Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ [MSTing] Finding Your Place ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Mystery Science Cinema 3001 show 207, reel 1:

"Finding Your Place"
(A Rurouni Kenshin fanfic)

MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison and Megane 6.7

==

Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property
of and (c) 2001, 2009 by Best Brains, Inc. Rurouni Kenshin is the
property of Nobuhiro Watsuki, Shueisha, and Shonen Jump.

"Finding Your Place" is the property of PurpleWitchyAngel and used
with permission. This is intended as a parody, not intended to be
taken offensively. Hopefully, enough C&C shall be gleaned from
these riffs to actually make this a worthwhile product.

All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their
respective owners and creators.

==

---Satellite of Love

"So, what's the hurry Mike?" Tom Servo, a small robot with gumball
machine for a head asked the human behind him.

Mike Nelson shook his head. "It's not me, it's Crow. He's got
something up."

Crow T. Robot rushed in from the right, pointing to the papers on
the desk. "Okay, guys, I really need your help. See, I've got this
project..."

"This project?" Tom interrupted, as he skimmed over Crow's notes.
"This project has been stale since 2004, never seeing anything new
or different."

"The same old jokes, nothing ever resolved properly," Mike mused
along with Tom. "Originality drained from it years ago. It's like
expecting Nirvana to reform and play new riffs."

Crow huffed. "C'mon, you guys, give it a chance! We've had it
around for years, and every new installment is something different!
And they're all funny..."

"Only if you have hardcore amnesia, Crow. Give it up... what's
next, the four billionth re-re-revised script of 'Earth vs. Soup?"
Tom asked sarcastically.

"That old thing? It was already produced in Japan." Crow remarked
proudly. He nudged a video box on the desk, which Mike held up to
Cambot. It said, 'Digimon XP: Earth Vs. Soupomon'"

"Oh, THAT thing! I always wondered where that idiotic sequel came
from," Tom Servo mused.

Mike scratched his head. "Umm... what sequel, Tom?"

"'Soupomon Returns'. Man, that was a turd..."

Mike groaned as Crow moved between the two. "So, come on, help
me out. Do it for me, for old times' sake?"

"Oh, come on Crow!" Tom protested. "The genre's dead. Let it go."

"But I can't!" Crow pleaded. "It's been so much fun for so many
years! Just think where it started... 'Scary Movie', then 2, then 3,
then 4... then Epic Movie, and Superhero Movie, and Meet the Spartans
and..."

"An American Carol." Tom stated flatly.

"Yeah, that thing," Mike added. "Don't you think that's enough
parody, Crow?" Mike asked.

"Aww, come on... I've got cards, we can do an improv script!" Crow
wheedled. Mike picked up one of the cards on the desk and held the
other in front of Tom's face. "Just follow the directions on the
card. Mike, I need an impossible scenario to work with. And no Will
Ferrell."

"The Mads are calling," Mike observed.

"I said impossible, not absolutely definitely not-happening ever."

Mike shook his head. "No, really Crow, they're calling."

"No way!" Tom marveled.

As Mike hit the button, a piercing screech sounded through the SOL.


---Deep Thirteen

"Greetings, proles... AHEM, GREETINGS PROLES!" Dr. Forrester
yelled through the microphone to overcome the beeping over the feed.
"ARE YOUR HOT POCKETS DONE YET??"

Mike jumped up and fiddled in the corner for a few seconds. The
beeping trailed off to nothing. "Sorry, Dr. F, that's our invention
today.

"Hey, you know the rules. Beauty before age..." Dr. F taunted.

"Dr. F, where's the flunky? Oh geez, don't tell me we're in Season
Seven now!?" a horrified Tom exclaimed.

"No no, he qualified for a bailout a few days ago. The moron decided
that he needed a copy of "Pokemon Platinum", and the thugs from
Nintendo got him..." Dr. F shook his head. "Unfortunately, there's no
credit even for bail bonds." Dr. F reached below the counter and
pulled out a plate of chocolates. "That's fine though, boys, we've
got a special treat for today!"

"Before Frank left, I made him the guinea pig for my latest
invention. I took a flavor from the past, mixed it with a current
taste treat, and voila! New, from Deep 13 kitchens: Clayton's
Salmonella Peanut Butter Swine Flu Cups!" He pulled on a long rubber
glove to grab one of the chocolates. "Halloween will finally have
a payoff!"


Mike and the robots cringed as the beeping started again. Mike
retreated back to the corner, but grabbed the device that was causing
it. "OUR INVENTION FOR TODAY..." Mike trailed off, as the beeping
stopped once more. "Err, yeah, our invention for today is the 'Fic
Warner."

"Yeah, it can sense a bad fanfic coming from... well, you're on Earth
and we're in space! Figure it out!" Crow remarked.

"So that's what that thing was!" Tom exclaimed. "Why did it keep
going off once or twice every few months?"

"False alarms," Mike said. "It's almost like it expected Dr. F to
have sent something by now... what was the holdup, anyway?" Mike
mused.


"Well, Mike, finding stuff this bad takes time. We've got a new
'fic for you today, it's a Rurouni Kenshin 'fic. At least, that's
what it claims. Who am I to argue? Welcome to 'Finding Your Place'.
For me, it's here watching you guys read stuff like this! Send 'em
the fic, Steve."

All three denizens of the Satellite stared.

"Oh yeah, I'm Steve. Just a second now," Dr. F rummaged around
near the chocolates tray. "Here we go!" In his jubilation, he hit
the tray and upended all the candy on it. "Oh, poopy."


As the 'Fic Warner kept going off, so did the sirens. "Whoa, we've
actually got fic sign! You know, I almost missed the old girl...
really takes me back... yep, I could just listen to those sirens
for... waaaaah?!" Crow yelped as Mike yanked him by his net and
dragged him towards the theater.


>Finding Your Place

Tom: G12... G13... G14... gee, right next to the screaming baby.
Lucky me.


>Prolog: Bloodshed

Crow: Cool, we're riffing a McBain film!


>"What is the meaning of this?!" The red haired, amber eyed, woman
>demanded as a dozen or so men barged into the small house.

Tom, Mike: <men, in unison> We're looking for Mis-ter An-der-son.


>"You are Himura Kentai are you not?" A rather tall man with short
>brown hair asked, obviously the ring leader.

Mike: This is going to end with Bruce Willis on a beach, isn't it?
Tom: One bling to rule them up all in it, y'all and in the hoodie bind
'em suckas!


>"Who wants to know?!" A spunky eight year old girl asked.

Mike: OK, I call no Lou Grant impressions...
Crow: Who?
Mike: Damn, I'm old.


>"Kenzie stay out of this! I'll handle it!" Her mother warned. Kenzie
>closed her mouth but scoffed and glared at the men with her violet-
>gold eyes.

Crow: That's quite a nasty case of allergies.
Tom: Anime enough for you, folks?


>"Now answer my question." Kentai ordered then took out the sword her
>big brother had given her. "What are you doing here? What do you want
>with us?"

Crow: <tall man> Umm, didn't you see the subtitle for the prologue?


>"Where's the Battousai?" The leader demanded with venom in his voice.

Tom: Down the hall, first door on your left.
Mike: <Kentai> Did you check behind the couch?
Crow: <Kentai> He said that he was going out for milk. Nine years ago.


>"I don't know what you're talking about! It's not like I know the
>Hitokiri Battousai personally! What makes you think I do?!" Kentaichi
>answered glaring at the men who invaded her house.

Mike: <man> A-ha! Here's his toothbrush, boss.


>Katsu, I could really use your help right about now. She thought to
>herself, wishing her fiancé was there.

Mike: <tall man> Hey, that's our wish! Get your own!
Tom: Kentai, Kenzie, Kentaichi... I'm guessing Japan doesn't use the TV
Guide to name their kids?
Crow: <tall man> Okay, Ken, you hold down Ken while the rest of us search
for Ken.


>"You lie, wench! You can either tell us where the Battousai is or suffer
>the consequences!" The dangerous man offered.

Crow: <Man> Death by secondhand smoke!
Mike: <Man> We're going to kill you until you die from it!


>"I told you! I don't know what you're talking about!" Kentai began to
>slightly panic.

Tom: Her palms were like... clammish, and she shook like she drank decaf
that morning.


>Her fighting skills were ok but she could in no way defeat twelve men
>with swords.

Crow: Uma Thurman laughs at your weakness. LAUGHS!
Mike: She needed the Jamie Lee Curtis memorial MAC-10.


>"Fine, if you will not tell us then you shall die!" The man unsheathed
>his sword and charged at the beautiful mother of two, the others soon
>followed.

Crow: <random man> Hold up! I haven't finished my coffee!
Mike: <random man> Should I go now... or you...?
Tom: <random man> Oops, gotta go, mom! Yeah, yeah, loaf of bread,
gallon of milk, got it... yes, I love you too, mom! Seriously, I
gotta go!


>Kentai tried to defend the children and herself but there was just too
>many of them.

Mike: <Kentai> I just HAD to go for an even dozen.


>Sensei, Katsu, where are you?! She thought to herself and then struck
>down.

Tom: <Kentai> Fifty bucks and time served. *whack* Next case!


>"Momma!" The brownish-red haired, four-year-old boy yelled and ran to
>his mother, tears in his amber eyes.

Mike: <Man> Aww, crap, did we just become villains in yet another
Dragonball series?
Crow: Suddenly I have an urge to watch a Shaw Brothers picture.


>"No, Ryoshin, wait!" Kenzie yelled and was quickly at her mother's
>side as well. "Mother?" She asked worry in her voice, but not letting
>on she wanted to cry.

Tom: There's stoic and there's stupid.
Crow: <man> Go ahead, have your tender death scene. We'll grab lunch.


>"Kenzie, protect your brother until Master Hiko gets here." Kentai
>breathed quietly.

Tom: <Kentai> T-Transform now, little one... become a magical girl and
fulfill your destiny...


>"I will Momma but . . . you . . . you'll be alright . . . won't you
>Momma?" Kenzie said, wiping tears away from her eyes.

Crow: No, really, what the hell is taking these guys so long to kill
the kids? Are "Home Alone" rules in effect or something?
Tom: The constant paint can ambushes are slowing them down considerably.


>"Kenzie, listen to me . . . you must find your uncle. You . . . you
>must find your uncle Shinta!"

Crow: <Kentai> NOT your Uncle Buck, got it?
Mike: <Kentai> Tell him to bring Gizmo and some twinkies!


>True Kenshin and Kentia were not blood siblings, but they were both
>raised by Master Hiko that way. "Ryoshin, Kenzie, I . . . I love
>you . . . very much." And with those last words Kentai Himura
>was gone.

Tom: How fricking profound.
Mike: <Kenzie> Don't you DARE die without at least telling me the
child-lock on the premium channels!


>Ryoshin cried over the death of his mother. For Kenzie it brought
>sadness, anger, and hatred to her heart.

Mike: For most of the goons, just mild indigestion and the heartbreak
of psoriasis.
Tom: I've heard that the 81-milligram aspirin can help reduce the
occurrences of sadness, anger, and hatred.


>"You . . . you bastard! You killed my mother!" Kenzie screamed,
>her eyes turning bright gold for a second.

Mike: <Kenzie> I just inherited a fortune! Thanks!


>"This is precisely why we don't need any witnesses." The tall,
>brown haired man said with a smirk.

Tom: What with them WITNESSING everything and all.


>With that being said Kenzie quickly grabbed her mother's blood
>stained sword and swung violently at anyone that was in her way.

Crow: Not exactly the tip that the Pizza Hut guy expected.


>A few men grabbed her; two of them held her fast while another
>began chocking Kenzie to death.

Crow: <Kenzie> Damn... these... prologues...
Tom: Chocking?
Mike: Yeah, you wouldn't want her to roll down the hill and smash
into someone's car, right?


>She noticed out of the corner of her eye one of the men stabbed
>Ryoshin, possibly in the heart.

Mike: Or the left lung, she'd have to perform an autopsy to be sure.
Crow: <Kenzie> Ha! They needed THREE men to murder me, you wuss!


>Kenzie screamed as the darkness over took her just as Hiko Sensei
>and Katsuhiko arrived.

Crow: <Hiko> Oops, did we come back too early? Come on, Katsuhiko,
let's go grab a Baconator.


>Finding Your Place

Tom: Where the hell is my mark!? Director!
Crow: Yeah, especially after you get up to find some Cheetos, and
someone moves to your spot on the couch... that bastard.


>Chapter 1: The Rurouni's Festival

Mike: Huzzah and good even, welcome to ye olde pub, where thine
mead is fresh and thy meat is filthy. Does thouith desire a
strumpet to boon?
Crow: *Rurouni*, not Renaissance.
Mike: Somehow I doubt it's any cooler.


>@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@Two years after prolog@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@

Tom: Scene change or staring contest? You be the judge!


>Kenshin bolted straight up in bed, sweat drenching his red hair.
>*I heard a scream! I know that I did!*
>"Miss Kaoru!" Kenshin said worriedly and franticly ran to her room.
>"Miss Kaoru?!" He said again as he swung open her door.

Tom: <Kaoru> Hey, I'm waxing my legs! Can't you knock first?


>Finding Kaoru there and in health he sighed.
>
>"Kenshin?" Kaoru asked sleepily rubbing her eyes. "What's wrong?"
>she yawned.

Crow: <Kaoru> Did you have another cliché?
Mike: <Kenshin> Yep and if this ends up being a dream within a
dream, I'll have collected the whole set!


>"Nothing Miss Kaoru. You should go back to sleep that you should."

Crow: <Kenshin> Yes, I agree. Absolutely. I concur. Then we're
unanimous? Indeed.


>Kaoru looked at him skeptically and yawned again, mumbling
>something as Kenshin quietly closed the door.

Mike: <Kaoru> *mumble* ...Lost... Vikings... *mumble* ...


>*If it was not Miss Kaoru then who was it that screamed? I must
>have been dreaming that I must have. It just sounded so real.*

Tom: <Kenshin> So unlike the delivery of my lines.
Crow: Nah, that's just Wilhelm. They kill and they kill and he
just won't die.


>Kenshin sighed again and went back to his own room, but still
>curious as to whether the scream was a >dream . . . or real.

Mike: Rather lackluster opening for Ghostbusters III, isn't it?
Tom: Hey, once the theme song kicks in, it's all good.
Mike: And when the theme song's over?
Tom: Pure unadulterated pain.
Mike: Ahh.


>@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@

Tom: <singing> Them tumbleweeds just keep tumblin' along...
*twang twang*...
Mike: If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you
can find them, maybe you can hire... the @-Team.


>That morning Kenshin still had his dream imbedded in his mind.

Crow: <Kenshin> Pull it out! I smell burnt toast!
Tom: Dennis Quaid is getting too old for this crap.


>But it was a nice day. The trees had barely begun to shed their
>leaves which meant in only a few short days

Mike: Store everywhere would put up their Halloween decorations
months ahead of time!
Crow: It's never too early for a pumpkin!


>it would be the Rurouni's Festival or the Festival of Wonderers.

Crow: <author> Or something. Look, I can't decide! Leave me alone!
Mike: That's weird, every time I see one of those things it's
sponsored by the SCA.
Tom: <Kenshin> Huzzah de gozaru!


>It is for all traveling people, whether they are loners or bands,
>to come together for one fun filled week of games, contests,
>food, and shows.

Crow: And if the bushes chuckle and you see police badges, just
get more plastered!
Mike: Wait a minute, that's Canada's Wonderland! FAKE! FAKE!!!


>"I hate this time of year." Saito said mumbling to himself.
>"Oh, how so?" Kenshin questioned.

Tom: <Saito> School sucks, man.


>"To much work to do with the festival and all. Too many people to
>deal with." Saito answered.

Tom: <Saito> You wouldn't friggin' believe how many people hate clowns.
Crow: <Saito> I'm going to stop guessing their weight altogether and
just hand out prizes. Save my face from further abuse.


>"I really quiet enjoy it that I do." Kenshin said with a smile.
>
>"You've been too happy lately . . . more so then usual." Saito
>inquired. "May I ask why?"

Mike: Kenshin just learned the joys of freebasing.


>"I have not told you?!" Kenshin said excitedly. "I asked Miss Kaoru
>to marry me a couple of weeks ago."

Tom: <Kenshin> I couldn't afford express mail but my letter should
reach her any day now!
Crow: It's part of his citywide campaign.


>Saito rolled his eyes. "How she's going to put up with you, I'll
>never know."
>
>"Oro?"

Crow: <Saito> Case in point.


>@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@

Mike: If you feed that code to your Playstation, it'll hop up and
yell, "Johnny Five is ALIVE!"
Tom: Remember folks, help control the alpha numeric population, have
your @'s spayed or neutered...


>"Hiko, I'm back. There was a letter that arrived at the Aoiya for
>you."

Crow: <Hiko> Dammit, tell Kenshin that I'M NOT MARRYING HIM.
Mike: <Hiko> Hasn't Ed McMahon died yet?


>Ariannah said as she walked into the small house. Hiko gave her a
>questioning look. "What?"

Tom: <Ariannah> The miracles of modern postism!


>"I told you not to go out without the children or me with you.

Tom: <Hiko> Especially the children. They come in handy as shields,
you can pick 'em up and everything.


>You still have the bounty on your head you know." Hiko said
>scolding the women.

Crow: <Ariannah> Don't worry, I can smell Dog about three towns over.


>"I don't need a chaperone Hiko! I can take care of myself!" Ariannah
>yelled back at the older man.

Crow: Until that fateful day that Ariannah remembers, the postman
always rings twice.


>"Just as you took care of yourself from those men?!" Hiko said
>sounding disturbed at the thought of what they did to her.

Mike: <Hiko> Next time someone comes to the door with a smile and a
vacuum, tell them to please go the hell away. 'Kay?


>"Hiko?" Ariannah said with obvious hurt. Hiko stood from his spot on
>the floor and walked over to Ariannah by the door.

Crow: <Hiko> Sorry, I didn't know I locked it. Your nose okay?
Tom: Wait, did this just become a Gloria Gainer song?


>"I don't understand Hiko. You let me stay here and you protect me. And
>yet . . . you've never tired to touch me.

Mike: Someone doesn't exactly understand "kidnapping/extortion",
does she?
Tom: How one misplaced letter can change a whole sentence, part
eighty- five... The Dirty Old Man.
Mike: He'll be groping her from the grave.


>If you don't want me for your own pleasure then why do you let me
>stay here?

Mike: <Hiko> Comic relief and clean counters.
Crow: <Hiko> Well, you can't have an intervention by yourself, now
can you!?


>Why didn't you just turn me in and get your money?"

Tom: <Hiko> I'd rather pay the 35 cents a month overdue fees.
Crow: <Hiko, shaking head> Dammit, I lost the receipt.


>A few months ago Ariannah ran away from a brothel.

Mike: <Ariannah> Hey, come back and pay your bill, deadbeat!
Tom: <Hiko> Can't catch me! Nyahhh!


>Hiko had saved her from some men that were after her for the bounty
>she had on her head.

Mike: What'd she do, castrate the magistrate?
Tom: The men were all vying for the role of the quickest pick-her
upper.
Crow: <Hiko> Clean up your own spill, varmints.


>Hiko looked straight into the 25 year olds blue-green eyes.

Tom: *sigh*... Japanese, eh?


>"Ari I . . ." Hiko was cut off as Kenzie and Ryoshin came in and
>turned to them. "You're late."

Crow: <Hiko> See that clock? Thirty-two minutes. Gimme my free
pizza and screw your tip.
Mike: <Kenzie> Sorry, we had to run Owen Wilson out of town again.


>"After we left from our visit to momma we went and said hello to
>Aoshi-san." Kenzie informed her master. "He said you had a letter
>but that Auntie Ari picked it up."

Tom: <Ariannah> Old habits die hard.
Mike: Scenes at Yahoo! Mail, take eight...


>"The letter! I almost forgot! Here Hiko." Ariannah handed Master
>Hiko a cream colored paper with his name on the front.

Mike: It's an engraved invitation to get on with the plot.


>*I know this hand writing.* Hiko thought as he carefully opened
>the letter.

Crow: <Hiko> It's mine! Dammit, I forgot the stamp again!


>To my Dear Sensei,

Tom: <Kenshin> I struck first. I struck hard. I got life.


>How are you? I am good that I am.

Crow: Good and drunk.
Mike: This must be the Engrish translation of Nabokov's "Lolita".


>Two years have passed since I last saw you and a lot have happened
>that it has.

Tom: <Kenshin> I'm wearing a blue shirt now so this must be the sequel.
Crow: Kenshin must've just received a shipment of helping verbs.


>I am now engaged to Miss Kaoru and I would like you to be at our
>wedding that I would. I have already informed the Obiwabanshu and
>Aoshi said they'd be there.

Tom: <Kenshin> My wedding, featuring the musical stylings of Heart!
Tito and Jermaine Jackson! Peter Frampton! And hosted by Bobcat
Goldthwait!


>The wedding will be soon after the Rurouni's Festival. Please come.

Crow: Bring your own bride
Mike: <Kenshin> If you don't see me, don't worry... I'll come after
the ceremony. It's kind of a tradition, y'see...


>Your pupil and son,
>
>Himura (Shinta) Kenshin
>
>*Even when he writes he talks like that.* Hiko thought and rolled
>his eyes.

Crow: Hey, bub, go riff your own MSTing.
Tom: <Hiko> Let's see how well I can draw a middle finger...


>"Ryo would like to know what it says, Sensei." Kenzie said. Ryoshin
>has not spoken since their mother died, only whispers to Kenzie.

Crow: <Ryoshin, whispering> For the love of God, give me a lozenge!


>"Your uncle's getting married." Hiko said casually
>
>"Really? Can we go?!" Kenzie asked excited.

Crow: <Hiko> Nah, the church still hasn't forgiven me for shaving in
the holy water.
Tom: I hope Stiffler's not invited this time...


>"Yes, hurry up and pack. Katsuhiko will be here in a bit.

Crow: <Hiko> What the hell do you NEED all this luggage for?
Mike: <Kenzie> I'm NOT leaving without my Bratz!
Crow: <Hiko> Three countries' worth??


>@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@

Tom: After the disappearance of Team Bravo, Team Alpha-Numeric was
beefed up and dropped by helicopter outside Spencer Mansion...


>"Papa! Papa Katsu wake up!" Kenzie yelled at her adopted father who
>was obviously having a bad dream.

Crow: <Katsu, dazedly> Waldos... Waldos everywhere.....
Mike: "Dallas" syndrome strikes again!


>"Huh, what? Kenzie, what are you doing up, Sweet Pea?"

Mike: <Kenzie> Well, I was sleeping peacefully in my bed when some
jackass starting screaming in his sleep and... oh.


>Katsu is only 12 years older then Kenzie, barely old enough to be
>their father.

Crow: Especially when he ended up in the same grade she did a few
years down the line.
Mike: We've somehow veered into "Party of Five" territory?


>He was four years younger then Kentai. But none of that matters
>when you're in love.

Mike: This sounds like a story problem for Baptists. "If your
father is only twelve years older than you are and he's four
years younger than your momma, how many years will they burn in
hell if they go dancing together?"


>She was a young mother of 24 when she died. The night of her death,
>Kentai was there to tell her `adopted' father Master Hiko that she
>and Katsu were going to be married.

Tom: Somebody call Jerry Springer.
Crow: This has the absolute stink of Dr. Sam Beckett somewhere around
here.


>After her death where else would the children have gone, but to their
>`adopted' father.

Mike: Ironically enough, their father JUST completed the class partner
project, where he cared for a bag of sugar for a week.
Tom: <Kentai> Damn you Cabbage Patch Kids! Can't you just take the
birth certificate back??


>"Ryo heard you having a bad dream and woke me to wake you." Ryoshin
>has not spoken much to anyone but Kenzie in the past 2 years.

Crow: Ryoshin was the type to let her middle fingers do all the
talking.
Tom: You just know that NBC's listening, trying to find ANYTHING to
bandage Monday nights with.


>"Were . . . were you dreaming of momma again?" Kenzie asked as tears
>began to form in the young man's eyes. "Please don't cry Papa Katsu.
>You'll make me cry."

Crow: This family moment brought to you by Bud. Which reminds you to
try to at least be legal to buy booze before fatherhood, eh?


>"I'll be alright, Sweet Pea. Now go back to bed. We'll have to get
>up early tomorrow if we want to make it to Tokyo before dusk. The
>day after tomorrow is the first day of the Rurouni's Festival and
>we don't want to be late for that now do we?"

Crow: Katsu signed up for crowd control this year, and he's trying
to get his Patrick Swayze face on.
Mike: <Kenzie> Oh yes, papa. I feel especially privileged to be the
fool this year. Luckily my allergic reaction to tomatoes only
manifests itself if I'm hit in the face and those drunks can't aim
for crap...


>Kenzie shook her head no and they both went back to sleep.
>
>@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@

Crow: On the rolling waterbed, surge of the seven seas!


>Kenshin sat warily on the porch watching the sun set.

Mike: <Kenshin> I'm totally blind now, but it was worth it!
Crow: Just a normal male, avoiding evening dish duty. Coward!


>"Kenshin?" Kaoru said as she walked out on the porch to check on
>her soon to be husband.

Tom: <Kenshin> Just let me enjoy my last sunset as a free man, woman!
Crow: Are you SURE this isn't a Ramen Western?


>"I'm sure he'll come." Kaoru said assuring as Kenshin continued to
>stare at the gate to the dojo.

Crow: <Kaoru> Though June may be a bit early for Santa, dear.
Tom: A watched plot never resolves.


>"I'm not so sure. Sensei's never been one for gatherings that
>he hasn't."

Crow: <Kenshin> Though he's always first on the floor when the
Twister mat comes out...
Mike: <singing> He hit the floor, next thing you know, Sensei got
low, low, low...


>Kaoru sat down next to Kenshin. "I'm sure because, because you are
>like family to him as he is to you. And even though you're his
>`Baka Denchi' I'm sure he'll come."

Tom: All Kenshin needs are the two magic words. "Free Bar".


>Kenshin sighed and looked at Kaoru who gave him a warm smile.
>Just then the gate to the dojo creaked open.

Crow: Oh, it's just M. Night Shyamalan. Go away! You're not
fooling us again!
Mike: Didn't you spray for those?


>It had gotten quite dark all of the sudden so they couldn't tell
>who it was. All they heard was the sound of pawing horse hoofs.

Tom: <Kaoru> Hey, we dropped the ring in the nearest mailbox!
Honest!
Mike: <Kenshin> Kaoru, why didn't you let Mare-E-Gold in after
she was done potty?


>Kenshin stood up and put a hand and his sword hilt. "Who's
>there?" He demanded.

Tom: <voice> Pizza... dude... man, why didn't you leave a
forwarding address??
Crow: Uh, hi, I'm the plot point you were expecting? I've been
locked out of the story for the past hour or so...


>"B-baka d-denchi." A small boy's voice came.

Mike: Huh? Switch the audio track, then I can understand him
and brush up on my Spanish!


>Finding Your Place

Tom: Dibs on the least crusty seat of the comfy couch!
Crow: You bastard, that was my spot!


>Chapter 2:The Reunion and a Question

Tom: <Boy> Isn't this your place? Aren't we going to have a
reunion?
Mike: <Kenshin> Hah! That's TWO questions!


>Kenshin stood up and put a hand and his sword hilt. "Who's
>there?" He demanded.

Crow: Previously on "Finding Your Place"...
Tom: <Kenshin> Advance and be interesting!
Mike: <boy> Uh yeah, is this the place? Is Raul... I mean, Rick
here yet?


>"B-baka d-denchi." A small boy's voice came, and then came a thud
>like one that would have come from hitting someone's head.

Tom: Kyoto Jackass.


>"Ow! W-w-what w-was that f-for?!" The boy said with an obvious
>speech impediment.

Crow: <boy> Gimme a break... the ol' man missed his mark again.
POPS! IT'S YOUR SIGN!


>"Oro?" Kenshin said now confused.
>
>"For being an idgit!" A girl's voice came.

Tom: <Kenshin> No, he's clearly a maroon.
Crow: Finally, conclusive proof this is dubbed.


>As they stepped out of the shadows and closer to the house Kenshin
>squinted to see who it was that was visiting them.

Mike: If it's Raymond's family, I'm out.
Crow: The Bible salesmen have a new strategy of approaching from the
setting sun.


>When Kenshin realized who they were his eyes went wide. Kentai!
>But . . . no that's Kenzie. And that must be little Ryoshin!
>Kenshin smiled a real smile.

Tom: Aww man, I hope we didn't just stumble into "3 Ninjas".
Crow: <Kenshin> Now we can celebrate Life Day properly!


>"I wish you children wouldn't argue so much." To Kenshin, an
>unfamiliar, woman's voice came. She had long jet black hair,
>porcelain skin, and blue-green eyes.

Tom: They finally pulled a drunk, hair-dyed Scarlett Johansson away
from Tokyo long enough...


>That's not Kentai that it isn't . . . Kenshin thought. "Kenzie,
>Ryoshin, come here my children!" Kenshin said, knelt down, and held
>out his arms.

Tom: <Kenshin> Big Bro only got probation, no having to sign up for
the sexual predators list!
Mike: <Kenzie> Daddy! We went to see a psy... psy... a nice lady
that helped us with our trauma!


>"U-uncle K-Kennie!" Ryo yelled and ran to his uncle right into his
>waiting arms.

Mike: Clothesline! Come on, dammit, how do I work the A button?


>Ariannah was astonished. She had yet to hear Ryoshin speak.
>Hearing his voice made her smile.

Crow: Did she remember to pull the cord?


>Kaoru on the other hand was alarmed at first but hearing Kenshin
>was only the children's uncle she relaxed a bit.


Mike: <Kaoru> My husband isn't cheating on me yet! I'm so relieved!


>"Hi, Uncle Kennie! Kenzie said and Kenshin gave her a big hug.
>"We've missed you!"
>
>"I've missed you too that I have."

Tom: <Kenzie> Wait, you're still doing that? Go away, you freak.


>"And I'm surprised! Ryo never talks, but he certainly is talkative
>now!" Kenzie gasped. "Uncle Kennie I almost forgot! This is Ariannah."

Crow: <Ariannah> You're not gonna raise me ten feet off the ground
a-are you?
Mike: <Kenshin> Ha ha! Heard that one, I have not.


>Kenzie said and pointed to the young black haired woman.
>
>"Auntie Ari f-for short." Ryo said with his lisp and stuttering words.

Crow: <Kenshin> Aren't you missing a few Von Trapps?


>"It's nice to meet you Miss Ariannah." Kenshin said and nodded to her.
>
>"It's nice to finally meet you too. I've heard so much about you."
>Ariannah answered back.

Tom: She just wanted to touch him to verify that he's not a robot.
Mike: Satisfied, she runs away screaming.


>"I hope all good that I do." Kenshin chuckled as well as Ariannah.
>"Oh that's right. Children where is Kentai? Where is your mother?

Crow: <Kenzie> In heaven, what a silly question!


>I do not see her that I don't." With that question all was silent.
>No one could say.

Mike: She also happens to be Schrodinger's mother.


>How could they tell Kenshin that his little sister, is only blood
>relative, was . . . dead?

Tom: <Kenzie> Hey, Kenshin, ever give any thoughts to making new
blood relatives?


>"Children!" Kenshin said in a more stern voice. "Where is your
>mother?"

Mike: <Kenzie> In front of a slot machine at The Venetian. Care
for a quest?


>Ryoshin winced and began to cry. The normally talkative Kenzie
>was speechless and looking anywhere but at Kenshin. "She's
>gone." Master Hiko said solemnly as he walked through the gate to
>the group of people.
>
>Kenshin was in shock. "Gone?! D-do you mean...?"

Tom: <Hiko> Yep. Next season of "Girls Next Door".
Crow: <Kenshin> Damn you, Hugh Hefner!
Mike: <Hiko> Actually, she sacrificed her life to save Hugh
Jackman. But don't worry, she'll be back... and completely
wasted... in the sequel.
Crow: Come on now, be fair... they all looked pretty wasted in
the sequel.


>Hiko nodded. "Kentai died protecting your name and the
>children two years ago; hence Kenzie's scar and Ryo's speech
>obstruction."

Mike: <Kenshin> She shouldn't have worried about those damn
kids... oh, sorry you guys!
Tom: <Kenzie> I got this scar during a mighty struggle!
Crow: With the pickle jar?


>Kenshin couldn't help but grieve.

Mike: Sadly, we're in the same boat.


>His only little sister was dead... because of him!

Crow: Oh hell, this is "Bridge to Terabithia II", isn't it?
Tom: <Kenshin> Thank goodness I still have three beefy sisters.
Mike: <Kaoru> Sorry, Kenshin, those are our dogs.


>"Excuse me." Kenshin bowed politely before running into the house
>and into his room.

Tom: <Kenzie> I can't believe I'm the most mature one here.
Mike: <Ariannah> Oh, shut up, poopiehead!
Crow: It's like being the tallest Verne Troyer impersonator.


>Kaoru called his name and followed after him.
>
>"I-I miss M-m-momma!" Ryo wailed. Ariannah went to comfort him.
>Kenzie just stared at the spot where Kenshin had stood.

Mike: <Kenzie> That hypocrite! He forces me to potty train and
he's not even housebroken!?


>@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@

Mike: BANG! *ding* BANG! *ding* BANG! *ding*
Tom: Another WINNAH!


>Tsukioka Katsuhiko was walking down a familiar street with thugs
>and gambling.

Crow: Booze hung out to his left and Prostitution took up the rear.
Mike: Hey-o!


>He knew exactly where he was going. He knocked on the door to his
>destination and when no one answered he shouted. "Open up you idiot!"

Tom: I'd bust my way in but I know I'm not home.
Crow: The door, as always, remained silent.


>"Katsu?" Sanosuke went to the door, opened it up and sure enough it
>was him.

Crow: "Imagine that." Sanosuke muttered as he slammed the door and
walked away.
Tom: <Sano> Dang, I didn't know this thing was magic! Jessica Alba!


>"Katsu you dog! What are you doing here? You didn't come to bomb
>anything again did you?" He teased his long-time friend.

Tom: <Katsu> Depends, is Shadaloo still working out of your basement?
Mike: <Katsu> Way ahead of you, bro. *hic*


>"We're in town for the festival and thought I'd stop by." Katsu said
>as Sano let him in.

Mike: <Katsu> Got any groceries? Maybe some tools you're not overly
attached to? How about I just save time and stretch out on your
couch now?


>"Nice place you got here." He said sarcastically as he looked around.

Mike: <Katsu> Do the cockroaches match the carpet?
Tom: <Katsu> Early post-modern Technicolor yawn?
Crow: <Sanosuke> You're right, the hallway's much nicer. *SLAM*


>"Sure if you don't mind the smell and the thugs outside." Sano said
>smoothly.

Crow: <Sano> I killed them three days ago and they're getting a
bit ripe.
Mike: <Sano> I guess I should open a window next time I cook
crank... whoops.


>Katsu chuckled. "Then I'm glad I didn't bring the kids. It really
>does smell in here."

Tom: <Sanosuke> The courts confiscated them again, eh?
Mike: <Katsu> No love was even less effective than tough love!


>He covered his nose; Kenzie, in Ryo could easily defend themselves
>from the oafs outside with Master Hiko's training.

Tom: So Ryo's a mobile suit now?
Crow: Didn't someone think to bring some oaf repellent?


>"Yeah, I guess I'm just use to it. Wait! Kids?! Since when..." Sano
>was dumbfounded.
>
>"It's a long story..." Katsu looked down saddened by the memory.

Crow: Tragic applesauce accident.
Mike; <Katsu> It all started with my untied shoelaces...


>"But kids Katsu? I only just saw you last year! I mean how?!"
>Sanosuke prodded.

Crow: <Katsu> They grow up so fast... No, seriously, I had NO idea
how literal that phrase actually was.


>"They're ten and six." Sano's jaw dropped.

Crow: <Sano> What the hell, man, they were supposed to win the
division!
Mike: <Katsu> Give 'em a break, they're only three points out!


>"They're father ran out on their mother before Ryo was born.

Tom: It was far kinder than telling them their REAL father was
Hayden Christensen.


>I... helped raise them both... Kentai and I were engaged.
>Kenzie and Ryo think of me as their real father.

Tom: <Katsu> Poor deluded saps.
Crow: <Katsu> Or at least the Monday, Wednesday, and Friday daddy.


>And now that their mother is gone..." Katsu trailed off and hung
>his head, hiding his face with his bangs.

Crow: <Katsu> I forgot my lines, I'm so ashamed.
Tom: <Katsu> Waitasecond... they were never mine anyway... what
the hell am I doing?!?


>"Katsu I'm... I'm sorry man." Sano said and put a comforting
>hand on his friends shoulder. Katsu didn't have to say anymore,
>Sano understood.

Mike: <Sano> I'll call the escort service, they'll give you a
good bereavement discount.
Crow: <Katsu, sniffling> C-Can I have a blonde?


>@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@
>
>"Kenshin?" Kaoru said as she slowly opened his door and found
>him weeping on the floor.

Tom: <Kaoru> The script read "sweeping", you farsighted primadonna.


>"Oh Kenshin." Kaoru went to him and held him close to comfort him.
>"I'm so sorry Kenshin." She said, starting to cry herself.

Crow: <Kenshin> Now who's method acting? Even twelve LA jurors
wouldn't believe it.


>"It's my fault... it's all my fault!" Kenshin kept mumbling between
>his sobs.

Tom: <Kaoru> I know, honey, I know.
Crow: <Kenshin> Yes and... wait, what?
Mike: The Academy would like to disavow any knowledge of the previous
scenes and disqualify all actors involved from Oscar contention. For
life.


>"No Kenshin... it's not your fault. It couldn't have been helped.
>Kenshin, look at me." Kenshin looked at Kaoru reluctantly.
>"She died defending you. Doesn't..."
>
>"Exactly! She shouldn't have had to!" Kenshin burst out, which made
>Kaoru wince.

Tom: <Kenshin> A girl died defending me! All the guys are gonna laugh!
Crow: This is like three steps below "General Hospital in the Park".


>Kenshin's looked softened and voice lowered after he saw her reaction.
>"I'm sorry... I just don't understand why. I don't deserve her
>sacrifice.

Tom: <Kaoru> We don't deserve half the things we get... AHAHAHAHAHA...
you're stuck here!


>She didn't deserve to die like that!" Kenshin angrily cried.

Crow: If only someone could, y'know, do something about it?
Mike: <Kenshin> She deserved to die from numerous bullet wounds after
unlocking a door for Neo!


>"Kenshin... it seems to me that Kentai loved you very much, And as
>she did, I would die for you as well."

Crow: <Kaoru> But if your peril involves anything other than a dozen
men with swords, you're on your own, bub.
Tom: I feel a Bon Jovi song coming on.


>Kenshin looked Kaoru straight into her blue-gray eyes. Old memories
>returned to Kenshin like the plague.

Mike: <snickers> When your fiancee reminds you of a Albert Camus
novel, it's time to see other people.
Crow: Kenshin then remembers that he already DID kill her, and
we're in the middle of Resident Evil 5.


>"I love you Kenshin. I'd do anything for you."
>"Kaoru, I love you too." Kenshin wrapped his arms around Kaoru
>bringing them closer.

Tom: Also known as a 'hug'.
Crow: Because of course this conversation was driving them apart?


>"No one should ever have to die on account of me again!" Kenshin
>vowed.

Mike: <Kaoru> But you promised you'd look for a job...!


>After staying in each other's for awhile Kenshin suddenly remember
>he had left their guests abruptly.

Mike: Find out if Cialis is right for you.


>"Children! Sensei! I had almost forgot!"
>
>Kaoru giggled, she had her normal Kenshin back. "We had better
>return to them then."
>
>"That we shall!" They gave each other a quick kiss and went out back
>to their guests.

Crow: <Kenzie> That was more tedious than "Love Story"!


>Finding Your Place
>Chapter 3:Thoughts and Feelings

Tom: Thanks, but we'll save our C&C for the end.
Mike: We are men, we know not these things of which you speak.


>"Hope you don't mind. We made ourselves at home." Ariannah said as
>Kenshin and Kaoru finally reappeared.
>
>"No, that's quit alright." Kaoru replied. "It was rude of us to leave
>you like that."

Tom: <Ariannah> That's okay, the Colonel kept yelling at us to stay
out of the shot.
Crow: <Kenzie> Uncka Kenshin, what's a "fluffer"?


>"Uncle Kennie! Uncle Kennie!" Kenzie shouted and together she and
>Ryo ran to Kenshin's waiting arms.

Tom: Deja poo.
Crow: Okay, which wiseguy called for retakes?
Mike: And the Dateline NBC people waited in the truck, anticipating
another catch.


>"Oh my children! How I missed you that I have! But there's something
>that just occurred to me. Surely you have not been living with Hiko
>Sensei all this time?" Kenshin asked.

Crow: The alcohol on their breath tipped him off.


>Hiko gave him the `are-you-nuts' look. The children giggled.
>
>"No Uncle, we've been living with Papa." Kenzie answered matter-of-
>factly.

Mike: <Kenzie> It's been Smurf-tastic!


>Kenshin was suddenly angered. He had known their biological father
>and vowed to punish him should he ever see him again.

Crow: What? Papa was a rolling stone?
Mike: <Kenshin, seething> It was the third of September... a day
I'll ALWAYS remember...


>"That bas..."
>
>"Baka denchi!'" Master Hiko snapped. "Their `Papa' that Kenzie
>speaks of is Tsukioka Katsuhiko."

Crow: Oh, that's fine, he's only 37th on Kenshin's "To Kill" list.
Mike: Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it?


>"Oro?" Kenshin was thoroughly confused again. Kenzie and Ryo giggled.
>
>"Katsu and Kentai were engaged to be married." Master Hiko was
>slowly getting annoyed.

Tom: <Hiko> Can't you keep track of your OWN story, you spaz?


>"So where is he?" Kenshin was still slightly confused.

Crow: Much like his child support payments, he's nowhere to be found.


>But at least the father issue was cleared up.

Tom: Thank heaven he Oxycuted it.


>"M-mr. R-r-rooster's." Ryoshin stuttered. Kenzie couldn't stop
>laughing.

Tom: <Foghorn Leghorn> You're late, I say, you're late with the
rent, boy!


>"I believe he is friends with Sanosuke Sagara." Master Hiko said
>now irritated.
>
>"Sano?!" Kenshin was a little surprised. "That Katsu!"

Crow: This fic desperately needs a flakey.


>Kenzie nodded her giggle fit fading. "Papa should be here
>soon too!" And as if on cue a voice came from outside. "Hello?"

Tom: <singing> Is it me you're lookin' for?
Mike: No Lionel, go away.
Tom: <singing> I can see it in your eyes...
Mike: STOP STALKING ME!!!


>"In here Papa!" Kenzie yelled as Sano and Katsu walked in.
>
>Sanosuke stared at the children.

Crow: <Sanosuke> They're like... LITTLE HUMANS!
Tom: <Sanosuke> They have your eyes! That's just creepy, man!


>"So these are your kids, Katsu?" Katsu opened his mouth to answer
>but was interrupted when Yahiko burst in.
>
>"Hey! What's going on here? Who are all these people? And what
>are they doing here?" Yahiko practically shouted in his usual
>loud voice.

Tom: <Yahiko> Aw hell, not another intervention! Get those cameras
off me!


>Everyone turned to look at him, glaring. Kenzie and Ryo just stared.

Crow: So much staring, you'd think this was a science fiction story.


>"Yahiko, be more considerate." Kaoru scolded. "These people are our
>guests. More important these children are Kenshin's niece and nephew."

Crow: <Yahiko> They're almost like little humans.
Mike: <Sanosuke> Yeah, I know.


>"How was I suppose to know that?!" Yahiko retorted. Everyone was
>getting really annoyed with Yahiko at this point, including Kenzie.

Tom: Where's Billy Quan when you need him?


>"You should have just ask nicely, dummy." Kenzie answered like a
>smart aleck.

Crow: <Kenzie> Like my Redd Foxx impression? I do a mean Grady too.
Good Goobly Goo!


>"Oh yeah! Who are you to tell me what to do?!" Yahiko roared
>getting in her face. When they realized they were only inches a
>part they both blushed and looked away.

Tom: <Kenzie> Should I invite him over to watch Blue's Clues?
Mike: <Yahiko> Gosh, I'd better start teasing her mercilessly so
she'll know I like her.


>"Stupid boy!" Kenzie humped.
>"Idiot girl!" Yahiko countered.

Crow: Interesting choice of pillow talk.
Tom: <Yahiko> That was sex? I'm so disillusioned. I'm gonna go huff
gas and stab things now.


>Katsu just glared at the boy known as Yahiko, and Kenshin wasn't
>sure what to do but he didn't think he liked the thought of his
>sweet little niece being so close to the bratty little Yahiko.
>The rest just chuckled at the two except Ryoshin who rolled his
>eyes and thought. *Too much going on for me in one day.*

Crow: <Ryoshin> I just need a good BM.


>Katsu noticed his son yawn and knew he should be tired after the
>long day they had. "Come Ryo, we'll find you a bed." Ryo nodded
>with another yawn.

Crow: <Ryo> I expect satin sheets, a goosefeather duvet and a
white chocolate mint delicately laid on top of the pillow.
Tom: <Katsu> I have an old mattress that smells faintly of peanut
butter.
Crow: <Ryo> I'll take it.


>"Please, let me." Kenshin pleaded. He wanted to spend some time
>with his nephew and bedtime seemed like a good bonding time.

Mike: At least it did until Dog yanked him out of bed by his
short hairs.


>Katsu agreed and Kenshin lead Ryoshin to bed.

Tom: Ah yes, male bonding, the Michael Jackson way.
Crow: Hope he remembered his glove. I can't believe I said that.
Mike: You know, guys, this line of thought isn't exactly thrilling me.


>@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@

Tom: <Kenshin> Wow, that sure is a lot of bedbugs.
Crow: <Ryo> D-Do they bite?
Tom: <Kenshin> Only if you let them. Well, good night! Zzzzzzz...


>"Hi..." Kenzie sat next to Yahiko on the deck outside. "Can I
>join you?"

Mike: <Yahiko> Why? Am I coming...?
Tom: <Kenzie> Utter one more syllable and I'll have you killed.


>"You're already sitting aren't you?" Yahiko replied.

Crow: Don Juan Yahiko.


>There was an awkward silence with each one glancing at the other.

Tom: <Yahiko> Does the author really expect us to go along with this?
Mike: Apparently. Soo... you into Bratz?
Crow: I seem to be talking to one.


>"What are you staring at?" Yahiko questioned as he caught Kenzie
>continue to stare at him.

Crow: <Kenzie> Are you done chewing that gum?


>Kenzie blushed. "I'm sorry." She said and looked down at the ground.
>
>Yahiko sighed. "No... don't be. I... I'm sorry about earlier. I don't
>know why I always blow up like that."

Mike: <Kenzie> Flintstone Steroids?


>Yahiko sighed again. "I never caught your name..."
>
>"My name's Kenzie." She glanced at him to see Yahiko smile.
>
>"That's a pretty name..." Kenzie looked up at Yahiko and blushed.
>*I've never been so flustered talking to a boy before.*

Tom: Just wait until you get audited, Kenzie.


>Kenzie! Your father says it's time for bed that it is." Kenshin
>called. "Shall I tuck you in?"

Crow: <Kenzie> I say to you what I say to every hotel maid I
meet... NO TUCK!
Tom: <Kenzie> Yes, please shower me relentlessly with your
half-assed uncling.
Mike: "Uncling"?


>"Yes! I'll be right there Uncle Kennie!" Kenzie answered and turned
>toward Yahiko, blushing once again.

Crow: She's like a broken "OPEN" sign.


>"Good night." She smiled and gave him a small kiss on the cheek
>and left.

Mike: Her dull red glow heating the walls, peeling the paint off.
Crow: <Yahiko> Wait! Can I upgrade that to a medium kiss please...
and throw in some extra ketchup and salts... and can I have a treat
of the week... I got kids at home... really.


>Yahiko blushed and rubbed at his cheek. *Stupid girl!*
>
>What Yahiko thought and what Yahiko felt were two different things.

Mike: He thought she was stupid but he felt like a hoagie.
Crow: What he REALLY thought was, "Dammit, I caught her scarlet fever!"


>Inside he could not hide the fact that he found Kenzie cute.
>@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@

Mike: I never promised you a rose garden...
Crow: A scene change is a scene change is a scene change.


>With the children in bed it gave the adults a chance to really talk.

Tom: <Hiko> Sooo, which brand of cold medicine do you drug your kids
to sleep with?
Crow: <Kenshin> My abscess is leaking, that it is.


>"So... that's what really happened..." Kenshin replied after Katsu had
>told them all what happened the night Kentai was murdered.

Crow: <Kenshin> I went to a bar with Master Hiko to watch Ultimate
Fighting. I would've been home sooner to save your sister but
Royce Gracie was in the main event.
Tom: <Hiko> Thirty... minutes... of... GUARD...


>Kenshin could feel the hot tears return to his eyes. Kaoru comforted
>Kenshin again as the tears slide down his cheeks once more.

Mike: Even his tears can't find their mark.


>Katsu too was still in mourning.
>"You alright buddy?" Sano ask his longtime friend and put a
>consoling hand on his shoulder.

Crow: <Katsu> I'm sorry, my eyes are still watering from your
smelly apartment.
Mike: <Katsu> Hey hey! It said longtime *friend*! Not *companion*.


>Katsu nodded. "I will be... in time."

Tom: <Sanosuke> Here, you wimp, here's a Celine Dion CD, a box of
tissues, and a fluffy pink pillow. Baby.


>After awhile they noticed something. "Hey! Where's that Hiko guy?"
>Sano asked.

Crow: Check behind the portables, he's probably having a butt.


>They all looked around but no one saw or knew where he went. They
>were about to ask Ariannah but it was discovered she wasmissing too.

Tom: <Kenshin> I didn't know that we were starting a murder mystery
tonight.


>"Ya know... she did look kind of familiar. But I just can't put my
>finger on it." Sano thought out loud to himself.

Crow: Maybe if he looked at the back of her head, it'd jog his
memory?


>Katsu sighed and thought it was better they knew about Ariannah
>than to be walking down the street with her and have her taken by
>the police.

Tom: Bad enough to have a bounty but she just couldn't resist the
thrill of jaywalking.


>"Ariannah is well... to be blunt, a whore."

Tom: She's a healthy whore? Wow, that's rare.
Crow: <Sano> Think I could hire her to paint my house?


>Everyone's eyes went wide. "I know Sensei can be a little crud
>but to hire a..." Kenshin trailed off. Katsu went to correct
>Kenshin.

Mike: *smack*
Tom: <Kenshin> Ow!
Crow: <Katsu> That'll learn ya.


>"No, Hiko Sensei saved her."

Crow: Achievement unlocked. (25G) - A Whorendous Fate!
Mike: <Kenshin> Oh, is that what it's called nowadays? Kaoru, I
think you're overdue for some saving, that I do.


>"Oro?" Kenshin was again confused, which seemed to happen a lot
>lately. Kaoru couldn't help but smile. He was so cute with that
>confused look on his face.

Tom: <Kenshin> I don't get it, how did you find a baggie large
enough to save her in?


>Katsu rolled his eyes and continued. "Ariannah ran away from a
>brothel.

Crow: To a flophouse, but who's counting?
Mike: It didn't help that it was on fire.


>She was being pursued by men through the woods for the bounty on
>her head and Hiko Sensei saved her."

Tom: Actually, they were stingy GTA players trying to
steal their money back after she gangbanged their ungrateful
asses back to health.


>Everyone now understood and Katsu sweet dropped.

Mike: Sweet dropped? Is that anything like a leg sweepy thing?
Tom: Two facefaults and a double take! Come on, people, we're
a CARTOON!
Crow: Umm.... err, it's over?
Mike: Yeah, it seems like it, the door are open and everything.
Tom: Do we have any last words of wisdom for this 'fic?
Crow: Try to tip 20%, stay out of the weeds, and never threaten
a guy nicknamed Crotch Crippler.
Mike: Sufficient. Let's scram.


---Satellite of Love

As the denizens of the Satellite reemerged from the theater,
Crow remarked, "Wow! I wondered how Ariannah got the practical
experience necessary in order to write that fascinating book!

"Let me guess, Crow," Tom drawled. "You're going to come back
with a Dummies Guide to Leaving Prostitution or something."

Mike chuckled. "First step... exit the building."

"Burn your clothes and enter a convent," Tom continued.

"Make a list of each john you have. Figure out which one will
support you into your old age. Make sure that he's not a porno
producer," Mike added.

As Tom chuckled, Crow said, "Hey guys! That's not fair!"

Crow left the bridge as Tom continued, "Put all the
flexibility you've gained to good use as an Olympic gymnast!"

"Claim you are one of the lost Hilton sisters!"

"Make sure you scratch your name off of all of the men's
toilet stalls in a ten-mile radius!"

As Mike kept laughing from Tom's advice, Crow returned with
the book. "You guys, it's not like that!"

"Is it an expose of the sex workers' trade? A how-to guide
to getting better tips?" Mike remarked.

"Naw," Crow replied. "It's a BradyGames guide to Dynasty
Warriors 6."

Tom hovered over quickly. "Oooh, gimme gimme gimme!" He
bumped Crow's arm, causing him to drop the guide on the floor.
Tom quickly followed after it, cackling all the way as he
disappeared behind the counter.

Mike inquired, "Practical experience?"

"Well, yeah," Crow said. "You've got hours of downtime
between gigs. Or in our case, several months."

Mike looked at Crow sideways as the red light flashed.

Crow peered offscreen, then glanced back to Mike. "How's
he going to play XBox 360 without working hands?"

"We've got an XBox 360?" Mike asked.

---Deep 13

It looked as if the remains of a chemistry set surrounded
Dr. Forrester. All around were Bunsen burners, vials, and
beakers with multicolored liquids. Dr. F drank the rest of
a vile green liquid, and wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

"There! I've dosed myself with EVERY infection known to
man! Cowpox, dysentery, bubonic plague, and even psoriasis!
They'll all fight themselves to the death, and leave me alone!"

Just then, T.V.'s Frank opened the door to Deep 13, wearing
a striped suit. "Steve! You wouldn't believe it, but I've
been ALL over Mississippi! We were singing, baptized, in the
middle of an election... and WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF?!"

Frank rushed over and smacked a beaker out of Dr. F's hand.
"Don't worry, Dr. F, Auntie McFrank and her chicken noodle
soup is here..." As Frank picked up a beaker for examination,
he noticed the feed still active to the Satellite and reached
over to push the button.

--POOF!--

"Mountain Dew? Good lord, it's worse than I thought!"

o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na..."

All comments and criticism about this MST will be gratefully
appreciated and accepted at: zoogz@yahoo.com and megane67@rogers.com

It's been quite a long time now. For all of those people who
are sad that output has slowed to a crawl, I sincerely apologize.
Megane and I are in the process of writing more MSTings though, and
we may have another one finished in a few months' time as well. I
thank all (any?) of our readers for their great patience and
continued support. I'm not planning on this one being my last MST
either.

I don't know whether or not most people will remember, but it's
been about ten years since the announcement of MST3k's cancellation.
There are replacements, such as Rifftrax, or Joel's riffing crew,
but the field of fanfic MSTings has certainly lost some major
luminaries. From Mike Neylon and Web Site #9, to Tim McLees and
Seth Triggs at Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings, to authors such as
Alicia Ashby and others. While I still have no intention of giving
this up, even at the detriment to my late nights and while taking
care of children, I just wanted to take a couple lines' worth of
author notes to express my appreciation to all those artists who
made (and still make) us laugh and enjoy life a bit more, no matter
our ability to suspend our disbelief. Thanks, all.

My deepest thanks to Megane 6.7 for providing riffs, host segment
ideas, and the repeated kick in the pants necessary for me finishing
this MSTing. His help and friendship are both very valued, and he
continues to bring the laughs to me and hopefully our audience.

Special thanks to:
Teachers of America (and the world!)
The Authors of the 1st Amendment
Best Brains

>Kenshin looked Kaoru straight into her blue-gray eyes. Old memories
>returned to Kenshin like the plague.

Keep Circulating the Fanfics...