Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Love Hina Fan Fiction / Mahou Sensei Negima! Fan Fiction ❯ Coming Home to Roost ❯ Up Ass Creek with a Broken Paddle and No Lube ( Chapter 1 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Coming Home to Roost
by Shade

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu and others own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor

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Chapter 1: Up Ass Creek with a Broken Paddle and No Lube
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Soun Tendo smiled as he arrived at his home early in the morning. Regrettably last night's
local council meeting had taken longer then expected and he'd had to make do with an udon stall
and a capsule motel for the night. He was looking forward to a proper Kasumi prepared breakfast.

But to his surprise, when he entered his home he found that the only thing out on the dining table
was a pot of still steaming tea. One eyebrow quirked up as he finally noticed that his daughters
and houseguests sitting there also seemed to be unusually quiet for such a fine morning.

"Good morning everyone! When will breakfast be-"

"Would you mind keeping it down!"

Soun blinked in surprise as his best friend and future son-in-law growled at him in chorus.

"Well now, whatever seems to be-"

The words trailed off as he finally realized that both men were looking at him with
reddened bloodshot eyes that promised to introduce him to new experiences of pain
and suffering if he didn't lower his voice. Perhaps it was only his imagination
running wild, but he could have sworn that his sweet and lovely daughter Kasumi
was also glaring daggers at him. But that couldn't be right. Kasumi would never be
upset with her loving father who only wanted what was best for her.

"Ah, did something happen last night," Soun asked in a much more hushed tone.

"Yeah, you could say that," Ranma snorted before wincing in pain from the sudden motion.

"Dirty. Dirty. Never going to be clean. Never going to be clean again," Akane mumbled
to herself over and over as she hugged her arms together around her sides.

"Oh will you knock it off already, Miss Drama Queen. I said I was sorry."

"Genma?"

Soun turned towards his friend questioningly.

The older Saotome took a quick sip of tea as he tried to think of a proper response.
Proper in this case being one that wouldn't result in his best friend trying to
skin him alive for getting his oldest daughter drunk and then letting the other two
apples of his eye experience the unforgettable sensations of being vomited on by him
and his son.

Of course it probably wouldn't have been so bad if Akane and Nabiki hadn't
decided to resort to violence in the middle of the event. They'd learned the
hard way that punching someone who was powerpuking on you in the gut only
changed the firehose torrent into something out of the Exorcist.

"Ah...ask me later."

Though still puzzled, Soun nodded anyway. After all, it wasn't like his
best friend in the whole world would try to hide something from him, right?

"Yo Pops, don't forget to pick up the stuff we talked about today."

"I know, I know. Quit nagging, boy."

"Fat chance of that, old man. If I'm going down then you're sure as hell coming
along for the ride."

Genma shuddered involuntarily.

"Fine, I get your point."

The older man finished his tea and placed the cup back on the table.

"It'll still take awhile to get it all together. Think you can hold out that long, son?"

"No, not really," Ranma answered in a glum tone.

"Just remember to use the old Saotome charm. And if all else fails, beg for mercy."

"Genma, is there something you'd like to tell me," interrupted Soun with a note of
confusion in his voice. Was he missing something here?

"It's nothing. Oh by the way, Ranma's mother will probably be stopping by today to see us."

That last part finally snapped through Akane's stupor.

"Are you nuts?! Have you forgotten what'll happen she finds out that *that*-" she sputtered,
jabbing her finger in Ranma's direction forcefully.

Ranma rolled his eyes.

"Look, the worst she can do is make me slit my belly open before chopping my head off."

"And what do you call that?!"

"Getting off easy."

Akane's mouth hung open as her retort died unspoken.

"well what are you waiting for? If you don't hurry up, we'll be late for school."

Ranma finished his cup of tea and grabbed his bookbag with the carelessness
of a condemned man being led to the gallows.

Nabiki gently used a finger to push her younger sister's jaw back into place and
murmered softly about putting the service charge on her tab before leaving after
the pigtailed youth.

--------------------------------

"So care to tell just what exactly the hell is going on, Saotome?"

"Nope."

Nabiki's right eye twitched in irritation.

"What, are you scared," she taunted sarcastically.

"Yep," he replied absently.

Nabiki almost choked on her tongue in surprise.

"Hey! Wait for me!"

Neither the pigtailed boy or the pagecut schoolgirl slowed their steady pace,
so it took longer for the frantically running shorthaired tomboy to catch up
to the two of them on the sidewalk.

"I told you to slow down, you jerk!"

Ranma didn't bother to respond, his head was constantly scanning his surroundings
as he walked, paying particular attention to the rooftops and windows overhead.
Every time a stray sunbeam reflecting off of a glass pane or metal windchime
caught his eye he involuntarily tensed and started to dive for cover before
catching himself. At least none of the damn cats napping in the morning warmth
on the brick walls was ebony in color, they were mostly tabbies along with
a few fleabitten tomcats. And there was still no sign of Shippu in the sky.

But *they* were out there somewhere, watching and waiting for him. And he was fucked
six ways from Sunday when they finally got their hands on him. Ranma Saotome considered
himself a premier martial artist, but even he had no illusions as to his chances against
any of *them* one on one, let alone together.

After all, he'd seen them in action before. It had been a couple of years ago,
but he doubted that they'd gotten anything but better since then. Frankly,
Ranma would have preferred to face an army of horny Musk Dynasty perverts
in female form with both arms broken rather then confront the most terrifying
force he knew of in the entire universe.

"Are you even listening to me?!"

"Not at all."

The youngest Tendo daughter started to develop a dangerous blue glowing aura.

"Look Akane, why don't you and your sister go make yourselves useful and keep an eye out
for anything strange," Ranma spoke casually, unperturbed by the sounds of knuckles
cracking in preparation for acts of extreme violence on his person.

"And what exactly should we be looking for, Saotome?"

There had to be some way to make some easy money off of this.
Nabiki knew it was only a matter of finding it and exploiting it.

"Any funny looking pale feathered long necked birds flying around, black c-cats
and/or shiny objects on the roof where they shouldn't be. You know, something
out of place here."

Nabiki and Akane blinked in surprise, the latter coming out of her fury to stare
as her older sister pointed in the direction that had just caught their attention
as they reached the main entrance of the school grounds.

"You mean like the bird that just landed on that lady's shoulder over there?"

"Yeah, like tha-"

There was a pause as Ranma froze in midstep. Ever so slowly his head rotated
to the right of the school gates. That was Shippu alright, the bird familiar
of the Aoyama Clan. And there was no mistaking the undeniably feminine form
contained within the fine white uwagi and bright red hakama even with the
oversized bamboo hat pulled down in the front to conceal the figure's face
from view.

"oh fuck," he squeaked out.

"Greetings, my husband."

His second wife.

Tsuruko.

---------------------

It had been a normal school morning with all of the usual student
chatter right up until the moment those magic words were uttered.

"Greetings, my husband."

All conversation ceased in an instant as every boy and girl within earshot
simultaneously turned their heads towards the unusual spectacle of the resident
pigtailed martial artist standing frozen like a deer staring down the barrel of
a 12 gauge shotgun.

"HUSBAND?!"

Chaos erupted as a crowd of shouting and gesturing teenagers swarmed around
the various persons of interest. Yuka and Sayuri popped up on either side
of their startled classmate and started the verbal barrage.

"Akane, is this true?!"

"Is Ranma cheating on you again?!"

Akane's brain was still rebooting from that unexpected bombshell.
Sure there had been Shampoo and Ukyo, but neither girl had ever spoken
those words with the assured credibility that this Yamato Nadesico did.
All she could do was stare in disbelief at the Ranma shaped stone
statue in front of her while her own open mouth made unintelligible noises.

"Saotome, is this true," yelled

<>

"How dare you get such a hot babe like that when you already have Akane,
Shampoo, Ukyo, Kodachi and Miss Hinako!"

<>
Yeah! Rabble Rabble Rabble!!"


"Yeah, leave some for the rest of us!"

<>

"But maybe this means Akane is finally available?"

"Hiro my man, forget Akane. I mean, will you look at that new chick?
I'd totally hit on it like a pair of bongo drums."

"Yeah you got a-"

*WHAM*

"Hey wait a-"

*WHAM*

----------------------

Ranma snapped out of his horrified paralysis just in time to catch the unsavory
direction that Hiroshi and Daisuke's conversation was going. The solid backhands
to their faces was an instinctual reaction.

"Guys, you keep talking about her like that
and you'll never eat solid food again. Got it?"

Turning back to Tsuruko, his heart skipped a beat as he noticed the faint smile
on her lips. He couldn't see her eyes with the hat in the way, but her
fingers were still well away from the grip of her sword which was a good sign.

It seemed his chivalrous action had bought him a few more seconds to come up
with an explanation for his wife that would not involve him discovering a whole
new definition of pain and suffering at her hands.

"Uh...hey honey. You look beautiful. Um, I really can explain-"

"And who are they, Dearest?"

There was just the faintest trace of steel in the undertone of her silky voice.

Ranma gulped audibly. A cold sweat started to break out as he watched her left hand
slowly start to drift towards the hilt of her sheathed katana.

"Oh those two girls? Nobody important, just that me and pops are kinda guests at their home
because of their old man and he's got this stupid idea of trying to unite the schools
and I swear on my life that I never cheated on you with either of them because really
they're just not my type and did I mention that it's not my fault-," he babbled frantically.

"Ah, I see. Well that's okay then," Tsuruko said as she gave him an enthusiastic thumbs up.

Ranma almost collapsed in relief as the wide brim of swordwoman's woven hat came down
and he was finally able to see her normal twinkling eyes rather then the terrifying
demon gaze of the Shinmeiryuu battle/punishment mode.

"Excuse me. Who are you calling nobody?"

The frost in Nabiki's voice more then made up for her sister's lack of a response,
being as Akane and pretty much the rest of the entire student body had gone flying
in every direction at the strange woman's totally unexpected reaction to Ranma's
painfully inept explanation.

"So she's your wife?"

"Yes."

"So where's her ri-"

Nabiki gawked at the shiny gold ring on Tsuruko's outstretched finger.

"You would not believe what I had to go through to pay for that."

Oh ho! This did explain some things that had always bothered her
about him.

And all this time she'd thought he was gay or something.
<>
<>The middle Tendo daughter smelled opportunity here.


"But what about that passionate performance in the theatre?
What will my poor sister think of you just taking her lips
like that?"

Ranma could have cheerfully strangled Nabiki at that moment
for bringing up that particular piece of old history.

Tsuruko's gaze sharpened on him.

"School Play. Tape over the Mouth," he blurted out quickly.

"Ah."

Her features relaxed once again.

Disappointed by the lack of reaction to her verbal ploy,
Nabiki decided to try again.

"And how about the time you cradled me in your arms?
How could you forget about that?"

"She fell from the roof. If I could do it all over again,
I'd let her fall flat on her ungrateful butt."

"Then how do you explain attacking Miss Hinako in the teacher's lounge?"

Nabiki's grin grew increasingly catty.

"Chi Vampire. Counter Shiatsu Points on her Chest."

He was definitely going to kill the middle Tendo daughter, he decided.
No, wait. That would be letting her off too easy. He'd have to come up
with something really nasty, like sticking her on a date with Kuno.
But wait, who would be the one ending up being punished in that case?

<>
Provided he survived the next couple of minutes of course.
<>

"I see."

Tsuruko didn't seem to walk so much as glide gracefully across
the ground towards him. As she approached, it took all of Ranma's
willpower to keep his quivering knees from knocking together as
conflicting memories of unimaginable pleasure and mind destroying
terror intermingled in his racing mind.

'I mustn't run away. I musn't run away. She'll cut me down if I try.'

When she was only two paces from him, she stopped.

"Now tell me, my husband. Why did you depart so hastily from me?"

Despite the cheerful tone of her words, Ranma's features turned bone white.

"Well you see, that is I kinda thought you needed time to cool down.
I mean, it was an awkward situation and all. What with-"

"With my finding you and Yuriko naked in bed, you mean?"

Ranma's life flashed before his eyes.
There was no escape this time.

"And who exactly is this Yuriko, Saotome," Nabiki asked dryly.

His response was bleak.

"My Mother-in-law."


-End Chapter 1


Yamato Nadesico: Japanese term referring to the ideal Japanese woman. Wiki it for more info.



Author's notes: I live.




Omake! Omake! Omake!

- - - -
-Deleted Scene Omake

Ranma blearily opened his eyes as he lifted his head up from the soft cushions
that he'd been resting on. His head felt like a clogged bilge pump left out
in the sun too long. Now he remembered why he'd given up drinking.

As he tried to get up he found that he was unable to do so without causing
an unpleasant peeling sensation around his crotch similar to having a piece
of duct tape on the skin being slowly pulled off. It felt horribly familiar.

His bloodshot eyes looked down to see what the problem was.

"Oh Fuck. Not again."

His dick was planted to the root in some strange woman's shaven pussy.
A pasty mixture of semen and vaginal lubrication had dried and hardened
to the extent that they were almost glued together where they met.

Ranma hoped that there wouldn't be any bloodthirsty husbands bursting
in without warning this time as he started to look up towards her face.

"Kasumi?!"

Indeed, the eldest Tendo daughter was unmistakable despite her frazzled
hair and swollen lips. The young housekeeper moaned softly as the chill
morning air on her now exposed breasts brought her sensitive nipples
to attention.

"Do it to me again," she murmured sleepily.

Ranma blinked. Well, he was dead anyway.

So he shrugged his shoulders and obliged her.

-----------------

Akane Tendo didn't want to wake up. She knew with absolute certainty
that if she opened her eyes it would be the worst mistake of her life.

But when she heard Nabiki start screaming right next to her, she couldn't
help but peek just a little.

Genma Saotome smiled sheepishly back at her as he scratched his sodden
crotch. He wasn't wearing any clothes. And after a moment, she realized
she didn't have any either.

"NOOOOOOO!!"

"Well, at least now the schools will finally be joined," the bald man muttered.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

- - - - - - - - - -
-Bukkake King omake

It was your normal Furinkan school morning.
The sun was shining, the birds were singing
and there were Ranma and Akane-

"I can't believe you *violated* me like that!"

A record scratched as the listening students tried
to figure out if they'd heard that correctly.

"So it was your first time, big deal. You get used to it after awhile."

"You've done it BEFORE?!"

"Since I was nine. All Pops had to do was show me the basics."

Eyes goggled and mouths boggled as the boys and girls realized that
their ears were not deceiving them after all.

"You unloaded all over my face, my hair and you ruined my clothes!"

"Well it's not like I could stop in the middle, now could I?"

Male imaginations pictured Akane, her transparent wet clothes sticking to her-

Nasal blood vessels burst as the boys passed out to a man.

"And how could you keep going and going like that?! The human body can't possibly
contain that much liquid!"

Female imaginations saw Ranma's unleashed equipment, preparing for the money shot-

Redfaced highschool girls started swooning left and right.

"Well you should have known better then to handle me like that."

"If I hadn't stopped you, you would have done it to Kasumi instead!!"

Thus was the legend of Bukkake King Ranma born.

- - - - - - - -
-Mother-in-law omake


"Mother sends her regards."

"Does she now," Ranma's nervous attempt at lighthearted laughter died in his throat.

"And a gift."

"Gift? What gift," Nabiki started looking eagerly around for something of monetary value.

"Don't be shy now, come on out."

Tsuruko beckoned at something hiding behind the length of her hakama.

Three blue eyed little girls with long dark hair peeked out.

All of them sharing an identical face.

Ranma prayed that this didn't mean what he thought it meant.

"Say hello to Kuriko, Kiriko and Kotoko. My new sisters."

"Papa!" "Daddy" "Father!"

The triplets dashed towards the stunned pigtailed martial artist.

Ranma finally decided to take the easy way out.

He fainted.

- - - - - - - - - -
-Omake by Lord Raa


"And who exactly is this Yuriko, Saotome," Nabiki asked dryly.

His response was bleak.

"My Mother-in-law," the young Saotome admitted. "But in my defense,
she did say that she wanted to 'put her son-in-law to the test to
make sure he's suitable for her daughters'."

"'Daughters'? Kindly explain that one, Dearest," Tsuruko said rather icily.

Ranma sighed in defeat. "Pops kinda sold me off as Motoko's concubine."

"And who's Motoko?" Nabiki asked, making a few mental calculations
as to the price this newest information.

"My little sister," the kendoist answered.