RahXephon Fan Fiction ❯ Reflections in D minor ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

By: regie27

Reflections in D minor

A RahXephon fanfiction by regie27

Standard Disclaimers apply

Fugue

First soloist:

Kisaragi Itsuki

"I'm always the substitute, no matter where I go."

The words I told Haruka are still lodged in my throat, stinging, burning. Neither the warmth of her lips that still lingered over mine nor the tart taste of the liquor serves to alleviate the sting of the truth. My only purpose in life was to serve as a sort of fail safe program, a runner up like in those beauty pageants. "Should the winner be unable to fulfill the duties..." is what the runner up is always told, and I feel I came to this world just for that same purpose. It hadn't been necessary though, because my mother chose him instead. While he was carefully molded at her will, I was left at the care of the Bahbem Foundation. They would make sure that since I was already available, my talent could serve them in their occult purposes. At least my blood and lineage would ensure that much.

But mother hadn't been the only one to choose my onni-san over me. Haruka, my former college sweetheart, now so dashing and serious in her TERRA captain's uniform, turns into a blushing schoolgirl in a heartbeat with just one look into his eyes. I've seen it clearly, how she stares at him, her eyes unveiling to the world what her heart so desires, and yet, he is so oblivious to it all. How can he be so blind I wonder, but maybe it is because it's easier for me to notice from my observer's perspective or maybe it is because I know her too well, even better than herself. She has always been an open book to me and even with the wisdom of age and her military training, she's unable to keep her emotions masked from me.

My hands find a rare picture of us in happier times and I remember how I wished back then she could have looked as happy with me as she did with him. Ah, that's one of my dirty little secrets. I found out about the picture she doesn't show anyone but keeps well hidden. When I pieced all the pieces of the puzzle together, I became mad, angry to know that her first and purest affections had been and still remained for him after all the years. I understood the melancholy, the sadness, the longing that clouded her eyes, its glance always lost within the secluded orb that contained the owner of her heart trapped inside. It all made sense to me then. Cursed with the fact that more than siblings, we were twins, she was never able to see me, the real me, Kisaragi Itsuki, as I wished she did. That relationship was an exercise in futility; it was doomed from the beginning and in retrospective I thank her for ending it before we dragged ourselves into more deception and pain.

Am I jealous? How could I not be when he has taken it all and left me with nothing? What I had to forcefully take tonight, it would have been voluntarily offered without hesitation to him. It hurt me badly to notice how her body instinctively tensed as if she wanted to escape when I placed my arms around her. It had been like that always and tore me inside. Haruka had never been able to feel comfortable with me near and is sadly too understandable: My likeness to him is a reminder of what was lost so long ago, to what had been robbed from her life.

But now, what it's hurting me the most is that I know that Quon will soon choose him too. As I watch her, playing a haunting melody in her violin, I realize I am doomed to lose her too. My sleeping beauty. I had become so used to believe that she was mine and mine alone that I forgot that she was fated to wake up, to sing her song...for him.

Makoto has always despised the fact he's just a D type instrumentalist, but I'm worse than that. I'm just a replacement, someone with unlimited potential that will remain stumped, a larvae that will never grow its butterfly wings and fly. A beautiful song never to be sang or played. What could have been but never was.

Ayato, my dearest onii-san, to the winged heart of a god, tonight I drink to you and your unlimited potential. I warn you though: you better not dare to waste it, because it is not only yourself you are wasting. You'll be wasting the both of us.

As I told Makoto, "let's just say that I will not forgive him if he fails."

Second soloist:

Shitow Haruka

The reflections of the moon sketch intricate patterns upon the sea's surface. The island of Nirai by the moonlight, it is been said, shimmers with a sort of supernatural aura to it when looked from afar. Some speculate it is because of the mysteries that lie within the Neriya Shrine. I wonder if that aura is what is affecting me tonight.

I shift a little and I feel the cool, smooth surface of the hood of my car against my arm. With the corner of my eye, I catch a single light still coming from my home. Perhaps is Megumi wondering what the hell has gotten into her crazed sister, staying so late at night outside while sitting on her car. Poor Megu. I know she felt the tension in the air as Ayato and I returned from Itsuki's place earlier that evening. He was so distraught; he only managed to nod back at her when she greeted him. I know she was about to balk at him but my glance stopped her. She must have understood well, because she was content to bid us goodnight and leave discreetly to her room in silence, but I could clearly see worry in her eyes.

Taking a hot cup of coffee laced with brandy with me, I excused myself and came outside, seeking the healing air of the cool night to help me clear my mind and soothe my heart from the pain of freshly inflicted wounds received in this war of emotions that has been tearing us inside. I've let the radio on and suddenly my trail of thoughts is interrupted. I can't avoid the sad grin that materializes on my face as I listen to the song:

"I'm finding my way back to you

and everything I used to be

and waiting is all I can do

until you find your way back to me."

Waiting. I know how to do that all too well. I've been waiting a lifetime, and for what I wonder. For a schoolgirl's illusion? For what many would consider the fleeting, unstable emotions of young hearts learning what love is? Have I done everything I've accomplished for the same feeling Megu-chan has for Major Yagumo? Oh, I've seen her, even if she doesn't even suspect I've noticed. She believes her onee-chan is up her neck with work to see what her little sister's up to, but I have indeed taken notice. The admiring glances, the trance-like moments when you see the object of your affection in a single frame without anything around to interfere with the image. It is not that I don't believe what she feels for him isn't sincere. It is just that I've seen her look at Ayato in the same way. And before Yagumo and Ayato, it was another boy with whom she used to go to school with. Her young heart is seeking for someone to share that precious illusion with, but often times, as I dread to admit, that overwhelming sensation is just a child's whim, fated to fade away with the next sunrise.

Have I've gambled a portion of my life on an illusion that now I ask myself if it was foolish to pursue? I shaped my life, what I am and what I do to prepare myself for the day I was given the opportunity to return and finish what had been left truncated by war and a cruel destiny. When I found out what TERRA was all about, I saw it as the step that would put me closer to my goal. I gave it my all to be accepted in their ranks, managing to go as far as become part of the Intelligence Branch and to be promoted to captain in record time. Life has a funny way to screw you whenever it has the chance and by design of the fates, who must have been laughing at me again, Itsuki, the one that reminded me so much of the one that had been lost, was also here. As soon as we got reacquainted and enjoyed remembrances of our college years, it was made clear he was still hurt by what had or better, what had not happened between us back then.

Why did Itsuki had to kiss me tonight? I haven't seen love in his eyes in a long time, yet he still pursues me and in turn the ghosts that haunt me are conjured all over again. Was it because of jealousy, because of all the attention I've been giving Ayato? What was he expecting, damn it? It is hard enough for me to act around him as if it nothing happened, with all the burden of the truth weighting on me, waiting for the best moment to finally disclose the truth to him. Of all the people in this world, he must understand well what I'm going through. But after this, I don't know what to do.

I gather my breath, trying to clear my mind, yet something still haunts me. I shiver recalling how Ayato looked at me when he caught Itsuki kissing me. The message was silent, yet for me it was as loud as a scream. The shock, the outrage of betrayal, my betrayal to him after I had asked to trust me. If he only knew how it hurt me to see him that way. My hands ball into fists, as frustration and rage seep through me. All my efforts, the hard work and determination of years destroyed with just one untimely kiss. Oh Itsuki, you knew all too well what would happen. You are far too intelligent and careful to act only out of impulse. You knew how Ayato was going to react, but you forgot about me, the one you say you care for, in your little plan. You forgot that by hurting him you had to also hurt me.

Salty tears slip down my cheeks, as I feel my own nails digging deep over my palms. I can sense pain as I press so tightly my skin is pierced yet it is not enough to numb the misery inside. I let out a primal scream, listening as my trembling voice echoes through the night.

"Such foolishness; you're such a child Shitow Haruka. Why you insist in seeking an impossible dream. You should have had let go long ago!" - the part of me that is the logical, calculating one chides me with the tone a mother would use to reprimand a child. But yet, even at the bottom of my despair I refuse to give up. I can't, I just can't! Not now when he's so close I can reach out and touch him. But not yet. The right time hasn't arrived.

The wind dries my tears and I close my eyes, letting its cool tendrils caress my hair. I inhale deeply the brisk air, feeling calmer and a little more grounded. Suddenly, I feel the unmistakable sensation of being observed. I turn my head around, expecting to see Megumi but instead it is Ayato I see, his eyes reflecting less of the storms that abated his soul. He seems tired, as if he had been battling demons of his own. I offer him a subtle smile without expecting anything in return. It seems my scream has reached the heavens because I am offered in solace with a small miracle: his lips curve into a small smile of his own. I notice his cheeks blushing slightly and before I can read more into his expression, his face disappears behind the sliding door.

I smile inwardly. I take the small gift with caution; feelings are so fragile and trust is difficult to build yet so easy to damage. Still, I barely notice that my feet slowly sway to the melody of an upbeat song that plays in my radio. I decide to, as I've doing before, to take things one step at a time and live life by the day.

"Until you find your way back to me."

Third soloist:

Kamina Ayato

Such irony! I would've never imagined that the sound of a D-1 aria would've been music to my ears. The appearance of that Dolem was a blessing in disguise for me, for it gave me an excuse to leave, an escape so I didn't have to confront the fact of what I had just witnessed. I could feel her glance over me and I remember her saying my name but I didn't care. I didn't want to care. I thanked Quon in silence; the distraction of the Dolem and her strange reaction to its appearance delayed the full impact of what I saw, at least for a while.

The trek back home (can I still call it home?) had been suffused in profound silence, so deep I could almost hear my own heartbeat. I knew she would glance at me through the rear mirror but my eyes remained on the sea, as if the waves could wash away from my mind the imprint of what I had just seen. I know my expression was anything but friendly when we finally arrived because even chatty Megumi allowed me to enter without a single argument.

I lay down in my room watching the patterns of the ceiling, trying to make sense of what happened tonight, of my emotions, of what it means to me. The world is safe for another day but my heart is aching. A bitter taste invades my senses and my head is spinning out of control. I seek for solace, for an escape, but how can I escape myself?

When the RahXephon pulled the bow against the Dolem, it was not only because of my worry for Quon. It was also my anger. Quon realized it when she told me I was taking the path of destruction, but I didn't care. How I could care for anything when I'm being betrayed by her of all people. I placed my trust in her and for reasons I can't still explain, I felt a connection, no, an attraction between the two of us forming. It sounds insane but I have to admit it. How could I forget how wonderful it felt to awaken in her arms when I got lost with Quon at the ruins? To open my eyes and see her worried expression looking back at me? I didn't even minded being sore and bruised for the rest of the day by her very effusive embrace. I felt cared for, I felt, dare I say it…loved.

It was hard, but I took the courage to ask Megumi if her sister had a boyfriend, being so smart and pretty and all. Without knowing it, Megu had given me hopes when she told me that she only knew of someone, but that had been years ago, and so I basked in the small hope that I might had a chance. The reality of what Kim had commented that day at the beach had been nagging my head for a while. If I had been on normal time, I would have been now the same age as Itsuki-san and Haruka-san. I would not be a child confused by his feelings. However, the fact is that I'm a Tokyo Jovian and my clock was slowed to a crawl, and now I have to life with the consequences of that. Still, a small hope remained inside my heart. I knew, or so I thought before tonight, that a similar feeling was blooming inside her towards me.

But then it happened...Itsuki-san, the old flame, returned to her life and so just like that I'm displaced from her heart. My mind freezes the fateful frame, the instant when I entered with Quon and found her…with Itsuki…his arms greedily around her and his lips fastened over hers. I just stood there with my mouth open, watching helpless as a prey watches its hunter about to attack. My temples ache and I sway my head violently as if I could shake off the memory.

Why does everybody I care for betray me? Why does everyone have to hide the truth from me? I might be young but I can handle the harsh truth. I prefer it to handle the pain of betrayal. Mom, you... you hid the truth from me for all these years. You manipulated me like a puppet for your own interests, never thinking about me or even seeking my opinion of it all. The world I used to live is a lie, a self-contained package of mirages and half truths in which you are raised to live oblivious to the fact there's a whole world outside waiting to be discovered. Mom, you lied to me and the day I saw your skin shed blue blood, my whole world crumbled beneath my feet.

And Haruka-san...what should I do about you? You seek to tell me the truth, yet I know you keep it away from me. I know that you are hiding things from me, just like the rest, but when you do so it hurts even more. And now this… I wish you could have been honest about it, but now I found out in the worst way possible.

The bitter taste is almost unbearable now, so I leave my room to get a glass of water. As I walk back from the kitchen, I hear the faint sound of music and I notice that Haruka-san is still outside. As I carefully open the rice paper door, I see her bathed by the moon's light. My heart skips a beat. I'm tempted to walk outside but I something stops me. The picture of what I saw is still mercilessly playing inside my head, mocking me, but before I turn around, I see the long tears that escape her eyes. Her fists are tightly closed and suddenly, I hear her shout loudly. Is it anger what I hear in her voice? No, it is pain, so deep and intense it makes my skin tremble. My own suffering is temporarily forgotten as I witness in silence her grief. I wonder what is making her suffer in such a manner but I wish I could go outside to dry her tears, to offer my shoulder for her to cry on. My feet are about to walk the distance between us when I remember grimly, I'm not the one who has the privilege of consoling her, but him...

Caught in my own thoughts, I realize she has sensed my presence and before I can react, she turns around and her glance locks with mine. Her eyes are still glistening with tears yet to be shed but somehow, she manages to offer me a sad smile. My brain is suddenly jumpstarted, its gears grind frantically, as it tries to place the images that flash through my mind like a puzzle. The pose, the turn of the head, the amazingly warm hazelnut colored eyes. They seemed for a brief instant so familiar...where, where have I seen it?

"Mishima?"

I manage to smile back, as my memory tries in vain to make the connection, but it is useless. My memories are a mesh of symbols and created sensations, of dates and recollections that were manufactured and implanted by those that sought my power. Still, I feel the knots inside me dissolving, at least temporarily. I know the hurt is still there, but I allow myself to enjoy this moment in which we are content to behold each other. Haruka, if only I had been found sooner...

I look away, unable to withstand her glance for much longer. I can't bear the cavalcade of mixed feelings that are assaulting me. I know I have to sort out through them all in order to find out who am I and my place in this world that seems to be so hostile and so deceiving. I've already fled the city with the barrier; now I just need to bring down the barriers that trap me to this state of helplessness and turmoil.

You brought me out from the enclosed city but I venture to wonder… Haruka-san, will you be able to free my soul from my own binds?

Fin

Author's Notes:

Song lyrics quoted from "Finding your way back" by Michelle Branch, from the CD "Hotel Paper." When I heard the song, I thought its chorus fitted Haruka perfectly, so I decided to use in the story.

If you haven't realized it yet, this story is based on Episode 13 "Sleeping Beauty." I took some liberties with Itsuki because it is not made explicit when he found out about Ayato and Haruka, but it is clear he's very much aware of his brother and the relationship he had with Haruka in the past.

And if you're wondering what is a fugue? Reference dot com defines it "as a type of musical piece written in counterpoint for several independent musical voices." Since this series uses music so heavily throughout, I wanted to add a musical reference, hence the format.