Ronin Warriors Fan Fiction ❯ Koi wa Kurushimi ❯ And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin, ( Chapter 12 )

Koi wa Kurushimi
By Djinn Hashiba-Maxwell

And indeed there will be a time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?" --
Time to turn back and descend the stair

- The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock
- T.S. Eliot

I would like to apologize for the lateness of the previous chapter, and the tardiness of any future chapters. I have a lot on my plate at the moment. And it's ree~eeeally tedious to sit and type out page after page off loose leaf, especially since I can't touch type well. (That's also the probable reason for all my typos.) Also, every time I sit down to type, I end up adding tons of stuff randomly, because I am hopelessly addicted to re-writes.

I apologize for the RyoxTou-ness in this chapter ... actually, I'm lying. I apologize for nothing! *^_^*

* * *

Seiji cocked his head at the other man - boy, more accurately - and arched an eyebrow. "I was under the impression that you only had one sister."

Touma blew his bangs out of his eyes in annoyance, casting an indigo glare at the other man. "I do."

"I was also under the impression that you had killed her for money about two years ago." Seiji continued, raising his other eyebrow in a look of expectancy. "You told me so yourself."

Touma snorted, turning his back to the other man. "I lied." He responded shortly. "She was still alive until today."

Seiji brow furrowed. "Why did you lie?"

"What, you expect me to admit that I'm a sentimental fool who couldn't kill someone just because we happened to share the same whore of a mother?" Touma snapped, clearly not liking the question. "Don't you realize that one of the only reasons why anyone ever gave a scrawny little nothing like me a second thought was because they believed I was heartless enough to murder my own flesh and blood?"

This was starting to make sense to Seiji. "So you hid her away somewhere and let everyone believe you had killed her." He finished.

Touma smiled mirthlessly. "Exactly."

"And now she's actually dead." Seiji finished.

"Yes." Touma confirmed. "Akuko killed her, and there's only one person I know of who would be ... reckless enough to do something like this ..." Touma shook his head.

Seiji was too curious to feign a lack of interest. "Who?" He asked.

"When I was with Akuko, there was this ... girl. This child that everyone fawned over. Everyone. I mean she couldn't have been older than ten at the time. But somehow ... she was horrible. She just didn't know the world outside our enclave, outside killing for money. She used to beat veterans in combat, she ... they called her the Aku no ko, the evil child. God, she even gave me the shakes, to see a child already so perverted ..."

"Kayura?" Seiji asked, and Touma's head shot up.

"What did you say??"

"Was her name Kayura?"

Dumbly, Touma nodded. "How ... ?

"She came looking for you." Seiji responded. "At Aito-kyo's home, after you had left. She brought me out here looking for you."

"I had wondered how you ended up out here." Touma murmured. "Kayura, that fool. She probably thought there was something between us ... if I were that weak, I would not have lasted as long as I have.

Seiji didn't know why, but he wanted to know more of how this strange, unfamiliar assassin thought. "You've never been in love?" He asked. "You've never loved anyone?"

"I've loved people." Touma replied, annoyed. "I wouldn't be human if I hadn't. But when I love, Date-san, I don't love halfway. And if I love someone, how can I doom them by keeping them with me, or by letting them know? I'm an assassin - anyone I care about is a liability, and anyone who came after me would go for them first. Kayura didn't even know that Shizuru was my sister, most likely, but she killed her because she knew there was some connection between us. Imagine what she would have done had she know who 'Sister Mary Francis' really was!"

Seiji imagined. He didn't like what his mind conjured up.

"So, what?" Seiji asked. "You just push them away?"

"No." Touma responded with a wry grin. "I leave them behind." He pushed aside the curtain of the tent, looking over his shoulder. "Kayura extended an invitation to me with her actions. She challenged. I will answer." His eyes flashed. "Will you come?"

"Why me?" Seiji asked.

"I have seen you fight. Akuko is not weak, and neither are you. You are strong enough to be relied upon in battle." Touma responded.

"What about the ninja? The Sanada?" Seiji asked. "Will he be coming as well?" He raised an eyebrow curiously.

"No." Touma responded shortly. "Ryo is too emotional. He would let his judgement be clouded. I cannot take him into such danger."

There was something about the way the other man stood; something about the way his jaw tensed, how short his words were. A lesser man would have missed or overlooked it, but Seiji was not a lesser man.

"You do love him, don't you?"

"Iya!"

He answered too quickly, the word an emphatic near-growl. Realizing how he had sounded, he quickly looked away.

"Don't be stupid. I've told you before that I do not love him."

Seiji cocked his head. "No you haven't." He responded.

Touma looked over at him in confusion.

"I asked if you loved him ..." Seiji recalled, taking a step towards the other assassin, "... and you replied, 'maybe'."

Touma jaw clenched. "Why would you think that I love that inept, clumsy, baka ninja?" He asked.

"Because you're leaving him behind." Seiji replied.

There was a heavy pause between the two men, one which Touma chose not to break, and Seiji felt was not his place to. He had said all that he had need to. And the look on the other man's face more or less answered all his questions. Yes, Touma loved the ninja. But he didn't want to believe it. Perhaps it was true, that all he loved he left behind. But the Sanada, the Sanada was one that he didn't have to worry about or protect, one who could take care of himself.

It is a hard thing, to be the lover of a fugitive. Few people have the patience for it, or the desire. And certainly few have the ability to stand up for themselves. Ryo had all these things, and it was obvious that Touma didn't want to give him up. He didn't want to leave behind someone he could rely on. So he told himself that he did not love the other man. That way, he would not have to leave him.

"I do not love him." Touma repeated, frowning, eyes dark. "Will you come to Onokoro with me, or not?"

Seiji considered, or pretended to, though his made was already made up.

"Yes. I'll come with you. When do we leave?"

Touma grinned, feral, teeth bared in something that was more preditorial than mirthful.

"Tonight."

* * *

"Is Hashiba really that stupid?"

"Did I tell you to speak?!" Kayura snapped at Naaza, eyes narrowing. Duly chastised, Naaza turned his attention back to the trail. They wanted to make it to Onokoro by nightfall. Or rather, Kayura did, and hers was the only opinion that mattered.

"No, he isn't that stupid." Kayura said at length, answering his question. "If I thought he was stupid, I wouldn't trust him to know I was heading to Onokoro. I don't think he's stupid ... I think he's vengeful."

Naaza didn't speak, but Kayura continued after a pause.

"The thing about Touma is that he'll kill anyone for money, but deep, deep inside, he still thinks murder is wrong." There was a derisive laugh at from the young girl at that. "Murder is wrong! How naïve! ... so he hates people who murder only for their own selfish reasons. How did he put it ..." she thought for a moment. "He told me, when I was a little girl, 'If I show up at your door, chances are, you did something to bring me there'."

Rajura's soft snort seemed to convey his entire contemptuous opinion of a mercenary with morals.

"Yes well, despite that, he did teach me almost everything I know of manipulating people." Kayura murmured distractedly, twisting the tip of her sai against the pad of her fingertip. She smirked when a single drop of blood welled up around the metal. "Most of it inadvertently."

Again, Naaza made no reply, though he raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, don't look so surprised, Naaza. Even in his Akuko days, Touma knew how to get what he wanted."

Naaza cleared his throat, and this time actually saw fit to speak. "But when Hashiba-san was with Akuko, wouldn't he have been about ..."

"Fourteen." Kayura confirmed impassively. "Well, fourteen-ish. Touma's real age is difficult to gauge." Kayura was now distractedly tracing kanji onto her thigh with the blood that welled up from her index finger. "But he was still pretty, even then. And even then, Touma knew what being pretty meant."

"Hmm." Naaza responded, and then wisely became silent.

"So, I became pretty." She made a face. "But it didn't work as well for me; I don't have what Touma has. I don't know how to use myself." She chuckled at that. "In a way, I suppose that is a good thing."

* * *

It was past midnight when Touma slipped out of his tent. He was still sharing one with Shuu, and did not want to wake his friend. Waking Shuu would only lead to questions, and warnings, and eventually Shuu forbidding him to leave the camp. Not that that would stop him, but he really didn't want to have to knock Shuu unconscious. He'd really feel bad.

Not that that would stop him, either.

Seiji was in perfect form, as usual. He'd pilfered a yukata and hakama from somewhere, and they fit him relatively well, despite the hakama being a few inches too long for him. He'd also found a bokken and had slid it into his obi. Touma snickered at that, an Seiji raised one blonde eyebrow silently.

"Get rid of that toy sword, ne?" Touma said, and tossed Seiji a katana. It was nondescript, standard army issue, but Touma had sharpened the blade himself, and knew it could split a hair.

"It very light." Seiji commented, unsheathing the sword and slicing the air a few times to get a feel for the balance. "I'm used to a nodatchi."

"Yeah well, I didn't have time to go looking for anything more specific than what I found in the armory." Touma responded. "Come on, let's go before Shuu wakes up and realizes I'm gone." Touma pointed to where he had two horses saddled and waiting at the edge of the camp - Ryo's roan, and another he had found unattended outside a tent. It was a nice animal; Touma figured as long as he was stealing, he might as well steal something good.

"Won't the general send men after us when he realizes we've made of with army property?" Seiji asked curiously.

"Shuu has better things to do with his time. And besides, he knows where I'm going and why. He's smarter than he looks."

Seiji nodded, and then blinked at something behind Touma. The younger man's brow furrowed as Seiji asked, "You know who else is smarter than he looks?" He asked. Touma turned.

"Ryo?" Touma did not sound as surprised as one might have expected when he realized that his partner was standing behind him, dressed, armed, and ready to depart.

The black-haired man smiled slightly. "Ready to go, kid?" He asked. He didn't ask why Touma hadn't told him that he was leaving, he didn't seem offended. He just smiled at the other man, sliding a short sword into his obi.

The corner of Touma's lips quirked upward in something that was not quite a smile. "I guess you're riding with me, Ryo." He said.

* * *

Kaiya: Hmm. Shuu is going to be pissed.

Nai: Eh, what about Shin? You know this is going to delay their arrival in Kyoto even more!

Kaiya: Yeah, maybe, but who gives a damn about SHIN anyway?