Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ Welcome to the FootLocker ( Chapter 7 )

Chapter Seven: Welcome to the FootLocker

 

[The screen turns to a blinding shade of white. A nose shows up on the left side of the screen. It sniffs its way along to a peanut. The camera cuts out to show Knuckles preparing to eat said peanut. A gunshot rings out, and Knuckles drops to the deck. The camera rotates to…Knuckles.]

 

Knuckles: (putting away his pistol) Bitch, nobody touches my penis except me. And the ladies.

 

[Off-screen murmuring.]

 

Knuckles: I said penis.

 

[More murmuring.]

 

Knuckles: What do you mean “the salted kind”?

 

[More murmuring.]

 

Knuckles: I wouldn't know, I don't eat them.

 

[Still more murmuring.]

 

Knuckles: Oh. Peanuts. Hehe. My bad! Well, um…carry on.

 

[Knuckles stares towards the screen for a few seconds.]

 

Knuckles: God, this is ridiculous.

 

[Knuckles looks around for a couple more seconds.]

 

Knuckles: Alright men, jiggle those squibs!

 

[The camera pans across the deck of the Black Pearl, and the ship is crewed by about a hundred Knuckles with all sorts of personality disorders. This part of the movie is supposed to be hysterically funny, but it really isn't.]

 

Knuckles #2: Captain, the squibs have been jiggled!

 

Knuckles: Really? Because I'm looking at them right now and what I see are unjiggled squibs.

 

Knuckles #2: But I jiggled them!

 

Knuckles: Oh, you lying scum.

 

[Knuckles stabs Knuckles #2 while all the other Knuckles watch in horror.]

 

Knuckles: (turning to the crew) Gentlemen, this is getting way too fucking bizarre. At first I was fine with this, but now what I have is a crew of deficient tards, savvy? I mean, look at Knuckles 112, he's making out with a sheep.

 

Sheep: (in the throes of passion) BAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

 

Knuckles: Exactly. And I can't abide to see myself making love to a sheep. Even if it is a fine, well groomed sheep.

 

[The camera rotates around, and the ship's deck is shown to be empty. Knuckles is talking out loud to himself.]

 

Knuckles: And you, Knuckles 23, why do you continue to insist on walking around naked? Do you think anybody is impressed? Gentlemen, you have, I must say, failed me as a crew. We've made no progress, except for Knuckles 112, who is currently balls deep in a sheep. So, now, I declare, I rid myself of this madness. I shall sacrifice myself to the harsh ocean. Good day to you all.

 

[Knuckles grabs a rope and swings off the side of the ship and lands on the ground. The camera zooms out to show that the Black Pearl is stuck on a gigantic expanse of blinding white sand that stretches as far as the eye can see. As the camera zooms back in, Knuckles picks up a rock and looks at it. He tosses it away.]

 

Knuckles: Fucking injustice. No wind. No water. No crew. No hot babes to fuck the time away.

 

[Knuckles stops and looks over his shoulder. The rock is behind him.]

 

Knuckles: Hehe…I'm being chased by the Rock…what are you cookin', cause I can't smell it…heehee…where are the ladies to appreciate my wit?

 

[Knuckles picks up the rock and licks it.]

 

Knuckles: Definitely a rock.

 

[He chucks it away.]

 

Knuckles: Chased by rocks…that's new.

 

[The camera cuts to the rock as it turns into a crab {Author's Note: This makes no sense to me either}. The rock crab watches as Knuckles tries to use a rope to pull the Black Pearl along the sand. Knuckles turns to see the crab and falls into a dead faint. The crab walks up to a bunch of rocks, which promptly also turn into crabs. And they pick up the Black Pearl and start moving it away. Knuckles wakes up and notices the Pearl is being carried off by crabs. He stares for a moment and then chases after the Pearl and the crabs. And I'm going to leave this whole sequence now, because to be honest, it makes my head hurt. The scene cuts to a shore, where the various crew members of the junk are pulling themselves onto land. Rouge pulls herself out of the water, shirt clinging to her ample, heaving chest and…hey, you! Stop masturbating! Yes, I can see you, and you should be ashamed of yourself.]

 

Boris: This truly is Stalin-forsaken place…

 

Rouge: I don't see Knuckles…I don't see anybody.

 

Megabyte: Take two guesses as to what I'm seeing.

 

Rouge: My foot in your ass?

 

Megabyte: Close, but much moister.

 

Sonic: Enough already.

 

Eggman: Welcome one and all, to Big the Cat's FootLocker!

 

[The crew looks around. Sure enough, shoes are on display at prices so ridiculously inflated that your wallet starts crying when you look at the price tag.]

 

Rouge: Truly a God-forsaken land!

 

Boris: I just said that...

 

Sonic: Yeah, this hasn't been a waste of time at all. No ship, no Knuckles, and jackasses as far as the eye can see.

 

Amy: Not to worry…widdy Knuckles is closer than you think…

 

Sonic: This had better not be a gag involving you saying that he's inside one of your orifices, because I will be sick.

 

[Suddenly, the Black Pearl crabs into view {Author's Note: Presuming, of course, that is the term one uses to describe a mode of locomotion chiefly provided by crustaceans} over the nearest sand dune. Knuckles stands triumphantly on one of those parts that sticks out horizontally from the mast. The crew of the junk stare in shock as whatever realism and dignity this trilogy still desperately clung to vanishes into thin air, never to return.]

 

Random Chinese Guy: Fucking hell, I coulda been in “Transformers”…

 

[The Black Pearl glides into the water and the little crab rock things crawl under…Amy's dress? That makes a fucking load of sense right there.]

 

Boris: Well, hand me over to the KGB, it's the Comrade Captain!

 

[Smiles cross over the faces of those around. Rouge smiles a smile that is usually associated with the throes of orgasm. She looks over guiltily to Sonic, notices he isn't paying any attention, and then licks her lips in a way that could induce orgasm. Knuckles strides onto the shore and walks towards the people running towards him. He turns to stare at Boris.]

 

Knuckles: Now, my dear Boris, would you care to explain why, as it were, was I recently fucking ship upon my own sheep?

 

Boris: Errr…what now?

 

Knuckles: Or sheep on the ship. I do believe her name was Jane…

 

Boris: Comrade Captain, you're in Big the Cat's FootLocker!

 

Knuckles: You're telling me! These Reeboks were like, 300 smackers.

 

Boris: Uhh…

 

Knuckles: And who else has shown up to this tea party? Arthas! Cervantes! Megabyte! Gordon! A pleasure to see you all!

 

Megabyte: I do believe he may have gone slightly insane…

 

Knuckles: Oh, there is nothing slight about it. My goodness, Robotnik, it has been far too long.

 

Eggman: I beg to disagree. Not long enough.

 

Knuckles: That is certainly not what your mom said last night when I was plowing her! Oh, and Amy too! There is nothing that could brighten my day more than to see your disease ridden excuse for a female body here.

 

Amy: I will eat you.

 

Knuckles: Darling Amy, you already have.

 

Sonic: Oh that is just vile.

 

Knuckles: Sonic as well! Oh, this is just spec-ta-cu-lar! What brings you here, dear boy? Don't lie, it's my cock isn't it? You want to ride the Black Seas Barracuda, don't you? Once wasn't enough, huh?

 

Sonic: No…no, not at all. No.

 

Knuckles: Then there is quite clearly no reason for you to be here.

 

Rouge: We're here to rescue you, you idiot!

 

[Knuckles looks around for a minute, clearly puzzled then rushes back to Boris.]

 

Knuckles: I'm in the FootLocker?

 

Boris: Da, Comrade Captain.

 

Knuckles: Huh. That…hmm…then what brings you all here?

 

Rouge: Oh, for the love of FUCK. We're here to rescue you!

 

Knuckles: Really? Rescue me? Captain Knuckles the fucking Echidna? What makes you think I need rescue? In fact, I seem to be in possession of the only ship here and it would seem that you need to be rescued, as opposed to me being in need of rescue, savvy?

 

Rouge: You arrogant prick.

 

Eggman: (pointing to the Black Pearl) Hey, I see my ship out there.

 

Knuckles: Really? It must be a tiny little insignificant vessel that couldn't please anyone, hiding behind my massive girthy Pearl which has been known to have trouble fitting into some tighter ports.

 

Sonic: Alright, enough of this veiled penile innuendo, we gotta do something! Lord Shadow has the heart of Big the Cat! He controls the Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction!

 

Rouge: He's taking over the seas!

 

Amy: I can lick my own clitorati!

 

Eggman: And we have now crossed into the realm of way too much fucking information.

 

Knuckles: And she ain't kidding, lads!

 

Sonic: If anybody needs me, I shall be emptying the contents of my stomach into the ocean.

 

[Knuckles starts to walk away from the rest of the characters.]

 

Knuckles: Come on, I leave you guys for five minutes and the worlds gone to pot!

 

Eggman: The world has gone to pot? The world?

 

Knuckles: Alright, fine, I went to pot. Point remains, however.

 

Megabyte: The world needs your help! Which is kinda sad!

 

Sonic: (retching into the water) And you need a crew!

 

[Knuckles stops, turns around and faces the…peeps, I guess.]

 

Knuckles: Why should I sail with any you? Four of you have tried to kill me, one has succeeded. Three more have tried to bring me to orgasm, and six of you have succe- wait, make that seven of you have succeeded.

 

[Sonic turns to look at Rouge, who looks flustered.]

 

Knuckles: She never told you? Oh boy, we are gonna have some fun here!

 

[Amy walks up to Knuckles.]

 

Amy: (trying to be seductive, but failing) You can't say you didn't enjoy it at the time…

 

Knuckles: I did. Until such time as I turned on the light, and lo and behold, I was not sleeping with a supple twelve year old boy as I had presumed, but rather, a pre-teen hedgehog with no breasts and a bad case of tooth rot. But, I did contract that one disease that killed the veritable menagerie of others I had, so you can join my crew.

 

[Knuckles begins to walk down the line of people.]

 

Knuckles: Cervantes: ridiculously broken in your game. I'll pass. Boris: knows where the rum is at, you're in. Arthas: reassures me of my own sexuality, come along. Random Midget: provides comic relief, you get to come. Megabyte: too imposing, pass. Gordon Freeman: only guy who won't complain, and I do like that. You come too.

 

[Knuckles stops.]

 

Knuckles: And who the fuck are you?

 

Random Chinese Guy: Ping-Pong. And these (points to the Chinese dudes behind him) are my men.

 

Knuckles: And who do you work for, Ping-Pong?

 

Ping-Pong: The local union in charge of extras who will have no more than ten minutes screen time and five or six lines.

 

Knuckles: (whispers) I got pot.

 

Ping-Pong: We shall follow you to the ends of the world. Figuratively speaking, as we are already there. Here. Whatever.

 

Knuckles: Fascinating. Alright, crew, man the ship! We are leaving this forsaken dump! Make sure to get receipts!

 

[Knuckles pulls out his compass and opens it. The arrow just spins round and round. Knuckles closes it. He turns to face Eggman and the rest of the rejected crew.]

 

Eggman: (holding the map, smiling like a creepy motherfucker) Knuckles, which way do you think you're going?

 

Knuckles: Son-of-a-bitch.