Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Let Me Drown ❯ One-Shot

Rating: NC-17 for explicit language and m/m sex.

Disclaimer: The cast of "Rurouni Kenshin" belongs to Watsuki Nobuhiro. I am making absolutely no profit from this, so please don't sue.

Notes: Okay... I'm experimenting with style here, so the story may read as somewhat odd. The title was inspired by October Project's "Deep As You Go", though the recommended soundtrack for this story is silence.

Warning: Major angst. I mean it.

He supposed he should feel something.

Anger. Sorrow. Rage. Grief. Pain.

The list was virtually endless, made finite only by the limits of the human ability to name his emotions.

Something. Anything.

Instead, he felt... discomfort. He was unused to the kimono and hakama he was currently wearing. While warmer than his usual clothes, they did not have the same sense of comforting familiarity. His white jacket was a lighthouse in the turbulent sea that was his life, the kanji sewn on its back a defiant shout against the crashing of the waves.

Does it really matter anymore?

Does anything, in the end, mattered at all?

He was sprawled on the steps of the dojo, like he had done so many times before. Today he felt as if he was watching himself from a distance, his soul detached from his living body. He watched himself brush ashes from the hem of his hakama, terribly aware of the soft blackness coating his fingertips and the minute movements of fine hairs on the back of his hands. And then he tipped his head back, eyes closed, feeling himself feeling the sun on his skin.

He opened his eyes and Kenshin was there, violet eyes petal-soft under bangs of violent crimson.

Daijobou ka? his friend asked.

Kenshin's voice was muffled, as if heard whilst underwater. He nearly drowned once, the night Sagara-taichou died. The river was fast and furious, a desperate entity fucking a furrow. The boy he'd been was submerged for what seemed like eternity, accompanied only by the sounds of his heartbeat and panicked breathing -- as if given a second gestation in the womb of Shinigami.

He finally shrugged in answer, not caring enough to lie. Maybe, he said simply.

Aa. Kenshin sat facing him, one step below where he rested. The pain will fade, the rurouni said quietly. You're too strong to be crippled by grief.

I am not in pain.

Sano...

I'm not.

You can't shut it out forever.

Shut what out? How can I shut anything out if I feel nothing?

The Battousai's eyes studied him. Your lover is dead.

Yeah, I kinda noticed. He glared. So what's your next brilliant observation, Kenshin? That the sky's blue?

Kenshin looked up. It's not blue, he commented. Not all of the sky, anyway -- there's the gray and white of the clouds, the gold of the sun. No absolutes.

Hajime'd agree with you, he said. He used to call me an ahou. Or, when he's in a generous mood, simple. The day before he died he told me he never really thought I was an idiot. Think he had a premonition?

The redhead's answer was slow in coming. Saitou was the Wolf of Mibu -- he had an instinct for death. Perhaps.

Yeah... Hajime was a wolf. Wolves don't live as long as humans, do they?

He cupped his left cheek with his palm, resting his elbow on his thigh. He remembered the last time they made love: him on all fours, face pressed to the futon, Hajime ramming his upraised ass from behind. He was mostly silent, only soft gasps betraying his passion and pain, but his lover made up for it with animalistic cries Fujita Goro would never admit to in daylight. He remembered seeing, at the periphery of his vision, the padded cotton fisted in Hajime's hands. He'd stroked himself in time with his lover's forceful thrusts, climaxing long before his lover did.

It hurt when Hajime withdrew from his body, though his lover tried to be gentle. But he had not bled, and he took comfort from Hajime's hands stroking his back as they lay tangled together. They'd swapped kisses for a long time before he drifted into dreams, Hajime's arms wrapped around him.

He was no longer sore the next morning, and his lover was gone.

What are you feeling, Sano? asked Kenshin, worry flickering across his too-pretty face.

He wanted to say: I wish I was in pain.

But he said, Hungry. Let's go inside.

His friend persisted. Are you sure?

Yes.

When they stood, Kenshin hugged him. I'm here for you if you need anything.

For a moment he almost despised his friend. Kenshin could not give him Hajime, or make him feel as his heart was ripped apart into cooling meat.

Sure, he said. Thanks.

-owari-

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