Other Fan Fiction ❯ The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything ❯ 'Cause It All Has To Start Somewhere ( Chapter 1 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

DISCLAIMER: There are quite a few things in here that we can't stake a claim on—characters, some jokes, sanity…BUT this time we do own plot! HA!

Author's Note: Yep! You guessed it! We're baaack!!! After a painfully long interlude, Li, Ava, and Adara have returned for another story! Be afraid…be very afraid…

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Chapter 1

James Earl Jones (narrating): The setting…is the set. The people…are nowhere to be found. But never fear, good people, for all great tales begin with a tragedy, and this is ours…

Our hero stands…fearless…without fear in her wonderessness she stands!

superman theme plays as Li comes into view

Li: pulls at hair and runs in panicked circles AHHHHHHHH! DOOOOOM! PAIN! AGONY! WOE!

Ava: turns to crew Okay, people, let's move in!

James Earl Jones: One set! One crew! And one script…TO RULE THEM ALL!

Adara: …What the crap…?

James Earl Jones: WHAT WILL YOU DO…TO SURVIVE?

Li: flails Diablo!!!

James Earl Jones: Will someone shut her up…? Trying to announce….jeez…

Ava: Here we go again…

Adara: puts on sunglasses and strikes a pose

Li: Okay…serious Let's go…runs off to conference room screaming wordlessly, with Ava and Adara in her wake

James Earl Jones: The following events are likely to include extreme danger to the sanity of all included—especially for witnesses. You have been warned…

XXX

Ava: What is with the glorifying of the evil dictator all of a sudden? And when did you get minions?

Li: grins and sits back I'm just that good. Aren't they great?

Adara: They're…ninjas…

Li: They are not! They are minjas! There's a huge, huge difference! indignant

minja suddenly comes flying at Adara from atop a shuriken, screaming like a banshee

Ava: O…kay…

Li: cackles and stirs her cauldron

cast and crew quake in fear

Ava: Give it a rest, Li. Okay, guys, y'all are here today for an informal—

Li: WE'RE FILMIN' IN FIVE!

Adara: …You just keep on thinkin' that, sweetie.

scowls and hugs Rico Suave I do believe we have a mutiny underway, Rico…

Ava: ANARCHY IN THE UK!

Li: …This sucks.

Ava: So anyway. Does anyone have any questions?

Random guy: …I have to go to the bathroom.

Li: Well then you can just go straight to hell, then, can't you?!

Ava: Li, be nice.

Li: Huh?

Adara: She said be nice.

Li: Come again?

Ava: Be. Nice.

Li: …I don't understand what you're saying to me.

Ava: sigh Never mind.

random, very ugly Latino pops into the room

Latino: The fun has arriiiived!

cast and crew start to scream

Li: WE CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT OUR MUSHY PEAS ON FRIDAY!

Ava: …Hi, Karasu.

Alleged Karasu: I am not Karasu. I am his cousin…er…Latino.

Adara: …Latino? You put no thought into this…

Ava: And that is a horrible accent.

Li: This isn't our villain. Not again. Is this our villain? Tell me this isn't our villain…

Adara: This is our villain.

Li: Why?! wails

Ava: All your renditions of “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” in the asylum really hit us hard. Now we're hitting you with out best shot!

Li: I hate you.

Karasu: YAY!!! MOVIE!!!

Li: RED RUM, RED RUM, RED RUM!

Adara: shakes head

Ava: Only in Disturbia.

Adara: Yep.

XXX

The box was feeling very disrespected. Since the very dawn of its life, it had been treated far too lightly for its taste, and now it was being stuffed and loaded and taped and tossed around like a toy.

And now it was all dark, and there were a lot of other boxes grumbling around it, and things were cramped and stuffy and noisy until Box finally lost its train of thought and was able to ignore everything for awhile.

Next it was picked up once again and tossed out into the light and set down on the ground. There was a pounding and a yell and then box was alone.

Box waited for a long time, and just when it was about to get really bored, the door opened and a delighted—and slightly evil—voice murmured, “Finally. Mwahahaha…”

Box had one moment to think, Damn, before it was ruthlessly torn apart.

XXX

Shura clutched the book in his arms, face shining with evil glee. “Ha ha…at last, it is mind! After months…years…MILLENNIA!”

Yomi stumped in and muttered, “You're only twelve years old. Don't be dramatic, young whippershnapper. It's ridiculous.”

“Go kill yourself, fart-face.”

Yomi stumped out again and Shura went back to gloating over his prize—The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything.

It really had taken him a long time to track down the sort-of sequel to The Princess Bride—almost six months, which, when converted to childtime, may actually turn to millennia, or at least centuries.

So he felt that he wasn't really being all that dramatic.

Ha ha, I win again, senior citizen.

And with that thought, Shura opened his book and settled down to read.

XXX

CRASH!

“Oh, dear.”

“Is that all you can say?”

“…Hiei's gonna…”

“I know very well what Hiei's gonna do, Miguel.”

“Are you so sure about that?”

“Oh…uh…hi, Hiei.”

“BENJIMAN GUEVERRA, WHAT DID YOU DO?!” A pause, and then, “Hiei, love, why don't you stop strangling Benji now so we can get to the bottom of this?”

“What for…?”

Gurgle.

“Hiei, he's turning purple.”

“So?”

“So you should probably let him go.”

Choke.

“But why?”

“Because it will all be very messy to cover up if you kill him.”

“But I have to murder him! There's a giant hole in my ship!”

“I see that.”

“So you see, it's the principle of the thing.”

Wheeze.

“Hiei, let me take it from here, okay? You should see what you can do to keep us from sinking.”

Gag.

“…Fine. Fun-sucker.”

XXX

Benji didn't really know how it happened. He knew when it happened, though! It was right about the time he started sobering up…

“…I was truck last night, dear Mother…I was truck the night before…but if you'll forgive me, dear Mother…ya know, this is a LOT more fun when I'm actually drunk. Benji blinked up at his lover, who was at work steering the Revenge.

“Hmm…” the redhead added intelligently.

“More tequila! John Adams! Where's Jose?!”

“No more for you, buddy,” Miguel laughed, clicking his tongue thoughtfully. After a year of sailing on the Revenge, he had become very fluent in drunken sailor. He very much enjoyed being able to understand English, even if it was often only drunken sailor babble.

“I hear…a noise…”

Miguel listened, too. “Like…nails on a chalkboard?”

“I was thinking more along the lines of dying cat…”

Miguel frowned. “I don't even want to ask how you know what that sounds like…” But nevertheless, he walked over to the side of the ship and peered over. “Oh, look, Benny! Girls!”

“Oh, hey, cool…I'd almost forgotten what those look like…” Benji said thoughtfully, joining his lover. “Oh…hey…are those…?”

“Oh, wow, I think so…”

The sirens leapt and twirled in the water, singing their beautiful songs and throwing meaningful glances at the two on their ship.

“Wow, so they really do…”

“Try and seduce men?”

“Yeah…eew! Boobies! Miguel, make it stop!”

Miguel thought a moment, then called politely, “Um…excuse me? Ladies?”

The sirens stopped their dance and looked surprised.

“I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just thought you'd like to know that you're wasting your time…”

The sirens began to frown and generally look offended.

“Well, you see, we don't like girls…not that you're not attractive. I'm sure you're very pretty. Just…not to us. I'm sorry…” Miguel finished, somewhat sadly. “So…maybe you should go find another ship?”

But in the end, the sirens did not end up following Miguel's advice.

It only took a few holes bitten in the bottom of the ship and the surprising strength of the sirens hurling sea boulders at the Revenge to get them where they were at this moment…

…Sinking fast, with Hiei killing poor Benji and Miguel interpreting the siren story to Kurama.

“Ahh…just like the Great Mermaid Fiasco of '56…”

XXX

Li: CUUUT!

Ava: Wow, she's been practicing.

Adara: nods wisely Yeah, she's really had to step up her role as we reach the end of the show…

Ava: patiently Uh, sis, who exactly do you think we're talking about?

Adara: Oh. We're not discussing Keiko Agena?

Ava: Wha…how…eh?

meanwhile, Karasu bounces energetically around Li

Karasu: Hey, Li, whatcha doin'? Huh? Have you finished my scene yet? When do I come in? Do I get to wear a dress again? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Li: seizes Karasu…talk to me again and you'll wake up tomorrow very confused in a Siberian convent.

Karasu: …You wouldn't…

Li: Oh, yeah? takes out measuring tape Let's get you measured for a wimple…

Karasu: NOOO! runs away wailing Black is NOT my color!

Li: takes out Rico and screams People! Next scene! NOW! Yes, I am PMSing! Anyone who doesn't wish for a slow and painful death should bring me some Midol immediately!

XXX

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,

A tale of a fateful trip,

That started from this tropic port

Aboard this tiny ship—

“MY SHIP IS NOT TINY!”

The mate was a mighty sailor man—

“No, the mate was Benji. There's a huge difference.”

“Hey! Not nice, Hiei!”

The skipper brave and sure—

“What the hell's a skipper?”

“I think it means `captain'…”

“…Oh. They got that one right, then.”

SMACK.

“Ow.”

Five passengers set sail that day—

“Five? Where'd the rest go?”

For a three-hour tour,

A three-hour tour—

“And has it really only been three hours? What the hell?”

“Fascinating…”

The weather started getting rough.

The tiny ship was tossed—

“RIGHT INTO THE BLOODY SIREN'S GODFORSAKEN PIEHOLE!”

If not for the courage of the fearless crew,

The Minnow would be lost—

“Die!”

The Minnow would be lost—

“Die twice!”

The ship sunk ground on the shore of this

Uncharted desert isle,

With Gilligaaaaan—

“Who in God's name is Gilligan?

The skipper toooo…

“La la la la LA!!! I can't hear you!!!”

The millionaaaire

And his wiiife.

“Oh, to have a million dollars…”

“They make that much money? Weeeeird…”

The movie star…

Kurama struck a pose.

The professor aaand Mary Aaaaane…

“AIIIIIEEEEE!!!” bushes shake

“…Eh?”

“…Here on Gilligan's Isle…”

“STOP ENCOURAGING THE DISEMBODIED VOICE, BENJI!”

XXX

“…Why are we here again?” Benji said, giving an odd glance at the tropical jungle of Gilligan.

Then it was Miguel's turn to stare oddly at Benji. “I thought it would be fairly obvious…”

Benji looked at his surroundings awkwardly. “Here? Now?”

Miguel hit Benji with his bucket, clearly disgusted. “Eww! Benji, grow up!”

“Ow…”

“We are here to get tree sap and wood. So we can patch up the giant hole in Hiei's ship to hold it until we reach Cuba.”

“Goodie…hey, Miguel?”

“Yeah, Benji?”

“New game…Every time Hiei starts talking to nonexistent voices or himself or coconuts, just do a shot.”

At that point Miguel thrust the bucket into Benji's hands. “Get the sap, Benji.”

“Oh, if only Erik were here. He would've at least chuckled a bit. Alas, poor Erik, God rest his soul.”

Miguel frowned. “Erik's standing right over there, Benji. What exactly did you think happened to him?”

“I thought he got eaten by a turtle…”

“Uh…how?”

“Very slowly. There's lots of chewing.”

“And in this psychotic daydream of yours your best friend elects not to run away from what is perhaps the slowest land animal on Earth?”

“Well, its first bite injects him with immobilizing poison.”

“Oh, it makes perfect sense now!” Miguel said sarcastically. “You're sick.”

Benji grinned impishly. “Yeah, and cute, huh?”

“In a strange way, yes…oh, no, I did not just say that…”

Benji nodded with a sickeningly happy smile.

“Don't try to drag me down into your world.”

The first mate shrugged and then turned to a kiwi tree. “Hey…” he blinked, plucking one. “You look familiar...I munna name you…Miguel…” He sighed dreamily and hugged the fruit to his chest.

Miguel growled and drew himself up to his full height of 4'11”. “BEEENNN-JI!”

Benji shoved the tiny fruit in his mouth and gave his lover a big green grin. “Wes, Miguel?”

“What's that?”

“Hmmm…?”

“If you're trying to hide that kiwi from me, you're incredibly dumb.”

“Wes I awm, wery muwch.”

“Spit out the kiwi and step away from it, Benji.”

“O-tay! Patoowie!”

“Now don't we feel better about our decision?”

“Yes?”

“Exactly.” Miguel looked around and squealed suddenly. “Ooh, look, Benny, a newt!”

Benji looked where Miguel was pointing, but the small creature was already gone.

Miguel's lip trembled. “Benji, where newt go?” he asked, slipping back to the old ways in his upset. “Make it come back!”

Well, we all know how Benji resists that, and in a moment he was cautiously approaching the bush. “Heeere, Mr. Newt. C'mere. Miguel wants to see you…”

“SHADDUP! THE NEWT IS DEAD! YOU HEAR ME? DEAD! YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN!”

Benji screamed loudly and ran to hide behind Miguel, looking over his lover's shoulder at the woman who had just popped out of the bushes, a newt dangling from her mouth by its tail.

“Hi,” Keiko said. “Got any newt eyes?”

XXX

“Will it hold `til Cuba?” Kurama inquired, coming up to put his arms around Hiei's waist.

“It better,” Hiei grumbled, shooting Benji a death glare.

“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT? IT'S NOT MY FAULT!”

“Watch your tongue, Benji, or I might decide to rip it out,” Hiei replied flatly. “WE SAIL IN ONE HOUR, PEOPLE! ANYONE WHO IS NOT ON BOARD BY THEN GETS LEFT BEHIND! NOW LOAD UP!”

“…Have you ever thought about maybe…lightening up a little?” Kurama asked wryly, raising one eyebrow as he watched people scurry around on Hiei's viciously barked orders.

Hiei blinked at his lover in a confused sort of way. “…Why?”

The redhead chuckled and grabbed Hiei's hand, dragging him onto the ship. “We've only been here a couple days and I'm already more than ready to be gone…”

Hiei chuckled. “And you used to be such a landblubber…”

Kurama grinned and pulled Hiei into a long, slow kiss that deepened and made the sailors who were watching the whistle in a teasing sort of way. The grin grew into an amused smile when they pulled apart. “Talk more like a sailor.”

“Sorry, work to do!” Hiei replied, turning to leave the ship.

Kurama pouted. “Hiiiiieeeeeiiiii…”

XXX

“You need to slip it now,” Keiko growled for the second time, peering over the ship chef's shoulder.

Mikail scowled at her. “Y'know, lady, frying newts isn't exactly a normal part of my job.”

“I know,” Keiko replied without batting an eye. “That's why I'm telling you what to do.”

Still scowling, the chef went back to cooking.

“Okay, it really is time to flip it now. Flip it…flip it…WILL YOU JUST FLIP THE DAMN NEWT?!” When Mikail continued to ignore her, the last of Keiko's patience sapped away. “You know what? Move.”

“Eh?”

“You're completely destroying the newt I worked so hard to catch. “You're fired, get out of the way.”

Hiei, Kurama, Miguel and Benji were gathered together, arguing again about whose fault all this was—and about who should be responsible for turning Keiko loose on the ship—when Mikail banged and crashed his way onto the deck. He marched up to Hiei and screamed in his face.

“THAT'S IT! I CAN'T HANDLE THIS PSYCHOTIC CREW ANYMORE! I QUIT!”

Hiei let out a long-suffering sigh as he watched the irate man stomp off. “Why me…? Miguel, go schmooze him into sticking around.”

“And keep three feet between you two at all times,” Benji reminded him.

“I know, I know,” Miguel responded, rolling his eyes. “It's not like I don't do this at least once a week.”

Once the small, lethal weapon left, Hiei raised his voice and bellowed, “ALL FREE HANDS, FRONT AND CENTER!”

“Uh…Hiei, what're you doing?” Kurama asked nervously.

Hiei winked, and Kurama's apprehension grew.

“All right, men,” he said to the assembled group. “I have an assignment. We have a vermin infestation on the ship and it must be exterminated immediately. It will likely be a very dangerous mission, but I have every confidence in your abilities.”

Ha. I wish.

“Now…TO THE GALLEY, MEN!”

XXX

The sailor in the crow's nest was peering intently at the shoreline when there rose a commotion on the deck far below. He peered over the edge with interest and watched as a group of five or six carried a struggling, screeching, cursing woman out of the galley. He could easily make out the words, and they were rather interesting.

“YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I AM THE GREAT KEIKO UKIMURA, KILLER OF NEWTS AND YUSUKES! YOU WILL SHOW RESPECT! PUT ME DOWN! STOP! STOP, I SAY! OH, YOU WILLL REGRET THIS! YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU HEARD MY NAME! NOOO!”

The sailor watched as Keiko was unceremoniously stuffed in a cabin and the door locked, before he looked up again to resume his watch.

A moment later, his voice echoed over the whole ship.

“LAAAAAND HOOOOO!”

XXX

Li: Where am I?

Adara: Huh?

Ava: Eh?

Li: I dunno…is that food I smell?

Ava: I think so. The people just set up the thing with the alleged sustenance. I believe it is the time for us to partake of these victuals.

Li: …Duh…?

Ava: Food there.

Adara: Good food.

Ava: Eat now?

Li: Oh, cool. You there, get me food.

Random hot guy: Me?

Li: I guess so. Depends on who you are.

Hot Guy: DUDE! FOOD! stuffs sandwich into mouth and mutters around it Oh, my God, that is delicious…SAMMY, GET OVER HERE AND EAT THIS STUFF! IT'S WONDERFUL!

Hot Guy #2: It's Sam. And no.

Adara: drops $25,000 worth of video and stereo equipment

Ava: Oh, my God. Is that…?

Adara: I think so…

Ava: begins chewing on hair

both run over and throw themselves on Sam

Sam: AAAHHH! NO! LEMME GO!

Adara and Ava wrestle him to the ground and begin poking

Karasu: comes pirouetting through in a flowey pink dress Tra la la la la…

Li: screams into megaphone SOMEONE GO GRAB THE EYE OF NEWT! KEIKO'S FOAMING AT THE MOUTH!

Nac Mac Feegle: She be foamin', ye say? Then she be dangerous! C'mon, men! ATTACK!

Yellow-Eyed Demon walks in with about 200 people behind him

YED: Well, isn't this fun? surveys chaos

Sam: finally escapes from Ava and Adara Oh, thank God, an all-powerful demon lord and his army! Finally, something I can handle!

Dean: eats sandwich

Li: taps the YED on the shoulder Excuse me, sir, but who are you?

Sam: The ultimate evil, presumably.

Dean: snorts Presumably…pansy…

Li: Ah…I see. cough Amateur…hey, mind moving your ugly butt off my set, Mr. Demon? But by all means, leave Sam, Dean, and the army.

YED: Why would I do that?

Li: I've always wanted my own uber demon army and De Boyz. Call it a midlife crisis.

Ava/Adara: still swarming Sam

YED: What does that leave me, then?

Li: Erm…I could always leave you with Karasu…

YED: turns pale Fine, take `em! And the Colt. Here, have my car keys, too!

Li: Thank you.

YED: glances at Karasu and flees in terror

Dean: hands Li a sandwich

Li: Ever consider being a PA?

Dean: Once.

Li: Then this will clearly be the start of a beautiful friendship. Hey! points to a demon Get me and Adara and Ava some gelato!

demon scurries off

Li: NEXT SCENE!

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Author's Note: Wow! It's a story! A new one! Can you believe it?! AND we're gonna try to update faster than we did on the last story! Except for the fact that finals are coming up next week, so it'll probably be at least that long before we post again. But after THAT there will be more!

Oh, and just so you all know—the main pairing in this story is Benji/Miguel. Hiei and Kurama will still be here sometimes, but they're NOT THE MAIN CHARACTERS. Just so you all know.

We had more things to say…I know I did…but we can't seem to remember them right now. Oh, well, we'll think of it later…