Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Sano Diaries ❯ Chapter 17

Chapter 17 - A Bond is Formed

When Kenshin collected himself the group made their way out of the cave in silence with Akiyama in their custody. No one had the energy to mentally or verbally process the events of the day. Sure they would have to talk about what happened, just not now. Everyone was physically and emotionally drained. Is it possible that this was all just a bad dream? Two of the group knew the reality of the situation all too well.

When they made it back to the inn the group immediately fell asleep. Well, everyone except Kenshin, who insisted on waiting with Akiyama until the police came to take him away. Kenshin's gaze was more than enough to keep Akiyama quiet. There was so much that Kenshin wanted to, yet dare not ask this man. Not tonight. Emotions were still high and Kenshin could feel the adrenalin running through his veins. Just looking at Akiyama made Kenshin's blood boil. Too much had gone on to even begin to process.

Kenshin didn't want to think about the day's events but he couldn't help himself. [What happened to me today? How did I end up attacking Sano and not even care?] The day's events played over and over again in Kenshin's mind like an old record. Kenshin could see himself following Akiyama into a dark room. [Akiyama didn't stand a chance against me. I had him beat!] Then, in Kenshin's mind, everything slowed down. Akiyama was up against a wall, his left arm stretched out and pushed a button… a button that sent Kenshin into his personal hell. [What was that noise?! It paralyzed me. I had to hold my head to keep it from splitting apart. I was forced to my knees…] Then Akiyama's words echoed in Kenshin's mind ["You will obey me. Tell me I am your master!" It was physically impossible to respond, even if I wanted to! Then came the whip…] Kenshin touched his back where most of the blood had dried. He grimaced at pain he had reawakened. [By the fourth time I wanted to respond. I wanted to say anything to make him stop… do anything to make him stop. I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. I was coming apart. I could feel it. The Battousai wanted out. HE wanted to kill this man and anyone who stood in HIS way. I didn't have the strength to stop HIM… I didn't want to stop HIM. I wanted out. I couldn't take it anymore. I was slipping and HE took over.] The verbal abuse and the beating went on and on. [I didn't even notice that Kaoru and Yahiko had entered the room. All I remember is that the noise suddenly stopped and I, rather HE, could move again. HE didn't waist any time. The Battousai grabbed his sword and struck Akiyama in the chest. HE was relentless. Over and over again, the attacks kept coming. It was as if I was watching myself from outside of my body. I screamed in my head for HIM to stop, but HE didn't. HE wouldn't. Then I heard it… Kaoru's scream. It struck me like a knife in the heart. I screamed right along with her. I pleaded for HIM to stop. HE paused for a second… no more. HE wanted blood, Akiyama's blood, and HE wouldn't stop until HE got it.] Kenshin cringed, thinking of Kaoru, of how much he hurt her, of how helpless he was to stop. [Then Sano came in and stood right in front of Akiyama! In my mind I begged him to move. I yelled at him to move! I knew that HE didn't care who HE killed. The words actually came out this time, I was grateful... But Sano didn't move.] In his mind Kenshin replayed the scene where he attacked Sano. [Sano's gotten better… he countered that first attack, but I got him with the second one didn't I?] A look of painful bemusement came over Kenshin's face. [I don't know how he did it, but he got me in the end. Come to think of it, he saved Sakura and me in the same day… He's changed a lot since the first day we met. He's really grown up… I owe that guy my life.] Kenshin's mind turns to the end of the battle. [When Sano hit me the Battousai backed off. I was finally able to reclaim control of my body. Then I saw Kaoru… her whole body was shaking… she saw the whole thing. Kaoru… how could I have hurt you so much? My mind just went on overload. I couldn't apologize, I couldn't explain. I don't want to hurt her anymore.]

Kenshin looked up at Akiyama and he shrunk back in his seat. Kenshin just wanted this guy out of his sight.

The police chief finally came and Kenshin gave him the abridged version of the group's first encounter with Akiyama along with what took place only a few hours ago. The police chief left with Akiyama in custody. As much as Kenshin wanted to sleep, it was apparent to him that he had some more thinking to do. Kenshin left the inn.

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Sakura woke up in a cold sweat. She had had a terrible nightmare. In her dream she was once again fighting Sano under Akiyama's command. Only this time, she had killed him. Sano's body went limp in a matter of seconds. Internally she was weeping while the external Sakura wore a sinister smile. The Sakura in her dreams was unstoppable. She glanced over to where Sanosuke was snoring heavily. She was extremely relieved to see that indeed, it had just been a very bad dream. However she couldn't shake the feeling of helplessness that accompanied the dream. When she got out of bed Sakura realized that she was still wearing the black garb that Akiyama had given her to wear. It made her sick. She quickly changed into her martial arts uniform. She didn't care that it was torn and stained with blood. Anything was better that. Sakura kicked the discarded clothes into the corner of the room and quietly made her way outside. [A run will help me clear my mind. I can get some new clothes tomorrow.]

Sakura's mind immediately turned to the days events. [What happened to me? What was that strange sound that Akiyama used on me? How could a simple noise completely cripple someone?] She could hear Akiyama's voice, it haunted her like a ghost. ["Pledge your allegiance to me! You will address me as master!"] A shudder ran through Sakura's body. She was unaware of this as she kept running, and kept thinking. [At first I was able to protest, but then, the sound kept getting louder… With any form of defiance or non-response the sound just got louder and louder. I couldn't move. I could barely think. I thought my head was going to explode… I thought I was going to go crazy. Akiyama's laughter in the background didn't help matters. I feel like that sound will be burned into my psyche forever…] Another shudder went unnoticed as Sakura continued to run. [How long did it take? It seemed like an eternity… It seemed like no time at all. I remember my body rising. The noise was still there but it wasn't as terrible anymore. It was like I was a passenger on a train. I was a passenger in my body. I could watch the scenery, but I couldn't stop the train. Then I spoke. I couldn't believe the words coming out of my mouth! I was horrified! My body pledged its allegiance to Akiyama while I internally protested. I yelled at myself to stop but nothing seemed to work. Why? Why couldn't I stop myself?] Sakura continued to try and make sense of the situation. [Then Akiyama brought me that squirrel and had me kill it. *crack* "Easy. What's next?"] A chill ran up Sakura's spine. She didn't want to think about the rest of it, but it was like trying not to look at a train wreck. It was impossible. [Heck, I probably would have stood on my head if he asked me to, its not like I could help myself.] A sarcastic sneer took over Sakura's face. [Then came the command I had dreaded… "Kill the one who wears the wicked symbol on his back." NO! NEVER! I had screamed in my mind, but to no avail. The words that came out of my mouth made me ill… "Yes master." I wanted to die. At that moment I wanted to die. But how do you kill yourself when you have no control over your body?] It was an awful kind of irony that Sakura would just assume live without.

Still lost in her thoughts she bumped into something on the beach. Rubbing her head she looks across from her. With an equally dazed expression sits Kenshin. He must have a lot on his mind too. [That's right… Akiyama was trying to control him too…]

Sakura: Kenshin. I guess I'm not the only one who couldn't sleep huh?

Kenshin smiled his shy smile.

Kenshin: Actually, I haven't even tried yet.

Sakura looks at him with wide eyes for a moment. Then she smiles.

Sakura: Well… I guess that's better than dealing with the nightmare I had…

Kenshin: Sakura…

Sakura: Forget it. (talking about her dream was the last thing she wanted to do) What are you doing out here?

Kenshin: My guess is the same thing you are.

Sakura was quiet for a while. Then she spoke.

Sakura: Kenshin…? Do you think anyone can ever understand?

Kenshin looks at her with great interest.

Sakura: I mean… Do you know what its like to be a prisoner in your own body… to be trapped within your own soul. Can anyone every really know how that feels, how maddening that can be?!

Kenshin realizes for the first time that Sakura's ordeal gave her incredible insight into something that he thought he was alone in. Kenshin experiences simultaneous feelings of elation and anguish. He is thrilled to have someone who knows what he is going through, yet he is saddened by the pain Sakura will carry around with her for the rest of her life. A pain Kenshin knows all to well.

Kenshin: Sakura, I too know what it is like to feel trapped in your own body. To have no control over what you do. But not just because of today. I have felt that way for some time.

Sakura looks at him surprised. Kenshin continues his story, it feels good to get it off his chest. To talk to someone who knows what he is going through. To someone who has been there. Kenshin tells the story of his other side and how in extreme circumstances, the Battousai becomes uncontrollable. It is obvious that this resonates with Sakura and he keeps talking. It's always been hard for Kenshin to open up, but he never met anyone who could understand him on the same level. Once he started he couldn't stop. Tonight Kenshin needed to talk. He has been alone with his thoughts for far to long. Sakura is an excellent listener. The pain Kenshin has gone through is a hundred times worse than what she went through tonight. Sakura's heart goes out to him.

Sakura: That must be so awful for you… I can't imagine going through that again. Kenshin, what does it take… what does it take to get out of it?

Kenshin: (unsure of what she means) What do you…?

Sakura: I mean… why can't we bring ourselves out of it…? Why are we trapped…?

Kenshin has often asked himself this same question and did not have an answer.

Sakura: (almost to her self) Why do we hurt the ones we love…?

Kenshin is momentarily speechless. [How did she know I was thinking the same thing? Why does it always work out that way?]

Sakura: I saw the hurt in your eyes when you looked at Kaoru after the fight with Akiyama… I know it practically killed you to see her in so much pain.

Kenshin couldn't respond. Sakura continued.

Sakura: At least you didn't physically attack her… At least your body wasn't trying to kill her…

Kenshin had a pained look on his face. He grabbed at his chest. Sakura went over to him and put her hand on his shoulder. [She doesn't know… I didn't tell her about Tomoe…] Kenshin tried to speak, but the words wouldn't come out.

Sakura: Kenshin…

Kenshin took a deep breath. Some of the pain in his chest subsided. [I might as well tell her, I've told her so much already.] With another deep breath Kenshin began to speak.

Kenshin: When I was very young, before I met Kaoru, when I was still the Battousai… I was put in a situation… I was determined to kill this guy… nothing was going to stop me. When I moved in for the kill… my wife at the time… Tomoe… she stood in front of the guy. I didn't know until it was too late… it was too late… she died by my hand.

Sakura's heart bled for him. She could only imagine the pain, the anguish he went through. Luckily, she could only imagine. It wasn't difficult. Especially after the nightmare she had had. Sakura embraced Kenshin and he rested his head on her shoulder. It has been a long time since he had shed any tears, but he shed them now. Sakura held him. She knows what it is like to attack the one you love, but she was lucky… Sano was still alive. Sano had saved her. She held Kenshin and helped him to contain his torment. When Kenshin was able to collect himself they continued to talk. Sakura could sense that there was more that he was not saying, so she confronted him.

Sakura: Kenshin, I sense that there is a lot of pain in you that got reawakened today. It must be especially agonizing knowing that you hurt Kaoru… You wouldn't be thinking about leaving would you…? Huh, wanderer?

Kenshin's eyes widened with disbelief. [How did she know…?]

Kenshin: How… how did you…?

Sakura: It was just a hunch… I was thinking the same thing myself. Just keep running; never look back.

Sakura lay on the beach and looked up at the stars. Kenshin was completely shocked. [How can she be thinking the same thing…?] Sakura let out a heavy sigh before continuing.

Sakura: I don't think anything is going to be the same for any of us after this. I don't know how I am going to face Sano tomorrow. I don't know if I can handle dreaming about this for the rest of my life… hearing Akiyama laughing in the background… But I can't run from it. It's left a scar on me, but I am going to deal with it. I am going to face Sano and own up to what happened. I know that you don't want to hurt Kaoru anymore, but I also know that you won't be happy on your own. And if you leave it will only hurt her more. She needs you Kenshin. Besides… some things are worth fighting for…

Kenshin and Sakura talked until dawn. They were alike in a lot of ways. They both needed someone to confide in. Their heavy hearts needed some weight taken off and they were able to provided that for one another. Kenshin walked back with Sakura to the inn and had his wounds taken care of. In a way, you can say that they saved each other that night.