Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ Tards on an Island ( Chapter 17 )

Chapter Seventeen: Tards on an Island

 

[The scene cuts to a fog bank. After a few seconds, the pirate fleet begins to sail by. It's fairly impressive, and probably contains two dozen ships or so. Everyone is standing around looking all dramatic and pensive. The camera rotates to show the fog ahead of the fleet. A lone ship appears on the horizon.]

 

Random Midget: There's the enemy! Let's take `em down boys!

 

[The pirates start cheering, thrusting swords, guns, and crowbars into the air. Victory seems inevitable and everyone is cheering like mad. Only one among them keeps his Spartan reserve. Only one. Only Eggman. And then the fog lifts. The horizon is covered by hundreds upon hundreds of massive ships. There might even be an aircraft carrier or two in there somewhere {Author's Note: Remember how I told you to keep in mind that scene with the map and all the models? Here's the payoff}. The pirates suddenly are far less enthusiastic about the whole “going to war” thing. Rouge, “Little Miss All Gung-Ho About Going to War” looks positively mortified. Everyone turns to stare at Knuckles. He shrugs guiltily.]

 

Knuckles: Too late for a recount, huh?

 

[The camera cuts to a shot of a small spit o' land, conveniently located between the two fleets. Two small boats are beached on either end of the spit. Knuckles, Rouge, and Eggman are walking from one side. Shadow, Sonic, and Big the Cat in a bucket are standing at the other end. Unnecessary and completely inappropriate electric guitar chords are now in the soundtrack and fuck if I know why that decision was made. Disregarding the fact that this music makes no fucking sense in terms of the film, or even previous musical themes of the movie,the soundtrack is going ballistic as the camera pans dramatically over the faces, feet, hands, crotches, asses, etc, etc, of all the cast members meeting on this spit o' land. Hell, the music is about to go all “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly” on us. You know, the “wa wa waaaaah” part? Yeah, just like that. But not as cool. Now imagine that with electric guitars and what I swear is the theme from “Mighty Max” thrown into the mix. Now you know why I weep. Cue about a minute more of Dramatic Camera Panningâ„¢. Eggman checks his watch.]

 

Eggman: Alright, enough with the ancillary bullshit. We're all very impressed Mr. Zimmer, but we've got a plot to finish massacring. I see that Sonic is the person who betrayed us all.

 

Shadow: Please, Sonic is but a tool.

 

[Pause.]

 

Sonic: Isn't there more to that line?

 

Shadow: No.

 

Sonic: You prick.

 

Shadow: However, should you seek the master of this intricate plan of betrayal, may I draw your attention to your left.

 

[Eggman looks to Rouge, who looks to Knuckles, who looks off into space before realizing Shadow is talking about him.]

 

Knuckles: Me? That's slander…I obviously couldn't be involved in this. I am far too upstanding a citizen to be involved in such plotting and scheming. Plus, I'm kind of retarded, savvy?

 

Sonic: What was done was done of my own free will. I have my reasons, and Knuckles is innocent in all this.

 

Knuckles: Ah! See, listen to the fag.

 

Sonic: Tool.

 

Knuckles: That's what I said.

 

Rouge: Sonic, I've been aboard the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction, it's too late to save your father now. It's a lost cause.

 

Sonic: No cause is lost so long as someone believes in it! Also, be yourself!

 

Knuckles: Wow, now you sound like the tool of some large soulless corporation that wants us to “believe in ourselves” by buying severely overpriced merchandise…

 

[“Pirates of the Caribbean” bed sets, furniture, clothing, toys, display pieces, and accessories can be purchased online at www.disneystore.com. Also, look for merchandise from the new Pixar hit “Wall•E” at just about every store on Earth. Honestly, just go out there and buy a toy of M-O. You can't say he wasn't cute.]

 

Shadow: Knuckles if you weren't involved, then tell me, how did I come into possession of this?

 

[Shadows pulls out the Magic Compass {Author's Note: Not “The Golden Compass”, the movie that somehow robbed “Transformers” of an Oscar for best special effects} and tosses it to Knuckles.]

 

Shadow: You made a deal with me to hand the pirates over to me. Stop being so bashful! Come on down and select your prize! We have a lovely dinette set, and some elegant patio furniture that will surely make up for betraying all of your friends.

 

Big: Also, you still owe me. One hundred years of service aboard the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction…as a start!

 

Knuckles: That debt was paid!

 

Big: You escaped!

 

Rouge: I propose an exchange.

 

[Knuckles looks shocked.]

 

Shadow: I'm listening.

 

Rouge: We take Sonic…and in exchange, you get Knuckles. It's a fair deal, one tool for another.

 

[Knuckles looks positively flabbergasted.]

 

Sonic: Done!

Knuckles: Fuck no! Undone!

 

Shadow: Done!

 

[Eggman turns to Rouge.]

 

Eggman: Knuckles is, shockingly enough, one of the Nine Pirate Lords! You can't trade him away like a Pokémon card!

 

Rouge: I'm the Pirate King, so, you know, fuck that shit. I make the rules.

 

[Knuckles bows elaborately before Rouge, sweeping his hat off.]

 

Knuckles: Whatever my mammarily-gifted King demands.

 

Eggman: Swine!

 

[Eggman pulls his sword out and cuts the jewelry from Knuckles' hair. He walks up to Knuckles.]

 

Eggman: If you be having things to say, I may be having things to say to you.

 

[They stare each other down.]

 

Knuckles: Cryptic message that only makes sense to the two of us.

 

[Knuckles walks off towards Shadow and Big, as Sonic walks towards Rouge and Eggman, leaving the audience under the impression that they just missed something of some importance. Knuckles stands next to Big, who leans really close to him.]

 

Big: Do you feel death?

 

Knuckles: I feel something, but I doubt its death…bit too sticky to be death, to be honest.

 

[Shadow takes a dramatic step forward.]

 

Shadow: Advise your fellow pirates, you have two options. You can fight in which case you will all die. Or, you can surrender in which case only most of you will die. And those that live, well, they will tend to be female, and they will tend to be raped.

 

[Rouge takes a dramatic step forward.]

 

Rouge: You murdered my father!

 

Shadow: I offered him the illusion of free will. And he made his choice.

 

Rouge: And you've chosen yours. We will fight. And you will die.

 

[Rouge turns and storms off towards her boat. Sonic follows her. Eggman stares at Knuckles for a second, picks up the jewelry he cut from Knuckles' hair and follows after Rouge and Sonic.]

 

Shadow: We shall see…we shall see…

 

[The scene cuts to the interior of the brig of the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction {Author's Note: As an aside, this movie just doesn't end, does it?}. Knuckles is in a cell with a very glum expression on his face. Kazoos or something are introduced to the soundtrack.]

 

Voice That Sounds Like Tiny Knuckles 1: Bravo!

 

[Knuckles turns around to see a Medium Sized Knuckles sitting in the cell.]

 

Knuckles: What?

 

Medium Sized Knuckles: Well, your plan to get on the Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction worked without a hitch.

 

Medium Sized Knuckles 2: You know, except for the whole “being thrown in the brig” deal, the plan was flawless.

 

Knuckles: Why are you guys still around?

 

Medium Sized Knuckles 1: Where do you expect us to go? Mall Security threw us out of the FootLocker.

 

Voice That Sounds Suspiciously Like Knuckles: Ugghth.

 

[Knuckles and the two Medium Sized Knuckles turn to look at the back wall of the brig. A Knuckles is back there, fused to the wall, looking particularly fishy. He leans forward and leaves his back half on the wall, his brain jiggling in the air.]

 

Particularly Fishy Knuckles: You've got to stab the heart…but how are you going to do that from inside the brig?

 

[Then, and I shit you not, Particularly Fishy Knuckles pulls his brain out of his skull and licks it. For no damn reason! Honestly, what in fuck was the logic here? How was this decision arrived at? Was one executive like “Hey, you know what would be cool, if he pulled his brain out and licked it!” and then the director is all like “Wow, that is seriously awesome! The kids will love it! Let's do it!”. These sorts of people should be euthanized. Knuckles and the two Medium Sized Knuckles look on with the appropriate amount of revulsion. Medium Sized Knuckles #2 then plays with Knuckles' hair and pulls something out.]

 

Medium Sized Knuckles 2: (grinning like a moron) Ooh! A penis!

 

Off-screen voice: Peanut! NUT! We've been through this, you mongoloid!