Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Kenshin Parody, Book 2 ❯ Chapter 18

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Both men had the exact same hand.

“What the fuck?” Kelly exclaimed.

“Screw this bullshit!” Jenny said and reached for Saito's sock, ripped it off and put it on her head. “Wooo!”

Saito's pupils dilated freakishly, like a shark in blood-tinted water. “NOW, Shinomori!” Saito vaulted over the table using his sockless third leg as a pole, smacking Jenny in the back of her pumpkin-head with it as he flew over her. He landed lightly on the bar counter behind him, his Cousin Sub flapping around like it was flying a damn kite.

Jenny keeled forward, head all fuuuuhcked up, while Kelly sang, “Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick!”

Aoshi just sat there; it was his only defense. “Huh? When did we plan this, Saito?”

Meanwhile, Jenny groaned horribly after her head was dented in by the mighty wang. She raised a hand holding a sign that said '10.0'. “What in the hell was that all about? How come I had to beg you to do that to me before?”

Aoshi took advantage of the siti-ation, and made a mad dash for one of the many remotes Kelly has lying around in the basement. “I got it, Saito!”

“Push a button, you loser! I'm nekkid as a Kyoto whore!” Saito used his hands as best he could to cover his girth and length, but damn, that wasn't covering shit.

“You mean, your wife?!” Jenny screeched, lunging at Aoshi. Kelly soon followed, tackling the simple bastard from behind like an NFL linebacker. Before one of the girls could grab the remote o' goodness, Aoshi tossed it to Saito.

“Aha, now the tables have turned!” cried Saito, getting ready to grab the remote. It hovered mid-air for an eternity, moving in slow-motion. Ten minutes later, the remote made it across the room, but before Saito could jump up to catch it, his woman-splitter flipped up and accidentally batted it away like he was Jose Canseco or some shit.

“TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME, TAKE ME OUT TO THE WANGGG!” sang Kelly, playing with Aoshi's asshole.

“HEY! Get your fingers out of there, dammit!” Aoshi said, hollering for the first time ever. “At least use some lube!”

Well, he didn't really say that, but we can't back that up. It was more like this:

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING BACK THERE!?”

“Aw, c'mon!” Kelly shouted at Jenny, who just wrote this disgusting segment.

“What?” Jenny said, shrugging. “Haven't you ever had anal fantasies about Aoshi? Now here's you chance to tell the world!”

“No! I can honestly say that I have never fantasized about toying with some man's hairy ol' stanky asshole!”

Jenny glanced at Saito, debating about whether or not she'd like to toy with his hairy ol' stanky asshole. Meanwhile, Saito the Criminally Insane was now coming towards them menacingly, holding a lamp.

“I think the man means business,” Kelly shouted, still sitting on top of Aoshi's limp form. She started groping around for something to defend herself with. Unfortunately from that range, the only thing she could manage grabbing was a Frito, and Aoshi's ass. “Jenny! Quit standing there thinking about Saito's ass, and get to kicking it instead!”

“I can't! I don't have the balls!”

“Then borrow Aoshi's! He doesn't use them!”

“That doesn't help!”

Meanwhile, Saito ran up behind Jenny and was about to pummel her with the lamp when Kelly threw the Frito at him. “Jenny, duck!”

She wasn't fast enough, though, and the lamp knocked her head clean off. It bounced off the wall and reattached itself to her neck.

“I knew one hit wasn't going to be enough for you! Curses!” Saito shouted, shaking his fists in anger. Suddenly, the Frito finally made its way over to Saito and nailed him right in the fo'head. It harmlessly bounced into Jenny's mouth.

On the other side of the room, Aoshi finally grew some testicles and began to fight back. He threw an elbow, whacking Kelly in the boob. “Ah! Hey, that's uncalled for!” she yelled.

“BESHIMISHIKIJOHANNYAHYOTOKO!”

“Holy child molesting Michael Jackson!” Kelly yelled again as Aoshi kicked her dead in the hooha. “FUCK! I can't have no kids! You done scratched my uterus, you sonofabitch!”

Aoshi pushed her into the floor with the heel of his sock.

“Dude. Shinomori, they're only children. I don't think it's necessary to completely destroy them,” Saito said, and Jenny looked up, smiled at him and got a foot to the face for the trouble.

Aoshi hung his head loserishly. “Aw, fuck it,” he said, and then grabbed the roll of copper chain. He tied Kelly's hands together and bound her feet. He chained her up like Hannibal Lecter in the deli section at Pick'n'Save. Aoshi threw the chain to Saito. “Well? You want get out of here or what?”

“Gotdamn? Why'd you turn all evil on me, Aoshi-sama? What did I ever do to you?”

Jenny was on the floor laughing. “I think it's more like what you didn't do.” And was booted again.

Saito tried to chain Jenny up, but she was the greaziest nigga he had ever set eyes on, like Patrick Ewing in the fourth quarter. Just glissenin'. She slipped out of his grasp every time.

“You need to throw some sand on that nigga!” Kelly said, putting in her two cents. “She's slipperier than Kobe Bryant gettin' out of a lawsuit.”

“Hold still, dammit,” Saito said, and grabbed a handful of pubic hair to steady her.

“Oh hell yeah! Finally! Owwwwww! Damn, don't pull!”

He pulled some more. “Behave and give me the remote.”

“Ehhhh.”

He pulled again.

“Okay okay, shit. Come and get it, big boy.” She moved her leg and there it was, taped to her inner thigh. He reached for it and Jenny's legs snapped closed, trapping his arm. The man started to ooze “Aku Soku Zan”.

“Jenny? Why the fuck do you even have that taped to your leg?” Kelly shouted.

“Better than where it was before!”

“Don't do anything rash, Saito. I'll find a way to get you out,” Aoshi said, looking around wildly for something to pry him loose from the bear trap that was Jenny.

Saito just looked at him and sighed. “Yare, yare.”