Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Belonging ❯ Look Deeper ( Chapter 4 )

Title: Belonging

Disclaimer: This story is my story, however Rurouni Kenshin and all it's characters do not belong to me. I'm just borrowing them for a little while.

A/N: Okay now this chapter delves deeper into the world of the Kyuketsuki. There will be some new words and definitions so don't hesitate to tell me if it's confusing or ask me to explain it further. I hope you guys like this fic. Thanks everyone for your reviews. They were very, very helpful. I'm using Misao and Soujiro's conversations to convey the depth of the history behind the story so I hope you don't mind if Misao continues to pop up now and again. By the way I used the lyrics of LINKIN PARK'S Part of Me in this chapter. I didn't use all the lyrics of the song, just some parts that seemed appropriate.

Chapter Three:

Sano sighed. He couldn't take much more of this ridiculous dance Kenshin and Kaoru were involved in. He loved Kaoru like a sister and Kenshin was the brother her never had.

It was obvious the two of them meant something to each other.

The connection was so tangible, so palpable that you only had to be with the two of them for two minutes max and you'd notice it.

And still they tried to ignore it.

His bare feet padded over wooden floorboards as he made his way to the back of the house where Kenshin sometimes washed the laundry by hand. As Sano had suspected, he spotted the redhead sitting in front of a large basin, washing clothes. "That's why they invented washing machines you know," Sano pointed out as he dropped down and sat on the porch outback. For the life of him he could never understand what was so fascinating about doing chores around the house.

Kenshin looked over his shoulder at Sano and smiled. "I know but these are Kaoru-dono's clothes and I wanted to make sure they were really clean."

"Tanuki wouldn't even notice. She always gets her clothes dirty anyway. That girl has no grace whatsoever…not unless of course she's wielding that stupid bokken of hers. You know, I think she's the reason why I fail my math exams half the time."

Kenshin's lips shifted in a smile, "Why is that Sano?"

"Dude! I have known that girls since I was three and you cannot even begin to imagine how many times she'd hit me over the head with that wooden sword of hers…she does love to wield that thing around, doesn't she." Sano said his voice a mixture of amusement, indignation, fondness and exasperation.

Kenshin chuckled. "That she does."

There a moment of companionable silence with only the slosh of water as Kenshin continued his task, punctuating the comfortable stillness between the two friends.

Sano shifted a little and sighed, "You know she likes you, don't you?"

Kenshin froze but only for a moment. "I don't comprehend what you mean Sano…"

Sano sighed. "Yes you do. You just don't want to admit it."

Kenshin was silent, waiting.

"Kaoru likes you Kenshin. She always has."

"Kaoru-dono likes everyone. She has a big heart…"

"Yup." Sano nodded sagely, "Too bad her heart can't push her boobs out even a little bit. What's her bra size anyway? A minus?"

Nope…by the look of things…she was a nicely filled B…maybe a C-cup. Kenshin's face flamed as he realized the direction of his thoughts, "H-how do you expect me to know that?" he sputtered.

Sano shrugged, "I don't know. You're always washing her laundry so I thought you washed her underwear too…" he said dead-pan. Inside, Sano was howling with laughter at the look in Kenshin's face. Poor guy, he was so near a nosebleed right now it wasn't even funny.

Kenshin fumbled with the skirt of one of Kaoru's school uniforms. "I don't wash her under-clothes Sano."

There was a hint of reprove.

"Oh come on Kenshin, under-clothes? That's even worse that underwear. Just say them as they are called. Bra and panties…"

Kenshin fell silent once more, pushing thoughts of Kaoru and her bra and panties out of his mind.

Sano grinned. "You know you like her. Why don't you just tell her? Believe me it would be much easier for the two of you…"

Kenshin didn't move from his position.

It would be much easier for the two of you?

If only.

He turned away from Sano because he hadn't wanted the man to see his golden eyes.

He tried to calm his breathing and gain control of himself.

He should have left the moment he realized her effect on him.

But he couldn't.

She was the only good thing in his fucked up life.

OOOOO

Misao was bored.

Okashira was gone and she missed him terribly.

Well…at least Megumi didn't go with him.

That was certainly a plus.

She was still fuming about the older woman's trick on her.

Megumi had said men loved the scent of jasmine, but when Misao had walked up to Okashira smelling like jasmine with a bloom tucked behind her ear…well to say the least, it didn't have it's desired effect.

Aoshi-sama had snatched the flower from Misao and walked away.

Misao shivered remembering the awful look in his eyes.

Stupid Megumi.

Misao decided to enter the library where Soujiro could most often than not be found. When she pushed the heavy oak doors open, she saw Soujiro seated in one of the tables, looking off into space, still with that half-smile on his face.

As a shape-shifter, there were some things Misao still didn't understand about the Kyuketsuki, especially the Umareru. Born vampires were revered as among the strongest Youkais, and their customs, even after all these years of living amongst them, were still foreign to her.

Maybe Soujiro was right.

Maybe she should brush up on Makai history and learn everything about Youkais, her kind, and the other worlds.

She sat down beside Soujiro, knowing he sensed her even before she made her presence known. "Nah, Soujiro-kun…I've noticed that most vampires are weird. I mean I love Okashira but I notice that he rarely smiles. You always smile and Megumi always has this air of condescension around her. I've never seen any vampire really exhibit strong emotion before…" Misao observed.

"Ah…well that is because we must always keep control of ourselves. It's not that we do not feel strongly, it's just that we have been trained to maintain control over our emotions and not let them rule us."

"Why?" Misao asked. "It seems so cold…"

"Better cold than out of control…"

"Why is control so important to vampires? Don't you guys ever lose it or something?" The life of a vampire seemed suddenly boring. How weird would it be to always have to contain your emotions? "Don't your people ever throw a temper tantrum?"

"Sure…but rarely…and we make sure never to let our emotions rule us."

"Why?"

"Because inside of all vampires there is an inner darkness. It is the source of our blood hunger and our powers. It is called lamia. If we lose control of our self, the inner power inside of us might break free."

"But lamia is supposed to be a good thing, isn't it? It's what all vampires strive to be."

"There are actually two ways of interpreting the word lamia. You should know this Misao, if you had but heeded my advice and studied the history of our world. Anyway, Lamia, with a capital `L' pertains to a vampire who has achieved true immortality. They say that only the Umareru, the born vampires, are able to shift into Lamia. The lamia spelled with a small letter `l' means the darkness within all vampires. Yes. We strive to be Lamia but we know we can never attain it. Two things will happen once a vampire looses control. 1. He will be slowly devoured by the power inside of him and he will lose his mind. That is what we call the Hoki Suru, it means Renounced: these types of vampires have lost control and live only for the blood lust. They feed even though it is not necessary; they are mindless and dangerous. Much like what you would call a junkie or an addict. Most of the time if the vampire is too far gone, he or she would have to be exterminated."

"You said that Hoki Suru are similar to addicts or junkies. So what are they addicted to?"

"The power Misao; the strong dark force that is slowly being released into their system. It is like when you shape-shifters change. Right in the middle when you are neither human or panther, when you are but a ball of energy, free and strong…that is sort of what it feels like."

Misao's eyes widened in understanding, "Oh…"

"Yes." Soujiro smiled, "All vampires are capable of tapping into that energy but we must always keep it under control at all times. Sometimes when the anger is too great or the emotion too strong, some vampires just…let go, I suppose."

"And what is the second thing that will happen?"

"The second thing is that a vampire will lose its soul. It will be a killing machine intent on destruction…" Soujiro explained. "This is called Kara No, literally means empty. The vampire is not insane…but he is filled with the desire to expand his power. Kara No is deadlier than Hoki Suru because these types of vampires retain their ability to think and to plan. They are not insane and mindless but cold and cruel killers."

"So then they become lamia?"

"I've never seen a Hiko Suru or a Kara No actually reach the state of being a Lamia. To be a Lamia, a great force of dark energy must be released and your body and mind must be able to sustain it. There is very little written about Lamia and its an obscure subject even for vampires. During the wars, a great many vampires succumbed to the darkness inside of them and became Kara No or Hoki Suru. I haven't ever heard of even one who was able to shift into a Lamia."

Misao shifted in her seat, "Why do Tsukuru exist? Umareru are capable of natural reproduction…so why create vampires artificially?"

"You mean why do some vampires change other creatures into vampires?"

Misao nodded.

"Well the most common reason is that when a vampire takes a mate, it is usually for life. The bond is called Nakama, it is the same for shape-shifters, yes?"

"Yes."

"Vampires are immortal naturally. Umareru, the born or natural vampires like me and Megumi and Okashira, we can age and we can choose to die of old age if we want. We can also stop our aging and we can have children. Tsukuru, the made vampires consist mostly of Nakama. For example if I were to choose a mate and she's a human; humans don't have very long life spans compared to us, so I can make her into a vampire so she could be immortal as well."

"Tsukuru can't have children," Misao pointed out.

"I can have a child or two with her first before I turn her into a vampire."

"What would your children be if they are half and half?" Misao asked.

"Loved."

Misao blinked and then she smiled. "How come Tsukuru can't have children?"

"Vampire blood is very potent. A made vampire has gone through a change wherein his or her natural body adapts to the new blood in his or her system. In a manner of speaking, their old body dies. That's the reason why a Tsukuru does not age and can't have children. That is why some vampire purists refer to the Tsukuru as The Walking Dead."

Misao looked down at her hands. Maybe that was why Okashira was so distant with her. He was probably waiting for her to grow up a little more. Misao sighed; Aoshi-sama was so considerate! "Is it hard to be a Tsukuru?"

"I wouldn't know."

"Is it hard to be a vampire, then?"

"I was born a vampire, I don't know how to be anything else. I don't have a valid point of comparison."

Misao rolled her eyes. "Well, do you think I'd like being a vampire?"

Soujiro smiled at her. He knew her thoughts and he knew too that it was hopeless. Still he could not find it in him to crush her dreams. She was still just a child. "Perhaps…" was all he said.

OOOOO

/Part of me won't go away
Everyday reminded how much I hate it
Weighted against the consequences
Can't live without it so it's senseless/

"Do you feel it inside of you Kenshin? That darkness?"

Eight-year-old Kenshin shook his head. "No master…I…I don't…" he protested as he gripped his sword tighter. His master was a huge looming figure in front of him but Kenshin's large violet eyes were trained on the rabbit Hiko Seijuuro dangled in front of him.

The rabbit was white and fluffy and it was squirming to get away.

Hiko's hands held it firmly by one foot.

"Even if you try to deny it, it's a part of you and you must learn to accept it for what it is."

"No…"

"You can't escape the truth! If you try to hide from it then it will only make you weaker than it is! The less you acknowledge it the more powerful the hunger becomes!"

"Why are you doing this master?" Kenshin whispered, frightened.

"What do you feel when you see this tiny little creature Kenshin?"

"I'm scared."

"What are you afraid of?"

"I don't want you to hurt it, master…"

"Don't worry…I won't hurt it Kenshin. You will."

Kenshin shook his head in denial. "No! I won't! You can't make me."

"How long has it been since you fed? Last night, right? And I kept you practicing all day. You must feel so hungry…"

"No…" Kenshin whispered, shaking his head and backing up until his back was against the wall. He slid down until he was sitting down and pulled his knees up to his chest, staring at Hiko.

Hiko placed the rabbit in Kenshin's room. "Okay then, the rabbit stays with you."

/Wanna cut it out of my soul
And just live with a gaping hole
Take control of my life
And wash out all the burnt taste/

Hiko opened the door to Kenshin's room to find the slaughtered rabbit lying on the floor. Its body had been ripped open and all the blood sucked until it was dry. It organs lay on the floor like dried fruits whose natural flavor had been siphoned.

And there was Kenshin huddled against the wall, his hands bloodied and his face smeared with red.

He was crying.

"I didn't want to…I was just…I was just so hungry…"

"Now do you understand Kenshin?" Hiko asked.

Violet eyes raised as he stared into Hiko's calm ones. He shook his head. "Why did you make me do it?"

"I didn't make you do it. You had a choice between yourself and the rabbit. You could have ignored your hunger and you would have died."

"You're cruel!"

"You see Kenshin, even though you didn't want to do it. You had no choice. Your instinct took over. That darkness you feel inside of you…it's part of who you are and you must never forget it."

Kenshin shook his head and buried his face in his hands.

"If faced with a choice between death and survival…you will always choose survival. You must remember that Kenshin. Outside of these walls…I cannot protect you."

Kenshin didn't look up.

"You might not want to harm others but it is in your nature…never forget that."

/I made the problems in the first place
Hang my head low `cause it's part of me
You hardly see right next to the heart of me
Heard of me the routine scar/

"How did I get this?" ten year-old Kenshin asked as he touched the X mark on his face. "It looks odd…I don't remember ever having an injury here…"

"It's not an injury," Hiko said with a shrug as he poured himself more sake.

"Then what is it?"

"It's a mark. A mark from before you were born into this world."

"I don't understand."

"And I pray you never will…but I suppose one day you'll know what it stands for. I just hope this time you'll be able to handle it…"

Kenshin's face screwed up in confusion. Sometimes he didn't know if his master was insane or just terribly profound. Most of the time he sounded like he just sprouted drunken nonsense.

/New cuts cover where the old ones are
And now I'm sick of this/

Kenshin was standing over the body of three people his eyes glinting gold in the darkness.

Feral.

The rain fell down like tears from heaven, crying for the lost lives and the innocence drenched in blood.

Golden eyes watched as the pure red blood turned pink as it mixed with the rainfall.

Lighting splashed the sky in white and thunder clapped overhead.

Nothing moved.

There was only death that night.

Hiko came with his cape swirling like a white banner in the night. His eyes studied the faces of the dead people. They had died quickly and had not suffered. He supposed that should be enough for now. He turned to his student and looked at the golden eyes gleaming at him from beneath dark red bangs.

"I killed them."

"I know you did."

"Don't you want to punish me, master?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because their deaths would haunt your dreams and their faces will forever be etched in your memory. That is enough punishment for one so young."

"I'm sorry I disobeyed you when you told me not to go."

"I don't think you're sorry because of that. I think you're sorry because you lost your innocence tonight…and you will never be able to take it back…"

"They were coming after me…"

"I know…they always are."

/I can't stand the sandpaper thoughts that grade away on my sanity
I rather not even be then the man that's staring in the mirror through me/

Kenshin looked into the mirror and studied his face.

What was the meaning of his birthmark?

He touched it and turned his head to the side, studying the almost perfect X that covered his cheek. It wasn't grotesque, it was actually light and it seemed perfectly natural in his face.

He reached up to brush the bangs away from his eyes.

There it was again, that strange swirl of gold beneath the purple.

He extended his canines and watched as the gold expanded and circled his pupils.

He pulled back, scared at the image he saw.

"It's not me…" he said as he lowered his eyes and controlled his breathing. When he lifted his head again and stared into the mirror, his eyes had gone completely violet again, without a trace of gold anywhere. "I am Kenshin. That's all I am."

/Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what's killing me/

"Go on a journey?" fifteen year-old Kenshin asked, his head lifting a little in surprise at the news his master told him.

"Yes."

"To where?" he asked, perplexed.

Hiko shrugged as he poured himself more sake. "Who cares? Go any place you like. I don't care for a stupid boy like you."

Kenshin, already used to his master's eccentric attitude, did not take offense. "It just seems odd…that's all."

Hiko sighed. "You are already strong…you have almost mastered the sword-style that I have taught you. There is only one technique left and you would be invincible."

Kenshin waited patiently, his head bowed.

"But before that, you must learn to be stronger. It is not only the mind and the body that needs strength Kenshin. The spirit also needs an anchor as well. That is the mistake I made before. I forgot that you also have a soul."

"I don't understand master…"

"That is why you need to go." Hiko said. "To understand…"

/I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me/

The world outside the house was so different.

He had nowhere else to go and no idea what to do so he just took everything one-step at a time. Earning some money, staying in one place for a period and then always, he moved on.

He was hoping to find understanding.

He was only fifteen but he'd already finished his high school studies. His master had hired private tutors for him so he would have a holistic education.

Body.

Mind.

Now…what about the soul?

Kenshin didn't quite understand it.

Find an anchor.

As the months went by, Kenshin began to feel more and more depressed, as if he were floating. It was a tiring existence to always be on the move. He couldn't seem to find a place he could stay in for more than a couple of days, a few weeks tops.

It wasn't very hard to feed though.

People were fond of staying out late at night and he was always careful not to overfeed and kill them.

Feed regularly so you won't be hungry.

When he got hungry…really hungry…he got out of control.

He shuddered as he remembered the rabbit.

It was still inside of him, that darkness. And it was pulsing. Sometimes he could feel it just beneath his skin, craving to get out.

"Sano you IDIOT!"

Kenshin heard the voice but didn't look up. He concentrated on the ground and counted the steps he was taking.

He felt a boy about a few years younger than him rush by and he looked up to see what he was running from.

It was just in time to see the bokken flying right at his face.

"OH NO! GOMEN!" a girl's voice cried as he fell to the ground stunned. He lay there surprised as he stared up at the sun. He wasn't really hurt, just surprised.

A shadow fell over him and he found himself looking up into clear blue eyes of a ten-year-old girl.

"I'm sorry…" she apologized frantically as she helped him up. "I'll take you to Dr. Genzai, he's a family friend and he'll check you out to see if you were injured. My name is Kaoru by the way, I'm really sorry…"

"I'm fine…Kaoru," he said with a bemused smile as she fussed over him. "I'm Kenshin."

The boy returned and crouched over Kenshin. "Look Kaoru, his eyes look dazed. He might have some brain damage and it's all your fault!" he teased.

"Sano no baka! Don't say that!" Kaoru yelled fiercely even as her eyes clouded over with guilt and concern.

Kenshin stood up and brushed the dust from his clothes. "Really, there's no need. I'm fine…" he assured them.

He was surprised when Kaoru grabbed his arm and shook her head. "No, at least come back home and let Dr. Genzai take a look at you. You can also have lunch with us, you look tired."

Sano grabbed the bag Kenshin had dropped, "I'll carry this for you," he said. "My name is Sano by the way. You are?"

"Kenshin."

"My advice to you Kenshin, is don't eat Kaoru's cooking. If that bokken of hers doesn't kill you, her cooking will."

Kaoru shot Sano an evil glare, "Just for that you don't get any of Tae-chan's cheesecake!"

"No fair!"

"Yes fair!" Kaoru shouted back as she dragged a dazed Kenshin with her.

"Oro?"

/It can't be frightening if you've never felt it
Once it's been dealt with you feel like you've been touched by something angelic
And then melted down into a pool of peace
Cease to be the animal you used to be

Remove the broken parts you know were wrong
And feel the karma when the problem's all gone/

"Nah, Kenshin, what are you doing?"

"I think sessha has imposed on you long enough," he said with a bow at her. He had been staying at her house for a whole week at her insistence. Now he found himself not wanting to go, which was the reason why he had to go.

Kaoru rolled her eyes at him, "You talk funny. Stop with the `sessha' crap. Don't call yourself unworthy, baka. If anyone around here is unworthy, it's Sano over there."

Sano looked up from the watermelon he was currently eating. "Hey! I resent that!" he said before going back to chomping on the fruit.

"You don't have to go Kenshin. We like having you here." Kaoru said with a smile.

"You only want him to stay because he does the cooking and cleaning and the chores around the house," Sano snorted.

Kaoru turned to glare at him. "Idiot! I want Kenshin to stay because I like him. Don't you have to go back to your house Sano?"

"Why should I when yours is much bigger than mine?"

Kaoru huffed. "See Kenshin? We need you here to be the mediator." Suddenly, her eyes dimmed and she looked away. "But I guess if you have family waiting for you or something…"

Kenshin had found out from Sanosuke that Kaoru lived in the house alone and that her parents had died when she was younger. "I don't have a family Kaoru-dono."

Kaoru smiled, her eyes twinkling, "You can be part of our family if you like."

Kenshin was torn. He probably should go. He was dangerous to them…but then his master did tell him to find an anchor and to understand.

Looking into those warm blue eyes made him feel like he had to stay.

He smiled, "Sessha could think of no greater honor."

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call yourself unworthy?" Kaoru said charging at him in irritation.

Kenshin stepped back, surprised. "Oro?!"

Sano rolled his eyes and smiled, "Welcome to the family. In other words, you are now officially one of Kaoru's punching bags."

/And then you start to see another piece of yourself that you can't let be
And that reason last fight to free yourself
Take it to the depths of the bottom of the well
And now you know you can choose to lose the part in your heart
Where your insides bruise
You can live if you're willing to
Put a stop to just what's killing you/

Now he understood that Kaoru was his anchor.

He understood what it was to love and be loved unconditionally.

Kaoru had a light that attracted people to her.

Her strength was in that she was willing to put herself in danger for the sake of someone else.

"If faced with a choice between death and survival…you will always choose survival. You must remember that Kenshin."

"You might not want to harm others but it is in your nature…never forget that."

Kenshin was always so careful to control himself. He didn't want his family to see the darkness inside of him. They lived in such a world of light that he didn't want to tarnish their innocent existence with the truth of what he was.

He didn't want to scare them away.

He didn't want Kaoru to turn away from him.

/Alive in me, inside of me, a part of me screams away silently
This part of me won't go away, part of me won't go away
Everywhere I look around I see how everyone ought to be
Every time I see myself there's always something wrong with me
Everywhere I look around I see how everyone ought to be
Every time I see myself there's always something wrong with me/

Kenshin sat down on his bed against the wall in the far side of his room.

Just on the other side of the wall was Kaoru.

He could smell her.

His hand fisted as he tried to control himself. Eyelids lowered shielding violet eyes gone ablaze in amber light.

Kaoru deserved someone who would never post a threat to her.

Kenshin would rather die than hurt her…but he was afraid that his master was right.

He might not be able to control the instinct within him.

He would not be able to live with himself if he hurt her.

Sano said that Kaoru loved him.

Of course he knew.

And he would never act on it.

Kaoru deserved someone better.

Kaoru deserved someone who was like her.

Perfect.

"I don't deserve you Kaoru," he whispered.

But that didn't mean he didn't want her.

I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me

I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside, swallowing me
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside, swallowing me

OOOOO

A/N: Whoa, this was really a long chapter wasn't it? This is a glimpse of Kenshin. I saw how in the first chapters, he was kind of just a one-dimensional character. This is the darkness that he is fighting inside. He too is a tortured soul. Oh Kaoru, you have two hot guys who need your love! /we should all be so lucky/ grins. Tell me what you guys think! Thanks so much for reviewing this fic of mine, it was very, very helpful and inspiring. That's why I typed into the night to finish this! ^_^ Please review!