Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ Ranma Dead ❯ Chapter 1

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Imported From: RAAC
From: "Nicholas Stone" <bnstone@ix.netcom.com>

Lo' there,
Just a short fic to break some monotony. C&C is highly desirable,
oh and uh, please read
the note at the end of the story too...

Now, on with the show....






Ranma Dead:
(The Whole Story)

by

Nicholas Stone


Furinkan High School
Class Break, 10:00AM

Ranma Saotome trudged along the high school hallways
towards the one class he simply dreaded the most.
Chemistry, he thought rounding the turn towards the stairs.
Who in their right mind would need such a subject when there
was more important things in life besides playing around
with chemicals and fungi crap.
Today, the class was continuing on with their projects
for the upcoming school bazaar, and he still had not thought
up anything to present for Professor Hano. Ranma knew he
better come up with something quick, otherwise he'd fail
this course and that would hurt his chances of advancement
into the next class.
"Humph," he muttered. "Maybe I can get some kind of an
idea from Gos." He shuddered at the notion, dreading even
having to be in the same classroom with the creepy kid. But
he had to admit; Gosunkugi did come as a surprise to
everyone. An obvious techno freak, his grades and scores
allowed him to advance into higher-level classes not
normally allowed by the school faculty. Now if the kid
would just drop his lusting for Akane, and quit trying to
kill him, then maybe, just maybe he could turn out to be a
likable guy.
"Well, I've got nothing else to lose," said Ranma,
drawing in a deep breath. "It's either that, or another
semester of the periodic tables."
Shuddering, Ranma turned the corner hading down to the
chemistry lab.

* * * * *

Hikaru Gosunkugi's pale, placid face peered hard at the
beaker in front of him, a shaky hand gently squeezing a
clear colored liquid from a eyedropper into a glass on the
counter top. Several drops fell into the glass blending
seamlessly into what appeared to be water, but Gosunkugi
knew this was not the case.
He grinned, setting the eyedropper down and beamed
proudly at his latest anti-Ranma creation. "Finally," said
Gosunkugi, "I will neutralize Ranma and his power over the
fair Akane's heart. Then she will be mine. Mine, mine,
MINE!"
Gosunkugi cackles filled the lab, cutting short upon
hearing someone clearing their throat behind him. Hikaru
flinched looking slowly back over his shoulder, straight up
into Professor Hano's face. The tall, middle-aged man stood
with one brow cocked up, eyeing him with a suspicious glare.
"So, Hikaru. I assume from your catatonic, deviant
chortles, you are celebrating the completion of your latest
assignment and are about present it to me. hmmm?"
Hikaru sat speechless, feeling like one of his
specimens up under the microscope. Professor Hano spotted a
small piece of paper lying next to the glass and picked it
up, reading over the writing on it.
"Oh, I see this is not the case," he continued setting
the paper back down. Hano's penetrating glare looked down
on him again. "At it again, Gosunkugi?"
Hikaru swallowed the fear lump in his throat, nodding
slightly.
"Hikaru, Hikaru, Hikaru," said Hano, shaking his head
as he placed a firm hand on one shoulder. "I am sorry you
have such a vendetta against Ranma, and this thing for that
young lady. However; I and this class will not be your
instrument of destruction."
"I'm not trying to destroy anyone, Professor," said
Hikaru.
"Oh?" Hano's eyes cut over to the glass. "Then what
is that?"
Hikaru's deviant grin returned. "That is a
neutralizer."
"A what?"
"A neutralizer. or an equalizer depending on how one
looks at it."
Hano stared at the boy for a moment. "What is it
supposed to do, may I ask?"
"It's supposed to weaken the neural and respiratory
systems, and relax muscular responses."
"And what are the ingredients?"
"Uh, the derivative juices of the Cannabis plant, a
strong dose of Conium Maculatum, and just a teensy-weensy
dose of tubocurarine."
Again, the long look from the Professor set Hikaru
slightly back. Hano shook his head to clear his mind and
get back on track.
"Let me get this straight, Hikaru. You have combined
Marijuana extract, Hemlock, and Curare into what appears to
be just an ordinary glass of water?"
"Eh. yeah?"
Hano cut his eyes down at the glass. "Curare, Hikaru?"
"Just a teensy-weensy bit."
"How much of a teensy-weensy bit?"
"Ah `bout. oh. twenty-five percent?"
"Dump it, Hikaru," Hano said firmly.
Gosunkugi frowned, staring sadly down at his latest
creation. "Gee, do I have to, Professor? I took great
pains to get it looking just right."
"There's enough curare in that glass to kill three wild
horses!"
Gosunkugi looked excitedly up at Hano. "Exactly," he
said brightly, snapping his fingers seconds before realizing
his mistake. Hikaru leaned forward beating his forehead
with his fist cursing himself.
"Hikaru," called Hano, drawing him back around. The
Professor rolled his eyes briefly up to the ceiling before
continuing.
"Listen, although I give you an `A' for your
creativity, I cannot allow you to continue concocting these
harmful substances designed to kill Saotome."
"Well he keeps breaking my hammers and stakes, and
that's getting quite expensive you know."
Hano hung his head, muttering for a moment. "Hikaru.
You are better off concentrating on your current project
than seeking vengeance against Ranma."
Gosunkugi picked up the glass and held it up to the
light. A shame, he thought shrugging lightly. With a deep
sigh, he looked around for the nearest deep sink to dispose
of the liquid.
"Guess you're right, Professor," he said. "Not that
I'm running out of time since I'm already down with my
project."
"What?" said Hano.
"I'm done. Finished. Kaput."
"Already? But I only assigned it to the class two days
ago!"
"And I had most of it done that evening." Hikaru gave
Hano a wry look. "You didn't think such a simple challenge
like that would slow me up. (BWHAHA!) No way, Professor."
Hikaru started to rise, but Professor Hano held him
back. "Where is it?" he asked.
"It's down in the culturing room. Should be just about
completing final molting?"
"Molting? Let's go see what you've created, Hikaru."
"What about this?" replied Gosunkugi, pointing at the
glass in his hand.
"Cover it and let's go. It will keep."
Hikaru shrugged and set the glass back down, covering
the top with the paper on the counter top. "Don't see what
the big deal is. It doesn't have teeth if that's what
you're worried about."
"Please, Hikaru."
"Okay, okay."
Hikaru lead an exasperated Professor Hano out the lab
unawares of the mistake that he had just committed on the
table behind him.

* * * * *

Ranma entered the chemistry classroom searching for
Gosunkugi, but oddly there was no one around. Strange, even
though there still were a few minutes before break was over,
Hikaru could always be found here tinkering and toying
around with something or other.
He went over to Hikaru's spot and drew up a stool
waiting for him to arrive. Casually, Ranma looked over the
myriad of test tubes and burners arrayed along the center
counter coming to a stop on a glass and the note covering
the top. There appeared to be some writing on it and he
picked it up.
`For Ranma' was all it said.
Ranma smirked looking into the glass. It appeared to
be water and he smacked his lips, looking around again.
"Gee, how Gos know I'd be thirsty," wondered Ranma.
With a cheerful smile, Ranma picked up the glass.

* * * * *

Gosunkugi stormed back into the chemistry lab fuming at
his latest setback. "I can't believe the Professor actually
made destroy it," he fumed. "So my creation had a small
taste for metals. That's no reason to get rid of a
perfectly good living enzyme."
He came around the corner, stopping abruptly noting
Ranma sitting at his spot. He was quiet; head tipped
slightly forward, an odd grin creasing his lips. Hikaru
stared at him, a feeling of foreboding dread suddenly
filling his chest. His eyes cut from side to side, leaning
one way then another studying Ranma's immobile posture.
Slowly, Hikaru inched up next to him. "Ranma?" he
nervously called, but there was no response. Gosunkugi
stepped slightly back, and then timidly prodded Ranma on the
shoulder. Still nothing, Hikaru swatted him hard against
the side of the head.
That should have brought on at least an angry sneer,
but the unsettling grin remained on Ranma's face. It was
time to regroup and survey the situation again. Hikaru
spotted the glass that had once held his deadly concoction,
now empty, and then saw the note lying next to it. He
paused as his normally quick mind pieced things ever so
slowly together dreading the obvious outcome his common
sense had already arrived at.
A sharp gasp, Gosunkugi clasping his hands fearfully to
his mouth in stunned realization.
"Heeesss deeeaadddd!" trailed Hikaru.
Mixed emotions filled the budding mad-scientist. In
one hand, his arch love rival was finally forever gone
leaving the fair and innocent Akane ripe for the taking, but
in the other hand there was the fact that he had killed
Ranma and what the dear and ferocious Akane would do to him
when she found out.
"Oh this is not good," he said. "No, no, no, no, no!
Professor Hano will surely fail him for this. eah, maybe
not. He might just award me a scholarship and-."
Hikaru slapped himself in the face, drawing him back to
reality. "What am I saying? I'm going to jail!"
Okay, a plan was needed. First thing would be to hide
the body for a while long enough for him to come up with
some kind of way to sneak Ranma out before anyone discovers
his change of attitude.
"Change of attitude," groaned Hikaru, rolling his eyes.
Gosunkugi glanced up at the clock. Break was just
about over leaving him not much time. Best get Ranma tucked
away, then try and find some help. He grimaced, knowing
that the only help he would find was the one person who
might just kill him as well.
No way around it, Hikaru taking hold of Ranma's shirt.
"Come on, Ranma," he said as he pulled the still warm body
from the stool. Not the strongest of people, Ranma's body
felt like a ton to Hikaru. He groaned sinking steadily to
his knees beneath the weight.
"Even dead, you still give me problems!" gasped Hikaru.
Drawing in a breath, Gosunkugi managed to lift Ranma up
over one shoulder, staggering back and forth to the door.

* * * * *

The class bell rang signaling it was time for the next
period to begin. Akane Tendo pulled her books from her
locker and made a quick check of her notes before heading
off to class. She was barely down the hall when a frantic
call from behind brought her to a stop.
Akane turned and found Hikaru Gosunkugi rapidly making
his way through the students towards her. She smirked not
wishing to go through another of his tirades again, but
thought better of it and waited to hear what new antics the
love struck underclassman had for her today.
Much to her surprise, Gosunkugi said nothing when he
reached her. Even more startling was the way he literally
jerked her from the floor as he pulled Akane along behind
him.
"Gosunkugi, what are you doing? Where are you taking
me!" she cried as they wound though the halls.
Finally, he led her off to one of the lesser-used
classrooms. Akane stood fuming at him, her face turned down
in a dark scowl.
"Hikaru. I hope you have a very good explanation for
all of this," she snapped, fist creaking.
Gosunkugi glanced fearfully at her, opening the door.
"R-R-Ranma," he stammered, pointing inside.
Akane frowned looking in. The room was currently being
used as extra storage, desk and tables stacked around the
room. In a chair at the far corner she spotted Ranma
sitting quietly by himself.
"Ranma?" said Akane walking in. He did not move and
she walked closer. "Ranma, what's wrong? Did Gosunkugi do
something to you?"
"You have a trap door mind, Akane," said Hikaru as he
closed the door behind them.
She whirled around. "What's wrong with Ranma!" shouted
Akane.
Hikaru nervously fought to come up with the right words
to describe the situation. "Uh. well. you see, Akane. Uh,
uhm. Ranma's kind of. uh-."
"Kind of what, Hikaru!"
"He's, uh. kind of dead."
Akane drew in a breath, spinning around back to Ranma.
She stared at him, and then was quickly at his side.
"Ranma, Ranma?" repeated Akane, not believing what
Gosunkugi said. A few quick prods, a check for a heartbeat,
a look into glassy eyes proved him to be correct. The cry
issuing from her gained only a few decibels before Hikaru
clasped a hand across her mouth. After a few moments of
muffled moans and panting, Akane settled down looking back
him.
He moved his hand away and Akane asked who did it.
"Uh, would you believe it was me?" he replied.
Gosunkugi's feet left the floor along with much of his
body as Akane took the hapless boy by the collar, slamming
him up against the wall.
"What do mean you killed him! How can you kill him,
you can even manage to kill a fly yet alone Ranma! How did
you kill him, how did you kill him, how did you kill him!"
Akane finished shaking the life out of Hikaru. He
paused to allow his eyes to stop rattling around in their
sockets before answering.
"It was an accident," he said in a throttled voice.
Akane let him go. "An accident? Hikaru, he's smiling.
How did you kill him?"
"The, the smile I'm not sure about," replied Hikaru as
he pulled himself from the floor. "But I can say without a
doubt that Ranma drank one of my experiments."
"Experiment!" Akane stared at Ranma's inert form, lips
quivering. "He's Deeeaaaaaddddd!" she exclaimed, fountains
of tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Drowning us both is not going to help us," commented
Hikaru.
Akane snatched him up again, shaking Gosunkugi like a
rag doll. "Bring him back! You bring him back now!" she
wailed.
"I can't, I can't, Akane!"
She dropped him, going to her knees sobbing into
Ranma's chest.
"Ranma! Ranma, wake up! You can't leave me like
thiiisss! Who am I going to have to argue with, huh?"
"You can argue with me," said Hikaru.
"I don't want to argue with you! I want to argue with
Ranma!"
"But he's dead."
"I knoooowww!"
Hikaru watched Akane sob into Ranma for a moment.
Suddenly she shot to her feet, peering angrily down at him.
"You're going to jail!" she said, pointing a menacing
finger at him.
"No!" exclaimed Hikaru. He rose up on his knees,
pleading to Akane with hands clasped tightly together.
"Akane, it was an accident, I swear!"
"Then why did you make it in the first place?"
"Well, I was going to give it to him."
"SEE! You tried to kill him!"
"No! I was going to pour it out, but I got side
tracked!" Hikaru began to cry joining in with Akane. "It
was an accident I swear. Please don't turn me in!"
Akane stared down at the crying Gosunkugi. She sobbed,
looking over at Ranma again. "Ranma," she moaned, and then
looked back down at Hikaru. "He's deeeeaaaaaddddd!"
"I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry!"
Akane's sobs diminished, turning into light whimpers.
She placed a hand to her face, thinking a second. "W-we
have to g-get his body off s-school grounds first."
"So you'll help me?" said Hikaru, jumping to his feet.
"And I don't know why I am either!" snapped Akane. She
paused glancing back over at Ranma, letting out a short
bawl.
"He's heavy, you know," said Gosunkugi.
Akane went to the door. "I'm going to get us some
help," she said.
"You're going to bring more people into this?"
"You don't expect me to carry him alone by myself do
you?"
"Well I'll help."
"Yeah, that will be something to see walking down the
hallways. Stay put, I'll be back."
"But Akane-."
"You want my help?"
Hikaru went silent.
Akane glanced over at Ranma one last time letting out a
blubber as she went to go and find them some help.

* * * * *

Ukyo Kuonji smirked at the cookbook lying on the table
next to her, wondering why it was mandatory for her to be
there in the first place. Sheesh! You'd think these
teachers would pass her already, knowing full well that she
ran a very successful restaurant downtown.
"It will hone your skills," Ukyo muttered derisively as
she poured another cup full of water into her wok. The
teacher was commenting about something of no interest to her
as she started to filet a piece of fresh carp.
PSSITT!
Ukyo stopped and looked up. She cut her eyes over at
the student working the grill beside her and frowned.
"Really," she said with a smirk.
PPPSSSSSSITTT!
Well it's not coming from her, she thought. Slowly,
Ukyo looked around finding Akane standing in the doorway.
"Ukyo," she whispered, beckoning her over.
"I'm in class, Akane. Wait until it's over," Ukyo
whispered back.
Akane stomped an angry foot on the floor, lips pressed
tightly together. "Ukyo," she whispered again with much
more urgency.
"Akane, go away! I'm not-."
"Miss Kuonji," called the teacher.
Ukyo looked sharply around. "Yes, sensei?"
"Is my lecture boring you?"
"Uh, no maam." She shot Akane an angry glare. "One of
my `friends' is at the door needing something from me."
"Really. Well you're not tossing spatulas around so it
cannot be Kurenai. Interrupting a class. must be a Tendo."
Akane came around the corner mouth agape. Quickly,
Ukyo placed the palm of a hand on her forehead forcing the
girl back out.
"Uh, may I be excused?" she asked.
"Yes, I'm sure this will not go away anytime soon."
"Thank you, sensei."
"No problem. You can make it up this weekend."
A sharp snatch removed the apron from around Ukyo's
waist, pulling Akane back out into the hall.
"You've just ruined one of my money days, Akane Tendo!"
she said. "This had better be worth my trouble!"
"Did you hear her?" Akane said still fuming from the
sarcastic remark. "What does being a Tendo have to do with
anything?"
Ukyo placed a hand over her mouth regaining her
attention.
"Okay, I'm here. What do you want?"
The hand came down.
"Oh. bbbbBBBWWWWAAAAAHHHHH-MURPH!"
The hand came back up cutting off the cry.
Glancing from side to side, Ukyo paused a minute. "Hm,
that's the Tendo warning alarm meaning something bad has
happened. Let me guess. It involves Ranma."
Akane nodded.
Another short pause; Ukyo reviewed several past
scenarios in her mind.
"Cologne has given him some kind of strange nerve pinch
and he's now her obedient slave?"
Akane shook her head.
"Okay. Principle Kuno has cornered him and is about to
shave him bald?"
Akane giggled.
"Stop it, that wasn't supposed to be funny!"
She did, shaking her head again.
"Hmm. He's gone and run off to marry Shampoo?"
Akane's brows furrowed together.
"Knew that would get a rise out of you."
The slight shake of her head told Ukyo that too was not
the case.
"Okay, I give up. What's happened?"
She stepped back allowing Akane to speak again.
Akane took in a few breaths, whimpering slightly as she
fought to speak. "He.. Heeessss ddddeaaaadddd!" she wailed,
sobbing uncontrollably into her hands.
There came no immediate reaction from Ukyo, now still
as the wall behind Akane. She tugged on one ear, cupping a
hand behind it and leaned towards her.
"Say that again?"
"Ran-Ran-Ran-Rannnmmaaaa-sss-sss-deeeeaaaaadddd!"
"A-huh," replied Ukyo. She thought, and then smirked.
"How?"
"Poisooonnnn!"
"A-huh. Who?"
"Gosunkugiiiii."
"A-huh. And where is Ranma now?"
"Intheclassroomdownstaiiiirrsssss!"
"Right."
Ukyo blinked her eyes still not fully comprehending
what Akane had just told her. Finally, she took hold of
Akane by the shoulders.
"Show me," was all she said.
Akane, still huffing and blubbering, nodded leading
Ukyo down the hallway.

* * * * *

Minutes later the two women were standing in front of
Ranma's inert body. While Akane wept, Ukyo just stared at
him, several times rubbing her eyes in disbelief. She
abruptly looked up at Gosunkugi making him flinch, walking
around to him. Silently, Ukyo looked Hikaru over, reaching
out to give his bicep a firm squeeze.
Ow, Ooo, ow, ow, that hurts!" he cried, shirking back.
Ukyo whirled around. "No way, Akane!" she shouted.
"There is no way this Gosunkugi could have killed Ranma.
You did it!"
"What!" exclaimed Akane. "(Pfpth!). Wha. what. why
would I do anything like that to him?"
"You two were probably having another one of your
little spats, and he said or did something you'd didn't
like!"
"But he was poisoned!"
"See! You fed him one of your meals and killed him!"
"I did not!"
"No, Ranma drank my experiment, Ukyo," Hikaru cut in.
Ukyo shot him a look and dropped to her knees next to
Ranma. She stared up into his face, gasping lightly.
"Ranma, Ranma what are you doing? You can't die on us.
W-What are you doing?"
"Right now, not about much other than decomposing,"
answered Gosunkugi.
He and Akane blurred together as one, Akane shaking
Hikaru furiously by his collar.
"You bring him back, you bring him back!" she chanted
as she throttled him.
Ukyo forced them apart arms spread wide interposing
herself between the two. She gave Akane a vicious snarl
making her cringe, and then glared at Hikaru and he doubled
over covering his head with his arms.
"Okay! We're all a little bit unnerved here!" she
said. "Lets take a few deep breaths and regain our
composure."
"I don't wanna breath!" snapped Akane.
"Breath!" snarled Ukyo.
Akane took in a few breaths. "Hikaru," called Ukyo,
hearing him gasp a few times.
Things grew quiet again.
"Now lets all smile," continued Ukyo. "Akane."
Akane forced a grin.
"Good. Hikaru."
Gosunkugi uncurled, a tight smirk on his face.
"Excellent. Ranma-."
Ranma's placid grin brought a cry from Ukyo.
"Oh, I just can't believe I just asked a dead man to
smile!" she shouted dropping to her knees again.
"He is dead, isn't heeee," bawled Akane.
The two women sobbed in unison, hugging Ranma as they
did. Ukyo drew back looking at Akane.
"So, so, so what did you want me for, Akaneeee?"
"(sniff, sniff) I-I-I wanted you to help, help, help me
sneak Ranma off campussss!"
Ukyo shot to her feet. "What?" she cried.
"Yes, we have to get him off the campus before anyone
finds out I killed him," said Hikaru.
It was Ukyo's turn to throttle Hikaru, Akane
frantically prying her off him.
"Ukyo, we've got to get Ranma off campus!" she said.
"Why? Gosunkugi killed him, or so you say, and now you
want to hide the evidence?"
"It was an accident I swear!" cried Hikaru.
Akane spun Ukyo around. "Look, Ukyo. As much as I
hate to admit it, I believe Hikaru's story."
"So then lets just go and tell the teachers what
happened and that will be that!"
"Do you think they're going to believe him knowing full
well how many times he's tried to get Ranma before?"
They stared at each other, Ukyo thinking hard as she
turned facing Gosunkugi again. He grinned a helpless
pleading grin and she shook her head.
"Yeah, I guess we really can't send an innocent madman
like you to prison."
"I would prefer up and coming genius, Ukyo."
Her sharp penetrating glare staggered him.
"As I wasn't saying, we are still going to have a hard
time carrying Ranma off the campus."
"It should not be too hard carrying him off," said
Akane.
Ukyo let out a laugh. "You see these two pogs," she
said kneeling down at Ranma's feet. A short lift by the
ankles, both of them hitting the floor with a heavy thump.
"Nothing but warm lumps of inert flesh now. You and I will
have a hard time carrying him between us."
"What about me?" asked Hikaru.
"You don't count. Akane, Ranma is dead weight plain
and simple. Plus you're also forgetting the fact that we've
got to carry him all the way back to your home."
"So what are we going to do?"
"We could chop him up into smaller pieces and carry him
out in bags," suggested Hikaru.
The girls paused speechless, giving him dark stares.
Gosunkugi shrugged. "Well, they do it in the movies."
"You've been watching `Johnny Brasco' haven't you?"
asked Ukyo.
"Excellent movie. I watched it ten-."
"Forgetaboutit! We're going to need more help, Akane."
"Ukyo, we don't need more people to know about this!"
"So you know somebody that can cover this all up for
us, hm?"
"No," Akane timidly replied.
Hikaru's mouth opened, a move Ukyo did not miss. She
held up a threatening finger cutting him off.
"We're doing this for you, Hikaru. So unless you have
good connections, not a word!" she said.
The mention of connections triggered alarms in Ukyo's
brain. Smiling, she stood up as the one person in the
entire school with the means and capabilities they needed
came to her mind.
"Stay here," she told them, heading for the door.
"Who are going to get?" asked Akane.
"A close friend."
Akane scratched the back of her head silently repeating
the words.
"Hurry back, Ukyo," called Gosunkugi. "Rigor mortis
should start setting in soon. Going to make moving Ranma's
body around very difficult."
Akane started charging towards him, but Ukyo's call
stopped her scant inches from latching on to Hikaru's
collar.
"We don't need two bodies," she told Akane.
Glancing back at Ranma, Ukyo let out a sorrowful moan
as she walked out.

* * * * *

A swift dash up to the forth floor, Ukyo skidded to a
stop in front of the Advanced Economics Business class
currently in session. She inched the door open and peered
through the crack. All the students were quietly reading
from their books, the teacher pacing the aisles. In one of
the middle rows sat Nabiki Tendo, casually flipping a page
bored to death. Behind her to the right sat Tatewaki Kuno,
and she could not think of anything so perfect as this.
The first problem lay in gaining Nabiki's attention.
After that things would run by themselves. Ukyo pondered a
second and then reached into her shirt, drawing out her
wallet. She pulled a 5 Yen bill out and held it up, blowing
air lightly while fanning it up and down.
Instantly, Nabiki's head snapped up, her nose picking
up the unique scent of monetary denominations. A few light
sniffs, her head panning around towards the door. Ukyo
cracked it further and waved franticly at her to come out.
Me? Questioned Nabiki silently. Ukyo nodded then
pointed in Tatewaki's direction. She looked back and then
gave her an okay.
"Uh, Sensei," said Nabiki.
"Yes, Ms. Tendo?"
"Uh, can Tatewaki and I be excused for the rest of this
class? It's getting close to noon and we've got to go and
check the NYSE tickers before the new rounds of trading
begin."
"Why sure, Ms. Tendo. And please check on my
investments if you would."
"Will do. Come on, Tatewaki."
Tatewaki stared at her lost, but got up following
Nabiki out the classroom. Once outside, Ukyo grabbed them
both by the wrist, pulling them away down the hall.
Halfway, she stopped and turned.
"Listen, we've got a problem," she told them.
"Oh?" answered Tatewaki. "Have our stocks fared
badly?"
Nabiki swatted him on the side of his shoulder. "I
made that up, Kuno-baby. Besides, we won't get results
until six."
"You know I thought that when we usually-."
"Alright!" growled Ukyo. They went silent. "Sheeesh!
This has nothing to do with finances. Its more serious then
that."
"Nothing can be more serious than monetary gain and
wealth, Ukyo," replied Nabiki.
"It is when there's a life, or lack of, at stake."
That stunned the two, trading puzzled looks.
"So who died?" asked Nabiki half-jokingly.
"Ooo, you are good, Nabiki Tendo. Uh. I think it best
that I show you first. This way."

* * * * *

Hey, this is kind of neat.

* * * * *

The trio rounded the stairs coming out on the second
floor. Ukyo led the way, ominously silent while Nabiki and
Tatewaki questioned her trying to pry out the big secret.
"It's a surprise party, isn't it?" said Tatewaki.
"Probably too honor my greatness and achievements as Leading
Upperclassman."
"I don't think you'll be finding any honor in this,"
said Ukyo.
"Come on, Ukyo. The suspense is killing me!" exclaimed
Nabiki.
Ukyo nervously laughed at her remark.
Suddenly from the far end a strong gust of wind hit
them. They covered their faces as a flurry of black petals
filled the hall, and as quickly as it began the air went
calm. Kodachi Kuno stood before them clad in black and
purple gym tights, a small bundle in one hand.
"Kodachi!" cried Tatewaki. "What are you doing here
annoying us?"
Kodachi arched a brow. She removed the headset from
her ears, shutting off the Walkman belted around her waist.
"Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. I came searching for my loved one,
Ranma, but I am told that he was not in class at the
moment."
"So why bother us?" asked Nabiki.
"After further inquiries-."
"You assaulted our teachers?" said Tatewaki.
"Questioned, dear brother, questioned."
Ukyo placed her hands to the sides of her head. "No,
no. This is not happening," she muttered.
"As I was saying, brother, I was informed that Ranma
was last seen with your minion, Hikaru Gosunkugi."
"Somebody saw him!" cried Ukyo.
"Ehmm. From the description, it appeared that Ranma
might have been sick, and that Hikaru was carrying him off
somewhere."
"Ranma is sick?" Nabiki turned to Ukyo. "Is this why
you dragged us out of class, Ukyo?"
"Uh. well."
"I was also informed that Gosunkugi returned and
literally carried that trollop sister of yours Akane away
too."
"So Saotome is sick, and me without my weapons," said
Tatewaki, clenching a fist before him. "And alone with my
fair Akane as well!"
"Don't worry, Kuno. I don't think Ranma's in any
condition to be taking advantage of her," said Ukyo."
Nabiki crossed her arms, giving Kuonji a hard stare.
"Ukyo, what's going on?"
"Uh, like I said, I gotta show you."
"Yes, take me to my dearest Ranma, so I may feed him
one of my delicious lunch specials," added Kodachi.
"Lunch?" questioned Tatewaki. "Knowing you, my
demented sister, it would be more of a last meal."
Ukyo giggled lightly. "No, ah, she's a bit behind in
that department there, Tatewaki."
"Ukyo," Nabiki said again.
"Okay. Follow me. You too, Kodachi. Might as well
get the entire class involved the way things are going."
Ukyo led them back to the vacant classroom. She opened
the door and abruptly stopped staring in shock. On the
floor, Akane knelt pinning Hikaru down an arm wrapped tight
around his neck. He struggled, straining with both arms out
holding two pairs of scissors in his hands snapping the
blades at Ranma's legs.
"You are not going to cut-him-up, Hikaru!" growled
Akane as she fought to keep him back.
"But, but, but, Akane. it will. solve. all of our.
problems!" replied Gosunkugi, increasing his struggles.
"Drop those scissors!" shouted Ukyo, breaking from her
stupor.
The utensils clattered to the floor, Akane jerking
Hikaru to his feet.
"You see what those damn American movies will do to a
persons mind," she said to them.
Realizing that Nabiki was there, Akane started slightly
with surprise.
"Ukyo, why did you bring Nabiki into this?" she asked.
"She, and Tatewaki, both have the means and connections
to help us get Ranma out of here and out of sight
permanently."
Nabiki shot Ukyo a look and walked over to Ranma's
inert form. She gazed down at him, leaning close into his
face for a moment.
"He doesn't look sick to me," she finally said. "What
do you think, Tatewaki?"
Tatewaki blinked. "I'm sorry, I was still trying to get
over the fact that Gosunkugi here got away with attacking
Saotome and survived."
"Oh that's nothing now that he's dead," Gosunkugi told
them nonchalantly.
"He's what?" muttered Tatewaki after a moment.
"He's dead."
"Hm, that's what I thought you said."
Nabiki gazed back down at Ranma again. She lifted one
arm, watching it drop stiffly down to his side.
"Oh, and that's the first signs of rigor mortis setting
in," Hikaru added.
Nabiki, as all of the blood drained from her face,
matched the pallid color of Ranma's skin. "GGGYYYAAAHHHH",
she let out, cringing away from him. Nabiki took several
haggard steps over to Ukyo, gripping her tightly by the
shoulders.
"R-R-R-Ranma is dead!" she declared.
"Oh? I thought he was just asleep," mocked Ukyo,
rolling her eyes.
Tatewaki came over giving Ranma a closer look. He
scratched his head, observing in deep thought then asked,
"Who did it, and how?"
"Guess I'll have to take credit for this," Hikaru
answered nervously.
"I see," Tatewaki replied. "Poison?"
"It was an accident, really it was!"
"Yes."
Tatewaki cut his eyes back down at Ranma, and them
walked over to Hikaru. "A fine takedown!" he exclaimed,
reaching into a pocket. Hikaru curled up expecting a weapon
but that was not the case.
BAMPH!
Several jaws sagged open in shock as Tatewaki held a
thick roll of money out to Gosunkugi.
"What is that for?" said Akane.
"Why it's the reward money for the bounty I placed on
Saotome's head," answered Tatewaki. "Sixty-thousand Yen to
be precise."
Hikaru stared at the roll a second before taking it.
His newfound wealth was short lived.
"Give me that!" shouted Nabiki, snatching the money out
of Hikaru's hand. Tucking it down the front of her shirt,
Nabiki glared angrily at Tatewaki.
"Wasting money like that," she muttered.
"It is a sound investment," said Tatewaki.
"Yeah, that's my money. Give it back," whined
Gosunkugi.
"I thought this was an accident," commented Akane,
bristling with anger.
"It was!"
Ukyo let out a cry. "Hold on a minute!" she shouted
quieting them all. Taking in a deep breath, Ukyo rubbed the
sides of her temples wondering how things had gotten this
far.
"Let's focus here," she continued. "Ranma is. dead.
and we need to get him off school grounds."
Nabiki curled her lip up loathing the thought of having
to carry a dead body around. "Why?" she asked.
Kuonji started to answer, but paused. "You know I
asked Akane the same thing, and I still don't really know."
"If they see Ranma's body and start asking questions,
Hikaru is going to be sent to prison," explained Akane.
Nabiki waited for more, but her sister was apparently
done. "And?" she said.
"You don't want him going to jail over an accident, do
you?"
They all turned and looked at Hikaru.
"Pitiful sight, eh?" said Ukyo.
"Gee, Hikaru. I hope you plan on buying plenty of soap-
on-a-rope," Nabiki said.
"It was an accident, I swear!" exclaimed Gosunkugi,
dropping to his knees.
"I just don't see how moving Ranma's body is going to
help?" Nabiki said to Akane.
"Don't you see? If somebody finds him this way,
they'll call the police!"
"Again, `And'?"
"I didn't mean to kill him!"
"So you left a glass of poison out for Ranma to drink.
why the hell are we doing this!" shouted Ukyo.
"Because I believe him," answered Akane. "As much as
it pains me that Ranma is dead. I believe him."
"Well there's your weak side showing, sis," said
Nabiki. "Me, Chujo-go Penitentiary, `mediatly."
"Nabiki!"
Nabiki shook her head, eyeing Hikaru again. "Hmm.
There is one thing we can do though."
"What's that?" asked Ukyo.
"Pick a new name for him. I don't think `Hikaru' is
going to fit his role in the pen."
"No!" moaned Gosunkugi lying prostrate on the floor.
Too their surprise, Tatewaki went over and help the
sobbing man up. "There, there, my good man," he told Hikaru
while brushing the dust from his clothes. "There is nothing
to worry about. The Kuno Clan will be more than happy to
relieve you of this burden."
"You will?" questioned Hikaru timidly.
"Why yes! I'll just take Saotome down to my personal
taxidermist and have him stuffed and mounted. He'll make a
fine addition to the-."
The heel of Akane's foot slammed down on Tatewaki's
sensing him hopping painfully around in pain.
"You are not mounting or, or stuffing Ranma, Tatewaki
Kuno!" she shouted. "He is not a trophy for you to show
off."
"No, he's just dead," whined Ukyo.
Akane spun around joining her in her tears.
"Stop it!" shouted Nabiki. "Ukyo, don't be getting her
started. The desk will be floating around this room before
you know it!"
"But Ranma's dead, and we're helping his killer!"
replied Ukyo.
"BWAHHHHH!" sobbed Akane.
As they continued to flood the room, Kodachi finally
moved from her silent vigil walking over to Ranma. The rest
of them watched as she began moving his head around, tipping
it from side to side, back and forth, lifting an arm
watching it sag slowly back down to his side.
She laughed deviously, turning around. "Can I have
him?" asked Kodachi.
Akane let out a huff, gesturing incredulously back and
forth between her and her brother. The others stood
bewildered by the question.
"And, uh, I know I'm going to regret asking this
question, but what are you going to do with him, hmm?" asked
Nabiki.
"Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Now that my beloved
Ranma can no longer run from me, I'll take him back to my
home and keep him in my room so I can look upon his handsome
features every day!"
Ukyo, Akane, and Nabiki shuddered in disgust imagining
how Ranma would look and smell after a few months.
"NO, he's mine, sister!" exclaimed Tatewaki. "I bought
and paid for him already!"
"No you didn't," said Hikaru. "Nabiki took my bounty,
remember?"
BAMPH!
"Here! Now you're paid off!" Tatewaki replied,
thrusting another roll of money into Gosunkugi's hands.
A sharp snatch, Nabiki furiously taking it away with
blinding speed. "Will you stop giving him my money!" she
said, pushing Hikaru closer towards Tatewaki.
"I want Saotome!" cried Tatewaki.
"He's mine!" countered Kodachi, wrapping her arms
around Ranma's head.
"He's nobodies!" shouted Ukyo. "Ranma's dead and you
two are fighting over nothing."
The Kuno siblings traded looks then Tatewaki stroked
his chin thoughtfully.
"Hm, you are right, Kuonji. I can compromise with my
dear sister."
"Really?" said Kodachi.
"Yes. I'll just take his head. She can have the rest."
Akane literally jumped between Tatewaki and Ranma
spreading her arms wide. "You're not taking anything off of
Ranma either, Tatewaki!"
"She's right, brother!" added Kodachi. "That's the
second most valuable part of him."
The rest of Akane's words stuck in her throat, body
starting sharply before coming around to face Kodachi.
"You are sick, Kodachi Kuno," she told her calmly.
"Very, very, very sick."
Kodachi only chuckled, hugging Ranma's head tighter to
her bosom.
"Uh, lets work on getting Ranma out of here before I
throw up," commented Ukyo.
"You're determined to do this, aren't you guys?" said
Nabiki. She glanced over at Hikaru and shrugged. "You must
be having a lucky day, Gos."
"Not in the finance department," he muttered under his
breath.
"So where to now?" asked Akane.
"Let's start by standing Ranma up," answered Nabiki.
Ukyo and Kodachi grabbed Ranma by each arm and pulled
him up. He legs briefly remained in the sitting position
before finally dropping.
"I think this is why they call them `Stiffs'," said
Kodachi.
Nabiki smirked. "Tatewaki," she called motioning for
him to come over. He did and she turned him around facing
the door. "Girls," she said waving Ukyo and Kodachi over.
They came up behind Tatewaki and Nabiki took Ranma's
left arm, forming his hand into a hook-like position and
draped it over Tatewaki's left shoulder. She did the same
to the right, stepping back to examine her work.
Tatewaki's eyes cut from side to side at the lukewarm
arms around him. "I suppose there is a reason why I've
become the pack mule for all of this?"
"Because you're the tallest, the strongest, and you
wanted him," answered Nabiki.
"Not on my back!"
She ignored him. "Okay, the rest of us will walk
closely around Tatewaki down the hall and out the building."
"Now?" said Akane. "The next bell should be ringing
here shortly."
The bell signaling the end of the current class went
off.
"Right on time," commented Ukyo.
"That's not a problem," continued Nabiki. "We'll wait
until the next class starts. There should be nobody around
to stop or see us."
"Why wait?" said Ukyo.
"Because we'll be seen?" countered Nabiki.
Ukyo shrugged. "Won't be anything they've not come to
expect. They'll think it normal and ignore us."
"Hmm. You might be right, Ukyo," said Nabiki. She
grabbed the doorknob. "Shall we?" she said to them.
Tatewaki hefted his shoulders adjusting Ranma into a
more comfortable position before heading out the door.
"Now if there was only some way we could get that smile
off his face," Akane said as she followed him along.
"Why? I think it's cute," said Kodachi.
"And like it is known, dear sister," replied Tatewaki,
"you have a very deep and disturbing problem."

* * * * *

Great flick. Wonder if there's any popcorn around.

* * * * *

True to Ukyo's word, not a soul bothered to question
the odd conglomerate walking down the halls. So used to the
oddities that befell Ranma and company, the students simply
shrugged it off as another unfortunate episode in the daily
lives of the Saotome/Tendo story. There were a few brief
questioning glances at Ranma and the way he hung draped
around Tatewaki's back, but it appeared he was enjoying
himself and that the leading upperclassman of Furinkan held
no objections to the arrangement.
Most of the students vacated the halls by the time the
group reached the next level. They were but moments away
from the main entrance when suddenly a blurred figure
appeared next to Ukyo.
POP!
"HI, Ukyo!" exclaimed the cross-dressing Tsubasa
Kurenai.
Ukyo literally went through the lockers in surprise.
"Tsubasa!" she shouted, quickly returning to her position.
"What do you want, and leave me alone!"
Kurenai's bottom lip quivered. "But, Ukyo. I thought
we could meet for lunch after class and-."
"No! Can't you see I'm busy?"
"Can we move on!" shouted Tatewaki.
Tsubasa leaned to the side looking around Ukyo at
Ranma. His brows furrowed and just like before he was blur
of motion.
POP!
Akane and Kodachi jumped back as Tsubasa stood looking
over Ranma. He scratched his head then shook his long locks
back, turning to face Ukyo again.
"He's dead," said Tsubasa, voice shifting down into his
male tone.
Nabiki pounced, placing a hand across his mouth as she
put him in a tight headlock. After a brief struggle,
Tsubasa finally settled down.
"Hush. Hush?" said Nabiki, and he slowly nodded. She
let him go and stepped back.
Tsubasa glanced around at the faces around him with
eyes full of surprise.
POP!
"AAAUGGGHH!"
"Ukyo, what's going on here?"
Ukyo lowered herself from the overhead light, snatching
Tsubasa up by the front of his dress.
"Will you stop that popping around stuff!" she snarled
at him.
"But Ranma is dead, and, and I don't think I quite like
what I'm thinking!"
"We know he's dead, Kurenai," said Nabiki. "That's why
we're taking him off campus."
Tsubasa's brows arched up. He relaxed and Ukyo
released him.
"So, uh, which one of you did it?" he asked nervously.
Gosunkugi raised a hand. "Uh, that would be me."
Tsubasa blinked and suddenly broke out laughing. "(Ha,
ha, ha) You?"
"Well I did."
Clearing the tears from his eyes, Tsubasa leaned up
against the wall to steady himself. He looked up; chuckling
briefly and then shook his head.
"Oh, oh, Gos, man! This is all too much, but nice try.
Okay, Akane. Why did you kill him?"
"I did not kill him! Hikaru did!"
The laughs died away, Tsubasa slowly realizing that she
was serious. He frowned, glancing at Ranma's frozen smile.
"Boy, Hikaru. Whatever you did it must have been good
to him."
Akane burst out in tears at his remark.
"Oh now look what you've done," Nabiki angrily said.
"She's flowing again."
"We're going to need a boat after this," commented
Kodachi; Akane punching her in the arm as her cries
increased.
"So I assume the police have been called?" asked
Tsubasa.
Dead silence followed, Tsubasa waiting expectantly for
someone to answer. When there came none, he raised a
thoughtful finger up into the air.
"Oh, this must be my queue to flee," said Kurenai,
preparing to exit the growing disaster.
"No you don't. Ukyo!" said Nabiki, and Kuonji pounced
putting Tsubasa back in a firm headlock.
"Let me go, Ukyo! I may love you, but I'm not going to
jail with you!" shouted Tsubasa, struggling to break free.
"Oh no you don't, Tsubasa," she said, increasing the
pressure. "You're now a witness, and that we can't be
having."
"Great," said Nabiki, throwing her hands hopelessly up
into the air. "Now add kidnapping to your charges, Hikaru."
"Me? You ordered the action, I'm just an innocent
bystander."
"Excuse me!" Tatewaki suddenly shouted. "Remember our
original problem growing heavy on my back!" he said pointing
over one shoulder.
"Oh yeah. We should be going," replied Nabiki.
"He's probably getting heavy because all of the fluids
in his body are going to his feet," added Hikaru.
Ukyo wrestled with Tsubasa like a cowboy wrestling down
a wild steer trying to keep him from escaping. "Ta'hell
with. nnngghhhaa. that! What do we do with him?"
"We'll just bring Tsubasa along," answered Nabiki.
"Right! Kicking and screaming all the way down the
street! What a sight that will be!"
"And I will too!" exclaimed Tsubasa, increasing his
struggles.
"We could just kill Tsubasa and make it easier for us
to handle him," suggested Gosunkugi.
He realized his mistake, holding out the front of his
shirt, Akane snatching him from the floor.
"You did kill him! You did kill Ranma on purpose!" she
shouted, shaking him around.
"Will you guys stop!" exclaimed Nabiki. "Sheesh! What
more could happen to us now?"
"Tahi-nee Bah-buls. by de shoore. Tahi-nee Bah-buls.
fo'evah mo."
Nabiki flinched sharply, placing her hands to her ears
against the sound warbling from around the corner ahead.
"Ow, what is that horrible screech?" she asked turning
around.
Everyone stopped as the singing continued.
"Tahi-nee Bah-buls. frahm da sea. Tahi-nee Bah-buls.
bring you back to me."
"Ooo, that's worse than your poetry, Tatewaki," said
Akane, smirking.
But he was not listening, staring fearfully at the far
end of the hall. Kodachi too stood aghast, and then
Tatewaki turned.
"Father!" they both said together.
Principle Kuno, the one thing they did not need right
now, Nabiki cursing their luck. His voice was getting
louder and it looked like their goose was about to be
cooked.
"What now?" asked Hikaru.
"Surrender and take your execution like a man!" replied
Tsubasa.
Ukyo gave him a sharp nuggie on the head. "Nabiki?"
she called desperately.
Nabiki could hear Principle Kuno opening and closing
doors. She looked over to their left and spotted one of the
study rooms. Quickly, she opened it up. The room was empty
and Nabiki waved the rest of the group over.
"No, no, nooo!" shouted Tsubasa fighting Ukyo's pull.
"I'm not going in there, I'm not going in there!"
A kick to the rear from Kodachi sent him along. Nabiki
stopped Akane and Tatewaki at the threshold of the door.
"You stay here, Kuno-baby," she said, pulling Ranma from his
back.
"Me! Why?"
"Because he's your father, and he checking rooms."
"So?"
She rolled her eyes. "Don't you get it? He'll check
this one, and then all hell will really break loose. At
least with you at the door he might pass us by."
"But!"
"Thanks, Kuno-baby. Grab an arm, Akane."
They dragged Ranma inside, Nabiki blowing Tatewaki a
kiss before closing the door in his face.
Tatewaki stared at it for a second, and then started
knocking.
"I, Tatewaki Kuno, demand you open this door! Do you
hear me? Open this door, Nabiki Tendo! A Fellow
Upperclassman has spoken! Open this-."
"Tahi-nee Bah-buls."
Tatewaki flinched, spinning around. Principle Kuno
appeared clad in his usual Hawaiian shirt and shorts,
singing brightly as he walked down the hall. It was to late
to run, Tatewaki shifting into a relaxed position leaning
against one arm.
"Tahi-nee Bah-buls. on Da Sea," sang Principle Kuno as
he walked past. He made but a few more steps then did a one
eighty, stopping close up in front of Tatewaki.
"'Eloo, Tah-chi. why you gahding dat door?" he sang.
Tatewaki shuddered from the point blank blast for a
second. His pains subsided, and he placed a cheery smile on
his face."
"Hello, Father. Uh, great weather we're having?"
"Yeesss, not bad for florescent lighting. So, ah, who
behind door numbah one?"
Tatewaki looked innocently skywards. "No one, Father.
Just a study room, that's all."
Principle Kuno chuckled. "You know, Tachi, I not
believe you?" he told him.
"Wha-, Father I am shocked you would not believe the
word of your only son!"
"I would, but I not scheduled dis room for use until
tree, so if you are using it, you not supposed to be."
"Hmm. Remarkable," said Tatewaki.
"What?"
"The Kuno Mind. Such an observant machine we possess.
Never missing a thing no matter how small or fleeting." A
sharp kick from the other side of the door staggered
Tatewaki. "But, uh, there's nothing behind this door to
trouble yourself with, I assure you, Father!" he quickly
added.
"Step ahside, Tachi," said Principle Kuno.
"Must I?"
"You want one good short buzzcut, Hm?"
"Allow me to open the door for you," answered Tatewaki.
He opened the door and Principle Kuno stepped inside.
There were four tables in the study room and seated
around one were the fugitives staring calmly at him. Ranma
sat immobile with Kodachi's headphones on, Akane next to him
grinning from ear to ear. Kodachi and Gosunkugi sat with a
book lying on the table between them, Tsubasa smiling with
one arm behind his back, Ukyo close at his side with eyes
wide. Nabiki stood next to the door shooting daggers of
death at Tatewaki as Principle Kuno walked further into the
room.
"Oh, if I not see guilty faces here, I not know what I
see," he said. "Why you not all in your regulah classes,
eh?"
"We're. cramming, Principle Kuno!" Akane answered.
"Crahming?"
"Yes, you know," said Nabiki, "last minute studying
before our exams."
"Oooh. And what you crahming for?"
"Necromancy," answered Hikaru.
Kodachi's painful kick to the shins doubled him over,
her arm pulling his head into her chest before he could cry
out.
"Hoo, hoo, hoo, such a kidder he is," she said,
smacking him in the face.
"Ah-ha. Kochi, what you doing here? You not student in
my school."
"Helping my friends, father. Especially my beloved
Ranma!"
Tatewaki and Nabiki both placed worried hands to their
foreheads, heads shaking slightly.
Principle Kuno's eyes drifted over to Ranma then over
at Tsubasa.
"Hey, girlie-boy, why you sitting in dat chair like
some Gumby Doll, eh?"
"I'm being held-." A slight twitch on his arm by Ukyo
brought Tsubasa's voice briefly up a few decibels. "I mean,
I've got a slight crick in my back and, and Ukyo here is
helping me reach it!"
"I see. Well, even though you not legahly using my
study room, I like seeing kids showing effort to learn.
Evan you, Saotome."
Ranma remained inert, smiling lifelessly at the far
wall. Principle Kuno leaned closer and the other began to
worry that the jig was up.
"I thought you say you all studying," Principle Kuno
asked them. "Why Saotome listening to music?"
"He's taking a break," Akane quickly said. "All that
studying has him pretty well wound tight."
"Stiff as a board really," added Tsubasa, letting out
another groan as Ukyo pulled further up on his arm.
"Yeah. He must be really enjoying his music. Look at
dat smile on his face."
Akane huffed and stuttered, hanging her head to muffle
her sobs.
"Gesundheit," said Tatewaki.
Principle Kuno leaned closer to Ranma, trying to hear
some of the music. "Eh, Saotome. Let me hear what you
listening too," he said, tapping him on the shoulder.
Ranma's head slumped towards him; Nabiki sharply
drawing in a gasp, and Principle Kuno pulled the headphones
from Ranma's ears. He barely got them off when he caught
the ragged strains of electric guitars and loud screaming,
shirking away.
"Oi! Take de's back!" he said. Akane reached up and
put the headphones back on Ranma's ears.
"Music? What he listening to anyway?"
"The latest from Skinny Puppy," answered Kodachi.
"'Trapped In Heaven'. It's going to be a classic you know."
Principle Kuno smirked. "Skinny Pahpy. noise like dat
melt your brain. Kill ah person it will."
Akane cupped her hands to her face, shoulders heaving
repeatedly.
"Gesundheit," Tatewaki said to her again.
"Well you kids cahn stay and finish studying, but next
time ask me if you need a room, okay."
"Oh sure, sure!" they all replied cheerfully.
"Later," said Principle Kuno as he walked out.
Immediately Akane grabbed the headphones, fussing with
the cord as she pulled them off.
"Oh, and Saotome," called the Principle, sending her
scrambling to put them back on seconds before he returned.
Principle Kuno stopped in front of Ranma again. "Say,
Saotome, a word of advice. Get some sun. You look dead."
Akane cried into her arms, head hung low.
"Bless you," said Principle Kuno. "Get dat checked
out, Miss Tendo, okay?"
She nodded and Principle Kuno walked back out.
Everyone waited, Tatewaki watching his father walk down the
hall. A signal from him had Akane and Ukyo scrambling to
remove the headphones from Ranma's ears.
"You weren't supposed to be playing that garbage!"
scowled Ukyo at Kodachi.
"Well I thought Ranma would enjoy listening to New
Wave," she replied.
Tatewaki shut the door and joined them. "Well I'll
tell you this. If Ranma wasn't dead then, he is now after
hearing that," he said.
"Did you see how Ranma's head turned around," said
Nabiki. "Hikaru, are you sure he's dead?"
"Quite sure."
Akane reached across the table throttling the boy.
"Akane, Akane let him go!" shouted Ukyo, pulling her
back.
She released Hikaru, glaring at him, and then was back
across the table to continue her assault. As Ukyo and
Kodachi pried her away from Gosunkugi, Nabiki knelt down
before Ranma and looked him over. She took hold of one
wrist and tried to pull up, but the arm resisted the motion.
"Uh-oh. Ranma's really getting stiff now," she said,
standing back up.
"That will make carrying him now almost impossible,"
said Tatewaki.
"We're going to have to put him into some sort of
position where he won't be to difficult to move around.
"Might I suggest curling him up in a ball," Tsubasa
said.
"A ball?" replied Ukyo.
"Yeah. Then we can just bounce him down the sidewalk
and out into one of the dumpsters. You know, two points."
"Ranma is not a basketball!" shouted Akane.
"He won't feel it," replied Tsubasa. "He's dead."
"BWAAHHHH!"
Ukyo slapped Tsubasa repeatedly across the face.
"Idiot! See what you've done?"
"Somebody better get a mop," commented Tatewaki.
"Alright!" exclaimed Nabiki. Letting out a huff, she
looked back down at Ranma. "Let's put Ranma in a standing
position. Then we can all carry him outside."
"But you said he's getting stiffer," said Akane.
"It will take a little effort, kay? Now come on lets
do this before we have anymore trouble."
They gathered around him. Nabiki told Tatewaki to
stand behind Ranma and lift him up. He did, but Ranma
remained locked in his seated position.
"Hm, looks like redwood to me," said Tsubasa.
Nabiki paused. "Here, let me push one of his. legs
here like. maybe down this way."
She placed her hands on his right knee and pushed down.
KRRRIIICCKKK!
Nabiki grimaced, carefully drawing away from Ranma.
"Nope, that sounded like splintering bamboo," Tsubasa
said.
"Will you shut up and help us think a way out of this!"
Ukyo shouted at him.
Ranma's leg rose eerily back up into its original
position sending a shudder though them all.
"Rubber tree. Definitely a rubber tree," finished
Tsubasa.
"Oh boy this is going to be harder than I thought,"
Nabiki said.
"Well I hope not. Saotome is getting heavy here," said
Tatewaki.
"Here I'll take one side," said Akane.
Nabiki placed her hands on Ranma's right knee again and
despite all the creaks and pops, forced it back down. Ukyo
forced the other leg down and an odd struggle began between
them and Ranma's legs.
"Greif! Even dead Ranma's got the strength of a bull,"
uttered Ukyo as she fought to hold the appendage down.
"We can still cut him up," suggested Hikaru.
"You're not cutting anything!" shouted Akane.
"Not until we get him to my taxidermist," said
Tatewaki.
"And you're not stuffing him either!"
Ranma's torso suddenly began to bend forwards, Tatewaki
letting out a fearful cry as he fought to hold Ranma erect.
"Wow, looks like his back muscles are starting to
contract," said Gosunkugi.
"This is not a science project!" Tatewaki said amidst
his grunts and strains. "Kodachi, Gosunkugi, find something
long and sturdy to place behind his back!"
"I still say ball him up," Tsubasa said again.
"Will you stop with that ball stuff and get over here
and help us!" Ukyo shouted back at him.
"I'm not touching that!"
"Don't make me have to come over there, Kurenai! Get
over here and grab his feet."
Tsubasa rolled his eyes and went over to help them.
"Here, brother," said Kodachi holding up one of the
table legs she broke off. "Will this work?"
"It might. Gosunkugi, yank down the cords to the
blinds."
Hikaru jerked on the cords, bringing the entire
construction crashing down to the floor. "Heh, heh, sorry,"
he said with a light shrug, pulling the rope out.
They tussled with the body, pulling and bending Ranma's
body around. It was in this position that the school
secretary found them in when she walked into the room.
Everyone froze; staring at her knowing that this meant more
trouble was earmarked their way. The secretary's terror
filled eyes took in the scene, the flutter of falling paper
marking her spot as she ran out screaming `murder' at the
top of her lungs down the hallway.
"Well now don't that just beat all," mocked Tsubasa.
"We're screwed," said Akane.
"Now what makes you say that, Akane, hm?" Nabiki
replied brightly.
They finished tying Ranma's limbs down, the table leg
bracing his back rendering him rigid and straight. Now the
only thing left was how to get him out. Calmly, Nabiki
closed the door and locked it.
"Well that finalizes things," she said to them.
"Finalizes what?" asked Akane.
"We're all committed now. Mrs. Sajika saw us all, and
any second now the police will be screaming down the
street."
"You must be daft, Nabiki," said Tatewaki. "She's
barely been gone two minutes. The police will not-."
The cry of a siren cut the air, Nabiki leering
haughtily at him.
"She's a professional secretary. Things happen faster
for them than us normal citizens," she said.
"No! I'm not a murderer!" shouted Tsubasa. "Let me
out of here!"
"And where are you going to go?" asked Ukyo, stopping
him in his tracks.
"Hoo, hoo, hoo, you've been seen with us, Kurenai
ol'boy," added Kodachi.
Tsubasa huffed, crossing his arms, dejected. "Damn it,
Gos. This is all your fault!"
"I didn't tell Ranma to drink my experiment."
"Let's argue about that later," continued Nabiki. "We
need to get out of here."
The din of voices could be heard from out in the hall
spurring them on. Ukyo went to the window and opened it up.
She stuck her head outside and peered around. The grounds
looked empty and the surrounding hedges would give them
enough cover to sneak away across the grounds.
"Let's go," she said climbing out.
Tatewaki and Gosunkugi hefted Ranma up onto the ledge
and Ukyo pulled him out.
"We're not going to get home without somebody asking
questions, Nabiki," said Akane as she hopped up onto the
sill.
"This wasn't my idea, little sister," she replied. "I
was hoping you would have some kind of a plan?"
"No."
"Should have figured you wouldn't," said Nabiki as she
pushed Akane out. "Why do I allow myself to get caught up
into these ticking traps of yours.?"

* * * * *

It was amazing how many police cars had appeared around
Furinkan High School. Several teams of cops roved around
the grounds, the school faculty joining in the search for
Ranma and his friends. Out of a group of bushes Ukyo pushed
her head up checking to see if anyone was in the immediate
vicinity.
"Well?" whispered Tatewaki.
She crouched back down. "What did they do? Put a neon
sign on the school flashing `Murder Here'?"
"Looks like a cops convention," commented Tsubasa. "We
are cooked! You hear me, coo-."
Nabiki placed a hand across his mouth. "We're not
cooked yet," she said to them.
"But Nabiki, how are we going to get across the grounds
without being seen?" asked Akane.
"All these cops can't know it was all of us in that
room!"
[Woo, woo. tehst, tehst, wan, too, tree,] called
Principle Kuno's voice over the schools announcing system.
[Dis is da'principle talk'n heh. Will da following kiekies
cahm to my office pronto like. Nahbiki Tendo-.]
"And he would name me first," Nabiki said in disbelief.
[Tachi, Kochi, Ahkane Tendo, Girly-Boy Kurenai, and
Ooukioh Kuonji."
Ukyo smacked Hikaru upside the head. "He didn't even
mention your name!" she scowled at him.
"I'm usually missed in a crowd."
"Try sharing some of that invisibility with us," said
Tatewaki.
[Oh, yah. And Saotome, you cahm too.]
Akane began to whimper lightly. "Ooo, they want to see
Ranma," she whined.
"Well they won't get much of a conversation from him,"
commented Kodachi. Tatewaki smirked, cuffing his sister on
the back of her head.
[Now lis'n up, kids. I give you one half of ten
minutes to cahm to my office. See you soon. Principal Kuno
out.]
"That's it. That's it!" said Tsubasa. "Let's go and
face facts. If were lucky, it will be only ten short years
out of our lives."
He started to rise, but Ukyo grabbed him by the collar
and jerked him back down.
"Nobodies surrendering, you here me?" she said.
Tsubasa peered down at the body beneath them. "We're
sitting on a stiff, hiding in the bushes, with cops just
waiting to make an arrest, and you say no surrender?"
Akane's sobs picked up. "He not a stiff," she cried.
"Akane, this bush doesn't need anymore watering," said
Nabiki.
"WellIcan'thelpiiiittt.waaahhh.Ranmaallblglibignandbab a
bgubaBBBWWWAAHHH!"
"What did she just say?" asked Tatewaki.
"Oh, she's broken into the family tongue," Nabiki told
them. "Hope you guys have your rain gear handy."
"Nabiki!" shouted Ukyo.
"Yes, our dilemma." Nabiki pressed her way up through
the protective canopy of the bushes and looked carefully
around. The coast was clear and she stepped out, the others
following.
"Okay, here's what we're going to do."
"Go inside and give up?" said Tsubasa hopefully. A
sharp kick to the rear silenced him.
"We'll heft Ranma's body over the wall. Tatewaki,
Gosunkugi, you guys climb over and wait for the rest of us."
"Where are we going?" asked Tsubasa.
Nabiki smiled confidently. "Out the front," she told
him.
"There are cops waiting for us there!" exclaimed Ukyo.
"No, they're all inside looking for us. Now we've not
much time. Kuno-baby, eh. Tsubasa, grab Ranma and throw him
over the wall."
Tatewaki grabbed one side of Ranma; Tsubasa grumbling
something about insanity under his breath as he grabbed the
other side.
"Nabiki," called Akane. "If they throw Ranma over,
won't that like, uh, break something?"
Nabiki cast a supportive look on her sister. "Akane,
my sweet little sister, let's face facts here. He's dead
and he won't feel a thing."
"BBBBBWWWAAAAHHHH!"
"She's worse than a rain cloud," commented Kodachi.
Tatewaki told Tsubasa to follow his lead. They built
up some momentum, and then on the count of three, tossed
Ranma's body up over the top of the wall.
BOP!
OW!
Both Ukyo and Akane pressed their fist to their mouths
in shock, Kodachi giggling deviously as she turned to a
stunned Nabiki.
"Not feel a thing, eh?" she said.
"But, but, but-."
"Hey, get off'a me whoever this is!" shouted a voice
from the other side.
"Wait a minute. I know that voice," said Akane.
"So do I," Tatewaki said. "Gosunkugi, come here."
Hikaru came over and he told him and Tsubasa to link
their hands together. The two frowned wondering what he had
in mind, but did as instructed. Tatewaki placed a foot in
their hands.
"Lift, you weaklings!" he ordered amidst their grunts
and groans.
Tatewaki grabbed the top and pull himself up. On the
sidewalk lay Ranma's body and flailing blindly underneath it
was Mousse. Shampoo sat on her delivery bike watching the
scene, not really sure if she should intervene or not.
"Ranma, why you play with silly Mousse like that?" she
said.
"Ranma?" cried Mousse. "Ooo, when I get up from here,
Ranma, I'm going to kill you!"
"Uh, that would be a waste of energy, Mousse," Tatewaki
said.
Shampoo looked up. "Kuno, what you doing up there?"
"I was, ah, helping Saotome climb the wall shall we
say."
"You say. Why Ranma climb wall? Stupid Akane chasing
Shampoo's husband again?"
"Nnnot exactly."
"Tatewaki," grunted Tsubasa, reminding him of their
situation.
"Oh, yes. Shampoo, will you do us a small favor and
watch Saotome until we get there, hm?"
Shampoo dismounted. She scratched her head, wondering
why Tatewaki Kuno was concerned about his bitter rival. "I
watch," she said, picking up Mousse's glasses form the
pavement.
"Thank you."
"Is strange, but Ranma look different. Like stiff
board of wood."
"Heh, heh, heh, heh. yes."
"Kuno-baby," called Nabiki impatiently.
"We'll be around shortly," Tatewaki said, dropping back
down behind the wall.
A few short minutes latter, the slowly growing band of
fugitives appeared, heated debates raging between them as
they drew closer.
".and he's not being cut up, embalmed, stuffed, or, or
anything other than given a proper funeral!" raged Akane.
"And you're going to stop all of us?" said Kodachi.
"He's bought and paid for," snarled Tatewaki.
"Uh, we have to talk about that paid stuff," said
Hikaru.
"Keep talking, Gosunkugi, keep talking!" shouted Ukyo.
They arrived to find Shampoo holding Ranma up in her
arms, hugging his head tight to her bosom. Mousse stood
glaring angrily down at them, fist flexing as his fury grew.
"Shampoo, will you get out of the way so I can smash
Ranma into grist!" he shouted.
"Feh!" snapped Shampoo, waving him off. "You not
capable of hurting Ranma, so go way and leave me with
husband."
"What is this `husband' stuff, hmm?" asked Kodachi.
Shampoo ignored her. "It all right, Ranma. Shampoo
keep you safe and warm." She looked up at them. "He very
cold, and heavier than I remember."
"There's a really good reason behind that," said
Nabiki.
Shampoo gazed down at Ranma's face, reflecting lovingly
upon his handsome features. "He still have nice smile.
Shampoo kiss."
"Ah! Shampoo, no!" cried Akane.
Shampoo giggled, lowering her head closer to Ranma's.
"Silly Akane jealous."
POP!
Scant inches from Ranma's lips, Shampoo paused cutting
her eyes over at Tsubasa crouching curiously next to her.
"What you want?"
"Nothing. Never seen anyone kiss a cadaver before.
Thought it might be interesting."
Shampoo blinked then looked back down at Ranma again.
She drew back, eyeing him noting the pale complexion of his
skin, the odd way his arms and legs had been secured
together. Carefully, Shampoo placed a palm to the side of
his cheek and let out a yelp feeling the calmness.
"Ah, aH, AH. OOOYYIIIII!" she cried. "RANMA DEAD!"
"Will you lower your voice!" said Nabiki.
Mousse knelt down in a flash, taking a closer look at
Ranma. He lifted his glasses, jaw dropping open in
disbelief.
"OH YES!" he exclaimed joyously. "YES, YES, YES, YES,
YES!"
"Mousse, keep it down!" said Ukyo.
But Mousse's heart was full of joy. He danced in the
street, proclaiming the news to the world. Nabiki rubbed
her forehead trying to dull the sudden headache she had.
"Oh, this is getting out of hand again. Should have
expected it," she muttered.
Mousse suddenly whirled around. "Who did it?" he
asked. "Tatewaki?"
"Unfortunately, no."
"No? Akane?"
Akane burst out into tears again.
"No, not her. Well who did it?"
Gosunkugi raised a timid hand. "I guess I should take
credit for this," he said.
Mousse stared at him for a moment. "Put'er there,
Gos!" he cried, extending a hand.
Shampoo shot to her feet. "Gosunkugi? Impossible!"
"Not impossible," replied Ukyo. "Ranma drank down one
of his experiments."
A dark glower covered Shampoo's face, and she started
walking towards him cracking her knuckles. "You kill
Ranma," she said.
Gosunkugi dropped to his knees. "I swear, I swear it
was an accident, Shampoo! I swear!"
"So you taking body away." She stopped, looking around
at the others. "Where you taking Ranma anyway?"
"My Home," said Akane.
"My Taxidermist," said Tatewaki.
"My Bedroom," said Kodachi.
Shampoo frowned. "Ranma dead and you-." She paused,
smirking at Kodachi for a second. "So Ranma is-." She
flinched, looking back at Kodachi once more. Kodachi let
out a light chuckle and Shampoo slowly drew away from her.
"Demented. Truly Demented," said Tatewaki.
"We're taking Ranma home to the dojo where I can give
him his last (gulp) rights," Akane said.
Shampoo looked sadly down at Ranma's lifeless body.
She sniffed, tears misting her eyes and then shook her head.
"No. I take him."
"Oh no not another one!" said Nabiki.
"I'm afraid that is not possible," Tatewaki told her.
"You see I've already bought and paid for Ranma's body. He
will adorn my trophy room along side my other various
conquest."
"You mean that undersized carp you landed last year at
the school beach outing?" asked Nabiki.
Tatewaki's eyes cut over at her. "It still was a
victory, and a fine one at that."
"No!" Shampoo suddenly shouted. "Ranma go to great
grandma and, and she preserve him for Shampoo."
"Mmm, pickled Ranma, what an addition to the Nekohatten
menu that will be," joked Tsubasa.
"That's a great idea!" cried Mousse. "Then every once
in a while I can go by and smack him around at leisure."
"You not smack nothing!" Shampoo said.
"Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, and you call me demented,"
said Kodachi.
In a flash Akane was up in Shampoo's face. "Ranma is
not going anywhere but back to the dojo, Shampoo!"
"No, he go with me!"
"I have to differ with both of you!" Tatewaki cut in.
"Saotome is mine, bought and paid for!"
"Uh, Upper-classman Kuno," called Gosunkugi.
BAMPH!
Tatewaki anticipated Hikaru's words, holding out yet
again another roll of money to him. Gosunkugi stared at it
then sighed realizing it would be useless to fight fate. He
took the roll, passing it smoothly along to a suddenly
appearing Nabiki standing next to him.
The heated argument increased in volume, being cut
short by a loud yell from Ukyo.
"HEY! If I can interrupt for a second here, we still
are in front of the school, remember? We need to be getting
this stiff, I mean Ranma, away from here before the cops
find us!"
"Oh? That's what all the sirens were for," said
Mousse. "We thought there was a fire or something."
[OH-KAY, HOLD'DIT RIGHT DEH!] called a loud voice from
behind them. Everyone flinched looking back up at the
school building. Principle Kuno and several police officers
peered out open windows of the upper floors at them.
"Jiggers, it's the Gestapo!" Nabiki said.
Principle Kuno said something to the police and raised
the bullhorn in his hand up again. [YOU NO CAN EH'SCAPE ME,
KEIKEIS. I DA'PRINCIPLE. NOW COME BACK INSIDE, WE WANT ONE
TALK WIT YOU ALL!]
"Be right there!" called Tsubasa. Ukyo caught him up
by the back of the collar, dragging him along down the
street.
"Kuno, help me pick him up," said Mousse, reaching down
to grab Ranma by his ankles.
"Why you helping them?" asked Shampoo.
"Are you kidding? And pass up an opportunity to see
the final end of Ranma? I just wish I had a video camera."
"There are plenty at the Kuno estate." Tatewaki told
him.
"We're there!"
"We're not there!" shouted Akane. "We're going back to
my home, and that's that!"
"Wherever the hell we're going, let's get moving before
the cops get down here," added Ukyo.
[EH! STOP! YOU NOY HEAR ME? WHERE YOU GOING?]
Hikaru spun around. "I think we're going too-." The
rest of his words were muffed by Kodachi's hand as she
quickly silenced him.
"You are worse than an idiot," she grumbled as they ran
to catch up with the others.

* * * * *

An exhausting sprint found the fugitives pausing to
catch their breaths in a narrow side street. As they
rested, the howl of sirens filled the air. Nabiki peered
around the corner searching the area then stepped back.
"How did we get in such a mess?" she said to the
others.
"By listening to Akane," replied Ukyo.
"Hikaru does not deserve to go to prison because of a
small mistake like this," Akane replied.
Tsubasa gaped at her. "He's dead," he said. "And if
I'm not mistaken, murder's a crime here in Japan!"
"It will not mater once my darling is safe and sound in
my room," commented Kodachi.
"He come with me!" shouted Shampoo.
"Okay, okay, hold on," said Nabiki. She spread her
arms wide to separate the two. "We'll worry about that once
we get Ranma to our dojo."
Mousse, leering happily down at Ranma's inert body,
suddenly looked over. "Akane, after you read him his last
rites, what then?"
Akane nibbled nervously on her bottom lip. She gazed
sadly down upon Ranma, the threatening hint of tears
shimmering in her eyes.
"Well. after the ceremony, we'll have to burn the
body."
Mousse was kneeling at her feet, one hand held tight in
his. "Please, Akane," he said in his humblest voice,
"Please, please allow me to conduct such an honor. Oh,
please."
"Burn?" said Tatewaki. "Do I have to reiterate the
fact that I now own Ranma!"
"He needs a decent funeral, and since I am his. wife. I
should be the one to light his fire."
"What you mean you his wife?" exclaimed Shampoo. "I
not know of any ceremony, and I Ranma's wife!"
"Both of you are wrong!" Kodachi cut in. "I am the
rightful wife to my beloved Ranma! Therefore I should be
the one who gets finial possession of him!"
Ukyo, not believing what she was hearing, broke into
the conversation. "Ranma never married any of you bitches!
If anyone gets him, its me because I've known him the
longest!"
"Who you calling bitch!" shouted Shampoo.
"You, you, and you!"
Tsubasa nudge Hikaru lightly on the arm. "Hey, I'm
kind'a glad you guys did bring me along. This looks like a
good fight brewing here."
"Its all my fault. Akane is about to be hurt by these
women, and I'm unable to stop them. I should have chopped
Ranma up first."
The four angry women paused, turning slowly around to
glare at them with death in their eyes.
"Shampoo!" called Mousse. "You don't need Ranma
anymore. He's dead, and now there's nothing in our way to
stop our marriage."
The dark glares panned around on him.
"Well he is dead," Mousse pointed out again.
Four sorrowed cries rose up into the sky; Akane, Ukyo,
Kodachi, and Shampoo dropping to their knees around Ranma's
body crying incessantly over him. Nabiki pulled fitfully on
her hair, trying to maintain some sort of mental stability
in this crazy mixed-up scenario.
"Stop," she called out to them. The whines ceased,
Nabiki taking in the scene for a second. "We're still
behind enemy lines folks, so let's try to think about
getting Ranma home first, okay?"
The others traded looks then nodded.
"Good. You four, up!"
The girls stood up. Nabiki came over, pausing briefly
as a siren screamed close by, and then gazed down at Ranma.
She rubbed her chin in thought.
"Tatewaki, Mousse, you guys carry him and-."
"No." replied Tatewaki.
"No?"
"Yes, no. Ranma is not light, and I have been carrying
him all this time. I need a break."
Nabiki pursed her lips tight, thinking more. As she
pondered, her eyes roved around coming to a sudden stop on
Shampoo's delivery bike.
"That," she said, pointing at it.
"That what?" asked Shampoo.
"Your bike. We'll put Ranma on it and wheel him the
rest of the way to the dojo."
"Another brilliant scene drifting down the streets of
Nerima," said Tsubasa. "Ranma, stiff as a board, lying on a
delivery bike. The calls the police will be getting, I can
hear'em now."
"Hm, you might be right, Kurenai," replied Nabiki.
"We'll have to sit him on it."
"He's stiff, Nabiki," said Ukyo.
"So? We put him in this position we can put him back.
Stand him up."
Mousse pulled Ranma up to his feet.
"Tatewaki, untie his ankles and force his legs apart."
"Why me?"
Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Again, you are the strongest
here."
"Oh. Oh yes, so I am."
Tatewaki knelt and began undoing the knots.
"Uh, Upperclassman Kuno, I don't think you should be
kneeling in front of Ranma's leg like that," Gosunkugi
warned.
"And why not? Ranma's leg should be-."
The line came loose, Ranma's left leg immediately
springing up into its former seated position smacking
Tatewaki squarely beneath the jaw. It stood him straight
up, but the leg was not finished as the lower part decided
to extend straight back out. Pained expressions covered
everyone's faces; Tatewaki drawing in a high-pitched squeal
as he slowly, very slowly, doubled over. They rushed to his
side.
"Tatewaki?" Nabiki said, worry in her voice.
Tatewaki's agony filled eyes turned up to her. He let
out a tiny gasp. "(eeep). uh, i'm fine. nabiki," he managed
to say in a thin voice. Carefully, Kuno backed off Ranma's
extended leg. "i'm just going to go and. watch the street.
yes, that's what i'll do."
He waddled away leaving the others staring stunned and
amused.
"He sound like Kodachi now," said Shampoo, giggling.
Nabiki shot her a brief look. "Put Ranma on the bike,"
she told them, following after Tatewaki.
"Okay, let's get this over with," said Mousse. "You
guys lift him up."
The rest of the group took Ranma by each arm and
lifted. Shampoo pushed her bike up under him, and they set
him down on the seat. Mouse grabbed the outstretched leg.
"This is going to take some work," he said, straining
to force it into position.
Shampoo moved up behind Ranma's back. "Hmm," she
sounded. "Ranma all stiff in legs. We need to give him
special blow to back to loosen things up."
Akane, fighting to force the fingers of Ranma's left
hand around the handle bar, looked up. "You think he'll
respond to such a thing in his current condition?"
"The human body still can transmit electrical impulses
even after death, Akane," Hikaru explained to her.
"Hikaru! Please pick your words better," said Ukyo as
Akane broke out into sobs.
Meanwhile, Shampoo felt up and down Ranma's backside.
"Ooo, this give me Goosebumps," she said with a smile.
"Ranma's body still feel firm and muscular even if dead."
"Hoh, hoh, hoh! I can't wait until I get him too my
room," declared Kodachi.
"Let's not get started again," said Ukyo.
"Shampoo, if you can bypass your cheap feel, please do
what you are going to do," added Mousse.
Shampoo smirked at him. "Silly blind-boy," she huffed,
giving Ranma a firm blow to the lower part of his spine.
Immediately, his legs snapped together; Mousse letting out a
cry as his arm was pinned between them and the frame of the
delivery bike.
"OW, OH OW OW! Shampoo, Shampoo, arm, my arm!"
"Oops," she said, tapping Ranma's back higher.
His arm came free and Mousse shot to his feet shaking
it around.
"Dead my ass!" he growled, glaring at Ranma. "You did
that on purpose! C'mere!"
Before he could yank Ranma from the seat, Akane
interposed herself between them.
"Stop it, Mousse! Ranma had nothing to do with that.
Blame your girlfriend!"
"I not his girlfriend!"
"No, no, no!" said Ukyo. "No arguing until we're
someplace safe."
Ranma was finally positioned and they stood looking
over their work. He sat upright, hands gripping the
handlebars with his legs slightly spread apart, feet barely
up off the ground.
"Boy, doesn't he look like a dork," said Tsubasa.
"Yeah. That silly smile has just got to go," said
Mousse.
Akane moved closer staring up in his face. "Ooo!" she
let out. "His eyes are starting to roll back," she said.
"That will give us away if anyone gets a good look at
him," said Hikaru.
"Not a problem," replied Tsubasa.
He stepped in front of the bike; arms held out, hands
held up with the tips of his thumbs together, centering
Ranma's face between them. The others watched as Tsubasa
tipped his head from side to side, switching eyes back and
forth. He reached into the top of his blouse pulling out a
pair of dark round sunglasses and slipped them onto Ranma's
face.
"Fixed," he said.
"All that for a pair of glasses!" shouted Akane.
"Hey, I could have used the Raybands or the Gargoyles,"
he answered, producing a pair of each.
Akane stared at him speechless for a moment. "Nabiki,
we're ready to go!" she finally said.
Nabiki stood behind Tatewaki waiting for him to
sufficiently recover.
"Kuno-baby, are you going to be all right?" she asked.
Tatewaki drew in a breath. "I'm fine now," he replied.
"It takes more than a simple ill-received blow to put down
`Blue Thunder'."
"Blue Thunder sounded more like Squeaky White Mouse,"
Shampoo whispered to Kodachi, both women suppressing their
chuckles with difficulty.
Nabiki peered around the corner and found the street
devoid of any police. She stepped out, taking a longer look
around before signaling all clear to them.
"Tsubasa, you guide the bike," Ukyo said.
"I don't want this cadaver next to me."
"Take the bike! You're the only one who won't do
anything stupid like try and ride off with Ranma's body!"
"You have ESP, Ukyo Kuonji," said Kodachi. "Very good
perception."
"No, I know you and Shampoo are just chomping at the
bit to wisk him away at the first opportunity, so get you
sneaky tails back here with the rest of us."
With Kurenai pushing Ranma in the lead, they headed
down the street.
"Okay, which way now?" asked Hikaru.
"This way," answered Tatewaki, pointing to a street on
their right. "It is a shorter route to the Tendo Dojo."
"No you don't, Tatewaki Kuno," said Akane. "I know
perfectly well where we are and where my home is. That way
will take us to your stuffer."
"What. Accuse me of being deceitful? Why that's-."
He turned clutching a fist before him. "Curses!"
"Down the street, down the hill, across to the next
side street and we're there," said Nabiki. "That should
keep us off the main routes."
"And away from any other distractions," finished Akane,
cutting suspicious eyes at Kodachi and Shampoo.
They continued on, an odd looking group ignoring the
looks and stares from the people as they passed. The street
began to dip as they reached the last corner and it appeared
they would get to the dojo without any difficulties.
Unfortunately, fate was not about to allow such an easy
path.
Tires screeched behind them, a police car coming to a
stop in the middle of the street. From the drivers side
stepped a police sergeant, and out the back Principle Kuno,
Mrs. Sajika, and another police officer appeared.
[HO'KAY, KEIKEIS! YOU NO TRY EH'SCAPE PRINCIPAL KUNO
AGAIN. WE FIND YOU ONCE, WE FIND YOU EV'Y TIME!]
"Are we like so busted or what!" said Kurenai.
"Dogs!" said Nabiki. "Like Dogs on a hunt they found
us!"
Tatewaki chuckled lightly. "Our esteemed Police
Department is rated as the best around, Nabiki."
"And with a Kuno assisting them, discovery was
eventual," added Kodachi.
The Sergeant snatched Principle Kuno's bullhorn from
his hands. "Stop screaming at everyone!" he growled at him.
"Alright, kids. We only want to talk with you about a
report of a murder at your school."
"Well everything you need is right here, officer,"
replied Gosunkugi.
Ukyo jerked him back behind them.
The Sergeant took a menacing step towards them. "So,
there was a murder at your school, eh?"
"They were throttling that nice young man, Ranma
Saotome," said Mrs. Sajika.
"Probah'bly stun him wit dat gahbage deh called
miuzac," added Principal Kuno.
"I see," continued the Sergeant. He made a slight
gesture to his partner. "Looks like you kids will be coming
down to the station with us for questioning."
"I'm innocent!" exclaimed Tsubasa, holding up his
hands. "They kidnapped me and forced me to come along!"
"Traitor!" grumbled Ukyo.
"No you're not," countered Mrs. Sajika. "I saw you
holding that poor boy's legs while the rest of you ruffians
beat him!"
"We were not beating him," said Kodachi. "We were
forcing Ranma into position."
A hard kick from her brother brought a yelp from
Kodachi.
"So you all admit to assaulting this Ranma Saotome,"
said the Sergeant.
"Not Shampoo. We just outside and catch body when it
come over wall."
"So, a planned murder it was."
Mousse turned to Shampoo. "Uh, that was not a wise
thing to be saying there, Shampoo."
Nabiki stepped up. "We can explain all of this,
officer."
"Yes you can. down before the magistrate. I'm sure he
will be- You, on the bicycle! Stop!"
Huh? Wondered the rest of the group. In his panic,
Kurenai did not realize that he had allowed gravity to play
its part in this tragedy. Shampoo's bike rolled down the
sloping street carrying Ranma merrily along. Several gasp
came from them as it picked up speed.
Ukyo swatted Kurenai on the shoulder. "You can't even
control one simple bike!"
"Hey, dat Saotome," Principle Kuno said. "He try one
eh'scape. He get good buzz cut fo'dat."
"Nice job balancing him, Mousse," said Hikaru.
The Sergeant looked at Mrs. Sajika with a frown. "I
thought you said Saotome was dead?"
Akane spun around. "He is dead!" she cried. Her hands
slapped across her mouth, realizing how stupid of a mistake
that was. She turned and frantically gestured to the others
to get after Ranma before they lost him.
"STOP!" cried the Sergeant as together the band of
fugitives dashed off in pursuit.

* * * * *

Disneyland!

* * * * *

The odd sight of a runaway bike being pursued greeted
the citizens' fortunate enough to bear witness on this day
of days. Momentum built up as the delivery bike topped the
crest of the next street rocketing along, to be followed
seconds later by the cries from Ranma's friends as they ran
at full tilt hoping to catch up with it before Ranma, or
anyone else, got hurt.
A tip over a rock put the bike up on the sidewalk,
roaring through awnings, tables, banners, and anything else
in its way before careening back out into the street to
continue its flight. Ranma looked like a Chinese New Years
Dragon minus the head, a long trail of tablecloths and
streamers fluttering in the wind behind him. His frozen
smile never wavered as the bike approached a turn in the
road, and with a slight skip, velocity carried it up over
the railing.
Akane's cry startled everyone as it disappeared from
view. The reached the turn and peered over the side fearing
what they might see. Below ran another road, Ranma with
bike continuing on without a hitch.
"Wow. For dead man, Ranma ride bike real good," said
Shampoo.
The distant warble of a siren caught their ears.
"This way before the police catch up to us," said
Nabiki, leading them down the street.
They found some steps leading down, and soon were back
in pursuit of Ranma's body. By then, the delivery bike had
reached the end of the street racing headlong towards a high
stone embankment. This time there was not enough speed or
clearance for the bike to make it's way over, but Ranma had
plenty of room as it collided with a loud crash.
"Oh no!" exclaimed Akane watching his body sail up
through the air.
"At least he's heading in the right direction,"
commented Nabiki.
Over several rooftops flew Ranma with the gang racing
along after him. He finally came down in another side
street.
KLA-DUNG!
Shampoo held out her arms stopping them all upon
hearing the sound.
"Skull!" she told them. "Ranma hit someone!"
"Well let's go see how much damage was done," replied
Ukyo.
They raced around the corner coming to an abrupt stop
upon seeing who it was Ranma had landed on. Ryoga Hibiki
lay face down in the alley, Ranma latched tight on his back,
their faces pressed cheek to cheek.
"Ranma what are you doing? Get off me!" cried Ryoga,
struggling with no success to dislodge the body. "You
better get that strange grin off your face, I'm not like
that!"
"Ryoga?" called Akane as they ran over to them.
Mousse and Hikaru pulled Ranma from Ryoga's back and he
sat up.
"Hey, guys," he said gazing around. "What are you
doing here?"
"I was about to ask you the same thing. I thought you
said you were going to Okinawa?"
"I am in Okinawa. Strange how it looks so much like
Nerima? What are you guys doing here anyway?"
A brief silence followed, broken by the laughter from
his friends.
"Let me guess. I'm not in Okinawa?"
Their laughs increased. Ryoga slapped a knee angrily.
"Damn it. Knew I should have turned left at Hofu. Now look
at me. I'm in Seoul."
Ukyo dropped to her knees clutching her midsection.
"Stop, Ryoga. You're killing me, and we don't need another
body right now."
Ryoga stood up. He scratched the side of his head in
wonder. "Hey Ranma, what's going on?" he asked.
When Ranma did not reply, Ryoga walked over to him. He
smirked, peering from side to side at him, arching a brow in
confusion. Then it hit him.
"Hey, Ranma's-!"
"Yes, he's dead," said Mousse. "Isn't it wonderful?"
Ryoga glanced from Mousse to Ranma then back to Mousse
again.
"Who did it?"
"I'll give you three guesses, and you still won't get
it right."
Ryoga paused. "You?"
"AANNNTTT! Try again."
He thought a second then turned to Tatewaki. "Kuno?"
Tatewaki had his face pressed into the fence behind
them, laughing uncontrollably. "Okinawa!" he exclaimed.
"Nope, one last guess," said Mousse.
"Akane?" Ryoga said.
Akane shifted between chuckles and sobs, shaking her
head.
"Wrong again! Ready for a shock?"
Ryoga nodded, and Mousse pointed over at Hikaru.
"Killer," he said.
"Gosunkugi?"
Hikaru shrugged. "Yeah, I'm at fault here."
In disbelief, Ryoga stood staring at the underling.
"Wow. I didn't think you had it in you."
"Oh it was nothing really."
Akane snatched Hikaru up, shaking him around.
"Nothing, nothing!" she shouted. "You did kill him on
purpose!"
Tsubasa and Kodachi pried her off Gosunkugi before he
got snapped in two. Meanwhile, Ryoga stared at Ranma's
lifeless face shaking his head.
"Man! What an operation this had to be," he finally
said. "Look at that smile. Boy, Gos, you are one tough
cookie I tell you. And to get him all the way here to Korea
for disposal. what a mind!"
Tatewaki's fist beat repeatedly against the fence.
"Okinawa!" he cried again.
"Hoo, hoo, hoo, if the police catch us now, I'm done,"
added Kodachi. "I've not the strength to run any further
after such delightful entertainment."
Nabiki staggered out into the center of the group.
"All, all right!" she managed to say. "We're not far from
the Dojo and-."
"You brought the Dojo along too?" said Ryoga.
Nabiki lowered her head for a second, shoulders
heaving. "Ah. Lets gather up Ranma and get there so we can
burn him and be done with this mess."
"Burn?" said Ryoga, eyes going wide.
"Don't even think about it," Mousse said to him. "I
got dibs on that part."
Ryoga frowned. "Kerosene?" he asked.
"Eh, I guess you can do that."
Ryoga grinned. "I get to pour the Kerosene, I get to
pour the Kerosene," he chanted, doing a small jig in front
of Ranma's body.
"Oh what's the use," said Nabiki. "Guys, grab Ranma.
Shampoo; help Ukyo up if you would please. Come' on
Chuckles!"
Nabiki grabbed Tatewaki by the back of his collar,
pulling him along down the side street.

* * * * *

"Get in there!"
"Me? This isn't my home, it's yours!"
"Get in there and take a look around!"
"No! I'm not the one who's at fault here!"
Kurenai staggered to a stop in the back portion of the
Tendo yard rubbing the side of his leg. He glared back at
Nabiki waiting impatiently from the doorway.
"You don't have to be so damn rough, Nabiki," he
whispered to her.
"Stop whining and look!" she shot back.
Tsubasa gazed across the backyard. He saw nothing out
of the ordinary, but in the Tendo-verse, anything was
possible. Carefully, he took a few steps further into the
yard, paused, stepped back then forwards once more.
"Kurenai!" Nabiki angrily whispered, startling him. He
turned and she held up her hands gesturing quizzically.
"What am I looking for?"
"Will you stop playing around! Is there anyone there?"
"No!"
The fugitives hurriedly filed inside. They ran over to
the side of the Tendo training hall and pressed up against
it.
"Well, so far so good, Madame Bond," joked Mousse.
"Next move is?"
Nabiki peeked around the corner. There in front was
her father, Soun Tendo, and Ranma's father, Genma, busy
tending to the grounds. She inched back out of sight.
"Daddy and Mister Saotome are working in the yard," she
said to Akane.
"Great. Now we can take Ranma inside and prepare him
for his funeral."
"Where's the Kerosene?" asked Ryoga."
Shampoo smacked him on the head. "You and silly Mousse
to anxious to burn Ranma," she snapped. "I still have claim
to him."
"He is mine!" growled Tatewaki.
"We're not going to start that again!" said Ukyo,
cutting off the argument. "Nabiki, lets get Ranma in the
Dojo before you dads decide to saunter out this way."
They pulled Ranma off of Shampoo's bike and went around
to the back door of the dojo. Akane peeked in and found the
vestibule empty. It looked like laundry day, several
bundles of clothes nested around the two washing machines.
"We'll leave Ranma here," she told them. "I'll go and
find his good clothes, the rest of you can wait in the
living room."
"I know where they are!" exclaimed Ryoga. "I get'em.
You can keep an eye on winkin, blinkin, and nod here so they
can't run off with the guest of honor."
Ryoga dashed on ahead.
"He is just getting too much excitement out of this,"
said Nabiki.
"Him?" replied Mousse. "I've got a strange twitch in
my Zippo thumb just waiting to be used."
"In the living room! Everybody in the living room!"
exclaimed Akane.
"Yes. Let us all adjourn to your living room," said
Tatewaki. "We need better surroundings for our
negotiations."
Akane pushed him forward, followed by the rest of the
group. The door was barely closed behind them when though
the entrance across the room Kasumi Tendo entered carrying
another large bundle of clothes. She went about her work,
briefly glancing over at Ranma while loading one of the
washers.
"Hello, Ranma. Home early today?"
The question went unanswered, Kasumi pausing from her
task to look over at him. He sat smiling at her, nestled
happily in the corner looking like the manekineko outside
the front door. She could not help but smile back at him.
"You look very comfortable, Ranma," she said, "but I
don't think your chair is going to be there for long."
Still no reply, Kasumi moved closer towards him.
"Ranma? Are you asleep?"
Not a flinch or sign of life came from the boy. Kasumi
let out a light huff and carefully lifted the shades
covering his eyes. The whites of Ranma's eyes were all that
she could see, and calmly Kasumi stepped back. She stared
at Ranma placing a hand to her chin.
"Oh my," gasped Kasumi.
She turned; no sense in panicking used to such
calamities around the dojo, and headed for the living room.
When she opened the sliding door, Kasumi stopped not
expecting what awaited her. Akane stood brandishing a broom
in her hands pointing the end menacingly at Tatewaki,
Shampoo, and Kodachi like a beleaguered solider in a
hopeless battle. Behind her next to the phone, Tsubasa and
Ukyo struggled with the receiver while Hikaru, Mousse and
Nabiki sat on the floor watching the growing confrontation.
"None of you are taking Ranma out of here!" shouted
Akane.
"You have forgotten that I have paid for his body three
times over!" shouted Tatewaki.
"So?"
"You think you can stop all of us!" said Shampoo. "We
take you out, then I take Ranma to great grandma!"
"Not before I have my way with him first," Kodachi
said.
"Nobody is getting Ranma!" growled Akane.
The broomstick came around driving the trio back.
"Will you let go of the phone, Ukyo!" cried Tsubasa.
"I'm only calling the airport!"
"And where do you think you're going to fly off too!"
"France! They don't have extradition laws there so at
least I can stay and finish my studies in peace!"
"Give me that receiver, Tsubasa!"
"Aren't you even going to try and stop this, Nabiki,"
Gosunkugi asked.
"Are you kidding? This mess was going to happen
eventually. Might as well let them get it out of their
systems."
"I still would like to have a video of this," said
Mousse. "Entertaining nevertheless."
Kasumi blinked and then walked past Akane to the phone.
Her appearance stopped everyone and they watched as she took
the phone from Ukyo's hands and began dialing.
"Who are you called, Kasumi?" asked Akane.
"The police," she answered.
CLICK!
Ukyo's finger stopped the call, Kasumi finding herself
suddenly surrounded by the rest of the gang. She placed the
receiver back in its cradle and then turned to Akane.
"Little sister, there is a cadaver in my laundry room.
I don't know why, I don't know who-."
"It's Ranma," Hikaru told her.
Kasumi let the comment pass, pausing a second. ",or
how, but I would like it out of my house."
Akane started blubbering. She felt her cheeks finding
them dry and headed for the kitchen whining all the way.
Ryoga returned.
"I found them!" he exclaimed. "Which pair do you think
will burn the best? Black or. oops! Ha, ha, hello Kasumi.
Here for the bonfire?"
Again, Kasumi paused briefly. "Nabiki, I think a small
explanation is now needed."
"Well big sister, Akane's sympathetic side wants to
spare Hikaru any undue pain and penetration by giving Ranma
a funeral, followed by cremation."
"And I get to light the fire!" Mousse cheerfully said.
As he groaned beneath Shampoo's furious pinch, Kasumi
thought about the explanation. She nodded, looking around
at them, then let out a hum.
"I see you all have quite a busy agenda, so I'll just
go upstairs and. make up the beds!"
"Oh ho ho no, big sister," replied Nabiki. She placed
a firm arm around Kasumi's shoulders guiding her away from
the stairs. "I know there's another phone up in your room,
so lets just say that you've become a special guest for our
little ceremony."
"Welcome to the kidnapped club," Tsubasa said. "Good
to see that it's growing in unwilling popularity."
"Nabiki! You would hold me hostage like this?"
"Yep. Police don't know where we are, and once Ranma's
interned, things will mostly be alright."
"Black it is!" cried Ryoga. "Where's that cadaver at?"
"I'll get it!" said Kodachi, dashing for the door.
A body tackle from Shampoo had them tussling across the
floor. Akane reappeared, stepping over the struggling
women, drinking water from a large glass in her hands.
"At least she stopped crying," said Ukyo.
Akane brought the glass down and drew in a breath.
"I'm just reloading," she said.
"Akane! Nabiki is telling me that Ranma is to be
burned because of you. Is this true?" asked Kasumi.
She nodded, lips quivering. "YYYEEEESSSSS!" she cried.
"Must not take much to rejuvenate those tear glands,"
Tatewaki said.
"Nabiki!" exclaimed Kasumi.
"Funerals in ten minutes, sis. You want to go change
into something more formal? Naw, forget it. This won't
take long at all."
"Nabiki!"
"But I want Saotome's body!" shouted Tatewaki.
Mousse smirked at him. "Kinky. Will you settle for
the ashes?"
"We better get a move on," said Ukyo. "Nothing to stop
this now."
The patio door suddenly slid open. There, glaring
angrily at them stood the police Sergeant and several cops.
Genma and Soun were beside him, Principal Kuno and Mrs.
Sajika bringing up the rear. A tense silence followed.
"Uh, looks like we're on hold," commented Tsubasa, as
the Sergeant stepped inside.

* * * * *

I'm hungry.

* * * * *

Downcast eyes made every attempt to avoid the
intimidating stare from the police Sergeant pacing around
the center of the Tendo living room. He chuckled evilly,
hands clasped tight behind his back as he surveyed the band
of fugitives around him.
"So," he began, "you thought the police would not be
able to find you, eh? Heh, heh, heh, criminals will never
learn that the righteous will always prevail over their dark
deeds!"
"We're not criminals!" said Ukyo.
"Yes, they're just inadvertent accomplices," added
Gosunkugi.
Akane muttered Hikaru's name, placing a hand to her
forehead in disbelief.
"Well. So you have all tried to hide the fact that
Mrs. Sajika here identified you as the murderers of Ranma
Saotome," continued the Sergeant.
"What!" exclaimed Genma. "Ranma is dead?"
"They beat him up in Study Hall Three," said Mrs.
Sajika.
"Dehn toss bahdy oveh de school wall to assistants,"
added Principle Kuno.
Genma's jaw fell to the floor. "How could you do such
a thing to my boy? Akane, he was your husband!"
"He my husband!" shouted Shampoo.
Akane fought to keep back here tears, staring sadly
down at the floor. She wrung her hands nervously together
and looked up at him.
"You see, Mister Saotome. We all-."
"Akane," called Nabiki, moving up next to her sister.
"What are you trying to do? Get us sent away?" she
whispered.
"It doesn't matter now, Nabiki. We're caught."
"Not if they can't-."
A firm hand came down on Nabiki's shoulder. She
grimaced, peering fearfully up into the dark eyes of the
Sergeant.
"Away," he told her, and Nabiki gingerly backed over to
the far side of the room.
"Now, Miss Tendo, please continue if you would."
"Look at her, brother," Kodachi said low to Tatewaki.
"The little harpy has confession written all over her face."
"Sad to see my future bride has no Kuno backbone," he
replied.
"Don't worry, he won't get a thing," said Nabiki.
"She's about too crack, Nabiki," said Mousse. "Even I
can see that."
"Just watch."
Akane stood shaking before the Sergeant. He arched a
brow knowing that her resolve was about to cave in.
"BBBWWWAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"
"What is happening!" cried the Sergeant, backing away
from the sudden deluge of tears.
"Babublghdyr gydyertws-Ranmagbweqar bewahhhh!"
blubbered Akane, gesturing frantically towards the others
and around the room.
"What, what? What did you say?"
"See," said Nabiki. "Not a word."
Unfortunately, Soun chose that moment to step up.
"Excuse my youngest daughter," he said to the Sergeant,
"she has broken into the family tongue. Allow me to
translate for you."
"No, daddy, no."
"Hoo, hoo, hoo. Not a word, eh? You're striking out
quite well today, Nabiki Tendo."
Soun took Akane gently by her shoulders and gazed deep
into her eyes. "BWAAHH, BBUUBBBAAHHH BWWAHH BWAAHHH?"
"BWAHHHH!!!!! Bubbugublgubble Buhh boohoo bhuuh,
Bwahhahahaaaaa!!!"
"Oh how horrible!" gasped Kasumi, fist pressing
fearfully to her chin. Ryoga and Mousse started in surprise
at her, trading lost looks.
"Hm," said Soun. "I appears that Ranma inadvertently
downed one of Gosunkugi's experiments while at school and
killed him-WHAT?!"
Hikaru dropped to his knees. "It was an accident, I
swear!"
"Bgady! Mmumbahahagubahaha Gbbblighiberoooooo,"
continued Akane.
".and they brought him back here to receive his final
rites and cremation," finished Soun.
"Go'head Akane," said Ukyo. "Spill them guts why
don't'cha."
"What about the beating I saw you all giving Ranma?"
said Mrs. Sajika.
"Yeh, an rahning frahm me! Da Principal!"
The Sergeant hummed lightly, eyeing the fugitives for a
moment. "This could be all a cover up," he finally said.
"Would have worked better if they had just stayed at the
school and reported it right away instead of trying to hide
the evidence."
Several angry glowers locked down upon Akane and
Hikaru.
"So where is Ranma anyway?" asked Genma.
"Yes, where are you hiding the corpse?" said the
Sergeant.
No immediate answer came, and then Hikaru raised a
timid hand up.
"Yes?"
"Uh, will it knock a few years off our sentences if we
told you?" he asked.
A flurry of slaps and blows rained down on Gosunkugi's
head.
"You see! Look at them beating that poor boy like
that!" said Mrs. Sajika. "A pack of ruffians and bullies,
that's what they are!"
"Kids, I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you all."
"Hey, I didn't do anything!" said Ryoga. "I was just
going to pour the Kerosene, damn not a good thing to be
saying!"
"Everybody is going down to station."
"Even me?" asked Kasumi.
The Sergeant shrugged.
"K-K-Kasumieee," whined Soun. "You too? How could
you?"
"I think it's called `proximity'," said Hikaru. More
slaps and blows rained down on him.
"You should all come clean and tell me where Ranma's
body is."
"What if there is no body?" asked Tsubasa.
"Don't toy with me, son," replied the Sergeant. "The
only way there is going to be no body is if Ranma Saotome is
alive and comes walking into this room. That's the only way
you all are going to get out of this clean."
Ranma pushed the door to the kitchen back, yawning
while stretching his arms high above his head. He walked
in, gazing sleepily at the myriad of expressions staring
back at him. Smacking his lips, he smiled.
"Hey, guys, what's going on?"
You could hear the footsteps of a cricket walking
across the floor from the following silence. Nobody moved,
mixed expression locked on Ranma. He stretched again and
gazed back at them.
"Okay. maybe I have missed something here," he said.
Tsubasa flopped over on his back in a dead faint.
"Gee, I knew I could make an entrance, but I did not
expect it to be so great."
Akane broke from her stupor walking over to Ranma. She
held out a shaky hand and touched him on the chest.
Trembling hands lifted the shades from Ranma's eyes and he
blinked as the full light hit.
"Oh, and here I was thinking it was nighttime or
something," he said.
"GBWAHGIBAAAAHHH!" exclaimed Akane, tears gushing down
her cheeks. She hugged Ranma and he looked down at her
wondering what was wrong. All Akane could do was sob into
his chest.
"Does somebody want to tell me what's going on here?
Nabiki-."
"Deyehhhh," trailed Nabiki, walking stiffly across the
room towards the locked liquor cabinet.
"Hm, guess not," continued Ranma. "Guys-."
Shampoo started to let out a long cry cut short by
Mousse's hand across her mouth, both of them going to the
floor as they stared terrified up at him.
"A wrestling match, eh? Well you two can't be doing
that in here. You'll just have to take it out into the
dojo."
A cough from the Sergeant caught Ranma's attention. He
started slightly caught aback by his appearance.
"Ranma Saotome?" said the Sergeant.
"Uh, that's me."
"OOOH, OOOH!" exclaimed Ryoga. He clutched at his
heart, staggering to the center of the room. After a few
small circles, Ryoga went into a crouch with his back turned
away from Ranma shivering uncontrollably, arms around his
head.
The Sergeant shook his head and continued. "Mister
Saotome, you appear to be fairly alive and well."
Ranma looked at Ukyo. "What's he talking about?"
Ukyo stood paralyzed with fear, a fist to her mouth
suppressing the scream building in her throat. No answer
from her, Ranma turned to the Kuno siblings. They appeared
calm, but with the first utterance of a word to them brought
a gasp from Tatewaki.
"Ah! No, the ghost. it, it has spoken to me! I'm
cursed! I'm following you, Nabiki!"
Tatewaki staggered past Ranma.
"Kodachi?"
Kodachi let out a long laugh pressing back into the
furthest corner she could reach. Just short out of the
ordinary, Ranma could see by the wild look in her eyes that
she might have finally gone over the deep end.
"Gee, officer, I don't think there is any other way I
should be," Ranma replied.
"We had a report that you had been waylaid and beaten
by a band of thugs."
"In Study Room Three!" said Mrs. Sajika.
"Study Room Three? I haven't been down there?" Ranma
smirked. "Study? Feh, it's too noisy to study at school,
and besides none of these bozos could take me anyway.
Tell'em, Akane."
"BWAHHH!" cried Akane.
"Pop, can you tell me why Akane's speaking Tendoese at
me?"
"Not now boy. I'm still trying to figure out what's
happening myself," answered Genma.
Principle Kuno came up looking Ranma over closely.
"Hm, he no look pale like be'fo." Principle Kuno suddenly
let out a loud scream into Ranma's ear.
"OW, hey what are you doing!" he shouted, pulling away.
"And he still hear good, too. No dahmage fram Skinny
Pahpys."
"Skinny Puppy? Ew, yuck! That crap will kill a
person!"
"Move over, Tsubasa!" Ukyo shouted down at Kurenai's
inert form. "I think I'm going to be joining you here very
soon!"
"Wait a minute!" said the Sergeant. "Something's not
right here. You, wearing the binoculars! Let that girl
speak."
Mousse did as instructed, pulling his hand down.
"OOOOOOOIIIIIYYYYYIIIIIIIIII," came Shampoo's piercing
cry.
The Sergeant staggered back.
"You, wearing the binoculars! Shut her up!"
"YYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIMRUMPH."
"Ranma, Akane said you had been poisoned," said Soun.
"Poisoned? I don't remember eating any of her
cooking?"
The scorching glare from Akane singed Ranma's chin.
"But, uh, I'm sure that would not have happened unless
she had gotten some bad food to cook with," he quickly
added.
"It was supposedly done by Gosunkugi."
Across the room, Hikaru stood holding a pocket notepad
open in his hand mulling over something. Hearing his name,
he looked up.
"Gos!" said Ranma.
"It was a mistake, Ranma!" cried Hikaru, dropping to
his knees.
"What was?"
"The drink!"
"Oh, you mean that great glass of water you got for me?
Hikaru blinked. "You liked it?" he said, slowly rising
to his feet.
"Yeah. Best glass of water I've ever had. Where did
it come from? Fuji?"
Hikaru frowned. He looked back down at his notepad and
scratched his head. "Hmm. Must not have been enough curare
in the mix," he muttered to himself.
"You know I could use another glass, Hikaru."
Hikaru smiled at him. "I'll get right on it, URK!"
"E'scuse us," said Ukyo, dragging Gosunkugi to the
side. "It appears that the lunch bell has just rang, isn't
that right, Hikaru?"
"GEORGFFF!" he replied as Ukyo forced several pages of
his notepad into his mouth.
"I can see that some minor mistake has been made here,"
said the Sergeant. "We'll be leaving now. Sorry to have
bothered you."
The policemen exited, one last look from the Sergeant
had him shaking his head in wonder.
"Cahm ahn, Mrs. Sajika," said Principle Kuno. "We get
you down to one good eye dah'ctor. Free, on da school."
"But I was not seeing things!" shouted Mrs. Sajika as
she was pulled along. "Those, those, THUGS, were beating up
on that poor boy! They were!"
Ranma could only stare in wonder. He turned to his
father again and started to speak, but Genma raised up a
finger.
"Don't ask me, and I really do not want to know. Come,
Soun. We still have work to do out in the back."
The story could wait Soun figured, following Genma
outside.
"Okay. Somebody tell me what's going on!" exclaimed
Ranma.
At the liquor cabinet, Nabiki fumbling hands finally
found her copy of the key, unlocking the doors. She
appeared calm, but the rapid shaking of her fathers hard to
procure whiskey belied her true state. Nabiki took out a
large glass, her jitters preventing her from pouring
straight.
"Allow me," said Tatewaki taking her hands steadying
them.
Nabiki started to bring it to her lips, but Tatewaki
gently took it away.
"Let us not be greedy," he said, taking a long swallow.
Nabiki stared at Tatewaki, and then joined him taking a
swig from the bottle.
It looked like no help there, Ranma gazed down at
Ryoga.
"Ryoga ol'buddy!"
"Don't talk too me!" cried out Ryoga, holding a hand
up. He whimpered lightly, eyes clinched shut. "Don't talk
too me! No, no, no, no. dead, yes, dead. He was, yes,
dead. dead. oh yes, gone, yes, yes?"
A quick peek, Ryoga tensed sharply closing his eyes
again. "Dyarghh! No! Dead. dead. still standing there.
buthewasdead. oh yes, oh gosh, oh, oh, not dead, cheek to
cheek. dead."
Ranma left Ryoga alone. "Has everyone got sunstroke or
something? Kodachi-."
She let out a long laugh; fighting to press back
further into the corner she cowered in. Ukyo and Gosunkugi
would be no help continuing their strange review of his
notebook.
"And we were helping your ass stay out of jail," Ranma
heard Ukyo say as she tore out several more sheets of paper.
"I'll get right on it, I'll get right on it, he says. Yeah,
you're going to get right on it all right! Get right on
this!"
"Gmorph! Gaacckkk!"
A look at the floor found Mousse and Shampoo following
Tsubasa's lead.
"Are you hungry, Ranma?" Kasumi suddenly asked.
"I. guess so. Could use some more of that killer water
Hikaru made. That was some good stuff. Made me smile."
"Oh, Ranma if you only knew," bawled Akane, hugging his
right arm tight.
Kasumi smiled a nervous smile, teetering on the brink
of insanity. "Too the kitchen?" she said gesturing for him
to follow.
"What about them?"
She stopped and looked around at the rest of the gang.
"Ah, no. They probably will not be wanting to talk to you
for a long time."
"To bad," replied Ranma. He followed Kasumi, towing
Akane along.
"Wanted to tell'em about this killer dream I had.
Started out at school, thought that's where I was, ended up
in Disneyland!"
"You don't say?"
"They were all in it too! Missing a great story. Best
thing about it was all I did was lay around like a corpse."
"BWAHHH!"
Kasumi giggled. "Don't worry, Ranma. I don't think
they're going to miss a thing."






Fin



There's a reason Why I'm calling this "The Whole Story"

At first I started writing this on a whim. Was perusing some old
Fanfic's and came across several Ranma/Ranma peoples getting killed stories,
and thought 'You know I can do this too.' (Actually, I did a few
Holloween's ago)
Anyway, I wanted to write something less... deadly, different..., and shall
we say... humorous. So I put this together in a span of a week and reviewed
and rewrote.
Then I reallized that there could be more laughs in this if I also told
the story from first person perspectives.
This is turning out to be a big chore, and I've other stories plus a day
job that need to be atteneded too. Now I still would like to see the first
person aspect, so out of my curiosity, herfe's what I'd like to offer you
folks.
Simply this, if anyone thinks they can write a story along the same
storyline from the main charactures in this story, drop me a note with a
short paragraph from a scene you like. I'll pick several people from the
responses (if any) and give them the nod to write a short first person side
story to go along with this one.
Those people selected once I've reviewed their writing, can then post
them, and I will also put them up on my websites.
This sound like fun, but I must warn everyone that some serious
corrdination will be needed between the lucky folks who want to attempt
this. Several scenes will need to be discussed and worked through to get
the dialoge right. I will let the writers know who is doing what, and with
their permission, give them their e-mail address so this can happen.

The Charactures will be:

Akane
Ukyo
Nabiki
Tatewaki
Kodachi
Tsubasa
Gosunkugi (I'm really interested in this view)
Shampoo
Mousse
Ryoga
Kasumi (probably the shortest of them all)

All of the stories will be titled: 'Ranma Dead: (insert name here)'

Some of the stories will be short, some long, but if we can pull this
off, I think the results will be very... shall we say 'interesting'?

We'll keep this open from the time this post reaches the RAAC until the
end of May (Which might be when it see's the light of day the way updates
are going :-D )

Later, and hope to hear from you soon...