Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Kenshin Parody, Book 2 ❯ Chapter 4

Megumi just rolled her eyes. "I don't have anything else. You're just going to have to deal with it," she said, flipping her hair over he shoulder. She stalked out, also sliding the door closed with a thud.

"What is it with people and slamming doors and shit? I feel all unwelcome," Jenny complained.

"There's a good reason for that," Kaoru said, poking her head in. "Here. I brought you some of my old ribbons to tie your hair back. And here's a comb," she said, tossing the things in. She then slammed the door closed.

"I don't even know what she expects us to do with these ghetto ribbons. My hair's too short and layered to look good in just a ribbon," Kelly said, combing her hair.

Jenny was busy using the ribbons to wrap around her wrists. "Hehe, check this out. Who am I?" she asked, scraping her feet on the ground and moving her head back and forth.

"Hm? I dunno."

"C'mon! Here's a hint. Bawk! Ba bawk! Cluck cluck."

"Oh, I know! Sanosuke! That's pretty cool. My turn now," Kelly said, and stuck her arms out in front of her. Her eyes got droopy and she let some of her bangs fall over her face. "Brraaaains!"

"Ooo, ooo! Saito from the Rengoku episode when he was all wet and pale and looked like a zombie! Heeeey! You bitch, how dare you talk shit about my man!" Jenny said, and whapped Kelly over the head with a futon. Kelly dropped like a rock, just as Saito walked in.

Jenny pointed to Kelly's motionless form and said to Saito, "She was bad mouthing you Saito. I knocked her the fuck out! Hey, don't you knock? I mean, what if we were naked up in here..."

Jenny just looked at Saito for a second, realizing what she said. She grabbed her borrowed kimono and was about to pull it the hell off, but Saito grabbed her arm.

"O yeah, you can manhandle me anytime," Jenny said, and struggled a little. He tightened his grip.

"You listen to me. I'm going to drive you around Tokyo today. We will not get out of the carriage. You will not speak to anyone on the street. You will not speak in anything above a whisper. You will not speak to me. Break these rules, and I will break your head."

"Whoa. You mean, you could be strong enough to crack my coconut? O god, that's so cool!"

"Shut up!" Saito snapped, and tightened his grip again and dragged her closer. "Do. Not. Fuck. With. Me."

"Aghghghhghhghffgfdhd..." said Jenny.

"Daaaamn!! Can't ya'll get a damn room? I mean, I don't mind seein' Saito layin' it all on the table, but I draw the line at Jenny," Kelly said, coming to.

Saito let Jenny go. "All right, come on and let's get this over with."

Kelly raised a hand. "Question. What's to eat? I'm hungry!"

"We'll eat here. The Kamiya girl is making breakfast."

"O no. It's bad enough that you're threatening to kill us, but I don't want to die of food poisoning," Jenny said. Kelly nodded.

"Yeah. We bad, but we ain't THAT bad."

"You think so, eh?" Saito said. "Fine. I don't relish the thought of eating here either. We'll go to the Akabeko. No sake!"

"Aw man. How'd he know that was what I was gonna ask?" Kelly said.

"Maybe…he's like Miss Cleo!" cried Jenny, a shocked expression on her face as she gazed at Saito, "Call Saito now for your free tarot card readin' babies!"

"Ok, let's go before I change my mind," said Saito, stalking unhappily towards the door, "I warn you though, you'd better behave when we arrive at the Akabeko, or else…"

"Or else what? You'll beat Jenny into nothing but an ungodly pile of mentally insane pulp?" Kelly asked, a hopeful twinkle in her damn eyes.

Saito turned and glanced at Jenny, who was drooling at the prospect, "I think she would enjoy that."

Kelly looked at Jenny too, "I think you're right."

Without saying anything else, Saito stood next to the carriage, waiting to help the girls inside. Kelly was first to go, and she got in with no problem. Most of it was amazement due to the fact that Saito was acting like a gentleman. Then it was Jenny's turn.

"Now no funny business," growled Saito, reaching out to grab her arm, "Don't even try anything."

For a moment it looked like Jenny was going to make it in without a single molestation. Kelly watched Jenny's face carefully. There was this mischievous look, and she didn't think it would lead to anything good.

The moment Saito grabbed her arm; she reached down with her other arm, grabbed his handcuffs, cuffed his left wrist with one side, and with the other cuffed herself. Saito looked up in horror as she tossed the key away.

"What the hell are you doing?!" he howled, "That was my only key! Kelly, get out here and find it right now!"

Kelly looked at Saito crazy, "Yeah right, Jenny will have me killed later on then. I can see it now. Damn 7-foot woman named Inga waiting on my doorstep with nothing but a pair of gloves and a piece of wire. No thanks pal."

Jenny did nothing but grin up at Saito's brilliantly red face with triumph, "Just think, you gotta take me when you pee too!" She started to do a little dance, "I get to see Hajime's penis! I get to touch Hajime's penis! I get to blo--"

Saito pulled hard on his side of the cuffs, causing Jenny to be smacked up against the carriage, "This is the most dim-witted thing you've ever done. When I got out of these, I'll make sure you'll go to jail. Now let's go, I guess I can't punish Kelly for your stupidity. But now I'm not taking you out to eat." He pushed Jenny into the carriage and then called for the driver to take off.

For a few minutes, Jenny sat uncomfortably next to Saito. She twiddled her thumbs, trying to ignore the evil stare that Kelly shot her, and the equally evil stare that Saito flashed her every few seconds. The handcuffs were cutting into her wrist, so she pulled her hand closer to herself, causing Saito's hand to follow and flop onto her leg.

"EEEEIIII!! H-h-hentai!" Kelly pointed, seeing the hand move.

Jenny looked down in surprise, and then looked up in love, "Saito-chan… does this mean? Could it possibly mean? That Tokio's a no good STD carrying orangutan?"

His amber eyes glazed over in absolute Aku Soku Zan.

"What's wrong?" asked Jenny, poking him in the chops, "You look like you're taking a shit. Ay! Are you horny? You're horny aren't you? Please tell me you're horny. Kelly! Get the hell outta here! I think he wants some ass!"

"I think he's going to kill you," Kelly replied, watching Saito's look of rage intensify, "He's so mad that he appears to be frozen. Just think, he's fighting the urge to kill you off right now. See that vein sticking out now? I think he's thinking the same about me. I feel so special."

Jenny started to stroke his face, "Awww! He's like a baby. Doesn't even have a hair on his silky smooth baby ass face." She suddenly twisted him so he lay in her lap, "Rock-a-bye Saito, on Jenny's lap… Don't mind the pressure as your pants I unsnap… Da dada da da da… la ti di di, do you like genuine jockey? Or maybe hanies?"

The carriage rocked uncontrollably. Kelly flew out the damn window, landing in a heap on the side of the road. The driver was also tossed from his seat. He got up and ran away, yelling, "Gaijin no baka!"

Jenny and Saito rolled out, Saito scrambling to get Jenny under control. In a moment of pure desperation, Saito pulled with all his strength and got free of the cuff, leaving his hand bloodied.

"O my god! Saitoooooo!" Jenny howled. Saito clamped a hand over her mouth.

"Kelly," he growled. "Get over here."

"Aw man," Kelly complained, looking totally disgusted. Saito grabbed her arm and forced it through the empty half of the hand cuffs.

"ACKK! Shit! What was that for! That hurt, you sonofabitch!"

"Good!" Saito shouted, and grabbed the chain between the cuffs and pulled Jenny roughly to her feet.

"Oowie!"

"You play too much, Saito. C'mon now, this shit ain't funny. I am so not gonna be stuck with this...this...this good for nothin' drooling amazon!"

"Too bad! You don't have a choice. Now, it's up to both of you to find the key to unlock yourselves. I'll wait here."

"This some bullshit! Man, Saito, I--!"

Saito cut Kelly off with a hand around her throat.

"Right," Kelly said, saluting with her free hand.

Saito smiled evilly and pushed them away.

6 hours later...

It was dark when Jenny and Kelly finally made it back to Saito.

"Well?"

Jenny and Kelly raised their hands triumphantly. "Nah nanananana!"

Saito looked mad.

"Okay, now I'm REALLY hungry. And since I don't think Saito's up to takin' us anywhere like a gentleman, we should just go back to the crib and get some grub. Whaddaya say Jenny?"

"I guess..." she said, trailing off and scuffing the ground with her foot and hanging her head.

"What's wrong? I keep telling you you need a brace for that head," Kelly said.

Jenny sniffed. "It's just that...well... aw hell, Saito, I don't expect you to love me right away! But can you at least not injure me anymore? I'm broken hearted," she said, sticking out her bottom lip and making her chin quiver. Her eyes got all watery.

Kelly looked at Saito like he was short. "Tsk. How could you. You evil evil man. I don't even know why Tokio stays with you. You probably beat her into submission too. Poor Jenny," Kelly said, throwing an arm over her broken friend.

"Yeah. Poor me," Jenny said, sniffling.

Saito rolled his eyes. "You're not fooling me," he said, looking at Jenny.

Jenny looked up, tears flowing down her face. "I can't live without knowing that you care for me! Waaaaaa!!" she yelled, sinking down into the dirt.

Kelly reached into her pocket and pulled out the remote. "C'mon Jenny. I can tell that we're not wanted. We should just leave the all mighty police officer to his business of slaughtering, smoking, dream crushing, heart breaking, and being an asshole."

"Now wait a minute," started Saito, holding a hand up, "I admit that even I can be…well… sometimes I can be…"

"Really mean and insensitive!" cried Jenny, sobbing pathetically, "I mean, isn't it flattering to know that a woman would lick you from top to bottom? And then smother you in whipped cream and tie your hands down while nibbling and teasing your nether region? All the while getting on hand and knee to pleasure you with mind-blowing sex? Waaaaaaahhh!!!!!"

Kelly's face visibly greened at the set of thoughts that Jenny created, "Ewwwies!! My eyes! That's the most disgusting thing you've ever said!! Is this what you think about all the time?!"

Jenny sniffed a few more times, "Well yeah. I didn't even get to the splooge part. I bet it'd be a geyser."

"Ahem," interrupted Saito, turning an off pink and looking uncomfortable, "I apologize for hurting both of you then."

"Wha? The great Saito Hajime groveling?" Kelly laughed, "I thought I'd never see the day…"

"I didn't grovel," growled Saito, approaching Kelly menacingly, "And if you refer to what I just said to as `groveling' again, I'll make sure you'll never see the end of this day."

Kelly backed up, "Ok ok, geez. Can't you take a joke? That's what we're talkin' about here, you're too serious!"

Jenny sniffed some more, probably thinking up more fun stuff she couldn't do with her wolf, "Waaaaaaa!!!"

Saito looked down at Jenny, an unreadable look on his face, "C'mon, stop crying already."

"No-o-o-oooooo!!' Jenny hiccupped, trying hard to breathe after all her sobs, "You've hurt me for the last time! I think I'm going to turn my affections towards Aoshi!"

"No way in hell!" yelled Kelly, "You know that he's my object of lust! Don't you ever say that again!"

"I-I'm serious," said Jenny boldly, "True, he's a loser, he don't talk, he doesn't have a sexy mouth-watering body like Saito, and he's totally psycho and odd… But overall he's a pretty fly guy."

Saito lit a cigarette and snorted, "Shinomori Aoshi, eh? He's hardly a man. I can think of quite a few fights that he had with the Battousai, all of them ending in total defeat."

Kelly lunged forward as Saito totally cut down Aoshi, but she missed as he sidestepped. "Damn you! How could you talk about my man like that?!"

Saito offered a hand to Jenny, who was still sitting on the ground crying, but to his surprise she slapped it away, "Oh? What's wrong with you? I said I was sorry."

"Leave me alone, Officer," she hissed, "I told you already that I love Aoshi now."

"Noooo!!" Kelly howled like a wounded animal. She whirled on Saito, pointing at him, "This is all your fault! You better pray that she snaps outta this little fix she's in, otherwise I'll make sure you wake up bald!"

Saito laughed, a cold scary laugh, "Oh really? Well, I can't say that I'm not happy that Jenny isn't falling over me anymore. And as for your threat, I'll make sure you don't wake up at all if I'm missing even a single hair when I wake up."

Kelly shut, what I call, the fuck up.

"Now, let's go," said Saito, walking away, "I'll let you stay at my home for a night, but I don't want Tokio to know you're back yet, so keep it quiet."

Jenny sulkily followed, still looking pretty upset. Kelly looked just upset, but she knew that Jenny would never stop liking Saito, even if he beat women occasionally.

"Hey Jenny," whispered Kelly, "'Ju grab Saito's ass?"

Jenny didn't even glance down at the ass within grabbing range before her, "No, actually I didn't. But if AOSHI were here, there'd be some serious squeezin'. With Saito's bony ass you can hardly get a handful. Same goes for other areas of his body, no doubt."

Kelly was absolutely stunned. There was total silence as they walked. When they finally arrived at Saito's house, he turned on them again. Both girls felt a-warnin' a-comin'.

"Now, I am serious. Behave," he whispered, looking specifically at Jenny, but she wasn't paying attention, "I mean it, Jenny. Don't try a thing. No touching me-"

Jenny yawned loudly, "Ew, no thanks. Who would want to touch you? You're like 84 or something. Aoshi, on the other hand, is just right."

"Quit pretending you dolt," Kelly whispered in Jenny's ear.

"Who's pretending? I just don't see how a pretty woman like Tokio would be saddled with this zombie man before me. Aoshi looks like a Ken doll, while Saito here looks like Alf or something. No wait, let me take that back. Alf is too good for him. He's more of a Mummy's Alive deal. God, now that I look at him more closely, he's really wrinkly and butt fugly. What kind of normal person has funky spaghetti hair like that? I mean when you compare him to Sano's ol' underfed ass, he'd still lose. In fact, I think I'd rather jump Sano's bones any day, if you know what I mean. Please stop looking at me like that Saito-san, you're making me nauseous. And someone needs to file those fangs of yours down. Seriously. I know that you prolly don't have dental insurance, working at that pathetic low paying job you do, but at least try to get them sanded. Gotdamn."

"Well, if you're done insulting me now," said Saito, annoyance in his voice, "I think I'll show you to your rooms."

"About damn time," continued Jenny, as they walked down a hallway, "Damn, stop dragging your feet when you walk. How old are you? A fifty-year-old guy like you should have learned that a looooong ass time ago. Take Hiko for example. He's 43 years old, but he knows how to act around people. Sort of. Well, maybe he is a little rude and outspoken, but that can be forgiven, seeing how he doesn't look like your ol' bell tower ass. Reminds me of the Rengoku episode again. Wet and ugly. That describes you in a nutshell. Braaaaains…"

"You'll sleep here tonight," Saito said, sliding a door open, "Keep it down. I'll try to explain to Tokio why you're here. I just hope she doesn't kill me…" He started to walk away, muttering to himself.

"Well, one can only hope that she does kill you," called Jenny, "Put you out of your misery dammit."

"What the hell are you doing?" cried Kelly, choking Jenny like Osama Bin Laden, "Why are insulting and humiliating the man you love." She throttled her a few more times, "Why?!"

"What do ya mean?" Jenny looked confused, "I'm just telling him like it is. I love Aoshi now. I never really liked Saito, I just like to play around, and that's it. For who could ever love… a beast?"

"Quit ripping off lines from Disney!"

"In a spitting match no body spits like Gaston!" sang Jenny.

"So, you're totally over Saito huh?" Kelly looked extremely skeptical, and she raised an eyebrow at Jenny's blank face.

"That's what I'm saying," replied Jenny, confidence oozing out of her giant head.

"Ok, so if I was going to sneak a peak of Saito, naked and glistening in the bathhouse," Kelly said, "You wouldn't even care?"

Jenny gulped nervously, "N-no way!"

"And what if I reached my hand into the soapy water and began to…" Jenny's eyes glazed over slightly, "Scrub him like a dirty dish?"

"I wouldn't care…" Jenny began to bite her nails.

"Ok, and finally, what if I went there and he let me touch his-"

"Enough!" Jenny finally snapped, "That's my job! Keep away from my man and his gigantic weenie! Oooh, how I wish I could grab his luscious ass once again… Without the confining, skin tight uniform that shows off his bulges OH so well…" Jenny sniffed sadly, "I miss those bulges, those flashing amber eyes full of wrathful hate and killing, those cute little fangs that scream SEX, his silky hair that I just want to grab and pull as I have my earthly way with him, and not to mention those muscular thighs that I'd love to Gatotsu my-damn-self. Ahhhghhgghghhghhg…."

"Well, I can't get you all that," said Kelly shiftily, "But, I think I heard him crawl in the tub… And if I was any kind of friend, I'd assist you in any sinful way that I could."

"Kelly? Are you that kind of friend?" Jenny asked hopefully, her eyes twinkling, "Cuz, I take back everything I said about Aoshi. To me, he's a horse-faced, apple eatin' donkey."