Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ It's Been a While ❯ oneshot ( Chapter 1 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Author: Silent Tears of Agony
Title: It's Been a While
Chap: oneshot
Rating: PG

This is my very first time writing a character fic (at least, I think this would be considered a character fic). It is also my first time writing a first person story. So you have been warned that this is a practice story. (;

As far as I know, the girl that Kenji is talking to at the end of Seis Houen (sp?) doesn't have a name. I watched that scene a couple of times to make sure I didn't miss her name, and I didn't hear one mentioned for her. However, Chizuru seems to be the accepted name among the fan community, so that is the one I will use in this story. If you know differently, I would be happy if you corrected me. (:

The lyrics you find in this story are from the song It's Been a While from Staind.

I do not own RK

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It's Been A While
Since I Could . . .

I blinked my eyes open, trying to figure out where I was before I remembered that I'm back in my old room and no longer staying in Hiko-sensei's cabin. I should have known Yahiko-sensei would come drag me back to my mother.

Sometimes I think the man is more devoted to her than I am - her own son. He's certainly more devoted to her than her husband. I know my face must be betraying my anger toward the man I loathe to call my father.

Still, even with all the bitter emotions being here evoked - it felt good to be home.

Hold My Head Up High
It's Been A While

I knocked on the shoji lightly and waited for my mother's voice to signal me to come in. We smiled at each other when I entered the door.

"Good morning Kenji-chan. How are you today?" My heart aches at her cheerful tone and I force my body to move forward instead of turning around like I want to do.

Even on the brink of death, mother looks after other people.

"Mother, you mustn't call me '-chan' anymore," I scold her childishly, hoping to keep some sort of semblance of normalcy. "I'm too big."

"Forgive me," mother was able to curl a hand around my cheek, for I had kneeled next to her futon. "I keep forgetting you aren't my little boy anymore, but a young man."

I smiled at her and pushed the tray I had brought in forward. "I brought you some breakfast. You need to eat at least part of it to keep your strength up." I know from Yahiko how poor her appetite has been lately.

Mother squeezed my hand as I helped her sit up. "I am lucky to have such a good son."

I hold back a wince, knowing I haven't been a good son to either of my parents for the past few years. But I feel within myself that I'm finally changing things. At least between my mother and me.

I'm still not sure my father deserves it.

Since I First Saw You
It's Been A While

I helped mother out to the front porch where we both sat for some fresh air. Or at least mother was getting some fresh air. I had stayed with her to help her keep warm. She's been so cold that lately I've taken to wrapping her in a blanket and holding her next to me.

I remember when I was younger, mother would hold me close to her when I wasn't feeling well or was sad. I used to wonder if it comforted her to hold me the same way it comforted me to be held.

But now I know better. Maybe it's because I'm so young. Or maybe it's because I know no matter how hard I try, mother will still die, but every time I hold her I feel as if my heat was being transferred directly into her body, leaving me with nothing.

I wonder if someday I'll find I can't ever get warm again.

I feel mother stir next to me and I assume that she sees someone she knows - as I had left the gate open for that very purpose. I looked up to see that it was Chizuru, smiling at my mother. I hadn't talked to her since before I left for Hiko-san's and from the look she gave me I can only guess she's not going to let me forget anytime soon that I didn't tell her I was back. I can feel the blood rush to my face at just the thought.

It seems I have more heat left in my body than I thought.

Since I Could Stand
On My Own Two Feet Again

I brought mother her evening tea to find her sitting in the dark, staring at nothing. I've found her doing this a few other times and frankly - it scares me every time I do.

I shuffled my way over to the lantern so I could light it. I hesitated before walking over to stand next to mother.

"Mother..." She looked up when I addressed her softly. It took a few seconds, but I knew she recognized me when her eyes cleared up and she smiled kindly at me. "Mother I brought some tea for you."

"That sounds wonderful Kenji. Thank you." She patted the space next to her. "Sit with me please." I had no choice but to accept when she used that tone of voice. It was more than a request, but less than a demand.

I suppose anyone with a mother would know what I was talking about. "Are you okay, mother?"

"Oh, yes. I - I was just thinking."

I frowned when she started to get a far-off look in her eyes again. "Is that the truth?"

Her gaze snapped back to me and her eyes cleared. "Yes." She reached a hand up to brush a few stray hairs from my face. "I was just thinking how much you and your father are alike."

I could feel my face distort into a scowl. "I am nothing like that man!"

Suddenly, the hand that had so lovingly caressed me, swung back to slap my cheek, leaving a stinging sensation in its wake. I looked at my mother in shock. I had received my fair share of spankings while growing up, but mother had never struck me.

"I will not tolerate such behavior. As your parents, your father and I deserve more respect."

I hung my head and mumbled an apology.

Mother's body relaxed slightly as she squeezed my hand. "It's not such a bad thing you know. I understand that you are angry with your father, and ... I guess I can't really blame you for that. But your father is a good man." I fought to keep a scowl off my face and I guess it must have showed because she sighed. "If you don't believe me, why don't you talk to some of the people he has helped. They can tell you."

I was still skeptical about what mother was saying. But if talking to these people will make mother feel better, then I will do it.

And It's Been A While
Since I Could Call You

I looked up at the sky in an effort to hold the tears back.

I am too old to cry.

I absently started to count the stars in a further attempt to distract myself. I remember when I was about - I think - five. It was one of the rare times father was home. He found me trying to count the stars and asked if he could join me. We had to start over so many times, I'm not sure how long we were out there before we finally gave up.

I think I fell asleep first because I have a vague memory of being held in a strong embrace, surrounded by feelings of warmth and safety. I suppose if someone were to find out about that, they would assume I'd scorn my father for encouraging foolish actions in a child.

Yet, perhaps it is because it is one of the few good memories of time spent with my father. Perhaps it is because it is one of the few memories of time spent with him period. Whatever the reason is, somehow . . . I just can't bring myself to hate that memory.

And Everything I Can Remember
As F-ed As It All May Seem To Be

My eyes were trained on the small river flowing in front of me.

Whenever I'm upset, I always come sit by the creek bank. Partly because I find the sound of the rushing water soothing, and partly because mother once told me it was her favorite place to go when she was younger. I guess in a way, I felt it somehow brought us closer. I'll have to bring her over here soon, I'm sure visiting this place again would make her happy.

When I hear footsteps behind me, I don't have to look around to know that they belong to Chizuru. She sat next to me and gazed at the creek in the same manner I did. I hoped that she wouldn't say anything, but knowing Chizuru, that was too much to ask.

"Your mother said I might find you here." I knew it was rude, but I didn't feel like talking so I merely shrugged my shoulders. Chizuru gave a long sigh. The selfish thought that I had more right to that action than she did briefly flitted through my mind before I felt guilty about it.

Chizuru grabbed my chin and gently turned my face toward her, forcing our eyes to meet. "Kenji, what's wrong?"

I averted my eyes away from her's. "Nothing."

Chizuru dropped her hand into her lap and sighed again. "Why do you do this to us? You and your father both keep secrets from your mother and me. I know you two are trying to protect us, but it just makes us worry more."

I stiffened then let out a slow breath, forcing myself to relax. I looked to the sky and watched the budding branches of the trees sway in the wind. "Mother made a comparison between father and me the other night. Needless to say, I wasn't happy. But she convinced me to talk to other people who knew my father to try and get a better understanding of him."

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea."

I gave a huffy sigh. "But I don't want to!"

"Kenji grow up and be a man!"

I stared at her in shock that quickly turned to anger at her forceful exclamation. "I am a man." I tried to sound firm, but even to my ears my declaration sounded more like a childish whine.

"No, you are a boy who is so full of hate, he's afraid to find out he was wrong about his father."

I narrowed my eyes and whirled around to leave. "I don't have to take this!" I had barely hissed the words out when Chizuru yanked me back by the collar of my gi.

"Kenji I don't blame you for being angry with your father for never being home. There are some days I'm still mad at my mother for dying, and she didn't have a choice in the matter like your father does. I know it would be better if he was here for you to learn about him. But I think it would do you some good to find out about him, even if the knowledge is second-hand."

I sighed. "I really don't want to. But," I hastily amended when I saw the sparks growing in her eyes. "I suppose you and mother are right."

Chizuru smiled triumphantly and patted me on the arm.

Consequences That I've Rendered
Have Stretched Myself Beyond My Means

This time, I didn't bother to stop the tears. I only tried to stifle my sobs so that I wouldn't disturb mother. Apparently I wasn't doing a very good job because she soon came into the room with a worried look on her face.

"Mother," I quickly dashed a sleeve across my wet cheeks. "I'm sorry dinner is late. I'll start on it right now." I moved to go to the kitchen but mother grabbed my sleeve to stop me.

"I know I'm sick and can't do much Kenji. And I know that the responsibility of caring for me and the house lies mostly on you." Mother's voice started to waver, "But if I can't help my son when he's hurting then I'd be just as much use dead!"

"Don't!" I shocked us both by yelling. "Mother please don't say that," I choked out.

Mother wrapped my arms around me and gently forced me to sit down. "Then please tell me what's hurting you."

I bit my lip and looked away. When I spoke again it was in a low voice. "I did what you told me to do. I talked with those people the other day." Mother rubbed my back, encouraging me to continue talking. "And ... and they all talked about how grateful they were that he helped them. They all told me I must be very proud to be his son."

By now I was sobbing uncontrollably and I had buried my face in mother's lap. "And ... and all I could think about w-was that something must be wrong with me. I - I thought that maybe father kept leaving because I didn't give him enough of a reason to stay." It was the truth. I had secretly worried for years that I was inadequate as a son. Talking to my parents’ friends had simply forced me to admit the ugly truth to myself.

I was afraid that mother would be angry with me again for saying such a thing about my father. But to my surprise mother tightened her arms around me and ran a comforting hand through my hair.

"Oh sweetheart, that's not true. You are a good son. You bring us much honor."

I laughed bitterly. "An honorable son wouldn't have left his sick mother for his own selfish pursuits." I had done the exact same thing as my father and I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that.

Mother leaned over me so that her face was pressed against mine. "You came back," she brushed a gentle kiss across my cheek. "That's all that matters to me."

It's Been A While
Since I Could Say

I was very surprised when the postmaster told me there was a letter from father waiting at the post office.

I flipped the envelope over so that I could see the seal, I was sorely tempted to break it and read the letter inside. However, I knew what the consequences would be if I took that action so I stuck it in my pocket and waited to find out what the letter was about.

I found mother in the main room, visiting with Tsubame-san. "It is good to see you, Tsubame-san," I bowed in greeting.

Tsubame stood and bowed in return. "Kenji-kun, I have missed seeing you in town recently."

"Yes, Yahiko-sensei has allowed me to teach the beginning class so I've been busy."

"Of course, I understand," Tsubame-san agreed.

"Mother, I don't mean to interrupt your visit," I walked over to hand the letter to her. "But a letter from father came today." I had to work hard at holding back my jealousy when mother's face brightened.

Every day, I try my hardest to make mother happy and stave off her declining health. Yet, one letter from my delinquent father encourages her in a way I will never be able to.

"Tsubame-chan, would you mind if I cut our visit short today so I can read Kenshin's letter?"

Tsubame-san smiled kindly. "Of course not, Kaoru-san. I need to go start supper for Yahiko and the children anyway."

By the time I had seen Tsubame-san out to the gate and returned, mother's spirits had depressed considerably.

"Mother?" I asked hesitantly. "The letter is it .... Does it ...?" I couldn't finish the sentence. What if father was dead? How would I feel about that?

"Father is alive," mother answered my unvoiced question. "But he says there is a problem with the peace talks. He won't be able to return for at least six months later than he originally thought."

I nodded to show I understood. After receiving many such letters throughout my childhood, I was used to them. But the news had obviously disturbed mother drastically. I wonder why, she's been receiving the same type of letters as long as I have been.

Shouldn't she be used to them by now?

That I Wasn't Addicted
It's Been A While

"Hi Kenji!" Chizuru waved me over to her father's vegetable stand. I tried to return her smile, but I was too busy concentrating on keeping the contents of my stomach where they belonged.

"Kenji?" Chizuru's voice was worried. "Are you okay? Your face is very flushed. Here, have a seat."

"I'm okay. The heat was getting to me, but I'm better now."

Chizuru gave me a suspicious look. "You're drunk," she stated flatly.

I started to deny it, but considering I reeked of sake, any denial I could come up with wouldn't be very convincing. "It's hot outside," I tried to defend my actions. "Besides that I didn't drink . . . very much."

"Oh Kenji, your mother would be so disappointed if she saw you now. I'm disappointed."

"Why would she be disappointed? Mother told me Yahiko-sensei got drunk a few times and he was even younger than me!"

"I'm sure she was disappointed with him at the time!"

"If I wanted a lecture then I could just go visit Yahiko-sensei or even stay home!" I started to walk away, but what she said made me anxious. Mother would be angry with me and I didn't want to deal with that. I plopped down on the floor.

It seemed either way I was going to get a lecture.

Since I Could Say
I Love Myself As Well And ...

"Kenji what are you doing?"

I smiled at my mother's question. "Why, I came to escort you to the Tanabata festival of course."

Mother smiled and played with the collar of her kimono. "Ever since the incident that first year, your father made sure we celebrated Tanabata together." She sighed, "But I guess we will have to break that tradition this year."

The old jealousy was settling into my system again. Why couldn't she accept me as the one who would take care of her now? After what Chizuru said, I was trying so hard to show that I was a responsible adult and not a whiny little brat. Why couldn't mother see that?

"I know we usually all go together. But I hoped you wouldn't mind if just you and I went this year."

"I don't think . . ." Mother stopped and looked at me, and smile of understanding crossed her face. "I don't think I'm dressed properly. Give me an hour to get dressed and would be honored to go with you."

"Yes mother," I nodded.

"Kenji?"

I half turned to look at mother.

"Thank you. You are a good son."

I returned her smile. "Only because I have a good mother."

It's Been A While
Since I've Gone And F-ed Things up

"Takani-sensei," I greeted the woman in front of me as I grabbed her bags. "I am glad you were able to come see mother. She is getting very sick."

"Yes, I came as soon as I could after I read the letter you sent me."

We were both silent as I led Takani-sensei to mother's room. Takani-sensei looked so sad when she saw mother laying helplessly on her futon. I had become so accustomed to seeing mother this way I often forgot how difficult it must be for people who remembered her as a cheerfully active woman.

"Megumi-san, it is good to see you."

Takani-sensei made a noise of discontent. "I couldn't very well ignore that letter your son sent me. After all, I promised Ken-san I would take care of you."

Just Like I Always Do
It's Been A While
But All That S-t Seems To Disappear When I'm With You

The cherry blossoms were beautiful; at least that is what Chizuru kept telling me. I felt so guilty leaving mother alone at home that I could barely think of anything else.

"Kenji?" I felt Chizuru poke me in the side. "Kenji are you okay? You keep spacing out on me."

I scratched my head and attempted to pass it off as nothing. "I guess I'm just a little tired."

Chizuru set her hands on her hips and stared me straight in the eye. "You're feeling guilty because you're able to go out and have fun while you're mom is stuck at home, aren't you?"

I narrowed my eyes in irritation. "You know, this thing you do - always knowing my true thoughts - it’s very annoying."

She grinned cheekily. "Really? I think it comes in very handy."

I stuck my tongue out in a childish gesture, causing her to laugh. "Its good to see some of the old you back again. Your mother gave me the task of cheering you up today. So if you want to feel bad for anyone, feel bad for me."

I half-smiled. "I think I better feel sorry for myself having to spend all day with you."

Chizuru puffed out her cheeks in anger and shoved me into the creek.

"What did you do that for!" I tried to cough out the water I had accidently swallowed and my eyes were stinging. If Chizuru was trying to cheer me up with that little stunt, then she had failed miserably.

She giggled behind her hand. "You look funny."

"Well let's see how funny you look dripping with water." The brat continued to giggle some more until I started to walk toward her. Then she turned and ran. I had learned a long time ago that my friend was quite fast. However, she had worn a more conventional kimono today and that greatly constricted her movements. I caught up with Chizuru and tackled her to the ground in a matter of seconds.

"Aah! Let me go! You're going to get me wet!" She struggled against me.

"That's the idea! This is my revenge!"

She continued to struggle against me. "I mean it Kenji! Let me go!" Her tone was annoyed, but her voice also held a hint of a plea.

I dropped my arms and she immediately sat up. "You're so mean!"

"You started it," I reminded her. I was already starting to feel better than I had in weeks. Perhaps my family knew what they were doing after all.

Chizuru stood and dusted herself off. "This dirt is never going to come off. Thanks to you, my -" she stopped ranting and stared off at a clump of trees behind me.

"Why did you stop? Don't tell me you're actually being nice and giving me a break." I teased her.

Ignoring my question, she continued to look behind me. "Kenji," she spoke slowly as if she was unsure what she wanted to say. "Is that ... a body over by the trees?"

Why Must I Feel This Way?
Just Make This Go Away

We found not one, but two bodies by the trees. Somehow mother knew that my father came back today. They died together. My father's promise to return was the only thing keeping mother alive. Perhaps, in the end, it was the only thing keeping him alive as well.

I was jealous of mother. She was allowed to speak to him one last time. Now I will never know if we had a chance to repair our relationship.

For the briefest of seconds, I considered walking away and leaving them both to rot. However, I would never be able to handle the guilt of doing that to my beloved mother and she would never have forgiven me if I were to treat him in that manner.

Yahiko-sensei walked up to stand next to me. "I was on my way home when Chizuru-chan told me what happened," he explained.
"I asked her to find you so you could help me." I paused in my speech, trying to find the best way to ask him what I wanted. "I know mother was very special to you, but would you mind ... That is I don't ..." I took a shaky breath. "I don't think I could handle -"

A gentle hand was placed on my shoulder. "I understand, Kenji-kun." He carefully picked up mother. "If you need me to carry your father too, I'll understand."

I stood there for a long time, looking at everything but the dead body in front of me.

Right now, I really do wish I could just leave everything behind.

Just One More Peaceful Day
But Then I Go And F-k Things Up Again

I sat next to Chizuru through most of the wake. Of course, Tae-san, Tsubame-san, Yahiko-sensei, and Megumi-sensei attended the wake as well. I wanted to be able to talk freely and I felt my friend would be less likely to criticize me than the adults.

"You're supposed to be praying," Chizuru whispered out of the side of her mouth.

"I want to talk with you."

"Isn't the journey of your parents souls more important to you?" she chastised.

I didn't think any amount of praying was going to help my father's soul but I decided it was best not to say that. "I'm thinking about leaving."

"Now?" Though she still kept her voice low, Chizuru's posture made it obvious she was no longer praying.

"No, after the funeral service."

She rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Then you can wait to tell me about. It's good to see you're still thinking a little rationally."

"I'm serious Chizuru!"

"So am I!" she whispered fiercely. "Kenji, this is a time to show respect for your parents. Not to worry about some trip you plan to take!"

I felt as if the last light in my world had been switched off and I was now completely in the dark. "I don't know how I feel about my parents right now! I need time to sort out these things. I came to you because I thought you would listen to me, but I guess I was wrong."

With these words, I stormed out of the room. I knew everyone was watching me, and yes, I was embarrassed by my words.

But I couldn't take them back - so I just kept on walking.

It's Been A While
Since I Could ...

Leaving so abruptly wasn't one of my smartest moves. I hadn't even grabbed a change of clothes so I wandered for several days in my mourning attire. I was tempted to return home, but I was still too ashamed of my actions. In the end, I sold them and used the money to buy sturdier clothes and a little food.
As I nibbled on my sushi, I thought of what I might do tomorrow. I refused to dishonor my sword by hiring it out, so I suppose my only option is to work odd jobs. I observed many families milling about as I scouted around for such jobs. An intense loneliness welled up inside of me. Was it the same way for my father? Did he have this overwhelming sense of loss when he was away from mother and I?

A pricking sensation started in the back of my eyes, causing me to blink rapidly. From the time I was very young, I wondered if I would cry for my father when he died. Now that I'm faced with that situation, I still don't know the answer.

Look At Myself Straight
It's Been A While

Half of the population I came into contact with wouldn't look at me. I couldn't blame them. My hair was shaggy, my clothes were practically rags, and I haven't bathed properly in close to a month. If I had thought my father enjoyed life on the road, the last year made me rethink such assumptions.

Lately my thoughts often wandered to the man who fathered me. Did people treat him as they do me? If so then why did he continue to travel? Did he prefer the excitement of adventure over a complacent family life?

Mother once told me my father wondered before they were married and he felt he still needed to atone. What he needed to atone for, I do not know. But what sin could be so great as to make a father abandon his family?

Since I've Said I'm Sorry
It's Been A While

Five years have passed since I left home, I'm 20 now. I often think about the family I left behind. How big were Yahiko-sensei's children? Was he training a new student to become the assistant master? Had Chizuru found a husband?

Did they ever think about me?

I wanted so badly to see everyone again, but I was afraid to find the answer to the question I was more afraid to think about than all the others.

Could I be forgiven?

Since I've Seen The Way
The Candles Light Your Face

I felt very much like a pervert as I watched Chizuru through the living area window. She was merely performing household chores, yet I still felt she wouldn't be pleased if she knew I was watching her. She had matured beautifully over the past five and a half years. I wonder how her personality has matured during that time?

A cough worked its way into my chest and I was unable to hold it back for long. The noise brought Chizuru to the door.

"Hello? Is anybody there?" She waited for a response and walked outside to investigate when there was none. She was as brave as I remembered her to be. And as foolish. For all she knew I could have been a thief or a madman who wouldn't think twice about killing her.

"Kikuchyo-chan, if you're trying to pay a trick on me, it isn't funny!"

I was torn between hiding further in the bushes and taking the appropriate action by answering her. With a shaky breath I stepped out of the shadows. "I'm not Kikuchyo."

Chizuru's face paled considerably upon seeing me. "Kenji ..." Her eyes grew sad. "All this time I wondered if you were dead or if you had grown tired of us." She gave a forlorn little smile. "I suppose I can't really blame you."

I turned my head to the side, but the pressure of her agonized gaze was still suffocating. "I didn't think I would be welcome."

Chizuru was silent for several minutes and I thought perhaps I had said the words too low for her to hear. "You believe us to be heartless enough never to forgive you?"

"You believed I was cruel enough never to want to see you again."

Her cheeks tinged pink. "Good point." Her eyes ran over me in a critical manner. "You look hungry. Come inside, I have some leftover food."

We were both quiet as I followed her inside. I felt warmed as I gazed around at the familiar surroundings. I had spent many happy days here playing with the girl in front of me. "How is your father? I'd like to say hello to him."

Chizuru paused and stiffened before forcing herself to relax. "Father died six months ago."

Her words stole my breath and it was several minutes until I spoke again. "I'm very sorry for your loss. " I hesitated before asking my next question. "May I ask what happened?"

"He was sick with tuberculosis. The disease killed many of our loved ones."

I barely remembered to thank Chizuru as she set the food before me, I was so shocked by her news.

"You look tired," her sudden voice jerked me out of my thoughts. "You should stay here for the night."

"It would not be proper," I protested.

Chizuru gave me an impish grin. "I believe your mother once said your father made a similar protest when they first met." Chizuru looked contrite when I tensed up. "I'm sorry," she apologized.

"No," My voice was rougher than I had intended it to be. I forced myself to continue in a lighter tone. "You don't need to apologize. It still hurts, but I'm tired of living in the past."

It's Been A While
But I Can Still

I meant what I had told Chizuru. The next day I visited Yahiko-sensei. A student allowed me inside the dojo's property and I wandered a little as I waited for sensei. The shoji to one room had been left slightly ajar and I noticed a shrine in the corner. Yahiko-sensei's voice interupted me before I could see to whom it belonged.

"I was wondering when you would return."

I turned to face my former teacher. "You did not believe I had abandoned my family forever?"

The older man smiled. "I watched you grow up Kenji-kun. I know you."
"I appreciate your faith in me." I dropped down and bowed my head to the ground. "I beg your forgiveness for testing your faith with my foolish actions."

"Do you think bowing and speaking humble words is all it takes for me to forgive you?"

My breathing stopped and my heartbeat increased when I heard the edge in my sensei's voice. "No?" The word was meant to be an answer, but instead my response indicated my state of confusion. "I - what must I do sensei? Or am I not allowed to call you that anymore?"

I peeked up at the man standing before me. I had hoped to gauge his emotions, but he wore his usual gruff expression.

"I will always be your sensei. Nothing will change that fact." My muscles relaxed when I heard him say that. "You didn't need to go to such lengths in your apology," he continued, "I've always known you to be sincere."

"Thank you sensei." I sat up with his pardon.

"Come inside for some tea. The next class isn't for an hour."

I waited until we were inside and the tea was served before inquiring about his family. "We are doing well, considering we lost our youngest a few months back."

I swung my head up to meet my sensei's eyes. There was a deep pain in his eyes and I wondered how many others had lost loved ones while I was too wrapped up in my own concerns. "Do you mean Akira?" Sensei's oldest child had always been my favorite student. He held the same passion for swordsmanship as his father but shared his mother's gentle nature.

Yahiko-sensei shook his head. "Not Akira. Last year Tsubame became with child again. During the end of her pregnancy, she grew ill and the child died in her womb."

For the first time, I noticed how old sensei truly was as he stared wearily into his teacup. "The doctor said it isn't likely she will have anymore. Suddenly his mood turned back to its usual carefree display. "But our hands are full between the children we have and new students. Each year they become more bratty."

A mischievious smirk tugged at the corners of my mouth. "Your kids or the new students?"

The man I had often thought of as a true father burst into laughter. "Both. Although the old ones are just as bad it seems."

We continued to discuss the past years until it was time for the next class. "Sensei," I asked hesitantly, "Would you mind if I watched?"

He smiled at me kindly. "I would be honored Kenji-kun."

Remember Just The Way You Taste

To my amazement Yahiko-sensei and Tsubame-san not only forgave me of everything, they also invited me to move in with them. Sensei also allowed me to teach classes in the morning. The rest of the day was spent helping around the house, babysitting, or running errands.

Whenever I had a little free time, I would help Chizuru. The vegetable stand was her only source of income but she had no one to help her with any of the business.

Today I found her weeding in the garden. "Good evening Chizuru." She waved and returned my greeting. "I thought you might like some help."

Chizuru smiled at me. "You've been coming over to help me nearly every day. Don't you have anything better to do?"

I crossed my arms, unsure of how to take her question. Did that mean she didn't want me visiting? "I would think you'd be grateful for my help. Especially since it's free."

She flushed with embarrassment. "I didn't mean to sound rude. I just thought you would be tired of visiting the same person all the time."

I shrugged before kneeling next to her and pulling at the weeds. "Everyone else I know is busy with their families." I smiled sincerely at her, “Besides you were always my best friend."

She returned my smile before returning her attention back to the garden.

"Chizuru," I began hesitantly, “would you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

"It depends on how personal it is."

I looked down at my dirt-stained hands. Weeding was such an easy task. All one had to do was grab, pull, and toss.

I had always hated weeding.

I felt the same way about the question I wanted to ask. However, my curiosity had been clawing at me over the past few weeks until I could no longer contain it. "Why -" I stopped to rephrase my question, starting it off that way sounded too accusing. "How is it that you haven't married yet?"

Chizuru stopped weeding and straightened. "That is a personal question." She sighed, "When I was younger, I received a few offers of courtship. I never said yes. It just didn't feel right. Then father became ill and I had to care for him. Now that I'm alone, everyone else has started a family." She smiled and touched my hand. "But you're here now, so it's okay."

I felt guilt stab me at her kind words. "Since I have come back, you and the Myojin family have been so kind to me. How can you forgive my disrespect so easily?" Whatever I was expecting, it wasn't what she said next.

"Kenji, what you did hurt us deeply, but holding onto anger won't help." Chizuru surprised me further by hugging me. "You apologized, we forgave you. Let it go Kenji."

I Know It's Me
I Cannot Blame This On My Father
He Did The Best He Could For Me

Though I performed my daily duties, my mind was now preoccupied with what Chizuru had said. Was I wrong not to forgive my father? The last five years hadn't taken much edge off my anger. My answer to the pain I felt at losing the chance to repair the relationship with my father was to ignore the whole matter. That certainly never made me feel any better.

It didn't explain why my father felt the need to leave us so often or why my mother continued to forgive him at the expense of her health and my sanity. Certainly, my frustration level hadn't been eased by ignoring these matters. Obviously a new approach was needed. Perhaps I should bear my emotions and apologize as I had with the rest of my family?

My motions ceased as I considered this possibility more deeply. Obviously this plan would be more difficult to execute than when I had apologized before. Both of my parents where dead.

I stood in front of the room containing the shrine I saw when I had begged sensei to forgive me. Later, I found it had been erected for my mother along with one for father. I never had enough courage to enter, but not a day passed that I didn't stand on the threshold and think.

Taking a calming breath, I entered the room and kneeled before the shrines. I felt self-conscious, though I knew no one could see me. "I doubt very much that you can hear me." I ran my sweaty palms down the sides of my hakama and sincerely wished that my heart would stop beating so quickly. "But maybe that doesn't really matter. I just ..." My breath caught in my throat and I pressed my palms against my eyes to stave off the tears I felt threatening to come out.

It didn't work; before long I was crying in great aching sobs. "I'm sorry. I miss you so much... I'm so very sorry..."

It's Been A While
Since I Could ...

After I was finished, I actually felt much lighter. I suspected that had more to do with bawling my eyes out than any miraculous change inside of me. Still, I think it was a good start.

I set out on a walk after I calmed down. It wasn't a meaningful journey, just a purposeless meandering to stretch my legs. I often felt restless when I was depressed. At some point I looked around and realized my feet had led me to Chizuru's property. I figured it couldn't hurt to visit her.

When I heard her footsteps hurrying along the floor to answer my knock, I thought it might not be a good idea. What would she say when she saw me?

"Kenji?" She looked at me in surprise. "Are you okay? You look half-dead."

"I feel like it too," I replied grimly. "May I come in?"

"Of course!" Chizuru agreed and stepped aside.

"I've been thinking about what you told me a few days ago."

She closed one eye as she tried to recall what I was referring to. "About forgiveness?" I nodded.

"You said it wasn't healthy, and I started to think maybe that's why I'm so messed up." Chizuru nodded to show she understood what I was talking about. "I actually visited their shrines today, though I still haven't been to their graves." I looked down at the floor as if it held the answers to all my problems. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I've come to the point where I know I should forgive my father, but I don't want to. I want to stay mad at him forever."

"Kenji I don't think your father ever meant to hurt you this way. Why can't you understand that?"

"That's just it. I don't understand him at all! How could he just turn his back on us? Then when he returned it was even worse. I continued to hope that he might stay that time. He had to die before he stayed." I rested my face in my hands. "Then I left my responsibilities behind. I'm just as bad as him."

"No Kenji," Chizuru wrapped her arms around me in the same manner mother had so many years ago when I revealed my fears to her. "This isn't about comparing your mistakes to your father's mistakes. I don't know why your parents acted the way they did, but I don't like the way your allowing self-pity and anger to corrupt you."

My immediate response was to deny her words but I waited to think about them first. "I guess dwelling on my father all the time hasn't been very good, has it?"

Chizuru shook her head. "No. Who's to say? Maybe your father had the same problem, but nobody ever told him. Or maybe he wouldn't listen. The point is, you need to stop dwelling on it. Think of encouraging thoughts instead. Think of ways to improve yourself. Think of ... good memories."

I nodded, "I've noticed I'm less depressed when I'm teaching or spending time with you." Suddenly I didn't want to be in the house anymore, I wanted to be outside and see all the colors of the world. "You know what? You've been so kind to me. I want to thank you. Pick a place you want to eat at. I have some money saved up."

My friend looked hesitant to accept. "I don't think-"

"You're not hungry?" I interrupted. "Then we could go see a play. Or just wander around. I haven't had time to explore all of the changes since I've been back. You could be my guide."

"Kenji," it was Chizuru's turn to interrupt me now. "I was going to say I don't think that it would be good for just you and me to be seen together. People are starting to talk."

"I know Chizuru." I smiled weakly when she looked at me in shock. "It wasn't exactly idle curiosity that made me ask why you weren't married. I wanted to know if the idea didn't appeal to you, or if there was another reason. You said it never felt right. Do you still feel the same way now?"

I thought I would faint from holding my breath so long as I waited for her answer. Finally she opened her mouth to speak.

"That's true. It never felt right when the others asked to court me." She smiled then, "Maybe that was only because I was waiting for you."

Hold My Head Up High
It's Been A While

From then on, I would visit my parents’ graves monthly. Mostly I clean up the area around their headstones, though I still hate weeding. When it was clean, I would offer sake and flowers.

This time, I brought my daughter and I had to work hard to hide a smile as she clumsily copied my movements. "Daddy," Taki looked up at me with her big eyes. I was very glad she had my eyes, it felt like a part of mother was still with me. Aside from that, and the way her dark hair streaked red when she played in the sun, my daughter resembled Chizuru in every aspect. "Daddy, why do you visit here every month?"

It was a question I often asked myself. "I visit to show respect to my father and mother. That's who is buried here."

Surprise showed clearly on her face. "I thought grandpa Yahiko and grandma Tsubame were your parents."

"No, I felt Yahiko-sensei was more of a father to me than the one buried here, but he and his wife are not my birth parents." I ran a hand through Taki's hair. "But I'm sure they thought what they were doing was right."

Taki crawled into my lap and clutched my collar in her chubby little hand. "You aren't going with them are you?"

"Never," I hugged her fiercely, "I will never leave you and mommy." I set her on my shoulders after I stood. "We should return before your mother starts to worry. When we get home, I'll show you an old picture of mother and father. Would you like that?"

My daughter nodded so vigorously her chin clipped my head. "Uh-huh, I would!" Barely pausing to take a breath she tugged on my hair. "Daddy look! Stars!"

As she said, when I looked up I saw a few early stars twinkling in the dusky sky. "Aren't they pretty, Taki-chan?" This time I moved my head out of the way before she could hit it again.

"Yeah daddy!"

My daughter's excitement flowed over to me and I remembered what Chizuru once told concerning good memories. "Taki-chan ... should we try to count them?"

Since I Said I'm Sorry

-

I wanted so badly to post this in June, but it's the same old excuse I've been using. -.-

Watching the stars is one of the few good memories I have with my dad. He didn't leave us, and he isn't dead, but our relationship is kind of rocky. We're both trying to improve it, I've been through some problems that have helped me understand him a bit better. Though I think of it less, I still wonder if I'll cry when he dies.

Oh, and if you're going to flame, please don't use the excuse that you don't like Seis Houen to do it. If you don't like the movie, then you shouldn't have read the story. Though I don't like the movie either, I still don't know why I've written two stories for it. /:)