Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Kenshin Parody, Book 2 ❯ Chapter 8

Aoshi walked off, leaving Saito and the girls to themselves.

"What was that all about?" Jenny asked.

"The Oniwabanshu are going to stay here for a while until the Aoiya gets repaired. I'll have to ask you two to clean up a little bit. What's wrong with her?" Saito asked, pointing at Kelly. She was lying on the ground, grinning hard as fuck with her eyes closed sleepily.

Jenny booted her. "Get up, whore!"

"Wha? Hey now, I don't kick you all hard when you're in the middle of a fantasy about our favorite pyscho cop."

"I don't know what you're talking about. Sano isn't a cop. And like he would ever stoop so low as to being a cop."

"Oh really? So you're saying that your man is a flaming queer?"

"What!? I didn't say anything like that. Besides, Sai--ano is not gay, you used tire raper!"

"That's not what I heard. I also heard that you were caught in a bad position, if you know what I mean, with a certain canine. Oh wait, I didn't hear that, I saw that. Last night, while you two were almost fucking in the tub!"

Jenny got all up in Kelly's grill. "You best quit talkin' shit 'bout my man, hoebeast. Saito and I were not almost fucking! We were just..."

"You little liar! That whole thing at breakfast was an act, huh? I should have expected nothing else from you," Saito said disgustedly.

"Uhhhh..."

"Haha, busted!"

"I don't know what you're laughing at. I'm tempted to tell Shinomori that he shouldn't come."

"Ahhh! No, you can't do that! I'll be good I promise!"

3 hours later.

"This bein' good bullshit is hard work. I mean, Misao's walked by me twice today and I didn't say anything about her hidden man-parts," Kelly said, wiping the sweat from her forehead.

"I know what you mean."

"No you don't! You've been walking around grabbing Saito's ass every time he turns around. I think it's gotten to the point where either he doesn't notice or he doesn't care anymore."

"Yay! I'm wearing him down!"

Just then, Aoshi walked by.

"Hello, Aoshi-sama!" Kelly sid, and waved at him. He just looked at her and kept walking. "Jeeesus! Lookit that ass move!!"

"Yeah, it's gonna keep moving if you don't do something about it. Tell you what. I'll go put in a good word for you with Aoshi. That way we'll be even."

"Are you stupid or something? No way in hell would that make us even, you cheapskate. Man, I expect some tub time around here. See if you can swindle him into taking a bath or something."

"That's going to be hard. Why don't wait till he takes one on his own?"

"C'mon now. That would be like asking you to wait until Saito crawls under the covers before going to molest him."

"Fine fine. Give me a minute," Jenny said huffily.

5 minutes later.

"Dammit, Jenny, that was more than a damn minute. What'd you do, take a shit while you were at it?"

Jenny looked at her irritable friend. "That was way nasty. Like I'm going to tell you any of that. Anyways, Aoshi's in the bathhouse right now. Go knock yourself out."

"Hehehe, I'm going to. Keep Misao occupied."

"No prob. All I have to do is find something shiny."

The two girls split up.

Kelly arrived at the bathhouse, and looked at the trail of mud and general dirtiness that led up the steps.

"What the fuck? Aoshi-sama, do you need anything while I'm here?" Kelly asked.

"Hm. Some towels, please."

"You don't have any in there?"

"No."

Kelly damn near keeled over right there. "Uhh, sure, hold on a sec," she said, trying to sneak in. She crept silently through the door and slithered along the floor like a snake, keeping out of sight of Aoshi, who was leaning back contentedly.

Now that she was this far, Kelly didn't know what to do next. 'I got it,' she thought.

"BLBLBLBLABLAAHLBLABALAAH!" she shouted, causing Aoshi to jump from the tub and grab his kodachis. Kelly stood there in amazement.

"Aghghghhhhhghhghg..."

"What are you doing?" Aoshi asked.

"Damn," Kelly said, leaning forward, almost to where her nose touched his chest, "It's like one of those magic eye things. Hm, I've never been very good at those, but I think I see a tall, dark, and sinister fine ass man!!" she exclaimed, looking at his scars.

"Get out."

"No, I don't really think so. Just go about your business and pretend I'm not here."

"Fool," he said, and physically threw her out like Phil does to Jazz on Fresh Prince.

"Waaaahhh!!" ::Thump:: "Well, if at first you don't succeed..."

"Waaaahhh!!" ::Thump:: "Third time's a charm."

"Waaaahhh!!" ::Thump:: "Grrr."

"Waaa--oof! What the shit! Jenny, I know you ain't tryin' to peek at my man."

"Wh-what are you talking about?" Jenny asked, looking real damn guilty.

"You were the one that 'accidentally' dumped the bucket of mud on me," Aoshi said.

"What? Jenny, you didn't!"

"I did. I think I'm going to try that on Saito in a second."

"I'd like to see you try it," said Saito behind her.

"Uhhh… I'll be going now," Jenny zipped away, no doubt going to cause chaos in other parts of the house.

"Now Kelly," said Saito slowly, "I want you to stay away from Shinomori. I also want you to stay away from that aho Jenny. She's trouble."

"Yessir," replied Kelly, throwing Saito a salute.

Aoshi quietly returned to his bath, surprisingly without saying a word…

Later that evening, Jenny and Kelly wandered the house, bored out of their minds. Kelly kept watching out for something. Or, as Jenny suspected, someone.

"The FED's after you or somethin'?"

Kelly looked up, a stream of drool leaking down her face, "Huh?"

Jenny sighed, "Kell, Kell, Kell… It's best to just forget about Aoshi. I mean, he's way out of your league. Now take the relationship me and Hajime have going. It's like magic."

"Relationship? What the hell are you babbling about?"

"What do you mean?!"

"Well, he don't exactly like you much," replied Kelly, breakin' it down for the simp in front of her, "In fact, I think he hates you. Lemme tell you why too. You're way too aggressive. I mean, the poor guy has been grabbed at, pinched, prodded, yanked, held… You think he wants all that? Nah. Men like women that do whatever they're told. They don't want to be constantly manhandled! They want a quiet, flower of a woman, like Toki-hoe for example. You on the other hand, are loud, obnoxious, obsessed, and don't let me forget a coward. Yeah, I won't ever forget your little adventure in the bathhouse. Ya damn pansy."

Jenny latched on to Kelly's leg, "Tell me what to do then! I'm a retard!"

"Well, you need to start acting more respectable," Kelly paced back and forth, a pipe in her mouth, and a hand placed thoughtfully on her chin, "Real women don't just jump men like wild chimps. They don't rip clothing off with teeth, or grab ass repeatedly."

Jenny jotted down the notes on her hand, listening intently.

"And most importantly, you can't expect a 35 year old man to take a 19 year old seriously."

Jenny's face visibly dropped, "So… H-he won't ever love me because I'm basically a kid in his eyes?"

"Elementary my dear Sasquatch!"

"What can I do then? Is there any hope?"

Kelly thought for a moment, looking for the entire world like Higgins from Magnum PI, "Hmmm, maybe if you apologize to Saito…"

"Even better! I'll apologize to Tokio too! Saito's bound to see me for the intelligent, mature college student that I am! Thanks Kelly!" Jenny skipped off happily.

"Finally got rid of her," muttered Kelly, tearing down the hall like an animal, "AOOOOOOOOOOOO-shi!!" Her bone-chilling howl even made her shiver. She sniffed the air and suddenly froze. Her prey was near…

Aoshi was just getting ready for bed, finishing up his psychotic `dead men' chant. He had just crawled under the Beshimi printed covers when he heard his door squeak open slightly.

"Misao-chan?"

"No…" came the scary reply.

Aoshi didn't know what to say for the first time in his entire life.

A hand appeared at the edge of his bed, and then another.

"Uhhh…"

Two legs followed soon after, and then Kelly's head popped up, "Good even-ning…."

"Oh, it's just you," replied Aoshi, giving her an ice-cold stare, "What do you want now?"

Kelly laughed insanely, "Oho, wouldn't you like to know?"

"Actually, yes I would."

Kelly suddenly and without just cause, lunged at Aoshi, pinning his arms down to his side, "Mwahahhaa!"

"Get off!" Aoshi struggled wildly, "I don't even know you!"

Just then, Jenny walked by the door and did a double take, "Whoa whoa whoa, time-out here."

"Jenny! What brings you to my humble bordello?" asked Kelly, jumping up and down on Aoshi's chest, trying to make him calm down.

"What the hell are you doing?! You rattled off all that jazz about me being stupid for chasing and manhandling Saito, and here you are manhandlin' Aoshi and his elephantitis! Ta ta! I'm off to assault some wolf!" Jenny ran away, making Xena noises.

"Now, where was I?" Kelly practically drowned the poor man with buckets of drool, "So, how do you want it?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You know," Kelly nodded her head towards a galaxy far far away and under a sheet, "Complimentary hand job to go with that face cleaning I promised you?"

Aoshi stared at her in shock.

"I'll take that as a yes," Kelly shredded his sheets with one with one look.

"Stop this already!" Aoshi said, his voice still calm even in the face of utter danger.

"Heeeeeeell naw!" Kelly ripped his shirt off savagely, like some nature program, "Jenny got to fondle Saito, so I'm entitled to some Aoshi! Now buck up boy! It's rodeo time! Yeeeee haw!"

Aoshi suddenly broke loose and managed to wrestle Kelly down. He pinned her to the bed, much to her delight, breathing heavily and looking sexy, "Now, you're going to stop this right now," he growled.

"The hell I am," she cried, hypnotized by his purty blue eyes, "Are you ticklish, Aoshi-sama?" Before he could answer, one of her hands shot up and started to rub on his chest.

"You're not tickling me."

"I know, I just wanted to feel you up," replied Kelly, her snake hands moving lower, "Hey! Am I invited to the party in your pants? Cuz, I don't have an invitation."