What Might Have Been

but Never Was

and That that Cannot Be

All of This

Immortal Sins

of Thought and Destiny….

Sanosuke dozed in and out of consciousness; sleep, it seemed, would not take him to its shadowy realms mo matter how hard he willed it to. He finally gave in to the thoughts that plagued him, the demons that ate at him, and opened his eyes.

It was an intolerably warm night; why were summers so damned hot around here, anyway? He wandered outside, despite the fact that it was raining lightly. I need to be somewhere… else. I need to be… need to be with-

Sano stopped that train of thought in its tracks. She's the one keeping me up at night, he thought. Unconsciously, his feet took him down a familiar path. She's the one I need to see. She's the one…

She's the one….

Sano sighed; a long, sad sigh. If only she was the one. If only she was myone, my only. If only she was… mine-

Iya! he screamed at himself. Sagara, stop that! You can neverhave her, he thought bitterly.

After a long while of fighting off his personal demons, Sanosuke finally decided he'd deluded himself long enough. All right, so I can't have her. I can never have her… but… I can still love her. I do love her.

Her vision crept into his thoughts, as vehemently beautiful as ever. Her long, raven hair flowing across her shoulders, her wistful eyes looking off into the distance, over the chasms of time, space, and emotion…

But never at him.

She never focused those brilliant eyes on him.

Sanosuke sighed again. My beautiful… will you never turn those lovely eyes toward me?

His thoughts were interrupted suddenly; he had arrived. His feet had taken him to the one place he wanted to avoid most.

He knew she would be there, sleeping contentedly, wrapped in the comforts of pleasant dreams… but he could not make himself go inside. His feet, which had seemed to work autonomously before, refused to take another step.

He forced his feet to move, however, as rainwater rolling off the roof spilled onto his head; he leaned against the railing, just out of reach of the raindrops as their watery fury intensified.

Kamiya Kaoru could not sleep. Something had woken her from a most wonderful dream about a certain read-headed tenant of the Kamiya dojo, and sleep would not welcome her anymore.

She decided she was hungry, and went off in search of food. There should be leftovers from Kenshin's dinner tonight, Sanosuke didn't stop by today, and I saved some of the food from Yahiko's greedy clutches.

As Kaoru searched for something to abate her hunger, she didn't notice someone slip through the front door of the dojo….

Bah, Sanosuke thought. I've come this far, haven't I? I… I may as well go in. If I can at least- at least hear the sound of her breathing…

I know this is silly, he scolded himself. Kenshin can take care of her just fine. Nothing will ever hurt her, so long as Kenshin has his way.

But that's part of the problem….

Sanosuke snorted inwardly. Hell, that's the entire problem. That, and the man's like a brother to me. My best friend….

And greatest rival.

In more ways than one.

Sanosuke steeled himself, bound his emotions, and walked through the door of the Kamiya Kasshin dojo.

What Might Have Been

but Never Was

Kaoru was still in the process of searching for a midnight snack when she walked straight into something… wet?

No, it was someone, and they were just a little damp. Is it raining outside? she thought absently. It never crossed her mind to be frightened by this intruder; she was by no stretch of the imagination an expert on ki and such things, but the man - for he was a man - didn't seem to have any evil intentions toward her. He also seemed familiar… muscular, tall, and slightly gangly….

She couldn't make out anything visually in the midnight's non-light, but she recognized the man nonetheless.

"Sanosuke!"

Sanosuke could have sworn ten years were taken off his life when she ran into him.

He was not expecting that.

"Sanosuke!" she said softly. He couldn't see anything, but he could visualize the shocked, childlike-innocent expression on her face. He smiled, but she never saw.

What now, Sagara? "Jou-chan…!" he said, only half-feigning shock. "W-what're you doing up so late?"

"I was hungry… demo- wait- why are you here?" she asked; she pulled away from their awkward position and looked up in the general direction of his face.

Sanosuke was slightly stung. I wanted to see you, I wanted to know you were okay, I wanted you… I wanted you….

Before he could think up a plausible answer, Kaoru had grabbed a candle and lit it. He had to restrain himself from visibly gaping at her. Kirei….

Her hair was in a simple braid, and draped carelessly over her shoulder. Her eyes… the candlelight caught in them, making them flicker and dance. She had on a simple yukata, which clung to her in ways a kimono never could.

She looked quizzically at him, unaware of his emotions. "Don't you have a home to go to?"

Whatever words Sanosuke had planned to say died in his throat.

Kaoru instantly regretted her choice of words when she saw how Sanosuke's face fell. "Oh… Sano, I… I didn't mean it like that," she said, unable to meet those sad chocolate-brown eyes. Why doesn't he just make a joke about the tanuki-girl already? Why… why is he so sad…?

Why isn't Sano acting like he should?

Kaoru couldn't bear to see her friend like this. "Sanosuke… what- what's wrong?"

Sanosuke looked down into her eyes, and his heart melted. She's sad… she's sad for me….

Kaoru, onegai, don't be sad….

His emotions assaulted him. He wanted to hold her, tell her everything was all right, that he was all right, and that he loved her. He loved her…

Somewhere, something in his heart finally gave way. I'll tell her. I'll tell her tonight, and everything'll be fine….

The words would not come. Sanosuke wondered if he had gone mute. Okay, so I can't say it… but… I have to tell her… somehow…. Somehow, before this eats me alive….

and That that Cannot Be

Kaoru found herself suddenly in Sanosuke's arms. Sanosuke… She tried to form his name, but could not seem to speak. So tender was all she could think… his embrace is so tender….

Sanosuke finally found his voice. "I've wanted to tell you… for some time now." He drew a shaky breath. "I know you love Kenshin, and he loves you… but I-" his voice caught; I'm finally going to say it - "I love you, too, Kaoru…. And I would never want to make you unhappy. You two deserve each other, and… I… don't deserve to interfere."

He gently released her from his arms. "I'm so sorry, Kaoru…." He couldn't bring himself to look into her eyes; those beautiful pools of cerulean… he didn't want to see what emotions lay there. She probably hates me now.

"…Sanosuke…." She placed a slim finger under his chin and raised his head to meet her eyes. Seeing the pain, the fear, the love in his chocolate-brown eyes, she didn't even try to fake a smile. It would only hurt him more. "I…" Kami-sama, I hold his heart in the palms of my hands, how can I say this without crushing him? "I don't suppose I ever really considered… a serious relationship with you," she began, let her finger fall from his chin, and immediately closed her eyes. She didn't want to see the pain she knew was there. "but I… I do wonder… sometimes… what could have happened between us… if things had been different…."

She looked into his eyes again; but he could not meet hers. "Kaoru…" a single tear threatened to slide down his cheek. Kaoru's heart wept for him, but tears would not come to her own eyes. "I'll be staying at my place for-" Sanosuke stopped, his breath catching in his throat - "for a while. I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…."

The tear left a glistening trail down his cheek and traced his jawline. Having nothing more to say, he turned to leave the Kamiya dojo.

All of This

Immortal Sins

A slender hand gripped desperately at his wrist before he could take his second step. He turned to face her-

-and any words were silenced as Kaoru's lips found his. He closed his eyes, but tears spilled down his cheeks, and his heart ached; he knew she could never really be his. He returned her kiss, their mouths seemed to fit so perfectly together. She tastes so sweet, he thought longingly. I wish… if only….

She broke the kiss, reluctantly, it seemed. Or am I imagining that? He looked into her eyes; he saw sadness in them, and he knew the candlelight glinted off of his own tears. More spilled over his cheeks as he gave her one last, tender embrace, knowing it would be his last. "Sayounara… Kaoru…."

It was said not as a goodbye between friends, but as one between lovers destined to never meet again… for they never would meet again, not under the same circumstances, never with the same raw, pure emotions.

They would meet again, tomorrow, next week, it was inevitable. Everyone expected them to be friends, so they would continue to be so. But it would never be the same.

Never…

Never be the same….

Kaoru blew out the candle and walked through the dojo; finding the shoji to her room, she slid it open, curled into her futon, and cried.

of Thought and Destiny

Owari

~

Yes, this is actually supposed to say "All of This Immortal Sins of Thought and Destiny." It makes sense if you use "Immortal" as a noun and "Sins" as a verb. Or, whatever, if you just don't think about the words in strict context, it makes plenty more sense. Don't ask. I'm not sure where I got this little poem, it all started with one of my favorite angst themes: What Might Have Been. I finished writing it down and wondered… "where the hell did that come from?"

I've had a scene in my head for a Sano+Kaoru fic for a little while. I've never seen Sano cry in the series, but if I ever did, I think I'd die. T_Tx Poor Sano! I can just see the tears streaming down his face… *cries*

I originally intended this as a one-shot fic, but I may put in another chapter or an epilogue, where - years later - Sano confesses what happened on that warm summer night to Kenshin. Trust me, Sano's gonna be tearing himself up. (Ooh, I just love bishi-bashing! …If you can't already tell that from my other little angsty one-shots.)

I'm sure you're sick of hearing me talk. It's really late tonight - ano, this morning - so I'm not even going to attempt my usual Kenshin-speak.

Oyasumi for now… R+R if, you know, you give a damn. *yawn* 'Night…. ZzzZzZzzZzZzzZzZzzZ….

Update: 05-25-03

CHIKUSHO! I had a word *shudders* MISSPELLED! And no one had the decency to tell sessha?! Well, it's fixed now. Everything's perfect. Spotless. *happy rurouni grin* ^_^x (Gods, I sound like Kenshin doing the laundry, don't I? *swirly-eyed* @@x Orooooo…)

Update: 05-29-03

*eyes glow amber* Sessha has tried to fix it. Sessha re-italicized it four times, and uploaded it just as many. No matter what sessha does, it stays unitalicized. DAMN YOU FF.NET!

*deep breath* The twenty-fifth paragraph, discounting the full poem at the beginning, says "What Might Have Been." It should by all rights say "What Might Have Been." For some stupid reason, FF.net doesn't see fit to italicize an italicized sentence. *feral growl at FF.net administrators*

*another deep breath* Please bear with me- ah. *hits self in head* Ahem. Ow. Please bear with sessha, and just pretend that the twenty-fifth paragraph is italicized.

Arigatou gozaru, min'na-dono. *unsheathes sakabatou and proceeds to slice some unsuspecting inanimate object to shreds*