Ronin Warriors Fan Fiction ❯ Where Am I and What Am I Doing Here?! ❯ In Which There are Many Questions That are Followed by Curses ( Chapter 1 )

Where Am I and What Am I Doing Here?!

 

KuroTsubasaNoTenshi

 

PG-13 for swearing and violence (may be upped in later chapters)

 

Summary: Three girls find themselves in a world that is not theirs with powers they never knew they had. Now, with the threat of evil upon their shoulders, they must take up arms against Talpa, evil ruler of the Netherworld and fight along side the Ronins in the most trying battle of their lives. Tempers flare and love blossoms as the girls struggle to find a way back to a home they may not want to return to…

…

JUST KIDDING!!

 

Note from the Author: Well, I've always wanted to do a blatant SI fic. So I did. -shrugs- Leave me alone, it's MY WORLD TO DREAM ABOUT!!

 

Notes from the Muses (who realized that the Author forgot to mention this): This fic is meant to be a parody (of sorts) and makes fun of Mary Sues constantly. There's yaoi as well as het, so be warned. Yaoi = boy on boy action.

 

Naruke (the Author's insane friend/yaoi muse): *pops out of nowhere* YAOI EQUALS NESS!! [-coughs- yeah…that's an inside joke right there…]

 

Chapter 1-In Which There are Many Questions That are Followed by Curses

 

Somewhere not deep in the heart of the South Jersey Pine Barrens, there was a school of minnows swimming in the cedar-stained, tea-like water of the local `lake'. The water itself was actually just a bulge in the river, but it was a popular swimming site for many people.

 

The aforementioned minnows were avoiding the nets of many small, sadistic children who wanted to catch them and take them home for pets. Half of their problems were solved by a small group of fisher birds that swooped down--despite the shallow water and many children present--and ate most of them in one go. Those poor, poor fishies.

 

 

In a suburban South Jersey neighborhood 47 minutes and 31.9 seconds away from the lake and its minnow massacre, a girl sat typing on her computer. She giggled hysterically in a very insane manner and continued typing, an evil gleam in her brown eyes. Wavy black hair was pulled back messily into a loose ponytail at the base of her neck, trailing down to her mid back.

 

There was a knock on her bedroom door and she hastily minimized the word document she had been typing in before calling, “What do you want?”

 

A brown-and-blonde-streaked head poked around the door. “Nee-chan, are you gonna come down for bashing?” it asked.

 

Turning off the computer monitor, the girl in the chair spun around nodding. “Yeah, I'll be down in a minute. Let me put on some pjs.”

 

Caryn shucked off her cut-off capris and hand-drawn/painted Gundam Wing shirt. Slipping on a pair of flannel pants and an old t-shirt saying `I <3 Yaoi', she threw on a pair of slippers and headed downstairs into the rec-room (or basement).

 

“Took you long enough,” the two-tone haired girl said as Caryn flopped down on one end of the couch.

 

“Shut up, Amber. I was working on your birthday fic so don't get smart with me.”

 

“I heard more giggling than typing. Should it scare me, then, that you were working on my story?” Amber asked, a sarcastic gleam in her dark brown eyes.

 

Caryn shrugged and turned on the tv. “I was working with Melpomene [1] tonight.”

 

“Oh god that doesn't bode well for anyone.”

 

“Oh gee thanks. Nice to know you trust my writing skills.”

 

A third girl came hurtling down the stairs, leaping the last four to land in the middle of the rec room floor.

 

Flat on her ass.

 

“Ow! Damn that hurt!”

 

Caryn raised an eyebrow. “What did you expect, for it to tickle?”

 

Getting up slowly and making her way to the middle seat of the couch, the girl glared. “Shut up, bitch.”

 

“Fuck you, whore.”

 

“I'd rather not, thank you, skank. You can do that on your own.”

 

“It wasn't an offer, it was a suggestion of something you should go do to yourself.”

 

Amber sighed. “Both of you shut the hell up. Kate, it's your turn to pick an anime.”

 

The girl in the middle leapt up, heading unerringly towards the shelf of anime the three girls had collected over the years. She scratched at her head just below a messy bun of reddish brown hair. “Hmm…We just did Gundam Wing last week, and Sailor Moon the week before that…”

 

Caryn chucked a stuffed R2-D2 from the shelf above the couch at Kate's head. “Just pick something!”

 

Kate grabbed the doll and flung it back, glaring. “Keep that up and I'll go slower.” Her hazel eyes returned to the rows of anime. X/1999, Tokyo Babylon, Inuyasha, Card Captor Sakura, Saiyuki, Yami no Matsuei, Cowboy BeBop, .hack//sign, Pretear, Fullmetal Alchemist, Full Metal Panic, Ronin Warriors, D N Angel—“Aha!” Kate grinned and grabbed a bunch of dvds from the shelf. “It's the Ronins tonight, love!” she said, popping in the first disc while the other two stared. Kate was bouncing where she crouched, setting up the dvd player.

 

“Kate, are you okay?” Amber asked.

 

The girl only nodded, pulling off her Inuyasha hoodie and tossing it off to the side.

 

Caryn just shook her head with a sigh. “She's in love with, like, half the characters, Amber.”

 

“Oh yeah.”

 

Kate laughed. “You can't NOT love Cye. It's impossible.”

 

Amber blinked. “You know, I've never really watched Ronin Warriors.”

 

“You're not missing much, really. It's an 80's anime. Trust me. It's like Sailor Moon Gets a Gender Change and A New Setting,” Caryn replied with a sweat drop.

 

Kate was gaping at Amber. “And I call you my friend!”

 

Caryn raised an eyebrow at the screen. “We're watching the dub?” she asked, looking at Kate. “I thought you like Cye's Japanese VA.”

 

“I do,” Kate replied. “His is the kind of voice that could read the phone book and keep me listening. But the dub is easier to make fun of.”

 

“Ahh.”

 

Amber just stared at the screen, slightly scared.

 

And so began the three friends' ritualistic Friday-night-into-Saturday-morning gathering, fondly called “Bash Night”. Each week, someone would select an anime and they would watch it, making fun of anything and everything throughout the series. Nothing was sacred on these nights—especially if they had had sugar in any form prior to the event.

 

Kate laughed and hit play, immediately beginning to nit pick as the narrator started.

 

Narrator: Five fantastic battle-armored samurai…

Voices in the background: Ronin Warriors!

 

“They aren't actually samurai.” (kate)

 

“But he says they are! It must be true, for the Narrator knows all!” (Caryn)

 

Narrator: Together they face the otherworldly forces of the eeevil Dynasty.

Voices: The power's in the armor!

 

“I like how he draws out the “e” in evil.” (amber)

 

Narrator: Calling on the spirits of ancient samurai warriors…
Ryo Voice Over: Dao Jin!
Voices: The power's in the armor!

 

“Wait, wait, wait. If they're fantastic battle-armored samurai, why do they need to call on the spirits of other ancient samurai?” (Caryn)

 

“Because the dubbing on this sucks?” (amber)

 

“Yeah, I much prefer the song that is supposed to be playing. It's prettier and not so grating on the nerves.” (kate)

 

Narrator: All five have been given super-powered fighting skills and weapons to wield against this tyranny.

*Kento's armor appears on screen* Kento: Justice!
*Cye's armor pops up* Rowen: Life!

 

“Wait…Cye's virtue isn't life!” (Caryn)

 

“What really gets me is that in the second episode they all switch voices.” (Kate)

 

*Sage's armor appears* Sage: Wisdom!

 

“Courtesy!” (kate)

 

“Lecher!” (caryn)

 

“Hey now…” (amber) “Don't diss the pretty one.”

 

*Rowen's armor, yadda yadda* Cye: Trust!

Sage: To arms!

 

“Isn't Ryo suppose to say that?” (Caryn)

 

“Ryo's the black-haired one, right? In the red bikini?” (amber)

 

“It's sub-armor, Amber, but yeah. That's him.” (kate)

 

Rowen: To arms!

 

“…Didn't Sage just yell that?” (amber)

 

“Mmhmm.” (kate)

 

Narrator: Heroes, pushed to the limits.

Voices: Ronin Warriors!

 

“Limits? Damn, those are some pussy-ass limits. They get their asses kicked in every episode at least once!” (Caryn)

 

“You said it yourself, it's an 80's anime. That's the way it was done then.” (amber)

 

“Like with Sailor Moon.” (kate)

 

Anubis: Quake with fear!

 

“QUACK WITH FEAR!!” (Kate)

 

*quacking sounds courtesy of Caryn and Amber*

 

Narrator: A struggle between good and evil…

Voices: The power's in the armor!

Narrator: And the fate of humanity hangs in the balance.

 

“Wow, if the fate of humanity is left up to them, I'm pretty scared.” (Amber)

 

“I'd be better off dead.” (Kate)

 

The Ronins (en masse): Dao Jin!

 

“…” (Caryn)

 

“What?” (Amber)

 

“Isn't `Dao Jin' Ryo's virtue-transformation-thing?” (Caryn)

 

“Yeah. Don't ask me why they all yelled it, I don't know, nor do I want to.” (Kate)

 

And so continued the bashing.

 

~Five minutes later~

 

Yuli appears on screen with his parents, looking at skateboards.

 

“You know that Yuli's just trying to figure out what the name of that color is.” (Kate)

 

Yuli's mom: *harassing her son* ..we still need to go shopping, go have dinner, and then make it to the show…

 

Yuli: *completely ignoring her*

 

“Damn, bitch! Let the boy choose a skateboard! It's not like he gets to have it for very long!”(Caryn)

 

Yuli's dad: Calm down, honey! I want him to pick the one he wants.

 

“See?!” (Caryn)

 

Yuli: I want this one! *huggles skateboard, drops it and hops on* See ya! *rolls off*

 

“…Did he just shoplift that skateboard?” (amber)

 

“Yeah. Listen, we never said he was smart. A pain in the ass, definitely. Useful? Well, he has the Jewel of Life-but that's not till later-…really, all he's good for thus far is getting in the way and being a kidnapee.” (kate)

 

Yuli: Woo! Smokin'…

 

“…” (Caryn)

 

“I can run faster than that.” (amber)

 

“Most people can.” (kate)

 

“What the fuck was that?” (amber)

 

“Yuli falling off his skateboard because he's uncoordinated and stupid as hell?” (Caryn)

 

“Oh, oh, it's the talking tiger!” (Kate)

 

“What is a tiger doing in…wherever this is?” (amber)

 

“That's Whiteblaze. He's Ryo's pet. And this is downtown Toyama.” (kate)

 

“…”(Caryn) “What is up with his hair?”

 

“I think it's a mullet.” (amber)

 

“Oh just wait. Their hair all gets better.” (kate)

 

“Was that sarcasm? I can't tell with you anymore.” (Caryn)

 

“Yes.” (kate)

 

“Oh god. That does not bode well for these poor guys' hair.” (amber)

 

~A few hours later~

 

“Kate…what are you doing?” (amber)

 

“…what does it look like?” (kate)

 

“Like you're molesting the tv. Move, I can't see.” (Caryn)

 

“I'm hugging it, thankyouverymuch, and no, I won't.” (kate)

 

Suddenly, the lights in the room flickered out and the light bulb in the lamp by the couch exploded. Emitting a small scream of surprise, Amber froze as she was showered with fragments of light bulb.

 

“What was that?” Caryn asked, looking around frantically. “Amber, are you okay?”

 

“Um…Guys…HELP!” Kate was stuck to the tv, which appeared to be still turned on, judging by the swirling, bruise-colored vortex that appeared to be on it. Giving it more thought, Caryn realized that the Ronins episode they had been on didn't include swirling, bruise-colored vortexes, so she got up and walked over to Kate.

 

“What the fuck did you do?!” She asked, smacking kate on the back of the head.

 

“I'M BEING SUCKED IN, DAMNIT! HELP ME!” Kate screamed back angrily.

 

Upon closer inspection, Caryn discovered that Kate was slowly being drawn into the vortex-thing. Her arms were already in and her head was close to it. “What the hell do you want me to do, just pull you back?”

 

“THAT WOULD BE NICE, BITCH!”

 

“Bitch? Oh, gee, well, fuck you, whore!”

 

Amber got up carefully, brushing herself off and walking over. “What the fuck did you do?!” she asked, smacking Kate on the back of the head as well.

 

“Not you, TOO! Come on, just pull me back!”

 

“Like hell I will! I'm a bitch, remember?”

 

“YES, YOU ARE A BITCH, WE ESTABLISHED THAT FACT LONG AGO!! NOW GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

 

“No.”

 

Amber watched helplessly. Sighing, she grabbed the back of Kate's pajama shirt, pulling.

 

“GACK! You're choking me!”

 

“Oh, sorry.”

 

Kate sighed, her head hanging close to the screen. “Why does this crap always happen to me?” she asked no one in particular.

 

“Because God hates you,” Caryn replied promptly, raising an eyebrow.

 

“Yeah, I noticed, bit-“ Kate was cut off as her head got pulled in.

 

With a large `SLUP' sound, so was the rest of her.

 

Caryn blinked at the vortex still swirling innocently just in front of the screen. “That was really, really weird.”

 

“I…Yeah.” Amber paused. “Should we go after her?”

 

“Why? All she'll do is destroy some things, maybe drive a few people insane.”

 

“But we'll get stuck with damage costs.”

 

“Shit.”

 

“Shall we?”

 

Caryn heaved a huge sigh. “I suppose we should.” She turned to the…thing…and took a deep breath. “Three…two…one…Heads up!” she called, diving head first into the spinning purple-ish portal-vortex thing. She disappeared quickly.

 

Amber stared at the thing dubiously, only to notice that it was slowly shrinking. “God damnit, Kate, you better be glad you're my fucking friend!” she said angrily, pushing her way through into the portal.

 

---

[1] Melpomene—One of Greek mythology's Thrice Three Muses (meaning there's nine of them). She is the Muse of Tragedy and is symbolized by a tragic mask or sword. Exactly why Caryn was giggling while working with a Tragedy muse is a question better left unanswered.