Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Fumbling Towards Ecstasy ❯ Total Eclipse of the Heart ( Chapter 7 )

See Chapter 1 for disclaimer.

I am deviating from the original story line a bit, so if you notice discrepancies, that's why. I suppose you could consider the timeline post-Kyoto arc with very little mention of the Jinchuu arc, but post-Jinchuu works too. ^_^

Bless you, all you wonderful people who reviewed last time: K-chan, Nye-Yen, Noa, Kyme-chan, Sweetgrass, Tifa-sama, lebleuphenix, Chibi-Nikoru, Emiri-chan, bell, saicho-18, Meiyume, and the nameless reviewer who threatened to lock me up until I wrote more. ^_^ Woohoo! 68 reviews! I love you guys! *sniffle*

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Chapter 7: Total Eclipse of the Heart (Aoshi's POV)

Have I mentioned that I'm a coward? I do not deal with change very well. I never have. I would have been quite content to have things remain the same as always between Misao and myself, but it seemed as though fate had conspired against me once more.

It felt too good to wake up and find Misao still asleep in my arms, her unbound hair spread all over the blanket, the futon…me. She had wrapped herself around me somehow, burying her face in my chest.

She has never been a quiet sleeper. In fact, she was snoring, and that was what woke me up. And, disconcertingly enough, it did not bother me. I was too busy appreciating the fact that for once I was not alone in my bed.

This was the point where the haze of sleep wore off and all the pieces clicked into place: the nightmare, calling out to Misao (however involuntarily), the confrontation, and then…

Kami-sama, what a mess! I could hardly expect her to just let me go back to my quiet, solitary life of meditation. It wasn't fair to her, and I did not doubt that she would say so herself if I was stupid enough to suggest it. Nor could I bear to tell myself that it was wrong, that I should have somehow found the strength to make her leave me to fight my nightmares alone.

Nor was I certain that I really wanted to be alone anymore.

So, keeping that in mind, I wondered what came next. Was I supposed to court her? Ask her to marry me?

I squelched that train of thought quickly. What did I have to offer her? Two bloody kodachi and the equally stained hands that wielded them, that's what. Nothing an innocent young girl like Misao would ever want. Sooner or later, she would meet someone more worthy of her, and that would be the end of that. I would have to let her go.

Carefully, I disentangled myself from her sleeping form. She muttered something sleepily and snuggled into my pillow, quieting once more. I watched her helplessly for a long moment before I made myself pull the blanket over her, shielding her perfect pale skin from my eyes, and turn away as I got dressed.

Then, like the coward I am, I left my room and the sleeping girl on the futon as quickly and silently as I could. I knew it was stupid, I knew it would hurt her to wake up and not find me there, but I needed to think, and the only place I could do that was in my sanctuary, the temple.

Kyoto's streets were already full of people, some going to the market or other various errands, some just opening their shops. I could hear women's voices as friends called out to one another, and men's voices raised in laughter and good-natured bickering all around me. I gritted my teeth and walked faster, trying not to look up, as if they would find out what I had done to Misao and turn against me.

Ever since I returned to the Aoiya, I have tried to avoid crowds as much as possible. The time I spent training to defeat the Battousai in the mountains only increased my hatred of large amounts of people around me. Normally I would leave for the temple so early that most people were still asleep, and then go home after sunset when the streets are once more empty.

Sadly, it wasn't possible to avoid them on this of all days. The smells of cooking meat and vegetables, bread and sweets combined in a sickening stench with the press of the crowd, making it that much worse. I longed desperately for the simple, sweet smell of incense and the solitude of the temple. My head was spinning, but I kept my eyes on the road.

Suddenly, the blessedly deserted temple steps materialized in front of my eyes, and I couldn't help but sigh with relief. I climbed them eagerly, taking them two at a time. With each step, I felt the panic slipping away.

Even better, the temple itself was empty too. Now I could relax and go about my normal, daily routine, to bask in the quiet peace of my haven.

But the problem was, I couldn't settle down. I tried to sit in my usual spot and go through the meditation exercise that I always use, but I was too full of anxiety to think clearly. There were so many things that could happen because of that night and this morning. Misao could hate me, I could have ruined everything for us by running away, or…who even knew?

After a few minutes, I stood up and began to pace. It didn't really help, but at least I could expend some nervous energy. I needed to get it out of my system before someone came to the temple for whatever reason and saw me doing this.

And then I heard it: footsteps, someone running up the temple steps, and a familiar voice crying out my name. Quickly, I sat down again as if nothing was wrong, but apprehension clenched in a cold knot deep in my belly. It was Misao. I had known it the moment I heard the footsteps.

Kami-sama! Why couldn't she have slept longer? How could I face her so soon? This was why I had come here, damn it.

"Aoshi-sama," she gasped, and I braced myself for her anger, her tears, even though I knew I would never be able to push her away again.

But if she pushed me away…I would let her go, I decided. It was better that way.

I turned around slowly, and my breath caught in my throat. She stood in the doorway, clutching her side and panting as if she had run all the way from the Aoiya, which she most likely had. The sun was behind her, illuminating her entire body. Her midnight hair shone darkly, her skin fairly glowed, and her beautiful eyes sparkled. She looked like an angel.

"Aoshi-sama," she repeated, straightening, and I nearly flinched, expecting an angry tirade. "The Himuras are coming today for a visit, so I need to go to the train station to meet them, but Jiiya said that he doesn't want me to go alone, and he and the others are all busy with the restaurant and everything, so he told me to ask you to come with me."

Amazingly, she got all that out in one breath. I blinked at her behind my long bangs before I realized what she had said. Not yelled or screamed, just said. Then it took me a moment to process the fact that she didn't seem angry at all. Just anxious, hopeful, with her small bottom lip caught uncertainly in strong white teeth.

"Their train should be here any minute," Misao added, lowering her eyes, but not before I caught the brief flash of hurt in them. "I wrote Kaoru-san to ask her something, and the bird with her reply got lost in a storm. It didn't get here until this morning, so I didn't know until a few minutes ago that they were coming."

What was so urgent, I wondered vaguely, that Himura Kaoru would drop everything and come to Kyoto? I had a strange, unexpected pang of jealousy at that. Why did she seek the aid of an outsider? Why couldn't she have just asked one of the other Oniwabanshuu, or even me?

The only explanation that made sense was that she had asked something about me, something that Jiiya and the others couldn't answer. The very thought made me uneasy.

"Aa. I will accompany you," I agreed before I knew what I was doing. I nearly bit off my tongue, but she smiled radiantly, blissfully unaware of my inner turmoil.

This time, there were at least twice as many people thronging the streets, all chattering at once. I had no time to ponder Misao's strange behavior as I followed her, watching her carefully, trying to shut out all the noise. It was easier now, because she was there, turning around to smile at me or to tell me some mindless bit of gossip she'd overheard as we wove through the mass of people. She was my anchor to serenity, and she didn't even know it.

It occurred to me that I should tell her that. It was important, so I should simply find the words and say them. But now was not the time. We had arrived at the station just in time to see first Himura Kenshin, then his wife step out of the newly arrived train with their infant son in her arms.

"Kaoru-san!" Misao shrieked with delight and hurled herself at the older woman.

"Misao-chan, you're looking so well!" Himura-san said, grinning as she shifted the baby in her arms, catching Misao in an one-armed embrace.

"Misao-dono," Himura said quietly, a serene smile on his lips. "It has been so long since we last visited that I hardly recognized you."

"Himura, I'm so glad you could come," she said, her eyes shining with happiness. "And you brought Kenji-chan too!" Misao squealed, pulling back to get a better look at the child. "Aren't you a handsome little boy?" she cooed.

Kenji, the spitting image of his father right down to the color of his eyes, giggled at the ninja girl and turned his face into his mother's shoulder shyly.

"Mou!" Himura-san exclaimed in mock frustration. "How can I show you off if you're hiding?"

All three of them laughed at this, and even Kenji smiled, as if appreciating the joke.

I hung back a little, watching as Misao fawned over Himura's son, not wanting to intrude, and feeling out of place. I could leave now; my duty to her was discharged, and she would be safe enough walking back to the Aoiya with the Himuras.

I might have been able to unobtrusively slip away, but as luck or fate would have it, Himura's sharp purple eyes met mine, as if he sensed my thoughts. He smiled an enigmatic little smile, bowing respectfully. Caught, I returned the gesture with a nod and stepped forward.

"Aoshi," he greeted me. "It is good to see you again."

"Himura," I replied calmly, though inwardly I felt like a pupil who has betrayed his master.

Himura-san noticed me then, and smiled politely. "Shinomori-san," she said, nodding.

I returned the gesture, and she and Misao swept past me chattering away. Himura fell into step beside me as we followed them from the train station into the street. I hardly noticed the crowd around us, for the slight, short red-haired swordsman's presence had thrown my emotions into a chaotic jumble of guilt and near despair.

It was ridiculous, but I couldn't help wondering if I had disappointed him somehow. He was the man who had needlessly had worn himself down and risked his own life with my challenge, when he still had to fight Shishio. He could have refused me, but instead he chose to stay and give me back my honor, my sanity, and my life.

I can never repay him for that, even in a thousand lifetimes. But the only thing he asked in return was that I go back to the Aoiya to answer for Misao's tears. I still haven't managed to make them stop.

Maybe I had failed him, and far worse than I had ever thought possible. What I had done was unforgivable, even for her pure heart. Wasn't it? She had acted so strangely in the temple, like she wasn't angry at all. Like it didn't even matter…

"We cannot stay for too long," Himura was saying as we walked. "Yahiko is watching the dojo for us. He cannot handle so many students at once just yet, but he has been doing well enough since the baby was born. And three more students signed up just yesterday morning. Kaoru was thrilled."

"That is very good news," I respond politely. I watched Misao for a moment. She was holding the child as she and Himura-san traded stories about their lives.

I thought she would like to have children. Just seeing her with Himura's son, and how tenderly she looked at him…

She was a grown woman. She should have been married long ago, and she should have a pack of children following her around. Why was she still with the Oniwabanshuu? Why hadn't she given up on me?

"I do hope that we can have tea again while I am here," Himura went on.

"It would be my pleasure," I said, as I could hardly refuse. I had hoped that we would never have to go through that again, the first time was so awkward. I was abrupt to the point of being rude, and I'd done it to save my own pride.

I cannot express the sheer gratitude that I feel to this man for what he has done for me. There is absolutely nothing I can do; I can't even think about simply saying "thank you" without getting uncomfortable. And I feel guilty for not being able to thank him in words, which only makes it worse. Any small action I have taken to show how much our fight meant to me, such as having tea with him, seems so trivial as to be laughable.

Suddenly, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Two men stood in an alley between two shops, arguing. I had never seen them before. They were too far away for me to hear what they were saying, but one of them pointed straight at Misao, gesturing angrily.

"Trouble?" Himura asked almost without moving his lips. He was smiling as if not paying attention to the men, but his hand was on the hilt of his sakaba-tou.

"Perhaps." I watched them, letting my eyes glare a warning at them. I did not know what their problem was, but if they tried to harm my Misao, they wouldn't last a heartbeat.

I'd rip their intestines out myself.

Then one of the men, catching my gaze for just an instant, clamped his arm firmly on the shoulder of the other man and dragged him out of sight.

"They seem to be moving on," Himura said amiably, glancing at the oblivious Misao and Himura-san. He relaxed a little, dropping his hand from his sword.

"Let's hope they don't come back," I murmured.

I made a mental note to go through some of the paperwork Okina had been piling up on my desk. I'd been letting it slide recently because of my confusion regarding a certain onmitsu girl, but it was time I looked at it. There could be something in it that would tell me who those two men were.

If not, then I needed to find some other way to learn their identities and their grievance with my Misao.

Whatever happened to us, I vowed, I would never stop protecting her. I would never leave her again.

Maybe that would help me find a way to stop her tears forever.

TBC

Hey, all, I just wanted to let you know that this story is also posted at Mir-san's web site, Tales of the Meiji Era, a Rurouni Kenshin fanfiction archive which you can find at http://tfme.net/tfme. Arigatou gozaimasu, Mir-san!

In case you're wondering, the reason this chapter and the last one are in Aoshi's POV is because I wrote a lemon version of chapter 6 in Misao's. If you're curious, it's called Come Undone, and you can find it on my profile on FanFiction.net.

And thank you Noa, Kyme-chan, lebleuphenix, The Wanderer, Sweetgrass, Bumblebee-Queen, and alost_Cause for reviewing Come Undone. ^_^

Chapter title from Jim Steinman's Total Eclipse of the Heart, as sung by Bonnie Tyler.

Once upon a time I was falling in love

But now I'm only falling apart.

There's nothing I can do

A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life

But now there's only love in the dark.

Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart