Other Fan Fiction ❯ Stupid In Love ❯ The thoughts of a Hawke ( Chapter 13 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

I do not own Dragon Age or its characters.

I do not make any money off the stories I've written for it.

Unless you count the fact that I can't sleep or work when a story takes hold, so writing it allows me to get back to being productive. But I don't think that Bioware can sue me for that.

Stupid In Love

Chapter 13

Hawke's Journal

Today was an interesting day. A good day. We were able to kill many slavers. I don't typically relish killing, but when it comes to slavers, I'm very willing to make an exception. Something about the thought of one person holding that much power over another person's life - it's simply vile.

No matter how much we try, we cannot be responsible for another's actions. We can only be responsible for our own. It is how to truly measure a person's worth. Slavery runs completely counter to that.

There are some that say it's a cultural thing. If I had grown up in Tevinter, I wouldn't feel this way. I don't want to believe that. I prefer to think that if I *had* grown up in Tevinter, that I would have gone out of my way to purchase as many slaves as possible, simply so that I could release them somewhere they could be free.

But of course, I know that would only be true if I still had my father teaching me every day that power is a responsibility, a burden. If you have power and use it irresponsibly, use it for your own selfish desires, it becomes a curse. On you and those you love. All those with power must struggle with how they will use it. Those who use it to serve others will find fulfillment, contentment, happiness. Those who use it for their own selfish gain will only find themselves longing for more and more power. It becomes an endless struggle, a desire that can never be fulfilled. People in positions of power who have not learned this lesson should be pitied as they're dispatched. That's what my father said. Only through sacrifice and humility can happiness be achieved.

But it doesn't seem like anyone in Tevinter knows this.

The slavers we killed were hunting a man who had escaped. Understandably, he had hired us under false pretenses to help him evade the trap they'd laid out for him. I know there are some who probably would have viewed the deception as something to demonstrate we should not trust him. But it would be unrealistic for someone being hunted to trust a total stranger. And for as ethereally handsome an elf as Fenris, there must be even added dangers in trusting people than the average human would encounter.

When he first appeared, his appearance stole my breath. I couldn't look away. He walked into the Alienage, and I'm not sure I breathed from his first step until he said his name. Fenris. I've never experienced anything like that before. I could only stare. It was a strange situation. With his beauty and those markings that somehow make him seem both fierce and graceful, who wouldn't find themselves staring. Okay, I don't know if anyone else was staring like me. In fact, the only reason I know there was anyone else there is because I can remember the sound of their breathing around me. I simply couldn't take my eyes off him to notice anyone else.

Oddly, he seemed surprised when I complimented him on his looks. Surely he must know how attractive he is. Cultures can't be so dramatically different that beauty is ignored just because of class, can they?

…Or perhaps it can mean exactly that. If so, he's going to have to get used to a different way of life. Because I find it hard to think straight when I'm looking into the amazing green of his eyes - like leaves on the trees in the spring.

Maker, but he is incredibly well put together. Strong enough where I doubt he will feel intimidated by me, like most men do, and therefore either ignore me or constantly try to one-up me to prove his “masculine superiority.” A truly strong man doesn't need to prove anything. Unfortunately, I've met precious few of those in my life.

Fenris. Even his name is strong and sure.

If it were not for the fact that he despises mages, I fear I might make a fool of myself in his presence. It's probably for the best though. I do tend to be nothing but trouble for those closest to me.

I couldn't help myself. I needed to know more about him, so I visited him in his appropriated mansion. He was drinking an expensive red wine, straight from the bottle. At first it looked like he was intending to get drunk, but after talking to him, I think he just was trying to make sense of his past by touching things that triggered memories from when he was still a slave, weighing the difference between now and then.

Either way, I suspect the alcohol was responsible for how willing he was to speak with me.

The more I hear about this Denarius, the more I become conflicted. A large part of me would revel in ensuring he is destroyed slowly and painfully, while I watched. But would that really help anything? It wouldn't give Fenris back his memories. It wouldn't take away his pain. The desire to revel in another's pain is never something good, never to be indulged.

Certainly the man must die - if only to prevent him from doing this to someone else. But instead of delaying and planning it thoroughly, it would be better to happen swiftly - for justice, not revenge.

Talking to Fenris can be a struggle in futility. Does he truly believe that every mage will turn into a Denarius if left to their own devices?

This thought disturbs me probably more than it should, and leaves me wanting to argue with him. He's both intelligent and thoughtful; I think I could probably have a conversation with him on any topic OTHER than the politics and philosophy of magic. But that just makes me want to talk to him about it more.

It is true that power corrupts. But there are powers to be had both with and without magic. Does he truly not see that all power has the potential to corrupt - and this is no different for mages than for Templars and religious leaders?

Magic is not something granted to you by a demon - but the ability to do magic does make you more susceptible to their influence. And I'm not really seeing anyone arguing that a mage who has been possessed by a demon is anything other than an abomination. But it seems to me, those who remain vigilant against that threat, are only as likely to be corrupted by their power as anyone else with non-magical power is likely to be corrupted by their own. Not everyone who is given power and/or authority abuses it.

What is it that makes some people fall so easily into corruption through power, anyway? It would be easy to say that it's tied to selfishness. But look at Meredith. Her purpose is to try to protect the innocent - it's not selfish desire. Yet it is apparent by the way the mages here are treated like animals, like criminals - locked in the Gallows and not even allowed out to visit with their family - that she has taken her power too far. Mages are not treated with such hostility in other Circles. She has abused her power here out of fear of what a few corrupt mages MAY do.

The sad part is, that this fear may be the very thing that causes the problem. The mage feels trapped and helpless and so turns to corruption, when just a small amount of tolerance may have averted the situation in the first place. She believes - as Fenris claims - that it is inevitable for mages to eventually become corrupt. But is it inevitable in and of itself, or only because she believes it and her actions encourage the response?

If Fenris' fears are truly justified, then will *I* someday stray over the line? Will I start to crave power if I manage to reclaim our noble status? I would like to think that will not happen. That *I* would never do something like that. That I'm only doing all this to make mother happy. I don't know that I wish to admit this to Fenris ever, but the truth is, I cannot be certain. I don't know if anyone can.

If I ever do get back our title, will that be enough? Will I start to act like some snotty noble?

Perhaps the answer lies in knowing you have friends who care enough to stop you.

I'm pretty sure if I lost it, Aveline would kick my ass. And she could probably get Varric to help her.

Plus, I'm positive that Fenris would do whatever he needed to stop someone who he truly saw as a threat to others who were less fortunate.

Hm. That's just another good reason to keep him close at hand then, to keep me in line. As if my need to debate with him weren't enough.

Funny how I ended that last entry. It seems I now repeat myself. Another reason. He knows about the Qunari. He can speak to them in terms they understand. He is truly a fascinating man.

We were hired by a miserable lying little dwarf to “handle a task for the Arishok.” But when we completed it, it turned out that there had been no deal. If Fenris hadn't been there to speak on our behalf, I'm not certain how it would have turned out.

It's not that I'm scared of the Qunari - more that I just can't understand the way they think. They don't have freedom there. Each member of the Qun has a role assigned to them at birth. They cannot grow beyond it. But the strange part, to me, is that they don't wish to. They accept their roles and are actually happy to know their place.

This seems horrifying to me. If I were not able to decide for myself who and what I wanted to be - I would feel trapped.

I was going to write “like a slave,” but I don't want to use that phrase flippantly. I don't truly know what it IS like to be a slave. You can only know that if you have been one.

Perhaps this is the reason that I find myself compelled to seek Fenris out regularly. It's not that I'm insanely attracted to him. (Or not just that.) But that the more I learn about him, the more I want to learn. He impresses me at every turn.

If only I could get him to admit that things aren't as black and white as he would have you believe when it comes to mages and power. Or at least that mages aren't the only power worth worrying about. I am determined to not let it slide. I'm going to continue to debate with him until I can get him to at least concede ONE point.

It will keep me on my toes, at least.

Back from our expedition to Sundermount. Who would have guessed that Flemeth would be able to reconstitute herself out of that locket she had me carry?

I… don't really know what to make of that one. “Witch of the Wilds.” I know she has her own agenda. That much is certain. And she has more power than any mage I've ever met. More than any three mages combined that I've ever met. Even Fenris had no idea what to make of her!

Still, she doesn't seem to be using it to oppress anyone. I… think I'm just going to reserve judgment on this. Not like there's anything I can do about it anyway. I really hope I don't ever have to encounter her ever again, actually.

I was truly surprised by the request of the Dalish Keeper to take her First with us. Merrill. An outcast among the outcasts. What does it even take for the Dalish to kick out one of their own? Marethari said she was welcome to stay, but you could tell that all the other clansmen were eagerly awaiting Merrill's departure.

Was it the fact that she uses blood magic? Or is that common among the Dalish and it was something worse? I'll want to watch her closely. And hope that Fenris doesn't decide to kill her in her sleep for the good of us all.

It's so odd. You'd never look at her and think “blood mage.” She's such a strange little thing. Awkward. It's kind of endearing, while at the same time it makes you just cock your head in confusion. Has she NEVER had any friends? She seems to know nothing about how to get along with people.

She's just so strange. And the things she says - I'm sure 90% of all the people she meets probably take great offense, even though it's clear she isn't trying to be offensive she's just… clueless. Maybe she really doesn't understand the dangers of blood magic. Maybe she's never had anyone to care enough to keep her from it.

If ever anyone could benefit from having friends to show her how to behave, it's this one.

And she seems genuine enough. Kind of cute, too - in a lost, helpless waif kind of way.

Although helpless, she isn't. In a fight, she is capable of serious damage. And that's without the blood magic. She uses some nature-based magic that I've never even seen before. I think she'll be good to have backing us up, if we get into a tight spot. So long as she keeps the blood out of it.

Met an apostate mage/Warden today. His name is Anders, and apparently, he fought alongside the Hero of Ferelden. He works as a healer in Darktown, helping people whenever he can, living off of a pittance. He comes across as completely charming.

Kind to strangers, caring, loves kittens - to the point where EVERYONE teases him about it - not hard to look at, and determined to help others in need.

When he asked for my assistance in helping a fellow mage in need, I agreed. And when I saw his friend had been made tranquil - even though the Templars admitted he had been found guilty of no crime other than planning a visit outside the Circle! - I started to think that maybe my initial distrust for his smooth style was unjustified.

And then, the demon that has possessed him came out.

He claims it is a spirit - a kind spirit. A spirit of Justice.

The story he told, it was easy to understand why he let the spirit into him. But… Even if the spirit started off with good intentions, it is not so hard to understand that living inside a human, with human weaknesses included... Well, if Anders has been altered by the merging, wouldn't it stand to reason that Justice had changed as well? Because what I saw in there seemed less about Justice and more about Vengeance. Even if I could grudgingly accept that there could be a spirit of Justice, Vengeance would have to be a demon.

This may be just an exercise in philosophy, but what are demons, anyway? Who is to say that demons don't all start off as kind spirits and then through one reason or another - perhaps even similar reasons to what turns people into power-hungry tyrants - they become warped and shift from kind beings into these demons. We don't know. It's as good an explanation as any other for where demons come from.

Or, it could be that some spirits turn bad and others don't, just the way some people turn bad and others don't. I really don't know.

I don't want to assume the worst of everyone I meet.

But I don't want to assume it's all going to be bunnies and roses either. I think the safest stance is to remain vigilant around Anders at all times.

Maybe being a friend will make the difference in keeping him from going down the wrong path. Well, I shall try at least.

Finally found the apostate, half-elven mage from the Alienage.

I understand not wanting to go to the prison that is the Circle here, that is for certain. His mother sent me to find him, to bring him back to the Templars. But would that be the best thing for him?

Of course, running off on his own was obviously a very bad idea. He ended up caught by slavers! We pulled his ass out of the fire and sent him off to study with the Dalish. They know how to train mages, it is part of his heritage, and frankly, it was what he wanted. Besides, I'm pretty sure Marethari will be able to handle keeping him in line.

I wonder if Fenris would have found this to be an acceptable compromise.

Geh! Why does every single thought lead back to him lately? I must miss our debates. I wonder if he'll be willing to accompany me on my next task. I bet he's been grateful to be free of mages though. He's probably not even noticed that it's been 12 days since he's had to deal with me.

Met a very…um… let's just call her “friendly”… woman at the Hanged Man tonight. Former pirate and smuggler. I don't care much for those trades - not that I really should speak against smuggling, since that was one of the professions willing to help get me access to Kirkwall in the first place.

This woman asked us to help her recover some lost merchandise. We helped her out and were surprised by the ferocity of those who attempted to ambush her. She fights well, though, and has offered to join forces with our little ragtag team, should we ever need her.

She seems somewhat lonely to me. Perhaps that's why she comes across so strong. And she flirts! Practically asked me to bed her straight out! She's pretty, for certain, and I have met many people who would have called me crazy for not just enjoying a night with her. But, even though people think women who are tough should just jump at pleasure when it comes their way, I want to wait for something that means something more. I would not sleep with someone that I didn't truly love. That's just not for me.

Oddly enough, when she started flirting with me, I found myself cataloging arguments I could make to prove my points to Fenris. I wonder if romance makes me combative - of if combat makes me feel romantic.

Either way, I do look forward to making some of those points the next time I see him.

I have met a Prince.

Just because his family was betrayed and murdered does not change the fact that he is a prince, right? He posted on the Chantry board, asking for help taking out the mercenaries who murdered his family. I don't have anything against mercenaries in general, they're just doing what they were hired to do. But you need to be selective in which assignments you actually accept. Straight out murder? Not so much. Okay, when I worked as a mercenary, I did have assassination assignments. But I never accepted any where those being removed from their position were not tyrants. The Haels ruled Starkhaven justly. And these mercenaries didn't stop at just the ruler - they took out the entire family, all the servants. It was a massacre.

So I didn't feel badly when I brought that massacre back to them.

Prince Sebastian seemed surprised when I told him it was done. I think it was a let down. No real wonder. He probably had months of built up fury, and then, it was finished, and he wasn't even involved in the process really. That would be hard to deal with. But hey, I'm a problem solver.

I told him he was more attractive than I expected for a prince and he blushed. He's been living in the Chantry for a long time, so I don't know if he's ever had a woman compliment his looks. I actually wasn't really trying to flirt with him, but he took it that way, so I immediately backed down. His reaction was strong and all I could think of was Fenris - and it just didn't feel right. I actually felt guilty. I can't help but laugh at myself. I guess I'm really more attracted to him than I had thought. Much good that does me.

Today was… embarrassing. We were investigating the disappearance of a woman, which led us to the brothel she frequented on a regular basis. While there, the elf this woman spent time with tried to encourage me to buy some of his time. Not really what I was hoping for from the day. Meanwhile, Varric, Aveline, and Fenris were just sitting back watching - laughing at my obvious discomfiture. Varric and Aveline would have been enough.

Honestly! The creature was so effeminate. Do they really think I would find that attractive?

We followed up on the leads we'd been provided, and from what we found, I don't think the woman is still among the living. But we were at least able to give her husband back her wedding ring.

Followed up on a letter requesting help on the Wounded Coast today and wound up working for a Templar, if you can believe it, chasing down apostate mages.

Actually, when I agreed to the task, I hadn't actually decided whether to bring them back or to simply help them. It's not like that Templar would ever know. But when I did find them, they were being led by a blood mage. It made me glad I hadn't brought Merrill along. Although maybe she would have been able to see more clearly the dangers of her dabbling in blood magic if she'd seen what their leader did.

The thing is, I can't say that I think blood magic, just of itself, is necessarily evil. Blood is life force. When a mage uses magic, they use some of their own force and lyrium, to shape things to their will. If they use their own life force to do so, it hurts no one but themselves. And since it is their will, the force to make that shaping should come from themselves.

Where I see a problem is that you can take blood from someone else to perform blood magic. With or without their consent. And that's when it becomes evil - an abuse of power.

But in reality, it's more slippery than even that. When you start to look at blood as a source of power, rather than something provided by the Maker to provide the most precious gift of life, then people stop being people and start being nothing but chattel. And then you have Tevinter.

Is it inevitable? I don't know. But there does need to be a line drawn somewhere, and drawing it so that any blood magic is considered vile does seem safer than waiting for someone to get hurt.

And today's events certainly do agree with that thinking. Because even when the apprentices tried to talk him out of violence, the blood mage was not willing to back down. He was an abomination. We had no choice but to kill him.

After that, the remaining mages seemed reasonably contrite. They simply begged us not to turn them over to the Templars here - spoke of abuses, saying the Templars had been making them DO things. When I looked over at Fenris he looked pale. Paler than normal. I wanted to say, “See. Power corrupts no matter whether the wielder has magic or not,” but I just couldn't do it. He saw. I know he did.

I stated that I would let them leave, but that they needed to get out of Kirkwall and never return. Fenris didn't say a word against that suggestion.

And so we left the caves. With all the blood covering us from the blood mage's demise, it was easy to convince the Templar that we'd had to slaughter all the mages left in the caves. We told them that the leader had escaped toward the coast, and the Templars took off to chase the lead. I think the thought that most of the mages were dead left them satisfied - they're just as happy to have mages dead as they are to have them locked in the Circle.

Still, I think it was a blow to Fenris, seeing that here, those in the Circle are essentially the slaves of the Templars. I know Tevinter's method of allowing the mages to self-govern isn't right. But this isn't working either.

If both sides of the argument were looking for a solution together, maybe we could actually come up with something that DOES work.

But sometimes it feels that I may as well be wishing that the Blight had never come to Ferelden.

What a way to prove the point that not only demons can cause people to go power crazy and evil!

The Magistrate sent us after a crazed killer - who just so happened to be his son. The psychopath was convinced that it wasn't his fault - that he was possessed by a demon. But there were no demons present inside him. He just liked killing and the power he felt as he held the life of another in his hands.

He was a rabid dog that needed to be put down. So we did.

We killed a dragon today.

We were hired to go find out why there were problems in a mine called “The Bone Pit.” Apparently it's a favored breeding ground for dragons. They were all over the place.

It was amazing how well we all worked together. The battle was exhilarating.

When we're all working together, we can accomplish so much. It is a good feeling.

And best of all, I wound up owning half the rights to the mine. Granted my partner is a bigoted weasel who I'd much rather kick in the balls than have a conversation with - but hey! He'll be doing the bulk of the work, and hopefully I'll only have to deal with him maybe twice a year or so. For a poor refugee like me, this is truly a step up in the world.

Tomorrow we're going to leave for the Deep Roads. I have to decide who to take with me.

Do I bring my sibling? If I don't, I'll never hear the end of it. If I do, mother will give me grief. I guess the question here is who will complain the loudest about it.

Aveline has a city to guard. No need to bring her into this.

I could bring Anders with us - he's got skills in healing that might be beneficial. But if we encounter darkspawn, I'd rather have someone that is a fighter. We can use bandages for most injuries, and those that can't be treated with bandages, I fear Anders' healing won't help anyway. Then again, he's a Grey Warden. He should be able to sense any darkspawn coming…

Merrill's good in a fight. But somehow the thought of her in the Dark Roads is too incongruous. She's a Dalish elf, for the love of the Maker. Putting her in Dwarven territory just seems like asking a cat to swim.

And Fenris… Fenris would be good to have with us. I've never met anyone as fierce in battle, nor as dependable. But it's not his problem. Is it right to bring him into this kind of danger just because I like fighting beside him? No.

Whoever I leave behind, I'll make sure to ask Aveline to watch over and take care of them for me, in case I don't come back. Not like they need me watching over them. But I don't like leaving them all alone.

We all made it out alive. More or less.

I lost my last sibling to the taint of the darkspawn. Thank the Maker I brought Anders with us, because he brought us to the Grey Wardens. Apparently, the joining involves overcoming the darkspawn taint. But they wouldn't let us stay for the ritual. So by now, either I'm an only child or I am related to the Grey Wardens. Neither is very satisfying. Mother has taken to blaming me for everything. Not that I wasn't already blaming myself. Everything I love, I hurt.

I can only take solace in the fact that I was at least trying to do the right thing. I did not deliberately attempt to hurt either Bethany or Carver. It was the darkspawn that attacked them. I did not create the darkspawn. I am proud of how fiercely they both have fought back against the blighted creatures.

It must be 10 times harder for Varric. I can't imagine how it would feel to have my sibling lock me in a thaig to die - all for a bit of gold. I hope he knows that I will back him up on anything he needs to resolve this. Not just to find and get a little retribution, but to help him get over the betrayal he must feel. Varric is truly a good friend. He has a heart of gold. It saddens me that his own brother never realized that. Bertrand is nothing but pitiable.

I do worry about that idol that Bertrand stole before locking us in down there. There was something not right about it. I fear it will only cause problems.

Well, either way, the expedition did exactly what we needed it to. We were able to raise enough funds to purchase back the family estate. So mother can live as she was meant to.

Things have been quiet. We've been settling in to our new home - which is Mother's old home. It's strange to have servants.

It's stranger to have nothing to do.

I spend a lot of time at the Hanged Man, playing cards with Varric or sparring with Isabela.

And I make it a point to see Fenris at least once every day. After all, if I'm not there to annoy him with political debates, he might get bored.

Or actually be able to pass a day peacefully. And I just can't have that. For some reason, I don't feel quite alive if I haven't had my daily verbal sparring with him.

Well, that and our reading lessons.

It really does show me that I only have a very surface understanding of how heinous slavery really is. He wasn't allowed to READ! For that alone, Denarius deserves to die. I hope I'm there to see it.

Fenris is truly one of the most intelligent men I've met. He learns everything so quickly that just watching him as he studies has become one of my favorite pastimes. The candlelight makes his hair shine like filigree silver and those green eyes of his absorb everything so hungrily.

He truly is amazing.

It's been a year since I first met Fenris now, and I've realized that I am a complete and utter fool.

I had been called away to work on a mission for Aveline, and so hadn't seen him in several days. When I got back, the first thing I did was run over to the Hightown Estates to pay him a visit, see how he was doing. And I found Isabela there, flirting with him.

I couldn't understand why seeing that made me so angry. I ended up just nodding at them both and saying, “Just wanted to let you know I'm back in town. Well, I have business. See you later,” turning on my heel and leaving.

As I was stalking away, I kept wondering why Isabela was there. I mean, I know she flirts with anyone - and Fenris is simply beautiful beyond the capacity to describe… And then it hit me. I was behaving like a jealous fool. Like I was some farmwife who'd walked into the market and found her husband dallying with a bar tavern.

But I'm not Fenris' wife. I'm not Fenris' anything.

And that's when I realized exactly how much of a fool I truly am.

I cannot spend a day away from him without missing him. I enjoy his company more than anyone else's. It doesn't matter if we're in agreement or arguing, just talking with him makes my day. Being near him makes me feel as if the world is right and being apart from him makes everything seem wrong.

There can be only one conclusion: I am in love with him.

As soon as I thought this, everything made more sense. How could I not have realized I am in love with him? I spend every spare minute I have with him. My heart stopped beating the moment I met him. When I close my eyes, I can relive the moment he entered my life with perfect clarity. Oh, Maker. Love at first sight? I truly am hopeless.

And that's the whole point, why I am such an incredible fool: He will never love me in return.

Even so, the thought of living without him is unbearable. I will remain by his side as long as I can. It doesn't matter if he doesn't love me, if I can just be near him.

Someday, he'll probably have had enough. Someday, his need to be free will take him away. But I'll fight for him until then. I don't care if it means I have to die for his freedom, I will stay beside him until he leaves me. If the last thing I were to ever see were his silver-green eyes, it would be the best death I can imagine.

I am truly a fool.

Who would have thought that I had made a favorable impression on the Arishok. I didn't think it was possible for him to view anyone not of the Qun as anything other than an annoyance.

And yet, he called on me to track down that lying maggot of a dwarf, who apparently wasn't satisfied with those adjectives, but had to throw “thieving” and “idiot” into the equation as well.

He stole what he THOUGHT was a recipe for explosives. But was in reality a recipe for a gas that turns everyone except the Qunari into raving, homicidal maniacs.

I'll leave the implications of that for another day because, truly, that thought is more frightening than the image of Varric in a dress.

My mother is dead. Killed by a psychotic blood mage.

On a day like today, I am tempted to think Fenris is right.

I know not every mage is to blame. But for today… Can I blame them instead of blaming myself for being too late yet again to save someone I love?

The only family I have left now is Gamlen.

I will be grateful for the chance to kill things today.

Today, Fenris faced one of the chief tormentors from his time as a slave. I refuse to honor her name enough to even write it down. May her soul be lost forever for what she did to him.

She tried to bargain for her life with information about his sister. He promised that if she told him everything she knew, he'd let her live. Then once she told him, he killed her.

I was glad to see her die. Glad that he got the chance to kill her. And sad for his pain.

My heart hurt for him. I know that killing her is something he's probably dreamed of. But the fact that he knows that he promised to let her go and then immediately broke that promise… well, he probably feels poorly because of that. Not that that CREATURE deserved anything else. I would have done the same.

Even so, having her dead must be a monumental thing. A relief and a hole in his life at the same time. I understood why he left afterwards. Still, I was very worried about him.

Is it wrong that I wanted to hold him and comfort him, tell him that everything would be alright? It's stupid of me, I know. He doesn't need *me* to take care of him. He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself.

The other day, when we made the decision to go after this bitch, he told me I was beautiful. I think that was what made me slip and flirt with him. I suggested…

It doesn't matter. He turned me down. Gave me the “It's not you, it's me,” speech. I know he wasn't lying about his markings and there being pain, or about his not trusting anyone enough to ever let them close. But when he suggested that he might consider allowing me that chance! It was too much to hope for.

Maybe he thought I wasn't serious - which is why he even suggested it could be possible. Because he backed down quickly enough when I told him I would be willing to try anything for him.

“Perhaps another time.”

Those words make my heart do triple time in my chest. If only they were true.

Fenris. Where are you? Will you go after your sister now? If you were to ask me to accompany you there - even if it were only as a companion in arms, even if it meant my death - I would join you.

I can't believe Merrill would be so incredibly stupid as to deal with a demon.

Fenris would be laughing his ass off at me if he knew I'd even thought that. He'd say, “She's a mage. Of course she would do such a thing.”

How could someone so innocent seeming think that taking the advice of a trapped demon was a good idea? Yes she calls it a spirit. But… spirit? Demon? What is the difference, really?

Even so, I do think it was good that she cleaned the mirror so that it couldn't infect anyone else. After hearing the story of how it nearly killed two people who happened across it - just by their touching it! - I couldn't help but think that cleaning it was the right thing to do. If two people stumbled upon it once, leaving it as it was would only mean that someday more people would happen across it. Cleaning it so that it couldn't infect others does make sense.

But if a spirit encourages you to do BLOOD magic to complete a task, maybe you should consider that the spirit might not be telling the truth? What if it had just made the mirror more dangerous? Can she really be so naïve? Should I trust her at all?

Well, look at me speculating. Perhaps Fenris is rubbing off on me.

I'm going to hope that she can fix the mirror entirely - it would be good to help the Dalish reclaim their heritage, so that the world can become a place of four equal races, with none subjugated under the other. I'll help her when I can. But I'll keep an eye out for any more blood magic or communing with spirits. And I'm not going to let Fenris know that I'm counting on his skepticism to keep us all safe.

Just one more thing he doesn't need to know. At least I've gotten pretty good at hiding how I feel about him. Aveline knows. She's always been good at picking up on these things. She picked up on it shortly after we got back from the deep roads. I'd been fretting about it fairly regularly and she pinned me down while we were out on a patrol. But she at least only teases me about it in private. At first, I think she was worried. But now, she says Fenris is good for me.

I'm not sure if she means that it's good for me to have something I desire so badly yet can never have, to keep me grounded, or if she means that it's good for me to have someone who argues with me even more than she does.

One night is better than none. That is what I tell myself.

He may not love me, but at least I have that memory now. His lips, his hands. The taste of his skin. The heat from his markings against my lips, my tongue.

After he left last night, I drank until I passed out. I did not wake until after the sun went down tonight. Then, I joined Varric for a night of drinking at the Hanged Man. There was not enough ale in the world to dim the memory of how he felt, to make me not ache to feel it again. I know this because I did try. I think it took both Aveline and Donnic to carry me home.

I try to tell myself I'm lucky. Some people never know the touch of the person they love. I have. I may never know it again, but at least I have that.

I knew he would never love me. So why did his leaving hurt so much? Why did it surprise me? I had told myself not to hope for more, and yet I did anyway.

It's foolishness. This memory will have to be enough. I want to forget. I never want to let this memory go.

Life is pain - isn't that how the saying goes? I will hold this pain close to my heart. I will never touch another man the way I touched you, Fenris. Never.

I'm late.

I didn't think about it before, but the timing was right. I could be.

If I am, I think I may move back to Ferelden. Because there I could raise our child and he'd never have to live with the shame of having fathered a child to a mage family, to a woman he doesn't love. He'd never have to know.

What surprises me is how excited by the prospect I am. To have a piece of him within me, proving that for one night, he knew and could feel how much I love him. It would be the greatest gift.

I wonder if our child would have his eyes?

I will not be moving to Ferelden. There is no need.

It feels like I've lost everything worth having.

I should have known better. It is as I told Aveline: I am destined to be alone.

I will be entering the fade to help Feynriel combat the demons plaguing him. I know Fenris doesn't approve, but at least I know he'll be there to keep me from turning into that which I hate. Even now, he is the one person I trust over all others. Somehow, I doubt that will ever change.

That was the end of the book, the last sentence on the last page.

Why had Anders given him this? Where had he gotten it? Was it real? Had she really written all this?

He remembered them entering the fade and fighting Feynriel's demons. That was two and a half years ago now. She must have run out of space and started a new journal.

She had… thought she'd been pregnant. With his child. He had never known. Had never even considered the possibility.

Why would he have? These things don't happen to a slave.

She had wanted his child. She viewed having his child as a gift. One that was lost when she found out she wasn't.

What the hell was he doing? Why had he been so stupid? She was the best thing that had ever happened to him in his entire life. And he had ruined it beyond repair!

“I'm here, Fenris.” The words came to him unbidden.

She was, though. She was still here. Wasn't she?

The next time she came to visit him, he would tell her. Tell her everything.

He wasn't brave enough to go to her. But if she came to him…