Pokemon Fan Fiction ❯ Pokemon Coast to Coast ❯ Dreams ( Chapter 2 )

(We see a desert planet. In a wide shot, Bulbasaur, Charmander and Squirtle are sitting at their usual commissary table by a campfire. A hooting owl can be heard. A shooting star falls. Bulbasaur is holding his head.)

Charmander: Are we still canoeing later?

Bulbasaur: (quickly jerking head up) I'm awake! (Sips his coffee)

Squirtle: No time for canoeing. We have a foundation to--

Bulbasaur: (interrupting) What was he about to say, Charmander?

Charmander: Well, we run a foundation for inner-city Chinese children, ehh, who we first fire-proof, and then we set 'em on fire to see if it worked -- and it often does.

(As she talks, we hear a wolf howl off in the distance.)

Bulbasaur: Huh. People pay you for this?

Squirtle: They pay us to put 'em out.

Bulbasaur: I was talking to Charmander! (We hear the first four notes of the Pokemon theme, but it immediately fades out. Another shooting star falls.) Well, I have a better foundation, but you'll have to miss your foundation activities if you want to see how good mine is.

Charmander: Hey, what's your foundation about?

Bulbasaur: You don't know because I don't-- I not know. But one thing's for sure, there's gonna be animals! (We hear the same four notes of the Pokemon theme.)

(Back at the Set. There is static on the monitor.)

Bulbasaur: Charmander, where are the animals?

(Control room.)

Charmander: Umm, what animals?

Bulbasaur: (on monitor) You see, Charmander... Kids are more likely to trust their investments with animals.

Squirtle: We could just get some poor people and treat 'em like animals.

Bulbasaur: Squirtle, write this down: No. (Squirtle stares back at him.)

(Control room.)

Bulbasaur: (on monitor) Charmander, get me Lassie so I can raise money for retardos.

Charmander: Okay, fine.

(She pulls lever. "FEED SEARCH STANDBY" pops up on screen briefly, then we see Lassie, who barks a few times.)

(Set. Bulbasaur watches as Lassie barks a couple more times.)

Bulbasaur: Charmander, how much money's come in?

(Control room. On the monitor, it says "TOTAL $0000.00" over the shot of Lassie.)

Charmander: (pointing at total) Uhh, none. None money.

(Set.)

Bulbasaur: That is such b.s. The author told me that--

Squirtle: Hey, brother! Yo, brother!

Bulbasaur: What?

Squirtle: You want to know how to make a lot of money?

Bulbasaur: How? Blow this dog up?

Squirtle: Umm...

Bulbasaur: There's probably a lot of money in that.

(Lassie looks confused.)

Squirtle: Okay, yeah. Sure.

(Lassie barks and Bulbasaur blasts him into a cartoon puff of smoke.)

Bulbasaur: Charmander, now how much money?

(Control room.)

Charmander: Uhh... (Garbled) none.

Bulbasaur: (on monitor) Get me a cuter animal!

Charmander: Okay, I'm on it.

(Set. On the monitor, "FEED SEARCH STANDBY" pops up, then Eric Cartman from South Park fades in.)

Eric: Good evening, folks. I don't know what to say, I don’t know if I’m even on, or--

Bulbasaur: Ooo, nice one, Charmander. (To Eric) Hello, little fella! What's your name?

Eric: Oh, yes. Here we go. The gayass.

Bulbasaur: (in cutesy voice) What's your name, little boy?

Eric: Don't fuck with me!

Bulbasaur: Ooh, little boy's got teeth.

Eric: Get to the plug.

Bulbasaur: Oh, my.

Eric: Get to the fucking plug already!

Bulbasaur: What's your name, little fella?

Eric: Look, you want to know about the top dog in South Park, you come over here and kiss my ass like everybody else.

Bulbasaur: Fair enough. (Walks off as Squirtle stares at the monitor. There is the sound of someone walking up behind Eric, kneeling down and sniffing.)

Eric: What's going on here? Wait, you’re not gonna--

(Bulbasaur's head pops up behind Eric.)

Bulbasaur: Bring it closer. (Goes down again)

Eric: (repositioning himself) Fine.

(Control room. Charmander watches as Bulbasaur sniffs Eric's behind.)

Eric: (on monitor) This is the lowest point in my career since I was groped by that fucking midget speaker.

Charmander: Sorry.

Eric: Anyway... (Sighs, sings to himself)

(Set. On monitor, Eric hears a cell phone ringing.)

Eric: What the hell?

Bulbasaur: (muffled) Mm hmm?

Eric: Are you fucking kidding?

Bulbasaur: Oh, hey. (Squirtle turns his head to look.) No, I don't have a cold, but my nose /is/ shoved up a fat boy's ass.

Eric: What is this crap, anyway?

Bulbasaur: Yeah, I'm in space. Where'd you think I was?

Eric: Wait, is that where we are? Space?

Bulbasaur: Shh.

Eric: (mocking) Ooh, we're in outer space!

Bulbasaur: (popping up again) Cram it, fatso. I'm on the phone.

Eric: (still mocking) Pokemon show—(now mad) Get to the fucking plug!

Bulbasaur: (muffled) Uh huh.

Eric: Let's talk about my beautiful singing voice.

Bulbasaur: I count seven creases.

Eric: What?

Bulbasaur: Hang on, I'll send you a picture. (Flash goes off) Did you get the picture? (Short Pause) Thank you. (Walks back to set) That boy's ass had some great promotional offers.

Eric: Who watches this show?

Bulbasaur: Don't know.

Eric: Anybody?

Bulbasaur: Not sure.

Eric: (Mad) Seriously?

Bulbasaur: Seriously!

(Long beat.)

Eric: There's more heat on the crap I left in your dressing room than in this show.

Bulbasaur: Hang on. (To Charmander) What do I want this kid to do, Charmander?

Charmander:  I think you wanted him to be the mascot for your foundation.

Eric: What, are you looking for a boyfriend now?

Bulbasaur: But I want Lassie to be the mascot for my foundation.

(Control room.)

Charmander: Lassie is dead.

Bulbasaur: (on monitor) Ahh, damn it.

(Set.)

Eric: A fan-made series on a fan-fiction site, good for you. Holy shit.

Bulbasaur: Can we rebuild him?

Charmander: Uhh, I don't know. Maybe.

Bulbasaur: Thank you. Good news, everybody. We're rebuilding Lassie. (To Eric) You ever work with Lassie?

Eric: If by "working" you mean "mother banging up the ass," yes, we’ve worked with her.

Bulbasaur: (laughs nervously, to Squirtle) Did you hear what that guy said?

Squirtle: (after a beat) No.

Bulbasaur: He said his mom banged a dog up the you-know-what.

Squirtle: (after a beat) No.

Bulbasaur: Can you say "bang a dog up the ass" on this site?

Squirtle: (after a long beat, nods) No.

Bulbasaur: Anything happen?

Squirtle: Umm, I think some money came in.

Bulbasaur: Really? Hang on. (Clears throat) Okay. (To camera) I, too, have banged a dog up the a--

(Quick cutaway to "INTERMISSION” slide, with pleasant music.)

Announcer: There will now be a short intermission.

(Control room. "INTERMISSION" in on monitor.)

Bulbasaur: Oh, come on, Charmander. It's not like it this is live or anything.

Charmander: Look, they can take you off the air for that kind of shit-- Er, I mean, stuff.

Bulbasaur: When did you become such a puritan? (Walks back to set.)

Eric: Can we talk about some of the songs on my new album for a second?

Bulbasaur: Sure, we can talk about anything.

Eric: Good. What I want to hear

Bulbasaur: So long as Sister Mary Charmander isn't in the room.

(Control room.)

Charmander: Tch, you're really digging yourself a really deep hole.

Bulbasaur: (on monitor) A hole that I will bang my way out--

(Charmander pulls a lever, bringing "INTERMISSION" back up, with music. When we come back to control room, Bulbasaur is in there again.)

Bulbasaur: Calm down with this religion.

Charmander: You know, all this salty language, see, it ain't helping the foun--

Bulbasaur: All I know, Charmander, is I am trying to create a retardo-free society.

(On the monitor, Eric's face is being sniffed by a Wendy Testaburger puppet.)

Charmander: Well, you'll probably have the thanks of, uh, all the retarded people watching.

Bulbasaur: They're not retarded, Charmander. "Retardo" is the name of the disease, okay? I named it. (On the monitor, Eric is now vigorously kissing the puppet.) And tonight, with this cute little boy's help... we're going to find a cure.

Eric: (on monitor) Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Charmander: Bulbasaur--

Eric: (looking at camera) What, is the song over? (Puts the puppet away) Okay, okay. Nobody told me, nobody told me. Thanks, bitch.

(Set.)

Bulbasaur: Nice! (To Squirtle) And this was your idea for show four.

(Squirtle stares back.)

Eric: Hey! Let's talk about something nice. Let's talk about my beautiful singing voice. Right?

Bulbasaur: Okay.

Eric: Well, I just finished my solo album, entitled “The Eric Cartman LP.”

Bulbasaur: Very well.

Eric: It’s got a lot of cool songs that will break the lid off the rap industry, like "Kyle’s Queer." Why don't you play a little of it, Bulba? Make yourselves useful.

Bulbasaur: Charmander?

(Control room.)

Charmander: Umm. You know, we...can't.

Bulbasaur: (on monitor) Why not, Mommy?

Eric: (off-screen) Screw her!

Charmander: There's just a lot of...

Eric: (whining) Come onnnnn!

Charmander: ...questionable content.

Eric: Oh, no duh!

Bulbasaur: (on monitor) Well, here's a question: Play the song or you're fired! (To camera) And when I say "fired," I mean your job will be given to someone who can bang it up the ass pro--

("INTERMISSION" and music.)

Announcer: There will now be a very short…

Bulbasaur: CHARMANDER!!

(Control Room)

Charmander: Man, they will shut us down.

Bulbasaur: Well, I bet Squirtle doesn't care. Squirtle, get in here! You're director now!

Charmander: Now, wait a second. Wh-what about me?

Bulbasaur: You will lick my shiny boots, for you are now my dog on a leash. (Squirtle comes in the control room with a pair of large headphones.)

Squirtle: Ahem. I'm ready to direct, sir. You'll need these headphones.

Eric: (on monitor) Oh, (BLEEP).

(Set. Bulbasaur is listening to Squirtle's directions through headphones. Charmander is now standing next to the desk on a leash.)

Bulbasaur: Mm hmm. Okay. Do you have pets, Eric, like the one I'm showing you?

Eric: Uh... Do worms in a cat’s ass count as pets?

Bulbasaur: Hang on. (Listening) Mm hmm?

(In control room, Squirtle is muttering gibberish.)

Bulbasaur: Good. Yes, they do.

Eric: Well, Mr. Cat has got about eight roundworm in there. Frederick is, eh, he's the shy one.

Bulbasaur: (listening) Uh huh.

Eric: He just likes to eat.

Bulbasaur: Well, I love to eat worms. Out of people's asses!

Eric: (slightly amused) Well, uhh...

Bulbasaur: Hold on, he's laughing. On the subway.

Eric: How did you get this job?

Bulbasaur: (to Charmander) Tell him, dog. (Tugs leash) Tell him, dog.

Charmander: Uhh. Scooby Doo.

Bulbasaur: That's a good dog. You ever worked for Scooby.

Eric: No, but my mother’s familiar with him. I heard one time she and Scooby went to New Mexico and buried hookers in the desert.

Bulbasaur: (listening) Good. Well, I run a pack of hookers. Mm hmm. What uh? Oh, yes. Weiner.

Eric: Uhh, whatever, man. (Laughs) You're in trouble, my friend. You're going down faster than Kyle did in “Bigger, Longer, and Uncut”. Did I mention Kyle's queer?

Bulbasaur: (listening) Well, I'm queer, too. Mm hmm.

Eric: Yes, good observation from the Pokemon.

Bulbasaur: I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it. Mm hmm. And I like to eat my own butt.

Eric: (laughing) Yes!

Charmander: Bulbasaur!

Bulbasaur: When I'm not killing hookers.

Charmander: Bulbasaur, what are you saying?!

Bulbasaur: Shut up, dog. Eat your biscuit! (Tugs leash)

Eric: Is it true that Wonder Woman once violated your trainer with--

Bulbasaur: (overlapping) Hang on, I just came up with a new slogan for my foundation. Who wants to hear it?

Eric: Ahh, please.

Bulbasaur: (listening) Mmm. (tentatively) We moisten your dreams with man-urine?

Eric: (after a beat) Whatever you say you zonked out plant, uh--

Bulbasaur: (overlapping) Won't you help? Just 20 cents a day and (with more conviction) we moisten your dreams with... man-urine. Won't you help? I think I will. (Bulbasaur is now holding a coffee mug, which he lowers behind desk. After a pause, we hear him start to fill it.) Won't you help? (Under his breath, quickly) Under the desk.

(Quick close-up of Eric stifling laughter. With a final jiggle behind the desk, Bulbasaur finishing filling the mug, which he raises.)

Bulbasaur: Now, Charmander, sprinkle my contribution on the children, so that they may dream.

Charmander: Ehh, I'm lost. How does this relate to curing retarded people?

Bulbasaur: It doesn't, Charmander. Can't you see what I'm doing here? I'm holding my own urine in a cup because I have responsibilities. Won't you help?

(Squirtle plays the piano intro to "Desperado" by the Eagles. Bulbasaur appears -- sans headphones -- in a spotlight dotted with sparkles. He sings, backed up by the Council of Anime, which is slightly out of phase with him.)

Bulbasaur: Hey, retardos, why can't you walk over here?
You've been out mending fences, probably can't even walk now.
But retardos, meet your warm, golden cure,
'Cause you've been out mending fences where you'll never walk alone.
So send me some money or I'll hit you,
Yes, I'll plop you right on the ass----------

(Brief pause. Bulbasaur holds up a large foam hand with one finger raised.)

Bulbasaur: So remember, retardos number one forever.

(The backup singers continue going "Ooh" as credits roll.)

Bulbasaur: Ladies and gentlemen, if I could just have a moment of your time. Help us save a life, perhaps yours, drop by precious drop. Because we're all the same yellow color inside. Thank you. Only with your urine can we be curin', so please, get up and pee in a cup. And remember, retardos number one, forever.