Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Survival of the Spirit ❯ Chapter 13 ( Chapter 13 )

Survival of the Spirit Chapter 13

He had to go to the bathroom. Expecting resistance from the restraints he knew must be holding him he didn't move to get out of the bed all at once. Instead he moved one leg to see how much slack was being allowed. When the leg swung freely he sat up, looking around expecting to see guards or at least some sign that he was being watched. Seeing no one he got up and ran to the commode where he seemed to have enough body waste for several people, having to flush several times while he sat.

Finished he cleaned himself, washed his hands and walked over to the window in the room looking out at the grounds. They were beautiful he thought to himself. If you adjusted your eyes a certain way you didn't see the chicken wire embedded in the glass of the window and right now he didn't want to see the chicken wire. He was enjoying the view, losing himself in the tranquility of a traditional Japanese style garden and letting memories come back slowly. There was a small stream designed to follow a winding path to a small waterfall. He loved the sound of the water. It wasn't the ocean, but it was water. His eyes followed the water and he hoped he could figure out why there was a black hole in his memories of yesterday. He remembered Kaoru, remembered being happy that she was real. He remembered the boy Yahiko whom they'd pretty much adopted. A smile played at his lips and he felt warmth spread throughout his body as he remembered being happy with Kaoru and taking her out for a fancy meal at a place in Yokohama. He let the memory sit just on the edge of his consciousness not sure if he should trust it because when he thought about yesterday there was a hole and maybe this memory of a meal in Yokohama was a hallucination. A bird alit on the branch of a low hanging tree and he smiled watching it look around for food. Kaoru had been jealous of someone at the restaurant he remembered, a brash girl who was tied to Shinamori. Who the hell was Shinamori? Aoshi? Who…

He closed his eyes and shook his head. Too much he told himself, too much. Kaoru was real. Shinamori probably wasn't. Opening his eyes he saw the bird was gone. And the black hole was still there. Maybe Kaoru was part of the hallucination; no they'd said she was real so he could trust that but what about this boy Yahiko? Why had he adopted Yahiko? He had no need for a kid. He was a killer, his code name was Battousai, and he killed kids for fun and profit. He was unaware of the spasm that shook his body as he looked down at his hands and saw nothing but skin. He was not where he wanted to be, he should be in the small village where he'd been born. His mother and father had loved him and they had died because someone gave him a lollypop.

"No," he said out loud feeling the noise starting in his head. The image of a child reaching for him, a smile on its face jumped into his mind.

"No," he said again even as he watched himself raise his hand that held a knife and murder the smiling infant, dropping his small body to the floor. There was no shock on the child's face, just the smile he'd given him before, during and now after he was dead.

"No."

He pushed the image away. He pushed thoughts of the woman Kaoru and the boy Yahiko away. He pushed all thoughts away and walked towards a door, a strange door from where the noise in his head seemed to be coming from. The noise was good it kept him safe from smiling babies who condemned him with their innocence.  In the room where the noise was coming from he was safe and nothing, and no one could harm him.

The noise had stopped. Kenshin looked around the room, there was no more noise, and maybe just maybe it was safe to come out from the room he was in. Opening the door he stepped into a face, a face he didn't know.

"Hello Kenshin," the face that belonged to a man he didn't know said with a smile. "How do you feel?"

How did he feel? With his hands your asshole he thought to himself. Admiring his wit he smiled and the face smiled back. Had he said the words out loud?

"A joke.Good. You seem to like the garden so I thought we'd go for a walk in it."

Why was this dick head calling him Kenshin? Who was Kenshin? His name was Battousai. It was an odd name but maybe his folks had had a sense of humor. Why would they give their child a name that meant man killer or killer of men or something like that. You never knew with parents.

"Come Kenshin. Let's get you some air."

There were sandals outside the door of his room and he slipped them on while the face waited.

"Who are you?" he asked of the face. "What is your name?"

"I'm Doctor Kada."
"Doctor. Doctor Kada. Why are you named Doctor?"

The face smiled.

"It's my title."

"Title.That makes sense. You call me Kenshin when my name is Battousai."

The face looked surprised.

"Funny name right?"

"It's a title Kenshin. Your name is Kenshin."

"Then who is Battousai? Are you saying I'm crazy Doctor Kada?" Battousai asked unaware of the change in his facial expression and oblivious to the reaction that change caused in Doctor Kada.

The face was looking at him as if he were afraid of something.

"Are we going outside? I made a big shit this morning and I'd like to get some fresh air." Battousai figured he'd change the subject for now and that seemed to relax the face.

"Of course Ken… I mean Battousai. Let's go."

The garden was beautiful. He didn't remember seeing it before but some parts of it looked familiar. Maybe he'd seen the stream in another place before he'd come here to stay awhile. Why had he needed to come here?
Doctor Kadaknew he had to be careful. If the Battousai personality was the one that was dominant the slightest thing would set him off.

"Your friends thought it would be nice, that you would enjoy the relaxation. You've been out in the field a lot."

"Out in the field? I'm a farmer?" Kenshin said wryly. Kada didn't think his comment was funny this time.

"No, no. Working at your job."

"And what is that?"

"You help the government make people understand its policies."

Kenshin glanced at this Kada out of the corner of his eyes.

"Government policies my ass.I kill people. I kill babies."

Doctor Kadadidn't know what to say so they continued on in silence.

"I'm very good at killing people aren't I? Did I kill Kaoru and Yahiko?"

The words were spoken matter of factly with no emotion, no feeling. He could've been talking about his goldfish.

"No, they're alive. They're coming to see you next week."

"Why?"

"They care for you."

Care for him? Who the hell had the guts to care for him?

"I don't want to see them."

"Ken…Battousai, they're very concerned about you."

"Concerned about me? Why?"

"You were going to marry Kaoru."

"Marry? Me? No. I have the name Battousai for a reason and that reason is I kill people. I don't need a wife and kid so stop lying to me about marrying someone. No I don't want to see her or the boy."

He sat down on a bench near the waterfall letting the sound of the water take him away with it downstream, maybe to the ocean. A bullet in the head would be good he thought to himself as he sat there. One shot in his head and it would be over. It didn't hurt and the noise and this Kaoru person would go away forever. That was why he'd come here he realized. He'd come because he couldn't be normal with Kaoru any more. She was in danger from him, from Battousai. Battousai liked being out and about. Battousai liked killing. No, he had to kill Battousai and that meant killing himself, whoever he was. All he knew was that his name was not Kenshin. The other person he sensed inside of him was afraid but he dismissed that person's fears as weakness. What was that person's name? It wasn't Battousai, his parents had given him a weak name, one that had to be changed to one of strength and purpose. It was important that he remember the name of the person hiding in the corner of the room he was in.  He'd remember soon. Once he remembered the name of that guy he'd remember other things. He felt a pin prick on his arm and looked down to see the face giving him a needle.

"What is that?" he asked even as the felt his previous thoughts and feelings slipping away to nothingness.

"Your medicine Kenshin.Don't worry. I'll sit with you. No one will harm you."

Kenshin was surprised to find himself in a garden and looked around wondering if this was a hallucination. He got up and walked right into the water that was flowing in front of him. When he got wet he smiled.  This was real.

"Are you okay Battousai?"

Kenshin looked up sharply. No one called him that.

"Why are you calling me that Doctor Kada?"

"You wanted me to call you that."

"No I don't."

He rubbed his forehead and then touched his head shock registering on his face.

"What the fuck happened to my hair?"

"When you were found you hadn't bathed in some time…"
"Lice."

"Yes."

Kenshin had come out of the water and was staring down at Doctor Kada.

"What happened yesterday?"

Not sure who he was talking to Doctor Kadadecided to tell the man the truth.

"Someone dosed you with a powerful hallucinogenic drug. Why?"

"I can't remember anything. I remember Kaoru, and Yahiko, and then nothing."

"And this morning?"

"The noise was in my head."

"Noise?"

"It's like a scream that never stops."

"Is it there now?"

"Kinda, but it's low. Sometimes it gets really loud."

Kenshin sat down and covered his face with his hands. This had to end. Kaoru would be better off with him dead and the only way to die was to do what they wanted.

"Where is Saitou?" he asked a reeling Doctor Kada.
"Saitou-san is here…"

"Bring him to me."

"Of course.What about Sano?"

"I don't want to see him."

"He won't accept that."

"He has to."

The eyes looking at Doctor Kadawere hard, cold, and golden.

"I want to go back to Tokyotonight."

"I…"

"I can't stay here another minute."

"You have to stay. You're not well yet."

"What do I have to do to prove to you I'm fine? Should I kill someone? Should I kill you?"

Doctor Kadahad to make his patient see that he wasn't well.

"What should I call you? A few minutes ago you told me to call you Battousai, you didn't know who I was, and you told me you were an assassin."

"And you don't think I was as assassin?"

"Tell me what I should call you before I respond."

"Why should I? Depending on what I say you're gonna decide if I need to be locked up or let go."

"You have to continue your regimen until you stabilize."

"Until I stabilize huh?"Kenshin stood up and walked over to where a small stream trilled in its bed.

"I want to leave. I don't want to see anyone except Saitou."

"Not until next week."

Doctor Kadahad pressed the panic button he always kept with him and Kenshin turned at the sound of men approaching.

"What the fuck did you do Doctor?" he said softly, his eyes hard and totally clear.

"You're still unstable Kenshin."

"So I'm Kenshin huh?"

"You go by that name."

The men had come to stand silently at his side. One wielded a hypodermic and Kenshin whirled on him. Too late he realized they'd faked him out as the other attendant administered the drug.

"We'll talk later Kenshin," Doctor Kadasaid. Despite the emergence of the Battousai personality Kenshin had been able to pull himself back together and subsume the Battousai personality at least temporarily after he'd dosed him. He had to learn to live with it, to make peace with it Doctor Kadathought to himself as he followed the attendants to Kenshin's room. Once Kada was out of the garden Saitou smiled grimly. For his purposes the emergence of the Battousai personality was a good sign. It was time to have Kada transferred and let someone else take over, someone who would encourage Battousai to become the dominant personality long enough to take care of Shishio. After that he really didn't care what happened.

Something had happened. Shishio had just come back from a mission and had expected that his superiors would greet him with the usual accolades. It's not that they held a celebration he thought as he watched people scurry to their boss's office and slam the door shut. Normally his boss would call him into the office and hand him an envelope filled with cash, a bonus for a job well done. So far it was as if he'd been away on vacation.  Seeing HigataHatsuewalk by he gave her a smile and she returned it. She had just recently joined the staff and while she was proving to be good at her job she was still being friendly to everyone. She knew Shishio was top dog and showed him a lot of respect.

"I understand your last mission was a success," she said as Shishio came to stand in front of her.

"Is there any other type of mission I run?" he said with a smile while his eyes undressed her. Hatsue didn't seem to mind his actions and kept her eyes fixed on his.

"From what I hear I guess not."

He leaned against the wall shoving his hands in his pockets.

"They don't seem to care," Shishio said nodding his head towards the office where the staff sat huddled behind closed doors.

"What happened?"

"I dunno," Hatsue shrugged.  "It has to be big though. This is the second meeting this morning."

Shishio watched Hatsue walk away and pushed thoughts of what it would be like to bed her away for now. Walking back to his desk he went over everyone he'd seen go into the meeting and wondered where Saitou was. Maybe he was already inside he thought to himself. Or maybe he wasn't in the building at all. Going back to his desk he pretended to surf, keeping his eyes on the conference room door. An hour later the people filed out and Shishio mentally patted himself on the back. Saitou had not been in the meeting. Picking up the phone he called HR and asked to speak with Saitou.

"He's not in," the woman replied, her voice clipped and almost harsh.

"Where is he?"

"He's out. If you'll excuse me my other line is ringing."

"Fuck," Shishio said slamming the phone receiver down. Where the heck was Saitou? He wondered if he should take a chance and hack into the files that would tell him where the bastard was. Sitting back in his chair he took his time and thought about what he could possibly find in his rivals records and travel schedule.

He was still weighing his options when he heard Hatsue call his name.

"Meeting Shishio.Five minutes."

Sano found Hideki in an office and stepped in closing the door behind him. Hideki looked up and gave Sano the once over.

"What do you see Doctor? A punk? A thug  maybe? Someone beneath you right?" Sano asked still standing by the door.

"You say you're beneath me. I never said that," Hideki said managing to keep the sneer off of his face but not out of his tone.

"Of course not.Faggots like you never say things like that to people like me."

"I beg your pardon…"

"You tried to kill Kenshin didn't you?"

"You're insane."

"Am I? I thought about it you know? I know Kado is trying to make him well. He seems to get worse when Kado isn't around."

"Well Kado won't be around. He's off Kenshin's case." Hideki enjoyed seeing the shocked expression on Sano's face.

"What? When did this happen?" Sano managed to stutter out.

"This morning.A new doctor is coming. He'll be here shortly."

Sano shot Hideki a harsh look before rushing out of the room and heading for Kado's office where he found the doctor just finishing up the casework on Kenshin.

"Sanosuke.I guess you've heard."

"Why?"

Kado shrugged.

"When you work for the government you never get real answers. The new doctor is competent."

"That's not exactly a ringing endorsement."

Kado looked at Sanosuke as if trying to decide if he would speak any further with him.

"Come. Let's take a walk outside," Doctor Kadosaid steering Sano out of the room and out into the garden.

"Your friend is still suicidal, still very seriously ill. The medication I prescribed would have the least affect on him and allow him to rejoin society and live a normal life with MissKamiyaand the boy. There are forces who don't want that for him, who want him to be what he was…"

"A killing machine."

"Yes."

"And you?"

"I got into this line of work to help make people better, to make them able to live normal lives. If I thought Himura's real personality was that of a killer I wouldn't hesitate to try and stabilize that personality."

Sano understood and turned his head so that he was looking up at the sky.

"Get him out of here," Kado said softly.

"I can't…"

"You must find a way. They can put his mind together long enough to do whatever it is they want him to do and he might co operate. He was asking to go back to Tokyo, to not see MissKamiyaand the boy Myonjin. Kenshin would only do that if he feels co operating with his handlers will result in his death. You've observed the sessions, you know he wavers between thinking they're a figment of his imagination and accepting them as real."

"If he's asking to go to Tokyohe thinks they're real and that he's a danger to them," Sano said turning to face the doctor.

"Correct. I have to go. Do what you can and watch out for yourself."

"Give me the prescriptions you think Kenshin needs."

"Wha…"

"Give them to me."

Sano followed the doctor back to his office where he was given three prescriptions.

"What are you going to do with them?"

"The least you know the better Doc. Have a nice life."

Megumi flipped on the television and sat back closing her eyes. She used the device to provide white noise more than anything else and barely listened to it. All they talked about was the usual bullshit, gossip and killing. She tuned out completely when she heard a report about a respected psychiatrist being killed in a car accident on a deserted stretch of highway. The newsreader was droning on that the doctor appeared to have lost control of his vehicle and was killed instantly when the car plowed into a tree.

"Idiot shrinks," she muttered to herself. Her mind drifted to Sano and his last call. He'd sounded very weird this morning, too chipper in her opinion and when she'd asked about Kenshin he'd told her he had to get off the phone and that he would talk to her…Megumi sat bolt upright. He'd said he'd see her later. Why would he leave now when Kaoru and Yahiko were going to see Kenshin next week? Kaoru was very excited about seeing Kenshin and had bought some things to give him, books, clean clothing, and a picture she and Yahiko had taken to keep him company. The visit was less than a week away now and Kaoru had stopped thinking every time the phone rang it would be the hospital saying he was too sick to see her. Yahiko had perked up too and he was going to get a haircut down the street after school today so that, in his words, "Kenshin would be proud of him." Megumi decided that she would treat Kaoru to a spa session so that if she could spend time alone with Kenshin she'd be relaxed and not wired as tightly as she had been. Megumi was focused on her thoughts but the newsreader got her attention again.

"…killings in the North seem to have stopped. The police are responding with 'no comment' to reports that a mentally ill man is responsible for the shocking crimes. Some have said that the man responsible is too ill to stand trial but the families of the victims are all asking that they be given some accounting of just what happened and how their loved one's ended up being slaughtered. More on this as things develop."

Whatever arm of the government Kenshin had worked for had enough power to suppress a psychotic killing spree Megumi thought to herself as she got up to go get something to eat before going back to work. She arrived in the kitchen just as the mail man showed up. Kaoru took the letters and gave the man a smile before flipping through them. Megumi heard the soft swish of paper hitting the floor and turned to see Kaoru staring at a letter, her hands shaking uncontrollably.

"No."

"Kao…"

"No. This can't…No!!!"

Aki for once was useful and caught Kaoru before she hit the floor while Megumi took the letter from Kaoru's limp fingers.

"What the hell does that thing say???!!!" Aki screamed as Kaoru stiffened in her arms and began to scream. Genzai was the first to arrive followed by two younger men who lifted Kaoru from Aki and ran back to the temple with her limp form. Genzai gave Megumi a sad look before following in his apprentices wake.

"What the hell…"

Megumi sank down onto the nearest chair not bothering to hide the tears that streamed down her cheeks. Aki picked up the letter and read silently.

"MissKamiyaKaoru, this is to inform you that HimuraKenshinhas requested that you not come to see him next week. Please call Doctor Suzukiat the following number." Megumi looked up from the letter at the open door tears streaming down her face. Folding the letter and putting it back in its envelope Megumi closed the door behind her as she walked down the alley to the temple.

Genzai gave Kaoru something to calm herself down and looked at Megumi.

"I think you'd better call and find out what the hell is going on up there. Have you heard from Sano?"

"He said he'd call me later," Megumi replied, her eyes on Kaoru.

"I'll stay with her," Aki said showing compassion that until now no one had suspected she had in her.

"You're a doctor. You call and find out what happened."

Not taking any chances Megumi went into the office and dialed the number surprised that it was Suzuki's private number.

"This is Doctor Suzuki," the voice on the other end answered.

"Doctor Suzuki, this is Doctor Takani, MissKamiya's physician. We received your message and want some answers. She was promised a visit next week regardless of Kenshin's condition. Why are you canceling it?"

"My patient has emphatically stated that he doesn't want to see MissKamiyaor young Myonjin. At this time I think its best to honor his feelings."

"Is he still medicated?"

"Yes…"

"Is he lucid?"

"Uh…"
"We're coming. Expect us as scheduled."

SuzukiOdahung up the phone and looked at Hideki.

"Is the patient ready?" he asked, his voice clipped and precise reflecting his military background.

"Saitou is with him now."

"Good. Let's go then."

"Was that the Kamiya woman?"

"A friend or family member, I don't recall exactly. It's not important. Let's get back to Tokyo."

The two men walked side by side to the waiting chopper. Kenshin turned to look at Hideki as the latter boarded and took a seat next to the pilot. The new doctor, SuzukiOda, sat down next to him. Saitou sat on his other side. Funny how his mind was clear Kenshin thought to himself as they lifted off. He'd continue his treatment in Tokyowhile living at a different apartment from the one he'd been. Since he now appeared stable he would go back to work. They had one thing for him to do and he'd do it. After that he would be able to rest, to close his eyes and not have to open them again. He hoped to see Doctor Kadaagain. He'd actually liked him and felt he had his best interests at heart. This Suzukiwas different and he could almost sense the malevolence flowing from Suzukitowards him. Saitou gave Kenshin what he probably thought was a reassuring smile and Kenshin gave him a blank stare. Unbidden thoughts of Kaoru, and Yahiko flooded his mind and he closed his eyes against them. Time would heal her and she'd marry someone else and have healthy fat babies. Yahiko would grow to be a good man, the man he had wanted to be. The thought of Kaoru having sex with someone else made him catch his breath and he felt his anxiety level rise. Sheer will forced his body back under control and he opened his eyes. Neither of the men flanking him had noticed his little slip and he forced himself to look down at the countryside as they flew over it.  Sano would explain everything to Kaoru he thought as the chopper banked and headed towards the landing strip. How long he could hold onto his clarity was anyone's guess. He would have to do what they wanted, destroy Shishio, and then make sure he got himself killed. As the chopper landed and he walked to the waiting car the thought entered his mind that it would be good to see Kaoru again, that he wanted to see her again. But he had to respect her refusal to see him and that refusal had sealed his fate and firmed up his resolve. She had made her decision and he would have to abide by it.

Sano found Megumi at the dojo. It was late afternoon and the lull between the day and evening sessions rendered the space almost silent. Aki was in the kitchen and she gave him a little smile as he entered.

"Megumi is in with Yahiko," she said nodding her head towards the boy's room.

"Why are you here?"

"To help my cousin, nothing more," Aki said flatly. Sano didn't have time to ask her when and why her attitude had changed and he stepped into Yahiko's room. Megumi and Yahiko were sitting cross legged on the floor working on a math problem and took a few seconds to realize he was in the room. Megumi leapt into his arms and he held her close, the time apart and his need to be with her overwhelming his senses as he inhaled her smell.

"I have missed you so much," he said into her ear. They kissed and for a while all was good in the world. Yahiko coughed politely and they parted.

"What're you doin' brat?"

"My homework.Megumi is helping me."

"Good for her. No clinic today?"

"Later tonight.I changed my shift so that I could work with Yahiko."

Sano looked back at the door.

"Where's Kaoru?"

"Where do you think she is?" Megumi snapped. Sano looked at her surprised.

"Why do you say it like that? She's the one who refused to come see Kenshin…"

"She did not!!!!" both Yahiko and Megumi said at the same time. "She got a letter saying he didn't want to see her. I called and got this rude Doctor Suzukiand I told him we were coming next week anyway."

Sano sat down heavily and buried his face in his hands.

"Sano?"

"Megumi we all got played. Kenshin was going back and forth between reality and fantasy. One minute he thought Kaoru and Yahiko were figments of his imagination and the next he was happy because they were real and the memories he had of them weren't hallucinations. He had told them that he was looking forward to seeing Kaoru and had even asked if he could have decent clothes so he wouldn't be in hospital garb when you they came. Then we got the news that Doctor Kadahad been killed in a car accident. That was the day Kenshin seemed to have become very clear thanks to Doctor Kada. It was also the day Kada was taken off Kenshin's case. Kada gave me some prescriptions to fill for Kenshin when he came back here which he really thought he would."

Sano rushed through the last part not wanting to dwell on his lie.

"So what happened?" Megumi asked even as she pulled Yahiko close to her.

"This guy Suzukishows up and the next thing we know he tells Kenshin that Kaoru has decided she doesn't want to see him."

"Shit."

"Yeah.I thought he'd freak out but instead he just walked out of the room. I was told a few hours later that I had to leave, that Kenshin had decided to go back to work. He wouldn't even see me."

"And we got the letter," Megumi said bitterly.

"Where is Kaoru?"

"Down the street in the temple.She was very upset and Genzai wants to keep an eye on her."

Sano dropped his head.

"Kenshin really wanted to see me and Kaoru?" Yahiko asked, his eyes bright with unshed tears.

"Yes. It seems people didn't want that to happen."

Sano stood up and headed for the door while Megumi hugged Yahiko.

"We have to hope that he finds his way back to us Yahiko. That means we have to act as if he'll walk in that door any second."

"They could kill him MissMegumi."

Megumi planted a kiss on top of Yahiko's head.

"Let's finish that math okay? It smells like Aki is almost finished cooking."

Later that night Kaoru's phone rang and she answered on reflex, her voice heavy with sleep.

"Yes?"

There was no response and Kaoru asked again who was calling her. Even as his name entered her mind she was saying it.

"Kenshin?Kenshin is that you? Please come home to me. I need you. They lied to us. I never said I didn't want to see you. Please Kenshin. Please Shinta. Come home."

Kenshin listened to her voice, her strangled sob the last sound he heard as he broke the connection. Shinta. She had called him Shinta. If she wanted to see him and they'd lied to him…Feeling the anger rising he closed his eyes and forced it back. He had come out, had held onto this clarity so that he could do what they wanted and then kill himself. At first. Then he'd had the dream. Kenshin sat back and closed his eyes relaxing his mind enough to let the images and feelings from the dream take over his mind for a short time. He'd been in a room, their room, at the dojo and Kaoru's hair was down, the silky thick blue black mass of it falling past her shoulders and almost to her waist. She'd been wearing a night gown, rose pink, and he had watched himself reach out and touch her, seen the look of love in her eyes just before she closed them in anticipation of his kiss, and his body had reacted, his ejaculate coating his thighs and staining the sheets as he remembered how it had been between them. And he had decided that he did want to see her, to smell her, to hold her. That had been when Suzukihad told him that she'd sent a letter stating that she didn't want to see him. The words had been like a shot to the chest and inside he'd crumbled. "Why would she want to see me?" he'd thought to himself as he walked back to his room. "I'm certifiably insane, I have to take meds to stay sane, and if I go off my meds I'm a danger to both of them," he'd reasoned to himself sitting down on his cot. His original idea had been the best one. Get rid of Shishio and then kill himself. It was just a matter of holding onto this clarity.

But once he'd been left alone in his new apartment he'd dialed the number and heard her voice, heard her call to his true self, to Shinta, the fisherman's son, and he knew that Suzuki had lied. He would pay for that. But somehow he had to get to Kaoru and let her know that he loved her but before that he had to do something first. He looked up at the clock. It was three in the morning. For a long time he'd reversed day and night, sleeping in the day and staying up at night. He glanced at the computer and knew there were ways to lose himself in fantasy with just a few keystrokes. But that would mean going back to what he'd been before Kaoru, before Yahiko, before he'd made a real home and family for himself. He grinned knowing that falling into that trap was exactly what his handlers wanted him to do. Wide awake he put on the television and watched some anime about robots and the people who loved them making sure he went nowhere near the computer.

Getting no response from ringing the bell Saitou banged on the door causing several neighbors to poke their heads out of their doors and curse him out. He ignored their words as the door in front of him opened.

"What the hell were you doing?" Saitou asked as Kenshin stepped aside to let him in.

"I went to sleep. I'm used to sleeping during the day now," Kenshin said yawning.

"What do you want?"

"To make sure you're okay." Kenshin saw Saitou glance at the computer and laughed to himself. So that was how they planned to monitor his progress he thought to himself. He could still think.

"What did you do last night?"

"Before or after I climbed out on the balcony?" Kenshin asked turning so Saitou wouldn't see him laughing.

"That's not funny Kenshin," Saitou snapped.

"I thought it was."

"What did you do?" All traces of mirth gone from his face Kenshin turned around to face Saitou.

"I relaxed. I watched television and looked out of the window."

"Television."

"Yeah."

"Did you call anyone?"

"A wrong number."

The two men stared at each other until Saitou turned and went to the computer.

"I brought you some files. Let's go over them together."

"Saitou I'm tired."

"Tough. It's day time for me and I work during the day. Did  you take your meds?"

"Yes," Kenshin lied. He'd flushed the dose for today down the toilet.

"I can do a blood test to make sure of it Kenshin. Don't lie."

"Do whatever fuckin' test you want. I took them. Let's go over the damn files so I can get some sleep."

This was the Kenshin Saitou knew, the man who once focused on a job was like a pit bull and wouldn't rest until the job was done. And that was why he knew Kenshin hadn't taken his meds. He wouldn't have been able to focus that well.

"Sure Himura. Let's start."

Kaoru remembered nothing about the days since Kenshin had gone and what she did remember was like a dream. There had been mind numbing pain so intense she'd lay in bed for days. Then there'd been people who'd come and she'd cursed them out for daring to come here. After that she'd begun to spend time out of bed. The first few days had been rough, everything reminded her of him, and she'd go back to bed after an hour or so of being up. It had taken weeks to work herself up to spending a day out of bed and still at night she'd fall into a deep dreamless sleep as soon as she lay down. And then the killings had started. Being mostly oblivious to the outside world she hadn't heard of them and wouldn't have paid attention to them until she'd overheard Yahiko and Megumi talking about them and that it was probably Kenshin. Then Yahiko had disappeared and she thought that he'd gone back to the streets. When his call for help had come she and Sano had gone to get him. She'd never been in the north but had no time to take in the sights. Kenshin was killing and they had to bring him in before the local authorities did.

Kaoru shifted in the soaking tub opening her eyes briefly and closing them again as she remembered the feral look in Kenshin's eyes. There had been no recognition of her, of any of his friends. There had only been evil and danger in their depths, evil that even now made her shiver in fear. Even as she said to herself that that man was not the one she slept with she knew that was a lie. This was the part of him he fought to keep under control, the part of him that he feared would someday harm her like he had that old girlfriend of his, the part of him that had made him leave her. Once he'd been sedated and Kaoru had left the north with Yahiko the days had gone back to being a blur of rising, bathing, working, eating and sleeping while she counted the days until she'd be able to see, and maybe spend some time with Kenshin. The letter had brought her world crashing down around her. Aki had been good to her they'd told her earlier. Kaoru smiled a grim smile thinking that somehow Aki would try and turn this into being about her.

And then the phone had rung last night. There had been no sleep afterwards.  He had called her. Somewhere in his mind he remembered her, remembered them, and still needed it. She had to tell Yahiko but she decided to wait until he came home from school so that his day wouldn't be spent thinking about the man he now called father. So she'd gone through the motions, done her job, and managed to arrange it so she and Yahiko had some time alone together. He'd had his bath and was watching television when she came in and sat down next to him on the floor.

"Yahiko, look at me."

Yahiko had glanced back over his shoulder at Kaoru and sat bolt upright. Her eyes were bright, excited even, and she looked as if she were going to burst if she didn't say whatever it was she'd come to say to him. The words she'd spoken had not been anywhere near what he'd thought she'd come to say.

"Yahiko, Kenshin called last night."

Yahiko opened his mouth to speak, no words would come out, and he closed his mouth again his eyes wide.

"No," he finally gasped out.

"Yes. He's out. I don't know where he is or what he's doing but he's out."

"Maybe he's afraid to come here…"

"I called to the one part of him that knows it has to come here to find peace. I just hope he doesn't wait too long…"

Yahiko leaned forward just as Kaoru did so that their faces were inches apart.

"If he comes he has to sneak away from them and that won't be easy right now. He may not come for a couple of weeks."

"But you think he'll come too right?" Kaoru asked, her eyes fixed on his.

"Yeah I do."

They hugged each other and knowing they were alone cried tears of joy, and of fear, Kaoru for the man she loved and Yahiko for the only person who'd been willing to take a chance and love him.

The room was dark and Kenshin stood at the window of this new apartment, his eyes fixed on the bright lights of his neighborhood. He wanted to go to Kaoru, to tell her it would be all right, that he had provided for her, the only thing he could do that wouldn't cause her grief and that she should move on with her life. But he hadn't been able to force himself to do that. Some part of him, maybe Shinta, knew the words were a lie. Turning away from the window he picked up the leather jacket that he'd thrown on the back of his futon and headed for the door. It was time to start work, to begin looking for a way to get close to Shishio. He found himself thinking that if he survived he'd go to see Kaoru, that it would be too dangerous to go see her during the mission. A smile played at his lips as he closed the door to his apartment behind him. This would not be easy, it would be like tracking himself. That idea firmly planted in his brain he walked out into the night once again the hunter. Unseen in the shadow Saitou smiled.