Other Fan Fiction ❯ [MSTing] Hunza Diet Bread ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)


(The future isn't what it used to be....)


"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SHORTY!)

EPISODE 6: HUNZA DIET BREAD

(A MSTing of a Spam E-Mail)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz

This is a MSTing of an advertisement created by another company.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....

* * *


>Based on 2000 Year Old Recipe


Tom: Straight from Mel Brooks's kitchen!

Crow: You take some eggs... then some mushrooms....


>Housewife In New York Accidentally
>Invents A Bread That Miraculously
>Stops Your Appetite And Hunger


Tom: ...this HAS to be a joke, right?

Crow: Side Effects Include Capitalization Of All Your Words.

Joel: Next, New York Woman Decides to Invent Substance that
Washes Dishes, Quenches Thirst, and Comes Down from the Sky!


>HUNZA DIET BREAD is said to beat all fad diets hands down. It's
>the fastest, painless way to lose weight.


Crow: Except for the raging constipation and anal bleeding as it goes
like granite through your system...

Tom: Maybe it acts as a diet suppressant?

Joel: <person> I have... water, Hunza bread, and my shoes... naw,
I'm not hungry.


>By Allen Perry,
>Special feature writer (Champlain, NY)


Joel: <reporter> Well, I'm still here, twenty-five years after the
Lake Placid Olympics... New York Times, can you PLEASE assign
me something else!?


>Here is a message to all you genius research scientists trying to
>find a painless way for people to lose weight. It's been done!
>Not by a scientist, but, by a housewife.


Crow: It's called shame and boy does it work.

Tom: Proving once again that homeopathy is STILL better than
years of research! Take that, established science!


>Being hailed here as the weight loss method of the century, HUNZA
>DIET BREAD is rolling out like a juggernaught!


Crow: Juggernaught shall be spared on spellchecking.

Joel: Actually, it's proving to be as frightening as Sabretooth and as
sinister as Magneto right now...


>The bread was discovered by accident, Irene Sette, wife of a
>health researcher, was trying to duplicate a 2,000-year-old, high
>roughage bread


Tom: The recipe calls for five carrots, thirteen prunes and a cord of
red cedarwood.


>used by the little known civilization of Hunza. The Hunzas were being
>studied by her husband.


Joel: <husband> And according to Sid Meier, the Pyramids were
built in... Dusseldörf.

Crow: <husband> How can a civilization be created? Hmm... maybe
I should rent "Krippendorf's Tribe" again.


>The Hunzas are considered to be the healthiest people on earth.
>Their bread is the main part of their diet. Irene was trying to
>make this bread good tasting so that her children would eat it.


Tom: This research on the Hunzas came about as an offshoot on the
Ziox discovery in Canada. Respected scientist Zap Rowsdower
explains....


>Irene succeeded in coming up with a recipe that was absolutely
>delicious. Everybody loved it. But, then a startling discovery was
>made.


Joel: Up through the ground came a bubblin' crude?

Crow: <singing> Kinfolk said, Grannie move away from there! Said
Californy is the place you ought to be! So Irene packed up the car and
moved to Beverly!

Tom: <Irene> BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD!!!


>Just one or two very small pieces of bread would ruin a
>person's appetite for 5 or 6 hours!


Joel: Especially when they started choking.


>At first, she became upset at this drawback. But then while
>talking it over with her husband. Scott Sette, it hit them.


Joel: <husband> Great Scott Sette! I've got it!


>This was not a drawback at all, but a huge benefit. It was the
>ultimate weapon in the fight against obesity that researchers
>have been trying to discover for decades.


Crow: Completely indigestible food! It's amazingly astounding!

Joel: It was the ultimate weapon AND the universal soldier!

Tom: Oddly enough it was popular with the anorexic crowd as well.


>Irene had apparently come up with the first natural and healthy
>appetite inhibitor. Or was she the first? Could this be a
>designed bread invented thousands of years ago?


Tom: Could it have been baked by ancient astronauts?

Crow: Could it be the very same bread that Julius Caesar made the
first croutons out of?


>The Hunzas have little food in the winter. Was the bread an ancient
>discovery of a hunger suppressant which also provided healthful
>nourishment to the body during winter months?


Tom: Or the very reason for their EXTINCTION?

Joel: The Hunzas were more famous for their cultivation of barley
and hops, making... the very first beer bong.

Crow: Dude!


>Mr. Sette is a researcher for The New York Health Institute. He
>had been studying the Hunzas for years. Now he had some questions
>that needed answered.


Tom: Scott Sette. He's a cop. He solves bread.

Crow: <Scott Sette> Last chance, scumbag... either you tell me who
sliced up the rye or you're toast!


>I held an interview with Mr. and Mrs. Sette in their lovely home
>in Champlain, NY which is located right next to the Canadian
>border in Upstate New York.


Tom: Next to the sixth Great Lake! Thank you, Bill Clinton!

Joel: <author> Or was it Mr. and Mrs. Ottoman?


>Upon arrival my greeting was warm and friendly


Crow: While their greeting was spiteful and soaked my shirt with spittle.


>and I immediately felt right at home and everyone was on a first name
>basis.


Tom: Unfortunately, my first name wasn't Meathead.

Joel: <Mr. Keaton> Beat it, Skippy. Mallory still doesn't want to
date you.


>I also noticed that the Sette's were exceptionally trim, fit and
>healthy. Our interview took place in the kitchen with the HUNZA
>DIET BREAD being prepared for me to taste.


Joel: <Mrs. Sette> Now then, where'd I put that jar of cat knuckles?

Crow: <Mr. Sette> That's right, soak ALL of the vodka in there....

Tom: It's baked with a secret blend of eleven herbs and spices, along
with a heavy fifteen-pill helping of Dexatrim.


>It smelled delicious.


Tom: But so does a freshly mowed lawn! Gimme a break!

Joel: <Interviewer> Oh, wait. That's just my feet.


>Question: "Scott, to what do you attribute the powerful appetite
>inhibiting properties of your wife's bread?"


Crow: Powerful and illegal mind-altering substances.

Joel: <Scott> The fact that she immediately hits me over the head
with her rolling pin after I'm done eating.


>Answer: "Well, Allen, right now we're in the stage of making
>educated guesses. Theory 1 is that Irene, while experimenting
>with the bread recipe accidentally combined natural food
>substances which react together to form a natural appetite or
>hunger inhibitor.


Tom: Theory number two is that she's lacing the whole damn loaf
with strychnine.

Crow: Theory number three is she kneads the dough into a shape
resembling dog poopie.


>There are also facts being uncovered that support Theory 2 that
>this bread was designed in ancient times for the express purpose
>of tiding people over, when food supplies were scarce.


Crow: As repeated three times earlier.

Tom: And this would be why the Hunza died out. They weren't
hungry anymore and just keeled over from malnutrition.

Joel: <singing> Hunza Diet Bread! It's genocidally delicious!


>Let's start with the Hunzas who are the healthiest people on earth. I
>consider their bread to be one of the main reasons for this."


Crow: It's a darn shame other civilizations found that they could be
healthier by eating Hunzas.

Tom: And while the Hunzas were perfecting their super bread, the
foolish Pakistanis wasted their precious resources on frivolous things
like tanks and guns....


>Question: "Before you do that, Scott, I would like to give the
>reader a little background of the Hunzas. I have here a feature
>story which has been published in many major newspapers
>throughout North America." Here is an excerpt from the article:


Joel: HUNZAS MURDERED BY BREAD! LOAFS STILL AT
LARGE!

Crow: HUNZAS BREAK LONG SILENCE, DECLARE DIET BREAD
TO BE ANTI-CHRIST!

Tom: HUNZAS FALL TO THE PISTONS IN OVERTIME, 122-117.


>"The Hunzas exist isolated from the rest of the world in the
>Himalayan Mountains where they live to be 110 to 120 years old.
>They have no cancer, heart attacks, or other major disorders to
>speak of. They are active and fit to the very end.


Crow: They are mountain goats who developed opposable thumbs.
Luckily, Hunza Bread turns out to be a good FLEA suppressant as well.

Tom: If you would like more information about the Hunzas, please
send an SASE and $9.99 for an official transcript to: Hunzas, PO Box
349, Kathmandu Nepal.


>Men father children at 100 years and older.


Joel: And their wives have to diaper both of them.


>Overweight people are unheard of because they have the perfect
>weight control system."


Crow: A lack of money to spend on food! And it really really works!


>The story then relates research and fact finding visits to Hunza
>by such notables as Queen Elizabeth, Art Linkletter and N.B.C.,
>The National Geographic Magazine, Frank Shor, Lowell Thomas, Jr.,
>Chou En Lai of China. Visitors to Hunza all came back with the same
>identical description of the Hunza people:


Crow: <Queen Elizabeth> Lazy gits, sure glad I gave 'em independence.

Joel: <National Geographic> Er, no thanks, we're not hungry. We just
came to take nude pictures.

Tom: <Frank Shor> Okay, you bastards. Where'reya hidin' that big
white Abominable Snowman bloke? Talk or I'll shoot!


>"Hunza men are straight, tall, broad-shouldered, deep-chested,
>slim-waisted, heavy-legged, and have full heads of hair. Hunza women
>are straight, tall, slim-waisted, developed bosoms, perfect complexions,
>and luxuriant hair.


Crow: Breast enhancing bread? Cool!

Joel: Hunza Diet Bread, the choice of all Bishounen!


>Both men and women have perfect teeth and eyesight even at 100
>years and older! They are neat, clean, intelligent and friendly. And
>you can't find an overweight person.


Tom: <Scott> Unless you look behind particularly wide trees.


>Hunza women at 80 look no older than North American women of 40.


Joel: And Hunza women at 40 look no older than a fetus.

Crow: And their armpit hair is 6 inches shorter than European women
of 40.


>Fatigue is virtually unknown.


Tom: Cause they're too damn lazy to work!


>Hunza men over 90 years old repeatedly walk the mountain trail of 65
>miles from the town of Gilgit with a full pack and immediately start to
>work in the fields again!"


Joel: Yeah, and we didn't believe it when *our* grandparents said the
same thing.


>The article then relates an eye-opening experiment by the world
>renowned, brilliant English surgeon, Dr. Robert McCarrison, who
>tested the merits of the Hunza diet in a controlled, scientific
>experiment on 5,000 laboratory rats.


Tom: 4999 died and the last one wrote a letter to the editor of the
London Times complaining about inhumane treatment.

Crow: He shaved their butts and shoved bread where the sun don't
shine.


>He took the one group of normal rats and put them on the Hunza
>diet. He then took a second group and put them on a typical
>English diet.


Joel: Nothing fancy, just some blood sausage and day-old haggis.

Tom: Later, both groups went on to help Mrs. Frisby move.


>After several years the rats on the Hunza diet showed absolutely no
>disease, had proper weight, and were completely healthy beyond normal.


Crow: <Rizzo the Rat> Alright! Bring on the bacon and coffee! We're
feeling dangerous today!

Joel: And if you hold one of these rats up to a cancer patient, it'll give
off secret Hunza health rays and instantly cure them! Yes they will!


>The rats on the English diet were overweight, diseased and had
>tumors, ulcers, bad teeth, crooked spines, falling hair, skin
>disorders, heart trouble, kidney trouble, glandular trouble and
>they were very hostile.


Joel: Hey, no fair feeding them mad cow!

Tom: Sure, the rats bled heavily and suffered ungodly amounts of pain
but hey, it's worth it to see the total eradication of the EEEEVIL
overweight people!


>He then took these diseased rats who had been on the English diet and
>put them on the Hunza diet. They all became well!


Tom: So, Mr. E-mail Spammer Guy, you wouldn't mind if we asked
for the documentation for such an experiment or why the hell a surgeon
and not a dietitian is conducting this experiment?

Crow: <Bela Lugosi> I got the job! How fortunate! This will
simplify everything!


>"O.K., now we can continue.


Crow: And for those of you NOT in Oklahoma, stop right here!

Tom: But enough about torturing vermin, let's get back to the HARD
SELL!


>So, you feel that the Hunza bread may be "by design" both a hunger
>suppressant and a super health food?"


Joel: Not to mention a cheap get rich quick scheme?

Tom: Yeah, plus it keeps your rats healthy and happy.

Crow: So, Mr. Deaf Man, how sweet do the birds sound in the
morning?


>Answer: "Yes, but if it is, there's a question, who designed it?


Joel: Flynn?

Tom: Akira Toriyama?

Crow: The Wachowski Brothers?


>Now the Hunzas were originally soldiers of Alexander the Great.
>This bread may have been designed for the use of his far
>traveling armies. It would make sense. It's the most compact form
>of hunger satisfaction and nutrition I know of.


Tom: So the Himalayas are crawling with Pappadopouloses and
Athenoses? Who would've thought?

Joel: And with his soldier's bread quickly laying waste to the armies that
opposed him, it was said that Alexander wept, for there were no more
worlds to conquer....


>But, further investigation brought about some really wild
>possibilities.


Crow: Turns out crop circles are actually a form of worship for
the Hunza Diet Bread! Spooky, huh?

Tom: Hunza bread can be used as a prophylactic. A chamois for
your car. It can be listened to on any CD player. It doubles as a
doorstop. It shoots out dough. It lights up and can be used at parties...


>According to traces of Macedonian Heritage, this bread could have
>originated in Egypt over 5,000 years ago. As you know, the Egyptians
>were capable of doing many things that modern science cannot
>duplicate.


Crow: Like... uh... putting hundreds of thousands into servitude to
complete marginally decent architecture?

Joel: Why, it wasn't until 1986 that people learned to walk like an
Egyptian.


>But getting back to the focal point of this matter, regardless of
>where it came from, we have it. And, it's tested and it works."


Crow: Tested on rats and Greek deserters who traipse around the
Himalayas. Well, that's good enough for me, what's the number?

Tom: <Author> And if you believe that, I have another diet for you!
Cover yourself in talcum powder, get a fan, and blow blow BLOW the
weight off the Buddy Rose way!


>Question: "That bread smells delicious. And since we're going to
>discuss the bread, let's ask the discoverer. Irene, how did it
>all start?"


Crow: A warm oven, a pile of dough, and a pint of brandy.

Joel <Irene> I was deleting spam in my mailbox when I realized. "Hey,
I can do that too!"


>Answer: "Well, as I mentioned. Scott had been investigating the
>Hunzas for many years and was convinced that their bread was one
>of the major reasons for their good health. So he asked me to
>duplicate it and use it at home.


Joel: <Irene> The first time, it ended up as new roofing material.

Tom: I love how the cooking tasks devolve to the poor woman in this
post...


>I thought it would be easy at first but it turned into a
>nightmare. The recipes that visitors to Hunza came back with
>were either too general or did not turn into bread at all.


Crow: On the plus side, we now have a complete set of misshapen wheat
dishes, cups and saucers.


>So, I decided to make a list of all the key food elements in Hunza and
>began experimenting, trying to come up with a bread that would
>taste good so that our kids would like it too."


Tom: <Irene> I was rather put out when the local Circle K didn't carry
yak milk in stock.

Joel: <Irene> Then I used peanut butter and jelly on the bread and the
kids loved it!


>Question: "How long did it take before you were successful?"
>Answer: "Oh, after about six months of trial and error I finally
>hit on a perfect batch one summer morning. Everyone in the family
>shared some of the bread and raved about how good it was.


Crow: <kids> It's really good, Mommy! Uh, can we have our toys back
now?


>With no exaggeration, it was the best bread we had ever tasted.
>After eating the bread, nobody had an appetite that day and the
>kids weren't hungry for lunch which was very unusual but we
>didn't think much about it at the time.


Joel: <Irene> Kids Schmids! 'All My Children' is on!

Tom: Of course, I wouldn't be hungry if I were puking my guts out in
the bathroom either.


>Then we started to notice that whenever we ate the bread during
>the day we weren't hungry for our evening meal. It got so that I
>wouldn't allow anyone to eat the bread unless it was with our
>evening meal. But, then I found that when I served it at dinner,
>everybody ate a much smaller amount of their meal.


Joel: So giving children appetite suppressants is a good idea? Huh.

Crow: <Kids> Mommyyyy, the bread hurts my tummy...

Joel: <Irene> I know, dear, but finish your greens anyway.


>It got to the point that if we were going out to eat or if I was
>cooking a special dinner, the bread was not allowed for that day.
>I was even beginning to get upset that my delicious bread had
>turned into a problem because it devoured everyone's appetite and
>hunger."


Crow: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Tom: All attempts to destroy the bread failed as it continued to be served
sporadically until the family were forced to flee in terror as the house was
sucked into a vortex.


>Question: "How long did it take you to realize that what you
>really had was the all-time weapon against obesity?"


Joel: <Irene> About the time black helicopters started circling above
our roof and we began receiving bids on-line from wanna-be world
conquerors....

Crow: Oh, so that's the true use of Hunza bread... beating people over
the head with it!


>Answer: "You know it was quite a long time. Three or four
>months. And surprisingly, my husband was involved in obesity
>research at the time. Also, both of us had trouble with being
>overweight.


Crow: Boy, Scott will research ANYTHING to get out of the house, eh?


>There it was right in front of our noses; but, we were too close
>to it, to see it ourselves. Then one day we were talking to a friend I
>grew up with who was telling us that she was taking prescription diet
>pills to help reduce her appetite.


Crow: She was only eighty pounds so I was a little concerned.

Joel: <Friend> When are these Prilosec pills supposed to start working
again?


>It hit both of us at once. We jumped up and said. "Boy, have we
>got the thing for you!" That was it. We both were ready to kick
>ourselves for not seeing it before.


Crow: <Irene> A coupon for free liposuction, you fat-assed bitch.

Tom: <Friend> Thanks, hope you choke on your bread, ya cow.

Crow: <Irene> And keep your damn leaves on YOUR property, ho.

Joel: <Scott> When did I lose control of this spam?


>Both my husband and I started using the bread as a weight loss
>device and began losing weight like crazy, much faster than any
>weight loss method we ever tried, and, we have tried them all
>believe me. We then decided to call it HUNZA DIET BREAD."


Crow: <Irene> And the neighbors know who's controlling the supply
and the source. When the west end falls, we'll control the city.

Tom: Unfortunately, they didn't count on mayor MIKE HAGGAR!

Joel: Eh, just kidnap his daughter. That'll keep him in line.


>Question: "Scott, according to your research, exactly how does it
>compare to some of the fad diets such as liquid protein?"


Joel: <Scott> Simple, those diets have cooties and ours is a million
billion times better, so there!


>Answer: "There's no comparison. Those diets are in another
>league, the minor league, next to our HUNZA DIET BREAD.


Crow: Ha ha ha! They are so shameless! Minor league, ooh, what a
burn!

Tom: <Scott> Pull pounds from your household vermin in a matter
of days! Straighten the backs of all the mouse slave labor that YOU
have living in your floorboards!


>Fad diets such as The Zone and Protein Power are not only
>ineffective, they're downright dangerous.


Tom: And don't even get him started on anything from Richard Simmons.
You can't even trust him to guard a mountain.

Crow: The Zone? Isn't that a funland with plastic balls and stuff?

Joel: If it's anything like Chucky Cheese, the pizza alone will swear you
off food for a week.


>When I say they are ineffective I mean; that either a person will
>not stick with them because they are uncomfortable or when the
>diet is over they'll put the weight right back on.


Joel: But when you go Hunza, you go for life.

Crow: In the immortal words of Susan Powter, "Stop the Insanity!"


>All of us lifetime dieters know of the miseries of the high
>protein and liquid protein (or milkshake) diets. They seem okay for
>the first few days, then they become repulsive.


Tom: Especially on St. Patrick's Day. Thank you, McDonalds!


>You get "full" on these diets but not satisfied. Then they bring on
>unpleasant complications that can jeopardize your health. The liquid
>protein diet is the worst of all of them. This diet is really dangerous to
>your health and very unpleasant.


Tom: <Scott> And more importantly, it won't make *US* any money!

Joel: Everyone got that? Liquid protein is Liquid EVIL! Support
your local Hunzas! Buy bread where you shop or bank!


>Some of the side effects include: fatigue, dizzy spells, bad breath, hair
>loss, oily skin, constipation and cardiovascular disorders.


Crow: <Ed Grimley> Awesome! A vast improvement, I must say!

Tom: And when we put the rats on the diet... well... nevermind, it's just
too horrible to describe.


>All that stuff they tell you about liquid protein is complete
>nonsense. What it really amounts to is fasting. But, they tell
>you that "in fasting the body attacks the body protein first."
>That's hogwash.


Tom: It's also horse fritters, mule muffins, buffalo biscuits and any
other Sherman Potterism you can think of.

Crow: <Irene> Just buy our bread, dammit! Scott has numerous
frivolous things of considerable expense to buy for me!

Joel: <Scott> I wanna train set!


>Fasting is an effective and healthy way to lose weight which has
>been successfully used by the greatest men in history for over
>2.000 years. The Hunzas fast regularly and they live to be 120
>years old.


Crow: And if it weren't for Exxon, they'd live to be 150 easy!


>Liquid protein actually ruins a fast. The only thing you do when you
>add liquid protein is cause problems.


Joel: Yeah, I hear most gang violence nowadays can be directly tied to
liquid protein.

Tom: I hear 100% of teenage pregnancies could have been avoided were
it not for liquid protein.

Crow: I hear they've already inked Ben Affleck for the sequel, "Liquid
Protein Madness".


>You have a less effective fast and the excess protein wreaks havoc
>with the body.
>All liquid protein diets amount to nothing more than a scheme to
>sell liquid protein."


Joel: Whereas all Hunza bread diets amount to nothing more than a
suspension of belief.


>Question: "I know what you're talking about, I'm what you call a
>"lifetime dieter" myself.


Crow: ...They cut years instead of calories? What's the deal?

Tom: <Irene> Heyyyy, wait a minute! That would mean you're...
you're... OVERWEIGHT?!? DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!

Joel: <Scott> Oh great, that's the fourth interviewer this month...


>These fad diets are just that fads, because as soon as people find out
>how bad they are, they disappear.


Tom: <Irene> No way! My Cabbage Patch Kid will be popular
FOREVER!!

Crow: <Interviewer> Oh... these fad diets, you say? In that case...
BYEEE!


>Now, I like hearing about a diet that's been around for at least
>2,000 years. That rings of stability.
>(At this point Irene placed the hot bread on a bread board. It looked
>very appetizing to say the least.)


Joel: At least till it blinked and yawned.

Crow: <bread> Aw, can't I loaf just a little longer?


>Tell me about the advantages of HUNZA DIET BREAD. I will get a
>piece, won't I?"
>
>Answer: "Of course, just as soon as it cools a little. There are
>primary and secondary benefits. The biggest benefit I can think
>of is that the dieter just doesn't suffer AT ALL!


Crow: They die peacefully in their sleep.


>It's such a natural and powerful appetite inhibitor.


Tom: <Irene as Purple Tentacle> I feel like I could... TAKE ON
THE WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Joel: <singing> You've got the bread... I've got the brains... let's make
lots of money!


>This bread satisfies both appetite and hunger. And it does it
>with only 84 calories (100 calories spread with butter) as effectively
>as most 1800 calorie full meals.


Tom: 16 calorie butter? Now there's a dieter's dream.


>We define appetite and hunger like this: appetite is mainly the
>desire you get for food even when you know you're really not
>hungry. It's that craving in your mouth you get that's known as
>the cold mouth feeling.


Joel: And only fish hooks with plastic worms can satisfy it.

Crow: But if your butt rattles, you may have that cottonmouth feeling.


>It can also be present even though you've just eaten. Your
>stomach may be full but you still crave something else. This is
>the feeling you get with a protein diet. You can stuff
>yourself with protein until you're ready to bust but the cold
>mouth craving is still there.


Tom: Think that fat guy in 'Seven' had cold mouth craving?

Joel: Well, so much for my peanut butter and pork belly diet....

Crow: Can we invoke the name of Gendon into this spam yet?


>Hunger on the other hand is best described as those pangs of
>hunger you get or that empty feeling in your stomach that lets
>you know you really need to eat something rather than simply
>wanting to eat for the enjoyment of it.


All: <singing> It's the... rye or the kaiser, it's the thrill of one
bite, let me please be your catering advisor....


>After a slice or two of HUNZA DIET BREAD you eliminate both
>appetite and hunger. You feel satisfied and full. And, it lasts
>depending on the person up to 7 hours. For both of us it lasts 6
>to 7 hours."
>
>Question: "What is the secondary benefit?"


Tom: Webbed feet?

Joel: Prehensile tail?

Crow: Uhh, I don't know. Ask our first client... Michael Jackson.


>Answer: "Well, first of all each slice of HUNZA DIET BREAD is
>close to being a balanced meal in itself. So right off the bat
>you don't strip your body of nutrition or give it too much of one
>thing or too little of another.


Crow: Our bread works slowly to suck the nutrition out of your body,
ensuring a slow but steady death.

Tom: After all, who needs silly things like meat, milk or vegetables?


>Second, not only is the bread nutritional, but it contains some
>proven good health producing foods of the Hunzas. Also, it is
>high in roughage or fiber. It passes through your digestive
>system quickly so the actual absorbed calories are less. You
>also become very regular eating this bread."


Crow: It'll blast your colon so hard, it'll become an exclamation mark!


>Question: "IRENE, tell me what it's like to eat a piece of the
>bread, that is, what do you experience yourself?"


Tom <Irene, singing> My loaf is like wo! My bread is like wo!

Joel: <Irene> Complete spiritual oneness with the heavens... and a
little bit of pooty gas.


>Answer: "OK., let's start with the eating. We suggest eating it
>while it's still warm, with a little butter. It's a heavy bread.
>I only need one slice, my husband usually has 2 slices. Eating
>it is the first delightful experience you'll have. It tastes
>better than any bread that we've ever eaten.


Crow: But little did Irene know that Scott had begun secretly sampling
another bread that used all THREE parts of the grain...

Joel: <singing> Tempted by the bread of another...


>Along with the taste, being warm makes it truly satisfying to eat.


Tom: <Irene> Hehe, that's why I keep mine in Scott's pants.


>Now, here's what its like hour by hour after you eat the bread.


Crow: Oh yes, spare us none of these fascinating details.

Joel: First, the bread becomes a gooey ball. Then your stomach
throws its hands in the air and says, "I give up". For some reason, it's
sent to your pancreas next....


>Hour 1 and 2. Each minute after you finish eating the bread seems
>like a build-up of a "fullness" feeling. It's just as though you have kept
>on eating. You keep getting fuller and fuller. Both your appetite and
>hunger are very satisfied. You don't crave anything more.
>
>Hour 3. In hour 3 something else happens.


Tom: <Scott> The room starts to get dark... your life flashes before your
eyes... for some reason, you doze briefly....


>The thought of food just doesn't appeal to you.


Joel: The thought of suicide becomes painless.

Crow: The faces of those you've wronged float up at you.


>It's not an unpleasant experience, quite the opposite. But, you don't
>have a desire for food in any way, shape or form.


Tom: Human blood, on the other hand....

Joel: Well, that's a relief. I'd hate to have another torrid yet bitter
affair with the Brussel sprouts.


>Hour 4 and 5. You no longer have a feeling of being stuffed
>or turned off by the thought of eating but, there's a kind of
>nothing feeling. You don't want to eat, and you don't crave
>anything. It's just as I said, a sort of comfortable "nothing"
>stage.


Tom: Suddenly you have an urge to visit Leonato's house.

Crow: Just be sure not to give your feeling a new name or you're
screwed.

Joel: Your hands begin to sweat as you realize that you're aimless
and drifting. Instead of food, you find yourself with an urge to... buy
more Hunza bread.


>Hour 6 and 7. Toward the end of the 6th hour you begin to
>get mildly hungry which then slowly increases into the 6th
>and 7th hour."


Tom: And by the 11th hour, you'll be too busy attempting to solve
infuriatingly inane puzzles to care about eating.

Joel: <Henry Stauf> Pardon my... coffin.

Tom: Ah, shaddap.


>Question: "Now, all that for only the cost of 100 to 200
>calories. You can't get that performance out of a 2,000 calorie
>meal can you?"


Joel: No, but the mileage is another story.

Crow: What's the exchange rate for calories to dollars again?


>Answer: "Right. Now you've got the gist of the whole thing.


Tom: <Scott> FINALLY! I'm about to lose my voice here!
*cough cough* Honey? Little lozenge here, please?


>Here's another little known thing about standard lunch hours and
>dinners. Let's say you eat a milk shake, hamburger and french
>fries for lunch, that's over a 1,000 calories. There's a lot of
>sugar and salt in that meal.


Joel: And yet it's so darn tasty. Talk about an enigma!

Crow: <Scott> Not to mention how McDonald's puts sugar in its
food to addict people of all ages to their food... buuuuuuut that's a
rant e-mail for a different time....


>When you're done the first thing that happens is that your body
>shoots a large amount of insulin into your system to counteract
>the sugar. Your blood sugar is lowered and within an hour you
>feel hungry again and start snacking. On top of that the salt has
>made you thirsty and you gulp water or soft drinks and retain the
>fluids.


Joel: So eat nothing but Hunza bread and forgo all sugar and sodium
completely! You'll be glad you did!

Crow: <Scott> But for those that consider vermouth the pause that
refreshes, drive on through!


>On the other hand, if you try a "Weight watchers" lunch, or
>similar balanced diet, you'd have to eat between 400 to 600
>calories of cottage cheese, lean meat, and eggs to feel
>reasonably full. But, you would not be satisfied and almost
>immediately you'd be hungry again and need to consume more of the
>same.


Crow: <Scott> Let's see, liquid protein, fast food, weight watchers,
what other diets can we trash, honey?

Tom: <Irene> Well, we have pictures of Atkins with three bellhops,
some Vaseline and an electric eel....

Crow: <Scott> Perfect!


>You can't win. There's no diet that exists where you don't suffer in
>some way."


Tom: Such as the Hunza Bread diet. Hell, even if you're NOT on it,
you're still suffering through THIS post!


>Question: "Scott, exactly what kind of a program do you go on to
>lose weight with HUNZA DIET BREAD?"


Joel: You have to shout it for the full effect.

Crow: 10 Print "Hunza Bread Rulzs!!!". 20 Goto 10. Run.


>Answer: "There are many ways to do it. This is another benefit.
>It's flexible. Here are some typical plans. Each slice of bread
>is thinly spread with butter for a total of 100 calories.
>
>Plan A: Eat 1 slice every 5 hours of the 16 hours you're awake.
>That's 3 slices which total 300 calories. This is the fastest
>way to lose weight I know of. It works faster for me than any
>high protein diet.


Joel: Yeah, well, speed kills, Scott!

Crow: <Scott> Of course, I add just a dollop of Nutella for flavor... and
a bit of Cheese Whiz for color.... and some bacon bits for luck....


>Why? You have more energy and burn more calories. Second, the
>high fiber bread keeps your digestive system regular. Third, your
>body stays healthy. A healthy body means a properly functioning
>metabolic system.


Tom: Until the bread short-circuits your brain into thinking your
heart is a burnable source of calories.


>Plan B: Really gorge yourself with the bread. Two slices every
>four hours for a total of 8 slices but only 800 calories. You'll
>feel full all day. In fact, I doubt many people could eat this
>much of the bread.


Joel: <Scott> We surgically inserted a stomach window into our
oldest son, and he could barely fit six slices in there!

Tom: <Scott> So we're also marketing.. the Hunza Bread IV Drip!

Crow: Needlemark junkies... walking the streets, needing their fix of
Hunza...


>Plan C: Eat a slice in the morning for breakfast and a slice 3
>hours before your dinner and you will eat a great deal less.


Joel: Thus increasing the number of kids starving in Japan by tenfold!

Crow: <Scott> And once you decide to gorge yourself on Ding Dongs
and Gobstoppers, the bread will have finished festering in your stomach
and you'll spend the next three hours on the toilet!


>Plan D: Eat a slice of HUNZA DIET BREAD,


Tom: Hey, wait a minute! Exactly WHICH bread were we supposed to
be eating for Plans A to C??


>10 minutes before you eat your regular meal. When we do this we
>eat only a fraction, such as 1/4 of what we would normally eat. If
>we wait longer than 10 minutes we don't want to eat at all.


Joel: <Scott> And if we wait fifteen minutes, Irene starts to look
like a Hostess Cupcake.

Tom: <Irene> Speak for yourself, Big Mac.


>Plan E: Eat the bread at the end of meals that don't fill you
>up enough, such as low calorie meals. This is a perfect way to
>use the bread. You eat a low calorie meal, enjoy it, then eat a
>slice or two of bread to fill you up. Perfect! No suffering and
>no urge to snack.


Crow: Plan F: Tape a piece of bread over your mouth.

Tom: Plan G: Stick your head in the oven while the Hunza bread is
baking.

Joel: Plan Z: Launch Gamera into space.


>Plan F: Alternate Plan A, B, C, D.


Tom: Yeah, this won't test the reader's patience or anything...

Crow: A. Hold me. B. Thrill me. C. Kiss me. D. Kill me.


>We recommend an alternation of the plans, but some people who
>just want to get the weight off as soon as possible will use Plan A
>exclusively."


Tom: Which one was that again? I'm hopefully confused.

Joel: The one where Scott runs a buttonhook right and Irene
crosses the field ten yards up.

Tom: Ah.


>Question: "Yes, Irene, you have a comment?"


Joel: <Irene> Hi, Mom!

Tom: <Irene> Can we have a bathroom break already?

Joel: <Irene> I know it sounds cliché, but won't someone please
think of the children?

Crow: <Irene> I'm with Stupid.


>Answer: "Yes, you can really think up all kinds of ways to use
>the bread. For instance, as a housewife it's harder to diet
>because you have to prepare food for the family. I eat my bread
>exactly 2 hours before I am going to prepare a meal. That way
>when I prepare the meal I am in the 3rd hour where food just
>doesn't hold any interest for me. No way am I tempted to nibble
>or taste."


Tom: <Irene> I just take this high powered rifle, visit the local
observatory and blow off some... steam!

Joel: <Irene> Following my recurring blackouts, Scott is always
gracious with cold cloths.


>Question: "Irene, you all look very healthy. Is it because of
>the bread?"
>
>Answer: "That's a big part of it. You feel better and look
>better after you start eating this bread. You know my daughter,
>besides having a weight problem, also had a mild case of acne,
>and since she started eating the bread her skin has completely
>cleared up."


Tom: <Irene> I have no clue why she started strapping bread to her
face but it looks ten times better than those unsightly red welts she
calls cheeks.

Crow: <Irene> It also cleared up Scott's impotence and your lactating
nipples, didn't it, Mr. Interviewer?


>Question: "Scott, how many pounds can you lose a week
>using this bread?"
>
>Answer: "The exact number of pounds depends on the person's
>size and metabolic rate. Using the bread I lost 11 pounds and
>Irene lost 7 pounds in the first two weeks.


Tom: <Scott> In the third week, I lost 512 pounds. I was amazed
to weigh negative 388 pounds...

Joel: <Irene> Finally, I'm a size double negative!


>The point is, as I said earlier, that our experience shows that
>you lose weight faster on this method than any other method that
>I know exists."


Crow: Or acknowledge.


>Question: "That's a lot of weight to lose in such a short period
>of time. Irene, I see you're cutting the bread.


Tom: Careful there, Irene. You wouldn't want to cut those large
folds of skin that're still hanging all over your body....


>It's strange to say, it even looks like it would fill you up quickly."
>
>Answer: "You'll soon see for yourself. Take a piece. Spread a
>little butter on it and enjoy.


Tom: <Interviewer> Ooh, you even provided "I Can't Believe It's
Not Butter"! And here I was thinking there was no way to make this
disgusting slab of flour any LESS edible!


>I had a slice with butter. The bread was medium brown and it was
>a heavy bread.


Joel: As I immediately discovered when it fell through the table
and broke my big toe.

Tom: And then it started a discourse on the metaphysics of Nietzschean
"ubermenschen".

Crow: Wow, that IS some heavy bread.


>It had a very appealing grainy texture and when I spread the butter on
>the warm slice it melted into the bread and made my mouth water.


Tom: <Interviewer> And once I took a bite, my mouth stopped
watering and started to bleed.

Joel: <Interviewer> It's eating my tongue!! IT'S EATING MY
TONGUE!!


>I took a bite. The delicious taste of the bread filled my mouth.
>You could tell that it was hearty, full of substance, chewy, and
>I could just tell it was good for you. Perhaps our bodies trigger
>an instinct that lets us know what's good or bad for us.


Tom: This is the same idiot that goes skydiving with an umbrella
"for kicks", right?

Joel: And as the interviewer felt himself shrink to six inches in height,
he remarked in a tiny voice "Then again, perhaps not."

Crow: One bite of the bread took the interviewer to the planet of
Gor... of course, the next bite just transports him back.


>White bread gives you an empty feeling like you're biting into
>cotton compared to this bread. It was indeed the best bread I
>ever tasted. I devoured two slices and felt very full and
>satisfied. I looked at the time. It was 1:25 pm."


Tom: <Interviewer> I realized I was late for my expose on the evils
of Jenny Craig.


>Question: "You weren't kidding were you? That bread is out of
>this world. It just gives you what you crave. I can't put my
>finger on it."
>
>Answer: "The best part is yet to come. Let me know what you
>experience by calling us in about 6 hours."


Joel: <Scott as Count Rugan> And remember, this is for posterity, so...
be honest. How do you feel?

Tom: <Interviewer, sobbing> Wuh-huh-huh-huh-huh....

Joel: <Scott> Interesting...

Crow: <Irene> Louder!


>Question: "I'll tell you my appetite is just about gone right
>now. I see what you mean by the build up effect. I feel like I
>have just eaten a full course meal. But now, how can other people
>get the bread?"


Tom: Well, first you have to raise the dough...

Crow: Oh, just RYE, Servo.

Joel: Heh.


>Answer: "We originally felt the best way to make the bread
>available to the public was to contract with a reputable food
>processor to prepare and package the bread and then distribute it
>for us. But that turned out to be unbelievably expensive and the
>red tape involved in getting a food product on the market wasn't
>something we wanted to get involved with.


Joel: <Interviewer> They turned you down, eh?

Tom: <Scott> Flatter than piss on a plate.

Crow: <Irene> Undaunted, we went to Japan where our product
was finally given the publicity it so richly deserved....

Tom: <Chairman Kaga> I unveil the theme ingredient! HUNZA
GIKAI PANNNNNNN!!!

Joel: <Iron Chef Morimoto> Kuso...


>So we decided to just publish the recipe for anyone else who'd
>like to make it at home." To order a copy, all you have to do is
>write "HUNZA DIET BREAD" on a piece of paper and send it along
>with a check or money order in the amount of $10.00 to:


Tom: ...your local ASPCA and make sure those brave rats didn't die
in vain!

Joel: <Scott> You don't even need an envelope! A safety pin will easily
attach the check to the paper!


>Question: "Sounds great! And thank you for your hospitality it
>was very nice meeting you."


Tom: <Interviewer> Now if you could please remove my blindfold
and cut the extension cord from around my ankles...


>Answer: "You're very welcome." At 7:30 p.m. I phoned the Sette's
>with the results of my post bread eating hours. It went like
>clockwork, exactly as they had told me.


Crow: <Interviewer> Now my stomach chimes every fifteen minutes!
On the other hand, I'm hung like a pendulum!


>I wasn't hungry for 6 hours. Their bread really is great. I am truly
>impressed."


Tom: <Jesse Ventura> And he don't impress easy!

Joel: <Interviewer> I wasn't brainwashed for six hours. Their
bread is my god. I am but a poor Freebot....

Crow: Aren't we all... let's get outta here.

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)


...AND THE MSTINGS
CONTINUE...


We hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)


>You can't win. There's no diet that exists where you don't suffer in
>some way."


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are trademarks of and (c) 2003 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.


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