Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Creep ❯ Creep ( Chapter 1 )

This scene plays out every time I hear this song, which is pretty much daily because it's one of my favorites.

Italics= lyrics of "Creep"

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or anything related to Radiohead except all of their CDs and a really cool t-shirt from their last concert.

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Kaoru watched Kenshin silently. He was sitting alone in his room, staring at the wall. She tried to talk to him earlier, but he hadn't said a word. He had almost pretended like she wasn't even there. There was definitely something bothering him. She just couldn't understand what it could be.

"Kenshin?" She called to him even though she knew that he was aware of her presence. He lowered his head but did not turn to face her. She became more insistent.

"Kenshin? Why won't you talk to me?" She moved around in front of him and sat down. She gently reached out a hand and touched his shoulder. His face upturned, and she saw into his eyes. There was a pain there that she couldn't even have imagined. In the time he had been living with her at the dojo, he had looked upset many times, but it was never quite so horrible. She repeated her soft plea for answers.

"Kenshin?" He reached out and grabbed her hands. He stared hard at her.

"Miss Kaoru, when you were here before, I couldn't look you in the eye. Your presence frightens me sometimes, that it does. It makes me feel wrong." Kaoru frowned. Did he really think she was that awful looking?

"Kenshin, if you think I'm that ugly, you could have told me." Her head lowered, and she could feel the tears beginning to form in her eyes for the millionth time. How was it that he made her cry so much and she still loved him? Kenshin shook her hands slightly to get her to return her gaze to him.

"No! You're just like an angel. That's the problem. I see you and it hurts. It really does. Your lips send a pain through my heart. Your smile makes me lose my breath. Your skin makes me cry. I watch you practice a lot when you're not looking, that I do. You float like a feather in a beautiful world. I know you deserve someone special." Kenshin looked away for a moment. Kaoru didn't know how to respond.

"What are you saying, Kenshin?" He let go of her hands and kept his attention on the floor beside him.

"I wish I was special." Kaoru's jaw dropped. Was he saying he wanted her?

"Kenshin, you're so very special. How could you not think you are?" He turned suddenly to stare hard into her eyes again. Didn't she understand?

"But I'm a creep. I'm a twenty-eight year-old man who desires a beautiful young woman. Can't you see that Kaoru? I'm a weirdo. Have you forgotten my vow not to kill after so many years as a man-slayer? I just walk around all day smiling, that I do. I enjoy doing your laundry for god's sake. What the hell am I doing here? I don't deserve to live here with you Kaoru. I've tried. I really have. But, I don't belong here, that I don't." Kaoru watched him with tears in his eyes. He was confessing his desire for her and refuting it all at the same time. That was not how she had envisioned the moment he told her the feelings she always secretly wished he had.

"But, Kenshin. I don't want you to go. It hurts me to think about it."

"I'm sorry, Miss Kaoru, but I don't care if it hurts. It would hurt you more for me to remain here. For me to tarnish you with these hands that have been bloodied so many times." Tears began to flow down her cheeks. She had always wanted him to touch her with the very hands he was referring to. She knew his feelings now. He couldn't just leave her. She needed him to stay.

"Please tell me what you want, Kenshin. I'll give you anything to make you stay with me." His hard eyes grew soft. It hurt him deeply to see her like this.

"You can't give me what I want, Miss Kaoru, that you can't." He let go of the hands that he had been absentmindedly holding on to. He stood and started toward the door with his sword at his side and a small bag containing his belongings.

"Kenshin, please don't go." He continued out and didn't turn back around to face her. He knew that if he did, he would cave in. He could hear her small sobs and every step away from her was harder to take. He wanted to run back to her and hold her in his arms. He wanted to kiss her softly and promise to never leave. But instead he made his way out into the night and left the by the front gates of the Kamiya Dojo. He left his old home. He left his old room. And in it, he left the woman he loved. He kept telling himself he was doing it for her. He walked down the road for quite a while until he could take the guilt no more. He entered a seedy little pub on the outskirts of Tokyo. He sat alone at a table for several hours trying to drown himself in sake. But his tolerance was very high and his money was very low so it wasn't working. Then a tall man with brown hair that was as unruly and wild as his spirit strode in. He took a seat next to Kenshin and waited in silence. He knew that Kenshin would not speak until he was ready. In the past, he would have berated him for leaving Kaoru that way. She and he were searching all over the city for the wandering redhead. Kaoru was digging through every pub, every store, and every home on the opposite end of town. Sanosuke had taken a while to find Kenshin too. But instead of yelling, he ordered some sake from the waitress. Kenshin kept thinking about what Kaoru had asked him. He had never really answered her because he wasn't sure what the truth was himself. He turned his attention to the man seated next to him as the waitress delivered the drink.

"Sanosuke, do you ever think about what you really want in life?" Sanosuke looked at him unhappily. That was not the first question he expected.

"All the time." He drank the sake in one shot. It was cheap and burned his throat.

"What is it you want, Sano?" The tall man looked down at the table, then at his friend. His eyes were pleading. Maybe if he knew then he could better think of his own answer.

"That's easy, Kenshin. I want to have control. I want to win all the fights I get in. That's why I train like I do. That's why I push myself to the limit. I want a perfect body. I want to be the envy of every other man." Kenshin slammed his cup down on the table, shattering it.

"That's it!" Sanosuke looked over at him, confused.

"What's it?" Kenshin looked up at his friend. He had finally found an answer.

"Miss Kaoru told me she'd give me whatever I wanted. I knew it was nothing material. But because of you I figured it out, that I did. You want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. I want all my crimes to be washed away so that I can love Miss Kaoru the way she deserves. I can't do that now. I've been through too much. She can never love a man as stained and impure as me." Sanosuke quickly pushed all of the fragments of Kenshin's broken cup on the ground. He stood up so that he was towering above the small man.

"You don't get it do you? She does love you, you blockhead! You are all she thinks about. She was at home crying when I found her. You left her again! She can't handle it! I asked her what she would say when she found you, and you know what she said?" Kenshin did not respond. He wasn't sure of what to say.

"She said that she would say, 'I want you to notice when I'm not around. You're so very special.' Don't you understand? You are all she wants!" Kenshin lowered his head. Would Kaoru really say those words? He always noticed when she was gone. His heart ached every moment he was not there protecting her. But now, he had to protect her from himself.

"I wish I was special." Sanosuke calmed a bit at his friend's soft tone. It almost broke his heart.

"Kenshin, you are special. You are the one who has saved our lives countless times. You are the glue that holds us together, that makes us strong enough to survive. You are my inspiration. And you are Kaoru's reason for living. You have never seen her without you. She seems so lost when you're not around."

"But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I should be out of town already. I should be in a place where she'll never find me. I don't belong here." Kenshin stood to go. He couldn't listen to Sanosuke's words any longer. He had to get away. Then a strong hand pushed him back down.

"I will not let you go! Do you know what the Missy is doing right now? She's running out again. She's ready to leave her home to search the world for you. She needs you beside her."

"No. She can't be."

"She's running out all over the streets of Tokyo. She's begging for help to find you. How do you think I came here?" Kenshin felt tears begin to sting in his eyes. She was hurting again because of him.

"She's not, Sano."

"She runs."

"Please tell me she's not. Don't tell me she runs." The pain in his voice made his feelings even clearer. He did not want to face the facts that he had done this to her. He could just envision her hurrying blindly through the streets in her favorite yellow kimono that restricted her movement to tiny steps. The thought of it was tearing him in two.

"Kenshin, I can't lie to you. She runs." Just then the door of the pub flew open. Kaoru rushed inside. She was disheveled and her kimono looked a little torn. She fell down to her knees in front of Kenshin. He sucked in his breath. This was not the position she was supposed to be in. Not his angel.

"I'll do anything Kenshin. I'll give you whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want. Just return to the dojo. You're so very special. I need you in my life. Please come home to me. I wish I was special so that you would." Kenshin stared down at her in disbelief.

"But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. I don't deserve you Miss Kaoru. You deserve someone much better." Sanosuke stood and looked at them.

"What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. This is between you guys." He left and Kaoru got up on her knees. She looked longingly at Kenshin.

"I should be the one wondering if I deserve you, Kenshin. You are all I've ever wanted. Please don't say you want me and then leave. Now I need you more than I ever did before. Please come home, Kenshin. Come to our home." Kenshin bent down and helped Kaoru up. He embraced her fiercely and kissed her forehead. His voice was so soft that she barely heard him.

"I'm so sorry, Kaoru." Her heart leapt for joy as she nuzzled into him. They parted too soon and a waitress called to them as they walked out.

"Hey, don't you want another drink? Where are you going?" Kenshin looked around the pub that held men who were lost. Men without homes or people to care for them. He gripped tightly onto Kaoru's hand and led her out the door as he called back to the waitress.

"I don't belong here."

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A/N: I really do envision this every time I hear that song. I'm thinking about doing another Radiohead songfic soon. Oh well, please review.