Other Fan Fiction ❯ Stupid In Love ❯ Fenris' thoughts on paper ( Chapter 11 )

I do not own Dragon Age or its characters.

I do not make any money off the stories I've written for it.

Unless you count the fact that I can't sleep or work when a story takes hold, so writing it allows me to get back to being productive. But I don't think that Bioware can sue me for that.

Stupid In Love

Chapter 11

Fenris' Journal

I have been advised by Aveline that it will help in my ability to read, if I practice writing as well. She suggested that I write a journal of my thoughts. I can't imagine anyone will ever read this - who would be interested in the thoughts of a former slave. But if it will help improve my ability to read, I shall endeavor to try.

X

Hawke came over again today to read with me. We ended up arguing again. It seems like we always argue about something when she's here. But it's friendly somehow. Today, she was talking about the Arishok - how she doesn't understand the Qun, how it forces people into a role and leaves no opportunity to better yourself. “What is the point of effort, if your efforts can never help you to succeed? If you remain the same, with no chance to improve yourself, why even bother?”

I told her that it is not quite like that. From my time among the Fog Warriors, I saw that the Qunari each have a role, and they can succeed or fail within that role. It is like a baker may bake delicious cakes or simply create food that keeps one alive without tasting pleasant. The baker has the choice to decide whether he wishes to be known for creating food that tastes excellent or food that merely sustains life.

She nodded and replied that perhaps personal pride means more to Qunari than to us - and if so, she suspects it is to their advantage.

At every turn, this woman never fails to amaze me. She is beautiful, smart, and strong. She draws people to her and does not even realize it. I find myself wishing that I were a better person when she is around. I find myself striving to improve myself. She comes here to help me learn to read, and I work harder at it, wanting to impress her. Why do I want to impress her? Why is it so important to me? This woman who will stand toe to toe with me and claim that each individual needs to be judged independently, by their actions. By their integrity and heart.

I find myself arguing more staunchly against mages just to see how she will refute me, what new argument she'll bring to me.

She is by far the most compelling person I have ever met.

X

Hawke came back today after an extended mission with Aveline. But she seemed upset. She showed up, then immediately left. I'm not sure why. After she left, I felt a disquiet that I couldn't understand. Isabela was here and she had the strangest expression on her face after Hawke left. She said that Hawke and I deserved each other - said we were both repressed and we'd both be a lot more pleasant to deal with if we just screwed each other and got it over with.

Then, she asked if I was blushing from thinking about screwing her, or Hawke. I didn't respond, and she told me I was “cute”. I don't think anyone has ever called me cute before in my life.

I wonder what was upsetting Hawke.

X

It is good to see that the Arishok recognizes exactly how exceptional Hawke truly is.

We tracked down his thief, stopping a radical elf from sowing mayhem and attempting to turn people against the Qunari. It never ceases to amaze me, the actions of fanatics.

Hawke blazed into the turmoil and demolished all the forces against her.

It is little wonder that she has the respect of the Arishok. She commands respect from all who meet her.

X

I was drinking the last of the Aggregio Pavali when Hawke came by - just in time to celebrate the anniversary of my escape with me. I'd already had much of the bottle. I think it loosened my tongue. I told her that in honor of the special occasion, I'd tell her the story of my escape.

My shame at what I'd done to the Fog Warriors who had sheltered me, I hid nothing of it from her. I was expecting… I wasn't expecting her to understand.

I wanted her to know exactly who I am. She is beautiful and unlike anyone I've ever met. I find myself thinking of her at inappropriate times. It is inappropriate. I am merely an escaped slave. I wanted her to know all my faults, the things I've done, the things I cannot forgive myself for. I think I expected her to cast me out. That would be better than wondering what she would do when she really got to know me.

But again, she surprised me. I have never known a friend like her before. She hinted that we could potentially be more than friends - that she would be willing-

I'm not sure if she wanted to take me to bed or whether she wanted something deeper. If it's the latter, I would not saddle her with someone as unworthy as myself. I could not do that to her - not to her.

If it is the former, it could be simply pity - her trying to comfort me as I wallowed in my past shame. And I could not stand that.

So I deferred for another time.

And now, she is all that I can think about. I cannot take this. It is madness.

I feel like my veins are on fire. They burn like the markings Denarius burned into my flesh.

Hawke, do you have any idea how deeply you affect me?

X

I have never felt more helpless in my entire life. Hawke's mother was murdered. By a filthy blood mage. I have never wished more that magic did not exist. The empty look on her face after her mother died in her arms. There was nothing I could do or say that would be sufficient. Anders or Aveline would have words that could comfort, I'm sure. I had none.

I never want to see her look that way again. She looked lost.

It felt so incredibly wrong: Hawke being lost.

I think I would give up my freedom if I thought I could ensure you'd never look like that again.

X

The bitch is dead.

That leaves only Denarius.

She would not be dead if I had not had Hawke's support. And in my anger, I turned on her. Said hurtful things.

Why does she strive so hard to comfort me? Does she not realize how it makes me yearn for what I know I can never have?

Varric came by and asked me to go see her. He reminded me how much she worries about those for whom she cares. Does that mean she cares for me?

Why?

How?

Hawke, what is it that you want of me?

X

She has not come by in a week. Aveline said she is trying to show how much she trusts me by giving me space to work things out on my own.

Every day that has passed where I have not seen her has caused my disquiet to grow.

It is to the point where I can think of nothing else. Her laugh. Her eyes. Her strength.

Why can I think of nothing but you?

X

I am worse than a fool.

I never imagined that I could feel so… These wretched lyrium markings burned with a fury, yet it paled next to the fire of passion she ignites in me.

This woman. She was so caring and cautious, asking whether it hurt when she touched me. It hurt. And I never wanted her to stop. I told her it felt soothing and she declared that if so she'd kiss every single part. Oh, Maker. And then she did.

I ache for her.

I do not deserve her.

I wish to hide her away from everyone, keep her to myself. I would chain her to me and never let her leave. I am an abomination, wishing that upon her.

Nothing else matters.

I left her. She asked me not to go and I still left. I told her that in that moment, in that moment with her beneath me, all my memories came crashing back - and then disappeared before I could breathe. They did, and it tore at my soul. But I would gladly take that pain in trade for keeping her all to myself.

My disgust for myself knows no limits. I am no better than Denarius.

I will never allow her to be made a slave to anyone as I was - not even myself.

Not Hawke.

Varric would not let me leave the Hanged Man last night. Insisted he would not stand by as I let myself be killed over love.

He claims that I'm in love with her.

I fear he may be right.

Just one more reason to protect her from myself.

X

Would that I could say I am relieved to find nothing has changed.

I feared that after that night, she would no longer wish me to be near.

So I should be grateful that she is responding toward me exactly as she did before.

Varric may be right - love makes no sense.

I should be glad that she doesn't love me. It is beyond foolish that it hurts to see her smile at me exactly as before.

But I already knew that I am a fool.

X

I have begun discreet inquiries into the whereabouts of my sister.

So far, the results have been less than satisfying. I do know that she is not a slave. That is a weight off my mind. I would hate to think that I had escaped and left her there to suffer.

It is likely foolish to pursue this. I am probably providing Denarius all he needs to find me. But I find that part of me hopes that he does, and comes here. This way, I will be able to face him at last. When that happens, only one of us will be left among the living.

X

Something is upsetting Hawke.

I wish I knew what it was so I could kill it.

Is that what love is?

X

Perhaps Hawke is right. It is not only mages who are fools for power.

Fucking Isabela. I had thought she was merely distractible. But she may very well be the most selfish person I have ever met.

She could have brought the book back to the Arishok and saved countless lives. But instead, she ran like a coward, giving the book to some Tevinter smuggler.

Her claim that her life was at stake is ridiculous. As if some smuggler were a worse threat to someone's safety than a Magister? And yet, I know that if Denarius were to show up here, he will cease to exist. I have no worries on that front. Even Denarius could not stand when faced with Hawke.

And she would never leave a friend alone in the face of danger.

Even friends as useless as Isabela and myself.

Even the Arishok could not stand in single combat against her. She is matchless.

If not, I would not have suggested she fight him. But I knew there was no way that the fierce woman I fell in love with could possibly fall to him.

Isabela would have not had to run- if she had but shown an ounce of courage and an inkling of sense.

The city has been altered by the Qunari riots. The Arishok is dead by Hawke's hand. The land granted by the slain Viscount is barren.

And she has been granted the title Champion of Kirkwall.

Champion. She who defends.

It is quite apt.

X

Varania is not in Karinas. She left Magister Ahrimun's service. She is in Minrathous.

Minrathous. Where Denarius is Magister.

I sent her several letters - it took a lot of convincing to get her to respond. But I finally got to agree to come if I sent her the coin for the trip. I convinced her she could be a tailor here as easily as in Minrathous.

And finally, she has agreed to come.

What will she look like?

Will Denarius be with her? Is this all a trap?

There is no way to know. But when she arrives, one thing is for certain - everything in my life will change. Either I will have found my sister, and perhaps be able to recover some of my past, or I will have my confrontation with Denarius.

Unlike Isabela, I will trust Hawke to stand beside me.

I hope Denarius does come.

He doesn't stand a chance.

X

Hawke closed the book and set it aside. When she reached up to her cheeks, she was surprised to find that they were wet. She hadn't even realized she'd been crying.

Fenris.