Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Looking for Mr. Right ❯ You duh man! ( Chapter 2 )

LOOKING FOR MR. RIGHT

STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY

WARNING: Major OOCness

-------<@ I revised Chapter 1 coz' there's some info. missing. Please do read it again. I intend to make fun of all the RK characters, so be warned!!!

***CHAPTER 2***

"Kaoru we need to get laid." Misao's voice possessed a lovely octave that could carry plainly through a hurricane.

And it was followed by a sudden hush in the crowded room.

Glancing at the nearby tables, Kaoru noted that the men had stopped talking and turned to stare at them with a lot more interest than she cared for.

Ah jeez! Will Misao ever learn to keep her voice down?

Kaoru covered her face with her hands and did her best to ignore the curious onlookers. An urge to slink beneath the table, followed by an even greater urge to kick her companion, consumed her.

"Why don't you speak a little louder, Misao?" she whispered. "I don't think all the guys in Japan were able to hear you."

Misao just laughed out loud.

A sudden stillness came over the room; most of the patrons were staring at the door. Kaoru followed their gazes and saw Kenshin with Tomoe by his side. She was a striking woman with long black hair and dark solemn eyes. She wore her elegance naturally. Something about the way she held herself combined with the careless manner in which she wore her clothes screamed old money.

Her heart did an instinctive skip-hop before it settled into the pit of her stomach. She knew she'd see him with Tomoe sooner or later. She just hadn't expected to see him so quickly.

He looked around the room until he spotted Kaoru sitting at a corner table with Misao. He stared at her and swallowed hard, then hurriedly ushered Tomoe to a table near the entrance of the restaurant.

Kaoru's heart ached as she watched him gaze at Tomoe lovingly and offer her the same single-minded attention he had given her in the days when they were in love. That was the man she was supposed to share her life with, the man she had believed would always love her. The injustice nearly choked her.

"Kaoru, you are shooting off enough hostility to scatter a pack of wolves." Misao looked at her in concern.

Kaoru didn't answer and instead stabbed her fork into the huge sausage she had ordered, and without breaking eye contact she bared her teeth and gave the sausage a vicious bite. Kenshin jumped and instinctively covered his lap, barely stifling a yelp.

Message sent. Message received.

"I can't believe you just did that!" Misao could scarcely speak for laughing. Tears rolled down her cheeks, and she gasped for breath. "Poor Himura."

"Did you see his face?" Kaoru collapsed into another spasm of laughter. "He felt a strong connection with that sausage. I'll tell you."

Misao fanned herself with her hand. "Whew, I haven't laughed like that since Aoshi won first place in a debate contest."

"What did they use? Sign language?"

They both dissolved into another fit of hysterical laughter.

"I got to go Misao. I need to get ready for my big date tonight."

Wow! Misao was impressed. Kaoru surely didn't waste any time looking for a replacement for Kenshin.

"So, who's the lucky guy?"

Kaoru smiled. "His name's Sanosuke Sagara. Tae knows him. She was the one who gave him my number. He called last night and I accepted his dinner invitation."

"That's wonderful," Misao said dreamily.

"He's taking me to this expensive Italian restaurant."

"He must be loaded. Well, I want full details, you hear me. Call me tomorrow."

"Will do."

Kaoru was having second thoughts when she saw Sanosuke Sagara. She was not impressed when her date showed up in 100 percent polyester, including outdated bell-bottoms that were checkered and much too short, revealing white socks and slip-on, non-leather shoes.

He gave new meaning to the words dressed to kill…he was going to kill her with embarrassment.

His hair was a Hollywood stylist's nightmare. Heck, even Bollywood will have a hard time accepting it. She pitied the poor creatures that would accidentally drop on his head. (A.N. Bollywood is India's own version of Hollywood)

"What is that smell?" she asked, wrinkling her nose.

"That's my eau de toilette. When I splash it on, the girls know there's a man around," Sano said proudly, puffing his chest.

Oh yeah, they'll know all right. It smells like a stinking public toilet.

"Looking ba-ba-boom, babe." Sano jiggled his eyebrows a couple of times.

She gritted her teeth. "The name's Kaoru."

"Well, hello to you, cupcake. My name's Sanosuke, but you can call me Sano. You naked underneath that?" he whispered. His eyes ogling her cleavage showed to an advantage by a halter dress with a deep V neckline. The deep blue dress, slinky, silky and body hugging did incredible things for her figure. Everything was right where it was supposed to be.

Sano's first thought when he saw her-other than how good she looked-was to wonder if a dress like that required a bra. Not that it was any of his business, but he couldn't help being curious.

Her sapphire eyes flashed thirteen different kinds of surprise. "Excuse me?" Kaoru had trouble believing that her friend Tae, someone who knew her and presumably liked her, could possibly believe she'd be compatible with this clown.

"Never mind. You're one uptight chick. You obviously do not have a sense of humor. It's a pity 'coz you're definitely a looker," he said shaking his head.

Kaoru ground her teeth in an effort to maintain her composure. "I happen to have a very well developed sense of humor. Why else would I go out with you?"

He laughed. "Great comeback. I think I'm starting to like you. Let's go."

His car didn't look much better. She wasn't sure if it was safe to ride in it. It was a huge, old boat-style car, rusted out and sporting a crack in the windshield. Beneath her feet was a factory recall notice from 1955.

As they journeyed on, she was glad she had her tetanus shots and prayed that he would make it safely to the restaurant.

The Italian restaurant he had chosen was first-class. Kaoru smiled with pleasure.

"This is very nice."

He grinned. "I only go with the best."

She couldn't say the same thing about his fashion sense, not to mention his car.

"I went to this small restaurant in Osaka once. It was horrible!"

Kaoru leaned forward. "Why is that?"

"The service was a bit slow. They should have printed a calendar with the menu. The waiter was so slow he had to shave three times before he got to our table…and the plate was so small, you could only put one sushi on it at a time."

"Poor you," she said trying to sound sympathetic. Kaoru hadn't experienced migraine before, but she was beginning to develop one right now.

Sano suddenly frowned. "You know, every time I have a cup of coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye. What should I do?"

"Try taking the spoon out of the cup."

He seemed to be thinking that over. "That sounds like good advice." He gave her a disarming smile. "Thanks a lot."

"No problem." She remembered her father saying that sometimes the gods compensated human beings who were born handicapped in one area by richly endowing them in another. Someone who was born with exceptional good looks, for example, might be dull-witted. A pang of compassion struck her.

Sano gave her a knowing grin. "Say baby, how's about a threesome later?"

"I beg your pardon?" She didn't bother to disguise her irritation.

"You know, you and me and Jack Daniels."

If this was how the evening was going to continue, she'd need wine. Heck, she'd need the whole bottle. Maybe, a swig now and again was bound to improve her mood.

"So, what do you do?" she asked, ignoring his suggestion and hoping to salvage this so-called date.

"I'm a free agent."

She toyed with her napkin. "What's a free agent, exactly?" she sounded impatient.

"I do this and that."

"Simply put, you don't have a permanent job," she muttered dread sweeping through her.

"Well, yeah. You can say that."

Uh-oh. This doesn't look good.

The waiter suddenly arrived with their food. Sano chose that moment to pick his nose. It reminded Kaoru of a deep-sea exploration to find the Titanic ship. It was utterly revolting.

"Busy line?" she asked hoping he got the drift, but he was too engrossed with his nose.

While her date was busy dialing one of his sensory organs, Kaoru made an assessment of her own. It only took her a moment to conclude that he was a man with more good looks than character. Her cursory inspection also told her everything she needed to know about him. She saw indolence in his slouching posture, arrogance in the angle of his head and a flicker of something unmistakably carnal in those half-lidded brown eyes.

And his hair. Good heavens! It defied the laws of gravity.

"Do you know I managed to captured a crook with just one finger?"

She set down her fork to study him more closely. "You're kidding, aren't you?"

"Nope."

"One finger? How did you do that?"

"I used it to dial the police station."

She rolled her eyes. "Wow! That's very brave of you," she said sarcastically.

Wanting to find if they have something in common, she asked him about his hobbies.

"I like to go to the casinos and throw some dice." He grinned suddenly and the movement of his mouth softened his features.

Okay, so maybe he did have a little gambling problem. But then, everyone needs a hobby.

He rubbed his chin. "Say, what do you get if you cross an ox and a moron?"

Kaoru was itching to say "You!" but instead she said. "Enlighten me."

Sano was beginning to enjoy himself. "If you cross an ox and a moron, you get oxymoron." He laughed as if what he'd said was uproariously funny. "Oxymoron. Get it?"

Ha. Ha. Ha. "No," she said flatly. Kaoru's head was starting to pound in earnest now, and she knew she couldn't go through with this. She couldn't stand another minute in this man's company. Not only were his jokes corny but he's also a slob.

When the waiter brought their bill, Sano handed it to Kaoru.

"The lady's paying our dinner," he said to the waiter.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Why should I pay for our dinner?" he asked. "You're the one with a job."

"Yes, but…you asked me out."

"True. But I'm doing you a big favor. Tae told me your fiancé dumped you, so I'm here to cheer you up. By the way, don't forget to give the waiter a large tip."

Disgusted, Kaoru picked up her purse. It wouldn't do any good to argue.

"Oh, you intellectually-impaired freeloader," she muttered under her breath. "Somebody needs to castrate you."

Unfortunately, she hadn't brought enough money with her, since she quit carrying her credit cards and didn't have her ATM card with her, assuming that her date will pay for everything. They ended up washing the dishes and ruining her Dolce & Gabbana dress given to her by Harumi Inoue, one of Japan's top fashion models.

They arrived at her house a quarter before one. She was so tired from washing those dirty dishes the height of Mount Fuji. Kaoru suddenly noticed a huge box blocking her doorway. She marched toward the box and opened it. Inside were all the things she had given to Kenshin.

So, he doesn't want any reminder of me, that's why he's giving back all these personal stuff. He's trying to erase me from his memory forever.

This is it, she thought. This is the darkest moment of my life.

A sob rose in her chest. She gritted her teeth against the urge to cry. Kaoru's heart felt so bruised it was hard to breathe.

What happened to us, Kenshin? Our love was supposed to last forever.

But forever seemed to have passed them by.

Fingers of rage suddenly uncurled inside her. She hated herself like this-lonely and depressed. She was tired of people messing with her. Her stubborn streak set in. She was tired of her sadness. She had never been a coward.

Why, Kenshin Himura would be the luckiest man in the world to marry a woman like me. Of all the nerve!

With a sigh of exasperation, she lugged the box inside. Damn! It was heavy.

"You know, hauling around stuff like that isn't good for a person with back trouble."

"Do you have back trouble, Sano?"

"Not now, I don't, which is exactly my point."

She suppressed an urge to pummel him. He was infuriating and lazy. "Don't worry I'm not asking for your help."

Instead of being shamed, he seemed please. "Suit yourself. You duh man."

You duh man…you duh big dumb jerk!

Kaoru mustered a smile for him. "Thank you for bringing me home. Good night, Sano. I wish you well." She couldn't in good faith tell him it had been a pleasure to meet him. It had been an experience she wasn't likely to repeat. An experience she wasn't likely to forget.

"Yeah, that was fun. We'll have to go out again real soon."

"Yeah, sure," Kaoru muttered. As soon as I came into a fortune.

The corners of his eyes crinkled. "I have another joke for you."

A lump of ice went down her throat whole. "Another one?" she choked.

"Here's a good one. Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"I dunno."

"To get the daily news. Do you get it?"

"No."

"Neither do I."

"Jeez! The only chicken I see around here is you. No wait, make that a rooster."

He assumed a hurt little-boy look. "Hey, lighten up, will you babe."

Her temper flared. "Lighten up! How can I lighten up when you're spewing a load of nonsense. You know what I think? I think there ought to be a law against people like you." She could no longer hold back her words. "The closest you'll ever get to a joke is when you look in a mirror."

One of his eyebrows arched. "Well, excuse me for trying to comfort a future spinster. Damn! You're nutty as a fruitcake. No wonder, your fiancé left you."

That stung. She looked dangerously wired and ready to detonate. She had to overcome this newly discovered urge to mutilate anything with a high testosterone count.

Kaoru was so outraged she couldn't find the words to speak. It took her all of two seconds to recover. She met his look, her own anger spilling over. "For your information, I can have any man I want. It just so happened that I picked a loser. Now leave!" In case he needed help finding the door, she pointed it out to him. "Get in that rolling junkyard and never darken my driveway again with your oil spills."

"All right," Sano growled, pushing past Kaoru. "If that's the way you want it, fine."

She watched him drive in that old heap of a car and slammed the door.

He's only been gone ten seconds and already I can feel my blood pressure lowering.

"That fashion-impaired, freeloading rooster head," she said fuming. "Man! When I see that stupid fool again, I'm gonna take his dumb head off for him."

"MOU!"

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

My undying thanks to Anna-neko-sama for proof-reading my fic. * BIG HUG & KISS *

Also, thanks to the following who R&R my story:

Chibi-angel - CONGRATS!!! I sent you an e-card.

Kiki (yunqi10@hotmail.com)

Mystic Ice

nobody

april-moon

ShilviGrl/Amyjenc1

Jason M. Lee

Manina

Mutsumi

teddy grahms

Cali

chitchat

Uber Rei Model

donna8157

Ame Kurayami

Tamsyn

Briar

Reviewer

neurotic-sine - Enishi? You'll have to wait & see ::evil grin::

Sock Lady

Eikou

vanilla bean

UNITL NEXT TIME FOLKS! IT'S MISAO'S TURN ::EVIL LAUGHTER::