Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Not So Far ❯ One-Shot

Title: Not So Far

Author: tir-synni

Disclaimer: How do you say, "Not mine", in Japanese?

Author Notes: (shrug) Just something that popped in my head. And something, I must admit, I was a tad bit curious about. What can I say, I had a half hour to kill. As always, please review.

Warning: Angst, implied shounen-ai, unbeta'd

Addy: relisprince@hotmail.com

Rating: PG?

The bastard had run off...again. And Kaoru had sent me out looking for him.

I growled as I stomped through the forest, looking for our own Himura Kenshin. Nothing unusual about Kenshin running off, no matter how much it pissed me off. He would get challenged to some battle, he would hear about some battle, something like that, and Kenshin just had to play the damnable hero.

And the gods fuck him for being so good at it.

Kaoru had woken this morning to find the floors unswept, the laundry undone, and no breakfast cooking. Next thing I know, a panic-stricken Yahiko is busting down my door screaming at the top of his lungs that Kenshin had vanished again. I wonder who had challenged him this time? And of course, he couldn't imagine calling us for help. It would inconvenience us, it would bother us, it would endanger us, dadadada.

Do you ever get inconvenienced, Kenshin? I find myself wondering, even as I duck under another tree branch. You save the world and still find the time to do the dishes, hang out with me, placate Jou-chan, and inspire Yahiko. Does any of this ever bother you? Do you ever get tired of Jou-chan's tantrums, or the government's demands of you? Do you ever get annoyed with me when I bug you to come gambling, or get pissed when Yahiko messes up the newly swept floors? It never shows. Kenshin is always the damn hero. I've never seen him falter, I've never seen him sad. Why is that, Kenshin? Aren't you human like the rest of us?

I snarl to myself and slam my fist through a tree. The slim tree wavers before collapsing, and I growl. I see before me Kenshin's beautiful, Rurouni smile. It never fades, it's always there to reassure you when you're upset or afraid. He's used it on me countless times. But have you ever been afraid, Kenshin? Not for others, but for yourself. Have you, Kenshin?

I growl before silencing myself. Surely if Kenshin was around, he would have heard that sound and come running. I listen intently, but there's no sound. All I can hear is the river in the distance. No, Kenshin did not come this way. Dammit, where is he then? Jou-chan isn't going to be--

Wait, I hear something. I don't know what it is, but it sounds human. It sounds like it's by the river. Could Kenshin be fighting someone there?

I jog lightly towards the river, all the while reflecting on Kenshin. I've never before met anyone like him. He is so gentle, so beautiful, so perfect. I've never seen him angry for himself, always that righteous anger that comes from defense of others. I've never seen him frustrated or upset. It was like he was an angel sent by the gods to watch out for us. But there's more to him than that. Otherwise, the Battousai would never had been born.

But even the Battousai was perfect. A perfect killer, but still perfect.

Ugh! What are you, Kenshin?! Are you even human?

Even your looks.... What did those men think before they died, with you and your blades coming towards them. Did they even fight? Or did they think that you were an angel, and receive you with open arms?

Did the Battousai even give them that chance?

The river grows louder in my ears, and I slow down. The other sound grows louder, too, and it's strangely familiar, but I can't place it. I know it's not the sound of blades clashing, though. Perhaps this is not Kenshin, and I am going in the wrong direction. What would Jou-chan say if she knew I was just wandering when Kenshin's life was at sake? She would--

Oh, Kami.

I can't move. I can't even breathe. Everything inside me seems to stop at this one moment. I never imagined I would see this.

Kenshin...never before have you seemed like a fallen angel as you do right now. Your hair falls about your face....Your hair is down, Kenshin. I almost never see your hair down. It shines beautifully in the sunset, tumbling down your back....And your reverse-blade sword....I have never seen it so far from your hands. It looks like you just tossed it aside.

And Kenshin....You're crying.

His small shoulders heave in front of me, tossing his soft hair wildly. For a long moment, I can only watch, entranced, as the great Hitokiri Battousai sobs wretchedly. You seem so small, Kenshin. I'm afraid to touch you. Would you break? You seem smaller than Yahiko just now....

"Kenshin...?" I breathe, and he seems to choke in front of me. He's gasping so hard I'm afraid he's going to be sick. That fear awakens me. "Kenshin!"

He looks away, his lovely face still buried in his tiny hands. His whole body is trembling violently, and before I know it, he is held protectively in my arms.

"Hey, knock it off, Kenshin," I murmur softly. "It's okay. Calm down."

I don't want to tell him to stop crying. Maybe...maybe he has to.

He sniffs shakily and looks up at him. Heh. Even after sobbing for who knows how long, he still manages to look beautiful. But not perfect. Not anymore.

"Sano...." he whispers. My heart cracks as I hear his trembling voice. "Sessha...sessha very sorry."

For the first time, I begin to wonder if perhaps Sessha isn't some humble reference...if perhaps he truly means "My unworthy self."

"Why?" I whisper back, afraid to raise my voice. It's like when Jou-chan cries, not those dramatic tears of hers, but real tears. I don't know what to do. Yahiko and I usually bolt the room. Kenshin usually takes care of situations like this.

Damn.

Kenshin licks his lips and wipes his eyes fiercely. "Sessha...sessha very sorry you caught me like this. Sessha sorry that I didn't clean this morning. Sessha...."

I clamp a hand over his mouth. I can still feel him shaking like a leaf in my arms. I'm truly frightened that he's going to shatter. Kenshin's breathing raggedly against my hand, his violet eyes wide and wild. For so long I've imagined him in my arms. I don't think even in my wildest fantasies, however, that I could have imagined him like this. Not beautiful, perfect Kenshin.

"Don't worry about it," I reply huskily. "No one minds, Kenshin. But why did you run off? We were worried about you."

He's sniffling and shivering. I really, really hope he doesn't throw up. "Today," he whispers, "is Sessha's birthday. Today's a bad day, de gozaru."

My eyes widen. "Bad day? But today's a good day, Kenshin! You should have told us earlier! We could have celebrated--"

Kenshin shakes his head frantically. "When Sessha was born," he rasps, "the villagers tried to drown me. My kaasan and tousan looked like normal Japanese farmers. But not Sessha. They said that I looked like a demon, that I was evil, that I should be drowned. No one else in the village had hair like Sessha, or eyes like Sessha. For years, all avoided talk about Sessha's birthday, like it was an omen."

I force a smile to my lips, even while I raged inwardly. What the hell were they thinking!? Stupid, superstitious fools! To speak that way about a child!

"They were idiots, Kenshin," I whisper, "nothing--"

He only shakes his head again. "When I was born," he insists, "that's when the crops started dying. My village...we depended heavily on those crops. The river dried up, and the animals started falling. They blamed it on Sessha, begged my parents to burn Sessha to appease the gods. But my parents refused, and the crops kept dying. It didn't take long for the sickness to appear. After it killed my parents, the villagers were too afraid to hurt Sessha, so they sold me to slavers instead."

My arms were tight around Kenshin's body, and for the first time, I noticed that I could feel his ribs. I knew he was slender, but this--

Kenshin was still talking, in a strange, breathless manner that chilled me. The words kept pouring out of his mouth. I doubt he even knew what he was saying.

"The slavers...they died, too. I was there, and I watched. Sakura-san, Akane-san, Kasumi-san...they all died before my eyes. Everyone did. Only two people walked away from that battlefield...Sessha and Shishou. Shishou had killed the bandits and left me there. Sessha did the only thing I could think of...Sessha buried them all."

Fuck Kenshin throwing up, I felt like I was going to. I could taste it in the back of my throat. Oh, Kami, Kenshin. Kenshin....

"Everyone has always died," he breathed, his shivering increasing. I grip him tighter. "I always see it...blood behind my eyes. It's always there...."

To my horror, I notice his hands for the first time. All the while he had been talking, he had been digging his nails hard into his hands. Swiftly, I grab him, but he never notices.

"My wife, Tomoe," he continues softly, his voice growing fainter. "I killed her, Sano. I killed her fiance, and then a year later, I killed her. They were right, Sano. They were right...."

The vomit tastes grows in the back of my throat. I think I am beginning to understand. This is why you could never get angry for yourself, hate others for yourself. It was all directed inward, wasn't it? You couldn't hate others, because you were too busy hating yourself. You never stopped wandering, did you? You never stopped struggling to atone. Your body may have stopped, but your heart still does, searching for redemption. And you struggle so hard to make everyone else happy, because you feel they deserve it...and you don't.

This all occurs to me in a flash, and I am left trembling.

"Kenshin," I whisper, clutching you tightly to me. "Kenshin." I have never been good with words. That is something nothing is ever going to change. But I put everything I'm feeling into that one word, hoping you understand what I'm trying to say. Everying I've ever felt for you is in that one word.

Please understand, Kenshin.

His beautiful eyes are wide as he finally gazes back at me. He shivers still, but I think I can see signs of genuine hope rising in his eyes. Then they close, and he collapses against me.

I handle Kenshin's light weight without a problem. I find myself wondering how long he had been acting like that before I found him. He left before sunrise, and it was sunset now. The ground below him was torn savagely, and by the marks on the sides of his delicate hands, I see how. He exhausted himself, and I hope he has not made himself sick, as well.

And if he hasn't? I wonder. I'll make up some excuse for him and carry him back to his bed. And how will he act in the morning? Will he act the same, pasting on his Rurouni smile and continuing his arduous day without complaint? Or might that flicker of hope remain? Will some of his real self shine through?

I pull Kenshin's limp body possessively closer and bury my face in his soft, crimson hair. I don't know, but I will be there for him. And I'll be damned if I will allow Kenshin to ever lie to me again.