Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Scratching the Itch ❯ Chapter 5 ( Chapter 5 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin

 

 

It was a perfectly ordinary summer day. Cicadas whirred lazily in the hot afternoon, their song heavy and restless. Little eddies of dust danced along dusty footpaths, stirred by a barely useful wind. The thick air was enhanced by a haze of clouds that threatened rain without relief.

 

Kaoru trod lightly along the path home, a mixture of anticipation and worry churning inside. The hakama she wore was damp with sweat, her beaded skin cooling only slightly despite her fairly open gi. She was thankful that the close sleeves only reached her forearm. What she wouldn't give to be able to drop her top around her waist like the boys she taught. Her dojo bag and shinai were slung over one shoulder, a large paper-wrapped package cradled carefully in her arms.

 

It had taken her four visits over the course of seven days to get up the courage to buy the kimono. Every time her fingers rasped a little at the fabric, she would draw back and sigh, feeling too rough for the finery. Today when she went into the shop, feeling particularly out of place in her dojo gear, her heart lurched when it was conspicuously absent from the display.

 

Another lost opportunity.

 

Almost in tears, Kaoru jumped when the saleswoman from the previous week placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

 

“It's behind the counter. I saved it for you.”

 

She resisted the urge to hug the matronly woman, and to kick herself for being so stupid.

 

It had survived unscathed during her afternoon in the local dojo. Every now and then when students were practicing drills, her eyes wandered to the inconspicuous wrapping, thinking about his reaction to the stunning garment. His reaction to her in it.

 

Now that her class was over, and home was nearing, her stomach fluttered like it was filled with moths.

 

Kaoru had thought a lot since that day at the river. The heady longing for Saito was deeper than she imagined, and it seemed he wanted more as well. What, exactly, she wasn't sure. She hadn't seen him since then, which led her to believe he was waiting for her next move. Not that she really knew where to find him.

 

She still wasn't sure she could walk away from Kenshin. She'd loved him for so long, it wasn't an easy matter to leave what her heart had desired.

 

But she was tired of the excuses, the mediocrity, and the changed but not changed nature of their relationship. He had to come half-way and recognize what she needed, not what he felt obligated to provide. He had to let her in.

 

Kaoru opened the gates a bit awkwardly and closed them behind her. She dropped her bag and shinai by the dojo door and walked towards the furo.

 

“Tadaima.”

 

Kenshin emerged from the kitchen, drying his hands on a towel tucked into his waist.

 

“Okaerinasai.”

 

She smiled a little at him, inhaling the delicious aromas wafting through the doorway. There was no doubt that she loved his cooking.

 

“The bath is ready for you.”

 

“Thank you, it was hot in the dojo today.”

 

“Dinner will be ready when you are done.”

 

Kaoru hummed, looking at him for a moment before retreating to the furo. After laying her precious package down on the bench where it would remain dry, she disrobed, mind still churning.

 

The peaceful domesticity was . . . comfortable. There was no doubt that after all the time she had spent alone, the way Kenshin took on the upkeep of the household filled a hole in her heart. She longed for that kind of stability. It was only in the last month that her frustration with his continued disengagement outweighed the comfort.

 

There was also no doubt that Saito's seemingly genuine interest made her contemplations less desperate. However unhappy she was, she wasn't sure if she could face being alone again. She had mixed feelings about that fact, but couldn't deny it. Tae's admonition to be honest with herself had helped Kaoru accept some of the feelings she was less proud of.

 

Tae's other advice, to be happy, is what shored up her confidence as she gingerly unwrapped the kimono. It looked remarkably normal in the dim light of the furo, with glints of afternoon sun picking up the delicate sheen of the fabric. Somehow, that made it more approachable.

 

Kaoru gave a little sigh as she eased the wonderfully light amber fabric onto her body. Even in the humidity of the furo, the kimono was comfortable. The light blue obi tied easily, knot sliding smoothly behind her and resting securely at her back. A dark blue obijime completed the look.

 

Anticipation curled within her as she tied up her slightly damp hair with Tae's thoughtful gift. The soft silk brushed against the back of her neck, giving her a little shiver. She checked herself over to make sure everything was in place.

 

This was his chance to notice her.

 

She made her way down the engawa towards the kitchen, enjoying the light softness of the kimono as it moved around her. The late afternoon light brought out the golden tones of the fabric, heightening the contrast with the blues. It made her feel attractive, almost princess-like. She took a deep breath as she neared the door. Gathering her resolve, she stepped into the doorway.

 

Kenshin turned a little from the counter when she entered.

 

“Ah, good timing. The food is almost ready.”

 

He turned back to finish what he was doing. Kaoru moved toward the low dining table, but did not yet sit down. He would get the full effect if she was standing.

 

He picked up the two trays laden with their simple meal and turned to face her. Always efficient, he gracefully moved towards the table and knelt, arranging both trays. He looked up at her, eyes tracing up to hers, and Kaoru held her breath.

 

He gave her his rurouni smile.

 

“Come eat.”

 

Kaoru woodenly complied as her heart cried in her chest. Was he really that dense? Or did he really not like it? Perhaps she could get him to look at her again, really see her.

 

She made a show of smoothing down the fold in her lap and holding back the trailing kimono sleeve as she picked up her chopsticks and began eating. His eyes flickered along her movements as they always did, an unconscious habit she assumed he'd picked up during the Bakumatsu. Still, he said nothing.

 

“Kenshin,” she said, working to make her voice low and pleasing, “did you get this fish in the market today?”

 

“Yes, I did. The usual vendor was mobbed, so I found a new place that had a more unusual selection.”

 

“I was in the market today too,” she replied, trying to lead him.

 

He looked at her with a slight question, then the smile returned.

 

“It must have been before it got busy. You left quite early this morning.”

 

“I had something to purchase,” she said, fingering the neckline of the kimono.

 

His eyes briefly followed hers before returning to his food.

 

“I see.”

 

A weight settled around Kaoru's shoulders. The silence stretched between them. She no longer tasted the food she ate, resignation and disappointment saturating her senses.

 

Softly, she placed the chopsticks down on their rest. She looked up at him.

 

“Why are you with me?”

 

His eyes showed surprise only for a second before schooling themselves into kind neutrality. A quiet moment passed.

 

“Because you deserve to be loved.”

 

Kaoru swallowed around the lump in her throat, holding on to his gaze.

 

“Do you love me?”

 

“Of course.” His response was automatic.

 

“Are you in love with me?”

 

Silence. She could see the gnawing restlessness in his eyes, something she had not seen since they first met. He looked away.

 

“You deserve better.”

 

The weight on her shoulders pressed down on her.

 

“Apparently so.”

 

She stood and moved towards the doorway.

 

“I can't do this anymore.”

 

Without looking back, she left.

 

…………………..

 

Restless feet had taken her out of the dojo, into the warm evening. The heaviness in the air matched perfectly with the weight on her heart. She wandered aimlessly for a little while, putting distance between them.

 

She found herself by the river, watching couples and families walk close together in the sunset ringed by storm clouds. She sat on a dry patch of the bank, staring out without seeing.

 

It was over.

 

Tears came, unwanted and unbidden. They streamed down her cheeks, running down her neck to dampen her collar. She felt like something had been ripped from her insides, leaving her raw and wounded.

 

She'd tried, really tried, to have a relationship. She tried to settle for what she thought she wanted. Even though he cared for her, it hurt so badly that he was really not in love with her. All that she'd hoped for with him, never to be. The old and new insecurities whispered through her mind. If only. . .

 

Kaoru felt very alone.

 

After the tears had passed and dried, she felt a little lighter. A striking couple passed very close by, the tall man dressed in a western-style suit, the petite woman laughing lowly at his whispered words. Kaoru was suddenly transported to last week at the river and the heady emotions Saito had evoked.

 

She needed to find him.

 

Kaoru stood, determination touched with desperation filling her.

 

She was halfway towards the police station when her gait slowed. What if he wasn't there? Or on assignment again? She had no idea where to find him. He'd always found her.

 

She wracked her brain as she continued, following the only lead she had. Most of their conversation lately hadn't revolved around the everyday. She could relay anything about his fighting style and what turned him on, but couldn't tell you what he ate or where he frequented.

 

Her pace slowed further as she considered her actions. Wasn't it wrong to leave one man to be with another? Was the desire to not be alone driving her?

 

The memory of Saito's wanting gaze and tender kiss brought an answering ache inside.

 

Maybe she did love him. Maybe he loved her.

 

She had to find out for sure.

 

…………………

 

Fujita Goro was not at the police station. After some quiet pleading with the desk sergeant, the young officer who had escorted her to the station several months ago took pity on her and directed her to Fujita's neighborhood.

 

It wasn't a bad part of Tokyo, but the gathering clouds and darkness put her on edge. Kaoru only had a vague idea of where she was going, and prayed that he kept a name board on his house. It wouldn't surprise her if he didn't.

 

She jumped a little at the quiet noises in the neighborhood. She just hated to be somewhere unfamiliar, but returning home was not yet an option. She wandered through the area, eyes seeking his characters.

 

She was about to give up when a small soba stand at the edge of the neighborhood caught her eye. The vendor, a nice old man, directed her towards a nondescript house at the end of a secluded street. Her heart raced as she bowed in thanks.

 

Anxious feet tread swiftly down to where she'd been directed. There was no name board, but it felt right. She could almost smell his tobacco-laced scent in the air. Hands shaking with anticipation, she knocked.

 

And knocked again.

 

And again.

 

Kaoru rested her head against the wooden doors, disappointment swelling. A few drops of rain plopped on the narrow overhang.

 

“Dammit,” she said softly, one hand clenched against the wood.

 

The drops increased, gradually swelling to a steady rain. The rich smell of earth and wood wafted up from where the rain hit. The faint smell of his tobacco increased as well.

 

She turned away from the door reluctantly, resigned to trudging home in the rain, possibly ruining her new kimono. Her eyes swept up the path she would have to take, wondering if she should wait it out here a little longer.

 

A tall figure appeared at the end of the narrow street, hat pulled low over a bent head. Kaoru held her breath, pressing back against the doors to stay in the shadows. As he got closer, she saw the telltale glow from a lit cigarette in his mouth. She did not move, afraid to break the spell.

 

A few yards away, the figure paused. He looked up, and Kaoru sighed in relief when Saito's angular features appeared, eyes hidden by the brim of his hat. His smooth gait brought him swiftly in front of her. He regarded her with a wolf-like gaze, appraising and devouring all at once.

 

Wordlessly, he opened the door and held it for her to enter. She complied, removing her damp geta once inside. She followed him into the large great room, blinking a little when he lit a lamp.

 

The room was sparse and clean, very utilitarian. A double shoji leading further into the house faced her, with a hallway starting to the left. He opened the double shoji while she stood and watched, a rolled-out futon and closet appearing as he lit another lamp.

 

He removed his hat, raking a hand through the damp strands. His jacket followed soon after, hung carefully on a clothes rack to dry. Kaoru's mouth dried at the appealing sight he made, slightly damp black undershirt clinging to lean muscles, his dark pants tailored so well to his long legs.

 

Saito turned to her, almost smirking at her scrutiny. His eyes swept over her like a caress as he approached her still form. Long fingers caressed her cheek as he drank her in, his touch drifting down to her shoulder.

 

“This is new?” he said, caressing the amber silk.

 

She nodded, caught in the spell of his gaze.

 

He lowered his face towards her lips, her body warming in response.

 

“It suits you.”

 

She closed the distance between them, lips touching tenderly as her small hands came to rest on his shoulders. He responded in kind, giving her another emotion-laden kiss like at the river. Her knees weakened at the depth of longing he expressed, and moaned softly when a strong arm wrapped around her waist to pull her close to him. After several aching moments they pulled away, both breathing heavily.

 

Kaoru searched his gaze, finding the wanting hunger and deep longing she felt in his kiss. She tried to collect her scattered thoughts, needing to hear what his eyes expressed and lay her fears to rest. A moment passed before her voice would work.

 

“I can't cook.”

 

“I don't care.”

 

“I teach kenjitsu.”

 

“You can defend yourself.”

 

She looked away a little.

 

“I'm not . . . feminine.”

 

He took her chin and returned her eyes to his.

“You are beautiful.”

 

Kaoru's breath caught in her throat, eyes watering at his words.

 

“What do you want from me?”

 

“Everything.”

 

“What do I get in return?”

 

“The same.”

 

Her voice lowered.

 

“You like the chase. What happens when you've caught me?”

 

He moved his head to her ear to whisper.

 

“You're too stubborn to be completely snared. I'll be chasing you for a very long time.”

 

The last tendril of doubt flared as she clutched his shoulders. His voice, darker, moved quietly over her ears again.

 

“I'm not a replacement for him.”

 

She blinked, pulling back to meet his eyes. There was something there, waiting for her to take. She placed her hands on his cheeks.

 

“I never asked you to be.”

 

A rueful smirk made its way across his features.

 

“A stand-in then.”

 

Irritation laced through her. She moved her hands to tangle in his hair, pulling a little at the dark strands.

 

“He's not who I want.” She tugged again at the narrowing in his eyes, voice rising a bit. “I did not make a fool of myself at the station and wander around alone in the dark in the rain on the off-chance I would stumble on the right house to find him.”

 

He was quiet for a moment, large hands moving to span her waist.

 

“You two have a history,” he said finally.

 

“You two do as well.” Kaoru said, matter of fact. “This isn't about him. It's about me and you.”

 

She pulled him down to her lips again, convincing him with light kisses around his mouth until they were both panting with desire.

 

“I. . .think I'm in love with you. . .Hajime.”

 

His name was swallowed as it left her lips by his passionate kiss.