Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Heaven In Your Arms ❯ Reaching Into Nothing ( Chapter 7 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

ANN: Any flashbacks will be indicated by ((( text ))) as writing in italics sucks.

Chapter 7: Reaching Into Nothing

While Sano took his head band out from his hair and rung it dry, Kenshin didn't mean to be rude by not talking but he was lost in thought. He had been thinking about what Sano had suggested, coming up to his apartment to just dry off a little before he went home. He had agreed without thinking about it, but they'd be alone together, and that worried him. Not because of what Sano might do, of course not, but because of what he himself might do.

Walking away.

That was his plan.

He wanted to stay with him, he wanted to be happy, but he knew he was only being selfish thinking that way. It's true that nothing might happen to Sano, nothing had happened to Soujirou, but still… although he wanted to stay with Sano, he didn't want to tell him about his past. He didn't want to go through that again, no matter how much he may deserve to be hurt like that, he didn't want to see that look on Sano's face. Maybe he just wouldn't tell him, but that would eat away at him, knowing he was lying. That's why he had told Soujirou that day, he had felt guilty he was keeping such a big secret from someone he loved so much, but that had turned out to be a day he regretted.

So no, as much as he would want to stay, he had to walk away, for his own sanity, and Sano's own safety.

Soon they arrived outside Sano's apartment, and as Kenshin turned the ignition off and the engine went quiet, he sighed quietly to himself. He wanted something he wasn't allowing himself to have. He knew he would end up telling him about his past if he stayed, and he didn't want that memory of Sano's hated glare when he did. This was to just have one final happy memory, that was all…no fear…no hatred.

“Sa—“ Kenshin began, but was cut off.

“-So err…you wanna come up?”

Kenshin looked over at him, eyes meeting and Sano's looking away for a minute, before looking back at him, an embarrassed smile on his face that he was trying to hide. There was a look in Sano's eyes that made the hidden concern in Kenshin's own eyes soften. Did he really like him that much?

Kenshin closed his eyes and smiled to himself. He didn't have to stay for too long, and well, he was getting a little cold, it wouldn't hurt for just a few minutes right?

“Alright.” He replied, opening his eyes to see Sano quickly hide a grin that had flashed across his face for a split second.

Smiling warmly at that reaction, Kenshin opened the door to step out, Sano following, and locked his car once again. It was still raining hard outside, so the two rushed up the steps to the front door of Sano's apartment building.

“Err…I hope you don't mind but the elevators broken….again” Sano added quietly, as he opened the cracked glass door as the two bedraggled looking young men stepped inside in the main hallway.

“Don't mind at all.” Kenshin replied, as the two of them headed for the windy metal staircase heading up to the top floor.

As they travelled up, Kenshin's face gradually looked more and more worried. There was a lot of graffiti on the walls inside, and as they past one floor could hear a mother screaming at her kids coming loud and clear from inside one of the doors. Sano glanced across at him and his eyes softened, smiling. It was true it did look like he lived in a dump, but his little apartment was nice.

As they reached the top floor, passing a guy on their left with a lot of tattoos banging on a door asking his girlfriend to let him back in, Sano stopped at his door other side of the staircase.

“Here we are.” He said, unlocking the door and walking inside, Kenshin following. With the plain grey wallpaper adorning the walls in the corridor, Kenshin prepared for the worst inside, but actually found that Sano was right. It was small, three rooms, Kitchen, Bathroom, and the Living room which doubled over as his bedroom too, but it was cosy, comfy looking, just right for a student living on his own.

“Sano…” he said, a small smile of relief finding his lips.

“See? I told you before you shouldn't worry.” Sano said, shutting the door behind him and walking into his Living room, “It is small, but it's enough for me. Despite the area I kinda like living here, people tend to ignore you on the top floor.”

Walking through into the bathroom, Kenshin sitting down on the three seata bed sofa, Sano grabbed a large blue towel and chucked it through the door, Kenshin laughing as it landed on his head, practically covering his entire body.

“Sorry.” Sano smiled, grabbing another towel for himself as Kenshin wrapped his around his shoulders, flipping his wet hair back over the towel, Sano sitting down next to him rubbing his hair.

“How long have you lived here for?” Kenshin asked, looking around the main room, a pile of CD's stacked up in the corner.

“About three years.”

Kenshin turned to look at him surprised, “Three years? So this wasn't just accommodation for college?”

“Nah. My dad pays for me to be here, but I couldn't stand living with my mum so I moved out as soon as I could. My family's a bit weird, trust me this is better like this.” He added, seeing the saddened look on Kenshin's face. “Sooo err, what about your family? When did you move out?” he said, to change the conversation from his own family.

Kenshin looked away from a moment, “Oh err, I don't…actually remember my parents, I was an orphan.”

Sano wondered if it was wrong that his first thought to hearing that was that it made Kenshin seen even cuter, but soon pushed that to the back of his mind.

“Oh…that's too bad.” He said, not really sure how to react to that.

Kenshin smiled at him, “It's alright, I grew up with Miss Takani and Mr Shinamori from college. They're half brother and sister and their parents adopted me.”

“So that's why you became a teacher huh?”

Kenshin chuckled, “You could say that. Their mother was a doctor while Megumi's father was a teacher, and I guess she did both. Aoshi's father was a detective, but he got killed in action shortly before I lived with them.”

“Wow,” he said, impressed, “Guess you couldn't skive off any homework then eh?” he said grinning.

“Definitely not.” Kenshin laughed back, “Even on birthday's, homework came first.”

“Wow…that must have sucked.” Sano chuckled back, just imagining the three of them as kids being taunted with a line up of presents but piles of homework do to first, parents standing there waving fingers at them to get their education done before any fun. “Hey yeah, when is your birthday?” Sano asked, wanting to know as much as he could.

At that question, Kenshin looked away, glancing up at the round clock stuck slightly crookedly on the wall “Actually…” he began, just as the second hand ticked over 12 midnight, “…it's today.”

“What!” Sano said, jumping up to the edge of his seat.

“Well, it's not my real birthday,” Kenshin said, looking at the floor, “I don't know when my real birthday is, but this is the day that they foun—that I was adopted by them,” Kenshin was glad he caught himself then, he didn't want Sano asking too many questions, “so we've always called this my birthday.”

“Why didn't you say anything? I would have got you something.” Sano said, disappointed. “I feel guilty now.”

Kenshin smiled warmly at him, “You didn't know, it's fine, I've never been one for big celebrations anyway, that I haven't.”

“Well I have to give you something, at least a little thing until I can get you something nicer.” He said, looking around the room to see if there was anything decent enough to give him until this evening when he could go out and buy something.

“Sano…it doesn't matter, really.” Kenshin said, feeling guilty that he'd made Sano feel guilty.

Frowning annoyed at himself that he never kept nice ornaments or something that he could give him for now, Sano suddenly had a different thought. Turning back to look at him, he stared at him for a moment. Maybe he could…

“Kenshin?”

Kenshin, who had been looking down at his fingers in his lap on not knowing what to say, turned back to look at him, and as he did, Sano suddenly dipped his head and placed his lips on a stunned Kenshin's. One hand cupping Kenshin's right cheek, the soft and loving kiss lasted for only a short while before Sano gently pulled away, opening his warm toned eyes to look upon the small faint blush that had appeared on Kenshin's cheeks.

“….What was that for?” Kenshin asked quietly.

“It's your birthday kiss.” He replied. He had actually wanted an excuse to kiss him, sitting there looking so irresistible, dying to feel those lips again, but unsure up until that point if he should. If they had been outside or back in the club and kissed, he wouldn't have hesitated, but here…alone in his apartment…he wasn't sure if kissing him would be a good idea in case…they both got another idea.

Which as it would seem, was where it was heading.

Sano slowly entwined his fingers with some strands of Kenshin's hair, leisurely sliding downwards to his chin, the sides of his fingers moving down the soft skin on his cheek. Their eyes didn't move from each other's stare, and slowly, almost asking permission, Sano moved forward, both of them closing their eyes as their lips met once again. Small, gentle kisses, as Sano placed his hand at the back of Kenshin's neck, bringing him forward just that little bit more as those small kisses began to last longer, their lips pressing more avidly against each other. Sano could feel Kenshin's unsure arms reach up to his shoulders, draping themselves around his neck as Sano dipped his tongue into Kenshin's mouth, the passionate and adoring feelings he was feeling right then seeming to pour into him, Kenshin moaning softly as Sano held him tightly against him, never wanting to let this perfect being out of his arms.

This wasn't a kiss they had shared before, this was something different. Sano gently lay Kenshin down on the sofa, their lips still locked together, one free hand gently pushing away the towel that was around Kenshin's shoulders, and as their kiss broke for a moment to be able to breath, before claiming his lips once again, Sano knew this was leading somewhere else.

Kenshin's eyes fell shut as Sano began to kiss along his jaw line; head falling back against one of the cushions, letting Sano continue his gentle kisses down his neck. Delicately licking across his collarbone, Sano could feel Kenshin's pulse beneath his lips, and it made his own heart beat faster.

Moving back up, Sano claimed his lips once more, gently slipping aside the silken shirt off Kenshin's shoulders, his skin still damp from the rainwater. Sano felt one of Kenshin's hands meld themselves into his hair as they kissed, the other grasping his shoulder as Sano's own hands weaved underneath his body, pulling him further towards him, their bodies meeting and pressing against one another, Sano suddenly realising he'd made Kenshin very much aware of how much wanted him by doing that.

Sano resumed his quest down Kenshin's chest, undoing the last few buttons at the bottom of Kenshin's shirt and pushing it aside. He left trails of butterfly kisses everywhere, every piece of skin he could see he left his mark, and although he'd already known it before, this was just proving more and more that Kenshin truly was the most beautiful person he had ever seen.

This was actually happening, and Kenshin wasn't saying no! He had him in his apartment, the middle of the night, half undressed lying on his sofa, the most adorable blush on his cheeks, letting Sano slowly begin to make love to him. He had to kiss him again, he didn't want to ever stop kissing him. Leaning back up and dipping his tongue into Kenshin's willing mouth once more, Sano's hand found the waistband of Kenshin's hip level leather pants, finding the top clasp.

Suddenly though, Kenshin's hands flew up to his shoulders and he broke their kiss, staring up at Sano with wide troubled eyes. Sano stared down at him wondering what was suddenly wrong.

“Sano…” Kenshin said, staring up into his chocolate eyes before looking away, “…we shouldn't do this.” He whispered softly.

Sano's eyes widened. But…but…, “Did I do something wrong?” he asked, worried that he may have hurt him somehow or…or something…

Kenshin smiled up at him gently, “No, you didn't do anything wrong…” he glanced away again, “…It's just…” Kenshin paused for a moment before looking back up at him, seeing the worry in his eyes. He smiled softly, burying his head at the base of his neck, “…just not tonight okay?”

Sano wondered why, but he had seen that smile and a little relief washed over him. Kenshin wasn't angry with him, so he hadn't done anything wrong, maybe he just wasn't in the mood…or something like that. He smiled, kissing the top of his head and he held him close for a moment, breathing in the scent of the faintly fruity smell of his shampoo. After a moment, Sano could feel Kenshin move away, so he got from lying on him, sitting at the edge of the sofa.

Kenshin pulled his shirt back over his shoulders, his hair shielding his eyes. Sano watched him for a moment, wondering what had caused the concern in his eyes for that brief second.

“I should go.” Kenshin said, looking back over at Sano.

“Sure, okay.” Sano said, feeling a little awkward but standing up nevertheless, Kenshin following and heading for the door. As Sano opened it, Kenshin walking through first, Sano made sure to grab his keys from a small side table and turned to Kenshin. “I'll walk you ou—“

“—No,” Kenshin interrupted, and Sano frowned at the sudden sternness in his voice. Kenshin must have realised though because he turned around and smiled kindly, “It's still raining outside, that it is. I wouldn't want you getting any wetter. I'll see you tomorrow.”

As Kenshin turned around without another glance, Sano grabbed onto his hand, “Wait.” He said, and Kenshin turned back to look at him.

He didn't know why, but this sudden strange behaviour was distressing him. Why did he make him stop? Why was he leaving so suddenly without even a kiss as a goodbye? Surely after that little incident he could kiss him goodnight at least?

“Are you sure your okay?” Sano asked. It felt like Kenshin was suddenly hiding something.

Kenshin paused, staring at Sano as he held his hand, refraining him from leaving, “I'm fine.” He said, smiling, but Sano could see a sadness in that smile.

Without another thought, Sano took a step forward and pressed his lips against Kenshin's, just for a brief moment, wanting to make that silent sadness he could see disappear. “I love you.” He whispered as he pulled away, suddenly wondering if saying that so soon was a mistake. But seeing that blush spread over Kenshin cheeks again made him grin inside. He wouldn't blush if he didn't feel something, maybe he should just stop worrying so much.

Kenshin looked away shyly, looked back again and blushed, before turning and walking towards the stairs, letting Sano's hand slip from his own. Sano stood by his open door, watching Kenshin walk out of sight down the stairs, and turned around back into his apartment, letting the door fall shut behind him.

He stood there for a moment, leaning back against the door, hands shoved in his pockets, staring up at the ceiling. Wow, he thought to himself, a naughty little smile reaching his lips.

There aren't enough cold showers in the world to help me outta this one.

On the journey back home, the rain still pouring down, Kenshin was practically yelling at himself inside. What had he said to himself before he went in there? “wouldn't hurt for just a few minutes right?”. Ha! He got carried away then, he'd almost crossed a line he wasn't letting himself cross.

He gripped the steering wheel tighter as he drove down the empty midnight streets, angry at himself for what he'd almost done. And yet…it was like there was two sides of him. One side wanted to leave, never see him again, afraid of what might happen if he found out about his past, but the other half…the other half wanted to stay, wanted to risk everything if it meant he had a chance of happiness. Risk the fear of hatred, risk the worry of pain, risk everything…for Sano.

But no…he couldn't! He wouldn't put Sano through this, he wouldn't put him in dange—

Kenshin stopped at a red traffic light and noticed a young couple standing by a bus stop, huddled under one small umbrella, laughing as it wasn't quite big enough so cuddling in each others arms to try and stay dry, smiles across their faces. He sat there and watched them, not caring about the rain, not caring that their small umbrella wasn't helping very much and they were still getting wet. They weren't caring what was happening to them, because they were smiling at each other. They held each other closely, happy there, despite the rain.

That's what Kenshin wanted. Someone to get lost in, someone that, it didn't matter what was happening around them, someone to stay with, someone to love him just like that, someone to…

((( “K-Kenshin?”

Kenshin suddenly found himself wrapped up in Megumi's arms, huddled on the floor of their kitchen. Kenshin clung to her like she was the last thing he had, his tears streaming so fast down his face he couldn't even tell anymore that he was crying.

Soujirou…why?…why did you…

He couldn't handle it…he couldn't believe what he had said…not from him…not from someone he loved so much.

Vaguely, above his own desperate cries, he could hear Megumi's own tearful voice, asking what had happened, what was wrong, why the clear glass rose Soujirou had bought him lay shattered across the floor.

He didn't want this feeling…he felt like he'd died from the inside, the tears seemingly unable to stop, his heart feeling like a lead weight in his chest. Why did he tell him? Why did he tell him the truth?…..because he thought he would still love him, that's why. How could he be so stupid! Like anyone could possible still love him after finding out about that!

He wouldn't love anyone else…never…never did he want to see that face again…so much hatred from someone he loved. He clung to Megumi tighter, burying his head against her shoulder as she held him so tight. Why wasn't this making him feel better? Why wasn't someone who loved him making this pain go away? It was because she didn't know. No one knew. She was trying to make him feel better, but how could she when she didn't know the truth? Kenshin frightened himself as that thought made him feel like he should tell her… tell her what he had told Soujirou…

No…he'd tell no one else, he couldn't bear it. Even if it meant living the rest of his life as a lie, he couldn't stand to go through this again…so much pain…he knew he deserved it, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt any less. He would run away…yes…run away from the pain…it'll be lonely but…even to be alone forever, even hiding in shame…

…was better than seeing that face again. )))

Kenshin snapped out of his thoughts as the bus the couple had been waiting for pulled up, the two of them running inside out the rain.

Is that really what he had been doing this whole time? Running away? Scared of something that might or might not happen? He frowned, annoyed at himself. It was wasn't it? This had nothing to do with Sano's safety, Sano wasn't in danger! Saito had left Soujirou alone, why would he bother Sano? He had just been saying that as an excuse this whole time! Saying he was worried over Sano's safety, when all he was doing was running away from the fear…the fear of rejection. Sano would be fine, it was him, it was the coward inside of himself that wanted to run away from the possibility of that happening again…of the rejection…the hatred from someone he loved.

Would he be doing this forever? Falling in love, playing them along and then leaving? Sano…Sano cared for him…he'd hurt him just be leaving…he might not know the truth…but he…he had said loved him.

He loved him.

Sanosuke…had fallen in love with him.

Kenshin stared with lonely eyes up to sunroof, seeing nothing but the splashing of water droplets from the sky. He had had enough of being afraid. He had had enough of running away. He wouldn't tell him about his past. He wouldn't let him know. Sano had fallen for the person he had become now…he didn't need to know about the past. And if he never knew, then there was no problem in loving him. He could spend forever with him…he could be loved again…to remember that feeling.

Kenshin closed his eyes. He would have to suppress the feeling of guilt at not telling him the truth, but for his own sake of happiness, he'd have to learn to live with it. He loved him. He loved Sano, he wanted to stay with him, and for the first time in seven and half years…

Kenshin was going to allow himself to fall in love.

As soon as that thought entered his mind, it was like a rush of warmth spread throughout his entire body. His heart, heavy with the sorrow and pain of the rejection before, seemed to spring back to life, feeling light again at the prospect of finally being able to admit it loved someone. Kenshin had forgotten this feeling, buried it so deep inside, he couldn't stop the smile that spread across his lips, raising his hand to hide it embarrassingly even though no one else was there. He wanted…he wanted to go back…he wanted to see him…to stay with him tonight.

Jumping slightly in surprise when another car's horn behind him blasted into the air, and he released he'd been sitting staring into space at a green light, Kenshin indicated into someone's driveway and turned around, heading back towards Sano's apartment.

It had been so long since he had felt this, he wanted to spend tonight just wrapped up in his arms, just together, forgetting everything, every memory of his past, just get lost in his love…and never leave those arms.

He was tired of being alone, now, he wanted to fall in love.

Only a few more minutes away, and Kenshin wondered what was going on with the sudden mass of fire engines that had gone zooming past him, followed by several ambulances. It looked like they were heading in the same direction he was, and wondered vaguely what could have happened, hoping that, with this heavy rain, where ever the fire was it would be out soon.

Following along behind them, Kenshin's vague worry suddenly turned into a more personal worry, as every street they went down also happened to be the same ones that led to Sano's apartment. Suddenly over the rooftops, Kenshin made out a thick band of smoke rising into the rain filled air, the fire engine at the front turning a sharp left, the sirens stopping indicating it had arrived at its destination.

Kenshin's car slowly came to a stop at the side of the street. Wait a minute…the building around that corner…that….that was…

Without a second thought, Kenshin flew open his car door, not even bothering to shut it as he ran out into the rain, flying past the fire engines to the building ablaze in front of him.

Stopping…staring…Kenshin didn't want to believe what he was seeing. Right in front of him, red and yellow reflecting in the puddles on the street, people crying and firemen desperately trying to put out the raging flames, was Sano's apartment building.

His heart seemed to have stopped, his breath caught in his throat, “Wait…” Kenshin whispered, unable to take his eyes away from the top floor, “…please…” Suddenly whipping around, Kenshin's panicked eyes searched the crowd of people that had gathered, “…Sano?” he whispered, finding his voice lost at a thought he didn't want to admit to think. “Sano?” he said louder, taking a step forward, before running over to one of the ambulance men, “Is there a man here called Sanosuke Sagara? Have you seen him?” he said, trying to stay calm, but his short breaths giving away a rising panic.

“Hang on, I'll go check.” The man said, running over to another doctor helping with a stretcher of a woman the firemen had just brought out of the building. A few words were past, and the man came back to him.

“We haven't seen anyone by that name.” He said, worry in his voice, “Why do you know if someone's still in there?”

Kenshin's eyes widened in terror.

“He's not…he's…not here?” his last two words fell to a whisper, before the crowd suddenly gasped in shock, an almightily crash coming from behind him.

As he slowly turned around, the flames reflecting in his wide eyes, the blazing building collapsed, the fireman sprinting out of the way and pushing the crowd back from the danger.

Kenshin didn't even register that he himself had been pushed back into the crowd, the mangled mess of voices, shouts and cries disappearing from his mind, as he stared at nothing but the dancing flames, torturing his mind. Sano wasn't here, he wasn't in the crowd, he wasn't in the ambulance…which meant he was still…

“S….” Kenshin could feel his body start to shake; “Sa…” tears fell from his eyes adding to the rain falling from the sky, “Sano…” his hand reached out, reaching into nothing as if he could bring him back…

Please………no………

“SANOSUKE!”

To Be Continued…