Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Kenshin Parody, Book 2 ❯ Chapter 20

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

“You know what's ironic about this whole ordeal? That fucking remote was probably made in foogin' Japan!” Jenny shouted. “You'd think the assbanditos at Sony would make their own shit Saito-accessible.”

“Shut up,” Saito said calmly, looking over the remote in his hand, and then at the remote in Aoshi's hand. “Maybe it's this button.”

“I don't like the look of it. I'm not pressing it.”

“Oh c'mon, be a man for once in your pathetic existence! Think of your men. Beshimi, Whatshisface, umm...that fat one… and the other...guy… thing.”

“Why don't you press it?” Aoshi accused.

“Because I'm already three men. And besides, I didn't let anyone down. I won all of my fights.”

“Grrrr…ok.” Aoshi grudgingly hit the button Saito was talking about. He winced as if it was a bomb ready to explode, but when nothing happened he looked up, relieved. Suddenly he was tossed across the room like a Raggedy Andy doll hopped up on goofballs. “Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

“Ok, we're never pressing that button again,” Saito said, pulling the plastic button piece out of the remote and unceremoniously chucking it at Kelly's head.

Kelly eyeballed the little plastic piece. “Eject? Gotdamn Jenny, don't you wish we had one of those remotes back in AP English?”

“Yeah, right in the middle of watching Pride and Prejudice we could have made Mrs. Prost fly out the damn window like the cackling eight-toed gibbon she really was.”

“What do you mean `was'?”

“All right you two, quiet down.” Saito rubbed at his temple, trying to ignore the moaning that wimp Aoshi was making from the other side of the room. “I guess for the time being we're trapped here. That is, until we torture you both into telling us what button to push.”

“Oh no, not the damn rack again!” cried Jenny, trying to get free of her bonds. “Anything but that!”

“Where in the fuck is he going to find a medieval torture rack in the middle of this godforsaken city, Jenny? Where? Hot Topic? Old Navy? Naughty but Nice?”

“You never know with Saito. He could probably take a vibrator and make it into an implement of torture.” Jenny thought about it for a moment. “Hmmmm. That definitely would teach me a lesson or three. Four...Five...Ah hell, let's make it a baker's dozen! Cuz damn, I'm not driving!”

“Someone please separate us,” Kelly said, looking close to tears. “Now.”

Saito suddenly grabbed Jenny by the hair and began dragging her up the basement stairs with him. “Actually, that's a good idea for the time being. It'll keep you both out of trouble for the night.”

“Owwww, at least it's not the pubes again! I've got a bald patch down there that looks like Abraham Lincoln!”

The door at the top of the stairs slammed shut, leaving Kelly in the dark with a head-lopping psychopath. “Don't leave me down here with this loser! Ayy!” Kelly shouted, trying to hop forward in a sitting position.

Raggedy Aoshi started to stir, making more groaning noises than a 1970's porno starring Ron Jeremy. “Ahhhh ohhhh yeahhhh mmmmphhhh uhhhhuh… uh… uhuh... uhuhuhuhuhuh!”

Kelly waited patiently in the dark for when he got to her favorite part, `blasted his mess'.

Meanwhile, Saito was busy looking for a place to stash Jenny for the night. It was getting pretty late, and he was exhausted after the long day. He'd try questioning them both again in the morning. If he even lived until then. He pretty much feared for his life and genitals at this point.

“Where are you taking me, Saito-chanchanchanchanchan?” Jenny asked, trying to ignore the rug burns on her ass as he hauled her across the living room carpet.

“Hopefully somewhere you can't follow, hell spawn,” he snapped, turning around to open up an economy-sized can of ass whoopery on her.

"Geeeezus! Why you gotta be so rough with me? I'm behaving for once, kind of, dammit!" Jenny cried, cowering into a ball. “I bet you bite in the sack.”

“Too bad you'll never find out.”

“Aw man, don't rub that shit in.”

“Will you stop trying to drag your feet on purpose?!” Saito roared, as he labored to pull her forward. He started huffing and puffing like a Magic Dragon.

“Maybe if you didn't smork so much, some fresh air could get to your lungs,” Jenny retorted, “Or brain. You better stop that shiiiiot or else your nuts will shrink!” Her legs suddenly latched around the leg of a table, pulling that along with them.

Saito dragged her to the bathroom, where he tossed her into the tub.

“Woo! Rub a dub dub!” Jenny shouted happily, squeezing a random rubber ducky. Squeaky squeaky. “Well? Ain't you gonna get in? Tsk,” Jenny said, head shaking with attitude.

Saito leaned over and…turned the cold water on full blast. He walked the fuck out, whistling a happy tune.

“Nooooooooooo! C'mon, my nipples are like the Shinsengumi now! They're just `mf', they're not laughing, they're not dancing, and they're just like `Hey! I'm walking here! Get out the way bitch, get out the way!'”

Saito's head poked back into the room. “What?”

Jenny had little icicles hanging from her nose, and her lips were blue. “Untie me, pleeeeeeeeeeease!”

Saito leaned over and…turned the lights off. He walked the fuck out, a little skip in his step.

“Saito you can't do this to me! I looooooooooove you! `koochibirootoe koochibiroomehtoemehtoeteytoeteykami-donokunsansamawahwah! naneeeemohhh kiiinsheeitbakano shite aishite'ru aishite'ru aishite'roooo!'”

Saito's head poked back in and turned on the lights. “What in the fack?”

“What? I don't speak gooder Japanese? I speak gooder Engrish than you!”

Saito leaned over and…opened a window, turned the lights off, walked the hizell out, doing back flips. He then proceeded to make himself at home. He put on Kelly's purple bathrobe, blue slippers, and her mom's sleeping cap. He walked over to the refrigerator and looked inside while scratching his ass (typical male). “BRRRRRAAAAAAAAAP!” he belched.

“What the fuck was that? What died?” Jenny yelled from her ice tomb.

Saito walked back to the bathroom with a bottle in his hand. “What's this?”

“Kool-aid?”

“What's that? Alcohol?”

“No…”

“So `Jack Daniels' is non-alcoholic?”

“Yesssssss…” Jenny said shiftily, rubbing her hands fiendishly.

Saito took a huge swig from the bottle. “Hwagck! Gyeah! Gluglugluglug! Huzzah!”

Jenny eyed him hopefully; knowing that some shit had to happen.

Saito took off the robe and slung it over his shoulder and lit a cigarette. “Well.”

“I'm gettin' hot in here! So take off all your clothes! Pimp Juice, woo!” Jenny sang, shivering to the beat. “Why don't you have another drink? What's stopping ya? It's non-alcoholic. You know what that means right? No alcohol! And your liver's been bad, so it must be punished. And then, after that, you can make wild hot lesbian love to me!”

Saito took another drink, draining the bottle. He looked at it like it offended him, so he threw it against the wall, where it shattered, but not before cursing his liver to hell.

Jenny just looked at him with muppety eyes. “Holy rototiller! That's a scary-ass sight. Where's Fantastic Dan when you need him?”

“Don't tell me how to drink, woman! I can drink like a sakura blossom can…look pretty…” He looked around, ashamed at the words that just came out of his mouth.

“I'm not disagreeing,” Jenny said, trying to hold her hands up defensively, but since they were hogtied and frozen to her junk, that weren't happening, “You're very pretty, like a Geisha.”

“What'd you call me? Huh?! I'm a man! You have to respect me, wench!”

“A very pretty man! I love you Saito!”

“My name's not Saito! It's Futaenokiwamiusinloser, the third captain of…this house! Right?”

“Huh?”

“RIGHT?”

“Yessir!”

“And you are?”

“Your wife? Concubine? Personal assistant to the groin region of Kyoto? Second captain of your ass, foo'!” Jenny winced in anticipation of the boot to the fo'head that she knew was coming.

Saito/Futaenokiwamiusinloser just started to giggle maniacally.

“Anooooo… Futaenokiwamiusinloser? Are you okay?”

“What? Who said you could call me that? You will address me as Captain Crunchberries,” he said, holding a box of said cereal.

“Anooooo…Captain Crunchberries?”

“The third!”

“Anoooo…Captain Crunchberries the third?”

“Yes?”

“Can I crunch your berries?”

“Sure! Here,” he said, dumping the box on Jenny's head. The crunch berries instantly bonded to her frozen skin.

“Thanks, I guess,” Jenny said, trying to get at the berries.

“What do you mean, `you guess'? I worked long and hard for those! You don't appreciate anything I do! You don't even appreciate my kinky side! Damn you, Tokio! It is physically impossible for you to have a headache that often! I'm only 35, goddammit, I'm a maaaaaaaann!”

“Yes you are. A crazy man!”

All of a sudden, nigga turned mean and green up in this mug! He pulled the seat off the toilet, the water out of the bowl, the whole tank, the medicine cabinet, the shower curtain, the wallpaper, and the doorknob. He even fucked up the roast beast!

“Oh my rice balls! What am I doing? Stop me, please! Help me!” He turned and ran screaming from the room, skraight to the fridge. He pulled out a bottle of crab juice, and chugged that shit. “Blaaaaaaaaargh!” He tried some pickle juice. Too nasty. Lemon juice. Too sour. Bottle of wild vine `n' hooch. Just right. He downed the whole bottle in 2.4 seconds. And downed himself on the living room couch.

“TOKIOOOOOO!”