled at the tops of his lungs. He shimmied his hips, his memorandum hula skirt slinking around his waving legs. Atop his head sat a pointed crown made of empty print carriages and in his fist a paper clip spear. Before him, a bonfire of filing cabinets and cubical walls sat, blazing brightly. The former office drones, each dressed in savage wears composed of adding machines, laminators, and novelty USB plug-ins, danced around the fire, chanting along with their leader.
“Brothers! We have been forced into segregation too long! We must rebel against our corporate masters, crush them, place their heads on pikes, and engage in heathen savage blood orgies!”
“Wait, blood orgies? I don't know how I feel about that,” a bespectacled female secretary, cone paper water cups tied around her small chest while hole punches dangled around her waist.
Leopold groaned in disappointment, “Seriously, no love for the blood orgies? Who doesn't love to cut themselves and fuck?”
The others stared at him, concerned.
“Yeah, Leopold, I think you're implementing your secret desires on the rest of us. And, you know, I don't remember voting for you.”
“Voting?” Leopold hefted his aluminum spear, “This isn't a goddamn democracy here! I'm the tyrant ruler! Obey me!”
“Hey, whoa-whoa,” the glasses girl spoke up again, “You're becoming just like the leaders we're rebelling against. That's not cool.”
Tossing his crown aside, Leopold stepped down from the bonfire, “Fine. Whatever. You guys just rule yourselves.”
The other watched him leave, carefully, scrutinizing. As soon as Humperdinck had taken the corner, they raised their weapons and screamed, “BLOOD ORGY!”
Leopold certainly wasn't out of earshot. Man, he hadn't felt this ostracized since high school AV club.
Shoulders slump, he marched through the wreckage strewn typing pool, knee deep in water from overturned coolers. He sighed, his depression only increased by the incoming announcement over the sound system. Even Eaalhi's usually chilling voice couldn't affect Mr. Humperdinck's mood.
“Renn-Tech HQ heading to Implosion-pa-looza in five minutes, bitches! HAHA!”
Implosion? Leopold knew he should've brought his thesaurus with him today. Instead of pondering the meaning of oblique utterances, he waded over to the elevator. Maybe something cool was going down on floor five.
He pressed the button, the door opened, water spilling out into the surprisingly empty shaft. And, as if all his dreams were coming true, two attractive women, both dressed in sheen fabrics, leapt from the door and pounced upon Leopold's supple, boyish body.
“Oh,” Blushing beet red, Leopold chuckled as he looked to the hot blond in a bathrobe to his right and the cute redhead in a hospital gown to his left, “How are you ladies?”
“Shove off, nerd!” Stephanie got to her feet and sped off. Rachel sneered back at him, following her.
Before he could even release a mighty sigh, encompassing his depression into a single sound, a broad-shouldered, chiseled chinned, raven-haired hero also jumped from the elevator towards Leopold. The man glanced around before giving Leopold a spare look,
“Mister, you better get going.” Before he too sped off.
Reality denied him time enough to process things once again as somebody else climbed up through the doors. Another sweet redhead, this one of ample bosom and backside, dressed only in fancy red underwear, stepped out towards him. Her eyes where closed, her hands reaching around blindly.
“Hey, is someone there?” Cindy said.
Giggling ecstatically, Leopold could only stammered out a response as he took her by the waist and walked away. “Uh, miss. I'm here for you.”
“Oh, thank you. You sound so kind.”
Leading her away from the gapping elevator, he chuckled again, “You don't know the half of it.”
He thought to himself, looking the hottie up and down again, this day was only getting better. Maybe the best day of his life? Well, what happened next in that broom closet over there would determine that. Gee, think she'd go for anal? Oh, yeah, I bet…
Those prepubescent, pornographic thoughts were cut short by the Elder Thing decimating the wall behind them, seizing both with mighty tentacle-y grasp, and shoving the sparsely clothed pair into a mouth. Their blood was pleasant and frosty tasting, like a good root beer. The damned thing gulped them down and rampaged on.
---
“Everybody, out of the way! Parties over!”
Thad shouted as he led Stephanie and Rachel through the all-ready in progress blood orgy. He didn't have the time or tolerance today to stop and gawk at the acts being performed around him. All he knew for certain is that they were rightfully illegal in at least five states. He mind wasn't really on the debauched partiers.
“Implosion-a-rama coming to Renn-Tech HQ in FOUR minutes, spuds!” The recorded Eaalhi laughed wickedly once again. The demonic call resonated from around the corner, signaling the Elder Thing's arrival.
Ah, yes, there was where his mind was, the potentially exploding, excuse me, imploding, building beneath him and the flesh-hungry eldritch horror behind him. And it wasn't just his own life at stake, but Rachel and Stephanie's as well. He had to make it out of here, for their sakes.
Distracting the group further, a middle age man, dressed in the wrecked remains of a copy machine, covered in blood and some as yet other unidentified substances, stepped out before them.
“Hey, sexy ladies, you want to join our blood orgy?”
No response was necessary. The three simply screamed at the fellow and pushed him away, navigating pass all the bloody stump effing and fluid drinking. There had to be a way out of this insanity. Was there any place here that wasn't corrupted by Renn-Tech's madness?
As if on queue, the Elder Thing loomed into the room, every one of its arms lashing about. Its eyes stared in at the gory party favors, savage office drones, a convenient buffet for the hungry monstrosity. The party goers paused their sexy, bloody festivities. The whole group turned to face the being.
They yelled in excitement, tossing their crude weapons made from staplers and floppy discs. The projectiles bounced harmlessly off the creature's elastic body. But the drones moved onward, rushing proudly, happily into the scaly, slimy, smelly hook-toothed and fang-clawed face of death.
Trying to ignore all the chaos behind them, the three instead ran ahead, looking for a way out. Instead, all they found was a huge, heavy water cooler overturned in front of, apparently, the only door out of the room.
“Stephanie, don't you know another way out of here?” Thad yelled over the sounds of squishy demise.
“I spent most of my time down in Negative Sector! I don't know my way around up here.”
Rachel, despair slipping into her face, “So, we're fucked? We're fucked! Holy shit, we are eff-you-see-kay-ed!”
“Uh,” Thad's head whipped around, from the blocked exit, to the pissed monster, to the horde of insane office workers it was currently devouring. And then, another threat reared its well-manicured head.
“Uno, deus, tres! Tres minutes left `til implosion!” You could easily see Eaalhi dancing around as he spoke those words into the recorder.
“Yeah,” Thad picked up the dangling sentence, “We're fucked.”
Stephanie immediately started weeping, “No! I'm too good looking to die! I have so many young, hopeful adult entertainers left to inspire!”
She fell forward, wrapping her arms around Rachel. For once, Rachel didn't push or fight back. Instead, she simply reciprocated the hug, looking ahead at the approaching death dealer with a blank, dreadful stare. For once, she had no pithy utterance or witty comeback prepared. Facing down eminent demise can do that to a person.
Thad's mind raced. The two women cowering before him stirred something inside of him. He had to do something, whatever it took. He couldn't fight that monster, it wasn't possible. He didn't have super strength and wasn't armed with some usefully placed occult weapon or talisman. Except for…!
He grabbed the Para-Deity Communiqué Apparatus up from his belt. Shaking a fist at the heavens, he bellowed,
“You son of a bitch, I've read your book! This better work twice!”
Strapping the helmet to his head, random buttons pressed, Thad grabbed a hold of Rachel and Stephanie, hoping for the best. At least if they got eaten, they'd be eaten together. A blue light appeared again, drawling color from the surroundings, covering the trio.
He whispered to them, “Hold on girls. I don't know if this'll work.”
And at that point, Thad did what he was best at, his trademark, his stock reaction to times of intense stress: He passed out.
---
A tinge of logic broke in the Elder Thing's simplistic mind. Its intuitive senses acted up. Something was out of order. A basic rule of physics had been broken, a basic rule that, even as a Lovecraftian Elder Thing, it was forced to follow and obey. It was unreal and out-of-place, a sense of unreality.
It was as if nothing was real. It seemed like a common fact, something everyone should know. Even if it is likely that what you see before you could somehow fit in with whatever reality you are familiar with, keep in mind that everything is nothing but a big fat old lie. If it seems real, and if something seems to confirm it's real, even then, it's not real. It must be a cruel joke.
Yes, a joke. Humor was an alien concept to the alien but, in that brief flash of a moment, it understood. Yes, ha… Ha. A joke, everything. Words written to be humorous, to entertain. All of existence…Very funny.
Its prey, the man and two women, vanished into thin air, disobeying all logical rules of the universe. Such a blatant disregard for the sort of common rules even accepted by monsters from the deep reaches of space obviously meant that something was amiss.
Suddenly, the Elder Thing's hunger, its need to kill and devour, diminished and faded. What was the point anymore?
Upon one of the multiple downed computer monitors, the screen flicked to life and a pixilated moving image appeared. James Eaalhi, pom-pom in each hand, danced, singing a song,
“IM-PLO-SION! READY! RIGHT! NOW!” He rubbed the balls of colored paper together, raising his hands excitedly, “Gooooooo, RENN-TECH! WHOO!” Laughing, the tyrant stepped ahead looking directly out of the screen.
“Buh-buh now. See you all in Hell.” And then the screen went dead.
Somehow, the Elder Thing thought, that was directed towards him.
---
The Renn-Tech building stood in peace. The Positive Sector tower, standing tall and strong. The Paradox Smokestacks, happily pumping thick poisonous smog into the air, effectively holding temporal reality in place. A billboard stood at the edge of the encampment, proudly displaying two phrases. The first, written in large bold print, read “RENN-TECH: Secretly controlling the world since 1996.” Beneath that, printed in slightly smaller but no less bold print was the company motto and personal credo: “Stay the fuck out of our business.” The sun shun brightly in the sky. Birds sang. God is in his heaven and all is right with the world.
And then the whole goddamned thing exploded.
The ground cracked, erupted upward. The perimeter of the asteroid crater became clear as a fissure encircled the company head-quarters. The entire building shook, its very foundation obliterated. A second explosion rocked the earth, shooting fire and debris into the sky. The grassy surface gave way, the smokestacks, the office building, even the cheery billboard, all plummeting down below, amidst the raging fire and flinging particles. The rooms where sucked into the burning maelstrom, prompting another explosion to start up from the crack. A mighty mushroom cloud filled the sky and blocked out the sun, blinding all eyes that dare look into its intense brightness. The rings of devastation spread out, giving way to a plume of smoke rising high into the heavens. Just beneath the deafening noise of doom, if you listen closely enough, a faint cry could be heard, the death throes of a godless damnation, a thing once immortal, atomize along with the rest of the establishment, cast back into the Pit where it belonged.
Slowly, it dissipated away, leaving little fallout in its wake. Now, only a deep, smoldering pit remained, a high mountain of rubble peaking out at the rim of shadows. Grey smoke billowed up from the depths, the remnants of the few dying fires below. The stillness resumed once again.
A minute passed, that stillness remaining. And then, on the edge of the crater, a blip of light. Three blips of light, in fact. Through the grey fog, Thad, Stephanie, and Rachel reappeared, all coated in a thin layer of moisture. Thad walked over to the edge of the crater and looked at the devastation around them. The girls remained stationary, holding onto one another, a confused expression on each face.
Steph spoke first, “So, that was…?”
Rachel, her words equally unsteady, continued those thoughts, “Yeah.”
“I just wouldn't think…”
“But, you know, it explains a lot.”
“But, you know, it explains a lot.”
“I'm going to take some time to digest this.”
“Me too. Hey, let's go talk to Thad.”
“Good idea.”
First thing first. Thad removed the Para-Deity Communiqué Apparatus from his head and placed it flat on the ground. Exploring the area, he seized the first sturdy stone he found. He lifted the rock over his head and brought it down with equal strength. The miniature boulder cleaved the helmet in half, smashing and severing its delicate wires and servos. The noise it made upon breaking felt good, final.
Thad stepped up to the edge of the enormous dip in the ground, still holding the Apparatus. He looked below, whistling. Whoo. That was a big fall, even down to the pile of rubble. It would be unlikely that any one would want to go down there and fish something out, unless they either had a death wish or were such a bunch of clueless assholes that they didn't know any better.
He studied the device one last time. It was an amazing device, truly, and could be use to do great things. But Thad knew that would never happen. Humanity, as it was, never used its gift for good. They just didn't. Putting that all away, he tossed the Apparatus into the crater. It whizzed through the air before finally clattering down into the debris below, into the shadows.
“Finally,” he spoke, “The whole damned awful business is put to rest, once and for all.”
The girls walked over, unsure. He seemed to be in deep concentration, focusing on the fall below. Rachel, cautious, reached out and tapped him on the shoulder with a delicate finger. He looked to her, alert.
“So,” Rachel's eyes also went to the crater, “Is that thing… Dead?”
“Well, I'm not sure, really,” Thad scratched his head, “If it isn't dead, it's buried beneath what has to be hundreds of pounds of rubble.” He looked her in the eyes, “Either way, I wouldn't stick around here much, just in case.”
“Yeah, good idea.” Rachel looked him, deep in the eyes. Thad couldn't help but wonder what she was looking for. He was a man, so of course he didn't know. Instead, she looked away, wrapped her arms around herself.
“Gee, you know, this hospital gown isn't exactly flattering, my ass hanging out and everything. I'm a long way from home, Thad. Not even on the right coast.” She chuckled, smiling slyly. “You sure have dragged me all over this country.”
“Yeah, I guess I have.” He rubbed the back of his neck, a little nervous, “I hope you're not mad at me. I mean, I'm sort of responsible for all the bad shit that's happen to you.”
Rachel chuckled again, “Yeah, I could be mad at you, pretty easily actually. And I would be. You know,” she pointed to her head, “Not exactly the most forgiving personality.”
Thad laughed a little too, nodding, “I know, that's why I was worried.”
“But, I'm not mad,” Her voice became much softer, “Just because it's really hard to stay mad at you, Thad. Just because that's how you are.” Her tone changed again, going back to irrelevant, “You did save my life and all. So I guess it's all paid back.”
They both laughed now, finally breaking through that cloud of anxiety.
Thad felt another hand on his other shoulder, a full palm, and then another hand on his chest. He looked and saw Stephanie, clinging to him, her bathrobe slouching open.
“Speaking of saving lives,” She smiled, a lascivious tone sneaking into her voice, “You saved mine, Thad, in a big way. I mean, even if you did sorta' destroy my place of employment, you still saved my life. So, any favors you want from me, you'll get.”
She traced the symbol of a heart against his chest. “Got any favors?” Leaning in, she whispered into his ear, “Any sexy favors?”
Thad stepped away, removing her hands carefully. He cleared his throat, hesitated for a moment, and then answered.
“Actually, there is something you can do for me.”
TO BE CONCLUDED.