Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ Unexpected Effect ❯ I'm so very sorry folks. ( Chapter 1 )

Unexpected Effect.


By Lord Raa


Disclaim-me-do: I probably shouldn’t have chugged the last of that 44% shochu I bought from the duty free catalogue on the plane back from Tokyo.


“Blergen” = Japanese.

“Quartz” = Chinese or other Foreign language.

[Yedden] = Panda sign or other written note.

‘I wonder if there’s any jam left’ = thoughts.

*BLAMMO* = Sound effects.



**********


In a certain mountain range, a guide noticed an object streaking towards the nearby springs.

“This could be bad if the water gets splashed everywhere.”

The Jusenkyo guide rushed back inside to make sure his daughter was safely away from any chance of being splashed by the accursed local waters.

*SPLASH*


The next day, two travelling Japanese martial artists arrived, but like many visitors to the pools of sorrow, they left cursed.


*********


Flash forward to present day Nerima, just after Ranma’s curse had been unlocked after his resultant victory over Herb.

Under the guise of training, Genma had attacked his child without warning as a lesson to expect an attack at any time.

The panda had rendered Ranma unconscious, and a resultant series of terrible nightmares that plagued Ranma for most of the night. They ranged from the images of cats and ducks to skilled engineers and girls. All of them were drowning.

He was awoken by his father’s favourite game; “throw the boy into the pond and to start the morning spar.”

When he came out of the water, he was not a she, but rather a panda, like the elder Saotome.

Disorientated, Ranma flew at his father and tried to tear him a new orifice.

It was only when he tried to speak, he realised that he wasn’t a girl.

“Growf?” Ranma asked.

Kasumi walked out with a kettle, “here you go Mr Saotome.”

Pouring it on the first panda she saw, she expected to see a middle aged man.

“Oh my.”

What she saw was Ranma in his underwear looking confused.

“What happened?”

“You were a panda, Ranma-kun.” Kasumi was a disorientated by Ranma’s new curse. That and the way his wet clothing clung to his toned body.

Forcing himself to calm down, he glared at the other panda and willed it to turn human.

“Foolish boy, what makes you think that I had anything to do with this?” Genma asked, too enraged to realise that he was human again.

Nabiki looked on as Ranma shifted into a girl and back.

Kasumi caught him as he collapsed.

“Perhaps this latest challenge has been a bit much for the boy,” Soun pondered. “Anyway, it’s time for breakfast.”

Said meal passed quietly for the Tendos as Ranma was in no condition to fight over the food against his father.

Afterwards in the dojo, Ranma looked at his hands as he tried to recall the change he underwent without water. Closing his eyes, he thought about his girl form.

“Ranma-kun?” Kasumi asked as she walked into the dojo.

“Yes, what can I do for you, Kasumi?” Ranma asked, having just changed into a girl.

“I was wondering, are you all right?”

Ranma was about to reply when she felt dizzy and clutched her head.

Rushing towards her, Kasumi cradled the young martial artist in her arms. After a minute, they both changed into males.

Ranma opened his eyes and saw Kasumi as a man in a housedress.

“Kasumi are you all right?”

In a deep voice, Kasumi replied, “oh my. I feel a bit strange. My – er – underwear is a bit uncomfortable.”

Ranma nodded. Focusing his thoughts, he tried to imagine Kasumi as her normal self.

As Kasumi regained her birth gender, Ranma thought that it was getting easier for him to cause the change. He no longer felt like falling unconscious.

“Ranma what happened?”

“I don’t know, Kasumi. But I think that I can now cause Jusenkyo-style curses on people. Do you mind checking with some water, I’d feel really bad if I’d ruined your life because of an accident,” Ranma looked at his feet, tears threatening to leak out.

Kasumi agreed and left for the kitchen.


When Kasumi returned, Ranma had already gotten in the “Crouch of the Wild Tiger” posture. He was trying to beg for forgiveness.

Kasumi smiled as she walked up to him. “Ranma-kun, I can assure you that I am a whole woman when either splashed with hot or cold water.”

Ranma breathed a huge sigh of relief at the news. “I’m so sorry, Kasumi. I would have done anything to make it up to you if I’d cursed you.”

Nabiki walked in, “what’s this Saotome? You’d do anything?”

Ranma frowned at Nabiki. He was reminded of a fox, cunning and troublesome.

Nabiki disappeared, a cute little fox made its way through the pile of clothes to glare at Ranma.

Ranma stood up, “I want to test something. Don’t move, Nabiki.”

Returning with a kettle, Ranma poured some hot water on the fox.

Nabiki stood up. Looking at her now naked body, she “eeped” and quickly scrambled into her clothes.

“Just what have you done to me, Saotome?”

Ranma smirked at her. “I gave you a Jusenkyo curse, Nabiki. I’d be careful from now on; foxes are considered pests in urban areas.”

“Fix. It. Now.” Nabiki ground out through her clenched teeth.

“Cost ya.”

“Ranma-kun, it’s not nice to play with people like that,” Kasumi admonished.

Ranma sighed, “ok,” and waved of his hand. “Go to the bathroom, if you don’t believe me that I cured it.”

Nabiki rushed off, vowing to make Ranma suffer.

“Kasumi, remind Nabiki that I settled our tab,” Ranma spoke as he left to go to his room.


**********


Nabiki was furious with Ranma for his little fox stunt. “I’ll get even with him for that.”

Akane overheard this, “get even with who?”

“Ranma.”

Akane’s face dropped. ‘That pervert’s forced himself on Nabiki. I’ll kill him.’ Storming off, she planned to make the idiotic fiancé of hers suffer for his acts of depravity.


**********


Genma looked at the go board as he planned his next move. Soun saw Ranma out of the corner of his eye walking in from the rain.

There was nothing unusual about this; his youngest daughter had just thrown him outside.

What was unusual was Ranma was still male.

“Ranma! You’re cured!”

Genma looked up. “Son, I can’t believe that you’d keep a cure from your father.” The fake tears followed.

Ranma snorted and kicked the fat man outside. The panda looked unhappy, and launched itself inside and into a vicious attack.

Ranma parried all the blows and smirked as he punched the panda in the face. This last blow stunned the beast.

“Pops, here’s a cure for you,” Ranma laughed as he waved his hand.

Genma crawled back in and looked for the kettle. Upending it over his head, Genma “Growfed” when the changed failed to occur.

Ranma laughed even louder as the panda grumbled, trying to get Ranma to change whatever he’d done.

The doorbell rang, giving Ranma a reprieve from the animal attack.

“Hello, is my son or husband here?”

The panda panicked as a copper haired woman walked into the main room of the Tendo house.

“Who’s you son?” Ranma asked, knowing the answer.

“Ranma Saotome, who are you?” Nodoka asked.

“But that’s me…” Ranma trailed off as the woman hugged her son tightly.

“Now where is that delightful Ranko girl? I see her pet panda,” the Saotome matriarch asked. “I think that you’d make a cute couple.”

“Mom, I have a confession to make,” Ranma sat down.

“Go on son, I’m listening.” Nodoka sat at the table as Kasumi brought in some tea.

“I know that you’re serious about the contract, but I need to tell you the truth about Ranko.” Seeing the gesture to continue, Ranma did so. “I am Ranko.”

Nodoka looked at her son as if he were crazy. Considering his current behavioural patterns, Nabiki and Kasumi would have thought that to be the case.

“I used to have the curse that meant when I was splashed with cold water, I turned into a girl. Hot water changed me back. I lied to you, I’m sorry,” the shame was evident on Ranma’s face.

Nodoka’s expression turned neutral.

“Recently, something happened that now means I can control it.” Ranma shifted into ‘Ranko’.

Nodoka gasped, and then nodded in understanding as ‘Ranko’ morphed back into Ranma. “I see the resemblance now.”

“Now, I need to know what you consider to be manly, so I know if I meet your expectations,” Ranma spoke honestly. He was getting strange feelings inside.

“Tell me about yourself.”

Ranma spent the rest of the afternoon telling his mother about some of his adventures, leaving out certain details, namely the Neko-ken, his first kiss and the truth about a certain panda.

“Well son, I get the feeling that you are manly, but you don’t just make a snap decision about a death contract.”

Ranma nodded in understanding. “If there is anything I can do to help you make your decision, you will let me know, won’t you?”

“Of course Ranma. Now about your love-life…” Nodoka trailed teasingly.

Ranma groaned. “Girls have been nothing but trouble for me. They either want to marry me or kill me.”

“So? They have a love/hate relationship with you.” Nodoka failed to see her son’s problem. “You’re not gay are you?” Nodoka’s tone suggested that she thought homosexuality was NOT manly.

Ranma waved his hands in protest, “nononononono. It’s just how am I supposed to form a proper relationship with a girl if I have all these others coming out of the woodwork scaring them off?”

Nodoka looked at Kasumi, who gestured that Ranma was speaking the truth.

“Oh,” was Mrs Saotome’s reply. “You make it seem that it might be a blessing to kill you.”

“It might, but I just acquired this cool new trick. Watch the panda,” Ranma grinned evilly.

The sweating panda tried to make its escape but for some reason, Kasumi stretched he leg out at the wrong moment and tripped it up.

With the wave of a hand, the panda turned into a heavy-set man in a dirty gi.

“So there you are husband.”

Genma gulped.

“Pops, I unlocked your curse. I can’t think of a good reason to cure it though. Can you think of one, Kasumi?” Ranma turned to the eldest Tendo daughter.

“I’m afraid not, Ranma-kun.” Kasumi suddenly felt a LOT more comfortable around Ranma. ‘Why did I pass up the chance to be with him?’

Nabiki arrived at the doorway. “Hello Auntie Nodoka. I see that you finally managed to catch up with Ranma.”

“Yes. Nabiki, how you feel about Ranma, now that he’s no longer cursed?”

Nabiki pondered her feelings for the pigtailed martial artist. Sitting down for some tea, she was overcome by a wave of contentment by being near Ranma. Then the penny dropped.

“Wait, you know about his curse?”

“Yes, and Ranma apologised for lying to me. It seems that Genma forced him to be dishonest.”

Genma, having now picked himself up, started his latest attempt to sneak out.

“Well, that wouldn’t be the first time Genma behaved like that,” Nabiki spoke as she stretched, accidentally hitting Genma in the groin with her fist.

“AAAHHH!”

Nodoka laughed at her husband’s misfortune. There was no need for her to worry about Genma’s inability to perform husbandly duties for the time being. For if some of the tales Ranma told her were true, and then he’d be sleeping in another room for some time.

“Well Nabiki?”

“To tell you the truth, I wanted to get back at Ranma because he turned me into a fox earlier.”

“But now?” Nodoka asked, as Nabiki seemed to edge closer to Ranma.

“Now is a bit different.”

“Why?” Ranma asked, turning to face her.

Nabiki just blushed as she said the first thing that came into her head. “You’re damn sexy.”

Nodoka smiled at Nabiki’s admission. “Well then Nabiki, how about we switch the engagement to you?”

Nabiki’s face lit up at that idea.

Kasumi suddenly felt more then a bit left out. Unconsciously, she shuffled towards Ranma.

Nodoka saw this. So did Akane, who had just arrived from visiting her friends. Ranma’s actions had caused her much grief that she just needed to get away from him.

“Ranma! What are you doing to my sisters?”

Ranma looked fearfully at his fiancée. He tried to back away, scared that he’d be hurt again.

“I’ll protect you, Ranma-kun!” Kasumi shouted, getting between her sister and the new object of her affection.

Akane’s eyes widened as she saw Kasumi act under some sort of spell from Ranma.

“Akane, you frequently complained about the engagement. Now we’re offering you a way out,” Nabiki teased.

Akane reassessed the scene. “What’s going on here?”

Nodoka spoke up. “I’m visiting my son. I need to determine whether he is a man among men or not.”

Akane’s eyes widened as she realised that Ranma’s mother could force her son to kill himself. “But his curse…”

“Manliness is one of those things that is more than the sum of its parts,” Nodoka insisted. “Besides his curse is no longer a curse.”

“What do you mean?”

Ranma smiled as he shifted into a girl, then a dog and finally back to his male self.

Akane fainted into Nodoka’s arms.


**********


Akane awoke in her room with a damp towel on her forehead.

“What happened? I thought I saw Ranma change into his girl form and back.”

“You did, sis. You also saw him change into a dog. I think that was what was too much for you. Oh, do you still want to be engaged to Ranma?”

“WHAT?”

Nabiki sighed. This was keeping her from Ranma! “Do you want to marry Ranma?”

Ranma, Kasumi and Nodoka walked into the room.

“Are you alright, Akane?”

“I’m fine, Kasumi. Why are you holding Ranma’s arm?”

Kasumi blushed as she realised she’d been holding Ranma close to her, but she still clung to his arm.

Nabiki narrowed her eyes at her older sister. “Yes Kasumi, why were you STILL holding Ranma’s arm?”

“Oh my. It just felt so right.” Kasumi had finally felt the effects of the years of loneliness and the departure of her friend, the silly Dr Tofu.

“Ranma, you pervert! What have you done to my sisters?” Akane leapt to her feet and grabbed the nearest barbell to mete out the appropriate punishment.

“I didn’t do nothin’!” Ranma’s protest failed. Again.

*CRACK*

As Ranma went down like a sack of rice, Nodoka screamed out. “NO!”

Cradling her son’s injured head, she looked at the Tendos. “I hope you’re happy. Your actions have harmed my son for the last time. I’m taking Ranma home with me. I don’t think the schools will be joined any time soon.”

Nabiki panicked. ‘Ranma’s hurt!’ she thought. ‘Wait, when did I start to care about that dumb jock?’

Kasumi moved to inspect Ranma’s head wound.

“And what makes you think that I should let you touch my son?” Nodoka asked the eldest Tendo girl in an icy tone.

“But Ranma needs to be cared for, Auntie Nodoka…” Kasumi insisted.

“In what way do you plan to care for my son?”

“I plan to take care of his manly urges,” Nabiki blurted out.

“Ugh!” Ranma groaned, distracting the room from Nabiki’s admission.

“Ranma!” the room chorused.

“Shush! Headache!” Ranma blinked. “What happened?”

“Akane hit you,” Kasumi answered, her voice filled with shame.

“Again?”

“What do you mean by ‘again’, son?” Nodoka was beginning to become worried about the environment Ranma had been living in.

“That girl keeps hitting me for things that are not my fault. I’ll admit that I have been freer with my tongue then would be appropriate, but no-one seems to give me the benefit of the doubt.” Ranma’s speech had become less rough.

“Are you all right Ranma?” Nabiki asked the new significance in her life.

“Yes Nabiki. Mother, I think that we should leave as soon as possible. It is obvious my presence here is not welcome.”

Nodoka nodded in agreement.

‘No!’ was the thought from both Kasumi and Nabiki as they looked at each other.

“Is there something wrong Kasumi? Nabiki?” Ranma asked.

“Only if you go, we’ll be lonely again Ranma-kun,” Kasumi replied.

“How lonely?” Nodoka enquired, having gained an idea on earlier visits.

“Well,” Nabiki began, “if you consider that all the boys at school chased Akane before Ranma showed up, not that they were much compared to Ranma mind you.” Nabiki stroked Ranma’s arm lovingly as she spoke. “And as Kasumi had to look after the house, I’m sure you can understand how few opportunities we had for finding people to fill our nights with passion.”

“Nabiki, when did you become such a pervert?” Akane asked, almost shrieking in disbelief.

“It’s not perverted to want a nice man to make you feel glad to be alive, Akane,” Kasumi admonished her youngest sister.

“That’s quite right, Kasumi. You do like boys don’t you, Akane?” Nodoka stuck her oar in.

“NO! All the boys around here are perverted jerks!” was Akane’s reflexive response.

Shampoo arrived at the Tendo house with a new plan of attack for the conquest of Ranma. Not smash through the walls like some kind of barbarian. Besides the cry-baby had mentioned the Ranma’s mother was visiting.

Walking up the stairs to Akane’s room, she heard the sounds of conversation.

‘Who’s that other woman? I hope that panda hasn’t sold of Ranma _again_. If he has, he’s in for a world of hurt!’ Shampoo’s thoughts were turning to how much she could torture the bane of Ranma’s existence.

“Airen!” she greeted as she entered the room.

“Hey Shampoo, what can I do for you?” Ranma asked, not noticing the glares the Chinese girl was getting from the older Tendo sisters.

Shampoo had quickly closed the gap between herself and her wayward husband. Rubbing herself up against Ranma, she suddenly found herself needing to take their relationship to the next level. “Airen take Shampoo to Love Hotel, yes?”

Nabiki looked on as a cute and curvy Amazon warrior molested her would-be lover. “Shampoo, why are you here?”

“Shampoo here to make sure Airen not get in too too much trouble. Shampoo know how much trouble he get into. Why sneaky-girl care about Ranma?”

Nabiki was trying to come up with a legitimate reason for why she suddenly felt attracted to Ranma.

Kasumi decided the enough was enough, “Shampoo, I don’t think you should keep touching Ranma like that.” She, herself, shuffled closer to the young man.

‘Shit, that old maid is interested in Ranma too.’

While Kasumi complained about Shampoo’s improper behaviour, Nabiki took it upon herself to warm Ranma’s free side. ‘Mmmm, cosy.’

Nodoka smiled at the evidence of Ranma’s manliness before her. Coughing politely to get everybody’s attention, she decided that she needed to act before Ranma got too crowded. “I think that my son, while most definitely manly, needs a little bit of room. I need some time to consider each of your claims for my son’s hand in marriage. But first, I would like to get to know him better. Ranma, you’re coming home with me.”

Unbeknownst to all, Ranma’s new aura was altering people’s perceptions of him. Those that found him attractive suddenly decided that he was the most desirable man in the world. Those that disliked him would be shortly coming to the conclusion that he was the most despicable human ever to walk the face of the Earth.

“Oh my, Ranma-kun will be leaving us? But I wanted to try out this “sex” thing with him.” Kasumi had hoped that she’d found the thing that would fill the gap in her life.

Everybody in the room turned to the eldest Tendo offspring.

“Oh my, did I say something improper?”

Akane blinked slowly as her higher functions came back online. “Ranma, what did you do to Kasumi?”

“Nothing, Akane. Why do you always blame me?” Ranma was beginning to tire of the constant accusations and blame.

“Because nothing like this ever happened before you came around!” Akane huffed.

Ranma was about to retort that is was impossible for him to be responsible for everything when his posture stiffened as he realised what the two soft orbs pressing into his back were. ‘I never realised that Kasumi was so stacked!’

Shampoo started to rub herself against Ranma’s body again as Nabiki decided Ranma would make a nice bed warmer.

“You pervert! In my bedroom of all places! GET OUT!” Akane shouted at the offending teenager. She started to search for things to throw at him.

“That’s quite alright, Akane. My son and I are leaving. Ranma go get your things, I’ll talk with your father.” Nodoka strode out the door.


**********


“But No-chan,” Genma whined.

“But nothing, you are coming home with me now, Genma. What were you thinking, engaging Ranma to Akane?” Nodoka was not impressed with her husband’s judgement on fiancées.

Soun gathered up a modicum of courage and made his now tiresome argument about uniting the schools. “But the pledge to unite the schools of Anything Goes must be fulfilled!”

“Why?”

Soun blinked at Nodoka’s question. “What do you mean ‘why’?”

“I mean, why should this agreement hold any more water then the others my husband made? After all with the Kuonji engagement, the dowry exchanged hands.” Nodoka was beginning to tire of the absurd notion that the Tendo agreement was the most important.

Soun was at a loss, though he was saved by Ranma’s appearance.

“Mom, dad, are we ready to go?” Ranma shifted the pack on his shoulder. He wanted to leave before anybody else found out about his new skills. Seeing how Shampoo was being a lot friendlier, he dreaded to think what she’d do to convince him to cure her curse.

Of course if Ryoga and Mousse found out, they would try to beat it out of him. Like they could!

“Yes son, I think that it would be best if we left. I need to talk in private with your father.” Nodoka shifted the thin bundle in her arms.

Genma gulped.

Soun began to weep as his dreams of an easy retirement faded away.

“Oh grow you, you pathetic little man!” Nodoka had run out of patience with the emotionally unstable martial artist.

This stunned Soun into moment of silence. Then the waterworks started in earnest, changing Genma into a panda.

A certain Amazon warrior had decided to find out what was going on between the adults. Unfortunately Ranma had spotted her.

“Mr Tendo, if you don’t stop crying, I won’t marry any of your daughters. Hey, why don’t I marry Ucchan? She’s nice to me, is an excellent cook, is really cute and mom thinks the engagement is valid,” Ranma teased the Tendo patriarch.

Nodoka saw Ranma’s ploy. “But how about Shampoo? Something tells me that she could make your bedroom a very happy place…”

“That’s true, Mom. I doubt that you would have too long of a wait before grandchildren arrived.” Ranma subtly gestured to Shampoo.

It took all of Shampoo’s self control not to scream in joy at Nodoka and Ranma’s comments. However, her movements attracted the attention of Mrs Saotome.

“Shampoo, would you take us to your great-grandmother? I have some questions for her.”

She nodded happily and grabbed their hands. “Of course, follow Shampoo! You too Panda-man!”


**********


On the way to the Nekohanten, Ranma noticed the darkening skies. Fearing that the worst would soon occur, he waved his free hand. He saw his mother’s questioning look and gave her one that said, “I’ll explain later.”

No sooner had Ranma turned his attention back to the road, than a window cleaner failed to look where he was emptying his bucket.

Nodoka looked on in slight amusement as only Ranma and Shampoo were moistened by the spill. And she thought that she was the one in the way!

Shampoo visibly winced as she felt the cold water. Fearfully turning to see a moistened Ranma, she noticed that one; he was not running away from her in terror, two; he was still male and three; she was still human.

“Airen?”

“I kind of took the liberty of curing your Jusenkyo curse, Shampoo.”

Ranma was not prepared for the crushing bear hug he received. Nor the smothering of kisses that made his mother nod in approval.

The panda looked on in horror, as his dreams of living off his son seemed to fall away like the hair he so often shed.

“AHEM!” a voice from behind them startled Shampoo from her public display of affection. “If you have finished Shampoo, perhaps you could explain to me why you are not at work?”

“But great-grandmother, Airen cure Shampoo’s curse. And this Airen’s mother!” Shampoo gestured to the Saotomes as appropriate.

Nodoka bowed to Cologne. “Greetings, honoured elder. I wanted to ask you a few questions about Ranma and Shampoo’s relationship.”

Cologne retuned the bow. “Let’s get inside; we don’t need to be caught in the rain.”


**********


Inside the Nekohanten.

“Elder Cologne, I am in the middle of sorting through the suitors for my son. Obviously, I want what’s best for him. I was wondering where you are planning to make my son live, if he were to marry Shampoo?” Nodoka wasted no time in the quest for her son’s happiness.

Cologne considered her response. “The first plan was to have Son-in-law come back to the village with us, but he would not be suited to rural life. They could stay in Japan, but would Shampoo be truly accepted here?”

“A good question. Let’s ask them, shall we?” Nodoka turned to her son and potential daughter-in-law.

Shampoo was trying to wear the same shirt as Ranma, when Mousse walked in from the storeroom.

“You bastard!” Mousse snarled. “I’ll kill you for putting you filthy hands on Shampoo!”

Mousse launched a barrage of water bombs from the depths of his sleeves at the cuddling couple. When they failed to change, Mousse stared in disbelief and Cologne looked on in interest.

“So, Son-in-law did cure her curse. Tell me Ranma, how did you do it?”

“I don’t know, I just waved my hand and concentrated on Shampoo not changing shape when hit by cold water. Like so.”

Ranma motioned towards the myopic weapon user. A second later, a deer shrugged off a set of robes.

“So then, Cologne, what happens next?”

“Can he turn back?”

“Yes. Of course if he attacks me again, he might be in for a surprise.” Ranma seemed to take on a new aura of authority and playfulness.

Shampoo just tried to convince Ranma that they needed to take off their clothes and towel each other down.

“Shampoo,” Nodoka asked, “where are you planning on settling down with Ranma?”

“Shampoo not care as long as with Airen,” she snuggled up to Ranma’s side.

“Well that answers that. Son, it’s getting late, let’s go home, shall we?”

Ranma nodded. “Yeah, it’s been a long day.” Ranma stood to leave. “Whoa, that felt a bit strange. Let me try something. Shampoo, I will be going home with my mother. I will see you tomorrow.”

Shampoo blinked. “When did you learn to speak Chinese?”

“I didn’t. Spring of drowned linguistics experts.”

“There’s no such spring at Jusenkyo.” Cologne managed to hide her surprise. “Where did this linguistics expert drown?”

Ranma thought for a moment. “Now that you mention it, I think he was on a boat crossing the Pacific Ocean. Now that is a bit strange, perhaps my new technique can change something into anything that drowned anywhere?”

Cologne looked thoughtful. “This does bear some investigation. I’ll check what the scrolls I have here.”

“Right, then we’ll be off. See you both later.” Ranma then turned to his mother. “If you’ll kindly lead the way, mother.”


**********


The next day, Ranma felt refreshed from his uninterrupted night’s sleep and gentle wake up call.

On the way to the Ucchan’s, Ranma gave his opinion on his ‘cute fiancée’ “Mom, I think that you’ll like Ucchan, she’s nice.”

Nodoka nodded. “I hope that she’s suitable for you and your manly urges.”

Ranma was at a loss for words. ‘I can’t tell if she’s joking or crazy or what.’
Shaking his head to clear the thoughts that his mother was a bit crazy, Ranma announced his entrance at Ucchan’s restaurant.

“Ranchan!”

“Hi Ucchan. I want you to meet my mom.”

Nodoka bowed. “Hello Ukyo. My son tells me that the two of you are engaged.”

“Yes, we were engaged when we were children. You’re not planning on taking Ranchan away from me, are you?” Ukyo positioned herself between the human Saotomes. “I heard about the seppuku pledge.”

“No, I was just looking at the marriage options for my son. How do you feel about him?” Nodoka asked, her head tilted to the side.

Ukyo was preoccupied with Ranma. Or rather trying to convince him that she needed to give him a full body massage. “Hmm, did you say something?”

Nodoka smiled. ‘This is more evidence of his manliness.’ “Son, are you ready to make a decision about which girl?”

Ranma somehow managed to fend off Ucchan. “I don’t know mom. I mean they all have their good points, but I’ve caused them all enough trouble as it is. It might be for the best if I lock myself in the virtuous man form and become a monk.”

“No! Bad Ranchan! Naughty Ranchan! In my bed!” Ukyo’s outburst confused all in the room.

Nodoka was the first Saotome to regain their senses. “I think that means Ukyo is against that idea. How about a group marriage with Shampoo, Nabiki and Kasumi?”

Ranma started to sweat as he remembered the Tendo sister’s sudden affection. Also, Ucchan was tracing patterns on his stomach.

Ukyo’s business sense kicked in. “How will Ranchan support us? Especially when he gets me pregnant.”

Nodoka only heard the last part of Ukyo’s point.

Ranma only heard the first part. “That’s a good point, how will I be able to bring in enough money for five people?”

“When did you start thinking about things like that, Ranchan?” Ukyo was now rooting through Ranma’s pockets for change for the vending machine.

“AH! Ucchan, stop touching me there,” Ranma protested.

“Why? I thought guys like to be touched there,” Ukyo asked slyly. “I like touching you there.”

Nodoka beamed at the scene. A thought occurred to her. “Ranma’s right, if he’s running a dojo, then he’ll be too tired to satisfy the girls. We need to sort something else out.”

“Maybe I can help.”

“Who’re you?” Ranma wracked his brain.

“It’s not been that long, Ranma,” Nodoka pointed out. “Surely you haven’t forgotten all of your relatives?”

Ranma’s face lit up in recognition at the suited figure before him. “Uncle Takeshi!”

“Takeshi-kun, it’s been far too long. How have you been?” Nodoka stood up to greet her brother.

“No-chan! It’s been going well for me at the lab. Where’s my brother-in-law? Have you seen the light and divorced him yet?”

“No, he’s over there,” Nodoka pointed to the panda.

“Care to explain? If this is a joke, I’m not impressed.”

Ukyo pulled a kettle of the hob and poured over the bear.

“AH! AH! Hot! Hot!”

“Genma! Long time no see. I do hope you’ve been taking care of my nephew,” Takeshi’s tone took on a dangerous edge.

“Of course! As you can see, the boy is quite healthy.” Genma hoped that Ranma would not cause too much of a problem for him now.

“That’s good, I’d hate to think that you’d endangered your own flesh and blood.” Takeshi smiled as Genma sweated.

“What do you do now, uncle Takeshi?” Ranma was glad that his relative had distracted Ucchan from trying to undress him.

“I work for the government.”

“And how would I be able to help you? I’m barely passing my classes as it is,” Ranma pointed out.

“I don’t need you to sit at a desk crunching numbers. No, I have a specific role for you.”

“What’s that?”

“Obviously I can’t go into details here, but it would be dangerous, heroic work,” Takeshi Sato gave the impression that Ranma was the only one suitable for the job. Moving closer, Takeshi whispered to his nephew. “Besides, this will give you some breathing room from the girls.”

“Girls?” Ranma looked confused.

Takeshi pointed to the doorway. Shampoo, Nabiki and Kasumi were standing there in drool inducing outfits. The Tendos were in evening gowns, while Shampoo wore an exquisite dark blue silk dress that clung to her body like a second skin. One such as Kuno, Happousai or probably any other male with normal sex drive would notice a distinct lack of lingerie on the girls.

Naturally, Ranma missed this small, but important detail.

Nabiki spoke first. “Ranma, according to my records, you owe me a date.” Checking a notebook, she added, “followed by plenty of hot sex.”

“Ranma, do you really want to sleep with the woman that sold naughty pictures of you to local perverts?” Shampoo asked in Chinese, thankful that now they could speak to each other without sounding like morons.

Kasumi felt that she had to play her trump card as she angled her body to give Ranma a better view of her cleavage. “Remember Ranma-kun, I’m the only one here who hasn’t been mean to you or tried to kill you.”

Ranma decided to take the easy way out.

He fainted.


**********


“Hmm, this pillow’s nice. I like the silk covering.” Ranma rubbed his face on the pillows. “What’s this lump?” He moved his hand by his face, “hey, here’s another.”

Shampoo gasped as Ranma inadvertently fondled her breasts.

Ranma’s eyes shot open. “Where am I?” Turning, he realised what the pillow was. “Ack! I’m sorry, Shampoo!”

“Airen no need to be sorry.”

“Are you sure? You’re not going to hit me?” Ranma asked cautiously.

“No! Why aren’t you speaking in Chinese?” Shampoo wondered aloud.

“Oh, sorry Shampoo. I didn’t mean to molest you in my sleep,” Ranma apologised.

“That’s not a problem. You can keep touching me if you like,” Shampoo purred in his ear.

“Ahem, Ranma why are you here and not in my bed servicing me?” Ukyo asked from the doorway. Her loosely tied bathrobe barely kept her decent. In fact, if she moved much more, she’d be showing Ranma her goods. “You are my fiancé after all.”

“No! Ranma Shampoo’s husband!”

“Ranma must marry a Tendo!” Nabiki insisted from behind Ukyo.

Ranma raised his hand to get the middle Tendo daughter’s attention. “Question. Why should I marry you, Nabiki?”

“You shouldn’t. You should marry me, Ranma-kun,” Kasumi spoke up holding a bottle of maple syrup and a can of whipped cream.

“What happened to me wanting Akane? If I recall correctly, you both decided that I should marry her,” Ranma pointed out.

Shampoo pushed her cleavage up against Ranma’s back. “Ranma no want kitchen destroyer.”

“I don’t. I want to know why you all are acting so strangely. It’s as if you all were acting like animals in heat,” Ranma went into analytical mode.

“Ranchan, are you rejecting Akane outright?” Ukyo asked, hope shining in her eyes.

“Of course, Ucchan. I’ve had some sense knocked into me,” Ranma replied.

Ukyo jumped up and down in glee, jiggling freely and showing her naughty bits to the room.

“Ucchan!” Ranma shouted as he held his nose to stop the flow of blood.

“My beloved, you are still far too shy. I shall have to educate you in the ways of the bedroom,” Shampoo remarked to Ranma. “Spatula-girl have good body, Shampoo not see why she pretend to be boy.”

“Shampoo, her name is Ukyo or Ucchan. If you won’t be nice to my friends, then I can’t be nice to you,” Ranma chastised in Shampoo’s native tongue. “I want all my friends to be nice to each other.”

“Shampoo sorry. No call Ucchan ‘Spatula-girl’ again. Is still ok call Akane ‘violent girl’?”

Ukyo, having covered herself up, answered. “Yes, I think that’s ok. So then Ranchan, who are you going to choose? Me, your best friend and the one who tried to break up your relationship with a violent girl?”

“Shampoo best for bedroom gymnastics! Can show lots of special techniques.”

“I did look after you when you were hurt, Ranma-kun,” Kasumi pointed out.

Nabiki sat down next to Ranma. “The Tendo agreement does take precedence, Ranma. Besides, technically we never broke our engagement. So how about a trial run for our wedding night?”

Ranma turned to Nabiki. “I don’t know. Out of you four you were the meanest one. Shampoo was only following her laws. Ucchan tried to break up an engagement with a violent maniac. Kasumi...” Ranma trailed off as he looked at the eldest Tendo female slip a hand into Ukyo’s bathrobe.

“Kasumi, what are you doing?” Ranma asked.

“I just thought it would be best if I got to know the girls I’m sharing the sexiest man alive with a bit better. Besides, I thought it might turn you on if I groped Ucchan,” Kasumi spoke and acted as if she were sharing cooking tips with the young chef.

Ukyo moaned in pleasure. “Ranchan, join us… please?”

Ranma fainted for the second time that day.


**********


“So then Mr?” Nabiki asked.

“Yamada.”

“Mr Yamada, what did you have in mind for Ranma? I know that he’s strong, handsome and an incredibly talented fighter, but what can he do for you?”

“We are in need of people with Ranma’s skills. I admit that I was focusing on his ability to disguise himself, but it seems that he can speak several foreign languages and can turn people into animals,” Takeshi Yamada smiled. “We want him to be a spy.”

“I don’t know, with these newfound abilities, he could make a fortune as a treasure hunter or generally working freelance,” Nabiki countered. “Being a spy sounds a bit dangerous, he could get killed.”

Nodoka spoke up, “who knows what some madman would do to Ranma?”

Takeshi thought about their concerns and came up with another offer. “How about this, Ranma works freelance for the government. He finds things for us, sorts out problems that sort of thing. In return, I can get special approval for you all to marry Ranma.”

“That way there is honour and happiness all round. You would need a cover job, but I think you could work something out. If Ranma agrees, then I give my approval,” Nodoka added her opinion.

Nabiki thought about this development. ‘I want to, but would the others want to share the adventures of Ranma Saotome, Man Among Men? Who am I kidding?’ “I have to check with the others, but I’m in.”


**********


Kasumi wrung out the wet cloth that she’d placed on Ranma’s head.

“Where am I?”

“You are in Ucchan’s bedroom. You really must stop fainting like this, Ranma-kun. It’s most improper.”

Turning his head, he saw Kasumi tending to him. “Kasumi, where are the others?”

“Nabiki is talking with your uncle and Auntie Nodoka. Ucchan and Shampoo are in the kitchen, preparing you some food.”

“Oh, that’s ok. I was worried fights would be breaking out.”

Nabiki appeared at the door. “Kasumi, we have something to discuss.”

Ranma looked a little puzzled at this. “No-one is going to get hurt are they?”

Nabiki smiled. Not smirked in an “I’m far superior” way, but a genuine smile of affection. “No you silly! It’s about our future.”

“Oh,” Ranma shrugged. “Do I get a say?”

“But of course, Ranma-kun. It would be improper for you to sit on the sideline for a decision this big.” Kasumi stood to meet with the other girls. “You might want to put some clothes on, Ranma-kun we needed to undress you.”

“Why?”

Kasumi started to blush as she struggled for an acceptable answer. Nabiki came in with the save though.

“We didn’t want you to dirty your clothes.” Nabiki grabbed her sister’s hand to take her away from the embarrassing situation.


**********


Nabiki laid out the government’s proposal. “This is the gist of the offer. Ranma works freelance for the government. He’ll act as a spy, saboteur, negotiator, and relic hunter, whatever they need. It’s dangerous work, he’ll be well compensated.”

“What’s in it for us?” Ukyo asked.

“You all get Ranma,” Nodoka smiled.

Nabiki nodded. “He’ll need assistance on the job and a reason for coming home in one piece. The government will allow Ranma to marry all of us.”

Shampoo looked at the others. ‘There are worse people to share Ranma with, like that Kodachi.’ “Shampoo agree.”

“If it means getting Ranchan, I’m in.” Ukyo turned to give Ranma a cute smile.

Kasumi and Nabiki gave their consent.

Ranma leaned back. “I guess that’s one way to decide who to marry. Isn’t a bit perverted?”

“We’ll be as perverted as you want, Ranma-kun. Perhaps you could spank us for being naughty?” Kasumi gave Ranma a sultry look.

Nabiki decided to up the ante, “let us show you what a loving family can do.”

Ranma froze as the Tendo sisters put their hands on his lap.

“What do you say Ranma?” Nodoka asked.

“Yes,” he managed to squeak out.

A cheer sounded out. Soon Ranma was subjected to the ultimate harem attack the “Quadruple Glomp” and showered with kisses from four very attractive young women.


**********


To be continued?


This was not intended to be taken seriously. At all. It was, however, my addition to the “Ranma is a god” genre of fan fiction.

Where does this go from here?
Why does Ranma have the ability to cause and cure Jusenkyo style curses with things that weren’t drowned at Jusenkyo?
What influences will Ranma end up under?
What kind of crazy adventures could Ranma and company get up to?
Why is everyone willing to share Ranma now instead of fighting to the death?
Will this end up as a lemon?
Will Kasumi get it on with Ucchan?
Are you still reading this?
Should I get back to work on my other fics?

If anybody wants to take this up, drop me a line and we’ll work something out.

If you want me to continue this foolishness, press £ and give me a good reason to do so.

You should know how to contact me by now.

Emailing lordraa@hotmail.com should get you a prompt response.