Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Regrets ❯ Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin and its characters do not belong to me.

Warnings: Slight non-con, foul language, the Battosai, and angst. Also, Sanosuke has a little psycho alter-ego of his own.

Note before reading: Italics- Indicate thoughts

:Italics: Indicate the Battosai speaking in Kenshin's head.

" Are you sure you're okay now?"

Kenshin nodded sleepily, just feeling content to rest his head on Sanosuke's chest. He could not remember just how long he had been crying, knowing only that Sanosuke had held him the entire time. He never would have guessed that Sanosuke would be the comforting type.

" I am fine, de gozaru" Kenshin murmured.

Sanosuke chuckled at his best friend's odd speech pattern, wrapping his arms tighter around the smaller man. He had been terrified when Kenshin had showed up crying at his apartment. Sanosuke had never seen Kenshin cry, especially not in the bawling way that Kenshin had been doing.

" You never did tell me what made you cry like that" Sanosuke whispered.

Sanosuke felt Kenshin tense up, then the smaller man turned in his arms, turning his back to him. Not that Sanosuke minded spooning his body against Kenshin's shorter frame, resting his forehead against Kenshin's shoulder. The man always acted like this when he was trying to figure out how to tell him something.

" Does this have to do with Saitou?"

Kenshin whimpered softly, nodding his head slightly. He could tell Sanosuke was trying his best to stay calm, though he knew that it wouldn't last long. The younger man never could quite stay calm when it came to Saitou.

" Did he hit you?"

Once again Kenshin nodded, and Sanosuke could tell from the slight shuddering of Kenshin's body that the smaller man was crying. Already he could feel his temper beginning to rise, not at Kenshin though, but at the bastard that caused his friend so much pain.

" Show me."

Kenshin tensed, already knowing that Sanosuke would say that. Slowly, almost stiffly, he rose from the bed. He could feel Sanosuke's eyes on his back as he turned away, not wanting to see the look on Sanosuke's face as he begin to unbutton his shirt. He heard Sanosuke inhale sharply as the shirt dropped to the floor, knowing that Sanosuke was taking in the sight of his bruise-ridden back.

" Shit" Sanosuke swore angrily, his hands clenching into fist.

He knew now why Kenshin had winced when he hugged him, and why the man had moved so stiffly. The bruises nearly covered every patch of skin on his back, and what wasn't covered by bruises were small bleeding welts. It looked like he had been beaten by both someone's fist, and someone's belt. Two things that Saitou Hajime, the bastard that Sanosuke just knew had did this, owned and used.

As he continued to scan Kenshin's body, he also noticed that there were also more bruises on Kenshin's legs, as well as little red marks that could only be from bites. Love bites, is what Kenshin had always called them, even if the bites themselves left him bleeding. He just couldn't understand why someone like Kenshin would put up with all the shit that Saitou put him through.

" What the fuck did he do to you?" Sanosuke snarled, already knowing damn well what the older man had done to his friend.

" What the fuck did he do to you" Sanosuke snarled, sitting up quickly in bed.

Kenshin flinched at the harshness in Sanosuke's voice, unconsciously taking a step back. Even though the anger wasn't focused towards him, he still couldn't help but feel a little fear. He knew that Sanosuke was the type to get easily angered, and also knew that when Sanosuke liked to get angry, he liked to talk with his fist rather than his mouth. Even though Sanosuke couldn't take him down in a fight, he felt too weary to have to deal with anyone's anger tonight.

" It. . . It wasn't his fault, d-de gozaru" Kenshin stammered, stepping back a few more paces as Sanosuke moved from off the bed..

Having grown tired of hearing Kenshin always defending the bastard, Sanosuke couldn't help but get angry. He was tired of it all. Tired of seeing Kenshin sport some new bruise as if it was a fucking badge of honor. Tired of hearing him defend that man. Tired of having to be the one to hold Kenshin, to tell him that everything was going to be alright; only to have to watch him leave and back to that man.

A little more than pissed, Sanosuke grabbed Kenshin by the shoulders, shaking him roughly. " Don't give me that bullshit! You show up at my place in the middle of the fucking night, bawling like a goddamn woman with you back all fucked up. And all you can say is 'it's not his fault'? What the fuck is wrong with you? This ain't like you Kenshin!"

Kenshin's eyes went wide in shock as he was push roughly, his back hitting the wall, causing his body to scream with pain. Never before had he seen Sanosuke so angry. Well, he had seen him this angry, but the anger had never been directed towards him. The anger reminded him of Saitou's fury when angered, whenever he did something wrong to anger the man and Saitou punished him.

" Are you going to him me Sano?" Kenshin asked quietly, his eyes downcast.

For some reason, that question infuriated Sanosuke more than anything else. To his own anger-clouded mind, it sounded almost as if Kenshin was challenging. Is this how it was when he was with Saitou? Sanosuke could help but wonder if somehow Kenshin liked the abuse that the older man gave him. The though of Saitou and Kenshin together only served to further piss him off.

" Why, so you can put me on the same pedestal as Saitou?! So you can compare me to him? Like you always do?" Sanosuke yelled, just vaguely aware that he was screaming.

" I. . . Sano, you , you and Saitou are.." Kenshin whispered, gasping as a hand slid around his throat.

" Damn you Kenshin! Don't say his name, not around me!" Sanosuke yelled, now fully aware that he was screaming at the top of his lungs. He was also noticing that with each word, he was slamming Kenshin against the wall. " I'm tired of being on the back burner, always second in line with you. First it was with Jo-chan, but I didn't mind because I'm just Sano the idiot, and she's the great Kaoru-dono. So of course you'd pick her over me.

" And so I waited, and I tried to play the best friend, goddamn you! I tried my hardest to not think of you like that. Then finally, when you and Jo-chan broke up, I was thrilled. Here I was finally thinking that maybe you and I could get together, but no! You just had to go and pick the biggest, greatest bastard of them all, didn't you? The great asshole Saitou Hajime!"

Sanosuke panted softly, trying to find his breath once more. He squeezed Kenshin's throat a little harder, trying to figure out if what he had just said made any sense at all. To his ears, it was all just garbled noise. He wanted so bad to try and explain how he really felt towards Kenshin, but found that the words wouldn't come. He couldn't be calm and have a nice little conversation of how he had fallen in love with his best friend. Of how he wanted to hold Kenshin and treat him like a king. But the words wouldn't come, and so the only thing he could do was scream and shout, and pray that he didn't hurt Kenshin.

" Shut up!" Sanosuke said, squeezing Kenshin's throat hard when Kenshin tried to speak, " You will not speak until I am finished, do you understand?!"

Kenshin tried to swallow, finding it hard to do with Sanosuke's hand wrapped so tightly around his throat. He knew there would be bruises on his throat, and was beginning to find it hard to breath. Grasping at Sano's wrist, Kenshin tried to pry the man's hand from his throat.

" Please, Sano, you're hurting me" Kenshin whispered, trying to keep himself calm.

It was taking all of his inner-strength not to panic, to keep that part of himself buried, as Saitou's face begin to overlap Sanosuke's face. His pleas however, were answered with another slam against the wall, the look on Sanosuke's face truly murderous.

" Didn't I tell you to shut the fuck up!" Sanosuke yelled, even though he loosened the grip some, laughing as a sudden thought came to mind. " Heh, why Kenshin? I thought you enjoyed being hurt, you know, the self-sacrificing martyr. Isn't that why you like being with Saitou? Isn't that why you stay with him?"

The people in the apartment underneath his begin banging the ceiling, his floor, not that he cared. The only thing on his mind at the moment was rage, years and year of pent up rage and jealousy. He was so tired of knowing that someone had the pleasure of seeing Kenshin in a way he himself would never get to see. Even though he and Kenshin had spent many night together in bed, the only intimate thing they had done so far was just a kiss. And it was Kenshin who had kissed him, though that had been a long time ago when Sanosuke hadn't had feeling like that for his friend.

Whenever Kenshin did spend the night over nowadays was because he needed comfort, comfort that he would only seek from Sanosuke. Of course, Sanosuke was too much of an idiot to see the truth behind these actions, not seeing the love that was deeply ingrained in these actions. All he saw was that he was being used, and he felt betrayed, his grief so heavy that he wanted to last out at anything.

Too bad, that the only person there at the moment was Kenshin.

Bending down slightly so that he was face to face with Kenshin, Sanosuke smiled cruelly. A look so foreign and alien on the man's face that Kenshin couldn't help but want to look away. Cruelty was not something that should ever be associated with Sanosuke, and Kenshin refused to associate this face with that of his best friend, the person he just loved the most. It couldn't, there was just no way that Sanosuke could ever be like this, and looking into the cruel eyes of his best friend, Kenshin's eyes went wide as he realized something.

" Zanza" Kenshin whispered, giving name to the person that was standing before him.

Growling low in his throat, Sanosuke once again squeezed his throat tightly. He hated hearing that name, especially hearing that name fall from Kenshin's lips. Zanza. The name that everyone out on the streets knew him by. The yakuza-for-hire. Once again rage clouded his thoughts, if Kenshin wanted to associate him as Zanza then so be it, he would be Zanza.

" I wonder what Saitou would think of you if he knew all your little secrets? I wonder what anyone would think if they knew about what you've done" Sanosuke whispered, just loud enough so that Kenshin could barely hear.

Kenshin froze, his mind trying not to register Sanosuke's words. Never in a thousand years would he have thought that Sanosuke would use the same secrets that he had told him so many years ago, against him. The very thought of it made Kenshin sick to his stomach.

" I wonder what Saitou would think if his little punching bag had once been a little whore. Just tell me Shinta, just how many men have you let fuck you? I wonder what everyone would, 'specially little Jo-chan. Bet she wouldn't have been so quick to want to be with you. Everybody's little golden boy. I bet you didn't even tell Hiko, did you Shinta?" Sanosuke smirked once more, squeezing his hand a little more tightly around Kenshin's slender neck. " You know, maybe I should just tell everybody Kenshin. What do you…"

Sanosuke wasn't entirely sure just when Kenshin's eyes had turned that pretty shade of yellow, or when he'd learned to move so fast. All Sanosuke knew was that somehow he had ended up flat on his back on the bed with Kenshin straddling his waist. All thoughts, as well as rage, flew from Sanosuke's mind as he looked up at Kenshin. Or at least the person he thought used to be Kenshin, for never in his life had he seen Kenshin enraged like this.

" Ba-tto-sai?" Sanosuke breathed out, taking note of the letter opener pressed against his Adam's apple. While all the while trying to figure out how Kenshin, no Battosai had gotten a hold of it.

The small red-head panted as he pressed the letter opener harder against Sanosuke's throat, wanting to make the man feel pain. He smiled cruelly as a small trickle of blood begin to flow from the wound on Sanosuke's throat. A small part of him was screaming for him to stop, but he ignored it. Kenshin and Shinta were too weak to do anything but allow themselves to be hurt, but not him, never him.

" Who the fuck do you think you are?" Kenshin/Battosai snarled, pressing the tip of the letter opener further into the wound.

Sanosuke cursed, trying to keep his body from bucking, which would make him impale himself against the letter opener. He should have known not to let himself be dragged down too far into his anger. Sanosuke wanted to slap himself at the moment, knowing just why Kenshin's more violent alter-ego had been triggered. And to know that Kenshin had been so scared that he had to rely on the alter-ego filled him with a pain that felt greater than the pain from the wound in his neck.

" I'm sorry Kenshin, I didn't mean those things I said. Please come back? I want to talk to you Kenshin" Sanosuke pleaded, hoping that he trigger Kenshin to re-gain control.

Battosai remained unmoved, staring down at the man beneath him with cold, unforgiving eyes. That was the problem with Kenshin and Shinta, Battosai thought to himself, both were too soft, too forgiving. If it hadn't been for Kenshin's love for this man here, and the other one who was always hurting him, he would have killed them both a long time ago. Growing attached to someone only made it more easier for them to hurt you. It was a lesson that he had learned many years ago.

Shinta and Kenshin had never learned that lesson, always too afraid of ending up alone. Even if they had to endure pain and torment, they would do so simply because they didn't want to be alone. He had learned a while ago that unless Kenshin had another's body beside him, he could not sleep, and would have nightmares if he tried. Shinta was the same way, although Shinta had decided to prostitute himself to keep from feeling that loneliness.

It was because of their inability to hurt, that he had been born. He was Battosai, their protector. The one who killed for them. The one who made it so that they would never be sad. His blood lust was insatiable, his soul so covered in blood that he could barely see his true self any longer. He was a man-slayer. Yet he kept the memories of his kills far away in a place that neither Shinta, nor Kenshin could touch. Despite his hatred, he wanted neither Shinta nor Kenshin to become tainted by blood as he was.

" Are you pleading for you life? How pathetic" Battosai said, disgust clearly in his tone.

At least that other man never apologized, never seemed to feel guilt for whatever pain he had inflicted, one of the few reasons why Battosai tolerated the man.

Sanosuke could tell that he was in trouble, knowing very much about Battosai. He could remember Kenshin telling him of times when he would black out, only to wake up somewhere, not knowing how he got there. Sanosuke had met Battosai before, when Kenshin had showed up at his house in the middle of the night, clothes covered in blood. His first reaction had been that of pure shock, and then fear when Kenshin had turned to him smiling insanely before he attacked him. It had ended with Sanosuke having a broken arm, and Kenshin sporting a few new bruises over the bruises he already had.

" Let me speak to Kenshin, Battosai" Sanosuke demanded, trying to swallow back his fear as he looked at the letter opener Battosai was playing with.

Battosai smiled, bringing the bloody letter opener to his lips, sucking the blood from it. The blood taste sweet, not coppery at all unlike most blood, like syrup. He wanted more. Bending down, Battosai began to lap at the blood on Sanosuke's neck, pressing his tongue against the wound in hopes of forcing more blood.

He's fucking crazy, Sanosuke thought as he watched Battosai's behavior. He also thought his own self crazy for allowing it. Not that there was anything he could do, for if he angered the smaller, more dangerous man, he would end up with more than just a little cut. So he figured that he would just have to coax Kenshin out before things turned ugly.

" Hey, let me speak to Kenshin okay? Just for a minute, I want to apologize. To him, and Shinta too" Sanosuke said softly, trying to keep his mind off the fact that Battosai was wiggling against, and that it was starting to cause a reaction in his lower regions.

Battosai chuckled darkly, feeling a hard lump beginning to form in Sanosuke's pants, grinding himself hard against the lump. He hadn't ever tried having sex in this body, and wondered briefly just how it would feel. Bending down, he placed his lips to Sanosuke's ear, licking the outer lobe.

" I don't think Kenshin wants to speak to you right now. Neither does Shinta. You hurt their feelings. That's why I had to come out" Battosai whispered, sitting back, crossing his arms. " If you want to talk, you'll talk to me."

Biting his lip to keep from crying out as Battosai grinded against the quickly forming lump in his pants. Sanosuke tried his best to stop the desire that was flowing through him. For some reason, the more the tried to quench the desire, the stronger it became. Battosai wasn't helping either, rubbing his body against Sanosuke's. For some reason, Sanosuke knew that this had to be a test of some kind, and he also realized with dread, that he was failing.

" You want to fuck Kenshin, don't you?" Battosai asked, a teasing smirk on his face, already knowing the answer.

A few more thrust against Sanosuke's boxer-enclosed erection had the answer that Battosai knew he'd get. It wasn't like he didn't already know that Sanosuke would say yes, there wasn't a man he'd met yet that didn't want to fuck Kenshin. Well, except for Hiko, although Battosai believed that the muscular sake-drinking man didn't care for anything male or female. In fact, he figured that the only person that Hiko would even think worthy enough to have sex with, would be himself.

" Fuck, stop teasing me Battosai. Just let me speak to Kenshin!" Sanosuke rasped out, his voice husky with lust.

Battosai just laughed, beginning to moan loudly. Even though Sanosuke knew the moans were faked, he couldn't help but grow harder. Hearing Kenshin's voice moaning, seeing Kenshin's face flushed with desire, it was too much. It was like a dream or something, too good to believe. He couldn't help but lay back mindlessly as Battosai begin to once again remove the nightshirt that Sanosuke couldn't remember him ever having put back on. Watching him throw it carelessly to the floor. Sitting upon Sanosuke's thighs, deliciously nude, Battosai begin to once grind himself against Sanosuke. Once again he bent down to Sanosuke's ear, making sure to make his voice light and gentle like Kenshin's.

" Please. Please make love to me Sano, de gozaru" Battosai, using Kenshin's voice, whispered.

It only took mere moments for Sanosuke to remove his boxers. Only a few minutes more to find a bottle of lotion that had been left on the floor, wet his fingers with lotion, and begin to prepare Kenshin. Even though he knew it was Battosai in control, his desire-fuddled mind made him see Kenshin. This was his Kenshin writhing in desire on his fingers. His Kenshin crying out as he plunged into the silk-like heat of his lover's entrance. Never once did he stop to think if this was what Kenshin wanted, allowing his mind to become blank of such things.

" Yahhh!. . . Sano. . . Sano, stop. . . Please" Kenshin, now once again in control, cried out.

The preparations hadn't been enough, Sanosuke too filled with desires and years of pent-up lust making him not care to use more than one finger, and so the penetration still hurt. Just barely hearing Kenshin's pained moans, Sanosuke tried to hush him with simple words of endearment. The word 'stop' didn't once register in his mind. Besides, why should Kenshin want to stop, seeing as how he was the one that had started the whole thing? Not caring for an answer, and punching his rational side into submission, Sanosuke continued to plunge upwards into the smaller man. The tears that fell down those slender cheeks, wetting his chest were only noted as tears of pleasure, not the tears of pain that they were.

Kenshin tried to make Sanosuke stop, pushing against his chest, and murmuring over and over again the same word. Stop. Why wouldn't Sanosuke stop? Why was Sanosuke doing this to him in the first place, when Sanosuke knew he wanted to stay faithful to Saitou? He couldn't remember just how he had ended up on the bed, only remembering that Sanosuke had been slamming him against the wall before had blacked out.

: How stupid are you? He's raping you:

Knowing exactly who the voice belonged too, Kenshin shook his head fiercely, not wanting to believe it. It wasn't true! It just wasn't true! Sanosuke had promised that he would never hurt him. But all the proof he would ever need was right here, as Sanosuke's hands gripped him so tightly that he knew there would be bruises. Hadn't he been in this position just hours ago. Yet, it had been Saitou above him, taking him once again without asking.

NO! NO! Kenshin's mind was screaming at him, Sanosuke wasn't anything like Saitou. Sanosuke would never hurt him, would never anything asking. Though, maybe he was still angry. Kenshin knew just how strange people could act when angry. Kenshin had given Sanosuke more than enough reason to be angry with him. Kenshin went still, tears blurring his vision, his mouth refusing to say anything else. If Sanosuke truly was angry at him, then his protesting would only make Sanosuke angrier, and Kami-only-knows-what Sanosuke might do if he was really angry.

It wasn't very long until Sanosuke climaxed inside him, gripping Kenshin's hips tightly as he yelled out the smaller man's name. A great sated feeling flowed through his body, and even though he had just climaxed, he wanted more. He could see now why everyone was so entranced with the small purple-eyed red head. Being inside Kenshin's body was something akin to heaven, and like powerful aphrodisiac, left him wanting for more.

" Ne, Kenshin. . ." Sanosuke froze as he looked up at Kenshin.

The smaller man's eyes were squeezed shut tightly, yet tears still managed to flow down his face. Kenshin had wrapped his arms tightly around himself, his body rocking back and forth. It was then that Sanosuke noticed that Kenshin hadn't even released, his manhood still flaccid as if he had never been erect at all. Kenshin was whispering something over and over to himself in a small soft voice, that Sanosuke just barely heard.

" Please don't hurt me. Pleasedon'thurtmepleasedon'thurtmepleasedon'thurtme" the chanting got faster and faster as Kenshin rocked.

And with a sinking feeling, realized that he had just failed.

" Oh god, Kenshin I'm sorry" Sanosuke whispered, his mouth suddenly going dry.

Kenshin seemed not to hear, continuing to rock back and forth. Placing his thumb in his mouth, he begin to suck on it, like he used to do when he had been a child and would get scared. He wanted to get up and leave, but was afraid that if he moved, Sanosuke would hit him. Sanosuke was always hitting him, or was that Saitou that was always hitting him? He couldn't really remember. It all begin to feel the same. The same pain down there, the same trapped feeling.

" Oh shit, Kenshin, baby, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry" Sanosuke pleaded, watching as Kenshin begin to hyperventilate..

When Sanosuke touched Kenshin's slim shoulder, Kenshin began to shake violently, before throwing himself into Sanosuke's eyes.

" Gomen nasai! Gomen nasai! I. . . I won't be bad again. I'm sorry" Kenshin cried out, burying his face against Sanosuke's neck.

The pain in Sanosuke's heart doubled at hearing Kenshin's cries, noting the word 'sessha1' instead of the normal boku. Sanosuke nearly cried as he realized that his foolish and selfish actions had triggered yet another alter-ego, or he might have, he wasn't sure. Shinta wasn't normally this emotional, neither was Kenshin.

" Please don't cry. Kenshin. Shinta. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" Sanosuke uttered, holding the smaller man and rocking him.

He knew that words were useless at a time like this. He could just hear the Battosai cackling in the back of his head, could hear the cold deep voice whispering, " You fucked up, now he'll never be yours'.

And he couldn't help but know Battosai was telling the truth. He had fucked up, and in the worst way.

Author's Notes: Okay, I know I'm supposed to be working on Little Kisses, but this plot bunny jumped into my head, and my muses went on strike demanding that I write this. But to all you who reviewed for Little Kisses, don't worry, a new chapter shall be up before the end of the month. Also, this is a promoting, since were are all yaoi fans here I thought I should share this. I just made a yaoi yahoo group, http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ATAY/ It's under my yahoo username Kuroiu2003, and I'll also be posting all my stories up there, including some that I haven't put up here yet. So please *gets on knees and goes all puppy-dog eyed* please come and check us out, or leave in your review (*holds up sign* please review) that you'd like to check it out, and I'll send you an invite. Or you can always just e-mail me. Bye *waves, and promises that never again shall an Author's note be this long*)