Ronin Warriors Fan Fiction ❯ Pain of Love ❯ Main Story ( Chapter 1 )

A/N: This is Kitty here! I am so tired now. I worked my butt off one this for three days straight. This is how I apologize for a mistake I made that shouldn't have been done in the first place. So Luna this is definitely for you.

Kathrine: Amyeyl, I am waiting for your description so that I can write you a story.

JC: I guess this is a little different, but it's all Kitty and Jennifer.

Catherine: Please enjoy.

JC: Oh and if you didn't know it's a ToumaxSeiji

Disclaimer: Don't own anything concerning or affiliated with Troopers. *_!

Warning: THIS IS A YAOI STORY!! GOT THAT?! This has the use of alcohol. Some depressing themes. I AM NOT KATHRINE! FLAMERS WILL MAKE ME CRY AND THEN JENNIFER WILL GET YOU!

Pain of Love

BY Catherine and Jennifer

I can't go back, he told himself. I have brought shame upon everyone. He sat in his motel room on a broken bed staring at a leaking ceiling. None of the filth or decay around him could ruin the self-hatred and loathing he felt. They were right to do what they did, he settled deeper into his despair. I am nothing more than soiled and tainted. I have dishonored them and their traditions. How could they not want the person they had raised instead of what I turned out to be?

He had shamed them, defiled their family name. Still they had refused to allow him to leave in hopes that they could change what he was. But they couldn't change him, and after six months of them pushing him to the limits of pain, frustration, anger, sadness, and failure, he could no longer lead them astray.

So he left, taking all the money he had and switching it to different accounts to where they wouldn't find him. He couldn't even face them and say goodbye so he snuck out in the middle of the night. He'd spent five days in this motel, only leaving for small amounts of time to replenish his supply of pain suppressers…alcohol.

/ What would the others think of you if they saw you like this? / His inner voice laughed sarcastically. / What would you do if they knew you aren't whom you portray? /

Let them think what they want, he snapped back. So I am not the calm, cold-hearted, battle-ready warrior they thought I was. I don't care anymore. It's not like they care, like HE cares.

/ Oh you might not show others feelings, but you feel, / the voice laughed again. / Or else you wouldn't be here drinking your life away because of the things your family said and did. /

But OUT! He yelled at the voice.

/ Was it the beatings? / the voice asked. / Or maybe it was the nights of listening to your father and grandfather tell you of how worthless you were and how they'd wished your illness as a child had been much worse? Could it be because you know it cost you the one thing you wanted and loved most in life? Or should I say person? /

SHUT UP!! he ordered the voice and pulled opened another bottle of Jack Daniel's. He swallowed down half in one gulp and let his mind fall into the sluggish stupor it presented. At least then the voice was gone and all that he could feel were the tears that fell down his cheeks. Tears that he had been shedding every night since he'd left the one place he could truly call home.

*****

The blue-haired boy fell onto the couch tiredly. It had been a straining few days that was not yet completely over. He'd searched for his best friend for days since they had received the call from his sister. Satsuki was frantic wondering where he had disappeared. She was in sobs telling him of how her father had forced Seiji to break all ties with them six months ago and that he had run finally off.

Touma had been shocked to say the least. That day Seiji had left was a day he had always regretted. There were things he had wished he'd said but never did. Things, now he'd probably never get to say…

Touma stood there against the door to a room that looked some much emptier knowing that the one he shared it with would be leaving soon. " Why do you have to go?" he asked to the figure that was placing the final things he needed into a duffel bag.

" I have to tell them," he said simply. " I cannot live a lie any longer."

" But you're coming back, right?" Touma asked. " We wouldn't know what to do without you here Seiji."

" Hai, I'll be back in a few days," he smiled. " Just as soon as I settle everything. Knowingly they'll want to disown me and I don't have a problem with that anymore. I have to be who I am and not who they want."

" Shouldn't one of us go with you?" Touma suggested. " I could go. I know this isn't something you're father and grandfather will take easily."

" But I have to do it, and on my own," the blonde was set in his decision. " Besides you know Ryo would go insane if you were to leave for that long."

" Yeah," Touma laughed nervously. " But do you still want to leave this?" He lifted the orb of Korin off of the dresser.

" I know that you guys don't fully believe that I'll come back," Seiji sighed. " I thought it best to leave something important so that you would know."

" Well, if this doesn't assure the guys then nothing will," Touma smiled. " I'm gonna miss you though. Who will I get to stargaze with? You're the only one who truly seems to like sitting under the stars as much as I do." Seiji moved his eyes to the other side of the room and Touma had almost thought the blonde was blushing.

" I'm leaving something even more important than my orb behind," Seiji said as he kept his eyes on the wall.

" Nani?" Touma inquired.

" Don't worry about it," Seiji told him as he finally turned his eyes back to his best friend. " I'll tell you when I get back."

" Okay," Touma agreed.

" I shall see you when I return my friend," Seiji touched his shoulder before walking out the door. Only a few minutes later did Touma hear the sound of a car door shutting and pulling away before he collapsed onto Seiji's bed with tears streaming down his cheeks.

Touma didn't know what to do that day. He was too scared to tell the blonde the truth about his feelings or about his relationship with Ryo. The two had only come together in order to rid themselves of the pain they shared for those they loved, but were too afraid to admit anything to. They shared a bed in order to forget those their hearts ached for. There was no true love within it.

But Ryo's dilemma was over. He and Shin had finally admitted their feelings to each other five months ago and shared a love that was never ending. They truly seemed to have a love that could transcend all time and space if need be. Why couldn't I tell you? he berated himself. Now you're gone and I might never see you again. Oh my Seiji, if only you knew that there was someone waiting for you, someone, who has waited and been there the entire time.

But thinking of the blonde only made the pain in his chest worse. It brought up the memories of four days after Seiji had returned home. The day that Seiji had called and he had said things that he'd rather forget and would forever regret.

" Hello Koji Manor, otherwise known as Teenager Boy Ritz Hotel," Touma said cheerily into the phone. Seiji was coming home the next day and he couldn't wait to see the blonde again. He wasn't sure if he could take another day without hearing his voice and seeing his beautiful lavender/blue eyes.

" Hello Touma," a familiar, but cold voice said.

" Seiji?" Touma thought it was the blonde, but the voice sounded even too chilling to be him.

" Yes it's me Touma," the blonde confirmed.

" How's everything going?" he asked. " Ya ready to come home tomorrow?"

" Touma…I'm not going back to Nasuti's," he said with even less emotion than his earlier words.

" Nani?! Why? What happened?" Touma asked with concern.

" I decided to stay and fulfill my duties to my family," the blonde stated.

" Wait, but you said that you…" Touma started.

" I know what I said and I was terribly mistaken," Seiji spoke into the phone, but he didn't know Touma's heart was breaking. " They raised me to take over when it was time and I can't turn away from them."

" What happened to being free, living your own life?" the archer asked angrily. " I thought you said that you'd accepted them wanting to disown you."

" I am not going to discuss this with you Touma," Seiji almost growled. " I have to fulfill my duties and follow the traditions they have raised me with."

" What happened to you?!" Touma couldn't hide his heartache or anger. " You told me you'd come back! You even left your yoroi!"

" I'm sorry for deceiving you," Seiji gave what sounded like a half-hearted apology. " I just didn't realize how wrong what I was doing was until I came home."

" Will you be coming to get your stuff?" Touma asked icily.

" No," the blonde answered. " I am sorry, but I won't be there to see any of you again. It's best that way."

" Nani?!" Touma's heart had just fell to the floor, a broken heap. " Why?!"

" I need to focus on my duties and I can't do that when you all are around me," Seiji replied. " I have decided to remain home and thought it best if we didn't see each other anymore, any of us."

" I can't believe you!" Touma shouted into the phone. " First you say you're going to stay home and now you don't want anything to do with us! How could you be so heartless as to do that to us…to me?!"

" Believe me it is for the best," Seiji reasoned.

" Know what? Fuck you! We don't need you and don't need your fucking explanations! If you want to act like the four years we've lived together, bled together, and even cried together were nothing then fine! Stay with your damn family and your damned traditions, I don't need you!" With that he slammed the phone back on the hook and slid down to the floor against the wall. Not caring who heard he began to cry, what he hadn't realized was that all the others had heard the entire thing.

Now he knew the truth. After months of going on for nothing, he knew that it was not truly Seiji who had wanted these things. Satsuki had told him of how her father had forced Seiji make that phone call and that he'd been crying every night since then, even though he thought no one had heard him. This only made Touma hate himself and all the things that he had said to the one he loved.

But I'll make it right, he promised silently. I'll find you and show you how much you mean to me. that's when he felt a hand n his shoulder. His eyes wandered away from the unusually curious spot on the wall to meet with smoky blue eyes.

" How are ya doing?" Shu asked.

" Fine, I guess," Touma sighed. But he knew he looked like a wreck. He'd spent three days searching the net and hotels, motels, anything just to find the blonde, Seiji. There were bags under his eyes and he hadn't eaten since the morning the day before. Truthfully, he looked like shit and knew it.

" Guess I just want to make sure he's okay," Touma admitted when he saw the knowingly look in his best friend's eyes. No one truly gave Shu the credit he deserved when it came to knowing things. He'd known that Touma was actually in love with Seiji and not Ryo before even Shin.

" You know him, he's probably fine," Shu tried to comfort him.

" But you know the things I said to him," Touma's eyes started to tear up like they had been doing so often these days. " Gods, I told him we didn't need him, that I didn't need him. But I need him more than I need air!"

" I know, you were just upset," Shu countered. " I'm sure he knows that."

" Then why hasn't he come here yet?" Touma could feel the fatigue setting in. " He ran from his family and I've checked every hotel and motel, near Tokyo and Sendai. Christmas is in two days and he's all a lone. Where could he be?"

" He probably doesn't want to be found," the azure-haired boy shrugged. " And if Seiji doesn't want to be found then he won't be." Giving his friend a small pat on the back he proceeded to walk to the stairs. " You know Touma, maybe you should be checking some of the less known and flashy hotels. Seiji's trying to stay out of sight and I fully doubt he's staying in a five or four star material place." Then without another word he left the blue-haired archer to himself.

Why didn't I think of that sooner?! Touma's mind clicked. Touma no baka, you should get hit with something! ( Kathrine slowly creeps up behind him with the BUBB in hand, but Kitty and JC pull her away.)

Quickly Touma pulls out the phone book and writes down the addresses and phone numbers of every two star, three star, and some of the most sleazy motels he found there. He wanted to keep all options open, even though he prayed Seiji wouldn't be at any of them. Then he picked up the phone and started calling every number.

*****

Seiji growled when he realized that he had just drank all the booze he had bought earlier that morning an hour ago. It was dark now and he believed he was far too coherent to get through the night. He just wanted to drown himself in his pain and die in peace alone. / Don't have to worry about being alone, / his inner voice came back. / You are alone. /

Yes, I am alone, he told himself. With that he got up a looked at the clothes he was wearing. His shirt was partially unbuttoned and smelled of the run he had made to the bathroom just three hours before. He's spent thirty minutes laughing at himself and the retch that was all over the floor. It was nothing more than liquid and even some blood for he hadn't eaten in days. Reluctantly, he got up and changed into the last shirt and slacks he had brought with him.

/ Are you afraid of what people will think? / his inner voice laughed at him once again.

I still have some pride left, the blonde replied.

/ Give us a couple of hours, we'll fix that. /

That's what I'm hoping for, he thought sardonically as he put on his shoes and coat. He wanted to die from alcohol, not the freezing end of December weather.

Merry Christmas Touma, he thought silently as he walked out of the door of his room. Luckily he'd found a motel that had apartments with doors that led outside. Although, he didn't really think the owners would care if they knew what he was doing. He pulled the collar of his coat up to his ears as he made his trek out of the motel parking lot and down the street.

*****

It was late on Christmas Eve, but Touma didn't care. He had spent the entire morning and afternoon checking every motel and inn in Toyama and Tokyo. All the places were considerably down on the health inspector standards and had him relieved Seiji was at none of them. He was driving towards the last motel on his list and was close to losing all hope for finding the blonde.

He turned the corner of the street and almost thought he saw a crop of blonde hair go into a alcohol store. No, he told himself. Seiji would never go to one of those; he hates drinking. A strange feeling filled his heart as he pulled into the driveway of a building that definitely looked to be one of the worse places he'd seen that day.

" Comfort Away From Home, my ass," he said to himself as he read the name of the motel. He parked across the parking lot and walked slowly towards the office window that remained open. Inside there was a woman dressed in clothes one would have believed came from a flea market they were so old and ragged.

" Hello," he called to her politely.

" Well hello handsome," a scratchy voice greeted him. " What would a cutie like you be doing out a lone?"

" I'm looking for a friend that was coming up to spend Christmas with me," he answered as he had done several times in the past few hours.

" Well believe me, you ain't gonna find him around here," she said. " But I bet I could find something else for ya." She leaned out the window with a hungry look on her face.

" Gomen, but I'm not that way," Touma shook his head.

" Hey, I never said I ain't fucked a gay man before," she smiled showing yellowish teeth.

" But I'm not the one to swing both ways," he said politely. " Gomen."

" Your loss," she frowned.

" Could you just tell me if a Date Seiji came here in the past five days?" Touma questioned.

" Sorry, I keep track of my tenants and ain't none named Date," she shook her head before looking past him at one of her present tenants as they walked to their door.

" Hey Hashiba, payment for tomorrow and 26th's due tomorrow morning!" she called to him just as he entered his room without even acknowledging her.

Hashiba? Touma's mind clicked and he turned around quickly. To his dismay no one was out there anymore and his heart was starting to beat rapidly.

" Gorgeous man, that one," she snickered. " Has a great ass. Would have done some things to that one if he'd let me."

" Which room did he go into?' Touma asked her immediately.

" Cain't tell ya that," she said. " Privacy issues."

" But I can make it worth ya while," Touma said as he walked up to the window.

" Really?" she raised and eyebrow. " What did ya have in mind?"

*****

Seiji finished his first bottle of booze before he even took his coat off. The room was starting to get cold and yet he welcomed something that might have been colder than how he felt inside. Unfortunately the chill did nothing and he could tell that it was no contest to his frozen heart. He sat in the obviously secondhand chair near the kitchen doorway and opened another bottle.

His coherency was starting to fade and all he wanted was to let everything go. He didn't even notice when the door opened and someone walked into the room. A gasp was heard and he turned towards the sound. His breath hitched in his throat as he stared at the apparition before. Surely he was going insane or the alcohol was causing him to hallucinate. " Touma?"

" Oh Gods, Seiji," he stared wide-eyed as he looked at all of the empty bottles around the room and the smell of vomit in the air.

" How dids you…?" the blonde couldn't even form regular sentences anymore. The archer walked over to him, not caring of the bottles he kicked as he moved across the room.

" What's happened to ya Blondie?" Touma didn't want to believe the disheveled wreck of a man was the one who had captured his heart.

" Gets a oush," Seiji batted at him with a sluggish arm. " Ya justs in meess head."

" No I'm not," Touma replied. He knew that it was not a good time, but he couldn't help but think of how cute the blonde sounded when he was drunk.

" Liarsh," Seiji stood from the chair unsteadily and glared at him. " Touma'sh not heres."

" But I'm standing right in front of ya," the blue-haired man wanted to cry at the condition the swordsman was in. His hair was wet partially from snow outside and looked as if it hadn't been washed in days. There were bags under his eyes, but the eyes were what haunted him the most. They looked empty and swollen as if the blonde had been crying for hours on end.

" I've come to take ya back to Nasuti's, to take ya home," Touma reasoned.

" Bleh," Seiji laughed at him. " Home's gone. Don't needs meh."

" But we do need ya," Touma reached out, only to have the other pull away. " I'm not here to hurt ya or anything Seiji. Everyone's worried sick about you."

Seiji wanted to scream at him to leave, but his throat became dry and his stomach felt as if it were about to come out his throat. Putting his hand to his mouth he left Touma alone and rushed to the bathroom. The archer followed behind him and watched sadly as the blonde began coughing into the toilet. It lasted three minutes before he pulled away with blood dripping down his chin.

" Seiji!" Touma kneeled next to him. " Gods, you need help."

" What do you care?" the blonde was beginning to gain his mind with the removal of some of the alcohol from his system.

" I've always cared," Touma answered.

" 'Fuck you. I don't need you'," Seiji replied sarcastically. " You care less than my family does. Get the hell out."

" I'm not going anywhere," Touma shook his head. " Do you know how many days I've spent looking for you?"

" Should I care whether or not you waste your life?" the blonde snarled at him. " Just get out and leave me in peace."

" You're killing yourself Seiji!" Touma was trying his hardest to fight the tears that were ready to fall from his eyes. " I can't just stand by and let you do this!"

" Like I care what the hell you do," the blonde stated. His heart was beating madly and the pain was resurfacing in his chest. He couldn't handle having Touma see him like that no matter how many times he had told himself he wouldn't care.

" Please Seiji, come home," Touma begged. " Satsuki called and told us everything. She told us that it was your father and grandfather that made you stay. I'm sorry for ever being angry with you."

" You deserve your anger," Seiji replied. " I turned my back on all of you."

" But you didn't, we should have at least tried to get the truth instead of blaming you all these months," Touma disagreed. " I shouldn't have said the things I said. Gomen nasai."

" Keep you apologies and your pity," the blonde pushed him away. " Just leave me be!"

" But I just can't do that!" Touma cried as the tears forced their way from his eyes.

" Why not?" Seiji asked. " Why can't you let me have my pain?"

" Cause I'm in love with you!" the blue-haired archer blurted before he could pull it back. He had held it in so long that he was almost shocked that he had said it.

" Nani?" Seiji's eyes widened.

" I'm in love with you," he repeated. " I have been for years."

" You love Ryo," Seiji stated.

" Ryo loves Shin," Touma explained. " We only acted like we loved each other to fool you." To emphasize his point he pulled the blonde to him and kissed him on the lips. He didn't care about the blood or alcohol for he could still taste the summer scent of Seiji beneath it all. The full lips pressed against his gently and he thought it was a dream. Seiji couldn't possibly be kissing him back.

The blonde almost stiffened at the feel of the lips he had wanted for so many years against his own. He hesitantly applied pressure from his own end and could taste the freshness and softness of the archer's mouth. He was sure it was only an illusion.

When Touma pulled away he was shocked to see Seiji's pale skin beginning to turn red. The blonde was breathing deeply and just stared at him. " Why?" he asked.

" I can't let you go," Touma declared. " I have love you for so long and the thought of never seeing you again is worse than an arrow to the heart."

" But you said…" the blonde didn't want to believe that the wish he had made so long ago was coming true.

" I was scared that I would never get to see you, never get to tell you how I feel," he whispered. " I couldn't bear it."

" I'm sorry for hurting you," Seiji reached out a hand to caress his cheek.

" I caused you far more pain," Touma said. " Gomen nasai." He pulled the blonde back to him and held him close. " Please come home with me. I can't let you stay here."

" I don't want to stay Touma," he admitted. " I didn't know where else to go or what else to do."

" Then come back to Nasuti's, everyone else misses you too," he helped Seiji stand as they made their way out of the bathroom.

" I can't go back," he shook his head. " I have shamed everyone."

" No you haven't, ya just made some bad choices under stress," he reasoned. " They'll understand."

" Touma…" he whispered as the blue-haired man helped him to sit on the bed and walked back to the bathroom. The blonde heard water running and stop before Touma returned with a wet wash cloth in his hand. He kneeled in front of Seiji and proceeded to clean the blood from his mouth and the rest of his face. Seiji then pulled on his arm and pulled him up to capture his lips in a small kiss.

" Love me Touma, make love to me," he requested.

" Seiji…" Touma was shocked by the request. Even in his dreams of them being together he'd pictured himself as the one being taken, but now Seiji was offering himself.

" Please Touma," he ran a hand down the archer's arm.

" You've been drinking a lot Seiji," Touma glanced at the empty bottles around them once more. " You might not think the same way if you're sober."

" I'm more sober than I've been I days," the blonde assured him as he slid off the bed into his lap. " Please Touma."

" I don't want our first time to be one you might not have wanted or even remember when you sober Seiji," he shook his head. " Ask me again when you haven't been drinking." He could see the hurt in the other's eyes, but knew he had to be the sensible one. Seiji had indeed been drinking a lot and he didn't want to take him when he wasn't thinking clearly.

" Let's get you home, in a hot shower, and to bed," Touma lifted the blonde into his arms. He was shocked at how light he was compared to when he'd returned to Sendai six months before. Vowing to keep the blonde as close to him as he could for the rest of his life, Touma picked up Seiji's coat and walked out of the door.

" Bye cute stuff!" the woman called to him as she waved a large amount of bills around in her hand. She watched as the blue-haired man placed the blonde in the passenger side of his car before getting in himself. She began counting the money again as they pulled away.

" I definitely don't need this," she dropped the money into the garbage can next to the window.

" Ready to go," a voice called to her.

" Hai love," she turned around and smiled at the young blue-haired man behind her. In a moment all of the dirty clothes an filth on her disappeared and she let her long black hair fall down her back. Smiling, she wrapped her arm around the man and kissed him.

" So are you happy now Kayura?" Anubis asked.

" Hai very," she nodded.

" You better be," he replied. " You don't know the debt I'm in with Rajura for your little match-making stunt."

" You know you liked helping," she said. " Although I never did think of you as a Kongo."

" Shut up and let's go home," he wrapped his arms around her and they disappeared in a huff of smoke.

A/N: What do ya think? Was this a good enough ToumaxSeiji for you, Luna? I hope you liked it. Please send me a review and tell me if ya want another chapter.

Kathrine: I said put in a lemon, but she started to get a nosebleed. If ya want one, just review and I'll write it.

Catherine: If anyone it'll be JC. You're too into bondage.

JC: YEAH!! ^_^ Please review so that I may have a chance to finally post my first lemon on the net!