Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ The Black Hawke ❯ Uncertainties ( Chapter 4 )

Chapter Four

Uncertainties

Hawke lay awake watching as the first dusty pink and purples of the coming dawn starting to show through the open curtains of his bedroom window. He had slept for about two hours after the shattering climax he had shared with the ebon haired vixen who was now sleeping peacefully within the crook of his arm, and then he had awoken to resume his troubling thoughts about what to do with her and about her.

There was a part of him that felt ferociously possessive and wanted to lash her hand and foot to his bed so that no one else would ever touch her. No one but him, but another part of him... a more rational part of him was balking at the idea of having another steady girlfriend. He had just gotten out of a tumultuous relationship that he had been trying to save for nearly two years and he wasn't sure he was ready to step into the fire again. 'Even with you, Ragdoll.'

Rebecca had torn his heart to shreds with her cruel vicious tongue and endless string of lies, and Hawke still felt a little bit vulnerable (though he was loathe to admit that to anyone save himself). She had hurt him deeply and the scars ran deep leaving a great deal of pain behind in the wake of her departure from his life, and he did not know if he had the strength or the will, let alone the courage to face another conniving woman so soon after being devastated by her cruelty and her loss. 'But I don't know that Kay is the same kind of woman as Becca was.' His gaze drifted thoughtfully to her lovely elfin face and he remembered all of the things he had gleaned about her personality from her in the last two days.

'She doesn't like to spend money. She's responsible about her job even if the girl she works with is a mouse-face airhead who isn't. She's not afraid to tease me or laugh at me... she doesn't think I'm a cold hearted bastard, at least I don't think she does.' A frown crossed his lips and his brows furrowed as he continued to analyze the girl in his arms. 'She doesn't seem to be afraid of getting in my face and telling me exactly what she thinks... but she's not a bitch about it, and she's not afraid of telling me what she want's either.' The hardening of his cock made him shift his position to accommodate the growing member as it tried to free itself from the trap of his thighs.

"Mmmm..." She mumbled into the warmth of his throat as she snuggled closer and her arm snaked across his chest to curl affectionately around his shoulder. "Don't go... it's cold." His icy blue-green eyes fluttered closed as the warmth of her body reminded him that it was indeed rather chilly in the room, and he reached over her and pulled the blankets and sheet up over the exposed flesh of her shoulder. She gratefully curled into the covers and nuzzled closer to his neck as a contented sigh escaped her. "That's better, thannks."

"You're welcome." He couldn't help the smile that curved his lips as she settled more fully against his side and chest. The soft fullness of her large breasts pressed snugly into his skin making him remember what they had felt like in his hands and his mouth, and as the memories washed over his mind his desire for her hardened even more becoming a heavy weight upon his lower abdomen. 'Dammit! Why does she have to have this much of an effect on me? Why can't I control myself when I'm with her?' Turning his head he inhaled the scent of her hair and smelled the musk of their sex mixed with her usual jasmine and his senses swam dangerously. 'She's sexy as hell... she likes the way I touch her and kiss her, and she likes to touch me... Shit! What the fuck am I going to do?'

"Hawke?" Her voice was soft and slightly muffled where her face was pressed into his body, but he could still hear the trepidation in her voice.

"What?" Suddenly he felt trapped, cornered, anxious. What did she want with that tone of voice? What was she going to demand of him? It was starting already. 'Fuck!'

"Do you want me to leave?" 'HUH? What the...?'

"What?" The exclamation was filled with shock and more surprise than he cared to admit to. "Why would you say that? I mean, what makes you think I want you to leave?" 'Shit! How in the hell...'

"Because... you've gone all stiff and funny since we... well, since last night or this morning or whatever you want to call it, and it just feels like you want me to leave." Hawke closed his eyes and gritted his teeth and waited for the guilt trip that was no doubt on its way. "It's Ok if that's what you want, I mean... it's not like we have anything for sure going on between us except really great sex, and if that's all you want from me, that is fine. I'm not much for relationships anyway it's just another way to get hurt and abandoned and I don't need that."

"Kay," Hawke was suddenly feeling the smallest sense of panic and needed to be reassured that she wasn't leaving him altogether... he wasn't really sure why since only moments ago he had been contemplating all but dumping her completely. "Just exactly what are you saying to me?"

"I know you don't want me for anything but sex... if you even want me for that."

"Kay..." He tried to cut her off as his anger was pricked by her self depreciating attitude but she cut him off.

"Look, I'm no beauty queen and I know it, I'm not even very pretty but I have a good figure and big boobs and that is what the guys usually come after me for... not my winning personality. So, if you just want to drop into the Diner once in awhile and pick me up for a one nighter here and there, it's Ok by me." It really wasn't but Kaoru knew that this guy was way out of her league. He was incredibly gorgeous and while he had been sleeping she had gotten up and wandered through his domicile. Whoever he was in real life, he was loaded. The large spacious apartment was decorated with expensive leather and hardwood furniture, heavy Persian and brocade throw rugs, elegant art of both the abstract and cultured type, and there were bookcases filled with books. Books on every subject she could have imagined. Whoever 'Hawke' was, he was smart as hell and educated up the ass. He didn't need to be hanging around a piece of sorry white-trash like her, and she wouldn't feel right being with him either.

She wasn't good enough to shine his shoes for heaven's sake, let alone walk the streets with him. She would be an embarrassment and she could never live with that, so a purely physical relationship, if he wanted it, would have to do. It was all she had to give. There was nothing else of value that she had to offer except her body and the pleasure she now knew she could give him. It was the best she could do.

"Is that what you want?" He asked in a bland flat voice, and he felt her shrug and then nod. His erection withered away and became nothing more than a limp piece of flesh attached to his body. "Fine, if that's what you want, then you can get dressed and I'll take you home." Kaoru shriveled next to him and the smallest catch in her breathing told him that perhaps she wasn't telling him the complete truth, but, be that as it may, perhaps this was the best thing for both of them. After all, he really wasn't ready for another relationship either. Not now. Not yet. Not even with her.

He watched as she rolled away from him and slid out from underneath the covers taking one of the top blankets with her to hide her nakedness from him. A faint scowl of disapproval crossed his features as he noticed this, but he did not say anything until she had retrieved her clothes and headed for the bathroom to get dressed.

"What are you doing?" He sat up and pinned her with an icy glare as she clutched her uniform and underwear to her chest like a shield.

"Going into the bathroom to change, why?" The voice was tremulous but held an edge of defiance that grated on his pride and sense of familiarity with this girl.

"What the hell for?" He snarled angrily. "It's not like I haven't seen you naked before."

"I-I know that, but it's just my own sense of modesty. I want to change in the bathroom."

"Fine! Whatever! Go hide in the bathroom like a mouse and don't let me see anything like I haven't had my nose buried in your crotch or anything else. Jesus!" His fury danced around him like an electrical charge and Kaoru backed away from him instinctively as he stormed past her... naked and stomped out of the room. "I'll try to forget what you look like, ragdoll.' He shot back over his shoulder as he thundered down the stairway into the livingroom. "I wouldn't want you to feel overly violated by my memories of you."

"You're an asshole sometimes." Kaoru whispered to the empty room as tears burned the back of her eyes. "Why do you do that? Why?" Shaking her head she wandered into the bathroom and shut the door. Quickly she changed into her clothes and brushed her hair (with his hairbrush), and then exited the room as swiftly as her trembling knees would allow. She found him downstairs talking on the phone dressed in a pair of jeans but still shirtless.

The clock on the wall read 06:25 a.m. The buses were running again and it really wasn't that far back to the bus stop if the speed of their trip last night was any indication of how close his apartment was to the Diner. 'I should be able to get there in just a few minutes and then I can catch the seven o'clock bus home.' As she listened to his conversation, his voice grew even more angry than it had been upstairs in his room.

"What the fuck are you taking about, Sano? How could 'The Bloods' have known that the building wasn't empty anymore and clean it out?" He paused and listened for a moment and then his face turned even darker. "Well, Yahiko needs to learn to keep his mouth shut when he's trying to impress the 'ladies'. He's just cost us six months worth of time, work, and about three thousand dollars. Yes, I said three thousand. Tell that insolent pup he better stay the fuck out of my way for a good long while if he knows what's good for him or I'll be taking it out of his hide. In the mean time, we need to look for a new storage facility and a better means of security than Yahiko's silence."

Slamming the cell phone shut in agitated rage, Hawke turned and let his icy gaze travel out the window that looked over the empty lot behind the building he lived in. "Damn stupid kid... Shit!" He raked an angry hand through his dark hair and mumbled something harsh under his breath, and then, as if feeling her eyes upon him he turned and glared at her. "What?"

"Nothing." She said quietly as she maneuvered her way through the maze of furniture and retrieved her coat off the odd looking coat rack.

"Hang on," He stood up abruptly and headed for the stairs. "I told you I would take you home."

"No thanks." Kaoru shook her head and shrugged into the heavy woolen trench. "I can walk to the bus stop and catch the seven o'clock home. It's not a problem." Stopping mid stride on the stairs, he shot her a furious look that should have withered her on the spot, but she had been through worse than his petty anger.

"I said I would take you home... I meant it."

"And I said I could take the bus... and I meant that." Their gazes clashed together and sparks of emotional energy glinted between them as the power of wills began. "I don't need you pretending to worry about me, Hawke. I can take care of myself."

"Are we back to that bullshit again?" An exasperated sigh was forced from him and his hands white knuckled it on the banister as he struggled to maintain his composure. "Fine... go catch your bus, ragdoll." His voice was a low rumbling growl that raised gooseflesh up on Kaoru's arms and the back of her neck. "I forgot you warned me that you were stubborn, but I wasn't aware that also included bad manners and peevishness."

"Bad manners?" She spluttered and fumbled angrily with the buttons on her trench. "I was trying to be considerate and not make you do something you obviously really don't want to do..."

"Kay..." The tone became threatening and Hawke watched as her jaw set into a mutinous line. "You're pushing me... don't."

"Then don't make assumptions when you don't have all the facts at your disposal."

"Facts? What facts?"

"What facts?" Her hand rose and pointed in an exaggerated manner at her head. "My thoughts for one... my feelings for another... and my intentions last of all." His mouth dropped open slightly as found himself being put soundly in his place. "You arrogant insufferable ass. You've already hurt my feelings with your distancing yourself from me because you seem to think I'm going to glom onto you like some fucking cheap suit when I'm not fit to lick the dirt off your $95 pair of sneakers. Besides, I would never do that, it's not my style." As she finally lost her battle with her tears, Kaoru straightened her shoulders and faced him as proudly as she could considering her state of emotion and the wetness trickling down her face. "I don't know who the hell you are 'Hawke', but you're no street ruffian, and your no 'gang leader'... at least not the way everyone thinks you are. You're rich, you're educated, and you're way out of my league... so lets just leave things the way they are and let it go, Ok? I'd like to keep a little bit of my pride, pitiful as it is, if it's all the same to you. I don't have much, but it's all I've got." And as the anger drained from his face she turned on her flashing red heeled sneakers and walked over to the front door.

"Kay, wait..." He started back down the stairs the look on his face indicating that he wanted to talk about this in much greater detail, but she stopped him with a raised hand and a shake of her head.

"No... I've said enough, and God knows you've said enough." The doorknob turned easily in her hand and she pulled the big oak door open. "Like I said before... if you want to drop by the Diner once in a while and pick me up for a one nighter now and then, it's Ok by me." Her head dropped and she lifted a hand to wipe the tears away that were dripping off the tip of her chin. "I won't ever say no..." She stepped out the door. "See you later." The door closed behind her and she was gone.

She cried all the way to the bus stop her chin buried deep down in the collar and scarf of her trench as the wind blew her long black hair in a wild tornado of lashing whips around her head. Many of the wildly dancing strands became stuck to the wetness on her cheeks but Kaoru didn't even notice, she was to preoccupied with the horrible thundering pain inside of her chest that was threatening to crush and kill her.

'My heart hurts.' She sobbed to her soul as she tried to find a way to comfort herself but found only empty loneliness within that part of her spirit thus bringing more tears and a feeling of isolation that consumed her and cut her off from the people who stood around her wearing faces of concern and worry. Who was this beautiful girl who cried so quietly and looked so lost and alone? Has her Mother died? Did she lose her Husband, perhaps? Or has she been diagnosed with some terrible disease and given only months to live? Dozens of scenarios were thought and cast aside as each individual wondered what had brought such a young and lovely girl to such a heart broken state of grief.

The bus came. Kaoru took a seat far in the back so she could be alone and where she could look out the window and watch the world go by.

'It's leaving me behind again,' She thought morosely as she watched the Diner slip past and then Mr. Chin's Bakery. 'Just like it always has... there is no harbored 'piece' of life saved for Kaoru Kamiya. It has all been given away to the more fortunate and deserving... and to those who were lucky enough to get in line before I did.' One last tear slid down her cheek just before she pressed her forehead against the cold pane of the window her moist breath making a steam patch on the chilled glass. 'Home... just take me home...I just want to go home where I won't have to think about anything anymore... home where nothing matters but the alarm clock, a shower, and what's in the fridge... that's all I want, just to go home... home... home...'

It took 9 stops to get to her neighborhood that meant nearly a full hour and a half on the bus, but Kaoru didn't care. 'Better that than the alternative... letting HIM bring me home.' She shuddered at the unpleasant thought of letting Hawke see 'where' she lived after seeing 'how' he lived. 'He'd probably have a seizure if he saw this place. Shit... he probably wouldn't even walk through the fucking door.' An ironic laugh made its way out of her mouth and she tasted the bitterness of her pathetic situation. 'God... my life sucks. No wonder I'm such a loser.'

"Where you been all night?" Kaoru looked up and noticed her roommate Misao setting on the front steps of the old style two story Victorian house they rented and shared with two other girls.

The house was in desperate need of a paint job as the majority of the white trim had pealed off the window pane's and the red that covered the rest of the building had faded to a very unattractive off pink color. The steps and the porch needed to be repaired, the plumbing was sub-standard, both toilets were cracked, the bathtub leaked, and the lock on the front door was broken. They used an old broomstick wedged into a hole in the floor and braced against the door to 'lock' it at night. But it was home. They each had their own room, and Kaoru's was in the 'turret' and got affectionately dubbed the 'round room'. It was small, and it was round, but it was her sanctuary away from the world, and that was her destination at this moment in time. She did not feel like talking, but the look on Misao's face said she wasn't going to get off that easily.

"Out." Came her short sharp reply as she made to step past her friend and go up the rickety stair, but the short brunette simply stood up and blocked the way by putting her hands on her hips and glaring in Kaoru's face.

"Not good enough, Kay." There was a low warning tone in the smaller girls voice and it raked across Kaoru's already frazzled nerves making her flinch. "You never stay out all night... Never! I've been up waiting for you to come home ever since your shift ended so I wouldn't 'lock' you out, and you never showed. I've been worried sick outta my brain here wondering what the heck coulda happened to you... and you didn't even think to call or anything?"

"Look, I'm sorry, Ok...I just got... tied up and I forgot to call." Kaoru shoved her way past her fuming friend and pushed the front door open so she could go inside. "I should have called. I'm really sorry I didn't. It was inconsiderate as hell for me not to." Turning to face the smaller girl, Kaoru tried to put on as contrite a face as she could under the circumstances and attempted to placate her friend. "I swear I won't do it again, Misao. I promise. If something ever comes up again like this, I swear I'll call so you aren't setting outside all night waiting up for me. I swear it, Ok... but just don't be mad at me anymore, I'm tired, you're tired... it's been one of the worst mornings of my entire life, and all I want to do is go back to bed and sleep, Ok?" She was begging and as much as she hated begging for anything it was all she was up to at the moment. "Please... I can't do this right now. I really can't."

"Why? What happened to you this morning that was so bad?" Misao was still flaming mad at Kaoru but it was obvious by her friends face and tone of voice that something was indeed wrong.

"I... I don't want to talk about it, Ok. At least not right now, maybe later, I don't know. I just don't want to talk about it n-now." Both girls eyes widened at the sound of Kaoru's voice breaking and the tone of tears that it carried. "I just want to go back to bed and get some sleep... please understand, Misao, please?"

"Ok," Misao was worried now. Kaoru didn't just cry over anything. She was tougher than nails most of the time. She'd had to be since her parents had died when she was just a kid. She'd practically raised herself and she just didn't let things get to her like most people. It took a lot to make her cry, or at least, it took a lot before she'd let herself cry. "But we'll talk later, all right?"

"Sure... sure, whatever. Later..." Kaoru waved Misao off and darted up the spiral staircase and dove through the door to her room practically slamming it behind her. The old brass slide-lock slipped into place and flipped down sealing the world and everyone in it out of her life. She was in her 'Sanctuary' and it was the only place on earth she felt safe.

'I'm home...'

'Why didn't you go after her you arrogant ass? You know you didn't want her leave so why did you let her go?' Hawke slammed his taped fist into the swinging punching bag with a vengeance sending it careening away from him on the heavy white rope that suspended it from the ceiling. 'You don't even know how to find her... outside of the Diner. You don't have a phone number, you don't have an address... you don't have shit, and you just let her walk out thinking you don't want to see her again except for sex...' His other fist slammed into the bag as it swung back toward him and he grunted with the force of his effort as he changed it into a double combination. 'You stupid moronic asshole.'

The sound of several more viciously placed punches coupled with the grunts of effort filled the small work-out room as the well proportioned man took his emotional frustrations out on the heavy vinyl covered bag. His muscular body was covered with sweat and his shoulder length black hair was drenched with the moisture. A look of severe concentration pulled his lips back in a snarl that more resembled a snarl than a grimace and he began to take on the look of a young predatory wolf as he ravaged the work out bag with ferocious punches, kicks, and powerful round-house back slams with his feet.

Martial arts and kick boxing were his solace and only means of venting his angry frustrations without doing harsh, illegal, or irreparable physical damage to the things and people that lived around him. Hawke knew his anger was a dangerous thing. It was an icy cold whirlwind that erupted like a hurricane and destroyed everything in its path if he didn't hold under sharp control. That was something he had had to learn how to do over the last few years since his Father had died and he had been forced to take over position as Leader of 'The Pack'. A short fuse and a hot temper were more than detrimental to that particular position and so he had been forced to find alternative means in which to channel his negative energy.

The strict discipline of the martial arts including swordsmanship and meditation had risen up to become his Saviors, and he had immersed himself deeply into the Shinto culture even going so far as to become Buddhist. There within the Shinto-shrines among the quiet and serenity of the monks and the scrolls he had finally found his 'Peace', and then he had begun to train learning karate's, the way of the sword, and improvisation. The art of working with whatever was available to him and using it as a weapon or a shield depending upon which he needed the most.

He had become a Warrior of the Shinto, his favorite weapon being the kodachi which was a pair of razor sharp short sword carried together in one long sheath. He did not often carry it with him, but when he did, it usually meant there was hell to pay somewhere and he was out to do the collecting.

Hawke rarely carried a gun on his person, but when he did it was a sleek silver plated glock 9mm with a 13 bullet clip and there would always be at least two or three extra clips in the pockets of his jacket in case of emergencies. The gun had belonged to his Father. It was the only thing of the old man's that he allowed himself to carry on his person... ever.

Hawke and his Father had not gotten along. Not since he was a kid and his Mother had died in a car accident. After her death it seemed that something had died inside of the old man, and the relationship between him and his only child had become unsatisfactory and stagnant over the years until they hardly spoke at all. When then old man had died, Hawke had been away at school halfway across the country and was forced to abandon his studies to come home and take care of the funeral arrangements and assume the responsibilities of his fathers 'business'. He had finished his degree in Art and Philosophy by correspondence course and received his Phd in Humanities and Literature.

'For all the good it did me.' He thought sourly as he hammered his fists into the bag again. 'It's not like I'm ever going to be able to teach like I wanted to... or paint... or publish... Hell! It was a waste of time to even finish.' A vicious back-kick sent the bag swinging on a high arc that brought it back to him at a much faster speed as the weight of the powder inside brought it surging back down. "EEEEYYAAAH!" The hurling power of his right fist slammed into the bag and as the two connected, the bag came to a shuddering halt, abruptly changed tragetory, and then went sailing off in a whole new direction as the rope snapped under the strain of the force. The bag landed on the other side of the room ten to twelve feet away with a resounding 'whomp' and then flopped over onto its side like a dead body. "Shit!" He muttered as he shook his sweat drenched hair in aggravation. "Not again."

"You gotta learn how to control that right jab of yours, Boss." The sound of a lazy drawl drifted over the Hawke and his gaze darted over to the door where he spotted the tall lanky form on one of his 'Pack'. "If you don't, you're just gonna have to keep making that rope shorter and shorter... or else buy a new bag."

"Bullshit." Hawke scowled at the univited intruder as he began to yank the boxing tape of his hands. "I'll just get another rope."

"Hmmm," The tall dark hair man walked in nodding his head while he chewed on the ever present toothpick hanging out of the corner of his mouth. "Never thought of that... guess it might work."

"That's why you aren't the brains of the operation, Sano." The sticky wad of used tape was tossed into a nearby trash can as Hawke passed the tall man on his way out of the gym. "You don't think.... about details anyway." He cast a mocking look over his shoulder and briefly met the confused brown gaze. "But I guess you'll do."

"Gee, thanks Boss." Came the caustic retort as Sano followed Hawke into the main living room. "Glad you got so much faith in me. It just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside." He plopped down on one of the tall bar stools and watched dispassionately as the other man went about making them both a couple of drinks. "Thanks." He mumbled when Hawke handed him his coke and whiskey. "I think I need this."

"Talk to me, Sano... what happened last night?" Hawke took a moderate swallow of his own drink while training his icy orbs on his long time friend. "I want to know everything."

"I'll bet you do, but trust me," Sano met his cold glare. "You really don't."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Blue-green ice cubed narrowed dangerously as Hawke set his drink down on the bar and gave Sano his full attention. "What don't I want to know?"

Sano sighed and set his own drink on the bar, and then began to stare into it like is was some sort of future predicting device. "Well," He began very tentatively. "When I went over to the warehouse to check on stuff early this morning and found out it had been broken into... that's when I called Yahiko and told him to get his ass out of bed and come down there with me."

"I see... continue."

"Took him about 15 minutes to get there, but then I had enough time to get inside and check on the damage and see what was gone."

"You said the building was emptied when you called me... was it?"

"Pretty much... there wasn't enough product left behind to matter. Besides that, most of the containers were busted and the stuff was spread out all over the floor... that's how we discovered who ratted out the location and who sacked the building."

"I don't understand. How does spilled product on the floor tell you who gave up the warehouse location and who stole our inventory?" Hawke's features twisted into a mask of agitated confusion as he waited for Sano to start making sense. "Stop dragging this out and just tell me what the hell happened."

"I'm trying to... but it's not that easy." Hawke finally noticed something about his friend that his usually keen perceptions had failed to pick up until this moment. Sano was... withdrawn? He wasn't his usually sarcastic jabbing self that endlessly got on Hawke's nerves. Instead, the man seemed down right subdued.

"What is wrong, Sano? What has happened that you didn't tell me on the phone? Why do you look... like someone ran over your cat?" Sano's head shot up and he met Hawke's knowing gaze and he swallowed hard.

"I didn't tell you this morning because you sounded so pissed. I was afraid if I told you, you'd go thermal, snap, and go on a rampage or something so I told you it was Yahiko's fault."

"You... you mean it wasn't?" A look of incredulity crossed the sharp features as he stared at his friend. "You lied to me?"

"I had to. You would have gone ape-shit if I had told you the truth then. You sounded like you were ready to kill somebody already." Hawke gripped the edge of the bar and white knuckled it for a few seconds while he calmed his anger, and then once more turned his cold gaze onto his friends worried face.

"All right... I'm ready, tell me."

TBC