Other Fan Fiction ❯ Now or Never ❯ Realizations ( Chapter 1 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

By: Samric

Obsidian Trilogy

Cilarnen/Kellen

Warnings- slash, small spoilers, some OOC

Comments- I REALLY enjoyed writing this and you might be able to tell just from reading it. In the end, I think this may be one of my favorites. I tried to experiment with some stuff that I've never done before. For instance, first person P.O.V. As well as emotion. I've never really done anything that emotion—not storyline alone—had a big part. And I have to say that I'm pretty damn satisfied.

~*~

The scent of blood is overwhelming. Coppery stickiness clings to the surface of every rock, every blade of grass, it's hard to tell that this place was once a peaceful valley where farmers went about their everyday lives for hundreds of years. It's simply incredible how swiftly that peace can be utterly destroyed. Within a matter of an hour, three hundred men and elves are dead and countless hundreds are injured. Incredible, and yet, so horrible that words can't convey the feeling that sweeps over any who witness it.

I glance about the field anxiously only to be disappointed, a thrill of panic now gnawing at my heart. Where is Kellen? Surely he wasn't...

“Cilarnen!”

Relief washes over me like a wave of cold water as I hear that voice, weak though it is, and I whip around to see him with my own eyes. The sight that greets me takes me aback with so sudden a chill of horror that I jerk backwards with a choked gasp. The tiny bit of soft bread that I was able to eat before the battle and the ceremony to bring down the city wards suddenly comes up in my throat as a sour taste.

“Kellen! By the light, what happened to you?!” I ask fervently as I swallow hard and rush to his side.

One of his eyes is closed, I assume (hope) to keep it clear from the blood running from somewhere in his hair over his face, and he's obviously favoring his left leg. His beautiful sword is being used as a walking stick, and I can see the beginnings of shock brought on by severe blood loss in his single glassy eye. But what really catches my attention, what made me draw back in fear when I first caught sight of him, is the deep, gory wound in his side where his elvish armor appears to have—dear Blessed Light!

I am forced to clap a hand over my mouth to keep my meager meal from escaping once again. I reach a shaky hand out to touch his side gently but he still hisses and falls back to avoid my fingertips. I can't say that I blame him.

The only thing that seems to be keeping him alive after that grievous wound is the fact that the metal has been melted into his skin, forming a sort of grotesque bandage.

He gives me a single heart-wrenching look of pure agony before he blacks out and I'm hard pressed to catch his falling body. The dead weight of his so much larger body nearly buckles my knees and plunges us both to the ground but somehow I hold up until someone runs to help me with him.

It is one of the elves, I think his name is Tamaheriae, but really I can't tell most of the elves apart except by their ornate armor and the horses they ride. He ducks low and pulls Kellen's arm over his neck, assuming most of the weight while I tuck myself under Kellen's other arm—the side upon which is his wound has begun to trickle blood a bit faster. Blessed Light, how much has he lost? I pray, no, I beg the Light that it's not too late to save him. What would I do without him? I don't know if I could live with myself if he were to die now that he's about to get help.

It would just be too cruel.

“He has lost much blood. A skilled healer in magic would be very useful,” Tamaheriae says, his voice suggesting that he's not simply saying his thoughts aloud, but I'm too scared for Kellen to even grasp an inkling of what he's trying to ask me.

He looks at me pointedly and tries again. “Wildmagic lends it's power in the ways of healing. I would think that other goodly magics would do much the same.”

He stresses the words 'other goodly magics' in such a way that it finally breaks through to me and I feel as if I could die from the feeling of utter uselessness.

“No,” I say painfully, “High Magic doesn't work like that. You have to train for decades to become a healer.” My voice cracks slightly near the end when Kellen moans softly and his head falls bonelessly onto my shoulder. Tamaheriae barely hides his disappointment and my heart gives another lurch but then Tamaheriae gives a tired smile to something ahead of us.

Looking up I can see the healers' tent, a blue-robed healer rushing out to us. By the time she reaches us, she's already firing off questions about his condition. A grimace takes her face at the sight of the melted armor but she stays steely and gently pushes me out from under Kellen so she can take my place. I want to protest but she gives me a harsh look and the simple, but effective, reprimand of, “Don't let your concern harm him further,” and my protests die instantly.

They disappear into the tent just as my legs finally betray me and I'm suddenly on the muddy ground trying to hold back tears. No one bothers me as I sob breathlessly, and before long, I cry myself to sleep, my heart aching so much that I can barely draw in breath.

~*~

I awake in a soft bed with a cool cloth on my brow. Groggily I sit up and after only a moment of taking in the color of the tent hangings, I know I'm in Kellen's own tent. But how did I get here? Last I remember I was...

A hot flush comes to my checks at the memory of my breaking down outside the healer tent and falling asleep in the mud. My father would be ashamed if he knew. I am ashamed. How many people walked by and saw me in such a disgraceful position before some merciful one moved me?

I bury my face in my hands to smother my blush and flop back onto the spread of blankets. One strangely lumpy, hard pile beside me makes a small noise and after a quick glance I realize with much embarrassment and worry that the lumpy pile is none other than Kellen.

I scramble to my knees and quickly pull back the bedding to see what damage I've done and sigh with relief a minute later when his pained expression melts away into one of drowsy calm. He looks so peaceful that I can't help myself from reaching out to stroke his cheek affectionately and smiling when he leans ever-so-slightly into my touch.

I sit back down beside him and continue to run my fingers through his sweaty bangs and forehead and I can't seem to stop smiling.

It really is amazing that within a few months, my entire attitude towards Kellen has changed so much. When we both lived in the City, I taunted him cruelly for years because of his strange physique and apparent lack of talent in the art of High Magery. And now, barely two months* after seeing him again after my banishment, here I am caressing his face, overjoyed that he's alive. The amount that a single person can evolve within so short a time is unbelievable. But I guess that I'm living proof that anything can happen. Who would have thought?

So caught up in my musings, I just barely register the rustling of the tent flap that signals someone entering, and I jerk my hand away from Kellen lest someone get the wrong idea.

...The wrong idea?

The healer from before's voice startles me out of that strange thought and I try to ignore her knowing smile that she turns to me while deliberately glancing to my hand. What in the world is she thinking?? Surely she doesn't think that I'm...I can't even think the word without a stain of a blush coming to my cheeks and nose. My face feels as if it was on fire as she turns her attention from me to Kellen, prodding him gently and checking his bandage covered wound.

I'm still flustered when she smiles at me again and says that Kellen will be fine with some more rest and...caring companionship.

Wrong idea indeed.

She leaves as quietly as she came and I'm left alone with my thoughts once more. Did she really just imply that Kellen and I are—

“Of course not!” I insist hotly to myself aloud. “She was just saying that Kellen needs someone to care for him for a while.”

Even as I say it I'm calling myself a fool on the inside. So what if I care greatly for him now? It doesn't mean that I have to get up in arms every time someone makes mention of it. It's my own insecurities making me so jumpy. I'm sure that the stress from seeing Kellen so close to death, and the feeling of my own inability to help him, is driving me slowly insane.

The memory of how he looked makes me wince and my eyes move of their own accord back to his wounded side. I see that stark white bandages are wrapped around his chest once I lift the shirt he wears up a little, they are clean though and I wonder if perhaps a Wildmage healer cast a healing spell, maybe even the healer that was here earlier.

Seeing nothing out of the ordinary there, my gaze shifts back to his sleeping face and I get a bit of a start. It is no longer peaceful, a frown is upon his features, and his bloodless lips part, trying to form words, and I can hear a bare whisper from them. It's so faint that I can't make it out so I lean over a little with my ears straining as his whispers continue.

“Don't, please. Cilarnen...... Don't....please don't.....”

He's begging! I realize it with alarm.

I never thought Kellen would ever beg anyone, he's much too strong for that. And I don't mean his physical power, though that too probably helps. No, I mean his strength will, spirit, mind, whatever you wish to call it. He's been like an indomitable tower of determination since the first day I saw him after my banishment. Even when I was so determined to despise him, I had to admit that I admired him for the pure confidence and, for lack of a better word, power that he radiated. I almost want to think that I heard wrong just now. Kellen can't beg! He just can't! It feels so wrong.

Praying to be proven wrong, my eyebrows furrow as I listen more intently to his fevered mantra.

“Please.... don't hurt him. Leave Cilarnen out of this you monster... No! Please!” he screams his last and I jerk back, startled by his loud voice and deeply disturbed by his words.

“Blessed Light,” I whisper in horror, my voice harsh sounding, “he's still fighting, even in his dreams.”

His voice continues its increase in volume and desperation and I put my hands on each of his fever-hot cheeks and lean so my lips are almost touching his temple, all the while whispering assurances to him.

“Kellen, it's me, Cilarnen. I'm alright!”

“Leave him alone!”

“Kellen listen to”

“Please! Gods, please!”

“me! I'm fine! You've”

“Cilarnen! Please, please, PLEASE!”

“got to wake up! I'm okay!”

I'm shouting now and our combined voices have alerted the healer that is apparently looking after him and she rushes into the tent. She tries to pry me away from him but I stubbornly hold on, fire in my eyes despite the welling tears as I look at her through the messy curtain of hair over my face.

She concedes the fight and just wipes his face with a cold cloth that brushes my own. She pulls his coverings all the way down and tsks quietly before opening one of his eyes and after examining it, looks to me.

“We need to get him moved to dryer bedding and pull these wet clothes off,” she says. “Can you deal with his clothing while I find some blankets in his truck?”

I nod numbly, but only when she's a safe distance away do I let him go and start tugging each button out. I glance back at her over my shoulder several times before I'm done with his shirt and have pulled his seemingly boneless arms out of them. When I'm done I throw the shirt a short distance away to where I've seen his dirty clothes kept before. Getting him out of his pants and underthings proves to be a much easier—though also much more uncomfortable—task.

A quick tug pulls the material of his pants over his cloth-covered hips and thighs but then I meet resistance as damp skin makes the cloth cling and it takes me a full minute to work each leg free. Then he's down to nothing but his loin wrap and I hesitate. I don't know why I'm suddenly so shy about seeing his naked body—most of my modesty at seeing and being naked has been done away with due to the close quarters of the army's other inhabitants. I've grown used to the sight of nakedness and usually only spare a tiny blush for times when my own body is bared before others. And I know that Kellen is even less shy than I.

So why am is my stomach so fluttery now?

I'm saved from both having to explore that thought any further now as well as having to strip him completely myself, by the healer's reappearance. She drops her bundle and I busy myself with dragging Kellen's body towards the new blankets that she is unrolling. She moves aside and allows me to pull Kellen onto the blankets, helping set his legs on them as well. The still-remaining loin wrap is regarded with a cocked eyebrow and I determinedly avoid her questioning eyes.

Once again I'm saved from an embarrassing moment, this time by Kellen groaning. Only then do I realize that he had stopped crying out sometime while I was undressing him. Both of our attentions are focused back on him again and she spares a few moments to untie the wrap and relieve him of it before she motions for me to come to her with a crooked finger.

“What?” I ask, a little flustered by Kellen's nudity.

She just shakes her head and explains quickly.

“He's losing body heat quickly. Come lay with him so he won't get even sicker. His condition is already bad, if he got worse...” she trails off with a grim look and a thrill of panic races over my spine, but still I hesitate.

“But I,” I start, but don't finish my thought when I hear Kellen's shuddering breathing. I bite my lip but eventually nod minutely and crawl around so I'm beside him. I can feel the heat radiating from his body even through my clothes and I steel myself. I finally have something I can do for him and I will do it.

I lay down next to him on my side and put an arm around his chest, The healer nods approvingly and flips the covers over us. She strokes his face one last time before sitting back on her haunches and speaking to me again.

“He should be okay for now. Just keep him warm and try talking to him. He seems to be having nightmares about you so try to keep him calm with your voice,” she stands as she talks. “I have other patients to look after but I'll be back within the hour.”

And then she's gone, the tent flap swaying a little behind her, and we're alone.

Kellen murmurs a little and I consider her advice, but I have no idea what to say so I just start by telling him that I'm okay and he doesn't have to worry.

“Kellen, don't worry about me; I'm just fine. I wasn't hurt at all. You have to try to get better Kellen. I need you to be here for me...”

I feel awkward talking to him while he's unconscious but he does seem to be taking comfort in my words. His murmuring has stopped and he's shifted his body into my own. Our noses are mere inches from touching and I continue my whispers.

“Kellen? Please wake up. I'm going insane with you like this. I need you to be...you. It doesn't feel right to see you like this. You need to be strong, if only for me,” I admit with a slight hitch in my voice.

Tears are starting to gather once again in my eyes and my vision becomes watery. I hug him tighter and pull him so our foreheads rest against one another. I will his eyes to open so I can see for myself that he's alright.

But they don't and I let out a barely concealed sob as I bury my face in his neck.

“Please!” I gasp out, my voice unintentionally loud with emotion. “You've got to wake up Kellen. For me... I can't...”

I choke as my throat constricts and I have to swallow hard.

“I can't lose you! Don't you see you big idiot!?! I love you!”

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore but moments after the words leave my mouth I have a sense of rightness that I've only ever felt when I'm working with my magic.*

By the Light....I love him.

When did this happen...? How?

I have no idea, but I'm suddenly sure that there was no particular moment. It's just been this budding feeling in the back of my heart and mind that has finally bloomed. I don't think there's any other way explain it.

I love Kellen.

An unexplainable warmth comes to me and I can't help a teary smile from flourishing. I pull back to see Kellen's sleeping face and after a considering moment, lean to touch our lips in a chaste...could you call it a kiss?

I've heard my sisters and their giggly friends talk about kisses before. They said that a kiss between true lovers would make every part of your body tingle and your heart would leap into your throat. Seeing as they always collapsed into giggles and fall all over each other after saying it though, I just assumed that they were making up romantic fantasies between themselves.

Now I know they were right.

His lips are unresponsive but soft and warm, and I begin to tremble after only a moment of our connection. My heart follows the script and immediately lodges itself into my throat and when I pull back, I'm wide-eyed and breathless. I fall limply back to the soft blankets and take deep breaths to fill my starving lungs. I stare at his still calm face and feel an overwhelming euphoria. The urge to laugh until my stomach hurts is almost unbearable but I just lay there staring at him with a smile of wonderment on my lips.

I love Kellen.

The thought follows me into sleep and I'm no longer scared of how Kellen will fare.

I know he'll be alright.

~*~

I awake to someone moving me around. They're obviously trying to be as gentle as they can in order to not wake me, but that is nearly impossible seeing how they must roll me onto my back and that move lands me on a cold spot on the bed. Groggily I swat at the hands and all movement from the other stops.'

Curious, and a bit annoyed now, I open my eyes a tiny sliver against the early morning light, only to open them wide when they drink in the figure of a very guilty looking Kellen.

I jolt up in bed, wide-eyed and mouth agape and he looks, if it's possible, even more guilty.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, “I didn't mean to wake you, but uh... nature calls.”

I continue staring at him, my breaths coming in shallow pants and he wilts under my gaze.

“Er... Um, I'm just gonna go outside for a bit.”

He waits for a response from me and when he only gets more blank staring he awkwardly looks away and struggles to stand.

That gets a response.

He's still naked as the day he was born and in light of my revelation last night, the view makes me more than a little flustered. I 'eep' loudly and hide my face behind my hands, but seconds later I'm taken by the absolutely overwhelming urge to peek.

I look through my crisscrossed fingers and I can see his hands desperately trying to cover his groin area, but I've already had a glimpse at it last night and besides that, mortified by my reaction as he is, his fidgety hands do very little. Then he turns and I'm given a new view.

His back is tight with muscle, my view only hindered by the bandages, and his shoulders swept gently in a oddly attractive way by his long hair. Two smooth globes of flesh, a tiny shade lighter than his tanned limbs, are taunt with constricted muscle and my heart jumps a bit. He sort of bounces from one foot to another before darting off to the side with a slight exclamation. A tiny smile reaches my mouth and he bends to swiftly snatch up a robe, green as everything else he owns. He pulls the robe tight about himself, unaware apparently of how the robe clings to his body in such a way as to 'reveal' it nearly as well as if he were still naked.

With a nervous glance back at me, he leaves the tent and I allow my hands to fall and my smile to become a grin.

So I was right and he's just fine.

I fall back to the covers with a laugh and the day seems somehow brighter already.

The war is over, Kellen is alive and apparently in good health, and I love him. What could possibly make this any better?

....

The smile slides off my face as the answer comes to me nearly immediately.

Kellen loving me back.

I bite my lip and that thought brings on a whole new swarm of questions, none of them very pleasant.

What if Kellen doesn't want to love me? What if Kellen isn't interested in males period? What if he thinks I'm disgusting for feeling this way? Dear Light, what if he starts to hate me when he finds out? I don't think I could live with that!

My breath is coming in panicked gasps now and I can feel a cold sweat form on my brow. I don't realize that Kellen has reentered the room until he's crouched beside me, shaking my shoulder, telling me to 'snap out of it'.

I react badly, lashing out and shoving him away with all my might. He isn't expecting my sudden violence and falls back from the blow to his chest, letting out a hiss of pain and clutching his side.

I immediately feel horrible and sit up hurriedly, apologizing wildly and helping him off his back. He looks at me worriedly and whispers my name softly.

“Cilarnen? What's wrong? You were so upset when I came in, I thought you were having some sort of attack,” he says, hesitantly touching the hand that I left on his arm. I jerk it away as if burned, and he looks almost hurt.

“Nothing,” I say unconvincingly, “Nothing is wrong. I was just thinking is all.” I stumble over my words and internally I wish I could smack myself in the face for sounding so nervous.

He doesn't look convinced and continues to look into my eyes searchingly. In the end, he just frowns and nods and I can tell that he's just allowing me to keep my dignity for now, not giving up on the matter.

I force a wide smile and stand up. His eyes follow mine up.

“I'm gonna get out your hair now so you can get dressed. I'll see you later.”

I wave in such a forced cheerily way that I want to puke and before he can get a word in edgewise, I'm gone.

I run as fast as I can through the camp, only slowing down when I've reached my own tent in the centaur camp. I roughly shove the flap aside and the moment that I've entered and sat on one of my trunks in the corner, I let my tears out.

Why did I have to realize that I love him now? The army will surely be disbanded now that the enemy has been destroyed and Kellen and I will almost certainly be forced to go our separate ways. And besides that, Kellen loves Vestakia and the only reason that he hasn't acted on it yet is because of his oath to Shalkan.

Suddenly, the world seems somehow much more bleak.

~*~

Footnotes:

1-I don't know how many months Cilarnen was with Kellen after his banishment but I figured it was a while. Two months just fit into Kellen's deal with Shalkan in comparison with everything else that happened—to me anyways. So, two months it is.

2-The lines after the little confession were actually my own thoughts, minus the magic reference. It just felt like the right time to have that one slip out.

Comments: Keep an eye out for the last part(s) people! It's coming!