Other Fan Fiction ❯ The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything ❯ Depends On Your Definition of Mad ( Chapter 6 )

Author's Note: There are issues, and then there are ISSUES. We don't know which kind Adara was having this week when she was supposed to be typing this chapter—the less threatening kind or the Big Scary kind—but either way, they certainly contributed to the once-again-delayed-ness of the chapter. We're getting her help. We promise.

 

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Chapter 6

 

“How long `til we get to Spain, Benny?”

 

“Long enough, I guess…”

 

“Will the ship hold that long?”

 

“No idea. Guess we'll find out, won't we?”

 

“….I don't wanna find out.”

 

“Then just believe with all your heart that we'll make it and maybe…just maybe…we will.”

 

“Maybe?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“That's the best you can do?”

 

“Pretty much, yeah.”

 

“That sucks.”

 

“Yes. Yes, it does.”

 

CRASH!

 

Benji and Miguel had guessed how long their moment alone would last. They were pretty accurate when they guessed “not long `til the next big disaster, also known as Benji's Crew, comes to call.”

 

Benji sighed heavily. “Why? I just got the ship detailed.”

 

“Benji…it's the bloody 18th century. Detailing won't come in for another two hundred years,” Miguel said dryly.

 

“How…do you know that?”

 

“I'm a sexy psychic from Cuba who happens to like men.”

 

“You are the most complicated person I know who also owns pink hair bands.”

 

“That just adds to my complexity!”

 

“Yeah, you're right.”

 

“I'm really not that hard to understand, y'know, Benji. I'm just a man who knows men who like men.”

 

CRASH, BANG, BOOM!

 

Miguel blinked. “You gonna get that?”

 

“If I must.”

 

XXX

 

CHOMP!

 

“What…is in my mouth?”

 

“My…arm…?”

 

“It's chewy! You're not Benji.” It wasn't a question.

 

“Very astute. Now, first of all, OW. Second of all, that's just plain nasty. Third of all, I don't wanna know how you can tell who this Benji person is by chewing him. And what do you mean by chewy?!”

 

Silence.

 

Berkley shifted then. “I'm going to have to eat you now.”

 

“Eat me?”

 

“I haven't eaten in a week, you see, and the last thing I did eat was a radioactive green fuzz. So I have no choice now. I've got to eat you.”

 

“You're not serious.”

 

“About eating you?”

 

“No, about the fuzz. Are you…like…radioactive now?”

 

“Because, ya know, his scariness is really hanging in the balance as it is…” Benji added.

 

“Benji!!!”

 

“Okay! Who—?”

 

“He's my hugglebunny cupcake!”

 

“Eww!” Monroe shivered.

 

“I second that…” said Benji.

 

“He's my fluffy ooone!” Berkley sang. “He's my fluffy wuffy one who makes my mouth go yuuum!”

 

“Ack!”

 

“Oh, dear God!”

 

“I'm so glad you're hear to save me from this person,” Berkley cried.

 

“Hello! You were going to eat me, remember?”

 

“Alright!” Benji yelled. “Back away from the door!”

 

Monroe and Berkley obeyed—until Benji was actually in the cage, at which point the rabid thing decided to glomp him.

 

“AHH! OH, MY GOD! GET IT OFF!” the white-haired man shrieked.

 

Monroe, however, stayed put, cradling his marred arm. “Want me to intervene?” he murmured.

 

“RABID! UNCLEAN! ABOMONATION!”

 

This only made Berkley snuggle tighter. “Aww, you don't mean that, do you? My wonderful Greek god?”

 

Benji ran to the deck with the Berkley growth still attached to his back. “HELP! THERE'S A PARASITE ON MEEE!”

 

At that moment, Miguel stumbled out of his cabin and calmly shot Berkley with an elephant tranquilizer gun.

 

Berkley fell with a “thud” and was quickly fast asleep, sucking his thumb.

 

Benji smiled. “Nice save, love.”

 

Miguel blinked wildly. “Happy!”

 

Moments later, they were joined by Rin, Jiro and Erik.

 

“What's the hub-bub, bub?” Rin called, dangling from the hammock she'd tied onto the mast.

 

“Berkley got loose?” Erik frowned. “He didn't…gnaw through the bars again, did he?”

 

Jiro chuckled. “He can do that?”

 

“We're pretty sure he has acid spit.”

 

Benji sighed. “Nope, I had to open the cage.”

 

“Why, Benny?” the redhead asked quietly.

 

“I'll show you!” Benji said triumphantly, then disappeared into the brig. When he reappeared he was dragging in the semi-tall blond boy by his shirt collar.

 

Monroe, who was no older than nineteen, was still nursing his bite. He looked up at the crew and shrank. “Sal…u…tations?”

 

“Well, hi!” Rin shouted gleefully.

 

Miguel smiled kindly at the stowaway. “Hello! I'm Miguel and that's Benji—”

 

“Captain!”

 

The redhead continued as if he was never interrupted. “Rin, Jiro and Erik. Erik is the doctor, he can fix you up!”

 

But before Erik could even blink, Monroe spoke. “Fix me up…? Am I to be tortured then?”

 

“…Nooo…” Miguel said slowly, while shaking his head.

 

“Shoved off the plank?”

 

“The diving board?” Benji pondered. “Well, if you want, I guess, but I don't see what good that'll do.”

 

“I only meant that I'm a stowaway, and aren't pirates usually cruel to stowaways?”

 

“Are they?” Benji blinked. “Are…we?”

 

The crew thought for a moment before Miguel spoke up again. “But we don't do anything. That's our motto…why change now? We have a theme song and everything…” (AN: Which also doesn't belong to us!)

 

“Well, then, what do we do with him?” Benji whined.

 

“I say we recruit him,” Jiro offered.

 

“I agree.” Erik nodded.

 

“Nooo…that's a stupid idea…I say we recruit him!” Benji beamed.

 

Miguel smacked him on the back of the head. “Welcome to the crew…erm…”

 

“Monroe…Fitzerpatswezy…” the blonde replied.

 

“Seriously?” Benji gaped.

 

“Not nice, Benji!”

 

XXX

 

“Straight.”

 

Thud.

 

“Straight.”

 

“Straight, straight, straight.”

 

Thud. Thud. Thud.

 

“GAY!”

 

“GAH!”

 

THUD, BOOM, SPLASH!

 

“Oh, dear…” Benji murmured, watching with mild interest as Erik spluttered and thrashed in the water. “Well, that was rather clumsy of you, wasn't it?” he called amiably.

 

Erik shook his fist. “YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUTTA ME, YOU JERK! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”

 

“Good Lord, are you sure?” Benji asked in a flawless impression of a politely puzzled Brit.

 

“Yes!”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“YES!”

 

“Are you absolutely certain?”

 

“FOR THE LAST TIME, YES!”

 

“So I didn't then.”

 

“YES!”

 

“Phew. What a load off my mind. I thought for a second that I might've actually done it.”

 

“YOU DID DO IT!”

 

“But you just said I didn't!”

 

“No!”

 

“See? You said it again!”

 

“No—I—what?”

 

“I think you're confused, Erik,” Benji said solemnly. “Are you sure all that banging on your head didn't shake anything loose?”

 

Erik glared, climbed aboard, and stalked away angrily. As he made his way to wherever, his shoes made an odd squelching noise.

 

Benji fought every urge to laugh, but failed instantly.

 

Then, without warning, Rin fell on top of him.

 

“…Ow…”

 

Rin, who hadn't decided to get off Benji, looked down at the pirate captain and politely asked, “Have you seen my cannon?”

 

“Can't say I have,” Benji shrugged. “Check the closet. We've lost Erik, too, so if you see him in there send him out.”

 

“Oh, the subtext!” Rin announced.

 

Benji grinned. “It does work on both levels, doesn't it?”

 

Instead of answering, the cling-on dropped to the deck and took off toward the closet in the galley, screaming incoherently (as she so often did) and completely ignoring the fact that her cannon couldn't possibly fit in there.

 

XXX

 

Erik, meanwhile, was not in the closet—except for, perhaps, metaphorically speaking—but wandering in the starboard deck aimlessly and secretly hoping to “accidentally” bump into a certain someone.

 

The doctor had had a lot to think about lately—a lot of serious things that had caused him to retreat into himself (unintentionally, of course). It all made him seem rather standoffish, so it was no surprise that when said Certain Someone finally found his Certain Someone, he approached rather hesitantly—and from behind.

 

After several minutes had passed in silence (except for the crashing of the waves and Rin's distant roaring), Erik laughed suddenly. “I didn't see you, so I should have known you were there.”

 

Jiro chuckled as he came to join Erik at the rail. “I'm always here.”

 

“I guess that's true. How's the arm?”

 

Jiro examined his split. “All doctored up thanks to a certain…special…someone.”

 

Erik blushed and focused his eyes on the rail.

 

“You always do that,” Jiro murmured.

 

“Do…what?”

 

“When I say things like that, you act like you don't believe me.”

 

Erik didn't reply.

 

“Well…I just came to see how you were. You've seemed sort of depressed lately.”

 

“I'm fine.”

 

Jiro chuckled, but there was no mirth in the sound. “Liar.” He paused for a moment. “Erik, why don't you just say it?”

 

Erik blinked in confusion. “Say what?”

 

“Tell me to go away. Get annoyed at me, snap at me, whatever. Just…be assertive about it, for once!”

 

There was a very long silence, finally broken by Erik's quiet voice. “Is that what you think? That I want you gone?”

 

“What am I supposed to think, Erik?!”

 

Erik just looked down at his hands again.

 

Jiro sighed, and the sound had an “I give up” sort of ring to it. He turned to walk away…only to be stopped by a hand around his wrist.

 

“Huh…?”

 

Then he was gently pulled around to face the object of his infatuation, and their faces were only inches apart.

 

“Erik, what are you doing?” he whispered.

 

“Being assertive…” Erik replied, his voice equally soft, before bringing his lips to Jiro's in a gentle, hesitant kiss.

 

XXX

 

Benji's mouth dropped open as he stood several yards away, watching the exchange with very wide eyes.

 

Rin came up behind him a moment later and proclaimed, “Erik's not in the closet, cap'n.”

 

“…Kinda noticed…” Benji replied dazedly.

 

Rin blinked and followed his gaze. “…THE END IS NIGH!” she screamed, running to take shelter under her bed as Erik and Jiro remained oblivious to her, the captain, the crew, and pretty much the rest of the world.

 

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Author's Note: And it's so short, too. We're sorry, guys! And we hope that what it lacked in quantity, it made up for in quality!