Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction / Gold Digger Fan Fiction ❯ Illegal Aliens In Nerima ❯ Illegal Aliens in Nerima ( One-Shot )
[ P - Pre-Teen ]
By: Metroanime 
First Contacts were not supposed to be like this.
Anime/Manga: Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction / Gold Digger Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Sci-fi | Type: The Bet | Uploaded On: 11.09.2002 | Pages: 8 | Words: 5.3K | Visits: 4.1K | Status: Completed
First Contacts were not supposed to be like this.
Anime/Manga: Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction / Gold Digger Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Sci-fi | Type: The Bet | Uploaded On: 11.09.2002 | Pages: 8 | Words: 5.3K | Visits: 4.1K | Status: Completed
Illegal Aliens in Nerima, BET the Expansion Set
all apologies to Phil Foglio & Nick Pollotta, R.Takahashi, Pioneer, Fred Perry, Morgan Wright, and all the other trademark owners.
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"Tiny changes?" Surtur frowned, subtle was not something he typically understood, but Hel if he was gonna let those uppity Aesir go playing this game without him putting his two stel in. "How about..." He remembered Skuld doing something. "How about if this ship go off course? Navigation off. Pretty funny, yah?"
"Yah, yah, yah!" Three vikings walked by, obviously lost.
Toltiir blinked. "Okay, let's see what you've done."
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Akane hit the baseball with all her might, watching as it climbed into the sun.
"Damn, Akane, I think that one might be gone forever."
Akane blinked. "No. Here it comes. Uh....oh."
The baseball was dropping down, now the size of a soccer ball, then the size of a Japanese sedan, then the size of a house.
Darkness embraced Akane as she stared up at the huge sphere that she realized was larger than the Kuno Estate. A featureless white sphere gently dropping at a few hundred feet per second.
The bat had dropped to her feet. Her jaw was attempting to join it. "Eeep?" A sudden and completely insane thought freezing Akane in place was the wild hope that this wasn't:
a) some magical prince come to claim her as his bride.
b) some new fiancee whose family had been sold Ranma by his father.
c) some new childhood rival after Ranma, who would probably kidnap her during his/her quest for vengeance.
d) worst of all, it could be someone else like the Chardin family that *her* father had sold *her* to.
Unfortunately, the size of the sphere would seem to indicate that it would take up the entire field. For those of the audience unfamiliar with softball, Akane was standing at home plate.
Seeing the deepening shadow spreading ahead of her faster than she could run, Akane did something she always hated to do. "Ranma! Help!" It was a tough choice, but she had decided that calling to Ranma for assistance was less a blow to one's pride than being squished under a really damn big ping-pong ball.
The sudden acceleration made her heart skip a beat, realizing that Ranma had indeed come to her rescue. The flood of relief was just momentarily shouldered aside by a realization that Ranma had not been too terribly careful where he had grabbed Akane in their high velocity flight out of ground zero.
She didn't really mean to hit him, it was more of a reflex action.
After all, knocking someone unconscious as they're in mid leap carrying you to safety, would not be a consciously made choice. Even for Akane.
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The huge white ball sat there in the ruins of the schoolyard, a massive thing that stretched from the gym to a little further than where the rear walls had been.
Within minutes, Nabiki Tendo had moved with near "Chestnut Fist" speed and gotten the T-shirts, bumper stickers, and other paraphenalia to be produced.
Ucchan's set up a stall, after paying an informer's fee to Nabiki. The Cat Cafe followed suit.
The crowd was immense at this point, having drawn people from all over to see this odd thing.
A discrete bribe to the cameraman insured that Nabiki's smiling face (as she hawked "I SAW THE ALIEN SPACESHIP" T-shirts and memorial travel mugs) was seen by the television audience.
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"Off to _another_ job," sighed Kiyone unhappily to Mihoshi. This certainly wasn't what she'd entered the Galaxy Police for. "It's not...like..."
Kiyone stopped and backed up to look at the image of the ship being shown on the display TV. "Live from Furinkan High School" was displayed on the bottom.
"Oh, wow! That's a Nikon #4, isn't it? Looks like it's in good condition." Mihoshi scratched her head, thinking it looked familiar. In a way, it was the Galactic Standard equivelant of a fairly old minivan.
"Oh my...no. Oh no," Kiyone's expression suggested that she'd just found out that she had been demoted to janitorial services on one of the seedier planets. "Do you recognize that? It's the 'All That Glitters', Mihoshi. That's Leader Idow's ship!" There was a reason that model wasn't used anymore. NOBODY wanted to be mistaken for Leader Idow. Even the tentacled hentai aliens of Planet Storone at least liked to pretend they had more class than Leader Idow.
"Leader Idow?" Mihoshi thought about this. "Isn't he the one who..."
"Idow The Butcher? Idow the Genocidal Maniac? The terrorist responsible for the destruction of thousands of worlds, the unleashing of the Berserkers, convincing Kaine that our galaxy is a nice place to visit, the one responsible for R'por'R and the K'taa jihads, the mastermind behind the Iroha Seiryu War? Yes, THAT Leader Idow. How did he get HERE? Oh crap!"
Kiyone started running, then came back and pulled Mihoshi forcefully away from the TV. "C'mon, Mihoshi, maybe Washuu has the Yagami fixed! Oh, damn, what timing."
The world was doomed. She'd probably be demoted. This was a very bad day.
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T he police had arrived in swarms. SWAT team helicopters and TV news choppers battled overhead for air supremacy. The Japanese Self Defense Force and CNN jockeyed for position.
The forceshield proved too much for Ranma's Mouko Takabisha, Ryouga's Shishi Hokoudan, and (in a desperate move by Ranma) Akane's bento. Akane hurled Ranma against the shield a moment later with no more effect than the lunch "she had slaved over for two hours!" (Fifteen minutes of actual preparation, following a brief problem with a HAZMAT team arriving and taking away her first attempt at making Ootoro no Kushiyaki.)
Tenchi bought Sasami an "I saw the alien spaceship" souvenier travel mug, and wondered why the heck she'd want something like that. The plushy little green man he could understand, kind of, especially after her explanation of how it reminded her of some ambassador she'd met years ago.
The Sailor Senshi stood by, in their civilian disguises, just in case. Since the forceshield also stopped their scanners, they had to wonder if this wasn't another Dark Kingdom trick.
Dee, cursing the crowd and having to spend a lot of time in a smelly city, looked at the alien ship and wondered if their technology could lift the curse of infertility inflicted upon the werewolves.
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Meanwhile, deep within the alien ship, odd semi-organic machines stirred from their fitful sleep. Invisible beams began to probe the crowd, paying scant attention to the ecstatic money-counting Nabiki, the ice-cream slurping Usagi, the aghast pizza delivery boy, the frightened, the oblivious, and yes - even the great Tatewaki Kuno.
Steadily, the beams probed, and the viewing intelligences were quite unaware that their scanners were among the rapidly increasing list of devices that were not working too terribly well.
Hundreds were tested as the beams widened their search marking certain individuals as being possible candidates among the milling throng of rejects. Here it settled on seven among the masses who viewed it dispassionately, without fear or much emotion at all.
"These?" asked the device of They-Who-Command.
"Are they a good cross-section of the populace of this world?"
"A cross-dresser, a housewife, a delivery girl, a juku student, a prince (therefore a representitive of a ruling body), a juvenile delinquent, and a hunter. Yes. As far as can be determined."
"Well," came the answer. "They'll have to do."
Instantly space/time twisted around the chosen and they vanished.
"Ranma!" Akane yelled as he vanished.
"Ranchan!" Ukyo glared at Akane, wondering briefly if the youngest daughter of the Tendo family had belted Ranma to the horizon again.
"SHAMPOO!" Mousse screamed.
"Tenchi!" Sasami yelped.
"Ami! Makoto!" Usagi squealed.
Ifurita looked around. Someone had attacked Makoto? They would pay dearly for that. Oh, wait, he was buying two of those okonomiyaki things...false alarm. However the odd woman who had been standing nearby had vanished.
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The sphere had analyzed the primitive broadcast mediums and now responded, blowing every station and signal off the dial with its own massive surge. Almost microscopic repeaters in orbit made sure that the message was received in a global manner.
The masses at first laughed. Thinking that this was a rebroadcast of an old hokey SF program. The realization that it was real came later. Others, though, reacted differently.
Skuld, Urd, and Belldandy stared at the events coming by and wondered why this had never appeared in the prophesies of Ragnarok.
In Los Angeles, a small superhero team decided to respond to this new threat as they did with all threats. Gorgon, Slick, and Brute nodded to each other and boarded a plane for Japan. They exited a few moments later as they couldn't get clearance for takeoff from the tower without any radios working.
Makoto and Ifurita watched Nabiki's television and wondered if this was something that Jinnai had cooked up.
The remaining Sailor Senshi tried to re-establish communication with their missing members. Failing that, they went looking for a place to transform and try their powers against the invisible barrier. Now, of course, the little black cat was exclaiming that she just *knew* that this had been a Dark Kingdom plot.
And in a secret bunker down below the Pentagon, the UN's First Contact Team started their trip to Japan.
In the MiB offices, the Magenta flag was raised and everyone read up on the files for Leader Idow.
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"...OF DIRT, ATTENTION.....PEOPLE OF DIRT, ATTENTION."
Makoto Mizuhara turned to Ifurita. "It sounds like a computer generated voice. Possibly the aliens lack the same sort of vocal equipment we have."
"Huh?" Nabiki said. This guy obviously wasn't from Nerima, he had a brain.
"WE ARE SCOUTS OF THE GALACTIC LEAGUE HERE TO DETERMINE IF YOUR PLANET, THE DIRT, IS SUFFICIENTLY ADVANCED TO JOIN THE COALITION OF YOUR NEIGHBORING STARS."
The odd geometric patterns playing on the screen changed, becoming a blue skinned humanoid wearing a white military-looking uniform. He had two mouths, only one of which was moving.
"Yup, translation device," observed Makoto. "He doesn't have any lip-synch. From either mouth."
"FROM THE CROWD THAT HEMS OUR SHIP, WE HAVE TELEPORTED ABOARD A CROSS SECTION REPRESENTATION OF YOUR PLANET'S POPULACE."
"Ranma's alive?" Akane looked up.
"I knew Ranchan couldn't have died that easily!" Ukyou wiped tears away.
"My Shampoo is alive?"
"She's not yours, you dolt."
"THE POPULATION OF YOUR PLANET SHALL BE ALLOWED TO WATCH YOUR REPRESENTITIVES BEING TESTED. IF THE SUBJECTS PASS, THEN DIRT WILL BE WELCOMED INTO THE GALACTIC LEAGUE AS A NEW, BUT EQUAL, MEMBER."
"I hear a qualifier coming," observed Nabiki in an ominous tone.
"BUT..."
Nabiki groaned.
"...SHOULD YOUR REPRESENTATIVES FAIL THE TESTS, THEN WE WILL BE FORCED TO REDUCE YOUR PLANET TO A RADIOACTIVE CINDER. NOTHING PERSONAL. THIS IS IDOW OF THE GALACTIC LEAGUE...OUT."
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The whine of turbines filled the air. Kiyone adjusted the shields, set weapons to charge, and flicked the switch that would bring the main engines online. "Yagami. LAUNCH!"
<WHHIRIRrrrrrrrrr. rattle. sput. click>
"Auuggghhhhhhhhhh!"
--------------------------- ----
Nabiki stared at the screen, a look of horror on her face. "Our lives depend on Ranma proving that we're civilized enough to join a galactic society. We're doomed."
"Hey, Ranchan's not that bad."
"Doomed."
Mousse shrugged. "Hey, he's got Shampoo with him. That lowlife."
"Doomed, I tell you." Nabiki was sweating. Shampoo was there too?! Maybe now was a good time to have a religious conversion.
"Ranma will do it, I'm sure," Akane hesitated. "Hey, he's with Shampoo, isn't he? That hentai!"
"Completely doomed."
"I don't think they're what they say they are," Makoto Mizuhara said carefully and loudly enough that he could be clearly overheard. "If they are, their handling of the situation is completely wrong. Come on, people, we're not beaten yet!"
"Doomed." Nabiki repeated. And here she had made such a nice profit so far...
The TV screens came alive again, this time showing scenes of the those who had been chosen to represent "Dirt."
"Hey, who's that woman hugging Ranchan?"
"Kasumi?" Akane blinked at the way Kasumi was clinging to Ranma.
"Kasumi?" Nabiki said with a little hope. Nearly everyone liked Kasumi. Maybe Kasumi could balance out Ranma.
A tight camera angle showed Ranma, the words underneath reading "crossdressing pro wrestler." This caused Ryouga to fall over laughing for the next five minutes and miss nearly everything else.
The picture moved, showing Kasumi Tendo hugging Ranma. The logo read "Crossdresser's housewife."
Mousse slapped his fist into one hand. "That's it! No wonder that Akane and Ranma couldn't be broken up, it was all a cover for the real fiancee! I knew all that fighting they did couldn't have been for real. Kasumi has been the real Tendo fiancee all along!"
Nabiki and Akane stared at Mousse, while Cologne muttered something about how if that had been true, Shampoo would have just taken a co-wife and they'd be on their way to living happily ever after. Ukyou actually thought about it.
Usagi Tsukino gasped as a picture of Ami Mizuno was shown. The caption read "juvenile delinquent."
Makoto Kino was shown next. The caption this time read "over obsessive cram school student."
"I think there's something wrong with their machines," said Rei Hino in a dry voice. "Either that or this is some EXTREMELY lame Dark Kingdom plot."
Nabiki blinked at the green eyed and red haired girl who was actually snarling. The caption on her read "Dirt Primary Huntress."
Mizuhara cleared his throat. "I think they mean 'Earth First'."
Shampoo settled into a horse stance and began a "Chestnut fist" attack on one of the doors, being told to desist by the red haired girl. The caption on this picture read "pet shop delivery girl."
"Doomed," repeated Nabiki. Even if Kasumi balanced Ranma somehow, Shampoo would start in with the pidgin and barbarian manners and they'd be radioactive cinders in the morning.
A single man, completely calm, seemed to have an air of leadership to many of those watching. "Prince" read his caption.
Miles away, Aeka and Ryoko's current fight came to an abrupt halt. With an oddly harmonious "They've got Tenchi!", the two raced off to try to come to the rescue.
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"Atten tion, Dirtlings," spoke Leader Idow's translated voice, "we are ready to begin the First Test."
"Consume waste products, you unclean male offspring of unmarried parental units!" The red furred one yelled at the ceiling. "We are not jointed wooden statues to perform physical motions set to music upon your twisted vegetable fibers."
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Makoto Mizuhara sighed. "Her lip synch is off too. I think she meant 'puppets dancing on a string' but there's something off with the translation equipment."
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"There is no need to shout," Leader Idow thumbed up the volume in the test chamber, then lowered it back down to normal. Idly he wondered at how this barbarian knew his parents.
"Negative waste products," gasped Ranma. "Self apology, Kasumi."
Kasumi nodded.
"You seven are a cross section of your race brought aboard this ship as a sampling of typical Dirtlings."
"Your maternal unit was a dirtling!" Makoto Kino muttered, but loudly enough that her words (translated and retranslated) reached around the globe via the broadcasting.
"Before the people of your world," Leader Idow continued, "you will be tested to see if your race is ready to join the Galactic League."
"Is that anything like the Silver Millenium?"
"However," Leader Idow gave a questioning look to the communications tech who just shrugged, "if you fail the tests, your planet will be destroyed."
"That inhales!" Makoto said.
"That exhales!" Dee growled.
"I smell most unpleasantly on tests," groaned Ranma.
The calm boy with the black ponytail stood up from where he'd been leaning against the wall. "And so, praytell, this unit inquires as to nature of tests."
Leader Idow grinned. "Let me show you."
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A pillar rose from the floor, with four metal lumps that resembled army helmets with ducts and fans added.
"THIS IS THE FIRST TEST," came Idow's voice, booming again. "IN SIXTY SECONDS, THESE FOUR COMBAT DRONES WILL BE ACTIVATED AND THEY WILL DO THEIR BEST TO KILL YOU. DESTROY THESE DRONES OR YOU SHALL ALL PERISH......HEY!"
Ranma and Shampoo seemed to blur.
"Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire!" Ranma slammed two of the drones with hundreds of punches per second.
"Breaking point!" Shampoo jabbed out with two fingers, shattering the two on her side.
"Show off," said Ranma to Shampoo.
Shampoo grinned and shrugged.
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All over the world, people blinked and checked their watches.
Also all over the world, a vast number of the male populace wanted to know where the girl in the short Chinese dress came from, and were there any more like that? Two Internet search engines crashed immediately thereafter.
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At the one minute mark, one of the larger lumps of metal made a growling noise and extruded a knife blade. Ranma very quickly shattered it into tiny pieces.
"Next?" Tenchi said, all but oozing confidence at the camera.
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All over the world, hundreds of young women were asking where this Prince came from, and was he single?
Almost half that number were asking similar questions about the guy with the pigtail.
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"YOU...HA VE DONE WELL, DIRTLINGS."
"Here it comes," warned Tenchi. Unnecessarily as even Kasumi realized what was going on.
A series of doors began to slide open, eerily resembling the sort of thing you'd see in "Get Smart."
"THIS IS YOUR SECOND TEST....FIGHT, DIRTLINGS! FIGHT AND KILL FOR THE LIFE OF YOUR PLANET AGAINST THE QUATRALYAN!"
Ranma blinked, then he started to laugh.
It was noted that Makoto, and Ranma were all laughing at the ludicrous chickendog that was slowly moving across the arena towards them. Kasumi merely politely smiled at the creature.
Tenchi wasn't. Dee was actually frowning. Ami was looking at something on her laptop.
"Pray, cease this humor," said Dee in a clear voice. "Please note that the overall body shape is reminiscent of certain predator birds. Though the mouth area is apparently quite small, the muzzle itself is rather long."
"Affirmative," Ami said, reading displays on her laptop. "Confirming that creature is predatorial in nature."
"My turn, I would theorize." Dee said, sniffing the air for some odd reason.
Ranma and Shampoo stood to the sides, wondering what this gaijin was going to do if that thing was actually dangerous. She didn't LOOK like a martial artist.
Shucking her overcoat, Dee was wearing loose fitting pants, a tanktop, and a necklace that was composed of claws on a rawhide thong. She was also wearing a grin that suggested she was about to have fun. Then she ran forward and CHANGED.
Her mass doubled, fur sprouted from every part of her body, she developed a slight muzzle of her own, thick claws formed on the ends of her fingers. Dee was, after all, a werewolf.
The attitude of the TV viewing public at large was that we had aliens fighting *for* us too.
Slim barbed tentacles shot through the werewolf's body, first two, then five, then a dozen. Dee stopped and slumped to the floor.
The Quatralyan advanced, dozens of tentacles waving around its form.
"Not yet," snarled Dee. She rolled to her feet and began slashing and hacking with her claws, ripping the predator's body apart despite her having been holed an even dozen times through the chest with inch thick tentacles.
The Quatralyan made another angry sounding gurgle before it became dozens of splotchy bits on the floor.
Dee staggered off and collapsed against the wall, groaning.
Kasumi was there almost immediately, ready to bind wounds, only to have the patient grin bloodily at her.
"Do not overworry yourself, my friend, these wounds will heal of themselves quickly enough, though your concern is quite appreciated."
Kasumi stared down at the furry woman's torso and nodded, she remained nearby, however.
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"You see that! McFee! They may not be common, but there ARE humans who can feel sympathy for those not of their species! It is damn slow, but they ARE learning."
"Maybe," nodded McFee. "Mayhap it is time that the magical races, slowly mind you, began to return. Maybe. We'll see."
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illegal aliens in Nerima [xover][bet][alt]
all apologies to Phil Foglio & Nick Pollotta, R.Takahashi, Pioneer, Fred Perry, Morgan Wright, and all the other trademark owners.
----------------------1b-----------------------------
"They're incredible!" Botswank, fungoid and usually more irritating than being trapped on an elevator with a number of preschoolers was gushing with enthusiasm. "I apologize, oh fearless leader, who would have thought that a primitive planet like this would provide such sport?"
"Yes," agreed Squee. "At least some of these 'humans' possess power up transformations, this makes this one of the more interesting worlds we've come to 'play with.' I wonder how they'll handle the third test?"
Leader Idow sat back in his command chair. "Send in the cleaning robot and ready the recording equipment. This...will be interesting."
"All bets must ride until after the test," announced the rocky Gasterphaz. "I shall prepare the war robot for immediate use. Half speed?" He hadn't had a chance to use the war robot in quite some time.
The lizardlike Squee spoke up from the Communications console. "Why not full speed? Our Dirtlings may be able to handle it."
The ship's leader momentarily imagined small fuzzy and cute creatures being dropped into an active blender and shivered in delight. "Make it so."
A set of grins flashed in the alien control room as they prepared for this test.
---------------------------------------------
Ukyou frowned. "She's still hanging onto him." She'd dismissed Mousse's observation earlier as ridiculous. No, Kasumi & Ranchan? Absurd!
Nabiki had noticed the rising auras from Kodachi, Ukyou, and Akane and couldn't resist speculating out loud. Times when there COULD have been undercurrents of a deeper meaning between the two, when the two had innocently been left alone (and who could tell what they'd been up to at such times), or when Kasumi and Ranma might have been...
Akane had been angry, but now the doubts rose. Could it be? First Doctor Tofu, and now Ranma? Why, why did they always love Kasumi? No, it couldn't be! Was that a flash of jealousy on Kasumi's face when Shampoo glomped Ranma? Surely not...
Kodachi stared at the screen. Her Ranma, sitting there being glomped by that Chinese hussy! And here she'd been completely fooled by the eldest of the Tendo daughters. Such subterfuge to maintain this facade for so long!
Everyone watching the broadcast tensed as the doors to the combat area opened again. A huge metal robot was entering the arena, this time without any announcement from the alien leader.
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Everyone was up, Kasumi hiding behind Ranma as the robot entered the containment area. It was easily twenty feet tall, with a smooth green armored body. In its hands was a veined metal staff with a tube that connected to the robot's body.
"Certes, this looks to be of considerable difficulty," said Makoto's translated voice.
Ami frowned. Something about the robot's design seemed off.
"ATTACK!" Ranma and Shampoo ran forward, followed by Dee and Makoto.
The cleaning robot glanced up, wondering what the problem was. The test chamber wasn't nearly as messy as it usually was.
"Fierce Tiger Ball!" Ranma opened the attack, firing off a quick chi-blast at one of the robot's kneecaps.
"Stormwind kick," was Shampoo's first move, a fierce chi-enhanced kick slamming into the robot's head.
Dee shifted and struck the robot's chest, her claws sinking into an access hatch and ripping it free a moment later.
Makoto blinked, shrugged, and went back to watching Ami as she didn't really feel she could add much to the damage the three were doing. At least as long as Ami said that broadcast was going on.
The robot collapsed, managing to send a desperate plea to Those Who Command.
-----------------------------------
"They're doing _what_?" Leader Idow bigsweated.
"Attacking the cleaning robot," said Squee with a pained voice.
"Hey, you waste-heads," Leader Idow spoke into the communicator. "Cut that out!"
-----------------------------------
The translators running through this did their usual job. (As a side note, the Australians were getting their broadcast in French, while the Mexicans were getting something that sounded suspiciously like a Noh play.)
"CEASE AND DESIST, FOOLISH ONES!"
The various assembled "representitives" of Earth weren't buying anything this guy was saying at this point.
"STOP THESE ACTIONS, THAT IS ONLY THE CLEANING ROBOT!"
"Expression of considerable doubt." Shampoo said. "Breaking point!"
Looking at all the smoke coming out of the robot, Tenchi called the attacking three back to a safe distance.
They were rewarded by a rather large explosion a few moments later.
The citizens of the world looked at the suddenly blank screens.
Nabiki looked at the way the sphere had shuddered, back to the blank screen, and started calling for final bets.
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"Scanners are offline," Ami announced, watching her board.
"Shampoo, you have the honors," Ranma bowed and gestured towards the door.
"Airen nice to Shampoo. Breaking point!" Shampoo thrust a finger towards the huge airlock, which promptly exploded. "Shampoo think we play Too Loud Not-man's game too long."
Tenchi moved past her into the hallway and grinned. "I take it we can all keep secrets here?"
Nobody disagreed.
"Right then." Tenchi triggered his clothes to change into a Juraian battlesuit.
"Right-o, if we're gonna meet the skipper of this craft, we might as well change for the occasion, eh?" Dee shifted back into her werewolf hybrid form.
"Where'd Makoto and Ami go?"
"Mercury Star Power!"
"Jupiter Star Power!"
"Huh?" Ranma blinked as two of the Sailor Senshi walked out of the arena room.
"We've gotten Ami and Makoto to safety. We are the sailorsuited warriors of love and beauty, Sailor Jupiter."
Mercury bigsweated. "...and Sailor Mercury..."
Ranma nudged Tenchi. "Do they really think we're dumb enough to buy this?"
Tenchi replied in the same low voice that he thought that they were doing this for some personal reason and they all ought to respect their wishes.
"Oh my, are you sure you want to wear those fuku? It seems kind of chilly here for that."
"Uhm. Regulations, it's our Senshi uniform."
"Anyway," Mercury interrupted her partner. "We've got to find the control room before they recover from the blast!"
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"Gone!" Squee turned from his board and addressed the others. "The primitives are gone!"
The stony form of Gasterphaz made a clucking noise. "A pity, but that blast would have damaged even me."
"N-No, not dead. They've escaped."
Idow dropped his bundle of fiber optic cables. "They're loose? Aboard MY SHIP?!"
"Hmmm. Activating defensive measures." Gasterphaz flicked a few switches. "Intruder alert on."
Idow sat back in his chair. "It appears there will be a third test after all, and this is one that WE must pass."
A few minutes dragged by.
"They are still onboard, no airlock has been opened, the forcefield is still in place, and there are no signs of them anywhere aboard our vessel." Gasterphaz opened his hands wide in a gesture of confusion. "Yet none of the security cameras can find them. This is most peculiar. Primitives should not be able to do this."
"Maybe they aren't primitives..." Idow said thoughtfully.
"Not primitives?"
Idow began with a fist and began straightening the fingers of that hand. "One, they use special techniques and abilities. Two, one of them at least is able to shapechange. Three, we took those unusual energy readings from all but one of them. Four, at no point did any of them show any real fear."
Squee tested the broadcast relay. Gasterphaz and Idow's next words rolled out through the broadcast before he could cut it off again.
Gasterphaz interrupted Idow, not realizing how far his words extended. "Wait, what of that 'housewife' - she seemed to react with some degree of fear."
Idow shook his head. "That was just the initiation of a mating..."
Squee cut the inadvertant broadcast off.
"...ritual," finished Idow. "I've studied mammals, I know this sort of thing."
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Ukyou dropped her spatula and continued to stare at the television. "No..."
"Kasumi?!" Akane was horrified.
"Kasumi?!!" Nabiki was startled enough to stop counting money. She had just been joking earlier, but if Ranma and Kasumi had been "mating"... "Oh my."
"You see, you dried up monkey? I _was_ right."
Cologne clopped Mousse upside the head with her cane. "Everyone can get lucky, boy."
Doctor Tofu fainted.
---------------------------------
"So, if they aren't primitives, who?" Gasterphaz stopped. "Galaxy Police?"
"Or worse," Botswank cried. "The K'tee, they might be the K'tee!"
"Hmmm. I could see the Galaxy Police trying this. The K'tee don't understand sneaky to this extent." Idow thought it rather more likely that if the K'tee had found him, there would be a twenty click smouldering crater where his ship had been.
"The gas!" Botswank cried from his station, the arrogant mushroom shaking in fear. "We must use the Omega Gas. Flood the ship. Nothing can resist Omega Gas, not even the vaunted Galaxy Police!"
"What about Trell? Is he to die as well as the primitives?" Idow flinched. Omega gas would instantly dissolve anything organic it came into contact with. If these were K'tee, they might be suprised. If they WERE K'tee it was Idow's only chance of survival.
"Trell is still in the rejuvenation chamber following Botswank's little 'joke'. Providing he remains within, he will be safe."
"Begin immediately then," ordered Idow. "Seal off anything organic that the gas will destroy, food, clothes, us..."
"Us too? How clever of you, I would never have thought of that," Botswank exclaimed sarcastically.
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stopping here.
for those of you not familiar with the original novel "Illegal Aliens" - it's a 1989 book by Phil Foglio and Nick Pollotta that is in the style of Chris Anvil's "Terra Uber Alles" works. The slapstick/humor levels are very similar to Ranma in some respects.
No, the aliens aren't stupid, but galactic society somehow stratifies its members (possibly due to the various lawyers and other limiting lifeforms) involved. The aliens aren't dumb, merely complacent.
If any of my sempai want to tackle this project, i'll send 'em a copy of the novel.
Leader Idow and his gang of psychopaths basically go around from one star system to another, and play this little game of "you fail, we're going to get our fleet and disintegrate your planet" then record the rioting, looting, mayhem that ensues as a form of entertainment.
The cameras come back on, and Shampoo opens the door to the control room. Omega Gas starts seeping out of the ventilator ducts.
Leader Idow gets killed. In this storyline, the Omega Gas is held at bay by Mercury's "Shabon Spray" and she is also the one who shuts off the Gas. Everyone is relieved, until Botswank tries to make a run for it. Sailor Jupiter fries him.
Unfortunately, they are in the control center when Jupiter's lightning sets the ship on an auto-launch high speed evasive retreat manuever.
Everybody on Earth watches as the triumphant heroes are accidently launched into space with a rabid toadstool and an unconscious slave/technician.
Nabiki sells the fictitious torrid secret romance of Kasumi and Ranma to a major network. Etc.
The ship lands on Mongo, and the crew runs afoul of Ming.
The story ended here because i was working on a lot of other things and the reaction from the FFML was mainly "how dare i not pair up Akane and Ranma". That's calmed down a lot in recent times, but it was enough to permanently sour me on writing Akane + Ranma pairings.
all apologies to Phil Foglio & Nick Pollotta, R.Takahashi, Pioneer, Fred Perry, Morgan Wright, and all the other trademark owners.
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"Tiny changes?" Surtur frowned, subtle was not something he typically understood, but Hel if he was gonna let those uppity Aesir go playing this game without him putting his two stel in. "How about..." He remembered Skuld doing something. "How about if this ship go off course? Navigation off. Pretty funny, yah?"
"Yah, yah, yah!" Three vikings walked by, obviously lost.
Toltiir blinked. "Okay, let's see what you've done."
---------------------------------------
Akane hit the baseball with all her might, watching as it climbed into the sun.
"Damn, Akane, I think that one might be gone forever."
Akane blinked. "No. Here it comes. Uh....oh."
The baseball was dropping down, now the size of a soccer ball, then the size of a Japanese sedan, then the size of a house.
Darkness embraced Akane as she stared up at the huge sphere that she realized was larger than the Kuno Estate. A featureless white sphere gently dropping at a few hundred feet per second.
The bat had dropped to her feet. Her jaw was attempting to join it. "Eeep?" A sudden and completely insane thought freezing Akane in place was the wild hope that this wasn't:
a) some magical prince come to claim her as his bride.
b) some new fiancee whose family had been sold Ranma by his father.
c) some new childhood rival after Ranma, who would probably kidnap her during his/her quest for vengeance.
d) worst of all, it could be someone else like the Chardin family that *her* father had sold *her* to.
Unfortunately, the size of the sphere would seem to indicate that it would take up the entire field. For those of the audience unfamiliar with softball, Akane was standing at home plate.
Seeing the deepening shadow spreading ahead of her faster than she could run, Akane did something she always hated to do. "Ranma! Help!" It was a tough choice, but she had decided that calling to Ranma for assistance was less a blow to one's pride than being squished under a really damn big ping-pong ball.
The sudden acceleration made her heart skip a beat, realizing that Ranma had indeed come to her rescue. The flood of relief was just momentarily shouldered aside by a realization that Ranma had not been too terribly careful where he had grabbed Akane in their high velocity flight out of ground zero.
She didn't really mean to hit him, it was more of a reflex action.
After all, knocking someone unconscious as they're in mid leap carrying you to safety, would not be a consciously made choice. Even for Akane.
-------------------------------------------------
The huge white ball sat there in the ruins of the schoolyard, a massive thing that stretched from the gym to a little further than where the rear walls had been.
Within minutes, Nabiki Tendo had moved with near "Chestnut Fist" speed and gotten the T-shirts, bumper stickers, and other paraphenalia to be produced.
Ucchan's set up a stall, after paying an informer's fee to Nabiki. The Cat Cafe followed suit.
The crowd was immense at this point, having drawn people from all over to see this odd thing.
A discrete bribe to the cameraman insured that Nabiki's smiling face (as she hawked "I SAW THE ALIEN SPACESHIP" T-shirts and memorial travel mugs) was seen by the television audience.
-----------------------------------
"Off to _another_ job," sighed Kiyone unhappily to Mihoshi. This certainly wasn't what she'd entered the Galaxy Police for. "It's not...like..."
Kiyone stopped and backed up to look at the image of the ship being shown on the display TV. "Live from Furinkan High School" was displayed on the bottom.
"Oh, wow! That's a Nikon #4, isn't it? Looks like it's in good condition." Mihoshi scratched her head, thinking it looked familiar. In a way, it was the Galactic Standard equivelant of a fairly old minivan.
"Oh my...no. Oh no," Kiyone's expression suggested that she'd just found out that she had been demoted to janitorial services on one of the seedier planets. "Do you recognize that? It's the 'All That Glitters', Mihoshi. That's Leader Idow's ship!" There was a reason that model wasn't used anymore. NOBODY wanted to be mistaken for Leader Idow. Even the tentacled hentai aliens of Planet Storone at least liked to pretend they had more class than Leader Idow.
"Leader Idow?" Mihoshi thought about this. "Isn't he the one who..."
"Idow The Butcher? Idow the Genocidal Maniac? The terrorist responsible for the destruction of thousands of worlds, the unleashing of the Berserkers, convincing Kaine that our galaxy is a nice place to visit, the one responsible for R'por'R and the K'taa jihads, the mastermind behind the Iroha Seiryu War? Yes, THAT Leader Idow. How did he get HERE? Oh crap!"
Kiyone started running, then came back and pulled Mihoshi forcefully away from the TV. "C'mon, Mihoshi, maybe Washuu has the Yagami fixed! Oh, damn, what timing."
The world was doomed. She'd probably be demoted. This was a very bad day.
--------------------------------------------------
T he police had arrived in swarms. SWAT team helicopters and TV news choppers battled overhead for air supremacy. The Japanese Self Defense Force and CNN jockeyed for position.
The forceshield proved too much for Ranma's Mouko Takabisha, Ryouga's Shishi Hokoudan, and (in a desperate move by Ranma) Akane's bento. Akane hurled Ranma against the shield a moment later with no more effect than the lunch "she had slaved over for two hours!" (Fifteen minutes of actual preparation, following a brief problem with a HAZMAT team arriving and taking away her first attempt at making Ootoro no Kushiyaki.)
Tenchi bought Sasami an "I saw the alien spaceship" souvenier travel mug, and wondered why the heck she'd want something like that. The plushy little green man he could understand, kind of, especially after her explanation of how it reminded her of some ambassador she'd met years ago.
The Sailor Senshi stood by, in their civilian disguises, just in case. Since the forceshield also stopped their scanners, they had to wonder if this wasn't another Dark Kingdom trick.
Dee, cursing the crowd and having to spend a lot of time in a smelly city, looked at the alien ship and wondered if their technology could lift the curse of infertility inflicted upon the werewolves.
----------------------------
Meanwhile, deep within the alien ship, odd semi-organic machines stirred from their fitful sleep. Invisible beams began to probe the crowd, paying scant attention to the ecstatic money-counting Nabiki, the ice-cream slurping Usagi, the aghast pizza delivery boy, the frightened, the oblivious, and yes - even the great Tatewaki Kuno.
Steadily, the beams probed, and the viewing intelligences were quite unaware that their scanners were among the rapidly increasing list of devices that were not working too terribly well.
Hundreds were tested as the beams widened their search marking certain individuals as being possible candidates among the milling throng of rejects. Here it settled on seven among the masses who viewed it dispassionately, without fear or much emotion at all.
"These?" asked the device of They-Who-Command.
"Are they a good cross-section of the populace of this world?"
"A cross-dresser, a housewife, a delivery girl, a juku student, a prince (therefore a representitive of a ruling body), a juvenile delinquent, and a hunter. Yes. As far as can be determined."
"Well," came the answer. "They'll have to do."
Instantly space/time twisted around the chosen and they vanished.
"Ranma!" Akane yelled as he vanished.
"Ranchan!" Ukyo glared at Akane, wondering briefly if the youngest daughter of the Tendo family had belted Ranma to the horizon again.
"SHAMPOO!" Mousse screamed.
"Tenchi!" Sasami yelped.
"Ami! Makoto!" Usagi squealed.
Ifurita looked around. Someone had attacked Makoto? They would pay dearly for that. Oh, wait, he was buying two of those okonomiyaki things...false alarm. However the odd woman who had been standing nearby had vanished.
-------------------------------------------------
The sphere had analyzed the primitive broadcast mediums and now responded, blowing every station and signal off the dial with its own massive surge. Almost microscopic repeaters in orbit made sure that the message was received in a global manner.
The masses at first laughed. Thinking that this was a rebroadcast of an old hokey SF program. The realization that it was real came later. Others, though, reacted differently.
Skuld, Urd, and Belldandy stared at the events coming by and wondered why this had never appeared in the prophesies of Ragnarok.
In Los Angeles, a small superhero team decided to respond to this new threat as they did with all threats. Gorgon, Slick, and Brute nodded to each other and boarded a plane for Japan. They exited a few moments later as they couldn't get clearance for takeoff from the tower without any radios working.
Makoto and Ifurita watched Nabiki's television and wondered if this was something that Jinnai had cooked up.
The remaining Sailor Senshi tried to re-establish communication with their missing members. Failing that, they went looking for a place to transform and try their powers against the invisible barrier. Now, of course, the little black cat was exclaiming that she just *knew* that this had been a Dark Kingdom plot.
And in a secret bunker down below the Pentagon, the UN's First Contact Team started their trip to Japan.
In the MiB offices, the Magenta flag was raised and everyone read up on the files for Leader Idow.
---------------------------------------
"...OF DIRT, ATTENTION.....PEOPLE OF DIRT, ATTENTION."
Makoto Mizuhara turned to Ifurita. "It sounds like a computer generated voice. Possibly the aliens lack the same sort of vocal equipment we have."
"Huh?" Nabiki said. This guy obviously wasn't from Nerima, he had a brain.
"WE ARE SCOUTS OF THE GALACTIC LEAGUE HERE TO DETERMINE IF YOUR PLANET, THE DIRT, IS SUFFICIENTLY ADVANCED TO JOIN THE COALITION OF YOUR NEIGHBORING STARS."
The odd geometric patterns playing on the screen changed, becoming a blue skinned humanoid wearing a white military-looking uniform. He had two mouths, only one of which was moving.
"Yup, translation device," observed Makoto. "He doesn't have any lip-synch. From either mouth."
"FROM THE CROWD THAT HEMS OUR SHIP, WE HAVE TELEPORTED ABOARD A CROSS SECTION REPRESENTATION OF YOUR PLANET'S POPULACE."
"Ranma's alive?" Akane looked up.
"I knew Ranchan couldn't have died that easily!" Ukyou wiped tears away.
"My Shampoo is alive?"
"She's not yours, you dolt."
"THE POPULATION OF YOUR PLANET SHALL BE ALLOWED TO WATCH YOUR REPRESENTITIVES BEING TESTED. IF THE SUBJECTS PASS, THEN DIRT WILL BE WELCOMED INTO THE GALACTIC LEAGUE AS A NEW, BUT EQUAL, MEMBER."
"I hear a qualifier coming," observed Nabiki in an ominous tone.
"BUT..."
Nabiki groaned.
"...SHOULD YOUR REPRESENTATIVES FAIL THE TESTS, THEN WE WILL BE FORCED TO REDUCE YOUR PLANET TO A RADIOACTIVE CINDER. NOTHING PERSONAL. THIS IS IDOW OF THE GALACTIC LEAGUE...OUT."
-------------------------------
The whine of turbines filled the air. Kiyone adjusted the shields, set weapons to charge, and flicked the switch that would bring the main engines online. "Yagami. LAUNCH!"
<WHHIRIRrrrrrrrrr. rattle. sput. click>
"Auuggghhhhhhhhhh!"
--------------------------- ----
Nabiki stared at the screen, a look of horror on her face. "Our lives depend on Ranma proving that we're civilized enough to join a galactic society. We're doomed."
"Hey, Ranchan's not that bad."
"Doomed."
Mousse shrugged. "Hey, he's got Shampoo with him. That lowlife."
"Doomed, I tell you." Nabiki was sweating. Shampoo was there too?! Maybe now was a good time to have a religious conversion.
"Ranma will do it, I'm sure," Akane hesitated. "Hey, he's with Shampoo, isn't he? That hentai!"
"Completely doomed."
"I don't think they're what they say they are," Makoto Mizuhara said carefully and loudly enough that he could be clearly overheard. "If they are, their handling of the situation is completely wrong. Come on, people, we're not beaten yet!"
"Doomed." Nabiki repeated. And here she had made such a nice profit so far...
The TV screens came alive again, this time showing scenes of the those who had been chosen to represent "Dirt."
"Hey, who's that woman hugging Ranchan?"
"Kasumi?" Akane blinked at the way Kasumi was clinging to Ranma.
"Kasumi?" Nabiki said with a little hope. Nearly everyone liked Kasumi. Maybe Kasumi could balance out Ranma.
A tight camera angle showed Ranma, the words underneath reading "crossdressing pro wrestler." This caused Ryouga to fall over laughing for the next five minutes and miss nearly everything else.
The picture moved, showing Kasumi Tendo hugging Ranma. The logo read "Crossdresser's housewife."
Mousse slapped his fist into one hand. "That's it! No wonder that Akane and Ranma couldn't be broken up, it was all a cover for the real fiancee! I knew all that fighting they did couldn't have been for real. Kasumi has been the real Tendo fiancee all along!"
Nabiki and Akane stared at Mousse, while Cologne muttered something about how if that had been true, Shampoo would have just taken a co-wife and they'd be on their way to living happily ever after. Ukyou actually thought about it.
Usagi Tsukino gasped as a picture of Ami Mizuno was shown. The caption read "juvenile delinquent."
Makoto Kino was shown next. The caption this time read "over obsessive cram school student."
"I think there's something wrong with their machines," said Rei Hino in a dry voice. "Either that or this is some EXTREMELY lame Dark Kingdom plot."
Nabiki blinked at the green eyed and red haired girl who was actually snarling. The caption on her read "Dirt Primary Huntress."
Mizuhara cleared his throat. "I think they mean 'Earth First'."
Shampoo settled into a horse stance and began a "Chestnut fist" attack on one of the doors, being told to desist by the red haired girl. The caption on this picture read "pet shop delivery girl."
"Doomed," repeated Nabiki. Even if Kasumi balanced Ranma somehow, Shampoo would start in with the pidgin and barbarian manners and they'd be radioactive cinders in the morning.
A single man, completely calm, seemed to have an air of leadership to many of those watching. "Prince" read his caption.
Miles away, Aeka and Ryoko's current fight came to an abrupt halt. With an oddly harmonious "They've got Tenchi!", the two raced off to try to come to the rescue.
------------------------------------------
"Atten tion, Dirtlings," spoke Leader Idow's translated voice, "we are ready to begin the First Test."
"Consume waste products, you unclean male offspring of unmarried parental units!" The red furred one yelled at the ceiling. "We are not jointed wooden statues to perform physical motions set to music upon your twisted vegetable fibers."
------------------------------------
Makoto Mizuhara sighed. "Her lip synch is off too. I think she meant 'puppets dancing on a string' but there's something off with the translation equipment."
------------------------------------
"There is no need to shout," Leader Idow thumbed up the volume in the test chamber, then lowered it back down to normal. Idly he wondered at how this barbarian knew his parents.
"Negative waste products," gasped Ranma. "Self apology, Kasumi."
Kasumi nodded.
"You seven are a cross section of your race brought aboard this ship as a sampling of typical Dirtlings."
"Your maternal unit was a dirtling!" Makoto Kino muttered, but loudly enough that her words (translated and retranslated) reached around the globe via the broadcasting.
"Before the people of your world," Leader Idow continued, "you will be tested to see if your race is ready to join the Galactic League."
"Is that anything like the Silver Millenium?"
"However," Leader Idow gave a questioning look to the communications tech who just shrugged, "if you fail the tests, your planet will be destroyed."
"That inhales!" Makoto said.
"That exhales!" Dee growled.
"I smell most unpleasantly on tests," groaned Ranma.
The calm boy with the black ponytail stood up from where he'd been leaning against the wall. "And so, praytell, this unit inquires as to nature of tests."
Leader Idow grinned. "Let me show you."
------------------------------------
A pillar rose from the floor, with four metal lumps that resembled army helmets with ducts and fans added.
"THIS IS THE FIRST TEST," came Idow's voice, booming again. "IN SIXTY SECONDS, THESE FOUR COMBAT DRONES WILL BE ACTIVATED AND THEY WILL DO THEIR BEST TO KILL YOU. DESTROY THESE DRONES OR YOU SHALL ALL PERISH......HEY!"
Ranma and Shampoo seemed to blur.
"Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire!" Ranma slammed two of the drones with hundreds of punches per second.
"Breaking point!" Shampoo jabbed out with two fingers, shattering the two on her side.
"Show off," said Ranma to Shampoo.
Shampoo grinned and shrugged.
------------------------------------
All over the world, people blinked and checked their watches.
Also all over the world, a vast number of the male populace wanted to know where the girl in the short Chinese dress came from, and were there any more like that? Two Internet search engines crashed immediately thereafter.
------------------------------------
At the one minute mark, one of the larger lumps of metal made a growling noise and extruded a knife blade. Ranma very quickly shattered it into tiny pieces.
"Next?" Tenchi said, all but oozing confidence at the camera.
-------------------------------------
All over the world, hundreds of young women were asking where this Prince came from, and was he single?
Almost half that number were asking similar questions about the guy with the pigtail.
--------------------------------------
"YOU...HA VE DONE WELL, DIRTLINGS."
"Here it comes," warned Tenchi. Unnecessarily as even Kasumi realized what was going on.
A series of doors began to slide open, eerily resembling the sort of thing you'd see in "Get Smart."
"THIS IS YOUR SECOND TEST....FIGHT, DIRTLINGS! FIGHT AND KILL FOR THE LIFE OF YOUR PLANET AGAINST THE QUATRALYAN!"
Ranma blinked, then he started to laugh.
It was noted that Makoto, and Ranma were all laughing at the ludicrous chickendog that was slowly moving across the arena towards them. Kasumi merely politely smiled at the creature.
Tenchi wasn't. Dee was actually frowning. Ami was looking at something on her laptop.
"Pray, cease this humor," said Dee in a clear voice. "Please note that the overall body shape is reminiscent of certain predator birds. Though the mouth area is apparently quite small, the muzzle itself is rather long."
"Affirmative," Ami said, reading displays on her laptop. "Confirming that creature is predatorial in nature."
"My turn, I would theorize." Dee said, sniffing the air for some odd reason.
Ranma and Shampoo stood to the sides, wondering what this gaijin was going to do if that thing was actually dangerous. She didn't LOOK like a martial artist.
Shucking her overcoat, Dee was wearing loose fitting pants, a tanktop, and a necklace that was composed of claws on a rawhide thong. She was also wearing a grin that suggested she was about to have fun. Then she ran forward and CHANGED.
Her mass doubled, fur sprouted from every part of her body, she developed a slight muzzle of her own, thick claws formed on the ends of her fingers. Dee was, after all, a werewolf.
The attitude of the TV viewing public at large was that we had aliens fighting *for* us too.
Slim barbed tentacles shot through the werewolf's body, first two, then five, then a dozen. Dee stopped and slumped to the floor.
The Quatralyan advanced, dozens of tentacles waving around its form.
"Not yet," snarled Dee. She rolled to her feet and began slashing and hacking with her claws, ripping the predator's body apart despite her having been holed an even dozen times through the chest with inch thick tentacles.
The Quatralyan made another angry sounding gurgle before it became dozens of splotchy bits on the floor.
Dee staggered off and collapsed against the wall, groaning.
Kasumi was there almost immediately, ready to bind wounds, only to have the patient grin bloodily at her.
"Do not overworry yourself, my friend, these wounds will heal of themselves quickly enough, though your concern is quite appreciated."
Kasumi stared down at the furry woman's torso and nodded, she remained nearby, however.
-------------------------------------
"You see that! McFee! They may not be common, but there ARE humans who can feel sympathy for those not of their species! It is damn slow, but they ARE learning."
"Maybe," nodded McFee. "Mayhap it is time that the magical races, slowly mind you, began to return. Maybe. We'll see."
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illegal aliens in Nerima [xover][bet][alt]
all apologies to Phil Foglio & Nick Pollotta, R.Takahashi, Pioneer, Fred Perry, Morgan Wright, and all the other trademark owners.
----------------------1b-----------------------------
"They're incredible!" Botswank, fungoid and usually more irritating than being trapped on an elevator with a number of preschoolers was gushing with enthusiasm. "I apologize, oh fearless leader, who would have thought that a primitive planet like this would provide such sport?"
"Yes," agreed Squee. "At least some of these 'humans' possess power up transformations, this makes this one of the more interesting worlds we've come to 'play with.' I wonder how they'll handle the third test?"
Leader Idow sat back in his command chair. "Send in the cleaning robot and ready the recording equipment. This...will be interesting."
"All bets must ride until after the test," announced the rocky Gasterphaz. "I shall prepare the war robot for immediate use. Half speed?" He hadn't had a chance to use the war robot in quite some time.
The lizardlike Squee spoke up from the Communications console. "Why not full speed? Our Dirtlings may be able to handle it."
The ship's leader momentarily imagined small fuzzy and cute creatures being dropped into an active blender and shivered in delight. "Make it so."
A set of grins flashed in the alien control room as they prepared for this test.
---------------------------------------------
Ukyou frowned. "She's still hanging onto him." She'd dismissed Mousse's observation earlier as ridiculous. No, Kasumi & Ranchan? Absurd!
Nabiki had noticed the rising auras from Kodachi, Ukyou, and Akane and couldn't resist speculating out loud. Times when there COULD have been undercurrents of a deeper meaning between the two, when the two had innocently been left alone (and who could tell what they'd been up to at such times), or when Kasumi and Ranma might have been...
Akane had been angry, but now the doubts rose. Could it be? First Doctor Tofu, and now Ranma? Why, why did they always love Kasumi? No, it couldn't be! Was that a flash of jealousy on Kasumi's face when Shampoo glomped Ranma? Surely not...
Kodachi stared at the screen. Her Ranma, sitting there being glomped by that Chinese hussy! And here she'd been completely fooled by the eldest of the Tendo daughters. Such subterfuge to maintain this facade for so long!
Everyone watching the broadcast tensed as the doors to the combat area opened again. A huge metal robot was entering the arena, this time without any announcement from the alien leader.
------------------------------------
Everyone was up, Kasumi hiding behind Ranma as the robot entered the containment area. It was easily twenty feet tall, with a smooth green armored body. In its hands was a veined metal staff with a tube that connected to the robot's body.
"Certes, this looks to be of considerable difficulty," said Makoto's translated voice.
Ami frowned. Something about the robot's design seemed off.
"ATTACK!" Ranma and Shampoo ran forward, followed by Dee and Makoto.
The cleaning robot glanced up, wondering what the problem was. The test chamber wasn't nearly as messy as it usually was.
"Fierce Tiger Ball!" Ranma opened the attack, firing off a quick chi-blast at one of the robot's kneecaps.
"Stormwind kick," was Shampoo's first move, a fierce chi-enhanced kick slamming into the robot's head.
Dee shifted and struck the robot's chest, her claws sinking into an access hatch and ripping it free a moment later.
Makoto blinked, shrugged, and went back to watching Ami as she didn't really feel she could add much to the damage the three were doing. At least as long as Ami said that broadcast was going on.
The robot collapsed, managing to send a desperate plea to Those Who Command.
-----------------------------------
"They're doing _what_?" Leader Idow bigsweated.
"Attacking the cleaning robot," said Squee with a pained voice.
"Hey, you waste-heads," Leader Idow spoke into the communicator. "Cut that out!"
-----------------------------------
The translators running through this did their usual job. (As a side note, the Australians were getting their broadcast in French, while the Mexicans were getting something that sounded suspiciously like a Noh play.)
"CEASE AND DESIST, FOOLISH ONES!"
The various assembled "representitives" of Earth weren't buying anything this guy was saying at this point.
"STOP THESE ACTIONS, THAT IS ONLY THE CLEANING ROBOT!"
"Expression of considerable doubt." Shampoo said. "Breaking point!"
Looking at all the smoke coming out of the robot, Tenchi called the attacking three back to a safe distance.
They were rewarded by a rather large explosion a few moments later.
The citizens of the world looked at the suddenly blank screens.
Nabiki looked at the way the sphere had shuddered, back to the blank screen, and started calling for final bets.
-------------------------------
"Scanners are offline," Ami announced, watching her board.
"Shampoo, you have the honors," Ranma bowed and gestured towards the door.
"Airen nice to Shampoo. Breaking point!" Shampoo thrust a finger towards the huge airlock, which promptly exploded. "Shampoo think we play Too Loud Not-man's game too long."
Tenchi moved past her into the hallway and grinned. "I take it we can all keep secrets here?"
Nobody disagreed.
"Right then." Tenchi triggered his clothes to change into a Juraian battlesuit.
"Right-o, if we're gonna meet the skipper of this craft, we might as well change for the occasion, eh?" Dee shifted back into her werewolf hybrid form.
"Where'd Makoto and Ami go?"
"Mercury Star Power!"
"Jupiter Star Power!"
"Huh?" Ranma blinked as two of the Sailor Senshi walked out of the arena room.
"We've gotten Ami and Makoto to safety. We are the sailorsuited warriors of love and beauty, Sailor Jupiter."
Mercury bigsweated. "...and Sailor Mercury..."
Ranma nudged Tenchi. "Do they really think we're dumb enough to buy this?"
Tenchi replied in the same low voice that he thought that they were doing this for some personal reason and they all ought to respect their wishes.
"Oh my, are you sure you want to wear those fuku? It seems kind of chilly here for that."
"Uhm. Regulations, it's our Senshi uniform."
"Anyway," Mercury interrupted her partner. "We've got to find the control room before they recover from the blast!"
----------------------------------------
"Gone!" Squee turned from his board and addressed the others. "The primitives are gone!"
The stony form of Gasterphaz made a clucking noise. "A pity, but that blast would have damaged even me."
"N-No, not dead. They've escaped."
Idow dropped his bundle of fiber optic cables. "They're loose? Aboard MY SHIP?!"
"Hmmm. Activating defensive measures." Gasterphaz flicked a few switches. "Intruder alert on."
Idow sat back in his chair. "It appears there will be a third test after all, and this is one that WE must pass."
A few minutes dragged by.
"They are still onboard, no airlock has been opened, the forcefield is still in place, and there are no signs of them anywhere aboard our vessel." Gasterphaz opened his hands wide in a gesture of confusion. "Yet none of the security cameras can find them. This is most peculiar. Primitives should not be able to do this."
"Maybe they aren't primitives..." Idow said thoughtfully.
"Not primitives?"
Idow began with a fist and began straightening the fingers of that hand. "One, they use special techniques and abilities. Two, one of them at least is able to shapechange. Three, we took those unusual energy readings from all but one of them. Four, at no point did any of them show any real fear."
Squee tested the broadcast relay. Gasterphaz and Idow's next words rolled out through the broadcast before he could cut it off again.
Gasterphaz interrupted Idow, not realizing how far his words extended. "Wait, what of that 'housewife' - she seemed to react with some degree of fear."
Idow shook his head. "That was just the initiation of a mating..."
Squee cut the inadvertant broadcast off.
"...ritual," finished Idow. "I've studied mammals, I know this sort of thing."
----------------------------------
Ukyou dropped her spatula and continued to stare at the television. "No..."
"Kasumi?!" Akane was horrified.
"Kasumi?!!" Nabiki was startled enough to stop counting money. She had just been joking earlier, but if Ranma and Kasumi had been "mating"... "Oh my."
"You see, you dried up monkey? I _was_ right."
Cologne clopped Mousse upside the head with her cane. "Everyone can get lucky, boy."
Doctor Tofu fainted.
---------------------------------
"So, if they aren't primitives, who?" Gasterphaz stopped. "Galaxy Police?"
"Or worse," Botswank cried. "The K'tee, they might be the K'tee!"
"Hmmm. I could see the Galaxy Police trying this. The K'tee don't understand sneaky to this extent." Idow thought it rather more likely that if the K'tee had found him, there would be a twenty click smouldering crater where his ship had been.
"The gas!" Botswank cried from his station, the arrogant mushroom shaking in fear. "We must use the Omega Gas. Flood the ship. Nothing can resist Omega Gas, not even the vaunted Galaxy Police!"
"What about Trell? Is he to die as well as the primitives?" Idow flinched. Omega gas would instantly dissolve anything organic it came into contact with. If these were K'tee, they might be suprised. If they WERE K'tee it was Idow's only chance of survival.
"Trell is still in the rejuvenation chamber following Botswank's little 'joke'. Providing he remains within, he will be safe."
"Begin immediately then," ordered Idow. "Seal off anything organic that the gas will destroy, food, clothes, us..."
"Us too? How clever of you, I would never have thought of that," Botswank exclaimed sarcastically.
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stopping here.
for those of you not familiar with the original novel "Illegal Aliens" - it's a 1989 book by Phil Foglio and Nick Pollotta that is in the style of Chris Anvil's "Terra Uber Alles" works. The slapstick/humor levels are very similar to Ranma in some respects.
No, the aliens aren't stupid, but galactic society somehow stratifies its members (possibly due to the various lawyers and other limiting lifeforms) involved. The aliens aren't dumb, merely complacent.
If any of my sempai want to tackle this project, i'll send 'em a copy of the novel.
Leader Idow and his gang of psychopaths basically go around from one star system to another, and play this little game of "you fail, we're going to get our fleet and disintegrate your planet" then record the rioting, looting, mayhem that ensues as a form of entertainment.
The cameras come back on, and Shampoo opens the door to the control room. Omega Gas starts seeping out of the ventilator ducts.
Leader Idow gets killed. In this storyline, the Omega Gas is held at bay by Mercury's "Shabon Spray" and she is also the one who shuts off the Gas. Everyone is relieved, until Botswank tries to make a run for it. Sailor Jupiter fries him.
Unfortunately, they are in the control center when Jupiter's lightning sets the ship on an auto-launch high speed evasive retreat manuever.
Everybody on Earth watches as the triumphant heroes are accidently launched into space with a rabid toadstool and an unconscious slave/technician.
Nabiki sells the fictitious torrid secret romance of Kasumi and Ranma to a major network. Etc.
The ship lands on Mongo, and the crew runs afoul of Ming.
The story ended here because i was working on a lot of other things and the reaction from the FFML was mainly "how dare i not pair up Akane and Ranma". That's calmed down a lot in recent times, but it was enough to permanently sour me on writing Akane + Ranma pairings.