Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Kenshin Parody, Book 2 ❯ Chapter 2

"Nope. C'mon, would I bullshit you on this?" Jenny asked, ignoring the vehement nodding that Kelly was doing. "And who else's draws would I give to you?"

"I don't know! Prolly your dad's, or worse, Jeff's!" Kelly shouted.

"I'm hurt. Not even I would go that far. Anyways, can we watch some RK around here?"

"Yeah," Kelly said, and pushed 'play'.

Right on cue, the bright light blinded them.

"Ok, if I don't see Saito comin' 'round that corner in 6 seconds, there's gonna be some smoke in the city," Jenny said.

"Gay," Kelly muttered, and strolled away from Jenny. "Wait a sec. Ay, Jenny, I still have the controller in my hand. And will you take those bangs off? You're embarrassing me! While you're at it, take the rest of that shit off too. Someone's liable to kill you for wearing Shinsengumi gear. I ain't gonna name no names or nothin'..."

"What? Did you say something about the remote?" Jenny asked, totally not paying attention.

"Ugh. I should turn you off. Make my life easier," Kelly said, and aimed the remote at her and pushed 'stop'.

There was another bright light, and they were back in Kelly's house.

The two girls looked at each other. "Aw hell naw," they said in unison, as Kelly pushed 'play' again. They were back in Tokyo.

Jenny started doin' the electric slide, while Kelly did the cabbage patch. "We can control it, WOO of the HOOO!!"

They both ran amok in the streets, not really knowing where they were. Until they got to the Akabeko.

"You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" Kelly asked, stuffing the remote into her pocket.

"If you thinkin' either Saito or sake, I'm wichoo," Jenny replied, and plopped down in the nearest seat.

"Oh no! Not again!"

"Hey, Tae! What's shakin'?" Jenny asked.

"Don't worry; we'll be outta here real quick. Well, as quick as you hook us up with a bottle of sake," Kelly said.

Tae looked like she was about to argue, but thought the better of it. She ran into Tsubame on the way to grab the sake.

"Tsubame, run to the Kamiya dojo and tell Himura-san that two girls are here. He'll know who I mean."

"O-ok," she said, and ran off.

"C'mon Tae! Git yo' badly dubbed ass in here!" hollered Kelly.

Jenny on the other hand looked worried. "Hey, what if Saito comes in here and arrests us?" She thought about what she had said for a full minute, "Gotdamn Tae! Let's move let's move! The drunker and rowdier we get, the better the chance of some sexy Shinsengumi bastard comin' to visit me!"

At the mention of Shinsengumi, half of the restaurants occupants looked up at the duo of moron before them. Some began whispering, while others shot them hateful glares.

"Damn, no love up in here, eh?" said Kelly, snatching her jug of life-giving sake from Tae's shaking hands, "Celebrate dat ass c'mon!!!"

"Celebrate dat ass," Jenny chorused happily.

Two hours later Tae was still awaiting the return of Tsubame and company. She didn't know where the little girl could have gone. The Kamiya Dojo wasn't even that long of a walk from the Akabeko, and she was starting to get anxious. Tae glanced back at the two smashed girls. They were still singing strange songs and guzzling down their drinks like a pile of no mannered apes in a banana factory.

Finally, Jenny's monolithic head fell forward. She was too drunk to gather the strength to lift it back up, so she just fell asleep. Kelly's eyes began to slowly droop, as she too began to feel the effects of the alcohol. She lifted her hand up to call a waitress, "Ay! Tae...Uhhh, is Saito comin' or not? I mean, wallabies and dingoes go Crocodile Hunter with Jack Hanna, shit. I don't know what I'm talkin' about. Damn-Jesus-God-Hell! What is that giant boulder doin' in here?? Oh, it's just Jenny's head. Oi, Jenny! Wake the shit up you skank two-timing glutterslut!"

The front door opened and Kenshin walked quietly in, little Tsubame hiding behind him.

"Himura-san! Thank goodness you're here!" cried Tae. She caught Kenshin's annoyed look as his eyes roamed past her and to the girls.

"Tae-dono, how long have they been in here?" Kenshin asked, looking for the entire world like some sort of flaming midget.

"Uhhh, for about 2 hours I think. They went through quite a bit of sake... I tried to contact Fujita-san, but he's apparently on a second honeymoon with his wife. You're the only person I could think of."

"I see. But what do you want me to do with them, that is? Kaoru-dono won't want them at her house. Sano hates them... They've offended everyone I know who could take them in. Wait! Sanosuke's friend Katsu! They could go there," Kenshin suggested, watching as Kelly tied ripped up napkins to the ends of Jenny's hair.

"Great idea! Now we only have to somehow get them to go to his house... I think I have an idea! They mentioned a Saito, and the one with the gi-normous head seemed quite excited about the prospect of seeing him," Tae said.

Kenshin and Tae whispered to each other for a few seconds, then Tae walked over to the girl's table, "Um, excuse me for interrupting, but I have a message from you from a Saito Hajime..."

Jenny's head shot up, little ribbons of napkin still attached to her hair, "What? Where? When? How? Hell!"

"I think I speak for my friend when I say, gimme the message before I kick you dead in the jaw," said Kelly, looking all sobered up.

"He told me to tell you to meet him in Ruffian Row, third house on the left side of the street," Tae managed to stammer, eyeing the foot the Jenny was getting ready to kick her with.

"Well, butter my ass and call me Shishio, I do believe we will be a courtin' tonight!" cried Jenny, hootin' and hollerin' while she slapped her thighs happily.

Jenny and Kelly left the roach infested restaurant and made their way to Sano's neighborhood. Jenny stopped at a food stand and bought a box filled with eggs. They walked further down the street and Jenny halted in front of a raggedy apartment.

"Hey, why are we stopping here? Only some Futae no Kiwami usin' loser resides at this gay house," Kelly pointed out, remembering the dozens of uncountable times Sanosuke got his ass socked around like a Hulk Hogan impersonator.

Without answering, Jenny chucked the entire box of eggs at the house, "Damn chicken man!" she shouted angrily, as egg yolk dripped down the front door.

Suddenly the door flew open, and a giant chicken stepped out, pecking at the ground a few times before letting loose a bone chilling `bwa bwack!' "Oi! You again!!?

"Yes, it's us you poor excuse for a haircut," said Kelly, stepping up to the rooster, "I know you ain't talkin' no kinda shit, cuz Yahiko could whoop your ass."

But Sanosuke wasn't paying attention. He bent down and looked on in horror at the broken eggshells at his feet, "N-no! Who did this? My little sisters and brothers… WHO DID THIS!!"

Jenny and Kelly backed off slowly when a tear coursed its way down his face. A chicken man who couldn't fight was bad enough. They didn't need to watch him cry too.

The two walked a few houses down, trying to ignore the sobs that Sanosuke still let loose.

"Saito said 3rd house on the left, right?" asked Jenny.

"Yeah, it's supposed to be this dump right here," replied Kelly, knocking on the door. The door creaked open and two hands pulled the girls inside, sliding the door shut behind them.

"Saitoooo...he's gonna move you. Mean and evil, he gets right to ya! Saitooooo…the man the man the man is gonna beat the shit outta youuuuu!" Jenny sang her version of a Juicy Fruit Commercial, thinking Saito was the one that dragged them inside.

"Captain Sagara? Is that you?" whispered a crazy voice.

Kelly squinted her eyes, "Where the hell is Saito? Is that you crazy hobo on the corner?"

"Nah! That's Katsu! Sano's friend!" cried Jenny, "But, he looks about as odd as Grandpa Munster!"

Katsu did look…odd. His hair was a tattered mess, he had large circles under his eyes, and his mouth twitched. He kept turning his head like something was there too.

"Captain Sagara… Must find Captain Sagara, he muttered, rocking back and forth on his heels, "Bombs bombs revolution bombs government gays… SANO'S ASS!!"

"He crazy like a mutha!" laughed Jenny.

Kelly laughed too. "Yo, Katsu. Snap out of it man."

Katsu continued babbling. "Damn woman lookin' man. Flaming midget. Carryin' MY Sano around!"

"Rrrrright. Hey, I got an idea," Jenny said.

"O no. All of you ideas either involve me getting kicked, or me getting thrown into jail," Kelly complained.

"Naw, this has nothin' to do with you. KATSU!! Sekihotai suck ass!!"

Katsu woke the fuck up quick as hell.

"What did you say?" he snapped, and reached into his closet.

"Man, I know you don't have any bombs in there. You buried `em all. Damn tard. Anyways, WHERE THE FUCK IS SAITO!!?" Jenny shouted.

"Who? I don't know any Saito. O wait, you mean that evil lookin' guy that likes to beat up Sano? I haven't seen him."

"Dammit."

"Jenny, we've been played. Them sonsabitches at the Akebeko set us up. Do you think a pimp like Saito would come anywhere near here? Unless of course it was to mess with Sano, but we saw Sano and he didn't look like he'd been gatotsu-ed at all."

A look of comprehension crossed Jenny's face. "I see," she said, putting a hand under her chin. "Well, I don't think Tae and Tsubame could think up something so evil."

"Who else could it have been? And besides, we have ruined their place of business a lot lately."

"So? It was all in good fun. Hmmmmm…"

The two girls looked at each other. "Kenshin."

Kelly pushed `stop' on the remote, and they were back in the house. "Ok, now we need to get stealthy around here. If we're gonna sneak into the dojo, we're gonna have to get by Kenshin. I got some black clothes you can borrow."

"Man, I ain't wearin' none of your shit. What do you think I am? A hobo?"

Kelly looked at Jenny for second. "Yeah. Come on, put this on," Kelly said, handing Jenny a black shirt. She ignored Jenny's insane mumbling and put on the dark blue cape she wore when she dressed up as Vampire Hunter D that one time.

"OK, ya damn jerk. I'm ready. And how come you get to wear that cool cape, and I get this shit shirt? Not fair!"

"Shaddup. I'm not drivin' you back to your house just to change clothes. Deal with it."

"Nope. I'm wearing my trench coat, and you can kiss ass," Jenny said, changing back into her regular Saito gear. She slipped her coat on.

"Ugh. What do you think is gonna happen when he sees you wearin' that shit?"

"I dunno. Hopefully he'll drop to his knees and ask me to marry him."

"He's got a wife!"

"Well, I guess, if you want to call an overly hairy goat with six smelly feet a wife."

Kelly put her face in her hands and pushed `play'.

They reappeared right in front of the dojo. And it was dark out.

"Ok, open the gate and let's move," Kelly said.

"Why I gotta open the gate?"

"Cuz I said. Hurry up."

"I hate you," Jenny said, but opened the gate anyways. The two wannabe-sneaky girls crept across the lawn and into the house.

"Shh," Kelly shhed.

"I know, I know!"

"Shut up! You're gonna get us caught!"

"What? I'm not the one who's yelling!"

"You started it!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not times ten!"

"Did too times infinity!"

Suddenly, a bright light shined in their faces and they stopped yelling. Kenshin, Kaoru, Yahiko, Sanosuke, and Megumi stood there.

"Hi everybody!" Jenny said, with a wave.