Other Fan Fiction ❯ The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything ❯ Belgian Waffles and Situations ( Chapter 10 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Chapter 10

“So…where are we going?” Miguel asked, looking up from the map scrawled across the table.

Benji continued to stare at the map with a very serious expression on his face. “We're here now…” he said, pointing to France.

Miguel sighed and moved his finger to the correct point—the correct point being Tortuga.

Benji ignored this and continued as if Miguel were still listening. “And from there we go Eastish…” (1)

“To…Italy…”

“…No…Belgium!”

“Belgium? Why Belgium?”

“Belgian waffles…”

“Benji, we're, if you haven't noticed, still docked in Tortuga. Belgium is waaay over here! That could take months! And we're not stopping anywhere else?”

“Well, I guess….”

“You mean you haven't thought this through?”

“Nope.”

“So what are we supposed to do? Sail until we starve?”

“Erm…”

“Benji, you define what it means to be a moron.”

“Hey! I know exactly what I'm doing!”

“Then I assume you've given thought to the fact that we might go crazy and have to kill and EAT Simon?”

“That might be unpleasant.”

“Or worse.”

“What's worse than having to eat Simon?” Benji questioned.

“We might get scurvy!” Miguel explained.

“Eep! Hey…wait…what's scurvy?”

“I don't know, but it sounds bad.”

“So…what, then?”

“Let's call a super special meeting of great importance! We shall invite everyone we know!”

“Or we could invite those losers that would still probably follow me even if I were to announce that we were sailing off the edge of the world because there was candy on the other side.”

“Those `losers' are everyone we know, Benny.”

“Oh…well, there goes my self-esteem.”

XXX

Little did they know that, back in Spain, King Fabio was planning their demise…

But first!

“Sire…our water supply was shut off to keep your `Slip `n Slide' wet and I am unable to bathe any of my thirteen children,” said Nameless Peasant Number 1.

King Fabio stared past him at the hundreds of citizens just behind him waiting to complain.

Fortunately for him he had a very democratic way to get his frustrations over with.

What did he do, you ask?

Well, he consulted his Ye Olde Magic Ball of Eight.

He shook the magic device and stared down expectantly, ready to read its advice. “…Nay.”

“Sir?”

“Nay, peasant! You are never to bathe again!”

“Okay…” the peasant frowned as he was pushed out. Peasant Number 2 moved forward and cleared his throat. “My feet smell!”

Blink. Blink. “Indeed…”

“And I need a new string for my banjo!” shouted the next man.

“…Erm?”

“And a shoe that matches this `un!” cried a woman.

“I have eleven toes!”

“Can I have fries with that?”

“My wife left me for my neighbor! And she took my dog!”

“I'm emotional!”

“I'm not emotional enough!”

“I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die!”

Suddenly the room erupted into a noise of combined complaints that even the sanest man wouldn't understand. So Fabio did what any self-respecting ruler would do. He hid under his bed.

Fabio turned to the eight ball and sighed. “Will I ever find true love?”

The eight ball's response: “Asketh at a later date.”

“Alright. Will I ever be able to eat pie again?”

“Nay…it shall go to thine hips forthwith.”

“Boo…um. Do you think my plan of revenge will succeed?”

“In thine dreams.”

“So…true love…anything?”

In self-defense, the ball rolled away.

“NOOOO!”

XXX

Miguel actually felt his brain turning into goo. After two straight hours of nonstop yelling and cursing in Spanish, he was finally beginning to understand that he couldn't understand what went through a pirate's mind when he was tired, starving, and/or alcohol deprived.

“We could go to Switzerland and eat chocolate.”

“Switzerland is entirely landlocked, Benji.”

“Landlocked, huh? Whazzat mean?”

“Totally inaccessible by water transport,” Erik groaned.

Monroe, who had been mostly keeping to himself, hesitantly raised his hand.

“Yes, Monroe?” Miguel asked with a reassuring smile on his face.

“May I go to the ba—I mean the `room where legends die'?”

“NO!”

Benji screeched.

“Shut. Up. Benji! Yes, Monroe, you may go,” the redhead told the now-quivering Monroe.

Like a mouse he scrambled to his feet and scurried away.

“Jeez, Benji…scaring the help is not going to help our cause,” Jiro said sympathetically.

“Sorry,” Benji sighed, clearly effected by Jiro's tone.

“Benji's trying to regain his self-esteem,” Miguel added knowingly.

“Well, when all he has to hang around with is you lot, our good ol' captain here should just kiss his dignity and self-esteem goodbye,” drawled a familiar stone-cold voice.

Everyone turned to see Simon standing by the doorway. None of them were really surprised; he would, after all, have found some way to eventually slither into their lives.

“Oh, joy,” Rin said, breaking the uncomfortable silence. “How'd you even get in here?”

The dark-eyed man smirked, dragging Monroe into the galley by his shirt collar. “Thank whiskers here…a mouse will always lead you through the sewers.”

Monroe shrugged, probably too used to the abuse and nicknames of his previous crew. “Sorry, Benji.”

And with that Simon pushed Monroe so he would fall to his hands and knees, stepped over him, and continued walking to the table. He saw down and leaned back. “So this is what the grown-up table feels like? What a letdown…”

“Really, Simon?” Benji sighed, mildly disgusted. “Picking on the weakest member of the crew. No offense, Monroe,” he added.

“None taken,” Monroe, who was now back at the table next to Jiro—because he was big and intimidating—piped.

“I mean, that is low.”

“Aww, don't make me feel all bad. I didn't know he was the weakest. I always pegged Erik as the lowest of your standards.”

Erik, already far too re-accustomed to this abuse to outwardly acknowledge it, nevertheless averted his eyes to the tabletop. The next moment, however, he smiled slightly as Jiro pulled him close and squeezed his hand under the table.

Failing to notice that the rest of the crew was looking at him with something remarkably like hatred, Simon took a swig from the flask that seemed to be permanently attached to his hand and asked, “So what're we talking about, ladies? And Rin?”

Benji gave Simon one last, withering look and turned back to the map that was spread across the table in front of him. “What about Britain?”

“You're wanted in Britain, remember?” Erik reminded him helpfully.

“Damn. Okay…France?”

“Ugh, please, never again,” Rin interjected emphatically.

“Yeah, I gotta go with Rin on that one,” Miguel agreed.

Benji growled. “Et tu, Brutus?” Then he looked down at the map and brightened. “I still say we go to Belgium.”

“What the hell is in Belgium?” Jiro inquired.

Benji looked at the chaplain as though he were a bit stupid. “Um…waffles? Duh?”

“Waffles?!” Rin chirped. “I say let's go!”

“…Yeah, great as that sounds,” Simon said, making his opinions known with a less-than-subtle hint of sarcasm in his voice, “how about something…a little more reasonable?”

“Oooh! Cuba!” Miguel clapped his hands enthusiastically, then frowned as the entire crew groaned in response. “…What?”

“What about Spain?” Simon said loudly, as though speaking slowly and deliberately at the top of his lungs would make them stop looking at him as if he were slime on the bottom of Berkley's toe.

This was greeted with a very long and confused silence.

“You are an idiot,” Benji said dismissively as he began carving a heart with he and Miguel's initials in it into the tabletop with his knife.

“Hold on, Benji…” Miguel cut in, studying the map intently. “He might have a point…”

Benji glared at the redhead. “You are dead to me.”

“No, think about it. You were saying a few days ago that you wanted to go to Italy sometime. I've always wanted to go to Greece, and Erik said something about refusing to die before he sees the Pyramids. Spain would be a good pit stop before all that—we could get some supplies and repairs cheap there, and then move on to the Mediterranean. It makes sense.”

The rest of the crew nodded in reluctant approval of this logic.

Benji was very clearly ready to kill, but as usual, he couldn't refuse Miguel. “…Fine. But I don't like it.” And with that, he rolled up his map and left without another word to set a course for Spain.

XXX

When Miguel finally found Benji, the pirate captain had wandered up to the crow's nest and was stewing in silence. He was so caught up in his fuming that he didn't notice or acknowledge the redhead's presence until a pair of arms wrapped around him from behind. Miguel turned his head so that his cheek rested against Benji's back and after a long silence asked quietly, “You okay?”

Benji sighed heavily. “I hate him.”

Miguel smiled slightly. “We all do.”

“Erik doesn't.”

The redhead snorted. “Don't be so sure.”

Benji chuckled in spite of himself, turning to pull Miguel into a hug. “I'm fine,” he said after a moment, releasing his lover.

Miguel studied his face for a moment, then rose on tiptoe to plant a kiss on his cheek. Taking Benji's hand and tugging on it, the redhead said, “C'mon, let's go to bed.”

“And…what are we going to do in bed?” Benji asked, his eyes twinkling.

“Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to take a nap.”

“Aww, Miguel…”

Miguel laughed. “Tell you what. Race me back to the cabin. You beat me, and…maybe I'll give you something.”

He started to lean up for a kiss…and was shoved rather rudely aside as Benji made an eager dash for the ladder, loud laughter following him as the redhead took off after him.

XXX

Li's Apartment: 12:09 P.M.

Ava: sipping coffee Should we wake her?

Adara: lowers newspaper Eh…it's quiet.

Ava: Bonus!

Li: shuffles in with bed head, hugging Rico Wha' time is it?

Adara: Twelve ten….

Li: In the afternoon?

Ava: Yep.

Li: eye twitches WHAT THE F—

Movie Set

Benji: sighs Miguel, could you hurry, please?

Miguel: glares Hey, I'm doing you a favor! And it's not as easy as it looks!

Benji: shifty eyes Sorry. I just don't want anyone to see this!

Miguel: Well, Benji, it's not my fault you can't do this by yourself.

Benji: But if I did I couldn't ask you to do it for me.

Miguel: You're hopeless.

Rin: Dirty! Listening outside their trailer

Erik: What are you doing?

Rin: Nothing! Scurries away

Erik: Eh? Benji? opens the door What the hell?

Miguel: There…all done!

Erik: Benji…that's pathetic. You can't tie your own shoes?!

Rin: distant scream Aw, c'mon!

Miguel: drops hairbrush What?

Erik: Don't ask.

Miguel: fishes cell phone out of his pocket No, my cell is vibrating. Erm, hello?

(Loud Female Voice): Miguel! Thank God!

Miguel: Li?

(Li): Yes! Who else calls you?

Miguel: Lotsa people…

(Li): Hmm…don't care. Anyways, my so-called friends didn't wake me this morning—

(Ava): We tried!

(Adara): But with all the snoring—

(Li): I do NOT snore!

(Adara): You don't know that…

(Ava): Stop looking at her! Keep your eyes on the road!

(Adara): Die!

(Li): I'm firing you if we die!

Miguel: Erm…

(Li): I Mapquested (2) directions to the set and apparently Mapquest is shorthand for fail.

Miguel: sighs Where are you?

(Li): No idea…

(Ava): Oooh!

(Li): What?!

(Ava): We were supposed to turn left at the Pants Mailbox..

(Adara): Nooo! That was half an hour ago…

(Li): Holy crap! How long is this road?!

(Ava): Um…Li…? Looks toward the heavens I know how long this road is…

(Li): Huh?

(Adara): How'd we get on Route 66?!

(Li): O…M…G…UE! UE! Pull a UEEEEE!!!

(Ava): Dude, has anyone seen my spleen?

Miguel: hangs up

Benji: Who was that?

Miguel: puts down phone Well…

Phone: vibrates

Miguel: whimpers When she calls she's always angry…

Benji: She is Li. Hrm, I can fix this…hey, Simon!

Simon: What? Withering stare

Benji: Phone for you. hands phone to Simon

Simon: shocked that anyone would want to talk to him Hello?

(Li): incoherent screaming

Simon: extreme shock

Rin awoke in the galley the following morning, face-planted in last night's triple chocolate sundae, no less.

“Oh, yeah…I'm not,” she chided herself, wiping the drool from the corner of her mouth.

“Oh, jeez! Holy hell, woman, don't you have a cabin or something?” Simon groaned as he walked in.

“So do you! Why don't you just stay there?”

The dark-eyed man smirked, “Dying to know, are we?”

“No! God, no!”

“This is why I never stick around to actually look at a woman in the morning…”

“That is disgusting!”

“What? I'm disgusting because I like to think women wake up beautiful, or that you're an exception to the rule? Where's the coffee?”

“…Right there and I hate you.”

“If I only had a woman for every time I hear that…oh, wait—”

“Say one more crude thing and I will kill you.”

“Without showing the slightest emotion, Simon poured some coffee. “Ya know, if I turned off the lights, stood far away, closing one eye and squinting the other…maybe tilting my head to the side…you're not horrible to look at.”

“A heartfelt compliment. Sailor, take me away,” Rin said flatly.

Suddenly Simon smiled. A real smile? He even laughed a little bit.

Rin looked in her sundae. Can you spike ice cream?

“Here, drink this. You look like you could use a pick-me-up,” Simon said generously, setting a cup of coffee in front of Rin.

“Stop it!”

“Stop what?”

“Being weird…wait! You're flirting with me.”

Silence.

“You think I'm sexy!”

“I really don't.”

“You want to…kiss me!”

“…Please…”

“Well, obviously.”

“Well, you don't utterly repulse me, I'll give you that.”

Rin smiled. “And you…don't repulse me. Actually…no. Never mind.”

“What?”

“I suppose you're the kinda guy I should stay away from.”

“I am.”

“Yes. You are. You are the most horrible and vulgar man I've ever met.”

“Honey, I've seen the guys you hand out with. I'm the only man you've ever met.”

SLAP!

And with that Rin was out the door—then right back in it to yell, “That means no, by the way!”

And then back out again.

Simon shrugged and began drinking his coffee. Oh, goody, I like a challenge…

----------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------

Eastish: a general eastward direction

Mapquest: It's a verb now! Isn't that cool?

Authors' Note: Our typist is tired. A cat has been sitting on her arm and/or her face all night, including while she typed this chapter. She is too exhausted to write anything else for an author's note.

But we'd all like it if you reviewed!